-----------------

poster: Magneto
subject: texas
date: Thu Sep 21 22:12:46 2000

 I Love Texas:

May 30th:
 Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows
how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy
evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together.
What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying
on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my
home. I love it here.

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem.
Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an
air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun
every day like this.  I'm turning into a real sun
worshipper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today.
Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain.
No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I
love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week.  How
do people get used to this kind of heat? Too bad it's
not a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer
than I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over
60% of my body.)Missed two days of work, what a dumb
thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to
respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I
left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot
car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a
shopping bag and just as I opened the door she
exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery.
I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like
Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th:
Dry #@*&$!% heat, my foot. Hot is hot!! The home air
conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged
$200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order
parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights
now.  $1,500 in darn house payments and we can't even
go inside. Why did I ever come here

Aug 4th:
115 degrees.  Finally got the air conditioner fixed
today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to
about 90. Stupid repairman peed in my pool. I hate
 this #@*&$!% state.

Aug 8th:
If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you
today?", I'm going to tear his #@*&$!% throat out.
Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is
boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell
like Roasted #@*&$!% Garfield!!

Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording:
Hot and sunny. It's been too hot two #@*& darn months
and the weatherman says it might really warm up next
week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren darn
desert?? Water rationing has been in effect all
summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and
blew into the @*&$!% pool. Even a cactus can't live in
this heat.

Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today.
Forgot to crack the window and blew the #@*&$!%
windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to
fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife
had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out
of jail.

 Aug 30th:
Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the
house. The #@*&$!% monsoon rains finally came and all
they did is to make it muggier. The Lincoln is now
floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500
windshield. That does it, we're moving back to New
York where all you have to worry about is the
beautiful snow.


-----------------

poster: Lu
subject: not conventional
date: Thu Sep 21 23:58:36 2000

hp(567/930) sp(272/272) > e
[ 5] A/D (  1%) Small demon cuts you lightly.
HP: 540|930 SP: 272|272 EP: 414|414
[Lu]: is somewhat hurt.
[A small  demon]: is in excellent shape.
[13] A/D ( 10%) Small demon clobbers you.
Your warhide deflects A small  demon's blast as if it were nothing.
[14] A/D ( 12%) Small demon disembowels you in your backside.
[ 3] A/D (  0%) Small demon pokes you in your left eye.
Ugly demon prepares itself to use a skill.
[12] A/D (  8%) Ugly demon rends you.
[10] 
plus some more damge....if this isnt funny then tell me what is
-Lu, exploring still sucks :)

-----------------

poster: Basketball
subject: >texas
date: Fri Sep 22 03:14:37 2000

Funny, Funny, Funny Shit.

-----------------

poster: Aleila
subject: web site
date: Sat Sep 23 08:37:49 2000

Not quite a joke, but well cute none the less.  
Everyone go see www.dudestudios.com for an interesting take on Star Wars.

-----------------

poster: Spiraldancer
subject: kinda funny
date: Sun Sep 24 04:05:18 2000

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns

unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine

or feminine. "House," in French, is feminine - "la maison.""Pencil," in

French, is masculine "le crayon." One puzzled student asked, "What gender

is 'computer'?" The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French

dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately

enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a

masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons

for their recommendation.

>

> The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the

feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

>

> 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

> 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is

incomprehensible to everyone else;

> 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible

later retrieval; and

> 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending

half your paycheck on accessories for it.

>

> The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine

("le computer"), because:

>

> 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;

> 2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;

> 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they

ARE the problem; and

> 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a

little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Dr. Suess
date: Mon Sep 25 03:44:54 2000

> The NEW Dr. Seuss Books: 

    > > 1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch 

    > > 2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert 

    > > 3. Fox In Detox 

    > > 4. Who Shat in the Hat? 

    > > 5. Horton Hires a Ho 

    > > 6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax 

    > > 7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day 

    > > 8. Your Colon Can Moo - Can You? 

    > > 9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil 

    > > 10. The Cat in the Blender 

    > > 11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out! 

    > > 12. Are You My Proctologist? 

    > > 13. Yentl the Lentil 

    > > 14. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket 

    > > 15. Aunts in My Pants 

-----------------

poster: Arkangyle
subject: B0N3D00D and pLaTeDeWd
date: Tue Sep 26 05:05:27 2000

http://www.adelaide.net.au/~nene/bp/main.htm

nuf said

-Arkangyle Vrille

-----------------

poster: Chemosh
subject: love letter
date: Tue Sep 26 16:26:52 2000

The "New Age" ( Year 2000 ) Love Letter


Dearest Ms. Juliet,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you
since the 14th of October (Sunday). With reference to the meeting
held between us on the 13th of Oct at 1500 hrs, I would like to
present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on
probation for a period 
of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.

Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on
the job training and perfor
mance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to
spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would
initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on
your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.
However I am broadminded
enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this
letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further
notice and I shall be considering someone else.
  
I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister,
if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Regards,

Romeo.




-----------------

poster: Chemosh
subject: love letter reply
date: Wed Sep 27 08:26:46 2000

this is, according to a friend, how jules may have replied




Dear Mr Romeo,


Whereas you have lodged a notice of intended relationship, I quote sections
from the a conservation of relationship Act 1999, which will affect our
contract as follows:


1)a) Any existing contracts may not run concurrently with an existing
agreement. This relates especially to any current contracts titled
MATES1999/2000. Please note MATES1999/2000 is to be substituted with
THUMB2000/2001.


1)b) Under the Act females have the Authority to lead you on, f*ck with your
head, and mess around with other guys, without incurring any penalties.


1)c) Any female may have unlimited numbers of delegates to bitch to, lean
on, cry with and in most circumstances push you to the nearest legal limit
of trying to piss you off, without incurring any penalties.


1)d) Any prospective lovers that a female will encounter should under every
circumstance be welcomed by the male. Any prospective lovers that a male may
encounter (other than that of your existing contract) will be shot.


1)e) The act does not recognise the statement "fun".


1)f) Under the act any female may change teams without giving notice. Males
are not encouraged to (and the act states) "join the party".


1)g) It should be recognised that what ever model a female may be (most
males recommend the BITCHLESS1000) they will always be hard coded with/ and
must comply to the first section of the Act which states "I am women hear me
roar".


So I have now made you aware of the provisions and short falls of the act.
If you fail to sign the said agreement within 14 days I will forced to
commence a new contract with your sister.


Regards,


Juliet.



-----------------

poster: Mixer
subject: Olympic Condoms
date: Wed Sep 27 08:49:28 2000

I thought this was pretty topical seeing as I just got back
from the Sydney 2000 games:

             Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. 
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to
his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Why, Gold, of course!" says the man proudly.

The wife responds ruefully, "Why don't you wear Silver.  It would be
nice if you came second for;a change!"

-----------------

poster: Chemosh
subject: story
date: Fri Sep 29 08:43:23 2000

not a joke.. just a story a good mate of mine sent me.. just wanted
to share it with you

respect to pat.







Here's a story with the lot.


Donna's sister has a daughter who was celebrating her 3rd birthday 3 weeks
ago on the same night as the Anthony Mundeine fight.


Donna's sister's fiance (Dan) is an ex rugby league player (Cronulla Sharks)
who as it goes gets a bit rowdy when tanked up on the good oil. Donna's
cousins boyfriend (Mr X) is also an ex Rugby league player who makes Dan
look like a parrot when he's had a few too many.


So, the hairy neck dwarf (me) likes to push a few weights, and sometimes
wears bonds
 shirts. This, I learnt, was the equation for disaster. Mr X is
OTC. (one tuff ****). He took a disliking to the bonds shirt but failed to
advise anyone straight away. 
Anyway, I had about 13 beers, Mundeane won the fight so the boys were gettin
a bit rowdy. We (about 5 of us) decided to hit the pub around 8pm this
night. It was the Westfield Tavern................
............................................................................
........................................................


I had no fear. E
ntering the Westfield, (Makes the Coolbellup look like a pub
for fairies), I felt like we as a group could of took any blokes in the pub.
We started playing pool and losers had to buy the winners bourbon (old
crow). Myself and this other bl
oke made Dan and Mr x absolutely piss. On the
last game I could hardly see the white ball (pissed) but managed to clear up
and defeated the maniacs by five balls. I decided to give the maniacs shit
by saying one more and youse would of been pants'd.
Mr x drops his dacks and says 
here you go poofter. I should smack you in the
head, Im gonna deck you.
That was it, hairy neck midget dwarf DOES NOT take shit from anyone. The
scottish blood in my veins was boiling. Im gonna take this animal on i
thought. I could here mu
sic. (It was working class man by Jimmy Barnes) I
was shaking cos I knew I was gonna get in a blue and Mr X is an animal. F*ck
it I thought. My Dad always said don't let anyone give you shit son. What
would he do in this situation? He'd go in as hard as he could. Deal with the
consequences later. So I was ready to attack Mr X. Dan came up to me. He
knew i was pissed off. Don't do it mate he said. Mr X went to prison for
three years for assault. He put some bloke in a coma. I took another swigg
of the bourbon and Mr X came over and mumbled some pissed talk. All I used
to do in prison was weights and sit ups and push ups every day. I said i'll
take you on. Push ups lets go. We both dropped to the floor (remember this
is in the middle of the westfield pub) every bloke in the pub gathered round
and counted down from three two one go.
I started off like a breeze. I was killin this bloke. Some bloke said do
claps. So i started clapping in between push ups. I was going strong. But
wore out eventually at about 70. He did about 5 more and said I was weak.
I knew I had beat him. I was clapping in between. We then tried one arms
push ups. I did about 30 and let go. We got up and a couple of blokes shook
my hand.


We started to leave the pub and Dan pulled his willie out and started peeing
as he was walking for about 30 metres. They Mr x and Dan were looking for a
fight. I just walked home.


About a week later Donna's sister told me that the old bloke I was playing
pool with that night went to the Kelmscott footy club. He was having a beer
when he over heard some blokes talking about these guys that had a push up
comp in the westy a few days back.


I had become a legend in the toughest neighbour hood in Perth.
It was all worth the hang over I had the day after.
I would still fight Mr x even when sober. I can't stand him. 


hope you enjoyed it.
PAt.**

-----------------

poster: Chemosh
subject: planes
date: Fri Sep 29 09:56:47 2000

> Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave 
> > and they're getting a little impatient. But the airport staff has 
> assured 
> > them that the pilots will be there soon and the flight can takeoff 
> > immediately there after. 
> > The entrance opens and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' 
> > uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, 
> > and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a white, tipped 
cane. 
> > Nervous laughter spreads t
hrough the cabin as the men enter the 
cockpit. 
> > The door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin 
glancing 
> > around, nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little 
> > practical joke. 
> > None is forthcoming. 
> > The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people at the 
> > windows realise that they're headed straight for the edge of the water 
> at 
> > the end of the airport's runway. It begins to look as though the plane 
> > will never take off - that it will 
plow into the water!! 
> > Panicked screams fill the cabin-but at that moment, the plane lifts 
> > smoothly into the air. 
> > The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly. Soon they have all 
> > retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane 
> is 
> > in good hands. 
> > Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, 
> Bob 
> 
> > one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all 
gonna 
> > die?!" 
> >  > 
> 
> **


-----------------

poster: Energystar
subject:  Custer's last thoughts.
date: Fri Sep 29 22:31:35 2000

 An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library
wall, so he called an artist.
 Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history
buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that
went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on
business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it
completed."
 Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the
finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a
halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual
positions.
 Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed
the billionaire.
 "Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.
 "No! I didn't ask for a mur!al of pornographic filth. I asked for
an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
 "And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow,
look at all those fucking Indians.'"

-----------------

poster: Kazulanth
subject: great Halloween costumes for the less devoted
date: Tue Oct  3 03:47:02 2000


http://www.cosmicoutfitters.com/religion.htm

I thought this was hysterical.

--kaz

-----------------

poster: Ant
subject: Guide for Men
date: Wed Oct  4 00:32:15 2000

Dennis Leary's Guide for Men

Balls, a.k.a. Cojones: You should have several. Preferably brass or steel. 
Extra large.

Crying: Never. Ever. Over anything. Not death in the family, not a
bullet in the chest. You
may tear up ever so slightly in one eye only when watching a
favorite sports legend retire.
You may tear up in both eyes only when kicked, accidentally or on
purpose, in the Cojones.

Kissing: see "Sports"

Hugging: see "Sports"

Sports: Once all men within reach are dressed in a team uniform, it
is perfectly acceptable
to kiss and hug and grab each other's ass. This is probably because
all men are latent
homosexuals and prefer male company to female company.
But if some guy points out this fact to you, punch him directly in
the throat. (Optional
retorts: "Prefer this!" or "Fuck You!" or " Shut the fuck up!"

Health: Never go to the hospital or visit a doctor. If you have a
stroke, keep drinking and
act like you prefer to use only one side of your body. If you cut
off a limb while using a 
power tool -- so what? That's why there's duct tape and staple guns.
If someone tries to 
drive you to the hospital after a heart attack or maiming, punch him
in the throat. (Optional 
retorts: "Drive This!" or "Fuck you!" or "Shut the fuck up!")

Diet: Meat, cigarettes, meat, booze, meat, and coffee. In case of
aneurysm or alcohol-induced 
coma, see "Health."

Fighting: At all times, over anything. Never hit a woman. Or a
child. Or a bus. Never hit a 
priest until he takes off his collar. (If it's the pope, wait until
he removes the large 
hat.) Clergy will often provoke a punch in the throat with their
"violence doesn't prove 
anything" pontifications.
(Optional retorts: "Prove this!" or "Fuck you Father!" or "Shut the
fuck up, Padre!")

Drinking: No falling down. No puking -- unless to empty the stomach
in order to continue 
drinking. No slurring of words. Tell a few war stories: "See that
scar? I was in 'Nam and I 
ate a grenade and it blew up in my colon." If your aim is off due to
alcohol, it's acceptable 
to punch someone in the head or solar plexus.

Sex: You're probably too drunk or just plain stupid to have sex but
pretend you get a lot, 
i.e. "You should've seen me last night, blah, blah, blah, blah."

Absorb this info and you should be on your way. If you have any
further questions, call 
1-800-COJONES. Remember: We're men. Big, boxy, sweaty, ignorant men.
We have penises. Well, 
we used to have penises. Either way, I think Billy Martin, the late
Yankees manager, said it 
best when he said, "Hey, I can drive."

- Ant


-----------------

poster: Ant
subject: Seinfeldism...
date: Wed Oct  4 01:42:35 2000

What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on
the pillow? I  awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal
matter.

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals
allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the
dog, or the blind person?

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important
occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants?
"Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded
every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we
are doing? Why don't they just  give us a trigonometry quiz with the
menu?

How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the
basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the
person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to
move up too?  Do we really think we are making progress toward our
destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine
inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a Danish!" 

Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows?
How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait
till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."

Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup
holders,kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When
you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully
hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not.

- Ant


-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Jokes
date: Wed Oct  4 05:36:14 2000

Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: To a different bar.

Q: Did you hear what the Chinese couple named their retarded baby?
A: Sum Ting Wong

Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.

Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at halfmast?
A: They're hiring.

Q: Why are there no Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A: Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying, "Yo".

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A pimp.

Q: Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the carA:
Because on Tuesdays and Thursdays the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q: What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A: A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of
the cage, along with a recipe.

Q: How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say, "fuck"?
A: Get another sweet 80-year-old lady to say, "BINGO!"

Q: What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A: Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q: What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A: A northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." and a southern
fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

-----------------

poster: Basketball
subject: Mexicans
date: Thu Oct  5 23:57:48 2000

2 Mexicans are riding in a car. Who's driving?
A Policeman.

How do you find out the population of Mexico?
Roll a Quarter down the hill.
How do you find the richest person in Mexico?
See who rolled the Quarter.

What do you call a bunch of White People running down a hill?
An Avalanche.
What do you call a bunch of Black People running down a hill?
A Mudslide.

What do you call a bunch of Mexicans running down a hill?
A Jailbreak.

-----------------

poster: Golte
subject: litebulb
date: Fri Oct  6 00:28:59 2000

Question: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to
change a light bulb? 

Answer: 1331 

     1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that
the light bulb has been changed. 
     14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how
the light bulb could have been changed differently. 
     7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 
     27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing
light bulbs. 
     53 to flame the spell checkers. 
     156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the
light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list. 
     41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 
     109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to
please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb. 
     203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling
and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped. 
     111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use
light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.

     306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior,
where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work
best for this
     technique, and what brands are faulty. 
     27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs. 
     14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post
corrected URLs. 
     3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are
relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

     33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including
all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too.". 
     12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they
can not handle the light bulb controversy. 
     19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say "Me Three.". 
     4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 
     1 to propose a new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. 
     47 to say this is just what alt.physics.cold_fusion was meant
for, leave it there. 
     143 votes for alt.change.lite.bulb. 


For some reason i thought about our ideas group when reading this. 

 [

-----------------

poster: Ant
subject: A drunk...
date: Fri Oct  6 21:17:59 2000

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers
up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your
mom's the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk
wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy,
and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back
to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked
it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

- Ant


-----------------

poster: Basketball
subject: A Blond Moment
date: Sat Oct  7 04:10:54 2000

This happened just today, but I think it was so funny.....

I was at a friend's house, and my mom needed to call, so, being the
Smart Blonde she is and remembering I called before she left, she
calls home and tells my sister to *69

-----------------

poster: Zax
subject: Noah's Ark.
date: Sat Oct  7 08:18:52 2000

courtesy The Sunday Telegraph...


The discovery by marine archaeologists of the submerged remians of
the buildings which may be the basis for the story of Noah's Ark is
likely to re-open a long-running debate. The great question is: DId
Noah over-react? Did he, all that time ago (probably between 5460 BC
and 4820 BC) mishnadle the crisis and make too much of a drama out
of what was, in essence, a spell of exceptionally wet weather?

Some scholars have blamed the animals. They queued up in pairs to
get on the ark in a way which can only be described as "panic
embarking". It probably started out with a few living creatures,
some fowls, half a dozen cattle and a small number of creeping
things of the earth, then the whole thing escalated out of control.
Pretty soon, you had a line of living creatures, fowls, cattle and
creeping thigns, hardly moving and stretching miles back and right
around the base of Mount Ararat. The absurd thing about it was the
amount of non-essential embarking. Many of the living creatures (and
indeed the fowls) were quite capable of swimming. Even thoough some
of the creeping things let the side down, my own feeling is that the
humans were mostly to blame for all the disruption. I believe that
Noah himself could have been guilty of hoarding giraffes and other
endangered species.

Let us consider the character of the man. Genesis tells us that, at
the time the Great Flood Scare began, he was actually 600 years, two
months and 17 days old. This is an age when men tend to surround
themselves with a lot of clutter. You will remember that he had a
good many cubits of gopher wood just lying around. He was obviously
one of those people who couldn't bear to throw things out.

Even after the ark had been built, there were disagreements about
the lack of cubits. After deciphering some contemporary tablets, I
am able to give a pretty clear idea of the dialogue.
"Do you need to pack all this stuff?" Noah said to his wife. "We're
only going for 40 days and 40 nights, you know. It's not a luxury
cruise. All I'm taking is this rough woven garment and a spare pair
of sandals in case these ones get sweaty."
"You can't possibly need 15 identical mud-coloured rough woven
garments," Noah persisted. "And what about all these medicines and
stuff? The insect repellent is ok, but do you really think we need
eye drops? And this vast bottle of milk of magnesia? Look at Japheth
and his wife; they've got all they need in one little rucksack."
"What about you and all your species?" his wife retorted. "Is it
really necessary to have camels and dromedaries?"
"The dromedaries are spare," Noah said. "If something happened to
the camels, I'd look silly with no humped creatures."

It appears that the arguments continued for most of the voyage, with
Noah's wife protesting that he had gone completely over the top with
all the creatures he had taken on board.

Eventually the compromised; she agreed to throw four pairs of
evening shoes into the water if he would ditch the "utterly
pointless" ostriches. In fact, Noah went back on the deal and just
released a dove.

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Hormones
date: Tue Oct 10 14:24:36 2000

> > Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when
> > all a
> > man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.
> > This is
> > a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the
> > wallet
> > of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.
> >
> > DANGEROUS:  What's for dinner?
> > SAFER:  Can I help you with dinner?
> > SAFEST:  Where would you like to go for dinner?
> >
> > DANGEROUS:  Are you wearing THAT?
> > SAFER:  Gee, you look good in brown.
> > SAFEST:  Wow! Look at you!
> >
> > DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
> > SAFER:  Could we be overreacting?
> > SAFEST:  Here's fifty dollars.
> >
> > DANGEROUS:  Should you be eating that?
> > SAFER:  You know, there are a lot of apples left.
> > SAFEST:  Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
> >
> > DANGEROUS:  What did you DO all day?
> > SAFER:  I hope you didn't overdo today.
> > SAFEST:  I've always loved you in that robe.



-----------------

poster: Nop
subject: When guild items go too far!
date: Tue Oct 10 15:26:18 2000

Bad news people...mumbling something about the lack of eq parties,
the administration has decided to implement a new eq system:  All
top slot eq is going to be removed, and in its place will be items that
allow you to join certain guilds.  These guilds will be open to all,
like traveler, and will each have one level and one skill.  They
will each come with a guild item of the appropriate slot, and training
the skill will increase the stats of your guild item.  So get cracking,
people!  Eq parties are about to become a lot more popular!
 
Hey, I think it's funny,
Nop.

-----------------

poster: Energystar
subject: mmm
date: Tue Oct 10 20:28:21 2000

 This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long
before I can get a haircut?" The  barber looks around the shop and
says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. 

 A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I can get a  haircut?" The barber looks around at
shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy  leaves. 

 A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a  haircut?" The barber looks around the
shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. 

 The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill,
follow that guy and see  where he goes." In a little while, Bill
comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. 

 The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" 

 Bill looked up and said, "To your house." 

-----------------

poster: Zifnab
subject: wish
date: Thu Oct 12 02:53:46 2000

Continuing in the recent thread of jokes....

>>GOD GRANTS A WISH - - -
>>
>>A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden
>>he
>>said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
>>Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord
>>said, "Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
>>one wish."
>>
>>The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I
want
>>to."
>>The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics
>>of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of
>>the Pacific!  The concrete and steel it would take!  I can do it, but it
is
>>hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.  Take a little more
>>time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify
>>me."
>>
>>The man thought about it for a long time.  Finally he said, "Lord, I have
>>been married and divorced four times.  All of my wives said that I am
>>uncaring and insensitive.  I wish that I could understand women. I want to
>>know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the
>>silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and
>>how I can make a woman truly happy.
>>
>>After a few minutes God said, You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
>

-----------------

poster: Energystar
subject: mm
date: Sat Oct 14 04:12:41 2000

 A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday
evening and read's: 

 Dear Wife (that's what he called her) I am 54 and by the time you
receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful
and sexy 18 year old secretary. 

 When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows: 

 Dear Husband (that's what she called him) I too am 54 and by the
time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton Hotel with my
handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. You being an accountant
will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times
than 54 goes into 18!!!!

 (I know it's bad, but I'm bored.)

 --Es.

-----------------

poster: Caliban
subject: Jokes
date: Sat Oct 14 04:54:11 2000

Take a long hard look in the mirror. ;)



-----------------

poster: Zifnab
subject: windows
date: Sat Oct 14 17:02:14 2000

http://www.bigfatbaby.com/windows.htm

-----------------

poster: Nightfall
subject: you need one
date: Mon Oct 16 14:53:39 2000


     I just bought one of these and it really works with the new
duracell batteries.

http://trident.mcs.kent.edu/~dgelerin/gifs/mensremote.jpg

  -NF


-----------------

poster: Nightfall
subject: new MS software
date: Mon Oct 16 15:07:01 2000


Just tried out the new speech dication software...

<><><>

Well today's Gettysburg.  Then for sure I can be their helpers all rated, by
some of this-take this is pretty funny.  This is nowhere near Rome said of the
country in the computer will better.  I wonder if this does curse words.  Up
front.  FCC said.  Half you see cat.  And the attendant and his home
near Paris
this all over this that by the time on them.  This is ridiculous
welcome bit of
this keeps ticking dictator in a temporary value one man So off.  How this is
flowing.

So why would I wonder who but is actually pretty stupid ideas this technology
has a long way to go.  V course would be nice to my journal entries this way
into the building.  The typing specially commissioned a diaper.  But the
problem.  He the pollution.  The Mets record of the ball.

It said the new ways that we should do about this plane from question In
computer fairly this is in the works and at 70 typing.  But the one
they decide
to be some sort insure work.  Separately.  Not really sure Russia
believe it or
keypad if wages keep talking, is to bring back the census of to give me more
things put in some on separate.  So they lay computer hard thinking whether to
his home yet question that she's probably run it will listen in the fall flat
computer laughing disaster of at Nassau.  So ... how about them up.
? The race.
 With a white the call yesterday.  He was the board usually calls which once
did it laid that sell a heavy.  Actually, this is starting to sound like that
sprint commercial.  And ... that this is enough.  And dictation he has his
aloof and dictation and dictation by a vacation.

<><><>

Apparently the software was written by a woman (listens just as well)  ;)

  -NF


-----------------

poster: Magneto
subject: heheh
date: Mon Oct 16 21:22:14 2000


>  This is the Texas version of "Survivor"
> >
> > Contestants must drive roundtrip from Amarillo via Dallas/Fort
> > Worth, Houston, San Antonio through Lubbock and return to
> > Amarillo in a Subaru with a bumper sticker that reads:
> >
> > "I'm gay....and I'm here to take your guns"
> >
> > First one to arrive back safely is the winner!
> >
> >
>

-----------------

poster: Spiraldancer
subject: Resignation
date: Mon Oct 16 22:26:46 2000

RESIGNATION

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.

I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old
again.  I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star
restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with
rocks.  I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends
on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple; When all you knew were
colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother
you,
because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.

All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the
things that should make you worried or upset.  I want to think the world is
fair. That everyone is honest and good.  I want to believe that anything is
possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly
excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer
crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days
in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness,
and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice,
peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So . . . here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my
401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first,
cause........

....."Tag! You're it."

-Spiral who has forsaken the adult world

-----------------

poster: Wildchild
subject: The Top Science Fiction Geek Pickup Lines
date: Mon Oct 16 23:26:49 2000

The Top Science Fiction Geek Pickup Lines

14> "Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on 'stunning.'"

13> "I can't help it -- my eyes are trapped in the gravitational
field of your breasts!!"

12> "Nice Asimov."

11> "Not only can I beam you aboard, I can beam you a woody."

10> "W-w-w-w-w-wo-would y-y-y-y-you g-g-g-g-go o-o-out w-w-w-w...
ah, screw it."

9> "Is that Shai-Hulud, the life-giving spice-producing god-worm in
your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"

8> "Earth woman, prepare to be probed!"

7> "Forgive my Kirk-like boldness, but you wanna go back to my mom's
place and watch 'Dr. Who'?"

6> "How 'bout I slip into something more comfortable... like these
STAR TREK VOYAGER pajamas!"

5> "I'm the droid you're looking for."

4> "Is that a spare Vulcan ear in your pocket or... well, I'm just
asking because some jerk in the parking lot pulled off one of my
Vulcan ears."

3> "Hey, baby. I own Microsoft."

2> "Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull
breach is imminent.'"

1> "I sense something... a presence I've not felt since I saw you
bend over the registration table."


-----------------

poster: Nyx
subject: Cannibals
date: Tue Oct 17 01:36:10 2000

Two cannibals decided to sit down and have lunch together. One
starts at the top, the other at the bottom. A while later the top
cannibal says, "How you doing down there?" and the bottom cannibal
says, "I'm just having a ball."



Now you all laughed, but that wasn;t the punch line....
The top cannibal says, "Slow down, you're eating too fast!"
Nyx who laughed when this was told to her

-----------------

poster: Mirrim
subject: NOTICE
date: Tue Oct 17 07:49:22 2000

Two old men robbed a drugstore and stole a year supply of Viagra.


Cops are looking for hardened criminals.

-----------------

poster: Basketball
subject: Priceless
date: Tue Oct 17 23:34:48 2000

Directions to a Hot Girl's House: $10
Good Set of Binoculars: $50
Hospital Bill: $120
Watching your friend fall out of a tree and breaking his leg while
peeping: Priceless.

-----------------

poster: Spiraldancer
subject: The Chicken
date: Thu Oct 19 23:22:10 2000

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Answers From:

PAT BUCHANAN:

To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

JERRY FALWELL:

Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the

plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other

side." That's what "they" call it - the "other side". Yes, my friends,

that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too.

I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the

liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other

side". That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain

and simple as that.

DR. SEUSS:

Did the chicken cross the road?

Did he cross it with a toad?

Yes! The chicken crossed the road,

but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without

having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA:

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us

that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE:

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX:

It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

This is an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in

dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER:

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have

to cross before you believe it?

FREUD:

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road

reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:

I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but

will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -

and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN:

Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the

chicken?

BILL CLINTON:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"?

Would you define "chicken" please?

GEORGE W. BUSH:

I don't think I should have to answer that question.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:

The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the

"black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE:

And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken. "Thou

shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much

rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS:

I missed one?



-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: For the Canadians
date: Fri Oct 20 18:58:12 2000

As far as I know, this will only work in Canada. A friend sent me
this this morning, I had my dad try it too, it's HILARIOUS...it's
free, legal, not obscene and I swear you won't regret it. 
Dial 1-800-888-3999
Wait for option #7
press #7 on your phone
Enjoy...

I'm going to go do this again...toooooo funny.

Javi

-----------------

poster: Apathy
subject: >For the Canadians
date: Sat Oct 21 01:07:41 2000

On Fri Oct 20 10:58:12 2000 Javier wrote post #42:
> As far as I know, this will only work in Canada. A friend sent me
> this this morning, I had my dad try it too, it's HILARIOUS...it's
> free, legal, not obscene and I swear you won't regret it. 
> Dial 1-800-888-3999
> Wait for option #7
> press #7 on your phone
> Enjoy...
> 
> I'm going to go do this again...toooooo funny.
> 
> Javi

Just tried it, works in US too =)

-Apathy

-----------------

poster: Nyx
subject: >For the Canadians
date: Sun Oct 22 06:16:24 2000

On Fri Oct 20 10:58:12 2000 Javier wrote post #42:
> As far as I know, this will only work in Canada. A friend sent me
> this this morning, I had my dad try it too, it's HILARIOUS...it's
> free, legal, not obscene and I swear you won't regret it. 
> Dial 1-800-888-3999
> Wait for option #7
> press #7 on your phone
> Enjoy...
> 
> I'm going to go do this again...toooooo funny.
> 
> Javi
Quack Quack baby
Hehe, that was great. 
Nyx

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: God
date: Sun Oct 22 22:48:53 2000

AP - HEAVEN-- Reminiscing Monday, God wondered aloud what happened
to "that one planet I made, like,
four and a half billion years ago, the one with all the monkeys."
"Man, I haven't thought about that planet in
forever," God said. "I have no idea why it suddenly popped into My
head. I remember it was really crude, one of
My weaker early efforts, back when I was experimenting with the
oxygen atmospheres and those ridiculous
carbon-based lifeforms. And I was on that whole upper-primate kick.
Huh." God said He couldn't remember the
planet's name but was pretty sure it was "something like Ursh or
Orth or maybe Ert." 


-----------------

poster: Energystar
subject: Dumb crimes
date: Mon Oct 23 09:27:36 2000

 A true story out of San Francisco:

 It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked
into the branch and wrote "This is a stickup.  Put all your muny in
this bag."  While standing in line, wating to give his note to the
teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note
and might call the police before he reached the teller window.  So
he left the bankd and went across the street to Wells Fargo.  After
waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller. 
She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not
the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo
deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.  Looking somewhat
defeated, the man said 'Ok' and left.  The teller then called the
police who arrested the man a few minutes later as he was waiting in
line back at Bank of America.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb.  It came back to him with 'return to sender' stamped on
it.  You've guessed it - he opened it and said a fond farewell to
his face.


-----------------

poster: Rizzly
subject: Funny picture site
date: Thu Oct 26 00:59:42 2000

www.galactus.org/comic
(if you want pics of models do /db instead of /comic)

-----------------

poster: Energystar
subject: mmm
date: Fri Oct 27 17:25:20 2000

 Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results

 Receptionist: “I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up
and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to
the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well, and
we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s
either bad or terrible."

 Mr. Smith: What do you mean?

 Receptionist: Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for
Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which is
your wife.

 Mr. Smith: That's terrible! Can we take the test over?

 Receptionist: Normally, yes. But you belong to an HMO, and they
won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.

 Mr. Smith: Well, what am I supposed to do now?

 Receptionist: The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in
the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with
her.

 Heheheh.
 --Es.

-----------------

poster: Adjudicator
subject: Joke
date: Sat Oct 28 17:07:20 2000

What's black and blue, and goes "thud thud thud"?
A baby in a dryer.

-----------------

poster: Zifnab
subject: darwin awards
date: Tue Oct 31 13:50:16 2000

Thought there were pretty funny this morning...

Shorties: STUPID HUMAN TRICKS
Unconfirmed by Darwin

A 23-year-old bar-brawler who had been escorted out of the Turtle
Club in Florida by a bouncer, sneaked back in and leaped off a
staircase, aiming a kick at another man, but was killed when he
landed on his head.

Two animal rights activists were protesting the cruelty of sending
pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn by freeing a captive herd.
Suddenly all two thousand of pigs stampeded through the gate
they were opening, and trampled the hapless protesters to death.

In San Jose, California, Herman, an avid hunter, used the butt of
his shotgun to bash his girlfriend's windshield during an argument.
But his loaded gun accidentally discharged into his stomach,
killing him and ending the argument.


Shorties: HONORABLE MENTIONS
Unconfirmed by Darwin

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police
arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor
home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man
admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the
motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle
declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh
he'd ever had.



-----------------

poster: Killaaz
subject: the bear and the rabbit
date: Tue Oct 31 17:58:33 2000

A bear and a rabbit walks around in a forest when suddenly
they see a faerie.
-I am a faerie and i give you 3 wishes each.
The bear starts laughing.
-That easy. I want to be exremly rich.
-Done, says the faerie.
Now it is the rabbits pick.
-I want a Helmet.
The bear points at the rabbit and laugh out loud.
-You fool! You can get anything you want and you want a helmet?
Now it was time for the bears second wish.
-All female bears shall love me.
It comes true.
-I want a motobike.
Again the bear starts laughing.
-Moron.A motobike? You can get as many as you like if you pick the right
wishes!
The rabbit gets his motobike and its the bears time to pick again.
-I wish that all the bears in the whole world to be female,except me. 
It comes true and the bear is very happy.
The rabbit put the helmet on his head, get on his ride and says:
-I wish that this bear was homosexual, and then he drive away.


-----------------

poster: Magneto
subject: obsession tester
date: Tue Oct 31 22:52:34 2000

http://www.happyhub.com/network/reflex/

-----------------

poster: Ant
subject: >obsession tester
date: Wed Nov  1 21:21:57 2000

On Tue Oct 31 22:52:34 2000 Magneto wrote post #52:
> http://www.happyhub.com/network/reflex/
Argh... addictive... yes... ;) Just got .11 seconds! Whee! ;)))
Hey! I got an idea! Let's make a high-score list for this! Or then
let's not...

- Ant is bored...


-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Deep Thoughts
date: Mon Nov  6 20:38:46 2000

Remember these from Saturday Night Live? 




       Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the
word itself: "Mankind".
       Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and
"ind". What do these words
       mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. 

       Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make
the world spin real fast and
       freak everybody out. 

       Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he
sticks his head out when
       you're coming home his face might burn up. 

       Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's
say you're  on the moon and
       you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The
next time he goes out for
       the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and
blast off. He might call
       you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say,
"Think again, bat man." 

       I bet when Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone
would always end up saying,
       "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all
get embarrassed because they
       remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get
mad and eat the snowman. 

       A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of
dynamite. Then you call the guy
       and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Here that?" you
say."That's dynamite, baby."


       One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was
going to take my little nephew
       to Disneyland, but instead i drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh no," I said.
       "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think
deep down, he thought it was a
       pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real
Disneyland, but it was getting
       pretty late. 

       If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off,
and then gets back on you, I
       think you should buck him off right away. 

       If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp,
because maybe you'll look like
       a dummy and people will try to catch you because hey, free dummy. 

       Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some
sort of striking surface
       attached to the end of a long stick. 

       I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a
plane crash is they don't want
       anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then,
when somebody comes up, act
       like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!" 

       The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part
of the face. 

       If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest
thing is to keep the students
       from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that. 

       If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of
danger, screaming and
       tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr.. Brave man, I
guess I am a coward. 

       To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography, and the
       dancers hit each other. 

       Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little
trick to calm myself down.
       I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When
the person comes to the
       door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A
jack-o-lantern with a knife
       stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You".
After that I usually feel a
       lot better, and no harm done. 

       It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh
at that man.

-----------------

poster: Jomo
subject: Vote Gore
date: Mon Nov  6 21:00:02 2000

Go take a look at this page.. and ask youself.. do you want to
vote a moron for president....

http://politics.slate.msn.com/Features/bushisms/bushisms.asp.

-----------------

poster: Kalma
subject: Voting Instructions
date: Mon Nov  6 21:03:41 2000

 |------------------------------------------------------------|
 |                                                            |
 |     Due to an anticipated voter turnout much larger than   |
 |     originally expected, the polling facilities may not be |
 |     able to handle the load all at once. Therefore,        |
 |     Republicans and Libertarians are requested to vote on  |
 |     Tuesday, November 7, and Democrats, Greens and         |
 |     Independents on Wednesday, November 8.                 |
 |                                                            |
 |     Thank you,                                             |
 |     The 2000 Presidential Election Commission              |
 |                                                            |
 |------------------------------------------------------------|
 

-K

-----------------

poster: Kazulanth
subject: >Voting Instructions
date: Tue Nov  7 03:00:29 2000

Oh please don't perpetuate this. I received several emails from
friends about this and I think they are taking it seriously. Yes,
everybody votes on the same day.

--kaz

-----------------

poster: Energystar
subject: >>Voting Instructions
date: Tue Nov  7 08:26:03 2000

On Tue Nov  7 03:00:29 2000 Kazulanth wrote post #57:
> Oh please don't perpetuate this. I received several emails from
> friends about this and I think they are taking it seriously. Yes,
> everybody votes on the same day.
> 
> --kaz
If ppl are naive enough to believe that, then they deserve to vote
on Wednesday...

-----------------

poster: Magneto
subject: >>Voting Instructions
date: Tue Nov  7 17:49:00 2000

On Tue Nov  7 03:00:29 2000 Kazulanth wrote post #57:
> Oh please don't perpetuate this. I received several emails from
> friends about this and I think they are taking it seriously. Yes,
> everybody votes on the same day.
> 
> --kaz
If they are dumb enough not to get this.  I really don't want them
deciding the fate of my country.

-----------------

poster: Jomo
subject: Voting on Wednesday
date: Thu Nov  9 04:49:50 2000

Looks like we're all waiting for the votes to be counted on 
Thursday anyway.. funny how things work out.

-----------------

poster: Apathy
subject: >>>Voting Instructions
date: Thu Nov  9 17:51:40 2000

On Tue Nov  7 08:26:03 2000 Energystar wrote post #58:
> On Tue Nov  7 03:00:29 2000 Kazulanth wrote post #57:
> > Oh please don't perpetuate this. I received several emails from
> > friends about this and I think they are taking it seriously. Yes,
> > everybody votes on the same day.
> > 
> > --kaz
> If ppl are naive enough to believe that, then they deserve to vote
> on Wednesday...

And then the republican will win, doofus.

-----------------

poster: Phire
subject: Star Wars Lovers
date: Fri Nov 10 19:14:46 2000

Two great things that go together:
Legos and Star Wars!
http://www5b.biglobe.ne.jp/~mbsf/sworde.htm

-----------------

poster: Seth
subject: backstreet boys
date: Tue Nov 14 15:42:11 2000

http://arcticfox.penguinpowered.com/bsb/

-----------------

poster: Zifnab
subject: election
date: Tue Nov 14 16:00:15 2000

Thought this was funny...

Newsgroups: comp.databases.oracle.server
From: NOSPAM_jazztunes@yahoo.com (David H.)
Subject: Ballot counting system - HELP!

We have been experiencing severe performance problems with our
ballot counting 
system over the last several days.  Also the system appears to return 
inaccurate results sometimes.  This seems to coincide with another problem 
where the output columns don't line up.  While running TKPROF against a 
session trace, I noticed this recursive call being executed:

  select count(votes)
  from   v$sess_pool
  where  state  = 'FL'
  and    county = 'Palm Beach'
  and    iq     < 75

I've already contacted the DNC tech support line.  The tech support guy, J. 
Jackson, gave me an LSI (law suit ID) for tracking purposes.  He
said it could 
be up to 10 days until he has an answer for us.  Has anyone else experienced 
this? 

--D. Umbass


-----------------

poster: Magneto
subject: not really a joke but
date: Wed Nov 15 18:28:52 2000

this is cool
telnet to blekko.net
type starwars

wow

-----------------

poster: Baer
subject: An open letter
date: Thu Nov 16 04:57:52 2000

An Open Letter To the citizens of the United States of America...

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories,
excepting Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside
your borders), will appoint a minister for America without the need
for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium".  Check the pronunciation guide.  You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. 
Look up "vocabulary".  Using the same twenty seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
"interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English" .  We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, 'God Save The
Queen', but only after fully carrying out task 1.  We would not want
you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football.  There is only one
kind of football.  What you refer to as American football is not a
very good game.  The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a
world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
American football.  You will no longer be allowed to play it, and
should instead play proper football.  Initially, it would be best if
you played with the girls.  It is a difficult game. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
similar to American  football, but does not involve stopping for a
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies).  We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens
side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
weapons if they give you any merde.  The 97.85% of you who were not
aware that there is a world outside your borders  should count
yourselves lucky.  The Russians have never been the bad guys.  Merde
is French for "sh*t".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday.  November 8th will be a
new national holiday, but only in England.  It will be called
'Indecisive Day'.

9. All American cars are hereby banned.  They are crap and it is for
your own good.  When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your co-operation. 



-----------------

poster: Pedron
subject: >An open letter
date: Thu Nov 16 07:40:04 2000

I would flaf if someone really tried to take 
us over and saw their country removed from the face of the 
earth the next day. :)

Americans can be this arrogant, just we're too lazy 
to bother taking over your boring countries. :)

-Pedron

ps>That letter alleviated my boredom for a few moments at 
least.  Thanks. *grin*

-----------------

poster: Khosan
subject: >>An open letter
date: Thu Nov 16 08:49:21 2000

On Thu Nov 16 07:40:04 2000 Pedron wrote post #67:
> I would flaf if someone really tried to take 
> us over and saw their country removed from the face of the 
> earth the next day. :)
> 
> Americans can be this arrogant, just we're too lazy 
> to bother taking over your boring countries. :)
> 
> -Pedron
> 
> ps>That letter alleviated my boredom for a few moments at 
> least.  Thanks. *grin*

Oh really? The last few wars you have been involved haven't exactly been
the greatest successes. You should ask the germans how you take over a
country, they seem to be much better at it. Just bombing them isn't it.

PS. I am sure both france and UK has more than enough nuclear missiles
of their own to kill more than 95% of the US population should you try
to "remove their face of the earth".

Khosan

-----------------

poster: Pedron
subject: >>>An open letter
date: Thu Nov 16 09:47:56 2000

On Thu Nov 16 08:49:21 2000 Khosan wrote post #68:
> On Thu Nov 16 07:40:04 2000 Pedron wrote post #67:
> > I would flaf if someone really tried to take 
> > us over and saw their country removed from the face of the 
> > earth the next day. :)
> > 
> > Americans can be this arrogant, just we're too lazy 
> > to bother taking over your boring countries. :)
> > 
> > -Pedron
> > 
> > ps>That letter alleviated my boredom for a few moments at 
> > least.  Thanks. *grin*
> 
> Oh really? The last few wars you have been involved haven't exactly been
> the greatest successes. You should ask the germans how you take over a
> country, they seem to be much better at it. Just bombing them isn't it.
> 
> PS. I am sure both france and UK has more than enough nuclear missiles
> of their own to kill more than 95% of the US population should you try
> to "remove their face of the earth".
> 
> Khosan
Still couldn't take us over before we blew up the rest of the world. :)
'twould be mutual assured destruction or whatever they call it to try.

I'll point out Germany took you all over, but not us, and look at 
their military now. :P  There's some ugly military history.
Japan wiped out a good portion of our pacific fleet the one time 
and look what they got for THAT.  Well, now they're kicking our ass 
economically sort of.  I think the Canadians and the Chinese would 
be the only real threats if they got up a strong nuclear 
weaapons program. :P  Well, maybe not the canadians.

Pedron perpetuates sPammy post practices :)

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: >>>>An open letter
date: Thu Nov 16 11:05:59 2000

On Thu Nov 16 09:47:56 2000 Pedron wrote post #69:
> On Thu Nov 16 08:49:21 2000 Khosan wrote post #68:
> > On Thu Nov 16 07:40:04 2000 Pedron wrote post #67:
> > > I would flaf if someone really tried to take 
> > > us over and saw their country removed from the face of the 
> > > earth the next day. :)
> > > 
> > > Americans can be this arrogant, just we're too lazy 
> > > to bother taking over your boring countries. :)
> > > 
> > > -Pedron
> > > 
> > > ps>That letter alleviated my boredom for a few moments at 
> > > least.  Thanks. *grin*
> > 
> > Oh really? The last few wars you have been involved haven't exactly been
> > the greatest successes. You should ask the germans how you take over a
> > country, they seem to be much better at it. Just bombing them isn't it.
> > 
> > PS. I am sure both france and UK has more than enough nuclear missiles
> > of their own to kill more than 95% of the US population should you try
> > to "remove their face of the earth".
> > 
> > Khosan
> Still couldn't take us over before we blew up the rest of the world. :)
> 'twould be mutual assured destruction or whatever they call it to try.
> 
> I'll point out Germany took you all over, but not us, and look at 
> their military now. :P  There's some ugly military history.
> Japan wiped out a good portion of our pacific fleet the one time 
> and look what they got for THAT.  Well, now they're kicking our ass 
> economically sort of.  I think the Canadians and the Chinese would 
> be the only real threats if they got up a strong nuclear 
> weaapons program. :P  Well, maybe not the canadians.
> 
> Pedron perpetuates sPammy post practices :)

Doesn't ANYONE think Canadians are scary? -ANYONE-???????????
Javi the scary Canadian will nuke your arse...

-----------------

poster: Killaaz
subject: An open letter
date: Thu Nov 16 11:18:20 2000

Javiers post kinda proves the letter to be right..ya americans dont
know much about the rest of the world.
First, no one dare to use nukes in the first place. Even tho russian
isnt the same superpower that they use to be
First, no one dare to use nukes in the first place. Even tho russian
isnt the same superpower that they use to be
ops
they still have enough nukes to wipe most of the US population.
The US have never won one single war through ground forces. WW2 was
kinda ended when the threat of nukes came.
Vietnam....do i have to say anything?
Korea?
Well then we have Irac....I know that US took out lots of tanks with
their M1A2 but the iracains had old T-54 and T-64..no match for em.
The rest of the war was almost pure bombing and shit.
Skip the nuke shit. It never gonna happen anyway..
If ya nuke a countrie ya cant take it over afterwards because ya
cant live there.
Just getting pissed

-----------------

poster: Wildchild
subject: >An open letter
date: Thu Nov 16 11:21:11 2000

On Thu Nov 16 11:18:20 2000 Killaaz wrote post #71:
> Javiers post kinda proves the letter to be right..ya americans dont
> know much about the rest of the world.
> First, no one dare to use nukes in the first place. Even tho russian
> isnt the same superpower that they use to be
> First, no one dare to use nukes in the first place. Even tho russian
> isnt the same superpower that they use to be
> ops
> they still have enough nukes to wipe most of the US population.
> The US have never won one single war through ground forces. WW2 was
> kinda ended when the threat of nukes came.
> Vietnam....do i have to say anything?
> Korea?
> Well then we have Irac....I know that US took out lots of tanks with
> their M1A2 but the iracains had old T-54 and T-64..no match for em.
> The rest of the war was almost pure bombing and shit.
> Skip the nuke shit. It never gonna happen anyway..
> If ya nuke a countrie ya cant take it over afterwards because ya
> cant live there.
> Just getting pissed

Actually, I don't like the fact that you generalize all Americans
just cause Pedron wants to be a fucking idiot.

Never won a single war, eh? Hmm, well, I suppose we could go back to
the Revolutionary War, our own Civil War... what the hell won WWI
anyways?

-----------------

poster: Zax
subject: JOKE!
date: Thu Nov 16 12:22:10 2000

just a reminder that this is the jokes news group etc. not a
who-has-the-biggest-penis news group (which incidently, you might
want to look into creating this news group, since i'm sure it will
receive plenty of support).
and for this news group:

-Serbian president Vojislav Kostunica deployed more than 30,000
peacekeeping troops to the U.S. Monday, pledging full support to the
troubled North American nation as it struggles to establish
democracy.
Commenting, he said: "We must do all we can to support free
elections in America and allow democracy to gain a foothold there,"
Kostunica said. "The U.S. is a major player in the Western
Hemisphere and its continued stability is vital to Serbian interests
in that region."
Kostunica urged Al Gore, the U.S. opposition-party leader who is
refusing to recognize the nation's Nov. 7 election results, to "let
the democratic process take its course."
"Mr. Gore needs to acknowledge the will of the people and concede
that he has lost this election," Kostunica said. "Until America's
political figures learn to respect the institutions that have been
put in place, the nation will never be a true democracy."
Serbian forces have been stationed throughout the U.S., with an
emphasis on certain trouble zones. Among them are Oregon, Florida,
and eastern Tennessee, where Gore set up headquarters in Bush
territory. An additional 10,000 troops are expected to arrive in the
capital city of Washington, D.C. by Friday.
Though Kostunica has pledged to work with U.S. leaders, he did not
rule out the possibility of economic sanctions if the crisis is not
resolved soon.
"For democracy to take root and flourish, it must be planted in the
rich soil of liberty. And the cornerstone of liberty is elections
free of tampering or corruption," Kostunica said. "Should America
prove itself incapable of learning this lesson on its own, the
international community may be forced to take stronger measures."


-----------------

poster: Tranquil
subject: >>>>An open letter
date: Thu Nov 16 14:46:17 2000

On Thu Nov 16 09:47:56 2000 Pedron wrote post #69:
> On Thu Nov 16 08:49:21 2000 Khosan wrote post #68:
> > On Thu Nov 16 07:40:04 2000 Pedron wrote post #67:
> > > I would flaf if someone really tried to take 
> > > us over and saw their country removed from the face of the 
> > > earth the next day. :)
> > > 
> > > Americans can be this arrogant, just we're too lazy 
> > > to bother taking over your boring countries. :)
> > > 
> > > -Pedron
> > > 
> > > ps>That letter alleviated my boredom for a few moments at 
> > > least.  Thanks. *grin*
> > 
> > Oh really? The last few wars you have been involved haven't exactly been
> > the greatest successes. You should ask the germans how you take over a
> > country, they seem to be much better at it. Just bombing them isn't it.
> > 
> > PS. I am sure both france and UK has more than enough nuclear missiles
> > of their own to kill more than 95% of the US population should you try
> > to "remove their face of the earth".
> > 
> > Khosan
> Still couldn't take us over before we blew up the rest of the world. :)
> 'twould be mutual assured destruction or whatever they call it to try.
> 
> I'll point out Germany took you all over, but not us, and look at 
> their military now. :P  There's some ugly military history.
> Japan wiped out a good portion of our pacific fleet the one time 
> and look what they got for THAT.  Well, now they're kicking our ass 
> economically sort of.  I think the Canadians and the Chinese would 
> be the only real threats if they got up a strong nuclear 
> weaapons program. :P  Well, maybe not the canadians.
> 
> Pedron perpetuates sPammy post practices :)
Taking the USA over would be piss easy. At least, for aussie males
it would be. I've spoken to probably 20 or so american girls in the
last year and all of them swoon at deep aussie accents.
Think of how you would fare if we stole all your women away and you
all became gay and died out in 80 years =)

- Tranquil, the aussie guy who has started the final american war.


-----------------

poster: Zifnab
subject: >An open letter
date: Thu Nov 16 14:58:26 2000

On Thu Nov 16 11:18:20 2000 Killaaz wrote post #71:
> Javiers post kinda proves the letter to be right..ya americans dont
> know much about the rest of the world.

Based on your logic (looking at 2 posts) do I get to
completely judge all hawaians, and swedish people based 
on what I have seen in the mud....  Please
dont over generalize, each country has their idiots, 
some are louder than others.

-----------------

poster: Blackthorne
subject: This whole open-letter thing.
date: Thu Nov 16 15:13:10 2000

First of all, I think Baer just meant it as a joke and I'll take it
as just that. Why the hell should we jumping down our throats over
whose country has the biggest balls, the most nukes, or the least
inbred families? I think territorial take-overs are a long dead
practice in the Western World. Second of all, it was a joke aimed at
the fact that the US can't elect a president. Hell, I live in the
US, I think we might be better off without one. Anyhow, stop getting
pissy over a joke. And 'God save the Queen'!
-Blackthorne

-----------------

poster: Pedron
subject: >This whole open-letter thing.
date: Thu Nov 16 19:15:28 2000

On Thu Nov 16 15:13:10 2000 Blackthorne wrote post #76:
> First of all, I think Baer just meant it as a joke and I'll take it
> as just that. Why the hell should we jumping down our throats over
> whose country has the biggest balls, the most nukes, or the least
> inbred families? I think territorial take-overs are a long dead
> practice in the Western World. Second of all, it was a joke aimed at
> the fact that the US can't elect a president. Hell, I live in the
> US, I think we might be better off without one. Anyhow, stop getting
> pissy over a joke. And 'God save the Queen'!
> -Blackthorne
Blah, I know nobody's stupid enough to use nukes and 
my response was just an extreme counter to the extreme letter. ;>
Besides, england failed to maintain control 
over us when they actually had troops here, doubt 
they could reclaim it. (They already failed once.)

I'd like to nominate myself the new leader of stereotypical 
idiotland. :)  First item on my agenda 
is the pre-emptive nuclear strike against 
Canada, whose representive Javier, desires for 
canada to be deemed scary and threatening. :)

I'm pretty sure the fallout will kill half the population in my native 
idiotland, but we'll make sure it's all the women so the 
aussies can't have them.

Pedron

-----------------

poster: Squee
subject: >>>>>>>>Open Letter Bullsh*t
date: Thu Nov 16 21:27:51 2000

Ok, Aussies are gonna take the women?
Take me too.
And, PEDRON! I am the President of Idiot Land. We'll need to hold an
election for it. Ask Baer for help on that.
As for the biggest balls, Canadians have them, otherwise they'd
freeze and fall off.
No, Ground War sucks. Bomb, bomb, bomb and bomb. You don't take over
the country, you take the cleared landscape left.
Of course us AMERICANS won the Civil War. We fought ourselves. And,
if you count that, we lost that war too now didn't we?
As for the Brits having us before and losing us, that was
in....lemme see.....1776? Great, only 214 years of practice.
That, I think, is all. Not much more to say other than that Baer's
joke was damn funny :)

-----------------

poster: Magneto
subject: >>>>>>>>>Open Letter Bullsh*t
date: Fri Nov 17 00:38:25 2000

ground war who the hell wants that.  You own the sky, then you own the ground

-----------------

poster: Zifnab
subject: Thanksgiving Plans
date: Fri Nov 17 00:48:26 2000

<< Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling
you in advance, so don't act surprised.
>
> Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:
>
> Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries.
> After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows
of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
>
> Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated
with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make.
Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them
track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.
>
> The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china,
or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone
will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the
> plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
>
> Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I
promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration
hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it
> is a turkey.
>
> We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while
you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have
made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please
> remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon
discovering that the
> turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the
children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the
children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or
that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes
dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
>
> We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the
start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method.
We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke
alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the
> spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In
a separate room. Next door.
>
> Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in
front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at
our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private
ceremony. I stress "private" meaning:
> Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not
send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an
electric knife.
> The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win.
When I do, we will eat.
>
> I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that
"passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your
sister in the head with warm tasty bread.
>
> Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and
especially
> while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy
by
> its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you
regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance.
> Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice
between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the
traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small
fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.
>

-----------------

poster: Pedron
subject: >>>>>>>>>>Open Letter Bullsh*t
date: Fri Nov 17 00:51:56 2000

On Fri Nov 17 00:38:25 2000 Magneto wrote post #79:
> ground war who the hell wants that.  You own the sky, then you own the
ground
I can see it now..  USA Campaign og 2012 against Canada, 
Canadians retreat to the North Pole and seek asylum among the elves. :)
American idiotland soldiers, unaccustomed to the extreme cold tempratures, 
seize the abandoned capital of Canada(whatever that is *duck* ;)
and die of starvation and extreme cold whether they try 
to press on, hold the capital, or retreat back to the states.

(Re:Napolean campaign of 1812 against russia. :)

The defeated commander in chief of idiotland leads his troops back to 
his homeland where a new leader of idiotland was declared in his absence.
End chapter 1. :P

Chapter 2, Canadians' teach idiotlanders a lesson by 
initiatingChristmas sanctions, er imposing them rather, 
on the idiotlanders.  As directed by santa, the elves, and the
canadians, the rest of the world 
agrees not to sell all their cool junk and toys to us in order 
that our christmas and other holidays are forever ruined.
(Yep, christmas really is about the presents, none of that happiness and 
gay holiday spirit stuff. :)

Chapter 3 Pedron does that annoying thing where he can't think of the 
end of the joke and asks you to take his word that it would've been 
funny. :)

-pedron

-----------------

poster: Adjudicator
subject: Funny signs.
date: Fri Nov 17 02:21:05 2000

www.funny-signs.com
This is the best so far. http://www.funny-signs.com/business/bus13.html

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: >>>>>>>>>>>Open Letter Bullsh*t
date: Fri Nov 17 16:40:06 2000

On Fri Nov 17 00:51:56 2000 Pedron wrote post #81:
> On Fri Nov 17 00:38:25 2000 Magneto wrote post #79:
> > ground war who the hell wants that.  You own the sky, then you own the
> ground
> I can see it now..  USA Campaign og 2012 against Canada, 
> Canadians retreat to the North Pole and seek asylum among the elves. :)
> American idiotland soldiers, unaccustomed to the extreme cold tempratures, 
> seize the abandoned capital of Canada(whatever that is *duck* ;)
> and die of starvation and extreme cold whether they try 
> to press on, hold the capital, or retreat back to the states.
> 
> (Re:Napolean campaign of 1812 against russia. :)
> 
> The defeated commander in chief of idiotland leads his troops back to 
> his homeland where a new leader of idiotland was declared in his absence.
> End chapter 1. :P
> 
> Chapter 2, Canadians' teach idiotlanders a lesson by 
> initiatingChristmas sanctions, er imposing them rather, 
> on the idiotlanders.  As directed by santa, the elves, and the
> canadians, the rest of the world 
> agrees not to sell all their cool junk and toys to us in order 
> that our christmas and other holidays are forever ruined.
> (Yep, christmas really is about the presents, none of that happiness and 
> gay holiday spirit stuff. :)
> 
> Chapter 3 Pedron does that annoying thing where he can't think of the 
> end of the joke and asks you to take his word that it would've been 
> funny. :)
> 
> -pedron
*clap clap clap*
Javi

-----------------

poster: Magneto
subject: >>>>>>>>>>>>Open Letter Bullsh*t
date: Fri Nov 17 18:26:12 2000

canada has a capitol?  Heck I wasn't sure it was a country.  I thought 
canada was indian for 'big frozen waste north of us'

-----------------

poster: Squee
subject: >>>>>>>>>>>>Open Letter Bullsh*t
date: Fri Nov 17 22:29:11 2000

It's NORTH of us?
Wow. I thought it was like, the other way......er...nevermind
And they are NOT a waste
They produce crazy canadian chicks

-----------------

poster: Blackthorne
subject: Thanksgiving
date: Sat Nov 18 14:03:45 2000

To get away from all of this open letter sh*t that seems to run
every other post for one post and 4 replies, let us focus on this
holiday of thanks and harbinger of doom for native americans. What
are we thankful for? I have my own personal list :)
1. Red Dragon so I can take out my aggressions...wait...is that a
Huge Spidranox? Aw, $#!
2. For a kind and caring girlfriend that I share this mud
with...even though, she is higher than me on the exp plaque...
3. For friends, new and old, that we enjoy ourselves during this
holiday season. "Pass the whiskey, I'm not drunk enough to like you
yet."
4. And finally for family, that I will have nothing to do with them
over the holidays :)
-Blackthorne

-----------------

poster: Golte
subject: Norwegian virus
date: Thu Nov 23 08:30:25 2000

DEAR RECEIVER,

You have just received a Norwegian virus. Since we are not so
technologically advanced in Norway, this is a MANUAL virus.
Please delete all the files on your hard disk yourself and send this
mail to everyone you know.

Thank you very much for helping me.

Ole Hacker

-----------------

poster: Zuperb
subject: >Norwegian virus
date: Thu Nov 23 20:22:10 2000

Damn, and I said to Kaos the sweeds wouldn't buy it..

-----------------

poster: Tigran
subject: >>Norwegian virus
date: Fri Nov 24 04:21:27 2000

On Thu Nov 23 20:22:10 2000 Zuperb wrote post #88:
> Damn, and I said to Kaos the sweeds wouldn't buy it..
I sent something similar to it to the people where I used to work
(all of them..small company)

The unfortunate thing is this.

a.) 2 people did it.
b.) 5 people called to warn me about the virus even though I sent it.
c.) the previous 5 and 3 others asked if it was a serious threat
d.) one person (besides me) laughed.

Talk about a flop!

-----------------

poster: Spiraldancer
subject: Wrestling Humor
date: Sun Nov 26 02:35:24 2000

If you're to be a wrestling fan in this day and age, there are a few
things you've got to know first. See, wrestling doesn't work quite
the same way as real life. The laws of physics are suspended,
general reason is suspended, and cartoon logic reigns. Ten punches
don't hurt as much as one throw, for example, whereas I bet you'd
rather I hip tossed you than punched you in the face ten times
straight, as hard as I could. Especially if I stomped while I
punched, because then it would hurt.

As a student of not only the laws of physics but also the loony laws
of wrestling physics, I feel I have a unique advantage to offer to
fans and wrestlers alike so here's Eric Benner's guide to winning at
wrestling.

Some of these tricks have already been done, though by only the
smartest of wrestlers. Now, for the first time ever, they've been
assembled in one place for you to take advantage and learn from. Use
them wisely.

The first thing you're going to want to do, I think, is go out and
get yourself a mask. Most opponents will obsess about removing your
mask whenever they've got you in some sort of vulnerable position,
and if you wear it tight enough, you'll get a breather and maybe a
second wind. Masks can also help to protect against unsightly pyro
burn.

The next thing I'd do is learn everyone's finishers. I don't see why
people waste their time - especially dupes like Chris Benoit or
Lance Storm - learning all these moves and holds. If they just
alternated between superkicks and spears and uranages (Rock Bottoms)
and figure fours and scorpion death drops, then I don't think they'd
have much trouble beating just about anyone. Having all the
finishing moves at your disposal means there will almost always be
one you can execute. Imagine every match ending in your favour,
decisively and in under thirty seconds, only you don't have be
Goldberg!

Whichever federation you want to wrestle in, be sure to work for
another one first. That way, you'll have momentum behind you when
you leave, disgruntled or lured away, to go to your first choice
federation, and people will whine and moan when you don't get the
push you 'deserve'. (I confess, I'm as guilty of that as anyone.)

Take a cue from La Parka and just carry around a chair. Why bother
leaving the ring to go get one every time you need one, when you can
just leave it in the corner and use it whenever you like.

Form a tag team with someone way worse than you, then watch the fans
rally behind you like never before, waiting and praying for your
eventual heel turn at the expense of your partner and subsequent
singles career.

When your opponent throws you against the ropes, for goodness sakes,
don't bounce off them and run back. Slide outside the ring, a la
Dean Malenko, or just stop. If you insist on pretending you can't
stop, at least follow Rey Mysterio's lead and bounce off the ropes
into some kind of crazy move.

Get to the arena on time. With the latest fad among top tier players
being to arrive an hour and a half late so they can pan for the
cameras as they walk in, you can score some major brownie points by
actually showing up before the show begins.

Don't team up with Lex Luger. He'll turn on you. Don't team up with
Triple H. He'll steal your heat. Don't team with Steve Blackman -
that's just not good for business.

Pick a title you'd like to own. Challenge its current holder. Make
it a ladder match. Take advantage of just about every wrestler's
inability to climb ladders at even normal speed and win quickly.
Then only defend your title in ladder matches. You'll be set for
life. Note: this only works if you, yourself are not a victim of SLC
disease (slow ladder climbing).

If you're going to showboat, don't do it on the top rope while your
opponent is briefly winded. Come on, that's just common sense.

If you're a face, get a manager. They'll be responsible for all of
your wins. If you're a face, and you get a manager, you're just
begging to have him or her turn on you at a crucial time, probably
costing you a title.

Don't challenge people to retirement matches. If you lose, you've
got to retire, and no matter how much you hate your opponent, you
may still lose.

If you must challenge your opponent to a retirement match, make the
stipulation that if they lose, they must retire. Don't even mention
the possibility of your own loss. For some reason, wrestlers are
poor gamblers and don't seem to mind one-sided bets.

If you still challenge someone to a two-way retirement match and
lose, just ignore the stipulation. I don't think it holds up in
court or something, because only about two people in the wrestling
business have actually retired in the past decade at all, let alone
because of a match.

Efficiently move to pin any opponent you've just slammed to the
ground - they'll be expecting some sort of stupid follow-up move or
some showing off. You'll take them by surprise and probably win a
few matches that way.

Try to be nice to everyone. Just wrestle a clean match each week
against a random opponent. That way, you can avoid feuds of all
kinds and have a safe, happy wrestling career.

The best weapons to use in hardcore matches tend to be those things
which are flat, have little or no mass, are hollow, are overly large
and unwieldy, and make some sort of smacking sound when coming into
contact with human skin. Avoid these and just bring a hockey stick
or something.

Wrestlers seem to have a high success rate of avoiding prosecution
for even the most heinous crimes. At worst, they spend a night in
jail or are removed from an arena. Take advantage of this and steal
large sums of money during Raw or Nitro. Just be sure to have a
television cameraman follow you, and to be arrested by fake police.

If it's fake anyway, just pay off officials to award you the
matches. Call them 'screwjobs' and no one will know the difference.

Since there's no disqualification in hardcore matches and people can
interfere freely, form a large team and beat down one guy for the
hardcore title. Avoid the pretense and defend the title as a group.
If you think about it, it's really the gang warfare title.

Well, that's it. Twenty keys to a successful wrestling career.
Money, titles, a really big winning streak and all these can be
yours!

-----------------

poster: Rydia
subject: the war thing i just read
date: Sun Nov 26 17:49:44 2000

i was reading one of the earlier posts about the wars america won,
including the revolutionary war and "our own civil war".. umm, just
exactly how do you win a civil war.. i mean, your fighting
yourself.. we woulda won that no matter what

-----------------

poster: Rydia
subject: that war thing i just read
date: Sun Nov 26 17:50:59 2000

oh sorry bout that.. squee alread said that.. i just didnt go
forward enough letters

-----------------

poster: Quillz
subject: >the war thing i just read
date: Mon Nov 27 08:52:44 2000

On Sun Nov 26 17:49:44 2000 Rydia wrote post #91:
> i was reading one of the earlier posts about the wars america won,
> including the revolutionary war and "our own civil war".. umm, just
> exactly how do you win a civil war.. i mean, your fighting
> yourself.. we woulda won that no matter what
the same way we won the revolutionary war...ppl wanted 2 separate
countries, so they fought over it. 

-----------------

poster: Blackthorne
subject: >Wrestling Humor
date: Mon Nov 27 19:45:54 2000

There are a lot of good ideas in Spiraldancer's post, but there are
a few that were missed. Some are timeless classics of money-making
and some are just for personal entertainment.

Five more steps to acheive fame and fortune.

1. Use the words "jabroni", "slapnuts", or "roody poo candy ass" in
your taunting. It will confuse your opponent and propel fans to
start using your terms in normal conversation, thus making you an
icon. Use your icon status to get fans to buy shoddy merchandise
that you (somewhat) endorse.

2. Make sure your intro music is played very loud and cannot be
discerned, this will make fans buy the wrestling album that is
released when you get new intro music. Repeat for a good cash flow.

3. Never get associated with Hulk Hogan, that is a sure sign that
your career will go nowhere. (Really, who cares about WCW?)

4. Remember a leg drop and a suplex don't go as far nowadays, add a
little twist to make it your "finishing manuever", like a nutshot or
an eyerake (that's a standard now).

5. Get a big-breasted manager, it always helps give you a push.

-----------------

poster: Ant
subject: 5 stages...
date: Tue Nov 28 00:45:08 2000

5 stages of drunkenness...

Stage 1 
SMART: This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject
in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on
your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always
RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This
makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2
GOOD LOOKING: This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING
person in the entire bar and that every attractive female fancies you. You
can go up to a perfect stranger KNOWING that they fancy you and really
want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can
talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 
RICH: This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the
world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored
truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this
stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all
your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will
also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST
LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 
BULLET PROOF: You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and
everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This
is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the
partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or
money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you
are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 
INVISIBLE: This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.  At this point
you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to
impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the
room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to 
fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your
lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART
you know all the words.


- Ant has experienced the first 2 of these personally...


-----------------

poster: Squee
subject: >5 Stages...
date: Tue Nov 28 00:52:07 2000

How is this at all different from being a Teenager?

-----------------

poster: Tesabner
subject: Blonde joke.
date: Tue Nov 28 00:52:59 2000

This blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have
to;get an urgent message to my mother in Europe."
The clerk says, "It will be $100."
She replies, "But I don't have any money... and I *must* get a
message;to;her, it's urgent!... I'll do anything to get a message to
her."
The clerk replies, "Anything?"
"Yes... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde.
He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to
kneel in front of him.
"Unzip me..." She does.
"Take it out... go ahead." She does this as well.
She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says, "Well...
go;ahead... do it..."
She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?... Mom?"

-----------------

poster: Kazulanth
subject: >>the war thing i just read
date: Wed Nov 29 03:02:53 2000

On Mon Nov 27 08:52:44 2000 Quillz wrote post #93:
> On Sun Nov 26 17:49:44 2000 Rydia wrote post #91:
> > i was reading one of the earlier posts about the wars america won,
> > including the revolutionary war and "our own civil war".. umm, just
> > exactly how do you win a civil war.. i mean, your fighting
> > yourself.. we woulda won that no matter what
> the same way we won the revolutionary war...ppl wanted 2 separate
> countries, so they fought over it. 

In the revolutionary war it was the US (well the precursor to the
US) against England, in the civil war it was one part of the US
against the other part.. would you say that the north won and the
south lost? or that the whole country won a war against itself?

-----------------

poster: Blackthorne
subject: >>>the war thing i just read
date: Wed Nov 29 03:05:34 2000

You would say that the north won, would be ridiculous the other way.

-----------------

poster: Squee
subject: >>>>the war thing i just read
date: Wed Nov 29 03:06:55 2000

Bah. If there's a large loss in the total economy and manpower,
along with morale of the total country. We all lost. Now
shh....(stupid Unionist bastard)

-----------------

poster: Blackthorne
subject: >>>>>the war thing i just read
date: Wed Nov 29 03:10:10 2000

It was a moral fight as well and the friggin' south were a bunch of
whiny bitches...We didn't lose, many people gained some rights...or
have we forgotten 8th grade history?

-----------------

poster: Kazulanth
subject: >>>>>>the war thing i just read
date: Wed Nov 29 03:11:07 2000

On Wed Nov 29 03:10:10 2000 Blackthorne wrote post #101:
> It was a moral fight as well and the friggin' south were a bunch of
> whiny bitches...We didn't lose, many people gained some rights...or
> have we forgotten 8th grade history?
Squee's class might not have covered that section yet

-----------------

poster: Squee
subject: >>>>>>>>the war thing i just read
date: Wed Nov 29 03:11:58 2000

Bah. I hate it when she's right!
But, we're getting there, and she had the same teacher =P (he's cool)

-----------------

poster: Kazulanth
subject: >>>>>>>>>the war thing i just read
date: Wed Nov 29 03:24:10 2000

On Wed Nov 29 03:11:58 2000 Squee wrote post #103:
> Bah. I hate it when she's right!
> But, we're getting there, and she had the same teacher =P (he's cool)

Gotta love it when children's learning is guided by a man with a
penchant for standing on his desk and waving sticks around.


-----------------

poster: Squee
subject: >>>>>>>>the war thing i just read
date: Wed Nov 29 03:25:31 2000

Mr. Green kicks ass ;)

-----------------

poster: Tranquil
subject: >>>>>>>>>the war thing i just read
date: Wed Nov 29 14:20:08 2000

On Wed Nov 29 03:25:31 2000 Squee wrote post #105:
> Mr. Green kicks ass ;)
I believe this newsgroup is for jokes. Would you kindly keep the
postings to postings -about- jokes instead of postings posted -by-
jokes? No-one who isn't from yankeeland gives a rats ass for who won
any civil/revolutionary/lets-pull-our-puds war that you had 200
years ago. For the love of god, give it a rest.

-----------------

poster: Tranquil
subject: On that note.....
date: Wed Nov 29 14:21:41 2000

Something I heard today which I thought was kinda funny:

If horse racing is supposed to be the sport of kings,
does that make drag racing the sport of queens?

- Tranquil, the blatant subject-changer.


-----------------

poster: Magneto
subject: >>>the war thing i just read
date: Wed Nov 29 17:56:54 2000

On Wed Nov 29 03:02:53 2000 Kazulanth wrote post #98:
> On Mon Nov 27 08:52:44 2000 Quillz wrote post #93:
> > On Sun Nov 26 17:49:44 2000 Rydia wrote post #91:
> > > i was reading one of the earlier posts about the wars america won,
> > > including the revolutionary war and "our own civil war".. umm, just
> > > exactly how do you win a civil war.. i mean, your fighting
> > > yourself.. we woulda won that no matter what
> > the same way we won the revolutionary war...ppl wanted 2 separate
> > countries, so they fought over it. 
> 
> In the revolutionary war it was the US (well the precursor to the
> US) against England, in the civil war it was one part of the US
> against the other part.. would you say that the north won and the
> south lost? or that the whole country won a war against itself?
It is all semantics.  You could say that we lost 1/2 when the south seceded
then regained it.  

-----------------

poster: Energystar
subject: mmm
date: Thu Nov 30 21:58:39 2000

A bus stops and two obviously Italian men get on. They seat
themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting
behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention
is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: 



"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come
again. Two asses, they come together again. I pee twice. Then I come
once more." 



"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" 



"Hey, cool down lady," said the man. "I was only tellin' my friend
here how to spell Mississippi." 

-----------------

poster: Abnoba
subject: Something for you men to think about :)
date: Fri Dec  1 03:58:36 2000

http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/uk/wales/newsid_1048000/1048327.stm

-----------------

poster: Blackthorne
subject: How you know that you're sleepy when mudding.
date: Fri Dec  1 13:20:58 2000

1. All monsters are a lot less powerful, the trips to hell are minor
setbacks...it just got lucky.
2. You can't tell Baer from a bear and it doesn't bother you.
3. Obscene is the only channel you use religiously.
4. All women are fair game, no matter if they are men behind the screen.
5. You feel drunk, yet strangely unsatisfied.
6. You repeat things.
7. You repeat things.
8. When you idle, you're just resting your eyes for 5 hours or so.
9. You repeat things.
10. You post things like this.

-----------------

poster: Quillz
subject: >How you know that you're sleepy when mudding.
date: Fri Dec  1 18:01:42 2000

On Fri Dec  1 13:20:58 2000 Blackthorne wrote post #111:
> 1. All monsters are a lot less powerful, the trips to hell are minor
> setbacks...it just got lucky.
> 2. You can't tell Baer from a bear and it doesn't bother you.
> 3. Obscene is the only channel you use religiously.
> 4. All women are fair game, no matter if they are men behind the screen.
> 5. You feel drunk, yet strangely unsatisfied.
> 6. You repeat things.
> 7. You repeat things.
> 8. When you idle, you're just resting your eyes for 5 hours or so.
> 9. You repeat things.
> 10. You post things like this.
rofl. 
been there, done that.
Q grumbles something about trying to talk to an animists bear when he's tired.

-----------------

poster: Kazulanth
subject: bubble wrap ?
date: Sun Dec  3 01:41:15 2000

cast prayer for mankind
www.bubblebodywear.com

Whodathunkit

-----------------

poster: Golte
subject: internet songs
date: Sun Dec  3 12:12:34 2000

All hackers should go and check out this bunch of lyrichs. 
http://www.netspace.org/~dmacks/internet-songbook/

-----------------

poster: Ada
subject: santa.
date: Mon Dec  4 02:18:14 2000

It's December now :)

SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer's Perspective
I.    There are approximately two billion children (persons under
18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of
Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, his reduces the
workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million
(according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average
(census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108
million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in
each.
II.   Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to
the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he
travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7
visits per second.  This is to say that for each Christian household
with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the
sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings,
distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever
snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into
the sleigh and get on to the next house.  Assuming that each of
these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth
(which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the
purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles
per household
a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or
breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second
--- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the
fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky
27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best)
15 miles per hour.
III.  The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. 
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego
set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not
counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no
more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could
pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight
or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them. This
increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh,
another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen
Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous
air resistance this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion
as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.  The lead pair
of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per
second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost
instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating
deafening sonic booms in their wake.  The entire reindeer team would
be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the
time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.  Not that it
matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a
dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to
centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's.  A 250 pound Santa (which seems
ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by
4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs
and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: If Santa Was Honest....
date: Mon Dec  4 05:08:09 2000

Sorry  about the >>>>>> thingies but I can't seem to get rid of
them...that's a lie, I just too lazy...enjoy

> >>>>>>>>>>If Santa answered his mail honestly...
> >>>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>>>Dear Santa
> >>>>>>>>>>I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a
> >>>>>>>>>>gud boy all yeer.
> >>>>>>>>>>Yer Frend,
> >>>>>>>>>>BiLLy
> >>>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>>>Dear Billy,
> >>>>>>>>>>Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn
> >>>>>>>>>>care. How
> >>>>>>>>>>about
> >>>>>>>>>>I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and
> >>>>>>>>>>write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger.
> >>>>>>>>>>At least HE can spell!
> >>>>>>>>>>Santa
> >>>>>>>>>>----------
> >>>>>>>>>>Dear Santa,
> >>>>>>>>>>I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I
> >>>>>>>>>>ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
> >>>>>>>>>>Love,
> >>>>>>>>>>Sarah
> >>>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>>>Dear Sarah,
> >>>>>>>>>>Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't
> >>>>>>>>>>they?
> >>>>>>>>>>Santa
> >>>>>>>>>>----------
> >>>>>>>>>>Dear Santa,
> >>>>>>>>>>I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
> >>>>>>>>>>I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.
> >>>>>>>>>>Please see what you can do.
> >>>>>>>>>>Love,
> >>>>>>>>>>Teddy
> >>>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>>>Dear Teddy,
> >>>>>>>>>>Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen
> >>>>>>>>>>door in a
> >>>>>>>>>>hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to
> >>>>>>>>>>come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass
> >>>>>>>>>>constantly? It's time to give up that dream.
> >>>>>>>>>>Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
> >>>>>>>>>>Santa
> >>>>>>>>>>----------
> >>>>>>>>>>Dear Santa,
> >>>>>>>>>>I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I.
> >>>>>>>>>>Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
> >>>>>>>>>>Love,
> >>>>>>>>>>Francis
> >>>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>>>Dear Francis,
> >>>>>>>>>>Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're
> >>>>>>>>>>gay.
> >>>>>>>>>>Santa
> >>>>>>>>>>----------
> >>>>>>>>>>Dear Santa,
> >>>>>>>>>>I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I
> >>>>>>>>>>left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
> >>>>>>>>>>Love,
> >>>>>>>>>>Susan
> >>>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>>>Dear Susan,
> >>>>>>>>>>Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart
> >>>>>>>>>>in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do
> >>>>>>>>>>me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
> >>>>>>>>>>Santa
> >>>>>>>>>>----------
> >>>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>>>Dear Santa,
> >>>>>>>>>>What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you
> >>>>>>>>>>busy making toys?
> >>>>>>>>>>Your friend,
> >>>>>>>>>>Thomas
> >>>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>>>Dear Thomas,
> >>>>>>>>>>All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in
> >>>>>>>>>>Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget
> >>>>>>>>>>porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and
> >>>>>>>>>>squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while
> >>>>>>>>>>losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to
> >>>>>>>>>>know.
> >>>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>>>Santa
> >>>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>>>----------
> >>>>>>>>>>Dear Santa,
> >>>>>>>>>>Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know
> >>>>>>>>>>when we're awake, like in the song?
> >>>>>>>>>>Love,
> >>>>>>>>>>Jessica
> >>>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>>>Dear Jessica,
> >>>>>>>>>>Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever
> >>>>>>>>>>you do. I'm skipping your house.
> >>>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>>>Santa
> >>>>>>>>>>----------
> >>>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>>>Dear Santa,
> >>>>>>>>>>I really really want a puppy this year. Please please
> >>>>>>>>>>please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
> >>>>>>>>>>Timmy
> >>>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>>>Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your
> >>>>>>>>>>folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're
> >>>>>>>>>>getting a sweater again.
> >>>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>>>Santa
> >>>>>>>>>>----------
> >>>>>>>>>>Dearest Santa,
> >>>>>>>>>>We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get
> >>>>>>>>>>into our home?
> >>>>>>>>>>Love,
> >>>>>>>>>>Marky
> >>>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>>>Mark,
> >>>>>>>>>>First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why
> >>>>>>>>>>you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you
> >>>>>>>>>>don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent
> >>>>>>>>>>apartment complex. Third, I get inside your
> >>>>>>>>>>pad just like all the burglars do, through your
> >>>>>>>>>>bedroom window.
> >>>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>>>Sweet Dreams,
> >>>>>>>>>>Santa

-----------------

poster: Bajumbo
subject: >santa.
date: Mon Dec  4 11:48:21 2000

On Mon Dec  4 02:18:14 2000 Ada wrote post #115:
> It's December now :)
> 
> SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer's Perspective
> I.    There are approximately two billion children (persons under
> 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of
> Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, his reduces the
> workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million
> (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average
> (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108
> million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in
> each.
> II.   Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to
> the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he
> travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7
> visits per second.  This is to say that for each Christian household
> with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the
> sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings,
> distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever
> snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into
> the sleigh and get on to the next house.  Assuming that each of
> these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth
> (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the
> purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles
> per household
> a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or
> breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second
> --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the
> fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky
> 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best)
> 15 miles per hour.
> III.  The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. 
> Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego
> set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not
> counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no
> more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could
> pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight
> or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them. This
> increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh,
> another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen
> Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
> IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous
> air resistance this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion
> as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.  The lead pair
> of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per
> second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost
> instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating
> deafening sonic booms in their wake.  The entire reindeer team would
> be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the
> time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.  Not that it
> matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a
> dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to
> centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's.  A 250 pound Santa (which seems
> ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by
> 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs
> and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
> Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now


Bajumbo Rolls his eyes as Santa the goo passes by...
Wheeeee!!!!


-----------------

poster: Bajumbo
subject: >If Santa Was Honest....
date: Mon Dec  4 11:55:16 2000

On Mon Dec  4 05:08:09 2000 Javier wrote post #116:
> Sorry  about the >>>>>> thingies but I can't seem to get rid of
> them...that's a lie, I just too lazy...enjoy
> 
> > >>>>>>>>>>If Santa answered his mail honestly...
> > >>>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>>Dear Santa
> > >>>>>>>>>>I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a
> > >>>>>>>>>>gud boy all yeer.
> > >>>>>>>>>>Yer Frend,
> > >>>>>>>>>>BiLLy
> > >>>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>>Dear Billy,
> > >>>>>>>>>>Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn
> > >>>>>>>>>>care. How
> > >>>>>>>>>>about
> > >>>>>>>>>>I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and
> > >>>>>>>>>>write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger.
> > >>>>>>>>>>At least HE can spell!
> > >>>>>>>>>>Santa
> > >>>>>>>>>>----------
> > >>>>>>>>>>Dear Santa,
> > >>>>>>>>>>I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I
> > >>>>>>>>>>ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
> > >>>>>>>>>>Love,
> > >>>>>>>>>>Sarah
> > >>>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>>Dear Sarah,
> > >>>>>>>>>>Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't
> > >>>>>>>>>>they?
> > >>>>>>>>>>Santa
> > >>>>>>>>>>----------
> > >>>>>>>>>>Dear Santa,
> > >>>>>>>>>>I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
> > >>>>>>>>>>I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.
> > >>>>>>>>>>Please see what you can do.
> > >>>>>>>>>>Love,
> > >>>>>>>>>>Teddy
> > >>>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>>Dear Teddy,
> > >>>>>>>>>>Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen
> > >>>>>>>>>>door in a
> > >>>>>>>>>>hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to
> > >>>>>>>>>>come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass
> > >>>>>>>>>>constantly? It's time to give up that dream.
> > >>>>>>>>>>Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
> > >>>>>>>>>>Santa
> > >>>>>>>>>>----------
> > >>>>>>>>>>Dear Santa,
> > >>>>>>>>>>I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I.
> > >>>>>>>>>>Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
> > >>>>>>>>>>Love,
> > >>>>>>>>>>Francis
> > >>>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>>Dear Francis,
> > >>>>>>>>>>Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're
> > >>>>>>>>>>gay.
> > >>>>>>>>>>Santa
> > >>>>>>>>>>----------
> > >>>>>>>>>>Dear Santa,
> > >>>>>>>>>>I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I
> > >>>>>>>>>>left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
> > >>>>>>>>>>Love,
> > >>>>>>>>>>Susan
> > >>>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>>Dear Susan,
> > >>>>>>>>>>Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart
> > >>>>>>>>>>in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do
> > >>>>>>>>>>me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
> > >>>>>>>>>>Santa
> > >>>>>>>>>>----------
> > >>>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>>Dear Santa,
> > >>>>>>>>>>What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you
> > >>>>>>>>>>busy making toys?
> > >>>>>>>>>>Your friend,
> > >>>>>>>>>>Thomas
> > >>>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>>Dear Thomas,
> > >>>>>>>>>>All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in
> > >>>>>>>>>>Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget
> > >>>>>>>>>>porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and
> > >>>>>>>>>>squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while
> > >>>>>>>>>>losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to
> > >>>>>>>>>>know.
> > >>>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>>Santa
> > >>>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>>----------
> > >>>>>>>>>>Dear Santa,
> > >>>>>>>>>>Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know
> > >>>>>>>>>>when we're awake, like in the song?
> > >>>>>>>>>>Love,
> > >>>>>>>>>>Jessica
> > >>>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>>Dear Jessica,
> > >>>>>>>>>>Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever
> > >>>>>>>>>>you do. I'm skipping your house.
> > >>>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>>Santa
> > >>>>>>>>>>----------
> > >>>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>>Dear Santa,
> > >>>>>>>>>>I really really want a puppy this year. Please please
> > >>>>>>>>>>please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
> > >>>>>>>>>>Timmy
> > >>>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>>Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your
> > >>>>>>>>>>folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're
> > >>>>>>>>>>getting a sweater again.
> > >>>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>>Santa
> > >>>>>>>>>>----------
> > >>>>>>>>>>Dearest Santa,
> > >>>>>>>>>>We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get
> > >>>>>>>>>>into our home?
> > >>>>>>>>>>Love,
> > >>>>>>>>>>Marky
> > >>>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>>Mark,
> > >>>>>>>>>>First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why
> > >>>>>>>>>>you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you
> > >>>>>>>>>>don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent
> > >>>>>>>>>>apartment complex. Third, I get inside your
> > >>>>>>>>>>pad just like all the burglars do, through your
> > >>>>>>>>>>bedroom window.
> > >>>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>>Sweet Dreams,
> > >>>>>>>>>>Santa
Dear Santa,

     How do you fit Mark's window? Are you that thin?  If so why are
you putting up those ads that you are fatter than a bear or
something?  Bet you don't want those bad girls to write you asking
for a date with you huh???


Bajumbo the wondering kid next to Marky's apartment...

-----------------

poster: Blackthorne
subject: No sleep and Santa...
date: Mon Dec  4 13:37:59 2000

Wanted to cover two subjects in one post :)

5 more signs you are still sleepy when mudding:

1. Emotes produced from using random and people's names (or penis,
if your tastes run that way) provide more pleasure than anything
else.
2. You finally realize that Lu Loo means Lu bathroom.
3. You start asking Baer if he mispelled his name with no faer of
consequences.
4. You didn't catch the extra joke in 3.
5. Something involving tequila and no underwear...but you can never remember.

On to Santa...
Kids, Santa is Satan in disguise. Just rearrange a few letters in
Santa's name and you get Satan, why do you think he wears red? He
offers presents to good boys and girls (i.e. virgins) and visits
while you are asleep, what makes you think he wouldn't be
touchy-feely if he lives with an old frigid woman in the North Pole.
Why does he live in the North Pole? Is it a hint at his latent
homosexuality? Nah, Santa is bi. Santa illegally enters homes,
what's to stop him from making off with your tv? It's not like
you're going to stick your head up the chimney to go after him...and
the cops wouldn't buy your story.
So remember sleep with a chastity belt on and nail down everything
that you own...and Merry Christmas.
-B

-----------------

poster: Magneto
subject: quickie
date: Mon Dec  4 20:56:50 2000

know why santa is so jolly?




cuz he has a list of where all the naughty girls live

-----------------

poster: Blackthorne
subject: Ever wanted to get rid of an unwanted someone?
date: Fri Dec  8 01:55:54 2000

http://www.ninja4hire.com

-B

-----------------

poster: Zifnab
subject: cheaties
date: Fri Dec  8 19:21:27 2000

http://www.newsmax.com/showinsidecover.shtml?a=2000/12/8/114437

-----------------

poster: Blackthorne
subject: This just in...
date: Sat Dec  9 12:44:00 2000

George Bush will start executing a prisoner every hour until he is president.

-B, who heard that little snippet on tv, so don't blame him.

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Trailer
date: Mon Dec 11 04:04:12 2000

What does a Hurricane in Florida, a Tornado in Arkansas and a
Divorce in Montrosia all have in common?

Somebody's gonna lose a trailer. 

-----------------

poster: Snoop
subject: moo
date: Tue Dec 12 21:14:44 2000

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled 
out a cigar but  he didn't have a lighter so 
he asked his friend if he had one. 
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his 
golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch BIC lighter. 
"WOW!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster?" 
"I got it from my genie" said the other. 
"You have a genie," he asked?
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."  
He opens his golf bag  and out pops the genie. 
The friend says, 
"I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" 
"Yes, I will," the genie said so he asks him
for a million bucks and the genie hops back into
the golf bags and leaves him standing there 
waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the 
sky begins to darken and the sound of a 
million ducks flying overhead is heard. 
The friend tells his golfing partner, 
"I asked for a million bucks not ducks!" 
"He's hard of hearing. Do you really think I 
asked for a 12 inch BIC? 

-----------------

poster: Baer
subject: beer
date: Wed Dec 13 01:00:15 2000

Yesterday scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering
the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of
female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer
consumption.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test
the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one-hour
period. 

It was observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked
excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't
drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit
down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to
apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned ..


-----------------

poster: Blackthorne
subject: Further signs that you're sleepy while mudding.
date: Thu Dec 14 09:22:53 2000

These were thought up after I had a boring night at work.

1) Ideas like banks on every island sound good to your tired fingers.
2) You post ideas about delivery food, you can't wait to command
'dtaco', 'dpizza', and the ever-popular 'droadkill'.
3) You command everything that you would ever use, your favorite
tends to be 'turdling' which brings up the emote "You hold up one
finger and say be right back (freeing some turdlings)."
4) When your head hurts, so you chase 10 aspirin with Jack Daniels,
Vodka, or whatever messes you up best.
5) Midbie eq and whoever won the US election is not as important as
your last gold run of the night.

-B, ever tired but always makes time for mudding.

-----------------

poster: Kazulanth
subject: the yippee center of our brains
date: Fri Dec 15 03:21:08 2000

   Scientists at Vanderbilt University in Memphis, Tenn., say they've
located the part of the brain that sends the "oops message" to let us
know when we're making a mistake.
   A team lead by Dr. Jeffrey D. Schall used macaque monkeys to study a
part of the brain that tracks eye movements. In an interview with UPI,
Schall said his team's experiments suggest that the "control center"
for the brain is related to the part that controls eye movements.
   Writing in the journal Nature, Schall and his colleagues implanted
electrodes in the monkeys' brains and put them in front of a computer
screen on which a spot was projected. The monkeys were rewarded when
they correctly tracked the moving spot with their eyes.
   At the same time, the scientists tracked electrical impulses that
were fired from individual messenger cells called neurons. When the
neurons fired, Schall could identify the part of the brain that was
activated.
   Schall said they discovered that when the monkey failed to follow
the spot, "part of the brain would fire and another part would fire
when the monkey tracked the spot correctly." He calls the neurons that
were activated by error the "oops center" while the part of the brain
that recognized a "correct eye movement is the yippee center."


-----------------

poster: Blackthorne
subject: >the yippee center of our brains
date: Fri Dec 15 08:51:44 2000

Mmmm...monkeys...
-B

-----------------

poster: Kazulanth
subject: Dear bank,
date: Fri Dec 15 23:43:06 2000

Banking Letter
This is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The Bank
thought it amusing enough to publish in The New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds
must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in
my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I
admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my
account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to
your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the
path of fiscal righteousness.  No more will our relationship be blighted
by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in
1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your
very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be
excited and proud to hear it.  To this end, please be advised about the
following changes.
I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls
and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the
impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank
has become.  From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh
and blood person.  My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and
hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by
check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your
branch, whom you must nominate.  You will be aware that it is an offense
under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and
that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income,
debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in all dealings with me.  I regret that it cannot be shorter
than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button
presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank
service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.  Let me level
the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone
system which, you will notice, is very much like yours.  My Authorized
Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any
dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated
voice.
Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; (extension
in living room to be communicated at the time the call is received).
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. (Extension
in bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received.)
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
(Extension in toilet to be communicated at the time the call is
received.)
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to
access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later
date to the contact.
8. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through
9.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put
on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration.  This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best
of Woody Guthrie:"  Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at
every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners
sweated for. After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will
probably know it by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay
your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me.  This I
will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated
contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty
for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new phone
service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for
free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to
the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I
wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

--kaz

-----------------

poster: Jomo
subject: This says it all
date: Sat Dec 16 02:33:57 2000

http://www.dribbleglass.com/subpages/billboards23b.htm

-----------------

poster: Trigon
subject: Christmas Sayings
date: Wed Dec 20 23:06:50 2000

The Top 10 Christmas phrases that sound dirty but
aren't:

10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
8. Check out Rudolph's honker!
7. Santa's sack is really bulging.
6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
Trigon the easily amused.

-----------------

poster: Ant
subject: Something to think about
date: Fri Dec 22 23:16:56 2000

Is it because light travels faster than sound why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak?

It's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold
tomorrow. How cold will it be?

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is
dead?

Why do banks charge you an "insufficient funds" fee on money they already
know you don't have?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of the Interior when they are in charge
of everything outdoors?

- Ant


-----------------

poster: Kazulanth
subject: Interesting Facts
date: Sat Dec 23 21:17:09 2000

Interesting Facts
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)
(How'd they figure this out, and why?)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still can't get over that pig thing)
(Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
(And pigs get 30-minute orgasms?  Doesn't seem fair)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people do.
(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did taxpayers pay for this research??)
Polar bears are left handed.
(Who knew....?  Who cares?  How'd they find out, did they ask them?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length.  It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??  And why pigs?)
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to
death.
(Creepy)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body.  The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home.  What the....)
(Well, at least pigs get a break there...)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig ...  quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Oh, Geez)  (That's almost as bad as catfish)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
After reading all these, all I can say is............. Lucky Pigs...


-----------------

poster: Silver
subject: Denim
date: Sat Dec 23 22:14:53 2000

I'd just like to thank Denim for being such a fantastic guy, he's
been really great to me and all my newbie pals . . . Nah!  Only
kidding guys, I'm still sane!

-----------------

poster: Ant
subject: A second chance...
date: Tue Dec 26 17:26:22 2000

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and
appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You
seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance
rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend
and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up
rugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." 

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first
one, "How did you do over the weekend?" 

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." 

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" 

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them the
big circle is your brain before drugs and the small
circle is your brain after drugs." 

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" the
judge said to the second boy.

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." 

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" 

"Well, I used a similar approach. I also used two circles. I pointed
to the small circle and said, 'This is your asshole
before prison...' " 

- .


-----------------

poster: Kazulanth
subject: The Perfect Story
date: Sun Dec 31 09:53:09 2000

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman.  After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding.  Their life together was, of
course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a
winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.  Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the
driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus
had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the only survivor?


























Everyone knows there is no such thing as Santa Claus... or a perfect man.



-----------------

poster: Silver
subject: >> The Perfect Story
date: Sun Dec 31 14:51:16 2000

I've heard something like this before, but I apologise to the
opposite sex if this ain't right.  Only the man survived, because he
was the only one in the car.  No such thing as Santa, and no such
thing as a perfect woman! :)

-----------------

poster: Jaguar
subject: >The Perfect Story
date: Sun Dec 31 15:40:17 2000

Aah, that would mean the woman was driving.. no wonder they crashed :)

-----------------

poster: Mixer
subject: >>> The Perfect Story
date: Mon Jan  1 08:18:05 2001

Nono, the joke goes... Only the perfect woman survived because
there is no such thing as Santa Claus, and there is no such thing
as a perfect man.

The upshot of this however is that the perfect woman MUST have
been driving, and cause the accident all on her own!

-----------------

poster: Apathy
subject: >>>> The Perfect Story
date: Tue Jan  2 05:31:44 2001

On Mon Jan  1 08:18:05 2001 Mixer wrote post #141:
> Nono, the joke goes... Only the perfect woman survived because
> there is no such thing as Santa Claus, and there is no such thing
> as a perfect man.
> 
> The upshot of this however is that the perfect woman MUST have
> been driving, and cause the accident all on her own!

How could she cause an accident if she's perfect?

-----------------

poster: Dagger
subject: Follow Instructions
date: Tue Jan  2 16:56:13 2001

Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still
feel miserable.

Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I
gave you?

Patient: I sure did. The bottle said, "keep tightly closed."

-----------------

poster: Tigran
subject: 2000 Darwin Awards
date: Tue Jan  2 19:29:31 2001

Hot off the press! The 2000-2001 Darwin Awards Are Here!!

The latest Darwin Awards update....

The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who
contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the
gene pool before they have a chance to breed.

1. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into
the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his
house down, killing both him and his sister.

 2. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of
suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and weighed
225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white
saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a
schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had
the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The
other end of the hose was connected to a one end of a hollow wooden tube
approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into
his rear end for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation.
Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his
family very awkward.

3. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when
another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants
of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They
were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

4. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details
before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not
breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch,
naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to
start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance
arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the
hospital - the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed
that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch
over, they discovered what caused his death. Apparently the man had a habit
of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between
two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons).
According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of
the sanders, electrocuting him.

5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near
Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and
killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have
qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the
driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had
started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press
the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.

6. A 22-year-old Reston, VA man was found dead after he tried to use octopus
straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police
said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps
together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the
trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia
Was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he
had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the
ground", Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major
trauma".

7. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.  The
friend - no doubt, a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalised.

8. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of

a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all
potential sources of ignition lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the Gas Company
were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty
navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked (you
can see what's coming, can't you?). Witnesses later described the sight of
one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object
that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like
object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three
miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was
virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing
the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.


-----------------

poster: Apathy
subject: >2000 Darwin Awards
date: Wed Jan  3 01:11:08 2001

Hrm, I'm pretty sure I've seen the #2 award in a previous year...

-----------------

poster: Apathy
subject: Another prediction come true...
date: Wed Jan  3 01:23:49 2001

In 1555, Nostradamus wrote:
'Come the millennium, month 12,
In the home of greatest power,
The village idiot will come forth
To be acclaimed the leader'

-----------------

poster: Snoop
subject: moo
date: Thu Jan  4 20:07:20 2001

A man died and went to hell.
The devil noticed him and walked
up to him and asked him why he
looked so sad.
-I have died and gone to hell, 
what the fuck do you think, said the man.
-But hell isn't that bad, said the devil, do
you like to drink?
-Oooh, i love to drink!
-Then you will love mondays, then we just
drink all day until we throw up our entrails
and you don't have to worry about your liver
or gettin hungover since you're dead.
-Yeah, that's true.
-Do you like to smoke?
-Yeah, i like to smoke.
-Then you will love tuesdays, then we just
smoke all day until we cough up our entrails
and you don't have to worry about lungcancer since
you're allrdy dead.
-Yeah, that's true.
-Do you like to eat?
-Yes, i love to eat.
-Well then you will just love wednesdays, then we
just eat all day until we shit our entrails out
and you don't have to worry about getting fat 
since you're allrdy dead.
-This is just getting better and better...
-Are you gay?
-Most sertainly not! I'm very much straight.
-Ouch...guess you won't like thursdays very much then...


-----------------

poster: Warchief
subject: Cell Phone
date: Fri Jan  5 03:29:03 2001

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private
club. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the
men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?" 
Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?
Yes.
Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a
beautiful mink coat. It's Only $1,500! Can I buy it?
Well, OK, go ahead and get it if you like.
Thanks Sweetie. I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw
the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the
salesman, and he gave me a really good price... and since we need to
exchange the BMW that we bought last year...
What price did he quote you?
Only $60,000 ... 
OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
"Great! But before we hang up, something else... It might sound like
a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the
real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at
last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English
Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property." 
"How much are they asking?" 
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have enough
in the bank to cover the down payment." 
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?" 
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later! I love you!" 
"Bye. I love you too." 

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand and calls out: 

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


-Chief

-----------------

poster: Warchief
subject: Radio
date: Fri Jan  5 03:32:41 2001

Ma and pa jones are a-settin in the livinroom listenin to the local
preacher on their radio. The preacher says he can heal any illness
if they will just put their hand on the appropriate body part and
press their other hand on the radio. Mrs. Jones places her left hand
on her poor ole painful arthritic hip, and hobbles over to place her
right hand on the radio. Mr. Jones then puts his right hand on the
radio and his left hand on his... Fly. Mrs. Jones looks at him,
rolls her eyes up in her head and says in a thoroughly disgusted
voice: "You idjit--he says he can heal the sick--not raise the
dead!" 

-Chief

-----------------

poster: Zax
subject: >moo
date: Fri Jan  5 12:24:53 2001

On Thu Jan  4 20:07:20 2001 Snoop wrote post #148:
> A man died and went to hell.
> The devil noticed him and walked
> up to him and asked him why he
> looked so sad.
> -I have died and gone to hell, 
> what the fuck do you think, said the man.
> -But hell isn't that bad, said the devil, do
> you like to drink?
> -Oooh, i love to drink!
> -Then you will love mondays, then we just
> drink all day until we throw up our entrails
> and you don't have to worry about your liver
> or gettin hungover since you're dead.
> -Yeah, that's true.
> -Do you like to smoke?
> -Yeah, i like to smoke.
> -Then you will love tuesdays, then we just
> smoke all day until we cough up our entrails
> and you don't have to worry about lungcancer since
> you're allrdy dead.
> -Yeah, that's true.
> -Do you like to eat?
> -Yes, i love to eat.
> -Well then you will just love wednesdays, then we
> just eat all day until we shit our entrails out
> and you don't have to worry about getting fat 
> since you're allrdy dead.
> -This is just getting better and better...
> -Are you gay?
> -Most sertainly not! I'm very much straight.
> -Ouch...guess you won't like thursdays very much then...
> 
snoop, forgot to say what they did on thursdays, but it's clear to
everyone i hope.

they spend thursdays in sweden!

-----------------

poster: Jimerson
subject: 3 Mice
date: Sat Jan  6 02:45:48 2001

Three mice are sitting at a bar.

The 1st mouse takes a sip of his beer and says, "I'm a bad-ass
mouse. Why you ask? Well let me tell you. At my house we have these
things called mouse traps. I walk right up to them, take the cheese
and bend the bars in half!"

The 2nd mouse takes a big swig of his beer and says, " NO! I'm a
bad-ass mouse. And here's why. In my hood, we have this stuff called
RAT POSION. Well, when i have my afternoon beer, I take some of that
"poison", mix it with my beer, and guzzle it down. So who's the
bad-ass mouse now?"

Well the 3rd and finall mouse downs his beer totally, slams the
glass on the bar and starts walking toward the door. The other two
ask, "Where are you going?"

He says, " I'm going home to fuck the cat!"

-----------------

poster: Kazulanth
subject: rhyme
date: Tue Jan  9 03:53:23 2001

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat did a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun
And the cat died of electric shock.


-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: George W. Bush
date: Tue Jan  9 06:26:44 2001

One day, when George W. Bush was a small boy growing up in Texas, he
walked into a store and said,
"Can I have a hamburger with fries and a Coke, please?" 
The proprietor looked at him and laughed, "Youre that Bush boy, aren't you?" 
George was so angry he decided that his goal in life was to make
that guy behind the counter
respect him.
So he worked and studied, forgoing scocial life or human
contact, until he finally gained Presidancy of the United States.
Soon after George W. Bush went back to his hometown, dressed in the
finest sweater-vest and
platform shoes, just like a man from the big city would.
He walked right up to that counter and said "My good man, I would
like a steak tartare, scalloped
potates and a small salad on the side with raspberry vinaigrette."
The man looked at him and said, "You're that Bush boy, aren't you?"
George screamed in anger. "How did you know??"
The man replied, "Because this is a hardware store."

-----------------

poster: Energystar
subject: mmm
date: Tue Jan  9 20:30:33 2001

 Recently scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering
 the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of
 female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption.
>
 The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test
 the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one-hour
 period.
>
 It was observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked
 excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't
 drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit
 down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to
 apologize when wrong.
>
 No further testing is planned ..

-----------------

poster: Blackthorne
subject: >mmm
date: Wed Jan 10 02:38:35 2001

Wasn't this posted a while back?

-----------------

poster: Rizzly
subject: >>mmm
date: Wed Jan 10 03:16:12 2001

Yep.

-----------------

poster: Squee
subject: Not much else to say....
date: Fri Jan 12 02:19:47 2001

1st Gene-Modified Monkey Born
...

-----------------

poster: Nyx
subject: >Not much else to say....
date: Fri Jan 12 19:07:54 2001

On Fri Jan 12 02:19:47 2001 Squee wrote post #158:
> 1st Gene-Modified Monkey Born
> ...
Now we know where Squee came from. 

-----------------

poster: Magneto
subject: >>Not much else to say....
date: Fri Jan 12 21:44:47 2001

On Fri Jan 12 19:07:54 2001 Nyx wrote post #159:
> On Fri Jan 12 02:19:47 2001 Squee wrote post #158:
> > 1st Gene-Modified Monkey Born
> > ...
> Now we know where Squee came from. 
now that is just unkind to monkeys everywhere

-----------------

poster: Trunks
subject: The Unrepentant Driver
date: Fri Jan 12 22:19:50 2001

Around Christmas time, a man was circling a shopping mall parking lot
looking for a place to park his Cadillac.  He tried to squeeze into a
space that was too small and wound up making a large dent in the
fender of a Ford Escort.
The culprit's first impulse was to drive away.  But the parking lot was
filled with people, and a small crowd had stopped to observe
what he would do next.
With a contrite expression on his face, he climbed out of his car,
wrote something on a piece of paper and slipped it under the wind-
shield.  Then he got back into his Cadillac and drove away.
When the owner of the Escort got back to his car, he saw the
dent first and then the scrap of paper on his windshield.  He opened
the note and read: "The people watching me think I'm leaving the
name of my insurance company to cover the damage to your car.
But I'm not."

-----------------

poster: Trigon
subject: Hehe
date: Sun Jan 14 22:26:24 2001

This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a
concerned look on his face. "Doc," he says, "I'm worried.
It's that dream. I'm having it again."

"What dream?" asked the shrink, not really paying
attention.

"You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into
sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be
worried or am I just beating a dead horse?"
l
hehe -Trigon

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Managment Lessons
date: Wed Jan 17 16:39:15 2001

These were posted ages ago, but still just as true:

> > MANAGEMENT LESSONS 
> > * Lesson Number One 
> > A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw 
> > the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do 
> > nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit 
> > sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox 
> > appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. 
> > 
> > Management Lesson: To be SITTING AND DOING NOTHING, YOU MUST BE SITTING 
> > VERY, VERY HIGH UP. 
> > 
> > 
> > * Lesson Number Two 
> > A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able toget to the 
>top 
> > of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got 
> > the energy.""Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? "replied 
> > the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked 
> > at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough trength to 
> > reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating 
> > some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after one night, 
>there 
> > he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he 
> > was promptly spotted by a farmer,who shot the turkey out of the tree. 
> > 
> > Management Lesson: BULLSHIT might get you TO THE TOP, but IT WON'T KEEP 
>YOU 
> > THERE. 
> > 
> > 
> > * Lesson Number Three 
> > When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. 
> > The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's 
> > responses and functions." 
> > The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get
him 
> > to where he wants to go." 
> > The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and
earn 
> > all the money. 
> > And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until 
> > finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the 
> > idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, 
>blocked 
> > itself up and refused to work. Within a short time 
> > the eyes became crossed, The hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart 
> > and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. 
> > Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the 
> > motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work 
> > while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit! 
> > 
> > Management Lesson: You DON'T NEED BRAIN TO BE A BOSS - any asshole will 
>do. 
> > 
> > 
> > * Lesson Number Four 
> > A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird 
> > froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it 
> > was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen 
> > bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, 
> > it began to realize how warm it was.The dung was actually thawing him
out! 
> > He lay there 
> > all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard 
>the 
> > bird singing and came to investigate. 
> > Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow 
>dung, 
> > and promptly dug him out and ate him! 
> > 
> > Management Lessons: 
> > 1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your ENEMY. 
> > 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your FRIEND. 
> > 3) And when you're in deep shit, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! 

-----------------

poster: Korthrun
subject: Language
date: Thu Jan 18 04:16:38 2001

Man1:I didn't have sex with my wife untill after we we're warried. did you?
Man2: I don't know, what was her maiden name?

-----------------

poster: Baer
subject: Aussie love poem
date: Fri Jan 19 05:54:01 2001

>> Aussie love poem
>> Of course I love ya darling
>> You're a bloody top notch bird
>> And when I say ur gorgeous
>> I mean every single word
>>
>> So ya bum is on the big side
>> I don't mind a bit of flab
>> It means that when I'm ready
>> There's somethin there to grab
>>
>> So your belly isn't flat no more
>> I tell ya, I don't care
>> So long as when I cuddle ya
>> I can get my arms around there
>>
>> No sheila who is your age
>> Has nice round perky breasts
>> They just gave into gravity
>> But I know ya did ya best
>>
>> I'm tellin ya the truth now
>> I never tell ya lies
>> I think it's very sexy
>> That you've got dimples on ya thighs
>>
>> I swear on me nannas grave now
>> The moment that we met
>> I thought u was as good as
>> I was ever gonna get
>>
>> No matter wot u look like
>> I'll always love ya dear
>> Now shut up while the footy's on And get me another beer!


-----------------

poster: Baer
subject: Lesson from Dad
date: Mon Jan 22 06:52:21 2001

A father and son happen to walk by a condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter of factly replies, "Those are called condoms son,
and men use them to have safe sex.

"Oh I see," the boy replied pensively. "I heard of that in health class at
school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are
there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, " Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for
Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy.  He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these
for?"

"Those are for college boys." the dad answers, "Two for Friday, Two for
Saturday and Two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12
pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January,
one for February, one for  March......................................."


-----------------

poster: Baer
subject: The Ig Nobel Prizes
date: Mon Jan 22 12:58:08 2001

From Havard University, annual awards for achievements that cannot
or should not be reproduced. Think of it as the scientific version
of the Darwin Awards.

http://www.improbable.com/ig/ig-2000-winners.html


-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Hehehehehehehe
date: Mon Jan 22 16:58:14 2001

This is cute, I'm now Snotty Pizzafanny

>>   Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you
>>   need some silliness to break up the day. Here is your dose...
>>   The following is an excerpt from a children's book,
>>   "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of
>>Professor Poopypants," by Dave Pilkey:
>>   (check out the kids section at Chapters next time you visit - this book
>>is
>>apparently hilarious.)
>>   The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names.....
>>   Use the first letter of your first name to determine your NEW first
>>name:
>>   a = stinky
>>   b = lumpy
>>   c = buttercup
>>   d = gidget
>>   e = crusty
>>   f = greasy
>>   g = fluffy
>>   h = cheeseball
>>   i = chim-chim
>>   j = poopsie
>>   k = flunky
>>   l = booger
>>   m = pinky
>>   n = zippy
>>   o = goober
>>   p = doofus
>>   q = slimy
>>   r = loopy
>>   s = snotty
>>   t = falafel
>>   u = dorkey
>>   v = squeezit
>>   w = oprah
>>   x = skipper
>>   y = dinky
>>   z = zsa-zsa
>>
>>   Use the first letter of your last name to determine the first half of
>>your
>>NEW last name:
>>   a = diaper
>>   b = toilet
>>   c = giggle
>>   d = bubble
>>   e = girdle
>>   f = barf
>>   g = lizard
>>   h = waffle
>>   i = cootie
>>   j = monkey
>>   k = potty
>>   l = liver
>>   m = banana
>>   n = rhino
>>   o = burger
>>   p = hamster
>>   q = toad
>>   r = gizzard
>>   s = pizza
>>   t = gerbil
>>   u = chicken
>>   v = pickle
>>   w = chuckle
>>   x = tofu
>>   y = gorilla
>>   z = stinker
>>
>>   Use the last letter of your last name to determine the second half of
>>your
>>NEW last name:
>>   a = head
>>   b = mouth
>>   c = face
>>   d = nose
>>   e = tush
>>   f = breath
>>   g = pants
>>   h = shorts
>>   i = lips
>>   j = honker
>>   k = butt
>>   l = brain
>>   m = tushie
>>   n = chunks
>>   o = hiney
>>   p = biscuits
>>   q = toes
>>   r = buns
>>   s = fanny
>>   t = sniffer
>>   u = sprinkles
>>   v = kisser
>>   w = squirt
>>   x =humperdinck
>>   y = brains
>>   z = juice
>>
>>   Thus, for example, George Bush's new name is Fluffy Toiletshorts. Go
>>figure.

-----------------

poster: Nyx
subject: >Hehehehehehehe
date: Tue Jan 23 08:32:21 2001

Woo hoo, I am Falafel Gigglefanny. ;)

-----------------

poster: Krellen
subject: >>Hehehehehehehe
date: Tue Jan 23 19:46:07 2001

I'm Doofus Lizardbrains.  I don't like that.  >:(

-----------------

poster: Jomo
subject: Names
date: Wed Jan 24 01:07:33 2001

I am now Poopsie Bannabut!

-----------------

poster: Spiraldancer
subject: Lifesavers
date: Sat Jan 27 22:51:59 2001

A College professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders

using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children lifesavers and

asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began to say:

"Red..................cherry",

"Yellow...............lemon",

"Green................lime",

"Orange...............orange".

Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them

for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well" he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may

sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled,

"Spit them out everybody, they're assholes ."




-----------------

poster: Quillz
subject: Idiots
date: Mon Jan 29 19:14:47 2001

ANN ARBOR IDIOT
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti Michigan at, 8:50 AM, flashed a gun and
demanded cash. 
The clerk turned him down because  he could not open the register
without a food order.
When the man ordered onion rings the clerk told him that they werent
available for breakfast.
The theif, frustrated, walked away.

KENTUCKY IDIOTS

Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a
chain from the bumper to the machine. 
Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, they pulled
their bumper off instead.
Scared, they left the scene and drove home.
e
with the change still attached to the machine...
with the bumper still attached to the chain...
with the liscence plate still attached to the bumper.

LOUISIANA IDIOT

A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and
asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man
pulled a gun and asked for asked for all the cash in the register,
which the clerk promptly provided.  
The man took the cash and fled the scene leaving the 20$ on the counter. 
The total ammount of cash that he got from the drawer?
$15.00
If someone points a gun to you and gives you money, is a crime still
committed?

ARKANSAS IDIOT
Seems this guy wanted beer pretty badly.
He musta decided that he'd quick throw a cinder block through the
bar window, grab some booze, and run
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The block bounced off the plexi-glass and hit the would-be theif in
the head, rendering him unconscious.
The whole event was caught on videotape. 

NEW YORK IDIOT
 
A female consumer was leaving a grocery store when a man grabbed her
purse and ran.
The clerk promptly called 911 and the woman gave a detailed
description of the theif.
Within minutes, the cops arrived.
The theif was taked out of the car and asked to stand to get a positive ID.
taked - taken
To which he replied, "Yes officer, thats the woman I stole the purse from."

SEATTLE IDIOT

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor  home parked on
a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. 
The police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to
a puddle of raw sewage.
A police spokesman said the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline
but put the syphon into the wrong tank.
The owner of the vehicle said he didnt want to press charges,
because it was the best laugh he has had in a long time.

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: A Brit, An Irishman and a Scott...
date: Tue Jan 30 00:58:04 2001

A Brit, and Irishman and a Scott are sitting together in a pub when
all at once a fly lands in each of their beer.
The Brit says: "Bartender, may I have a spoon to take this fly out
of my beer?"
The Irishman says: "That's not how you do it you wuss!" And he
reaches in and takes the fly out with his bare hands. 
The Scot then reaches into his beer, takes the fly out by his little
wings and says "SPIT IT OUT, YOU LITTLE BUGGER, SPIT IT OUT!"

-Javi

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: >A Brit, An Irishman and a Scott...
date: Tue Jan 30 01:48:57 2001

On Tue Jan 30 00:58:04 2001 Javier wrote post #175:
> A Brit, and Irishman and a Scott are sitting together in a pub when
> all at once a fly lands in each of their beer.
> The Brit says: "Bartender, may I have a spoon to take this fly out
> of my beer?"
> The Irishman says: "That's not how you do it you wuss!" And he
> reaches in and takes the fly out with his bare hands. 
> The Scot then reaches into his beer, takes the fly out by his little
> wings and says "SPIT IT OUT, YOU LITTLE BUGGER, SPIT IT OUT!"
> 
> -Javi
A Scot would be a Brit, so you've got the silly stereotypes wrong. 
The first character should have been an Englishman.

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: >>A Brit, An Irishman and a Scott...
date: Tue Jan 30 02:53:20 2001

On Tue Jan 30 01:48:57 2001 Tahnval wrote post #176:
> On Tue Jan 30 00:58:04 2001 Javier wrote post #175:
> > A Brit, and Irishman and a Scott are sitting together in a pub when
> > all at once a fly lands in each of their beer.
> > The Brit says: "Bartender, may I have a spoon to take this fly out
> > of my beer?"
> > The Irishman says: "That's not how you do it you wuss!" And he
> > reaches in and takes the fly out with his bare hands. 
> > The Scot then reaches into his beer, takes the fly out by his little
> > wings and says "SPIT IT OUT, YOU LITTLE BUGGER, SPIT IT OUT!"
> > 
> > -Javi
> A Scot would be a Brit, so you've got the silly stereotypes wrong. 
> The first character should have been an Englishman.
John McDermott told that joke, just like that. I'm more inclined to
tell it his way than yours ;)
Javi

-----------------

poster: Tigran
subject: >>>A Brit, An Irishman and a Scott...
date: Tue Jan 30 02:54:29 2001

On Tue Jan 30 02:53:20 2001 Javier wrote post #177:
> On Tue Jan 30 01:48:57 2001 Tahnval wrote post #176:
> > On Tue Jan 30 00:58:04 2001 Javier wrote post #175:
> > > A Brit, and Irishman and a Scott are sitting together in a pub when
> > > all at once a fly lands in each of their beer.
> > > The Brit says: "Bartender, may I have a spoon to take this fly out
> > > of my beer?"
> > > The Irishman says: "That's not how you do it you wuss!" And he
> > > reaches in and takes the fly out with his bare hands. 
> > > The Scot then reaches into his beer, takes the fly out by his little
> > > wings and says "SPIT IT OUT, YOU LITTLE BUGGER, SPIT IT OUT!"
> > > 
> > > -Javi
> > A Scot would be a Brit, so you've got the silly stereotypes wrong. 
> > The first character should have been an Englishman.
> John McDermott told that joke, just like that. I'm more inclined to
> tell it his way than yours ;)
> Javi
I have to agree with Javi (gasp) here.  Even if it wasn't quite
exactly right...big deal..it's a joke.  A great majority of those
get things wrong intentionally.

T

-----------------

poster: Nyx
subject: >>>A Brit, An Irishman and a Scott...
date: Tue Jan 30 03:55:55 2001

On Tue Jan 30 02:53:20 2001 Javier wrote post #177:
> On Tue Jan 30 01:48:57 2001 Tahnval wrote post #176:
> > On Tue Jan 30 00:58:04 2001 Javier wrote post #175:
> > > A Brit, and Irishman and a Scott are sitting together in a pub when
> > > all at once a fly lands in each of their beer.
> > > The Brit says: "Bartender, may I have a spoon to take this fly out
> > > of my beer?"
> > > The Irishman says: "That's not how you do it you wuss!" And he
> > > reaches in and takes the fly out with his bare hands. 
> > > The Scot then reaches into his beer, takes the fly out by his little
> > > wings and says "SPIT IT OUT, YOU LITTLE BUGGER, SPIT IT OUT!"
> > > 
> > > -Javi
> > A Scot would be a Brit, so you've got the silly stereotypes wrong. 
> > The first character should have been an Englishman.
> John McDermott told that joke, just like that. I'm more inclined to
> tell it his way than yours ;)
> Javi
Plus, Scots don't generally qualify themselves as brits...least none
of the ones I know.
Nyx

-----------------

poster: Sleet
subject: funny website
date: Tue Jan 30 03:58:13 2001

ok this really isnt a joke but i thought maybe some of you might get
a kick out of it
bathroomchatter.com
couple of my friends from school made this site and its pretty
funny, and an essay i wrote should be up on there soon
sleet

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: >>>A Brit, An Irishman and a Scott...
date: Tue Jan 30 05:44:05 2001

On Tue Jan 30 02:53:20 2001 Javier wrote post #177:
> On Tue Jan 30 01:48:57 2001 Tahnval wrote post #176:
> > On Tue Jan 30 00:58:04 2001 Javier wrote post #175:
> > > A Brit, and Irishman and a Scott are sitting together in a pub when
> > > all at once a fly lands in each of their beer.
> > > The Brit says: "Bartender, may I have a spoon to take this fly out
> > > of my beer?"
> > > The Irishman says: "That's not how you do it you wuss!" And he
> > > reaches in and takes the fly out with his bare hands. 
> > > The Scot then reaches into his beer, takes the fly out by his little
> > > wings and says "SPIT IT OUT, YOU LITTLE BUGGER, SPIT IT OUT!"
> > > 
> > > -Javi
> > A Scot would be a Brit, so you've got the silly stereotypes wrong. 
> > The first character should have been an Englishman.
> John McDermott told that joke, just like that. I'm more inclined to
> tell it his way than yours ;)
> Javi
You prefer to be wrong?  Odd, but it's your choice.  I've noticed
that people who stereotype are often wrong about all sorts of other
things too.

-----------------

poster: Blackthorne
subject: >>>>A Brit, An Irishman and a Scott...
date: Tue Jan 30 05:57:02 2001

Bah, it's a joke...just leave it alone. Besides the Scot would have
had enough to drink that he would have been passed out on the floor
or fighting with the Irishman.
-B, proud of his Scottish heritage and will live up to his ancestors
expectations of drinking and whatnot.

-----------------

poster: Zax
subject: >>>>A Brit, An Irishman and a Scott...
date: Tue Jan 30 09:01:45 2001

On Tue Jan 30 05:44:05 2001 Tahnval wrote post #181:
> On Tue Jan 30 02:53:20 2001 Javier wrote post #177:
> > On Tue Jan 30 01:48:57 2001 Tahnval wrote post #176:
> > > On Tue Jan 30 00:58:04 2001 Javier wrote post #175:
> > > > A Brit, and Irishman and a Scott are sitting together in a pub when
> > > > all at once a fly lands in each of their beer.
> > > > The Brit says: "Bartender, may I have a spoon to take this fly out
> > > > of my beer?"
> > > > The Irishman says: "That's not how you do it you wuss!" And he
> > > > reaches in and takes the fly out with his bare hands. 
> > > > The Scot then reaches into his beer, takes the fly out by his little
> > > > wings and says "SPIT IT OUT, YOU LITTLE BUGGER, SPIT IT OUT!"
> > > > 
> > > > -Javi
> > > A Scot would be a Brit, so you've got the silly stereotypes wrong. 
> > > The first character should have been an Englishman.
> > John McDermott told that joke, just like that. I'm more inclined to
> > tell it his way than yours ;)
> > Javi
> You prefer to be wrong?  Odd, but it's your choice.  I've noticed
> that people who stereotype are often wrong about all sorts of other
> things too.
Sounds like Tahnval is a Brit the way he get his knickers in a knot
about it... oops stereotypes again.


-----------------

poster: Tranquil
subject: >>>>>A Brit, An Irishman and a Scott...
date: Tue Jan 30 10:36:36 2001

On Tue Jan 30 09:01:45 2001 Zax wrote post #183:
> On Tue Jan 30 05:44:05 2001 Tahnval wrote post #181:
> > On Tue Jan 30 02:53:20 2001 Javier wrote post #177:
> > > On Tue Jan 30 01:48:57 2001 Tahnval wrote post #176:
> > > > On Tue Jan 30 00:58:04 2001 Javier wrote post #175:
> > > > > A Brit, and Irishman and a Scott are sitting together in a pub when
> > > > > all at once a fly lands in each of their beer.
> > > > > The Brit says: "Bartender, may I have a spoon to take this fly out
> > > > > of my beer?"
> > > > > The Irishman says: "That's not how you do it you wuss!" And he
> > > > > reaches in and takes the fly out with his bare hands. 
> > > > > The Scot then reaches into his beer, takes the fly out by his little
> > > > > wings and says "SPIT IT OUT, YOU LITTLE BUGGER, SPIT IT OUT!"
> > > > > 
> > > > > -Javi
> > > > A Scot would be a Brit, so you've got the silly stereotypes wrong. 
> > > > The first character should have been an Englishman.
> > > John McDermott told that joke, just like that. I'm more inclined to
> > > tell it his way than yours ;)
> > > Javi
> > You prefer to be wrong?  Odd, but it's your choice.  I've noticed
> > that people who stereotype are often wrong about all sorts of other
> > things too.
> Sounds like Tahnval is a Brit the way he get his knickers in a knot
> about it... oops stereotypes again.
> 
I'm glad Im not the only one who noticed.

- Tranquil, the welsh but not in any way british guy.


-----------------

poster: Marvin
subject: >>>>>>A Brit, An Irishman and a Scott...
date: Tue Jan 30 14:23:25 2001

Hmm, a Brit, and Irishman, and a Scot? ...er... whats the difference?

You are all 'English' to any American =)

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: >>>>>>A Brit, An Irishman and a Scott...
date: Tue Jan 30 21:13:19 2001

On Tue Jan 30 10:36:36 2001 Tranquil wrote post #184:
> On Tue Jan 30 09:01:45 2001 Zax wrote post #183:
> > On Tue Jan 30 05:44:05 2001 Tahnval wrote post #181:
> > > On Tue Jan 30 02:53:20 2001 Javier wrote post #177:
> > > > On Tue Jan 30 01:48:57 2001 Tahnval wrote post #176:
> > > > > On Tue Jan 30 00:58:04 2001 Javier wrote post #175:
> > > > > > A Brit, and Irishman and a Scott are sitting together in a pub
when
> > > > > > all at once a fly lands in each of their beer.
> > > > > > The Brit says: "Bartender, may I have a spoon to take this fly out
> > > > > > of my beer?"
> > > > > > The Irishman says: "That's not how you do it you wuss!" And he
> > > > > > reaches in and takes the fly out with his bare hands. 
> > > > > > The Scot then reaches into his beer, takes the fly out by his
little
> > > > > > wings and says "SPIT IT OUT, YOU LITTLE BUGGER, SPIT IT OUT!"
> > > > > > 
> > > > > > -Javi
> > > > > A Scot would be a Brit, so you've got the silly stereotypes wrong. 
> > > > > The first character should have been an Englishman.
> > > > John McDermott told that joke, just like that. I'm more inclined to
> > > > tell it his way than yours ;)
> > > > Javi
> > > You prefer to be wrong?  Odd, but it's your choice.  I've noticed
> > > that people who stereotype are often wrong about all sorts of other
> > > things too.
> > Sounds like Tahnval is a Brit the way he get his knickers in a knot
> > about it... oops stereotypes again.
> > 
> I'm glad Im not the only one who noticed.
> 
> - Tranquil, the welsh but not in any way british guy.
> 
Actually, I'd be doing the same if you were stereotyping blacks,
queers or any other group of people.
When was Wales moved, btw?

-----------------

poster: Zax
subject: >>>>>>>A Brit, An Irishman and a Scott...
date: Wed Jan 31 06:31:50 2001

On Tue Jan 30 14:23:25 2001 Marvin wrote post #185:
> Hmm, a Brit, and Irishman, and a Scot? ...er... whats the difference?
> 
> You are all 'English' to any American =)

Yeah, but I was 'English' to any American... mainly becos I don't
have a knife, throw shrimp on the barbie, or drink Fosters.

-----------------

poster: Magneto
subject: >>>>>>>A Brit, An Irishman and a Scott...
date: Wed Jan 31 17:55:44 2001

I is a fkn joke.  If the content is too scandelous for your delicate
sensibilities... don't read jokes.  God, it wasn't like the punch
line was 'hey you get
the sheets, ill get the baseball bats'.  And in my experience most
of the scots and irishmen I know would be arguing that they were the
one trying to get the fly to give it back.  (I am both scotch and
irish myself)
Mags

-----------------

poster: Nyx
subject: >>>>>>>A Brit, An Irishman and a Scott...
date: Wed Jan 31 20:09:34 2001

On Tue Jan 30 21:13:19 2001 Tahnval wrote post #186:
> On Tue Jan 30 10:36:36 2001 Tranquil wrote post #184:
> > On Tue Jan 30 09:01:45 2001 Zax wrote post #183:
> > > On Tue Jan 30 05:44:05 2001 Tahnval wrote post #181:
> > > > On Tue Jan 30 02:53:20 2001 Javier wrote post #177:
> > > > > On Tue Jan 30 01:48:57 2001 Tahnval wrote post #176:
> > > > > > On Tue Jan 30 00:58:04 2001 Javier wrote post #175:
> > > > > > > A Brit, and Irishman and a Scott are sitting together in a pub
> when
> > > > > > > all at once a fly lands in each of their beer.
> > > > > > > The Brit says: "Bartender, may I have a spoon to take this fly
out
> > > > > > > of my beer?"
> > > > > > > The Irishman says: "That's not how you do it you wuss!" And he
> > > > > > > reaches in and takes the fly out with his bare hands. 
> > > > > > > The Scot then reaches into his beer, takes the fly out by his
> little
> > > > > > > wings and says "SPIT IT OUT, YOU LITTLE BUGGER, SPIT IT OUT!"
> > > > > > > 
> > > > > > > -Javi
> > > > > > A Scot would be a Brit, so you've got the silly stereotypes
wrong. 
> > > > > > The first character should have been an Englishman.
> > > > > John McDermott told that joke, just like that. I'm more inclined to
> > > > > tell it his way than yours ;)
> > > > > Javi
> > > > You prefer to be wrong?  Odd, but it's your choice.  I've noticed
> > > > that people who stereotype are often wrong about all sorts of other
> > > > things too.
> > > Sounds like Tahnval is a Brit the way he get his knickers in a knot
> > > about it... oops stereotypes again.
> > > 
> > I'm glad Im not the only one who noticed.
> > 
> > - Tranquil, the welsh but not in any way british guy.
> > 
> Actually, I'd be doing the same if you were stereotyping blacks,
> queers or any other group of people.
> When was Wales moved, btw?
ITS A JOKE!!! GET OVER IT!! NOW!

-----------------

poster: Magneto
subject: heheh
date: Wed Jan 31 21:31:55 2001

  After digging to a depth of 100 metres last year, Russian scientists
    found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the
    conclusion that Russia had a telephone network one thousand years ago.
    So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists
    dug down 600 feet, and headlines in the US newspapers read:
    "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and
    have concluded that early Americans had advanced high-tech digital
    telephones 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
    One week later, the Irish press reported the following:
    "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Irish scientists have found
    absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago the Irish
    were already using mobile phones."

more racism for you!

-----------------

poster: Kazulanth
subject: Penguins.. a fact
date: Wed Feb  7 00:32:30 2001

Is it true that penguins topple over when aircraft fly overhead? 

It has been widely reported that penguins topple over like 
dominoes when helicopters or other aircraft fly above them. They 
fall over backward, the stories suggest, in order to look at the 
flying machines. Tuns out that's a lot of hooey. A scientist who 
recently studied a penguin colony on a remote sub-Antarctic 
island found that the birds do the practical thing when aircraft 
fly over: they get quiet and try to move away from the noise. 
"Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over 
Antarctic Bay," said Richard Stone of the British Antarctic 
Survey. Rather, he reports, they stopped calling to each other 
and adolescent birds (who have no eggs or nests) tried to walk 
away from the noise. Breeding adults stayed by their nests, Stone 
says, and no eggs or chicks were lost. When the aircraft flies 
out of range, Stone adds, the birds resume their normal behavior. 


-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Rooster
date: Wed Feb  7 19:11:52 2001

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new 
>>>stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster 
>>>struts over to the old rooster and says, "Ok old 
>>>fart, time for you to retire."The old rooster replies, 
>>>"Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these 
>>>chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just 
>>>let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The 
>>>young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I 
>>>am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you 
>>>what, young stud. I will race you around the 
>>>farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over 
>>>the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs, 
>>>"You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to 
>>>be fair I will give you a head start." The old rooster 
>>>takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young 
>>>rooster takes off running after him. They round the 
>>>front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has 
>>>closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind 
>>>the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, 
>>>meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot of the front 
>>>porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs 
>>>up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster 
>>>to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 
>>>"Damn it...third gay rooster I bought this month." 

-----------------

poster: Magneto
subject: best 404 ever
date: Wed Feb  7 22:06:42 2001

http://www.scintilla.utwente.nl/hejhopp

-----------------

poster: Daran
subject: Lawyer Joke
date: Sat Feb 10 03:41:06 2001

  A lawyer married a chick who had previously divorced
nine husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new
husband, "Please be gentle with me, dear, because I'm
still a virgin."
  "What?" exclaimed the puzzled groom. "How can that
be, if you've been married 9 times?"
  "Well, Husband #1 was a sales rep. All he did was
keep telling me how great it was going to be."
  "Husband #2 was in computer tech support. He was
never really sure how it was supposed to function, but
he kept saying he'd look into it and get back with me."
  "Husband #3 was a field technician. He said everything
checked out diagnostically, but he never could get the
system up."
  "Husband #4 was in shipping. Even though he knew he had
the order, he didn't know when he'd be able to deliver."
  "Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic
process, but he wanted three years to research, implement,
and design a new state-of-the-art method."
  "Husband #6 was in marketing. Althought he had a nice
product, he was never sure how to position it."
  "Husband #7 was a psychiatrist. All he ever did was talk
about it."
  "Husband #8 was a gynecologist. He never did anything
but look at it."
  "Husband #9 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was
lick it. God I miss him! But now that I've married you,
I'm really excited."
  "Well, I'm glad to hear it," said the attorney. "But why?"
  "You're a lawyer, after all," she said. "So this time I
know I'm going to get screwed."

-----------------

poster: Baer
subject: The Confusing country
date: Mon Feb 12 07:16:06 2001

The Confusing Country
This gem is by Douglas Adams (of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy fame)
Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the
bottom half of the planet.  It is recognisable from orbit because of many
unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite
taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep
into the girting sea.  Geologists assure us that this is simply an
accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the
"Great Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a
more frightening theory, but they can't spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the
place.  Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as
either continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three.
Typically, it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals.  They can be
divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep.  It is true
that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of
them.  Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most
poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them.  However, there are
curiously few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all.
But even the spiders won't go near the sea.  Any visitors should be
careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet
seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else.  A stick is
very useful for this task.

Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are
more dangerous.  The creature that kills the most people each year is the
common Wombat.  It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its
life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it
comes out to eat worms and grubs.

The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is
indestructible.  Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles
that outclass Olympic weight lifters.  At night, they often wander the
roads.  Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all
9 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed.  They
express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away.  Alas, to smaller
cars, the wombat becomes a symmetrical launching pad, with results that
can be imagined, but not adequately described.


The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing
behaviour.  If a person happens to put their hand down a wombat hole, the
wombat will feel the disturbance and think "Ho! My hole is collapsing!"
at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of
its burrow with incredible force, to prevent its collapse.  Any
unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the
wombat to simply bear down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to
death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking
assistance.  This is considered the third most embarrassing known way to
die, and Australians don't talk about it much.

At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative
of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays
eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and
has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all
'typical' Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.  First, a
short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in
boats from the north.  They ate all the available food, and a lot of them
died.  The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature,
man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders.  They settled
in, and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.

More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and
stupid people in charge.  They tried to plant their crops in Autumn
(failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from
the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot
of them died.  About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever
since.

It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider
themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they
can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they
say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left
in  the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended
Holiday and became Australians.  The changes are subtle, but deep, caused
by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a
person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the
core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of
checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises.  They also
picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the
Aboriginal gift for making up stories.

Be warned.  There is also the matter of the beaches.  Australian beaches
are simply the nicest and best in the entire world.  Although anyone
actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks,
stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the
sea, pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of its
back that  will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders.  However,
watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would
expect Australians to be a dour lot.  Instead, they are genial, jolly,
cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless
they are an American.  Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible
problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick.

Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated
iron, string, and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'grass is
greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim
that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence.  They call the
land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country") and
"Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth".  The irritating thing
about this is they may be right.

There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though.  Do not
under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you
are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer.  Do not wear a
Hawaiian shirt.  Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation
(Australians don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield.
The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is "Best
{insert your own regional swear word here} country in the world!".  It is
very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you
on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian beer is
served.  Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse.  It is a form of
initiation rite.  You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing
hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes.  Your
hosts will usually make sure you  get home, and waive off any legal
difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to
the pub", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook.
Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you
encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how
strong the beer was.  Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.

Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary
use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.

Typical Australian sayings:
* "G'Day!"
* "It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."
* "She'll be right."
* "And down from Kosciusko, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn
and rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear as crystal, and
the white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky.  And
where, around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes,
and the rolling plains are wide.  The Man from Snowy River is a household
word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride."

Tips to Surviving Australia:
* Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever.  We
mean it.
* The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think
it is.
* Always carry a stick.
* Air-conditioning.
* Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained
linguist and good in a fist fight.
* Thick socks.
* Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are
people nearby.
* If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at
all times, or you will die.
* Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is
always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

See Also: "Deserts: How to die in them", "The Stick: Second most useful
thing ever" and "Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals,
trees,
shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia, Volumes 1-42"


-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Dr. Laura
date: Wed Feb 14 00:07:55 2001

I recieved this e-mail today and actually know a bit of background
on it. Dr. Laura really did make these statments about
homosexuality, but the letter following is word for word from the
script of The West Wing, where the president shoots down a Dr. Laura
type character on the show. Either way, it's pretty funny ;) Enjoy.
Javi
> >+AD4-Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses
> >+AD4-advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently,
> >+AD4-she said that as an observant Orthodox Jew homosexuality is
> >+AD4-an abominaton according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be
> >+AD4-condoned in any circumstance. The following is an open
> >+AD4-letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was
> >+AD4-posted on the Internet:)
> >+AD4-
> >+AD4-Dear Dr. Laura:
> >+AD4-Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding
> >+AD4-God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and
> >+AD4-I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.
> >+AD4-When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for
> >+AD4-example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly
> >+AD4-states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need
> >+AD4-some advice from you, however, regarding some of the
> >+AD4-specific laws and how to follow them.
> >+AD4- a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know
> >+AD4-it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The
> >+AD4-problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not
> >+AD4-pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
> >+AD4- b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as
> >+AD4-sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you
> >+AD4-think would be a fair price for her?
> >+AD4- c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while
> >+AD4-she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev.
> >+AD4-15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried
> >+AD4-asking, but most women take offence.
> >+AD4- d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves,
> >+AD4-both male and female, provided they are purchased from
> >+AD4-neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this
> >+AD4-applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
> >+AD4-Why can't I own Canadians?
> >+AD4-
> >+AD4-e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the
> >+AD4-Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to
> >+AD4-death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
> >+AD4-f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating
> >+AD4-shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser
> >+AD4-abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you
> >+AD4-settle this?
> >+AD4- g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of
> >+AD4-God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I
> >+AD4-wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is
> >+AD4-there some wiggle room here?
> >+AD4-h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed,
> >+AD4-including the hair around their temples, even though this is
> >+AD4-expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
> >+AD4-i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a
> >+AD4-dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if
> >+AD4-I wear gloves?
> >+AD4-j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting
> >+AD4-two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by
> >+AD4-wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread
> >+AD4-(cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and
> >+AD4-blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all
> >+AD4-the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone
> >+AD4-them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at
> >+AD4-a private family affair like we do with people who sleep
> >+AD4-with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
> >+AD4- I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am
> >+AD4-confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us
> >+AD4-that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted
> >+AD4-disciple and adoring fan.

-----------------

poster: Magneto
subject: OH MY GAWD
date: Fri Feb 16 21:23:20 2001


make sure that you can hear the sound on this or it isnt a billionth as funny

http://curtis.curtisfong.org/fobonics/bases/

-----------------

poster: Mixer
subject: Women's Prayer
date: Wed Feb 21 14:29:02 2001

     Our Cash
Which art on plastic
Hallowed be thy name
Thy Gucci watch
Thy Prada bag
In Saks
As it is in Neimans
Give us each day our Platinum Visa
And forgive us our overdraft
As we forgive those who cease our MasterCard
Lead us not into K Mart
And deliver us from Target
For thine is Versace, the Akira and the Armani
For Chanel No. 5 and Eternity
Amex

-----------------

poster: Chemosh
subject: is this your boss?
date: Thu Feb 22 11:52:12 2001



Twenty Management Styles
1.      MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES These kind of managers
you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away.  "We'll have to talk"
you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.
2.      MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW
        These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you
with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts
keep staring out of the windows.
3.      MANAGING BY POST-ITS.
        Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their
'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-Its. while you are talking.
4.      MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY These managers just delegate
everything to the secretary.
5.      MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING
        These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give
answers.
        Meanwhile they fill the time with irrelevant anecdotes.
6.      MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING
        These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of
the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies
them. They will always have something to talk about.
7.      MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION
        Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret
kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all.
8.      MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS These managers prevent
their bosses from creative thinking. Else they have more work to do.
9.      MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS In hierarchical
organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more
equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so
on.
10.     MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS If you drink beer with
them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can
stop your carreer anymore.
11.     MANAGING BY STUDYING
        Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and
congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the
further they get from the practice.
12.     MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS Do you know them? Those
sheets with some big arrows,boxes or circles? These sheets provide the
ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.
13.     MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM This is a major improvement of
the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out
anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.
14.     MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS This kind of managing is
very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as
an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.
15.     MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE In an
organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary.
These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better
infrastructure.
16.     BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS )
        This management style is ATRASACWOC. ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter
And Clearer Way Of Communication )
17.     MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS
        These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly
undefined, terms.
18.     MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION
        If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.
19.     MANAGING BY BELIEVING
        These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no
clues at all.
20.     MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES
        If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that
promise is too low to remember.


tom

-----------------

poster: Golte
subject: lawyers
date: Mon Feb 26 19:20:03 2001

CHOICE OF HEARTS
     An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his
options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have three possible
donors—tell me which
     one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died
in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman
who never drank
     or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an
attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years." "I’ll
take the lawyer’s heart," said
     the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked
the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy," the
patient replied. "I wanted
     a heart that hadn’t been used."


STOLEN MEAT
     A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and
stole a cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the dog
as belonging to his
     neighbor who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said
"Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the
meat." The lawyer
     said, " You are correct. How much was the meat?" The butcher
told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that he should
receive a check for that
     amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check
arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached for $150 "for
legal consultation."


OFF LIMITS
     Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and
their clients?
     A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially
the same service.


THE QUESTIONS
     A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the
lawyer's rates. "$50 for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?"
     asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your
third question?"


LAWYERS REVISITED
     Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
     A: Skeet.


TRAPPED
     You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a
lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you
     do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.


-----------------

poster: Golte
subject: nuns
date: Mon Feb 26 21:11:06 2001

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the
father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of
pornographic
     magazines!" "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of
course I threw them all in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I
can top that. I was
     in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a
bunch of condoms." "Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you
do?" they asked. "I
     poked holes in all of them," she replied. The third nun said, "Oh, crap."


-----------------

poster: Mixer
subject: MEDICAL NEWS FLASH!
date: Tue Feb 27 13:46:39 2001

Viagra is now available in liquid form.  DA officials today announced the
release of the wonder drug Viagra, in a new, easy-to-take liquid form. It is
sold under the name "Mydixadrill."

Now, when men come home from work in the evening, they can pour themselves a
stiff one.

-----------------

poster: Golte
subject: three moms
date: Thu Mar  1 00:20:04 2001

Three mothers—a brunette, a redhead and a blond—were all talking
about their daughters. 
The brunette said, "I was looking through my daughter’s things and I
found cigarettes, 
I can't believe my daughter smokes." The redhead, said "Ladies, I
was looking through 
my daughter’s things and I found a bottle of liquor, I can't believe
my daughter drinks." 
The blond said, "I was looking through my daughter’s things and I
found a pack of 
condoms—I can't believe my daughter has a penis!"

-----------------

poster: Golte
subject: A mother's burden
date: Thu Mar  1 00:29:32 2001

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth and the
doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if
they'd like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain
of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the
mother's burden. Well, they thought that was a good idea and decided
to give it a try, so the doctor set it on 10 percent to begin with,
telling the man that even 10 percent was probably more pain than
he'd ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain
he was feeling and asked the doctor to raise it. So he put it up to
20 percent and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50 and
finally 100 percent. After it was over, the man stood up, stretched
a little. Both he and his wife felt fine. Later, when they took the
baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep. 

-----------------

poster: Baer
subject: only in america
date: Fri Mar  2 00:49:54 2001


A Charlotte, NC man purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars and
then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month having
smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and
without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the
man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man
stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires". The insurance
company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: the insured had
consumed the cigars in
the normal fashion. The insured man sued.... and won!


In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated, nevertheless, that the
man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the
cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them
against fire without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable
fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy
and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and
paid $15,000.00 to the man for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the
"fires".


NOW FOR THE BEST PART
So, what would you decide to do as the insurance company? Here is what
they did. After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his insurance claim and testimony
from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in
jail and a $24,000.00
fine.

This story was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Darwin
Award Contest.


-----------------

poster: Zifnab
subject: >only in america
date: Sat Mar  3 17:11:43 2001

On Fri Mar  2 00:49:54 2001 Baer wrote post #206:
> A Charlotte, NC man purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars and
> then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month having
> smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and
> without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the
> man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man
> stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires". The insurance
> company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: the insured had
> consumed the cigars in
> the normal fashion. The insured man sued.... and won!
> 
> 
> In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
> that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated, nevertheless, that the
> man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the
> cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them
> against fire without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable
> fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy
> and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and
> paid $15,000.00 to the man for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the
> "fires".
> 
> 
> NOW FOR THE BEST PART
> So, what would you decide to do as the insurance company? Here is what
> they did. After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him
> arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his insurance claim and testimony
> from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of
> intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in
> jail and a $24,000.00
> fine.
> 
> This story was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Darwin
> Award Contest.
> 
I believe this is an 'urban legend' too, cant recall which site
i saw it on

-----------------

poster: Golte
subject: nuns
date: Sun Mar  4 14:09:36 2001

Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St
Peter at the pearly gates. St Pete says "Ladies, you all led
such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go
back to Earth and be anyone you want". 

The first nun says "I want to be Bo Derek," and POOF
she's gone.

The second says "I want to be Madonna," and POOF
she's gone.

The third says "I want to be Virginia Pepalini.".

St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Virginia Pepalini" replies the nun.

St Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, that name
just doesn't ring a bell.

" The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and
hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing.

He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says the
Virginia Pipeline was laid by 500 men in 7 days!".

-----------------

poster: Golte
subject: Pharmacist
date: Sun Mar  4 15:49:36 2001

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and
have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event,
the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex
with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the
boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At
the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will
be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house
and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for
you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to
say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the
boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes
pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20
minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and
whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this
religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist!"

-----------------

poster: Athena
subject: good one
date: Sun Mar  4 23:24:14 2001

Some friends were sitting in a bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says...I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist
The second guy says...I'm a D.I.N.K., you know
Double Income, No Kids
The third guy says, I'm a R.U.B, you know
Rich Urban Biker
They turn to the woman and ask her, What are you?
She replies, I'm a W.I.F.E., you know
Wash, Iron, F**K, Etc.
A second gal answers their question before they have a chance to ask.
I'm a B.I.T.C.H.
What exactly is a BITCH, they all ask.
Babe In Total Control of herself!
So ladies, next time someone calls you a bitch, 
smile and say 'THANK YOU'!!!
I DO like this one. heheheh

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Period
date: Mon Mar  5 04:14:41 2001

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find 
    out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next 
    day. 

    When the time came to present what they'd found, 
    the first little boy called upon walked up to the 
    front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a Small white dot on 
    the blackboard, then sat back down. 

    Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. 

    "It's a period," said the little boy. 

    "Well, I can see that," she said, 

    "but what is so exciting about a period?" 

    "Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was 
    missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the
man next door 
    shot himself." 

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Cookies
date: Mon Mar  5 17:30:54 2001

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled 
the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He 
gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning 
against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even 
greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with 
both hands. 
 
With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the 
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself 
already in heaven: there, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were 
literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. 
 
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, 
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final 
effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled 
posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was 
already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. 
 
The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of 
the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. 
 
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral." 

-----------------

poster: Blackthorne
subject: When good people go bad.
date: Mon Mar  5 17:44:46 2001

A man was returning to his office after his lunch break when he sees
another man jumping out of a window and landing back on the ledge.
He asks the man, "How are you able to do that?"
The man replies, "Oh, it's great. You just jump out and the air
currents lift you back on to the ledge." As proof, he jumps off
again and lands right back on the ledge.
Well, the man gets up on the ledge says, "Here goes". He jumps off
and falls to his death.
A woman passing by stops and says, "You know, you're a real asshole
when you're drunk, Superman."

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Corperate Friends
date: Mon Mar  5 17:56:19 2001

http://www.ucomics.com/boondocks/viewbo.cfm?uc_full_d
te=20010302&uc_comic=bo&uc_daction=X

-----------------

poster: Wildchild
subject: the Dragonlance "Bitter Dino"
date: Tue Mar  6 00:44:32 2001

The bitter dino is an ancient poster on alt.fan.dragonlance (or the
mailing list) who
has spent a great deal of time devoted both to Dragonlance and to the
newsgroup itself. The dino’s understanding of Dragonlance is at
times astounding,
and at other times a bit scary.... 

A bitter dino has to be confirmed by another bitter dino, and is
only the result of
many years of posting on alt.fan.dragonlance. After using the newsgroup,
something seems to change in the person; the world seems darker, no
one agrees with the dino and
Wizards of the Coast especially ignores them. Some dinos have
managed to avoid this fate, but that
is a rare dead lizard indeed. 

Any class can become a bitter dino and there seems to be no one
group the dino originates from. All
races and professions are welcome to the honored halls of dinohood,
but two things are necessary
for dinohood: a love for Dragonlance and the inability to work with others. 

Alignment: Any 
Hit Die: d6 
Requirements: 

Race: Any 
Base Attack Bonus: +4 
Bluff: 3 
Knowledge (Dragonlance): 5 

Knowledge (alt.fan.dragonlance): 8 
Special: Because of their, ehm, personality a bitter dino cannot
have the diplomacy skill.
A bitter dino must have not only been a member of the
alt.fan.dragonlance community
for at at least three years, but they also must be thoroughly
disenchanted with how
Wizards of the Coast has handled Dragonlance.

Class Skills: The bitter dino’s class skills (and the key ability
for each skill) are Bluff (CHA),
Knowledge (Dragonlance) (INT), Knowledge (alt.fan.dragonlance old
topics and denizens) (INT),
and Intimidate (CHA). 

Weapon and Armor Proficiency: No weapons.  A dino’s bark is worse
than his bite. As a dino must
be ready for battle at any time, the bitter dino may wear any armor
and use any shield. 

Table: The Bitter Dino 
Base            Attack Fort   Ref    Will 
Class Level  Bonus  Save  Save  Save   Special `-----------   ----- 
  ----   ----    ----    ------- 
1st               +0        +0     +0     +2     Detect Newbie 
2nd              +1        +0    +0      +3     Detect Dino 
3rd              +1         +1    +1      +3    RTFF, Favored Topic
4th               +2        +1    +1      +4    Preach to the Converted
5th               +2        +1    +1      +4    Flame On! 
6th               +3        +2    +2      +5    Reveal Lurkers 
7th               +3        +2    +2      +5    Invisibility to
Authors who need criticism 
8th               +4        +2    +2      +6    Invisibility to WoTC 
9th               +4        +3    +3      +6    Endless Rant 
10th             +5        +3    +3      +7    Total Flame War 

Detect Newbie: One of the first abilities that a bitter dino gains
is to detect the presence of newbies.
THE ALL CAPS GIVE IT AWAY!!! 

Detect Dino: A bitter dino then gains the ability to detect others
of their kind. 

RTFF: One of the first offensive abilities a dino learns is to
respond to newbies posts with RTFF`(READ THE F@#%ING FAQ!) 

Favored Topic: Choose one topic in the Dragonlance saga and an
opinion on the matter. They gain a +2 fanaticism bonus to flame when
posting on this topic. 

Preach to the Converted: The fine art of trying to get people to
believe something they already believe comes quite naturally to the
dinos of alt.fan.dragonlance. The dino chooses a subject that most
people can agree on and posts about it whenever possible. 

Flame On!: The dino been doing this so long, online arguments have
become second nature. The dino gains both a +2 bonus to any flame
and an additional +2 fanaticism bonus to flame an argument of their
favored topic.

Reveal Lurkers: Now the dino has the ability to make statements that
can cause Lurkers to post. When a dino uses this ability, Lurkers
have to save using their willpower -2 or post their opinion about
the topic. 

Invisibility to Authors who Need Criticism: At this point, the dino
is so bitter that the people who might profit from their criticism
start to ignore them. This of course does not imply in any way that
the dino does not have anything to contribute, just that people
ignore their opinions.

Invisibility to WoTC: Wizards of the coast no longer listens to any
advice from the bitter dino, they can't even get people who are paid
to talk to customers to listen to them anymore. 

Endless Rant: Near the pinnacle of dino power they gain the ability
to rant forever about their favored topic. The only limiting factor
is their stamina. The dino may rant until they collapse.

Ignite War: While not really a secret, attaining this ability is the
pinnacle of being a dino. At this level the dino understands the
newsgroup and other dinos so well you can cause flame wars to erupt
for months just from a single post. A prime example: Stig’s
"Raistlin is a woman" post. Everyone reading the post presenting the
dino's idea must make a willpower save at -5 to avoid joining in the
war.

-WildChild, longtime member and Bitter Dino of alt.fan.dragonlance &
the official DL Mailing List :)

-WC

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Random facts
date: Wed Mar  7 20:08:38 2001

The most played song on American radio during the twentieth century
was You've Lost That
                          Loving Feeling which was written by Barry
Mann, Phil Spector, and Cynthia Weil. Although
                          recorded by different artists, the song is
the only one in history to be played over 8 million times
                          on the radio. That amounts to about 45
years if the song was played back to back! Three songs
                          were played 7 million times: Never My
Love, Yesterday, and Stand By Me (in that order). 

                          Weird" Al Yankovic received a Bachelor's
degree in Architecture in 1981. He also served as
                          valedictorian of his high school at age 16. 

                          From space, the brightest man-made place
is Las Vegas, Nevada. 

                          The five most stolen items in a drugstore
are batteries, cosmetics, film, sunglasses, and, get
                          this, Preparation H. Apparently people are
just too embarrassed to purchase the last item. And,
                          just in case you are curious, one of
Preparation H's main ingredient is shark liver oil. The oil not
                          only helps shrink hemorrhoids, but will
shrink any tissue. As a result, many older women in
                          Florida use the stuff to help reduce the
appearance of wrinkles! 

                          In four separate instances between October
1987 and February 1988, small pink frogs rained
                          down from the sky on to various parts of
Great Britain. Scientists are still uncertain as to where
                          these frogs originated, although some have
traced them back to the Sahara desert

                          Two hundred and twenty six soldiers lost
their lives way back in 1850 when they crossed a
                          suspension bridge that spanned the Maine
at Angers, France. It turns out that they were all
                          marching in step and had caused an
increased resonance (vibration) to the bridge. Ever since,
                          troops are ordered to rout step (march out
of step) when crossing a bridge.

-----------------

poster: Chemosh
subject: one for the ladies
date: Fri Mar  9 09:41:40 2001


>
>  In a recent Harris On-line poll, 38,562 men across the US were asked
to
> identify woman's ultimate fantasy.
>
>  97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to
have
> two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological

> study, it appears that most men do not realize that, in this fantasy,
one
> man is cooking and the other is cleaning.


-----------------

poster: Alisha
subject: Drug Use & Pregnancy
date: Mon Mar 12 07:23:10 2001

http://www.foggys-funnies.com/o/drugs/

-----------------

poster: Nyx
subject: Wanna Kiss A Mirror?
date: Tue Mar 13 05:52:41 2001

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced
with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use
lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but
after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the
mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal
decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to
the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She
explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for
the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To
demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a
long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned
the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.


-----------------

poster: Skillz
subject: womanium
date: Tue Mar 13 13:14:24 2001

Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and
may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used
well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly stable. Possesses strong affinity
with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone.
Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when
placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of
wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!

Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature but gets bent out of shape
easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.
Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as
younger samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also
tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD
(Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by
saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to
produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to

smell.

-----------------

poster: Einar
subject: The guys ears
date: Wed Mar 14 09:25:13 2001

Why did the guy put condoms on his ears?






So he didn't get hearing AIDS

-----------------

poster: Bahgtru
subject: One for the Women
date: Thu Mar 15 09:05:25 2001

Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
I can justify any shopping spree

Don't go to a barber, but a beauty Salon
Can get a massage without a hard-on
I can balance the checkbook, can pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass

My beauty's a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long
At least I can admit to others when I am wrong
I don't drive in circles at any cost
And I don't have a problem admittim I'm lost

I never forget an important date
You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
Don't need instant replay to remember the score

I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch,
And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch

I don't wear the same underwear everyday
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay
Don't burp, don't belch, and I certainly don't fart,
Ballet, not football, is what I consider an art

Don't say to your friends
Oh yeah, I can get her
In your dreams buddy
I can do better!

Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's best
Damnit look at my face!
Not at my chest

I don't have a problem
Expressing my feelings
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling

Don't call me a girl,
A babe or a chick
I AM A WOMAN
Get it, you prick?!

-----------------

poster: Chemosh
subject: Those Aussies!
date: Fri Mar 16 08:30:18 2001

and you thought the crocodile hunter was cool.. wait till yyou read
about this Aussie


The Man Who Fell to Earth
Christine Kenneally on the man who plans to skydive from space
NEXT YEAR, Rodd Millner, an Australian ex-commando, plans to one-up the
American hero Chuck Yeager, the first person to travel faster than the
speed of sound. In a stunt that will either redefine the boundaries of
science or the boundaries of idiocy, Millner intends to don a space suit
and ride a balloon 130,000 feet up to the edge of space. Once he gets
there, he will jump. An experienced skydiver, speedboat racer, scuba diver,
and, before that, an insurance salesman, Millner believes that he will
reach a speed of between 700 and 900 miles per hour within one minute of
leaping from the balloon. If he is successful, he will be the first human
to break the sound barrier sans vehicle.

Why? "Because it can be done," said Millner in an interview on Tuesday. The
idea occurred to him two years ago. "I was reading a Richard Branson book,
and he stated that the last aeronautical challenge was to go around the
world in one go. But I always thought balloons were meant to go up, and
then the questions just started coming, like how high can a balloon go? And
then, being a skydiver, I thought, 'I wonder if I could skydive down!'" The
thirty-six-year-old, who sounds both good-humored and sane, will soon
embark on a nine-month training program in which he'll undergo hundreds of
practice skydives. Starting with "clean skin" jumps, Millner and the "Space
Jump" team will gradually increase the equipment that he carries. Ideally,
any problems will be identified before the final ascent -- which should
take around two and a half hours -- and descent -- which should take less
than ten minutes.

There is much that can go wrong, both on the way up and on the way down.
Millner, who will depart from a purpose-built Australian Defense Force
(ADF) launch facility in central Australia, will ride up in a small gondola
attached to a helium balloon made of expandable plastic. Though lighter
than air, the balloon is a behemoth (imagine ten helium-filled Washington
Monuments side by side). With a volume of twelve million cubic feet, it
will be visible to the naked eye from ground level even when it is at
maximum altitude.

Maximum altitude will be higher than four Everests stacked one on top of
the other, and Millner will pass through various regions of the atmosphere
to reach it. The most difficult region may be the tropopause (between
40,000 and 52,000 feet). With a temperature of approximately -80 C, it
doesn't get colder anywhere on earth. At 130,000 feet, what little
atmosphere is left will be slightly warmer at -30 C. Why stop at 130,000?
The balloon can't float much higher. The dissipating atmosphere means there
is nothing for it to float through. Left alone, the balloon would bob at
that altitude indefinitely. However, once Millner has exited, it will be
deflated by remote control, allowing the gondola to return to earth by
parachute.

The Space Jump team refuse to discuss funding sources for their
multi-million dollar project, but they are keen to promote the giant format
film that will result from it. Millner will be wearing a specially designed
suit equipped with a number of cameras, and in addition to the
falling-man-cam, his big dive will be filmed by remote controlled cameras
in the balloon gondola, a high-altitude Lear Jet at 40,000 feet,
low-altitude craft at 10,000 feet, a team of skydivers (themselves falling
from 40,000 feet), and by cameras on the ground.

Of course, cameras are the least important part of the suit. In order to
protect its occupant from extreme cold and pressure variation, the outfit
will be three-layered and pressurized. At this stage, Space Jump will not
release any more details about it, but common sense dictates that Millner
will require an oxygen supply. One thing is certain, if the suit fails him,
he will die.

U. S. Air Force Captain Joe W. Kittinger wore a pressurized suit when he
successfully jumped 102,000 feet from a balloon in 1960. Kittinger did not
break the sound barrier, but there is a good chance that Millner will.
Because the speed of sound varies with altitude and temperature, it will
initially decrease as Millner accelerates towards the earth, reaching an
approximate minimum of 660 miles per hour at around 80,000 feet (it's about
760 miles per hour at ground level). Will he outrace sound? "Yes," says
Millner. "It should be a really smooth transition. Because the atmosphere
is so thin up there, there's no resistance to slow me down so I'll fall at
those speeds. As I get into the thicker atmosphere it will gradually slow
me down to normal speed." Other effects, like the physiological outcome of
accelerating from zero to possibly 900 miles an hour in less than a minute
and exceeding the sound threshold (and then going back through it), are yet
to be determined. "We're taking the human body where it's neve
r been before," said Millner, "and ultimately, we don't know."

It's extremely unlikely that when Millner breaks the sound barrier he will
generate a sonic boom -- the explosive and audible shock wave that occurs
when an object begins to move faster than the sound it propagates. Because
a sonic boom is a function of the size and shape of an object, Millner's
small size (relative to a plane) means his fall may be marked not by a boom
but a pop. The intrepid Aussie expects to have full radio communication
with the team all the way down. He will steer with his body, like a normal
skydiver, and he hopes to open his parachute -- a normal skydiving rig
(with one backup) -- at about 5,000 feet. Millner expects the thickening
atmosphere to slow him down to a little over 120 miles per hour by the time
he pulls the cord.

If he succeeds, Millner will set a number of records. In addition to being
the first human being to break the sound barrier wearing little more than a
jumpsuit, he'll be the highest balloonist (the previous record for a manned
balloon flight is 121,390 feet) and the furthest free faller. The Space
Jump team claims that Millner's dive will advance knowledge and perhaps
help develop escape strategies for astronauts. How? "That's a question for
the scientists," says Millner, whose main issue is: "Can I do this?" As for
where he'll land, the official guess is within 50 feet of the launch site.
"But I'll be basically aiming for the planet Earth," Millner said, "and
trying to hit it." If he reaches 130,000 feet, he will certainly hit it.
The only question is: how!


tomo

-----------------

poster: Bahgtru
subject: >Those Aussies!
date: Sat Mar 17 02:13:18 2001

On Fri Mar 16 08:30:18 2001 Chemosh wrote post #223:
> and you thought the crocodile hunter was cool.. wait till yyou read
> about this Aussie
> 
> 
> The Man Who Fell to Earth
> Christine Kenneally on the man who plans to skydive from space
> NEXT YEAR, Rodd Millner, an Australian ex-commando, plans to one-up the
> American hero Chuck Yeager, the first person to travel faster than the
> speed of sound. In a stunt that will either redefine the boundaries of
> science or the boundaries of idiocy, Millner intends to don a space suit
> and ride a balloon 130,000 feet up to the edge of space. Once he gets
> there, he will jump. An experienced skydiver, speedboat racer, scuba diver,
> and, before that, an insurance salesman, Millner believes that he will
> reach a speed of between 700 and 900 miles per hour within one minute of
> leaping from the balloon. If he is successful, he will be the first human
> to break the sound barrier sans vehicle.
> 
> Why? "Because it can be done," said Millner in an interview on Tuesday. The
> idea occurred to him two years ago. "I was reading a Richard Branson book,
> and he stated that the last aeronautical challenge was to go around the
> world in one go. But I always thought balloons were meant to go up, and
> then the questions just started coming, like how high can a balloon go? And
> then, being a skydiver, I thought, 'I wonder if I could skydive down!'" The
> thirty-six-year-old, who sounds both good-humored and sane, will soon
> embark on a nine-month training program in which he'll undergo hundreds of
> practice skydives. Starting with "clean skin" jumps, Millner and the "Space
> Jump" team will gradually increase the equipment that he carries. Ideally,
> any problems will be identified before the final ascent -- which should
> take around two and a half hours -- and descent -- which should take less
> than ten minutes.
> 
> There is much that can go wrong, both on the way up and on the way down.
> Millner, who will depart from a purpose-built Australian Defense Force
> (ADF) launch facility in central Australia, will ride up in a small gondola
> attached to a helium balloon made of expandable plastic. Though lighter
> than air, the balloon is a behemoth (imagine ten helium-filled Washington
> Monuments side by side). With a volume of twelve million cubic feet, it
> will be visible to the naked eye from ground level even when it is at
> maximum altitude.
> 
> Maximum altitude will be higher than four Everests stacked one on top of
> the other, and Millner will pass through various regions of the atmosphere
> to reach it. The most difficult region may be the tropopause (between
> 40,000 and 52,000 feet). With a temperature of approximately -80 C, it
> doesn't get colder anywhere on earth. At 130,000 feet, what little
> atmosphere is left will be slightly warmer at -30 C. Why stop at 130,000?
> The balloon can't float much higher. The dissipating atmosphere means there
> is nothing for it to float through. Left alone, the balloon would bob at
> that altitude indefinitely. However, once Millner has exited, it will be
> deflated by remote control, allowing the gondola to return to earth by
> parachute.
> 
> The Space Jump team refuse to discuss funding sources for their
> multi-million dollar project, but they are keen to promote the giant format
> film that will result from it. Millner will be wearing a specially designed
> suit equipped with a number of cameras, and in addition to the
> falling-man-cam, his big dive will be filmed by remote controlled cameras
> in the balloon gondola, a high-altitude Lear Jet at 40,000 feet,
> low-altitude craft at 10,000 feet, a team of skydivers (themselves falling
> from 40,000 feet), and by cameras on the ground.
> 
> Of course, cameras are the least important part of the suit. In order to
> protect its occupant from extreme cold and pressure variation, the outfit
> will be three-layered and pressurized. At this stage, Space Jump will not
> release any more details about it, but common sense dictates that Millner
> will require an oxygen supply. One thing is certain, if the suit fails him,
> he will die.
> 
> U. S. Air Force Captain Joe W. Kittinger wore a pressurized suit when he
> successfully jumped 102,000 feet from a balloon in 1960. Kittinger did not
> break the sound barrier, but there is a good chance that Millner will.
> Because the speed of sound varies with altitude and temperature, it will
> initially decrease as Millner accelerates towards the earth, reaching an
> approximate minimum of 660 miles per hour at around 80,000 feet (it's about
> 760 miles per hour at ground level). Will he outrace sound? "Yes," says
> Millner. "It should be a really smooth transition. Because the atmosphere
> is so thin up there, there's no resistance to slow me down so I'll fall at
> those speeds. As I get into the thicker atmosphere it will gradually slow
> me down to normal speed." Other effects, like the physiological outcome of
> accelerating from zero to possibly 900 miles an hour in less than a minute
> and exceeding the sound threshold (and then going back through it), are yet
> to be determined. "We're taking the human body where it's neve
> r been before," said Millner, "and ultimately, we don't know."
> 
> It's extremely unlikely that when Millner breaks the sound barrier he will
> generate a sonic boom -- the explosive and audible shock wave that occurs
> when an object begins to move faster than the sound it propagates. Because
> a sonic boom is a function of the size and shape of an object, Millner's
> small size (relative to a plane) means his fall may be marked not by a boom
> but a pop. The intrepid Aussie expects to have full radio communication
> with the team all the way down. He will steer with his body, like a normal
> skydiver, and he hopes to open his parachute -- a normal skydiving rig
> (with one backup) -- at about 5,000 feet. Millner expects the thickening
> atmosphere to slow him down to a little over 120 miles per hour by the time
> he pulls the cord.
> 
> If he succeeds, Millner will set a number of records. In addition to being
> the first human being to break the sound barrier wearing little more than a
> jumpsuit, he'll be the highest balloonist (the previous record for a manned
> balloon flight is 121,390 feet) and the furthest free faller. The Space
> Jump team claims that Millner's dive will advance knowledge and perhaps
> help develop escape strategies for astronauts. How? "That's a question for
> the scientists," says Millner, whose main issue is: "Can I do this?" As for
> where he'll land, the official guess is within 50 feet of the launch site.
> "But I'll be basically aiming for the planet Earth," Millner said, "and
> trying to hit it." If he reaches 130,000 feet, he will certainly hit it.
> The only question is: how!
> 
> 
> tomo
You do realise that a guy did that? I saw da video... anyway, he
wasn't Australian born. He was a CANADIAN!

-----------------

poster: Smee
subject: Smeat
date: Sat Mar 17 20:53:02 2001


  http://mirror.yellow5.com/archive/index157.html

-----------------

poster: Chemosh
subject: st pats
date: Mon Mar 19 09:36:18 2001



                 ST. PATRICK'S DAY SELF-HELP GUIDE

                 St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year
                 when the 2% of the world's population that's Irish gets the
                 other 98% completely sh*tfaced.

                 Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m.
                 Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and
                 liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and
                 powders afterwards, because by 3p.m., you will be excreting
                 raw alcohol and other poisons, and without
                 proper preparations, you will smell like a
                 three-day dead cat wrapped in a fraternity carpet.

                 The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare. Collect
                 the following supplies and put them in a place where you
                 will easily be able to find it in an impaired condition. We
                 recommend the bathroom floor, between the
                 toilet and the baseboard heater, since that's where you'll
                 probably end up:

                 1 quart spring water
                 1 bottle aspirin
                 5 pairs Depends undergarment
                 1 bottle Percocet
                 1 gram morphine sulphate
                 1 oz. human adrenaline extract
                 1 precharged electric defibrillator
                 4 Cardiac needles
                 1 trauma surgeon

                 Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish
                 whisky, drink. Note that coffee should be drunk liberally
                 throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish
                 invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a
                 large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course
                 of St. Patrick's Day, you are going to die.

                 Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the
                 bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot stress enough that you should not
                 drink and drive. There is no reason to chance
losing your license or
                 killing someone in a drunken state when you have plenty of
                 idiot friends willing to take that risk on your behalf.

                 Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m.
                 Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an
                 Irish bar if at all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is
                 the best alternative, since Boston in Gaelic means West
                 Kilarney. However, almost every city in America has bars
                 called The Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or The Dirty Mick.
                 Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is probably owned by
                 Koreans.

                 Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any
                 circumstances. The bar is liable to be packed by noon, and
                 real Irish people do not wait in line for drinks, no matter
                 what the consequences. While we do recommend the use of an
                 adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really
                 doesn't matter. By afternoon, you'll be sopping wet with
                 spilled beer anyway, and your mild urine smell will be
                 completely overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit.

                 We recommend starting out with a few more Irish Coffees to
                 spike the stimulant level, however, you should not order an
                 "Irish Coffee," as you will be given a fruity little glass
                 mug topped with whipped cream and a cherry, and some guy
                 named Seamus will call you a yuppie poseur while putting a
                 cigarette out on your neck. Ask for coffee with whisky and
                 ask the bartender to leave the whipped cream can, as
                 nothing will add spice to your day like the
occasional whippet.

                 Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.
                 It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important
                 to eat something, because like Sheriff Bart said in Blazing
                 Saddles:" Man drink like that, and don't eat, he is
going to die."

                 If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous,
                 bloated feeling that could slow down your drinking, there
                 are only two options: popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the
                 carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both will
                 soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both have names
                 that are hard to slur. If you start slurring your words too
                 early, you'll hear the most frightening phrase in the
                 English language on St. Patrick's Day besides I'm pregnant:
                 "You're cut off".

                 By now, you should switch off of coffee
                 drinks to beer. You have only one option here:
Guinness stout.
                 You may be tempted to order green beer, but remember:
                 beer doesn't always turn green because of food colouring.


                 Leg 3: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.
                 By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take long
                 lunches and bail out of work early to tie
                 one on. If you're doing your job correctly, the bar should
                 look twice or three times as crowded as it really is.

                 By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish
                 people, since the person you came with has
                 likely been taken away by ambulance. Some
conversational points
                 to
                 remember when talking to the Irish are: Football really
                 means Soccer, and you should be more passionate about it
                 than you are about your wife or husband, AND
                 The English are all piss-arsed bastards who
                 should be lined up and kicked into the Liffey.

                 If you remember those two points, as well at least three
                 derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the
                 Irish for hours. You should continue to drink Guinness
                 throughout this leg, although you may want to have another
                 Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has become irregular.


                 The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing
                 Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the
                 bar at closing time. This will be impossible, since a blood
                 alcohol content of .50 usually equals death,
                 and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by now.

                 The only way for a true Irishman to leave at
                 closing time with honour is to be hauled away by the police.
                 Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why; no
                 one's made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You will be
                 beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control has been
                 gone since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you
                 can't feel anything.

                 Depending on your community, the police should arrive
                 within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap
                 you in irons. The final impression you leave is the most
                 important: as you are being dragged from the bar, begin
                 screaming that you want to take your drink with you. You
                 will be a legend, and by now the friend who
                 took you to the bar should have had his or her stomach
                 pumped, and will be able to bail you out.

                 By following these simple guidelines, your
                 St. Patrick's Day experience would be one you would never
                 forget if it weren't physically and biologically

                 impossible for you to remember any of it.


-----------------

poster: Chemosh
subject: hangover scale
date: Mon Mar 19 14:27:52 2001

i found something to scale my monday mornings by...

>THE HANGOVER SCALE:
>
>
>1 star hangover *
>
>No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere 
>disco
>nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you
>are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched.You
>can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are
>craving a cheeseburger and a side of fries.
>
>
>
>
>2 star hangover **
>
>No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the
>attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try
>and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving
>a full-on English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels 
>and
>even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing 
>your
>employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly
>surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
>
>
>
>
>3 star hangover ***
>
>Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and
>so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
>reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends
>after the bouncer kicked you out at 3:45 a.m. Life would be better right 
>now
>if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching
>cartoons. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls
>and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't pee'd once.
>
>
>
>
>
>4 star hangover ****
>
>You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak
>too quickly or else you might honk. Your boss has already lambasted you for
>being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice
>clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so-crucial
>spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding
>the dodgem cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one
>big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class
>picture of a secondary school circa 19'76. You would give a weeks pay
>for one the following -
>1. Home time
>2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone.
>3. a time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night 
>before.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>5 star hangover, aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell.*****
>
>You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the
>employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every
>pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners 
>of your
>mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate
>saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would
>take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good
>right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think
>that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have 
>called
>in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe...very 
>gently.
>
>

tom


-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Deep Thoughts
date: Tue Mar 20 05:41:30 2001

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
take my little nephew to
                           Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an
old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said,
                           "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a
                           pretty good joke. I started to drive over
to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. 

                           I hope life isn't a big joke, because I
don't get it. 

                           To me, it's always a good idea to always
carry two sacks of something when you walk around.
                           That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you
give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these
                           sacks." 

                           I hope some animal never bores a hole in
my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because
                           later you might think you're having a
good idea but it's just eggs hatching. 

                           Children need encouragement. So if a kid
gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess.
                           That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling. 

                           I bet a fun thing would be to go way back
in time to where there was going to be an eclipse
                           and tell the cave men, "If I have come to
destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the
                           sky." Just then the eclipse would start,
and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but
                           then you could explain about the rotation
of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good
                           laugh. 

                           I remember one day I was at Grandpa's
farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and
                           said, "Maybe instead of telling you what
sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and
                           I'll show you." So we did, and there on
the ground were my parents having sex. 

I  bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while
you're in midair, you still hit those
                           brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!


                           If I was being executed by injection, I'd
clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to
                           get me I'd say "Injection? I thought you
said "inspection". They'd probably feel really bad and
                           maybe I'd get out of it

                           If you ever drop your keys into a river
of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone

-----------------

poster: Chemosh
subject: morale of the story....
date: Tue Mar 20 08:41:24 2001


>
> There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn one day, when she
> happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure.  Since it had been hours
> since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the
> irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.
>
> She ate...
> And ate...
> and then .. she ate some more!!!
>
> Finally, she decided she'd had plenty.  She washed her face with her tiny
> front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.  But
> alas...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.
>
> She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation
when
> she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.  She'd
found
> a solution!!
>
> She realized if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again.
> So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle.  Once there, she
> took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into
> the air.  She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor...
Dead
> Fly....
>
> The moral of this sad story? "Never fly off the handle when you know
you're
> full of shit.


-----------------

poster: Chemosh
subject: a few jokes
date: Tue Mar 20 08:50:07 2001


> Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks,
> 
> "How much land do you have here?"
> 
> "About two acres" Jock replies.
> 
> "You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch !" the
> American boasts.
> 
> "Aye", says Jock " I once had a car like that."
> 





> > A woman is shopping in the local supermarket.
> > 
> > She selects some milk,  some eggs, a carton of 
> > juice, and a packet of
> > bacon.
> > 
> > As she unloads her items at the cash register to
> > pay, a man standing behind
> > her in line watches her place the four items on the
> > belt and states with
> > assurance, "You must be single."
> > 
> > The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and
> > seeing nothing unusual
> > about her selection says,  "That's right. How on
> > earth did you know?"
> > 
> > He replies, "Because you're ugly."
> > 




>> A man came walking up to his grandparent's house when he noticed his
>> grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, with nothing on from
>> the waist down.
>> "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the
>> distance without answering.
>> 
>> "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the
>> waist?" he asked again.
>> 
>> The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here
>> with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."



> > > A high school English teacher reminded her class of  the final exam
> > that
> > > would be given the following day.  She told the class that there
> > would be
> > > no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness,
> > or a
> > > death in the student's immediate family.
> > >
> > > A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme
> > sexual
> > > exhaustion?"
> > >
> > > The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and
> > snickering.
> > >
> > > When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the
> > > student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "Not an excuse. You can
> > write
> > > with your other hand."





> Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
> instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop
> of
> paint on their habits.
> After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the
> door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the
> middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?",
> calls
> one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the
> door.
> 
> The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can
> come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice
> tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
> 




> A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening. She was knitting; he
> was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the
> page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in
> which the female achieves orgasm?".
> She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies "Oh yeah? Prove it!"
> He frowns for a moment, then says, "Ok". He then gets up and walks out,
> leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
> About half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and says, "Well
> I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed, it's
> hard to tell".




-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Books
date: Wed Mar 21 18:24:48 2001

I know this has been posted ages ago, but it's soooooooooooooooooooo funny.

"Little Golden Books That Never Made It"

1. You Are Different and That's Bad 
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables 
3. Dad's New Wife Robert 
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share 
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book 
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking 
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her 
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence 
9. All Cats Go to Hell 
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched 
11. Some Kittens Can Fly 
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption 
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket 
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator 
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia 
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy 
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy 
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way 
19. You Were an Accident 
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will 
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games 
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan 
23. Your Nightmares Are Real 
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried? 
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School 
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? 
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things 
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry 

-----------------

poster: Wildchild
subject: The Atheist and the bear
date: Thu Mar 22 02:12:27 2001

An aetheist was talking a walk through the woods, admiring all that
the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What
powerful rivers! What beautify animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the
bush behind him. As he turned to look, he saw a 7-foot Grizzly
charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path.
He looked over his should and saw that the bear was closing in on
him. He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming
to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was
even closer.
His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run faster yet. But
he tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up
and saw the bear right on top of him, raising a huge paw to kill
him.

At that instant he cried out, "Oh my God!"

Just then, time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. The
river even stopped moving.
A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice from the sky said,
"You deny my existence all of these years, teach others that I don't
exist, and even credit my creation to a "cosmic accident", and now
you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you
as a Believer?"

The aetheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said, "It
would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all
these years, but could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well", said the Voice. As the light went out, the river ran,
and the sounds of the forest continued.

The bear put its paw down. The bear then brought both paws together,
lowered its head, and said: "Lord, I thank you for this food which I
am about to receive..."

-----------------

poster: Einar
subject: ELIZA
date: Thu Mar 22 08:17:05 2001

http://www-ai.ijs.si/eliza/eliza.html
If your bored with normal chat...

-----------------

poster: Chemosh
subject: jokes aleila would like....
date: Fri Mar 23 13:07:37 2001



;                     > >> >  > Two Aerials met on a roof, fell in love, &
> >> >  > got married. The ceremony
> >> >  > was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
> >> >  >
> >> >  > Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says
> >> >  > to the other:
> >> >  > 'Does this taste funny to you?'
> >> >  >
> >> >  > Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry
> >> >  > growing out of his head.
> >> >  > Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it';                 
   > >> >  >;                     > >> >  > "Doc, I can't stop singing "the
green green;                     > >> >  > grass of home."
> >> >  > "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
> >> >  > "Is it common?"
> >> >  > "It's not unusual."
> >> >  >
> >> >  > Two cows standing next to each other in a
> >> >  > field, Daisy said to Dolly
> >> >  > "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
> >> >  > "I don't believe you," said Dolly
> >> >  > "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
> >> >  >
> >> >  > A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing
> >> >  > only clingfilm for shorts.
> >> >  > The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see;                     >
>> >  > you're nuts."
> >> >  >
> >> >  > A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
> >> >  > "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you;                     >
>> >  > can do for him?"
> >> >  > "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
> >> >  > So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
> >> >  > then checks his teeth.
> >> >  > Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him;                   
 > >> >  > down."
> >> >  > "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
> >> >  > "No, because he's bloody heavy."
> >> >  >
> >> >  > Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One
> >> >  > says, 'I think I've lost an electron.';                     > >> >
 > The other says 'Are you sure?';                     > >> >  > The first
says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'
> >> >  >
> >> >  > Guy goes into the doctor's.;                     > >> >  > "Doc,
I've got a cricket ball stuck up my ar$e";                     > >> >  >
"How's that?";                     > >> >  > "Don't you start";             
       > >> >  >;                     > >> >  > Two fat blokes in a pub, one
says to the;                     > >> >  > other "your round.";             
       > >> >  > The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d"
> 
> 




-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Canadian Beer
date: Sun Mar 25 18:45:59 2001

After the North American Beer Festival, all the
brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. 
The guy fromCorona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, 
I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The 
bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and 
gives it to him. The guy from
Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world,
give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The
bartender gives him one. The guy from Fosters
says "Hey mate, gimme a Fosters" The bartender
pours him a glass of apple juice. The guy from Coors 
says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain
spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from
Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The
bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him
what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look
over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a
Molson's?" The Molson president replies, "Well, I
figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither
would I.

-----------------

poster: Chemosh
subject: nerd
date: Sun Mar 25 23:49:48 2001

;Subject: Everything you ever suspected about Weather forcasters...
;;;;It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked
their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. ;;Since
he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught
the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell
what the weather was going to be. ;;Nevertheless, to be on the safe
side, he replied to his tribe that the ;winter was indeed going to
be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to
be prepared. ;;But also being a practical leader, after several days
he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National
Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
;;"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the
meteorologist at the weather service ;responded. ;;So the Chief went
back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order
to be prepared. ;;A week later he called the National Weather
Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" ;;"Yes," the
man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a
very cold winter." ;;The Chief again went back to his people and
ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. ;;Two
weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you
absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
;;"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the
coldest winters ever. ;;"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
;;The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like
crazy." 




-----------------

poster: Kazulanth
subject: If you can..
date: Mon Mar 26 06:28:29 2001

If you can start the day without caffeine...
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains...
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles...
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it...
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you
any time...
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you, when
through no fault of your own,    something goes wrong...
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment...
If you can ignore a friends limited education and never correct him...
If you can face the world without lies and deceit...
If you can conquer tension without medical help...
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs...
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no
prejudice against creed, color,    religion or politics...
If you can give love unconditionally without pressure or expectations...
Then my friend......

You are almost as good as your DOG.

-----------------

poster: Lostego
subject: Small Laughs
date: Mon Mar 26 06:31:12 2001

Life is like a dick when I gets hard fuck it.
No sex is safe fex but if your gonna have sex use a latex.
eat body
Hmm forgot the rest

-----------------

poster: Chemosh
subject: cricket
date: Tue Mar 27 08:05:31 2001

   ;;;;BM__MailData;SHOCK CLAIMS - Bookies paid Bradman to throw his
life;;MUMBAI, Thursday: The cricket world is again in turmoil after
reports;that Sir Donald Bradman accepted money from bookmakers to
throw his own;life.;The world-renowned batsman was looking very
comfortable on 92, when he;all of a sudden died carelessly. The
death has raised the suspicions of;Indian police who thought it was
unusual for Bradman not to reach 100.;"If you watch replays of the
death very closely," said one police;investigator, you'll notice how
dubious it looks. In all his life he'd;never once died before. It's
completely out of character.";The International Cricket Committee
has questioned whether the coroners;were too quick to attribute the
death to pneumonia. It thinks they should;instead have called on the
third coroner to give the decision. The;possibility that Bradman was
involved in death-fixing has indelibly shaken;the;Australian Test
team. "I always thought I was our country's only corr
ptible;player," said Mark Waugh.;It's believed Waugh recently
received some new cash payments in return;for providing corruption
information to police. Waugh was interviewed;extensively last night
about a man who approached Bradman shortly;before his death, and who
only identified himself as "John". Police were;told by Waugh that
this was just the Prime Minister.;Spin bowler Shane Warne was also
approached by police, but declined to;answer their questions. He
told them he had nothing but the utmost;respect for Bradman, who he
described as Australia's greatest ever f$%*ing;arsey  c$%t.;Former
Test captain Mark Taylor also paid tribute to the late Sir;Donald,
vowing to kill himself when he turns 92 so as to never outdo
the;Bradman legacy.;;;;


-----------------

poster: Thomas
subject: Word Strategy
date: Tue Mar 27 23:06:22 2001

Members of a avian species of an identical plumage congregate.
Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
It is fruitless to become lacrymose over precipitately departed lactose fluid.
Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
The temperature of the aqueos content of unremittingly ogled sacepan
does not ever reach 212 degrees F.

All articles that corruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.

Where there are visible vapors having their provenence in ignited
carbonacous materials, there is conglagration.

Selecting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.


A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniches
citate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain
comestibles.

Elleeomosynary deeds have their invipience in the domicile.

Male cadavers are incapable of probviding and testimony.

-----------------

poster: Debacle
subject: The Sacrifice
date: Wed Mar 28 09:28:19 2001

Cause Chemosh is always posting up hilarious jokes, i thought i
would do my part =)

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face
;was severely burned.  The doctor told the husband that they
couldn't ;graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. 
;;So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However,
the ;only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would
have ;to come from his buttocks.;;The husband and wife agreed that
they would tell no one about where ;the skin came from, and
requested that the doctor also honor their ;secret. After all, this
was a very delicate matter.;;After the surgery was completed,
everyone was astounded at the woman's ;new beauty.  She looked more
beautiful than she ever had before! All ;her friends and relatives
just went on and on about her youthful beauty!;;One day, she was
alone with her husband, and she was overcome with ;emotion at his
sacrifice.  She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for
;everything you did for me.   There is no way I could ever repay
you.";;"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it.  I get all
the thanks I ;need every time I see your mother kiss you on the
cheek.";

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Yo Mamma
date: Wed Mar 28 22:50:46 2001

Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass she has to make two trips. 
Yo mama's so fat, when she dances she makes the band skip. 
Yo mama's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh 
eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live. 
Yo mama's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin. 
Yo mama's so fat, her ass has its own congressman. 
Yo mama's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard. 
Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the zoo the elephants 
throw her peanuts. 
Yo mama's so fat, her high school graduation picture was an 
aerial photograph. 
Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says "Picture 
continued on other side." 
Yo mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs. 
Yo mama's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a 
Twinkie on the other side to get her through. 
Yo mama's so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of 
her butt 
cheeks. 
Yo mama's so fat, instead of Levi's 501 jeans she wears Levi's 1002s. 
Yo mama's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that 
say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons, OR Yo Mama" 
Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four 
sides of the milk carton. 
Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down. 
Yo mama's so fat, when your father mounts her his ears pop. 
Yo mama's so fat, she's not allowed to wear a Malcolm X shirt 
because helicopters keep trying to land on her. 
Yo mama's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth. 
Yo mama's so fat, she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her. 
Yo mama's so fat, when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing 
through the wall. 
Yo mama's so fat, she could sell shade. 
Yo mama's so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her. 
Yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise. 
Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost 
Yo mama's so fat, she gets runs in her jeans. 
Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu. 
Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't 
get a menu, she gets an estimate. 
Yo mama's so fat, if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to 
take his word for it! 
Yo mama's so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang. 
Yo mama's so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a 
welcome-back party. 
Yo mama's so fat, her nickname is "DAMN!" 
Yo mama's so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway. 
Yo mama's so fat, the shadow of her ass weighs 100 pounds. 
Yo mama's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion. 
Yo mama's so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone. 
Yo mama's so fat, her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters. 
Yo mama's so fat, when God said "Let there be light" he told 
her to move her fat ass out da way. 
Yo mama's so fat, her carpool is a cattle truck. 

-----------------

poster: Rizzly
subject: >Yo Mamma
date: Thu Mar 29 01:37:17 2001

On Wed Mar 28 22:50:46 2001 Javier wrote post #251:
> Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass she has to make two trips. 
> Yo mama's so fat, when she dances she makes the band skip. 
> Yo mama's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh 
> eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live. 
> Yo mama's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin. 
> Yo mama's so fat, her ass has its own congressman. 
> Yo mama's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard. 
> Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the zoo the elephants 
> throw her peanuts. 
> Yo mama's so fat, her high school graduation picture was an 
> aerial photograph. 
> Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says "Picture 
> continued on other side." 
> Yo mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs. 
> Yo mama's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a 
> Twinkie on the other side to get her through. 
> Yo mama's so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of 
> her butt 
> cheeks. 
> Yo mama's so fat, instead of Levi's 501 jeans she wears Levi's 1002s. 
> Yo mama's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that 
> say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons, OR Yo Mama" 
> Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four 
> sides of the milk carton. 
> Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down. 
> Yo mama's so fat, when your father mounts her his ears pop. 
> Yo mama's so fat, she's not allowed to wear a Malcolm X shirt 
> because helicopters keep trying to land on her. 
> Yo mama's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth. 
> Yo mama's so fat, she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her. 
> Yo mama's so fat, when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing 
> through the wall. 
> Yo mama's so fat, she could sell shade. 
> Yo mama's so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her. 
> Yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise. 
> Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost 
> Yo mama's so fat, she gets runs in her jeans. 
> Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu. 
> Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't 
> get a menu, she gets an estimate. 
> Yo mama's so fat, if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to 
> take his word for it! 
> Yo mama's so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang. 
> Yo mama's so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a 
> welcome-back party. 
> Yo mama's so fat, her nickname is "DAMN!" 
> Yo mama's so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway. 
> Yo mama's so fat, the shadow of her ass weighs 100 pounds. 
> Yo mama's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion. 
> Yo mama's so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone. 
> Yo mama's so fat, her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters. 
> Yo mama's so fat, when God said "Let there be light" he told 
> her to move her fat ass out da way. 
> Yo mama's so fat, her carpool is a cattle truck. 

Yo mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it.
Yo mama's so nasty, she got in the bath and the water got out.
Yo mama's so slutty, she bought a new miniskirt and people commented
on her nice belt.
Yo mama's so poor, she can't afford a free sample
Yo mama's so poor, you have to eat cereal with a fork to conserve the milk.
Yo mama's so poor, you ring the doorbell and hear the toilet flush.
Yo mama's so fat, she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed
her for the New World.
Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people yell "Taxi!"
Yo mama's so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house.
Yo mama's so old, she has an autographed Bible.

-----------------

poster: Marvin
subject: Joke
date: Thu Mar 29 04:25:11 2001

A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from
around here . . . where you from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from
Pennsylvania." The bartender asks, "What do you do up yonder in
Pennsylvania?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."The bartender
asks, "A taxidermist . . . what the hell is a taxidermist?" The guy
says, "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the
whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!" 


-----------------

poster: Marvin
subject: Joke
date: Thu Mar 29 04:28:35 2001

Man: Ohh Doctor, I"m feeling terrible. Am I dying? 

Doctor: I"ll have to examine you. Hmm...hmmm...I'm afraid I have
some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time. 

Man: Oh no! How long have I got? 

Doctor: 10... 

Man: 10? 10 what? 

Doctor: 9. 

Man: Nine? Nine what? Months? Weeks? What?!" 

Doctor: 8...7...6... 


-----------------

poster: Marvin
subject: Joke
date: Thu Mar 29 04:31:00 2001

Doctor: I'm sorry Sir, but you have an incurable condition and there
is nothing more I can do for you. 

Man: Isn't there anything you can do? Something you can suggest? 

Doctor: You might go to the spa and taking a daily mud bath. 

Man: Will that help? 

Doctor No, but it will help you get used to dirt. 

-----------------

poster: Marvin
subject: Joke
date: Thu Mar 29 04:36:15 2001

Ok, this baby seal walked into a club...

-----------------

poster: Marvin
subject: A lot of doctor jokes tonight...
date: Thu Mar 29 04:38:53 2001

A guy goes to his doctor. 

He walks in to the doctor's office. He's got a carrot sticking out
of one ear, a parsnip out of the other and an asparagus stalk
sticking out of each nostril. 

He complains "Doc, I feel really, really terrible. What do you think
is wrong?" 

The doctors looks him up and down for a long time and finally says
"First of all, I can tell you're not eating right." 

-----------------

poster: Marvin
subject: Last one
date: Thu Mar 29 04:43:11 2001

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Have you got any duck food?" 
"No," says the bartender. 

Next day, the duck walks in again and asks, "Have you got any duck food?" 
"I told you yesterday. No!" says the bartender. 

Next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Have you got any duck food?" 
The bartender says, "Look, duck, I didn't have any yesterday or the
day before. I don't have any duck food. And if you come in tomorrow
and ask for duck food, I'll nail your bill to the bar." 

Next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Have you got any nails?" 
"No," says the bartender. 
"Ok," says the duck, "Have you got any duck food?" 

-----------------

poster: Marvin
subject: I lied
date: Thu Mar 29 04:47:39 2001

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
her name plate that the tellers name is Patricia Whack. So he says,


"Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." 

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to
borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog
says it's Kermit Jagger and that it's okay--he knows the bank
manager. 

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and
that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She
asks if he has anything to use as collateral. 

"Sure," the frog says. "I have this." He produces a tiny pink
porcelain elephant about half an inch tall. 

Very confused, Ms Whack explains that she'll have to consult the
bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the
manager and says: "There's a frog out there called Kermit Jagger who
claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use
this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean
what the heck is this?" 

The bank manager looks her in the eye and says: 

"It's a Knick Knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old
man's a Rolling Stone


-----------------

poster: Marvin
subject: I swear, last one
date: Thu Mar 29 04:59:44 2001

Mahatma Gandhi was a great and spiritual man who spent his 
life walking the length of India and fasting. As a result, 
he was thin and frail with roughened feet and bad breath 
caused by the fasting. In fact, he was often referred to 
as a super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis 

-----------------

poster: Marvin
subject: You are right...
date: Thu Mar 29 05:00:51 2001

...the frog one was better.


-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Rejected Dr. Seuss books
date: Thu Mar 29 06:55:52 2001

1. One B****, Two B****, Dead B****, You B**** 

                         2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert 

                         3. Fox In Detox 

                         4. Who Shat in the Hat? 

                         5. Horton Hires a Ho 

                         6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax 

                         7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day 

                         8. Your Colon Can Moo - Can You? 

                         9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil 

                         10. The Cat in the Blender 

                         11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F**k Out! 

                         12. Are You My Proctologist? 

                         13. Yentl the Lentil 

                         14. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket 

                         15. Aunts in My Pants

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Song of the Tired Student
date: Thu Mar 29 14:24:09 2001

I made this up last night while procrastinating...

The Song of a Tired Student....

                       It's Eleven twenty,
                       I'm on page four of many
                       I can't take this anymore
                       The stress is killing me
                       I'm full of coffee
                       I'm in envy of my cat laying on the floor

                       Ohhhhh I can't wait to graduate
                       Ohhhhh I can't wait to be free
                       If I fail I can't graduate
                       Then I'll have someone disembowl me

                       The day is dawning
                       My cat is yawning
                       I still have six more pages to go
                       The birds are singing
                       My head is ringing
                       I'd like to rip off it's f**king little chirping head

                       Ooooooh I can't wait to graduate
                       Ooooooh I can't wait to be free
                       If I fail I can't graduate
                       Then I'll have someone disembowl me...

-----------------

poster: Bahgtru
subject: >Joke
date: Thu Mar 29 14:31:58 2001

On Thu Mar 29 04:28:35 2001 Marvin wrote post #254:
> Man: Ohh Doctor, I"m feeling terrible. Am I dying? 
> 
> Doctor: I"ll have to examine you. Hmm...hmmm...I'm afraid I have
> some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time. 
> 
> Man: Oh no! How long have I got? 
> 
> Doctor: 10... 
> 
> Man: 10? 10 what? 
> 
> Doctor: 9. 
> 
> Man: Nine? Nine what? Months? Weeks? What?!" 
> 
> Doctor: 8...7...6... 
> 
Hmm, do you get Emazing jokes daily? I got that exact same joke a
few days back.

-----------------

poster: Tranquil
subject: Hmm....
date: Fri Mar 30 03:48:22 2001

Just out of curiosity, instead of posting all these, why not just
post the url 'www.jokes.com' and be done with it? I'm sure it would
be much less spammy.