-----------------

poster: Korthrun
subject: lulz
date: Tue Nov 14 15:55:18 2006

One day a woman arrived home early and found her husband of 8 years
in bed with another woman. She immediately threw him out of the
house. After listening to him pleading on the door step for near,y
an hour she finally let him back in and said he had only one chance
to make it up to her or there marriage was over for good. The
husband asked her what he had to do. She said that she was going to
bed and when she got up in the morning there had better be a gift
for her in the driveway that could go from 0 to 200 in under 6
seconds, and walked off to her room.
This puzzled the husband for a while, not knowing where he could
come up with something like that for her but knowing he had to to
save his mariage. When the woman awoke the next morning she got
dressed walked out to the driveway and saw a box sitting there. It
wasn't as big as she was expecting it to be but she went over and
opened it up to see what her husband had bought for her. Inside she
found a brand new bathroom scale. Her husbands funeral is scheduled
for next Thursday.

-----------------

poster: Tranquil
subject: And now for some amusement
date: Fri Dec  1 22:20:06 2006

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe
sheet, which tells mechanics aboutproblems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. 
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas
pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the
way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

P= The problem logged by the pilot. S= The solution and action taken
by the mechanics.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

-----------------

poster: Korthrun
subject: lawlz
date: Tue Dec 12 10:26:11 2006

[10:24:59] JoshK: it's actually allowing bb out
[10:25:07] JoshK: but it's not accepting the responses from bigbrother
[10:25:09] JoshK: :p
[10:25:12] JimG: oh BB DOES respond?
[10:25:17] JoshK: well...
[10:25:18] JoshK: tcp
[10:25:20] JoshK: and all that
[10:25:54] JoshK: takes two to transmit data :p
[10:26:02] JoshK: but the server aint listening
[10:26:05] JoshK: it's like a woman
[10:26:11] JoshK: it keeps trying to talk
[10:26:15] JoshK: but doesn't listen when you respond
[10:26:21] JoshK: then writes the fact that you didn't respond in it's logfile
[10:26:22] JoshK: for later use

-----------------

poster: Paw
subject: An Amazing Man...
date: Wed Dec 13 00:56:51 2006

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going 
by.  He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect
timing.;You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman.  He's a guy who did everything right - 
all the time.  Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things 
happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman.  He was a terrific athlete.  He 
could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis.  He could golf with the 
pros.  He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway 
star and you should have heard him play the piano.  He was an 
amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer.  
Could remember everybody's birthday.  He knew all about wine, 
which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.  He could 
fix anything.  Not like me.  I change a fuse, and the whole street 
blacks out.  But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and 
avoid traffic jams.  Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in 
them.  But Frank, he never made a mistake."

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And, he really knew how to treat a woman and make her 
feel good.  He would never answer her back even if she was in the 
wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly 
polished too - he was the perfect man!  He never made a mistake.  
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow.  How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his fucking widow."


-----------------

poster: Bahgtru
subject: Bad day
date: Fri Jan 12 04:56:19 2007

A man was walking through the forest when he came across another
man, who had his arms wrapped around a large oak tree with his ear
pressed up against the wood. Obviously perplexed, he asked the
tree-hugger what he was doing.

"I'm listening to the oak music," he replied. "It's a phenomenon
that lets you hear your favorite song in the world."

Understandably curious, the first man decided to give it a try. He
wrapped his arms around the tree, pressed his ear up against the
wood and closed his eyes. The tree-hugger sprange forth, handcuffed
the man, ripped off his pants, took his wallet and ran off.

After standing there for a while with no hope of escape the man
heard footsteps behind him. He turned as best he could and saw a
heavyset lumberjack walking towards him with a look of surprised
amusement plastered on his face.

As the man quickly explained what had happened, the lumberjack
laughed and laid his ax against the tree. When he had heard the
story, he walked around and stood behind the man. He kissed him
lightly below the ear.

"This aint gonna be your lucky day" he said.

-----------------

poster: Bahgtru
subject: Paddy's twins
date: Fri Jan 12 05:01:56 2007

Paddy had broken his leg in an accident and was confined to a
wheelchair. His mate Seamus had come around to see if he needed any
help.

"Could you get my slippers?" asked Paddy. "My feet get so fooking
cold and I can't do shite to warm them up."

Seamus wandered up the stairs to Paddy's bedroom, and on the way
passed the bedroom of Paddy's twin daughters. They were 19,
extremely gorgeous and extremely desirable.

He paused in their doorway. "Your dad's just sent me up here to have
sex with you," he said.

The twins scoffed at him. Seamus smiled, offering to prove it.
Walking over to the doorway, he called out to Paddy. "What, both of
them?"

"Of course both of them," came the reply. "What's the use of fooking one?"

-----------------

poster: Wildchild
subject: SotU Drinking Game
date: Tue Jan 23 11:51:13 2007

Here is this year's unofficial State of the Union Drinking Game, courtesy of a regular poster named "Den" from a blog I read:



Drinking game suggestions:



If Bush mentions 9/11 and Iraq in the same sentence (again), take a shot.



If he mentions Saddam's hanging as bringing a dictator to justice, take two shots.



Stock words like "surge", "new way forward", etc. are all worth a shot.



If he mentions a bold new initiative he has no intention of paying for, like a manned mission to Mars or curing our addiction to oil, take four shots. Save one shot for the next morning when Tony Snow has to explain that Bush didn't really mean it.



Any mention of health care reform, take a shot. Then schedule an appointment with your doctor to make sure you don't have any preexisting conditions. Take a second shot if the camera pans over to Hillary Clinton while he's talking about health care reform.



If he points a hero in the gallery, take a shot. Two shots if he's in uniform. Three if he's sitting right next to Laura. Four if he's flanked by the twins.



If Dick Cheney leans over to Pelosi and tells her to "go fuck yourself" (might have to read his lips), take a shot.



If the camera catches a shot of Condi Rice smiling, take a shot.



If Pelosi manages to avoid laughing when Bush mentions his eagerness to work with the new Democratic majority, take a shot.



If Fox preempts the Democratic response with a repeat of American Idol, take a shot.



If he mentions bin Laden at all, chug the entire bottle of tequila.

-----------------

poster: Flick
subject: Blonde Joke
date: Tue Jan 23 17:13:29 2007

A blond calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help 
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it 
started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blond says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him 
in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns 
to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to
be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then...He sighed......."Let's put all of the Frosted
Flakes back in the box."

-----------------

poster: Khosan
subject: Who wants to fight this one?
date: Sun Feb  4 00:35:23 2007

http://www.usmechatronics.com/usmgarage/WiiBot.html

Knowing the strength of industrial robots, blocking that sword
is not going to do you much good.


-----------------

poster: Flick
subject: Bushism 2-9-07
date: Fri Feb  9 17:10:49 2007

"In other words, I don't think people ought to be compelled to make
the decision which they think is best for their family." --
Washington, D.C.; December 11, 2002

-----------------

poster: Venetian
subject: *nix sex
date: Wed Mar 28 20:09:08 2007

gawk; talk; date; wine; grep; touch; unzip; touch; gasp; finger; gasp;mount;
fsck; more; fsck; fsck; yes; fsck; fsck; gasp; umount; make clean;
make mrproper; sleep

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: lolcat pictures
date: Sun Apr 29 16:53:48 2007

http://icanhascheezburger.com/

55 pages of pictures of cats (and some other animals) with silly
captions added in deliberately mangled English.  Funnier than it sounds.

-----------------

poster: Wildchild
subject: weddings
date: Thu Jun 14 08:44:34 2007

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.



It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to
come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "YOU'RE
NEXT".



They stopped that @#%$ after I started doing the same thing to them
at funerals.

-----------------

poster: Paleo
subject: blonde joke
date: Wed Jun 27 14:23:12 2007

A blond woman buys second class tickets to an airplain, but she decides she wants to sit in first class.  One of the flight attenants asks her for her her ticket, so the blonde gives it to her.  The flight attenant sais 'This ticket says you can ride in second class only mam, im going to have to get you to move to second class.' The blonde woman responds by saying 'We are in America, and I will sit where I want to.' The flight attenant cant get the blonde to move, so she asks security to try to move her to the back.  security sais 'mam we have been informed that you have second class tickets in the first class seating area. we are going to have to move you.' But again the blonde woman sais 'We are in America, and I will sit where I want to.'  so security couldnt make any headway. So they decided to call the pilot to talk to her, he wispers something in her ear, and she gets up and runs to the back of the plain. the flight attenant and security ask him what he said 'I have a blonde wife, so I know that all you have to do is say first class doesnt go to disney world like second class.'

-----------------

poster: Einar
subject: Speak with god
date: Wed Sep  5 13:11:02 2007

Do you need insight into your life?
I have found god, and here is his chatroom
 http://www.titane.ca/igod/

-----------------

poster: Chemosh
subject: OI OI OI
date: Mon Oct 15 11:44:42 2007

New Aussie Citizenship questions

LANGUAGE 
1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the
origin of, the term "died in the arse"? 

2. What is a mole? 

3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie
chuck a spaz
chuck a U-ey? 

4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the
relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a
bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the
chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum
did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."


CUSTOMS 
1. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana.
If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey,
Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average
consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash? 

2. Complete the following sentences: 
a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother ...;b) You're going home in
the back of a ...;c) Fair suck of the ...;
3. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss;
4. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?;
5. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front
yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Keith and does he have a wife
called Cheryl? 
FOOD 
1. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat,
cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called
either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming? 

2. What are the ingredients in a rissole? 

3. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam. 

4. Do you have an Aunty Myrna who is famous for her tuna mornay and
other dishes involving a can of cream of celery soup? 

5. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a
chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that
has been nicked from a bath full of ice? 

6. When you go to a bring-your-own-meat barbie can you eat other
people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own? 

7. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is
required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot? 
CULTURE 
1. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs,
an Esky or Ugg boots? 

2. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"? 

3. Who would you like to crack on to? 

4. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True
Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie? 

5. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a
trailer or have a pool? 

6. Would you love to have a beer with Duncan ? 

-----------------

poster: Zifnab
subject: quarterback names
date: Thu Nov 29 14:07:53 2007


Why NFL quarterbacks should have short names....

http://www.stadiumwall.com/index.php?showtopic=74929

-----------------

poster: Maskbeast
subject: Bar joke
date: Sun Apr 13 14:51:24 2008

So... a Deer a Skunk and a duck all walk into a bar.

But theres a problem,

The Deer didn't have a buck. 

The skunk didn't have a Cent.

Soo.... 

They had to leave it on the duck's bill

-----------------

poster: Mugen
subject: >Bar joke
date: Sun Apr 13 16:16:21 2008

On Sun Apr 13 14:51:24 2008 Maskbeast wrote post #18:
> So... a Deer a Skunk and a duck all walk into a bar.

> But theres a problem,

> The Deer didn't have a buck. 

> The skunk didn't have a Cent.

> Soo.... 

> They had to leave it on the duck's bill
gross

-----------------

poster: Zifnab
subject: Gates -vs- GM
date: Tue Apr 15 07:17:17 2008

Gates vs. GM 

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection 
for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. 

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly 
compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry 
has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles 
to the gallon.' 

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a 
press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be 
driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love 
this part): 

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would 
   have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.
   You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all 
   of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the 
   windows before you could continue. For some reason you would 
   simply accept this. 

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would 
   cause your car to shut down and refuse t o restart, in which 
   case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was 
   reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but 
   would run on only five percent of the roads. 

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would 
   all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal 
   Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying. 

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you 
   out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted 
   the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio 
   antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to 
   learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls 
   would operate in the same manner as the old car. 

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

-----------------

poster: Dmitri
subject: Ask The Jihadist
date: Wed Apr 23 18:33:04 2008

I found this in The New Yorker, found it hilarious, thought I'd
share it with you all.

Qaida No.2 to answer Web Questions soon.
Al-Qaida No. 2 Ayman al-Zawahri will soon answer the hundreds of
questions submitted by journalists, militants and others about the
terrorist network's future, its media wing announced Wednesday.
-Associated Press

Dear Ayman al-Zawahiri:
Please find attached my homemade terror video, entitled "Death to
America." In it, you will see that I brandish an AK-47, make angry
facial expressions, and threaten the infidels with imminent doom. Am
seeking a full- or part-time position with Al Qaeda making spooky
tapes. Have own tapes.
- Fingers Crossed in Peshawar

Ayman al-Zawahiri writes:
Thank you for sharing this with us. While I'm afraid your terror
video does not meet our needs at the present time, we would be
interested in seeing anything scary you do in the future.

Dear Ayman al-Zawahiri:
I am a member in good standing of the Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigade and am
considering switching my terror membership to Al Qaeda. Is there a
difference in dental?
- Confused in Cairo

Ayman al-Zawahiri writes:
Unfortunately, that is not my department. Please call the office
between the hours of eight and five and ask for Al Qaeda No. 37.

Dear Ayman al-Zawahiri:
I was hatching a terror plot on my cell phone the other day, but now
I'm afraid that the C.I.A was listening in. What should I do?
-Worried in Sharm al-Sheikh

Ayman al-Zawahiri writes:
American law allows the government to eavesdrop on any phone
conversation for no reason whatsoever. But, as a practical matter,
this means the Americans are too busy spying on one another to ever
spy on us. Plus, they don't know Arabic. Still, you can never be too
cautious. When talking on your cell phone, never use the words "Al
Qaeda." Instead, refer to us by our secret code name, the Emperors
Club V.I.P.

Dear Ayman al-Zawahiri:
I am a journalist for the U.S publication Tiger Beat. When I heard
you would be taking Web questions, I was like OMG, I totes have to
write to him!!! Here are three questions we're asking celebrities
this month:
1. If you could be any character on "Gossip Girl," who would you be?
2. Who would be a better friend, Lauren on "The Hills" or Ashley
Tisdale in "High School Musical"?
3. Who is hotter, Zac Efron or Joe Jonas? (LOL)
-Stacy in Manhattan

Ayman al-Zawahiri writes:
May you and everyone at your magazie burn in Hell.

Dear Ayman al-Zawahiri:
Does Al Qaeda ever endorse political candidates? If so, I recommend
that you give a big thumbs-up to Barack Obama. I guarantee you he
hates America as much as you do (if not more)! It would be great if
you appeared in a bunch of TV ads and called him the "evildoing
President that evildoers have been waiting for."
-Bill in Chappaqua

Ayman al-Zawahiri writes:
Al Qaeda is only interested in American elections to the extent that
we can plunge them into abject chaos. So this year, as in every
other year, we are supporting Ralph Nader.

Greetings and compliments to you, my good sir:
I am the widow of the late Nigerian head of state, General Sani
Abacha. Please wire $15,000 in U.S funds to the bank information
provided below and in two weeks' time you will recieve $150,000 for
your kindly services, my goodly gentleman.
- Mrs. Maryam Abacha Lagos

Ayman al-Zawahiri writes:
What kind of simpleton do you take me for? I sent you $15,000 last
month and I never heard back.

Dear Ayman al-Zawahiri:
I am a big fan of Osama bin Laden and would like to get his
autograph. I have an eight-by-ten glossy of him but don't know where
to send it. Could you please give me his exact mailing address?
-Borge W. Gush
Washington D.C

Ayman al-Zawahiri writes:
Please contact him directly. He's on Facebook.

-----------------

poster: Slayn
subject: sup
date: Tue Jun 10 09:22:38 2008

a man goes into the doctors
man:doctor doctor i have 5 penises
doctor:how do your trousers fit?
man:like a glove

-----------------

poster: Pyromaniac
subject: cough
date: Fri Jun 13 08:43:41 2008

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily
against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk, "What's with that guy over
there by the wall?" The blonde clerk responds, "Well, he came in
here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find
the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The
pharmacist yells, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a
laxative!" The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at
him, he's afraid to cough."

-----------------

poster: Vor
subject: p*rple p*ssion
date: Fri Aug  1 04:05:43 2008

    One day a teacher had each student tell the rest of the class

what their favorite color was. The last child she asked was a

boy named Danny. "What's your favorite color Danny?"

     "Purple passion," he replied.

the teacher yelled, "Go to the principals office right now

young man."

     The principal asked him, "What did you do Danny?"

     "All I said was that I liked purple passion and-"

     "You are supended from this school forever!" the principal

screamed.

     The boy walked home. When he got there his mom asked, "What's

wrong hon?"

     "I said I liked purple passion-"

"Go up to your room and stay there. Your dad will have a talk

with you when he gets back from work," the mom said sternly. So

the boy walked up the stairs to his room.

     When his dad got home he went up to Danny's room and said,

"What did you do son?"

     "I told mom I liked purple passion and then-"

     "Young man, I dis-own you," The father yelled as he kicked his

     Danny out of the house.

     Danny walked down the street and he met up with the president,

     The president said to him, "What's wrong little boy?"

     "I said I liked purple passion and-"

     "YOU MUST LEAVE THIS COUNTRY IMMEADIATLY!" the president commanded.

     Danny got on a plane to South America. On the plane a

stewardess asked him, "Hey sweety, what's with the water works?"

     "Well," Danny said, "I said I liked purple passion and-"

     "Go see the pilot right now," the stewardess said as her face

turned beat red with anger.

     Danny walked into the cabin and the pilot said, "What's up?"

     Danny whined, "I said I liked purple passion-"

     "Don't you ever ride one of our planes again!" the pilot

yelled as he slammed a parachute onto Danny and kicked him out

of the plane.

     Danny landed in Mexico. He took off the parachute, sat down

on the sidewalk, and began to cry. An old lady walked up to him

and said, "Hola. You ok? What is problem?"

     "I said I liked purple passion and now everyone hates me,"

Danny sobbed.

"Dios Mio! The lady across the street help you.", said the lady, and then ran off.

Danny's hopes were lifted slightly, and as he crossed the street he was run over by a truck. 



What is the moral of this story?



Look both ways before crossing the street.

-----------------

poster: Trigon
subject: >p*rple p*ssion
date: Fri Aug  1 13:26:38 2008

I hate you

-----------------

poster: Qwantom
subject: weary overload recreational killer
date: Sun Aug 17 22:48:47 2008

Subject: Important CDC Notice



The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. 



This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK) .  If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT.  This virus will wipe out your private life completely.  If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.  Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).  Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.  You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends.  If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. 





Thank you. 


-----------------

poster: Paleo
subject: making babies!
date: Wed Oct  1 18:09:08 2008

Making a baby. This is hilarious! 

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny. 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'  

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'  

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'  

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'  

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.  

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 

=0 D 

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' 

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'  

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'  

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith. 

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'  

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. 

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.  

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' 

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'  

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?' 

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 

'Tripod?' 

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' 

Mrs. Smith fainted 

-----------------

poster: Reamus
subject: Stolen from the iGoogle App.
date: Sat Feb  7 14:06:34 2009

What's the difference between mechanical and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

(Unkie) Reamus

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: Shaquille O'Neal's twitter
date: Wed Feb 11 15:20:23 2009

It's real. It rules. You can sometimes see him updating it from the
bench during games.

http://twitter.com/THE_REAL_SHAQ

-----------------

poster: Wildchild
subject: great youtube video
date: Thu Feb 12 18:23:31 2009

Little boy in car after dental surgery

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DfTwRr7muIg


-WildChild

-----------------

poster: Stomper
subject: >great youtube video
date: Fri Feb 13 01:23:16 2009

On Thu Feb 12 18:23:31 2009 Wildchild wrote post #30 in jokes:

> Little boy in car after dental surgery

> 

> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DfTwRr7muIg

> 

> 

> -WildChild

Thats so weird... I watched this with 2 of my roommates right around the time this was posted.... WildChild, are you one of my roommates????? lol

-----------------

poster: Mugen
subject: >>great youtube video
date: Sat Feb 14 03:50:46 2009

On Fri Feb 13 01:23:16 2009 Stomper wrote post #31:
> On Thu Feb 12 18:23:31 2009 Wildchild wrote post #30 in jokes:

> > Little boy in car after dental surgery

> > 

> > http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DfTwRr7muIg

> > 

> > 

> > -WildChild

> Thats so weird... I watched this with 2 of my roommates right around the
time this was posted.... WildChild, are you one of my roommates????? lol
yes