-----------------
poster: Chewba
subject: OMG LOL etc.... zzzzzz
date: Thu May 1 20:39:28 2003
http://www.viz.co.uk/archive/computermag/computermag.htm
having a bad day but it cheered me up
-----------------
poster: Zifnab
subject: medication
date: Fri May 2 16:04:27 2003
BUYAGRA: Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency
and duration of spending spree.
MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases
resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better
person. Can we get naked now?"
ST. MOM'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by
rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
EMPTY NESTROGEN: Highly effective supplement that eliminates
melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as
teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
PEPTO-BIMBO: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups
swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases
intelligence, and improves flirting.
DUMMEROL: When taken with Pepto-bimbo, can cause lowering of IQ,
causing enjoyment of loud country music and cheap beer.
FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road
rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember
your birthday, anniversary, or phone number.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on
anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
RAGAMET: When administered to a husband, provides the same
irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time
and trouble of doing it herself.
DAMMITOL: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours!
-----------------
poster: Slayn
subject: Fear the EU
date: Wed May 7 02:21:57 2003
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European nation
rather than German that was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded
that English spelling had some room for improvement and has
accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as
"Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly,
this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.The hard "c"
will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be
growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced withthe "f". This will make
words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double
letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the
languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil
sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it
ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali
kum tru. If zis mad yu smil, pleas pas it on to oza pepl
**
-----------------
poster: Bigglesworth
subject: If you have some spare time...
date: Wed May 7 05:18:02 2003
This will take a little time, so if you're on here bored or
whatever, this will make you rock your socks off! You need to visit
these sites in the order that I put them down. Nothing is
pornographic or obscene, its just ninjarific fun!
First off go to: http://www.waxy.org/archive/2003/04/29/star_war.shtml
That was pretty funny, apparently the kid has a site, so go here
next: http://www.realultimatepower.net/
Look around the site a little, but what you need to actually read
after a little bit of browsing is the Hate Mail, its all about his
hate mail... Read the Hate Mail, all of it.
After you've looked at the Hate Mail, you'll wonder about some
things, so the next site or two is about that.
Finally I found an article about it, the two sites that had it, the
links didn't work, so go look at this...
http://www.alteringtime.com/news/?article=ninjas
The life of Robert Hamburger is pretty funny so far, but it gets
funnier, the next in the timeline is an interview with the webmaster
of RUP, himself!!!
http://www.markhowison.com/indy/012303/news/5.html
THE SUSPENSE HAS ENDED!!!! If you want some other stuff to read
about it, I recommend these two sites, one is about the mother, the
other is another article I found about ninjas and RUP...
http://www.asmallvictory.net/oldshit/001773.html
http://www.cornelldailysun.com/articles/5954/
All in all, its pretty funny, and worth reading, in the order,
please read it in order/watch it in order...
-Biggs
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: >If you have some spare time...
date: Wed May 7 20:26:13 2003
On Wed May 7 05:18:02 2003 Bigglesworth wrote post #4:
> of RUP, himself!!!
> http://www.markhowison.com/indy/012303/news/5.html
> THE SUSPENSE HAS ENDED!!!! If you want some other stuff to read
> about it, I recommend these two sites, one is about the mother, the
> other is another article I found about ninjas and RUP...
> http://www.asmallvictory.net/oldshit/001773.html
> http://www.cornelldailysun.com/articles/5954/
> All in all, its pretty funny, and worth reading, in the order,
> please read it in order/watch it in order...
> -Biggs
www.realultimatepower.net is the source of all that is sweet
in the universe. You should be thankful that you are still alive
after such heresy.
Remember, it takes ten thousand years to carve a canyon, but
a ninja can do it in like 3 seconds with a shuriken.
(That's a ninja throwing star for all you losers)
If you look close you can also see a variety of ninja gear
in the smozcon pics...
-----------------
poster: Evicta
subject: heh :)
date: Sun May 18 13:43:38 2003
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly
discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and a billion
$ to develop a pen that could write in zero
gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface, and at
temperatures from below freezing point to 300°C. The
russians used a pencil.
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: The true story of the creation of all life 8-)
date: Thu May 22 23:39:14 2003
Read this and you will know it to be true 8-)
http://www.takeourword.com/current/page5.html
-----------------
poster: Heavenly (Web)
subject: >heh :)
date: Mon May 26 06:20:00 2003
On Sun May 18 13:43:38 2003 Evicta wrote post #6 in jokes:
> When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly
> discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
> To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and a billion
> $ to develop a pen that could write in zero
> gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface, and at
> temperatures from below freezing point to 300°C. The
> russians used a pencil.
just goes to show how easy it is to over look the most obvious of solutions!
-----------------
poster: Wagro
subject: Haha
date: Wed Jun 4 05:42:40 2003
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat
down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight.
They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world
and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the
world.
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs
in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They
selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and
removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years,
they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get
near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange
looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry
for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last
10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up,
the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards
Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and
charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to
bite, the Dachshund opened its
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't
understand how this could have happened. We had our best people
working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female
dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic
surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a
weenie dog."
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: fun at work
date: Fri Jun 6 17:07:27 2003
From: Keeping, Andrew
Sent:Friday, June 06, 2003 10:03 AM
To:XXXXX, Robert
Subject:RE: Info
Andrew Keeping
3310 East Mulberry St.
Evansville, IN 47714
812-491-9495
Blood type: A+
Sign: Leo
Likes: hiking, the internet, art, dancing, poetry, music, good scotch
Dislikes: republicans, people who presume, spiders
-----Original Message-----
From: XXXXX, Robert
Sent:Friday, June 06, 2003 9:58 AM
To:Central Hardware Team
Subject:Info
Hi Everyone
I need you to reply to this email with as much contact info as you
can and are willing to provide... I need your home numbers and fax
numbers, pager or cell phone if they are company provided or
expensed (or if you are willing to volunteer them to me), and
anything else you want to give me. This is for a spreadsheet Ken
needs to send to corporate.
Thanks for the help.
Robert XXXXX
Medical Manager Health Systems
Phone: XXX-XXX-XXXX
Fax: XXX-XXX-XXXX
-----------------
poster: Tantrum
subject: symptom, fault, actions.
date: Mon Jun 30 08:02:36 2003
Sypmtom : Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault : glass empthy
Action : get someone to buy you another beer
Sypmtom : opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
Fault : you have fallen over backward
Action : have yourself lashed to the bar
Sypmtom : mouth contains cigerette butts
Fault : you have fallen forward
Action : see above
Sypmtom : beer tasteless, shirt front is wet
Fault : mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face
Action : retire to restroom, practise in mirror
Sypmtom : feet cold and wet
Fault : glass being held at wrong angle
Action : rotate glass so that open end points at the cieling
Sypmtom : feet warm and wet
Fault : imporoper bladder control
Action : stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training.
Sypmtom : floor blurred
Fault : you are looking through an empty beer glass
Action : get someone to buy you another beer
Sypmtom : floor moving
Fault : you are being carried out
Action : find out if you are being taken to another bar
Sypmtom : room seems unusually dark
Fault : bar has closed
Action : confirm home address with bartender
-----------------
poster: Tantrum
subject: school work
date: Mon Jun 30 08:03:00 2003
Mr. Perkins a biology teacher at a posh suburban girls junior school
asks during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of
the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to
six times it normal size, and define those conditions?"
Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly "Mr Perkins, i dont think
that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will
hear of this" and she sits down red faced.
Unperterbed Mr perkins calles on Miss Johnson and asks the same
question. Miss Johnson with composure replies "the pupil of the eye,
and in dim light."
"Correct Miss Johnson." says My Perkins "And now, Miss Smythe, I
have three things to say to you, 1) you have not studied your
lesson. 2) you have a dirty mind, and 3) you will one day be faced
with a dreadful dissappointment!"
-----------------
poster: Tantrum
subject: tips for managers and bosses.
date: Mon Jun 30 08:03:45 2003
TIPS FOR MANAGERS AND BOSSES.
* Never give me workin the morning. always wait untill 4:00 and then
bring it to me. the challenge of a deadline is refreshing
* If its really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes
to inquire on how its going. that helps. Or even better, hover
behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
* Always leave without telling anyone where your going. It gives me
a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
* If my arms are full of papers, boxers and files, please dont open
any doors for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic
and opening doors without the use of my arms is good trianing.
* If you give me more than one job to do, dont tell me which is
priority. I am psychic.
* Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have
nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
* If a joib i do pleases you, keep it a secret. If it gets out, it
could mean promotion.
* If you dont like my work, tell everybody. I like my name to be
popular in conversation. I was born to be whipped.
* If you have special instructions for a job, please dont write them
down. In fact save them until the job is almost done. No use
confusing me with useful infomation.
* Never introduce me to the people you are with. I have no right to
know anything. In the corprate food chain, I am plankton. When you
refer to them later, my shrewd observations will identify them.
* Be nice to me only when a job i am doing for you could really
changeyour life and ssend you straight to managers hell.
* Tell me all your little problems. Noone else has any, and its nice
to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like it when you
tell me about all the income tax you had to pay on the bonus check
you got for being such a good manager.
* Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD
have been. Give me a mediocre perfermance evaluation, with a cost of
living increase. Im not here for the money anyway.
-----------------
poster: Tantrum
subject: how about this time?
date: Mon Jun 30 08:07:28 2003
this is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
ship with canadian authorities off the coast of NewFoundland in
october 1995.
Americans : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to
avoid a collision
Americans : This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.
Canadians : No. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Americans : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER THE USS LINCON, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE US ATLANTIC FLEET, WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND
THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THATS ONE-FIVE DEGREES
NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY
OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians : This is a lighthouse. Your call.
-----------------
poster: Wildchild
subject: google joke
date: Sun Jul 6 04:41:45 2003
Goto www.google.com
Type in the search field "Weapons of Mass Destruction"
Click the "I feel lucky" button.
Read and enjoy. Don't forget to click to the links within. :)
-WildChild
-----------------
poster: Kasma
subject: Eheh
date: Mon Jul 7 21:55:42 2003
Two guys were walking along when they happend apon a golf ball
They used the golfball to play a game, whoever threw the golfball
the highest wins
The first guy throws up the golf ball and after a while it comes back down
"Nice throw" says one of the guys
"Nice throw" says one of the guys.
The second guy throws up the ball, and it doesnt come down.
"Damn" says the first guy.
Two guys were in an airplane
One guy was smokin' his cigar and just chilling, and there was a guy
next to him with a duck
The duck was goin crazy, and the guy with the duck said "Your smoke
is making my duck agitated"
the other guy says "Yeah, well your duck is making ME agitated"
So, they both decide to throw their respective annoyances out the
window, even tho its a plane
so they open the windows and throw them out
about an hour later, one of the guys looks outside and sees the duck
and guess whats in its mouth?
the golf ball.
-----------------
poster: Daran
subject: >Eheh
date: Mon Jul 7 21:56:57 2003
On Mon Jul 7 21:55:42 2003 Kasma wrote post #20:
> Two guys were walking along when they happend apon a golf ball
> They used the golfball to play a game, whoever threw the golfball
> the highest wins
> The first guy throws up the golf ball and after a while it comes back down
> "Nice throw" says one of the guys
> "Nice throw" says one of the guys.
> The second guy throws up the ball, and it doesnt come down.
> "Damn" says the first guy.
>
>
>
>
> Two guys were in an airplane
> One guy was smokin' his cigar and just chilling, and there was a guy
> next to him with a duck
> The duck was goin crazy, and the guy with the duck said "Your smoke
> is making my duck agitated"
> the other guy says "Yeah, well your duck is making ME agitated"
> So, they both decide to throw their respective annoyances out the
> window, even tho its a plane
> so they open the windows and throw them out
> about an hour later, one of the guys looks outside and sees the duck
> and guess whats in its mouth?
> the golf ball.
I don't get it =(
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: >>Eheh
date: Mon Jul 7 21:58:37 2003
On Mon Jul 7 21:56:57 2003 Daran wrote post #21:
> > The duck was goin crazy, and the guy with the duck said "Your smoke
> > is making my duck agitated"
> > the other guy says "Yeah, well your duck is making ME agitated"
> > So, they both decide to throw their respective annoyances out the
> > window, even tho its a plane
> > so they open the windows and throw them out
> > about an hour later, one of the guys looks outside and sees the duck
> > and guess whats in its mouth?
> > the golf ball.
> I don't get it =(
Nods, I'm afraid this is the worst joke in the history of mankind....
I feel as though my own sense of humor has been set back many generations
I'm going to retreat to my room and listen to lenny bruce until I
feel better.
-----------------
poster: Apathy
subject: >>>Eheh
date: Tue Jul 8 07:59:36 2003
On Mon Jul 7 21:58:37 2003 Uno wrote post #22:
> On Mon Jul 7 21:56:57 2003 Daran wrote post #21:
> > > The duck was goin crazy, and the guy with the duck said "Your smoke
> > > is making my duck agitated"
> > > the other guy says "Yeah, well your duck is making ME agitated"
> > > So, they both decide to throw their respective annoyances out the
> > > window, even tho its a plane
> > > so they open the windows and throw them out
> > > about an hour later, one of the guys looks outside and sees the duck
> > > and guess whats in its mouth?
> > > the golf ball.
> > I don't get it =(
> Nods, I'm afraid this is the worst joke in the history of mankind....
> I feel as though my own sense of humor has been set back many generations
> I'm going to retreat to my room and listen to lenny bruce until I
> feel better.
Well, you're supposed to tell the first joke and just let it fall
flat, and then like 15 minutes later tell the other one. Hard to do
that in a news post, though
-Apathy
-----------------
poster: Kasma
subject: >>>Eheh
date: Tue Jul 8 20:57:35 2003
moan :) oh well, i thought it was funny when i heard it
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: contest
date: Thu Jul 17 17:46:19 2003
hi,
i received the following email from my boss today. it's regarding my
email signature, which has at the bottom 'don't sweat the petty
things, don't pet the sweaty things'. I'll pay 1m gold to anyone who
can help me think of a properly hilarious and righteous retort to
this dilbertesque
absurdity. submissions should take the form of a reply. aside from
that there are no creative boundaries. i pretty much KNOW there's no
legal way to fire me over this. or if there is the world is insane.
but yeah 1m gold, subject to my judgement, if you wanna take a stab
at it:
(here's the email)
Hi Andy
Now that we are no longer just formercompanyname and in an
environment where we know those we
work closely with, we have to adapt and change with the working
environment. This is especially
true for you, since you are under the spotlight of team 12 and also
working with that group on
keeping web support fresh. In this national model, we are
communicating and working with
people we don't know. Also, ideas and emails get passed up the
ladder. Having said that, I need
you to change your email signature. While I personally find it
amusing, the opportunity exists
for someone who doesn't know you or your sense of humor to read it
and take objection to it. I
believe it is important that we work to avoid those types of
situations before we have to "learn|the hard way." I know it seems
harmless enough, but you just never know. If there is a doubt,
it's better to act on the safe side.
Thanks,
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: >contest
date: Fri Jul 18 00:52:50 2003
People have been sacked over far pettier things than that.
Your boss seems a reasonable person.
To pick an example at random, a man who used to
work near me was sacked for having hair longer than
his shirt collar, on the grounds that is was
presenting an image the company didn't like to it's
customers, blah blah. He worked night shifts, when
the business was closed to customers and was never
seen by a customer.
He appealed, and lost. He appealed further up, and lost.
He appealed further up again on the grounds of
sexual discrimination (employers here cannot order
a woman to alter the length of her hair because it's
not feminine enough) and lost because the laws
weren't actually meant to cover men (they've
been bent a bit that way since).
So I wouldn't be sure you can't legally be sacked.
Perhaps you live in a more liberal country, but
it might be wise for you to check how you stand
under the law.
It is somewhat Dilbertesque, but Dilbert is
so successful because it rings true with many
employees.
-----------------
poster: Wildchild
subject: >>contest
date: Fri Jul 18 01:35:17 2003
On Fri Jul 18 00:52:50 2003 Tahnval wrote post #26:
> People have been sacked over far pettier things than that.
> Your boss seems a reasonable person.
>
> To pick an example at random, a man who used to
> work near me was sacked for having hair longer than
> his shirt collar, on the grounds that is was
> presenting an image the company didn't like to it's
> customers, blah blah. He worked night shifts, when
> the business was closed to customers and was never
> seen by a customer.
>
> He appealed, and lost. He appealed further up, and lost.
>
> He appealed further up again on the grounds of
> sexual discrimination (employers here cannot order
> a woman to alter the length of her hair because it's
> not feminine enough) and lost because the laws
> weren't actually meant to cover men (they've
> been bent a bit that way since).
>
> So I wouldn't be sure you can't legally be sacked.
> Perhaps you live in a more liberal country, but
> it might be wise for you to check how you stand
> under the law.
>
> It is somewhat Dilbertesque, but Dilbert is
> so successful because it rings true with many
> employees.
He lives in the States. How liberal is that? :)
But yeah, even here, people get fired for far less.
-WildChild
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: >>>contest
date: Fri Jul 18 06:46:31 2003
On Fri Jul 18 01:35:17 2003 Wildchild wrote post #27:
> >
> > It is somewhat Dilbertesque, but Dilbert is
> > so successful because it rings true with many
> > employees.
>
> He lives in the States. How liberal is that? :)
>
> But yeah, even here, people get fired for far less.
>
> -WildChild
it makes my brain hurt....
surely a multimillion dollar company has more important things
to fire people over than their email signatures?
GNNNNNNNN
i may take y'all's advice tho...
but i'm going to hock a loogie on the email
-----------------
poster: Krellen
subject: >>>>contest
date: Sat Jul 19 04:48:50 2003
On Fri Jul 18 06:46:31 2003 Uno wrote post #28:
> >
> > But yeah, even here, people get fired for far less.
> >
> > -WildChild
> it makes my brain hurt....
> surely a multimillion dollar company has more important things
> to fire people over than their email signatures?
> GNNNNNNNN
> i may take y'all's advice tho...
> but i'm going to hock a loogie on the email
You might want to make sure you don't work in an at will state.
These are states that specifically say in the labour laws that you
can be fired for any reason, and you can leave the job for any
reason. There's a fair number of these.
-----------------
poster: Tantrum
subject: >>>>>contest
date: Sat Jul 19 10:28:14 2003
On Sat Jul 19 04:48:50 2003 Krellen wrote post #29:
> On Fri Jul 18 06:46:31 2003 Uno wrote post #28:
> > >
> > > But yeah, even here, people get fired for far less.
> > >
> > > -WildChild
> > it makes my brain hurt....
> > surely a multimillion dollar company has more important things
> > to fire people over than their email signatures?
> > GNNNNNNNN
> > i may take y'all's advice tho...
> > but i'm going to hock a loogie on the email
> You might want to make sure you don't work in an at will state.
> These are states that specifically say in the labour laws that you
> can be fired for any reason, and you can leave the job for any
> reason. There's a fair number of these.
I wouldve thought that bigger companies would be more strict on
these types of things than smaller companies. big companies seem to
have forgotten that people sending/recieving emails are actually
people, most likely with a sence of humor, or at least an
appreciation of when humor is being employed.
But i agree with uno on this oine that, no matter how big/small,
successful, etcetc a company, a personal signature on emails is
personal and said person should have ABSOLUTE freedom. Although i
relize that people will abuse this, (claiming some amendment or
other) and if it is offensive or down right stupid, they should not
be fired, but taken out the bag and beaten with a large blunt
object.
My two cents worth.
-T
-----------------
poster: Tantrum
subject: >>>>>>contest
date: Sat Jul 19 10:29:37 2003
On Sat Jul 19 10:28:14 2003 Tantrum wrote post #30:
> On Sat Jul 19 04:48:50 2003 Krellen wrote post #29:
> > On Fri Jul 18 06:46:31 2003 Uno wrote post #28:
> > > >
> > > > But yeah, even here, people get fired for far less.
> > > >
> > > > -WildChild
> > > it makes my brain hurt....
> > > surely a multimillion dollar company has more important things
> > > to fire people over than their email signatures?
> > > GNNNNNNNN
> > > i may take y'all's advice tho...
> > > but i'm going to hock a loogie on the email
> > You might want to make sure you don't work in an at will state.
> > These are states that specifically say in the labour laws that you
> > can be fired for any reason, and you can leave the job for any
> > reason. There's a fair number of these.
> I wouldve thought that bigger companies would be more strict on
> these types of things than smaller companies. big companies seem to
> have forgotten that people sending/recieving emails are actually
> people, most likely with a sence of humor, or at least an
> appreciation of when humor is being employed.
> But i agree with uno on this oine that, no matter how big/small,
> successful, etcetc a company, a personal signature on emails is
> personal and said person should have ABSOLUTE freedom. Although i
> relize that people will abuse this, (claiming some amendment or
> other) and if it is offensive or down right stupid, they should not
> be fired, but taken out the bag and beaten with a large blunt
> object.
> My two cents worth.
> -T
btw forgot one point, as you are sending the emails, i assume that
the people recieving them have had some previous contact with you,
or at least know you from a 20 lb salmon. therefore they would
expect/appreciate your humor and maybe the small piece of fuunny in
their otherwise boring ass work hell pit.
-----------------
poster: Zifnab
subject: >>>>>>>contest
date: Sat Jul 19 16:57:46 2003
> > appreciation of when humor is being employed.
> > But i agree with uno on this oine that, no matter how big/small,
> > successful, etcetc a company, a personal signature on emails is
> > personal and said person should have ABSOLUTE freedom. Although i
> > relize that people will abuse this, (claiming some amendment or
> > other) and if it is offensive or down right stupid, they should not
> > be fired, but taken out the bag and beaten with a large blunt
> > object.
> > My two cents worth.
> > -T
> btw forgot one point, as you are sending the emails, i assume that
> the people recieving them have had some previous contact with you,
> or at least know you from a 20 lb salmon. therefore they would
> expect/appreciate your humor and maybe the small piece of fuunny in
> their otherwise boring ass work hell pit.
I couldn't disagree with you more. While I find the .sig humerous
all it takes is one person
that is offended by it.
Do not forget that people make judgements on your company based on
what you do.
While it may be ok for Uno to have that .sig because he never
interfaces with anyone outside the
company, no company can afford to have a person that sits and
evaluates each and every .sig
for whether it complies or not. So they have to make broad rules towards that.
While that may suck, you are using _their_ email/system/computer
they have that right to respsectfully
ask you to conform to some guidelines. Its really no differant than
the mud, we ask you to respect a certain
set of rules/guidelines toward potentially offensive material.
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: >>>>>>>>contest
date: Sat Jul 19 21:04:21 2003
On Sat Jul 19 16:57:46 2003 Zifnab wrote post #32:
> company, no company can afford to have a person that sits and
> evaluates each and every .sig
> for whether it complies or not. So they have to make broad rules towards
that.
>
> While that may suck, you are using _their_ email/system/computer
> they have that right to respsectfully
> ask you to conform to some guidelines. Its really no differant than
> the mud, we ask you to respect a certain
> set of rules/guidelines toward potentially offensive material.
>
I see your point. I guess I just have a residual need to rebel
against this type of authority. I'm a fundamentally silly person
by nature and it rains on my parade that humor and the workplace
don't seem to mix more easily.
I guess in this case what I'd like to do is fire some parting shot,
some silly joke back at the boss before complying with his request.
-----------------
poster: Griffy
subject: movie
date: Sun Jul 20 05:27:02 2003
yo.. you have to check this one out.. hehehe
http://clanid.gamedaemons.net/
-----------------
poster: Griffy
subject: guide to power tools
date: Mon Jul 21 00:25:09 2003
http://www.video-c.co.uk/frontend/asp/microshow.asp?v
dref=benn001&FileType=ADSLprog
make ya realy wana build something..
-----------------
poster: Wildchild
subject: amusing
date: Fri Jul 25 14:45:59 2003
That silly isketch site some of you enjoy babbling about has made
the local news here.
Apparently the sillyness is catching on. Now you guys can enjoy the
flood of stupid people that will join up. MUAHAHAHA! :)
-WildChild
-----------------
poster: Zifnab
subject: funny
date: Fri Jul 25 18:58:36 2003
I have always said we coudl hire monkeys to do what the developers
upstairs from me do... Now I have proof
http://enewsbuilder.net/NewTech/e_article000163707.cfm?x
-----------------
poster: Kasma
subject: French People
date: Mon Jul 28 04:37:35 2003
Heh, here are some jokes about french people... no offence intended
How many frenchmen does it take to defend paris?
None, its never happend before.
What is hundreds of thousands of people with their hands in the air?
The french army
What is the first thing you learn when you join the french army?
How to say i surrender in german,
How many gears does a french tank have?
1 forward and 5 reverse
How do you stop a french tank?
Shoot the guy pushing it
eheh
-----------------
poster: Ronan
subject: Trigon
date: Mon Jul 28 05:09:00 2003
He smeels AHAHAHAH!
-----------------
poster: Ant
subject: Diaries...
date: Mon Jul 28 12:26:52 2003
GIRL'S DIARY
FRIDAY 21st June 2002.
Saw John yesterday evening and he was acting really strangely.
I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn
up a bit late so I thought it might be that.The bar was really
crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.
He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go
somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed,
and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was
saying.I just knew that something was wrong.He dropped me back
home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but
followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but
he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to
bed.I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply.
He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile.He didn't follow me
up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He
still seemed distant and a bit cold, and started to think that he
was going to leave me,and that he had found someone else.
I cried myself to sleep.
BOY'S DIARY
FRIDAY 21st June 2002.
England lost to Brazil 2-1.
Got a shag though!
-----------------
poster: Kasma
subject: robbers
date: Thu Jul 31 21:22:51 2003
we were taking it from our mudroom to get it out of the way of the
people redoing our kitchen
then some guys came and took it
-----------------
poster: Phire
subject: If men ruled the world
date: Fri Aug 1 20:16:33 2003
IF MEN RULED THE WORLD...
1. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable
response to "I love you."
2. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
3. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the
game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen
during a time-out.
3. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice
hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
4. You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people
you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
5. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL
team of your choice.
6. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
7. "Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.
8. It would be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on
horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
9. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the
"public ugliness" ordinance.
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
12. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your
wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
13. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years. (AMEN!!!)
14. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off
to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would
remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
15. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to
the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
16. Regis and Kathie Lee (Kelly Ripa) would be chained to a cement
mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative
pay-per-view event in world history.
17. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and
eat the losers.
18. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday
Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
19. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as
you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
20. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
21. Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
22. The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
23. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
24. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
25. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: Pay your bills
date: Sat Aug 2 04:19:28 2003
Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He
had a long-standing obsession with nuzzling the beautiful Queen's
voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician
exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to
satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to
arrange it. Without hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily
agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder
and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a
special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of
itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the
Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the
Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the
itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the
next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous
and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon
Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio
the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his
obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared
less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this
matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the
same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King quickly
summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: Monkeys in the bathroom
date: Tue Aug 5 22:31:03 2003
Two monkeys are in a bathroom. One is having a bath, the
other is brushing their teeth.
The monkey in the bath says "OOOH OOOH OOOH, EEE EEE EEE", in
a typical monkey fashion.
The other monkey replies "If it's too hot, put some cold water
in, you fool".
Works better as an aural gag, but what the hell.
-----------------
poster: Nol
subject: Marvelous Medical Machine
date: Sun Aug 10 17:06:04 2003
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I
guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug
store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose
your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs
$10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine
sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured
in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making
some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause
out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have
tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It
will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was
and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder
if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He
mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine
samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated
into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the
sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual
noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has
worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in
a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They
aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better.
-----------------
poster: Nol
subject: Cinderella
date: Sun Aug 10 17:09:43 2003
Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now
dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the
world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for
companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all
these years?"
The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an
exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which
your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first
wish: I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella
was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and
scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.
Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy
Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart
want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were
young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish
became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for
years. A long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through
her.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what
shall you have?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and
says,"I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and
handsome young man".
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man,
so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever
seen,so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his
feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy
your new life."
And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect
man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat
transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young
muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as
he whispered, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"
-----------------
poster: Ant
subject: EatPizza
date: Sat Aug 16 10:43:36 2003
What the hell is wrong with these people?!
10:39:27 Kaos [EatPizza]: i thought you typed with your nipples
10:39:30 Ant <>: I wouldn't mind giving the girls a skirtful ;)
10:39:39 [EatPizza]: Kaos waves Hi! to Ant.
10:39:42 Athena -'-,<@ EatPizza @>,-'-: nahh, makes em too sore
10:39:45 Ant <>: GODDAMNITFUCKSHITCOCKSUCKERASSRAMWHOREBOLLOCKS
10:39:45 Athena -'-,<@ EatPizza @>,-'-: eq party would kill me
10:39:57 Sumerion [EatPizza]: now u using to difficult words:P
10:40:00 Baer [EatPizza]: linda -> (o Y o) athena -> ( o )( o )
10:40:21 Athena -'-,<@ EatPizza @>,-'-: laf
10:40:21 [EatPizza]: Grasfer points at Ant and starts laughing hysterically.
10:40:24 Sumerion [EatPizza]: well say what u want:P
10:40:33 Kaos [EatPizza]: baer -> |.#.|
10:40:45 [EatPizza]: Grasfer ehehs.
10:41:00 Baer [EatPizza]: koma |. . | (pump pump)
10:41:09 Kaos [EatPizza]: ahaha
10:41:21 Athena -'-,<@ EatPizza @>,-'-: laf
10:41:21 Kaos [EatPizza]: me -> ./ (pump pump)
10:41:36 [EatPizza]: Sumerion [fapfaping]:
10:41:45 [EatPizza]: Sumerion fapfaps at Kaos!
-----------------
poster: Paw
subject: Airline Announcement
date: Thu Aug 21 04:25:07 2003
AIRPLANE SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for
sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable safety PA from their flight
attendants. In his own words.... I was flying to San Francisco
from Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the
flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other
like "what the heck?" (Getting Seattle people to look at each other
is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop
and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few
parts I'm sure, but this is most of it.
Before takeoff... ---------------------------------
There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing
exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold
on, let me check what it is. Oh here it is
the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind. In a moment we will be
turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark,
really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time
to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on
your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you
absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.
We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for
choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If
there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please
don't hesitate to ask. If you all weren't strapped down you would
have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?
After landing...
---------------------------------------
Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the
bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the co-pilot's
fault. It's the Asphalt. Please remain seated until the plane is
parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a
plane to the gate. So please don't even try. Please be careful
opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."
-----------------
poster: Gabriel
subject: puns
date: Sat Aug 30 15:31:10 2003
These are kindof cute. . . .
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead
raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, Gentlemen.
Only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to
Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the
cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally,
became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. There were two Eskimos sitting in a kayak. They were cold so
they lit a fire, and the craft sank. It only proved, once again, that
you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He
slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my
paw."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a
root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them
to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he
said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a
family in Spain and they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she
tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her
husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to
buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up
t
the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't
close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and
only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him... what? Answer: A super
calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns
to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
-----------------
poster: Gabriel
subject: joke
date: Sat Aug 30 15:32:37 2003
This is too.
As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her
husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her
closet and asked her husband never to touch it.
For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was
old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he
found the box again and thought it might hold something important.
Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the
box to her and asked about the con
contents.
"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained.
"She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I
got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at
him twice.
"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."
-----------------
poster: Quillz
subject: As I've Matured...
date: Mon Sep 8 22:06:44 2003
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do
is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only
takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they
are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in
your house, one of your kids did it.
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken
from you too soon and all the less important
ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
**&
-----------------
poster: Nol
subject: Seriously Funny Film
date: Tue Sep 9 09:28:48 2003
Tale For The L33t
-----------------
poster: Nol
subject: >Seriously Funny Film
date: Tue Sep 9 09:29:12 2003
http://www.stileproject.com/flash/romjul.html
-----------------
poster: Khosan
subject: read this
date: Tue Sep 9 22:46:02 2003
A scftiienic study done by a Enligsh unisrevity, has shown that in any
sentnece where the two first and two last letters in each word are
matnaiined in the corerct order, the plceemant of the reimianng letters
bemoces ireavlrent. The text is just as redbaale even when the leettrs are
segniamly in radnom order. This is because we don't read each letter
seearpte, but see each word as a piuctre.
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: >read this
date: Tue Sep 9 22:49:47 2003
On Tue Sep 9 22:46:02 2003 Khosan wrote post #55:
> A scftiienic study done by a Enligsh unisrevity, has shown that in any
> sentnece where the two first and two last letters in each word are
> matnaiined in the corerct order, the plceemant of the reimianng letters
> bemoces ireavlrent. The text is just as redbaale even when the leettrs are
> segniamly in radnom order. This is because we don't read each letter
> seearpte, but see each word as a piuctre.
to enlarge our picture is actually how speed reading works, you see
words, and speed readers see paragraphs.
-----------------
poster: Genesis
subject: >>Seriously Funny Film
date: Wed Sep 10 04:44:56 2003
that rocks, i love you. although if i had know that the site had
pron on it i would have watched it when i got home rather than when
i got to babysitting eheh :p
-----------------
poster: Lu
subject: >read this
date: Wed Sep 10 06:34:34 2003
On Tue Sep 9 22:46:02 2003 Khosan wrote post #55:
> A scftiienic study done by a Enligsh unisrevity, has shown that in any
> sentnece where the two first and two last letters in each word are
> matnaiined in the corerct order, the plceemant of the reimianng letters
> bemoces ireavlrent. The text is just as redbaale even when the leettrs are
> segniamly in radnom order. This is because we don't read each letter
> seearpte, but see each word as a piuctre.
So zifnab doesn't typo, he just types for the speedreader!
-----------------
poster: Tantrum
subject: use deathblow
date: Wed Sep 10 15:06:38 2003
MONKEYS!
I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought
that odd since they were normally a couple thousand.
I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I
like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact,
none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in
their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals.
I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment.
They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds
and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first,
the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta'
dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five
hours later. Darn
cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over
my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my
bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked
for a while, that is until they began to decompose.
It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead
monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber.
I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.
Unfortunately, there was
only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them
every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the
freezer so it didn't all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had
to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen
monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead,charred monkeys in a
pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to
use the bathroom. I
severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city
was not allowed to dispose of charred primates.
I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I
didn't bother asking about the
frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts.
My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they
like them, but I could tell they were lying.
Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.
-----------------
poster: Zifnab
subject: >>read this
date: Wed Sep 10 15:34:03 2003
On Wed Sep 10 06:34:34 2003 Lu wrote post #58:
> On Tue Sep 9 22:46:02 2003 Khosan wrote post #55:
> > A scftiienic study done by a Enligsh unisrevity, has shown that in any
> > sentnece where the two first and two last letters in each word are
> > matnaiined in the corerct order, the plceemant of the reimianng letters
> > bemoces ireavlrent. The text is just as redbaale even when the leettrs are
> > segniamly in radnom order. This is because we don't read each letter
> > seearpte, but see each word as a piuctre.
> So zifnab doesn't typo, he just types for the speedreader!
cheer
-----------------
poster: Quillz
subject: >use deathblow
date: Wed Sep 10 18:12:28 2003
On Wed Sep 10 15:06:38 2003 Tantrum wrote post #59:
> MONKEYS!
> I like monkeys.
> The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought
> that odd since they were normally a couple thousand.
> I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I
> like monkeys.
>
> I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His
> name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact,
> none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in
> their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals.
> I stopped laughing.
>
> I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
> environment.
> They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds
> and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first,
> the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
>
> Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
> they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta'
> dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five
> hours later. Darn
> cheap monkeys.
>
> I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over
> my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my
> bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
>
> I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.
>
> Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
>
> I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked
> for a while, that is until they began to decompose.
> It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead
> monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber.
> I was embarrassed.
>
> I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.
> Unfortunately, there was
> only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them
> every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the
> freezer so it didn't all go bad.
>
> I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had
> to extinguish the fire.
>
> Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen
> monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead,charred monkeys in a
> pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.
>
> I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to
> use the bathroom. I
> severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
>
> I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city
> was not allowed to dispose of charred primates.
> I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I
> didn't bother asking about the
> frozen ones.
>
> I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts.
>
> My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they
> like them, but I could tell they were lying.
> Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
>
> I like monkeys.
>
>
The person that wrote this is a good friend of mine. He wrote it
the year before I started going to college.
so HA!
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: butt
date: Wed Sep 10 23:58:54 2003
A woman is standing naked in front of her mirror, examining her
breasts. She says to her husband, "I think I'd like to have bigger
boobs, but breast implants are so expensive and dangeous, what do
you think I should do?"
The husband replies, "Why not take a piece of toilet paper and rub
it between them, then see what happens."
The wife was puzzeled as to how that would help, but tried it
anyway. After a month of rubbing toilet paper between her breasts,
she saw no change.
"OK,"she said to her husband, "I've rubbed toilet paper between my
boobs for a month now and I see no change, what made you think that
would work?"
"Well it seems to have worked for your ass!"
-----------------
poster: Bahgtru
subject: Graffiti
date: Tue Sep 16 16:20:19 2003
Written in a women's bathroom: "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it: "I do not woman!!!"
-----------------
poster: Teego
subject: Blah blah
date: Wed Sep 17 22:15:29 2003
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht
oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny
iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and
lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can
be a total mses and you can
sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae
the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: >Blah blah
date: Wed Sep 17 22:24:21 2003
On Wed Sep 17 22:15:29 2003 Teego wrote post #64:
>
> Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
> Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht
> oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny
> iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and
> lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can
> be a total mses and you can
> sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae
> the huamn mnid deos not raed
> ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
>
>
>
this is the part where the whole mud flames you for double posting
oh wait thats ubersite
my bad
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: ARRRRRR
date: Fri Sep 19 00:40:56 2003
So, this pirate walks into a bar. He has a steering wheel in his
pants. The bartender is totally mystified. So he asks, "What the
hell is that in your pants?!? It looks like a steering wheel". The
pirate looks at him and says "Yar, that it is, and its driving me
nuts!!"
hey guys dont forget
http://www.talklikeapirate.com/
-----------------
poster: Jaguar
subject: d&d
date: Fri Sep 19 14:20:28 2003
I've never played D&D, this kinda makes me wish I had though:
http://www.cliveblackledge.com/8bit/8bitDandD.html
brought to you in hot 8-bit graphic action!
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: hotel billings
date: Wed Sep 24 22:09:40 2003
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high...you might want to use
this logic....... A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West
to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too
tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a
nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours
and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later,
the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands
to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that, although
it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on
speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and
then explains that the hotel has an Olympic- sized pool and a huge
conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them", the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He
goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood
and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies. No
matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies,
"But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is
surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my
wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: The Pope's Visit
date: Thu Sep 25 01:37:32 2003
The Pope makes a state visit to Britain...
It's the second day and it's been a long one.
So many people want to talk to the pope. He's
been busy all day and decides to get some peace
and quiet in his limo. No guards, just
him in the back and the chauffeur.
After a while, the pope pushes the button to
lower the front partition and asks the
chauffeur "What is it like to drive this car?"
The chauffeur is a little surprised, but answers
"It's very nice, your Holiness. This is
a marvellous car. Despite its size, it handles
perfectly."
The pope thinks for a moment, then says thoughtfully:
"It has been many years since I have driven. Would you
mind if we changed places for a while?"
The chauffeur certainly doesn't mind. He'll be able
to tell people that he has been driven by the pope. How
many people could say that? They change places...
In such a well-made car, it may not be obvious when
you are travelling fast. Very little engine
noise, very smooth ride. It's evening and
the motorway is almost empty. The pope soon
has the car up to 100mph without really noticing.
The police notice, though, and the limo is
pulled over by a copper on a bike. When
he sees that the pope is driving, he calls back
to the station for advice:
"I've pulled someone over doing 100mph. Obviously
speeding, but they're a VIP and I don't want to
cause an incident."
"Is it the Chief Superintendant?"
"No, more important than him."
"The Chief Constable?"
"No, more important than him."
"There aren't many people more important than
him...the Prime Minister?"
"No, more important than him.
"Don't tell me you've pulled the Queen over for
speeding!"
"No, more important than her."
"More important than the Queen! Who could
be more important than the Queen? I'll never
guess, you'll have to tell me."
"Well, I didn't get to see them, but they're
so important that the Pope is their
chauffeur!"
-----------------
poster: Heavenly
subject: The english language
date: Sat Sep 27 03:31:45 2003
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.>
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
pine in
pineapple.
English Muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in
France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet or
bread, are
meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we
find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig
is
neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers
don't groce
and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth,
beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it
seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of
them,
what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
Asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at
a play
and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet
that
smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a
wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling
it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at
all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights
are out, they are invisible.
Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick."
Finally, "the only way to stop this computer is to push the "Start"
Button."
sent to me, but thought i'd share with the mud.
heavenly
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: A woman goes to the Doctor...
date: Wed Oct 1 06:06:22 2003
A middle-aged woman went to the Doctors with unusual symptoms...
"Doctor, every time I go to the toilet, I pass coins of small
value. 1p, 2p, sometimes 5p. I'm not swallowing them. I
have no idea where they are coming from."
The doctor gives the woman a thorough examination to
get to the bottom of these perplexing symptoms...
"It's not abnormal. You're going through the change."
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: hadooken theorom
date: Thu Oct 2 23:47:42 2003
saw this on a site i visit regularly, figured id share
With my supreme manipulation of mathematics and my love for science,
I have developed this simple formula. With it you can decipher your
chances of getting laid with everyday people you meet in social
situations.
(2H-D+X-L-U-Y)F=E
H = Her/His Hotness on the classic 1-10 scale. It is multiplied by
two because hunting is not always easy. Always expect more
resistance the better looking they are.
D = Number of drinks target has consumed. The more they have had to
drink, the higher the chance you will score.
X = This is a judgment call. Add points for things "X-Factors" that
are working against you. (Shitty atmosphere, cock blocking, etc...)
L = Your hotness on same 1-10 scale (May have to use outside
resources to research)
U = This can be a tricky one to figure out. You must determine how
close you are to your "Optimal drunkenness". Not enough drinks and
you could lose some of the much needed courage and relaxation needed
to make a successful attempt. Too much, and you're obviously gonna
fuck it up. Have your close friends examine you and award you a fair
amount of points. The closer you are to your optimal amount of
drinks, the higher your score here is.
Y = Is the inverse of X. Here is where you will use your judgment to
subtract points based on factors that work TO your advantage.
(little to no competition, body language etc...)
F = Friend Ratio You don't want to be outnumbered and at the same
time, having too many in your party can be a little intimidating.
Find the difference between the number of people in the targets
party and yours, and this will give you F.
E = Effort on your part that you will have to put forth to gain
entrance to your targets pants. Another way to describe E, is how
much game you have, charisma, charm, all these things will determine
how much is required.
Lets apply this formula to gain a better understanding of how it works.
You and a friend are in a bar and you notice a table of 4 girls. The
one you have your eye on is about an 8.
H=16
Judging by her actions we will say 1-3 drinks were consumed. We will
take the middle path and go with 2.
D=2
It's a Tuesday night, not many people in the place. It's clean and
the music isn't bad. Nothing really working against you and being no
interference to be run we will say...
X=0 Y=2
You're an average guy, not spectacular. People give you maybe a 6.
L=6
Normally about 4 drinks into the night is when you are in your
groove. It's still a bit early and you don't want to overdo it and
end up with a hangover tomorrow at work. You had 2 and you're gonna
finish your 3rd before the approach. You were one drink away from
being in your zone, therefore...
U=1
4 people in her group, 2 in yours.
F=2
Using our math skills we see that
(16-2+0-6-2+1)2=E
E=14
The only problem with this method that I have found is, graphing E
(effort) in a manner to know if 14 is a lot of effort or a minimal
amount of effort. This will take lots of field research. Feel free
to apply this in your life and share the results with the rest of
us.
-----------------
poster: Dagger
subject: New Element: Governmentium
date: Fri Oct 10 08:05:23 2003
A major research institution has recently
announced the discovery of the heaviest
chemical element yet known to science.
The new element has been named
"Governmentium". Governmentium has 1 neutron,
12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons,
and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it
an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by
forces called morons, which are surrounded by
vast quantities of lepton-like particles
called peons.
Since governmentium has no electrons, it is
inert. However, it can be detected as it
impedes every reaction with which it comes
into contact. A minute amount of
governmentium causes one reaction to take
over 4 days to complete when it would
normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to
6 years; it does not decay, but instead
undergoes a reorganization in which a portion
of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons
exchange places.
In fact, governmentium's mass will actually
increase over time, since each reorganization
causes some morons to become neutrons,
forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads
some scientists to speculate that
governmentium is formed whenever morons reach
a certain quantity in concentration. This
hypothetical quantity is referred to as
"Critical Morass".
You will know it when you see it.
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: this is marginally funny
date: Fri Oct 10 21:16:34 2003
http://www.thewavemag.com/pagegen.php?pagename=article&articleid=24184
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: A new pronoun
date: Tue Oct 14 06:03:57 2003
Since the meaning of "he" has been changed over the last few
decades, English lacks an explicitly singular sex-neutral
pronoun for a person. I have solved this problem.
People will complain unless the female pronoun is
given priority, but some inclusion is wanted.
So, obviously, it's a case of "She, he or it".
This is very cumbersome, but fortunately it can
be shortened into something usable simply by squashing
it down a bit. Therefore, "She, he or it" becomes "shit".
A new pronoun for the English language. Use it freely, I
haven't copyrighted it.
-----------------
poster: Zifnab
subject: priceless parody
date: Thu Oct 16 20:09:51 2003
Not that I think the cubs lost because of this, just
found it amusing...
http://www.hometown.aol.com/parlaycard/myhomepage/
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: golfthumb
date: Fri Oct 17 04:51:53 2003
Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them
slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the
men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to
him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical
therapist and can help ease his pain.
"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he
replies quietly with his hands still between his legs.
Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the
front of his pant and starts massaging his genitals.
"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.
"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb
still hurts like hell."
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: the hooker and the disciple
date: Fri Oct 31 01:09:57 2003
A hooker was at her corner, trying to pick up a 'John' as clients
are called in the buisness. She was doing horribly, and if she
didn't get at least one John a night, her pimp would slap her
senseless.
A disciple of Lloth was strolling down the street when the hooker
caught his eye. The man had never been with a woman, before so her
offer was appealing (this having nothing to do with the fact that he
was a disciple but that he was ugly.).
"As much as I would love to do you in the pooper, all I have are
these robes and this lucky rabbits foot to pay you with."
the disciple hands her a small rabbits foot.
The hooker holds the foot up to a street lamp an examines it, trying
to figure out how she can convince her pimp that it is worth
something. The foot was your usual dead rabbit appendage, but was
still covered in blood. The hooker screamed and dropped the foot,
which as things go, promptly found its way into a storm drain.
The disciple looked at her and said, "You dropped my rabbits foot".
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: string
date: Wed Nov 5 00:00:43 2003
A string walks into a bar, sits down on a stool, and orders a beer.
The bartender looks at him for a second and then says, "We don't
serve your kind around here. Strings are nothin but trouble."
The string, perplexed, gets up and walks outside. This is the only
bar in this town and the string really wants a beer.
While he is trying to figure out what to do, he paces back and
forth, stirring up dirt, wrapping his ends around eachother, his
ends are starting to come apart as he paces and then he gets an
idea.
He starts rolling around on the ground, pulling this end through
that loop, loosing his ends, putting that loop around the other end.
After a few minutes of this he walks back into the bar.
The string sits down on a stool and orders a beer.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey son, aren't you that
string that was in here a moment ago?"
The string looks at him and says, "No sir, I'm a frayed knot."
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: Blatant Self-Indulgence
date: Sat Nov 8 03:29:45 2003
Hi yall,
As the holiday season approaches, I think we could all use a
little perspective on the important things in life, namely beerfarts.
I posted this last year in obscene. This year I'm posting it in
jokes so it gets archived. Love me.
This happened to me 12/24/02:
I went shopping this past christmas eve desperate to find a gift for
my best friend. We've been working closely remodeling my house for
the last month and that singular focus caused a form of 'writer's
block' for me in trying to decide what to get him. We've been
friends for years and I always try to outdo myself each year in
terms of finding a gift that is original, creative, and useful.
This year I had no inspiration. And because of the work we'd been
doing, I quickly found myself short on time and resources. Luckily
I found a quaint little shop, almost by accident, in our 'historic'
district, next door to one my sister had mentioned to me as having
some things she wanted. The store I found sold a melange of feel-good
items: specialty pastas, sauces, gourmet coffees, chais,
aromatherapy products, scented candles, and an entire array of
Burt's Bees line of skin care products (good stuff!). Well I was
store was perfect and I had never known it was here. The owner
was a kindly and helpful, if slightly effiminate, middle-aged man
who patiently answered all my questions about the various products
available as I put together this gift package. When I get excited,
I get talkative, and after finally deciding and paying for 7 or 8
items the man offered to arrange the items in a gift basket for me.
Not being in a huge hurry myself, I accepted his offer to follow him
back to the wrapping booth to continue our chat. I had begun telling
him about my friend, and our house project, and how pleased and
was an appreciative conversationalist, and responded with stories of
his own, telling me about his wife's attempted remodeling of their
house and his other full-time job as a typesetter. Your typical
holiday conversation: lively, good-natured, nostalgic...
La dee freakin' da.
It was at this point that fate and circumstance combined to cause
the epitome of a social disaster.
As part of my celebratory regimen for the holiday season I had the
previous evening engaged in a bout of serious beer-drinking. The
featured fare for the evening: Miller HighLife in bottles. Ahh, the
champagne of beers... a watery pilsener bearing the distinction of
producing some of the worst beershits in history. You can drink 20
of these things and keep on ticking, never paying the piper till the
next morning on the crapper. Well, I hadn't had time that morning to
make my offering to the hangover gods, so I was still bottled up. My
stomach had been rumbling all morning and I'd been putting off
dealing with it due to my urgency in getting finished with christmas
shopping so that I might relax and enjoy the rest of the holiday. It
all came together in that instant. I was distracted from my bowels,
which had to that point been brewing this debacle of smells, by my
previously described excitement. When the beerfart came, it came
quietly. In fact, so quietly that I paid it no heed in my haste to
finish some bit of bandiment with the owner, as he listened and
wrapped my precious gift with care. Then it hit my nostrils and I
knew it was wrong, very wrong. Atrocious and awful, the kind of fart
that makes it difficult to breathe, the kind of stench that elicits
beads of sweat on the forehead and a slight case of veritgo. A
stinkbomb without peer. Imagine if you will the sort of fart that,
were it your own, would make you giggle at first, then frown, then
cringe, then LEAVE the area. With each passing breath it grew more
flavorful. A triple scoop of rotten ass. The alpha, the omega, the
quintessential SBD. If there had been a geiger counter in the room,
it might have saved us, but alas...
By this point the owner had launched into his dissertation on the
history of type-setting. I had no graceful recourse to warn him or
diffuse the beast. After all, friendly as we were, we were still
just let one go and damn if it's not one of the bad ones...' I tried
an inconspicuous wave of my hand behind me to no avail. Hand-fanning
this one was like trying to put out a forest fire with a teaspoon.
He didn't understand the torture he was about to endure. 'I began
typesetting at age fourt....' He stopped. Our conversation had just
hit the mountain like the proverbial Cissna. He sniffed. It was too
late for him, too late for me. I was trapped by his pretense of
storytelling, he was trapped by his task. The silence continued. The
stench grew more powerful. My eyes began to fidget nervously around
the room. He began to wrap a bit faster. My companion for the day,
our former exchange student who also had some last minute shopping
to do, was eyeing me critically from 15 feet away. He knew it was me
because he had been my drinking buddy the previous evening. Oh my
GOD, he was 15 feet away.
In a futile and laughable attempt to preserve my dignity and spare
this gentleman any more pain, I awkwardly stepped a few yards away
and pretended to inspect some merchandise that had caught my eye,
hoping that the monster would follow me like a dimwitted pet. 20
seconds later I stepped back to the ledge of the wrapping booth only
to discover nothing had changed in the olfactory department. I'm
By this times his hands were flying as he earnestly vied for the
world-record time in finishing a tasteful gift basket. Alas, for a
full 2 stinking minutes we stood there. Finally he handed me my
finished gift basket without a word. I mumbled, 'Sorry, looks
great,' and made for a hasty exit. As I hit the sidewalk my exchange
student companion turned back as the owner called to him. He
and he handed me a brochure. 'He asked me to give you this. It's for
their website.' I noticed the name of the store on the brochure,
'Enhancing Moments.' Yeah right. I guess I should take that as an
omen I won't be shopping there in person anymore...
Happy Holidays
-----------------
poster: Daneel
subject: Episcopal doings
date: Sat Nov 8 18:14:52 2003
"The actions taken by the New Hampshire Episcopalians are an affront
to Christians everywhere. I am just thankful that the church's founder,
Henry VIII, and his wife Catherine of Aragon, his wife Anne Boleyn, his
wife Jane Seymour, his wife Anne of Cleves, his wife Katherine Howard,
and his wife Catherine Parr are no longer here to suffer through this
assault on our 'traditional Christian marriage.'"
(supposedly from an editorial letter to the LA Times)
-----------------
poster: Ertai
subject: Why I want to go to hell
date: Sun Nov 9 10:38:59 2003
Why would a person want to go to hell? I mean it's full of fire
and brimstone. Why would an angel choose a future in hell was
better than heaven? the answer to that question eluded me for
a long time. Clarity came to my mind when of all places, I
exited a movie theater. A lesbian couple paused to enjoy a kiss
and like all red-blooded men, I paused to enjoy the scenery.
Some religious asshole disrupted the festivities by rudely
informing that couple that they were going straight to hell.
Admittedly, that's a fine reason in of itself to go to hell
but it did get me thinking. That's quite dangerous for me.
Well, this is what I came up with. God made Man in his own
image. It follows then that Man looks like God. All religions
that I am aware of agree on that point. The interesting thing
about that is that all men have one thing in common: a dick.
More importantly, the desire to use it. After all, what's the
point in being all powerful if you can't get laid? So God
created a race of beautiful winged beings called angels. Hey,
if you were all powerful, wouldn't you do the same? But then
I noticed something. All the angels I could remember in the
bible were men. That throws a wrinkle in the mix. You have a
God with a dick and an inclination to use it surrounded by beautiful
winged men
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what God does
with his rocket. This actually explains a lot of things. First,
why priests prefer young boys instead of girls. They are just
following the example of their Lord and Savior. Second, why the
Virgin Mary was a virgin. Shit, if you were a God that preferred
men, why would you fuck a girl when all you have to do is wave your
hand? Being all-powerful has it's perks. And last, why the Devil
chose to go to Hell. If you had to spend eternity being fucked in
the ass by a guy referred to as the Almighty, you'd be grouchy too.
If that's heaven, then I'm going to hell. Know what's ironic.
That religious asshole is going to heaven someday. And God will
be waiting for him with his rocket in his hand. Hallelejuh!
-----------------
poster: Athena
subject: Especially for Jant :)
date: Wed Nov 12 10:45:33 2003
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable.
No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the
feeling that my boss
thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but
lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned
humiliating. I simply
mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I
hoped I would feel
up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I
could think up a
doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in
to my wife's wishes
to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new
acquisition was no
problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower
after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out
to me from the
kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please
come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through
the shower
pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts
going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then,
C'mon, it'll only take you a second.
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping
that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement
about how I
perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head
under the sink to find the button.
It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect
to my circumstances.
No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into
its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who
discovered the
fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging
between my legs.
She had been poised around the corner and stalked me
as I reached under the sink.
And, at the precise moment when I was most
vulnerable, she leapt at
the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with
her needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily
movements,
blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the
full
weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or
flight" syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight"
option. I know this from
experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air
when the sink and
cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood
over me. Now there are not many things in this life
worse than finding
oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in
front of a group of
"been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife,
the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they
tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to
suppress their
hysterical laughter.......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all.
A few days later I finally made it back in to the
office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation
out of me
about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was
too
painful to talk about. Which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked.
Cat got your tongue?
If they only knew!
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: eheh
date: Thu Nov 13 21:59:35 2003
if i'm doubleposting you can shoot me in the face:
http://members.cox.net/impunity/endofworld.swf
FIRE ZEE MISSILES!!!
(wtf? m)
-----------------
poster: Tranquil
subject: Baby planes?
date: Sat Nov 15 14:40:50 2003
A mother and her son were flying American Airlines from New York
to LA. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to
his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats
have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask
the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs
have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes
have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your
mother," she responded, "that there are no baby planes because
American Airlines always pulls out on time. Now let your mother
explain that to you."
-----------------
poster: Athena (Web)
subject: >Baby planes?
date: Sun Nov 16 05:22:20 2003
On Sat Nov 15 14:40:50 2003 Tranquil wrote post #85 in jokes:
> A mother and her son were flying American Airlines from New York
> to LA. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to
> his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats
> have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
Thanks Tranqy, that brought back good memories of when i was
a stewardess for them. That was one of our favorite jokes at
the time. :)
Big SMOOCHIES TO TRANQY!!!
-----------------
poster: Athena (Web)
subject: >Baby planes?
date: Sun Nov 16 05:22:32 2003
On Sat Nov 15 14:40:50 2003 Tranquil wrote post #85 in jokes:
> A mother and her son were flying American Airlines from New York
> to LA. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to
> his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats
> have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
Thanks Tranqy, that brought back good memories of when i was
a stewardess for them. That was one of our favorite jokes at
the time. :)
Big SMOOCHIES TO TRANQY!!!
-----------------
poster: Tigran
subject: Portable Party
date: Wed Nov 19 13:23:18 2003
It's a portable party! Some people might have to download and then play.
I don't want to hear whining and bitching that it's in .mov format and might
require QuickTime. If you are against that, don't download this.
Otherwise enjoy!
http://elpha.crappyhosting.com/SA/Party%20Hard.mov.bak
-----------------
poster: Runostord (Web)
subject: >Portable Party
date: Thu Nov 20 01:32:38 2003
On Wed Nov 19 13:23:18 2003 Tigran wrote post #88 in jokes:
> It's a portable party! Some people might have to download and then play.
> I don't want to hear whining and bitching that it's in .mov format and might
> require QuickTime. If you are against that, don't download this.
>
> Otherwise enjoy!
>
> http://elpha.crappyhosting.com/SA/Party%20Hard.mov.bak
Haha!! That was a great video. I sat and partied hard through the whole thing..
-----------------
poster: Quillz
subject: MJ
date: Fri Nov 21 18:30:08 2003
How does Michael Jackson know when it's time for bed?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
Where did he go to college?
Brigham Young.
-----------------
poster: Rancor
subject: >MJ
date: Fri Nov 21 23:09:37 2003
and ironicly he was in las vegas shooting a video with R. Kelly when
the arrest warrant was issued
Hrm strange company this man keeps
Rancor
-----------------
poster: Athena (Web)
subject: >MJ
date: Sat Nov 22 09:09:06 2003
On Fri Nov 21 18:30:08 2003 Quillz wrote post #90 in jokes:
> How does Michael Jackson know when it's time for bed?
>
>
> When the big hand touches the little hand.
>
>
> Where did he go to college?
>
>
> Brigham Young.
> Why was he fired as a Cub Scout leader?
He was already up to a pack a day :P
-----------------
poster: Nol
subject: Michael Jackson Arrest Warrant Issued
date: Sat Nov 22 09:52:47 2003
Ann arrest warrant has been issued for Michael Jackson. Apparently
police found class A drugs in his lounge, class B drugs in his
kitchen and class 5C in his bedroom!
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: Groan now, save time after the joke
date: Sun Nov 23 01:11:13 2003
A man enters a pub and orders a round of drinks. Four pints
of bitter, 2 pints of lager, a whisky and a double vodka.
As the barman is passing the last two pints to him, the man
says "If you knew what I had, you wouldn't serve me."
Thinking of various vile diseases, the barman backs off a little
and says "What do you have?"
The man replies "50 pence".
Gah, 'had' should be 'have', above.
-----------------
poster: Illusions
subject: When you see LOTR3 - The survival guide
date: Sun Nov 23 08:46:12 2003
1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait...
where the hell is Harry Potter?"
2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: "YOU SHALL NOT
PASS!" - After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."
3. At some point during the movie, stand up and shout: "I must go!
Middle Earth needs me!" and run and try to jump into the screen.
After bouncing off, return quietly to your seat.
4. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time
someone says: "The Ring."
5. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
6. Ask the nearest ring-nut if he thinks Gandalf went to Hogwarts
7. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr. Anderson."
8. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your
lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"
9. At the end, complain that Gollum was offensive to Ethiopians
10. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off
someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
11. When Shelob appears, pinch the guy in front of you on the back
of the neck.
12. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep"
Monty Python style.
13. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
14. Ask people around you who they think is the next "Terminator"
sent from the Middle Earth of the future to assassinate Frodo
Baggins
15. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout
"RUN FOREST, RUN!"
16. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien
about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the
theatre.
17. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"
18. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of
a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
19. Start an Orc sing-a-long.
20. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around
looking terribly confused.
-----------------
poster: Waz
subject: firearm safety tips
date: Tue Nov 25 02:42:17 2003
(courtesy of The Onion)
-- Instill in your children a healthy fear of guns by drunkenly waving
one in their faces whenever you've had a few too many.
-- If you shoot yourself in the foot, immediately contact a therapist
to help you confront your fear of success.
-- Dismantle your gun and melt it into a plowshare.
-- Have spouse and children wear blaze orange and shout, "Family coming
through!" when moving from room to room in your house.
-- Unload gun each night by firing into ceiling, counting each bullet
in screamed German.
-- Store your gun at least four feet from your liquor cabinet.
-- Stress to your children that guns are only for shooting
bad people. Make sure they know the difference between good and bad
people by having them name examples of each from their daily lives.
-- Boil your bullets to prevent transmitting germs to people
you shoot.
-- Never use a firearm to settle a poker dispute, unless
it's the absolute last option.
-- Shoot a puppy at point-blank range to illustrate to your
children the seriousness of guns.
-- When preparing to pistol-whip somebody, make sure the safety
is on.
-- Don't leave bullets on the floor where you can slip on them.
That's the REAL killer.
-----------------
poster: Panza
subject: the monkey thing
date: Sun Nov 30 17:11:15 2003
the guy who wrote the monkey monologue is also a good friend of
mine, and performed in the comedy troupe with me, mad props to
tantrum for getting that into jokes, it killed when it was performed
:)
Panza
-----------------
poster: nurt (Web)
subject: HOW TO GET TO THE TOP!
date: Tue Dec 2 15:36:09 2003
HOW TO GET TO THE TOP!
Simple Maths
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give
over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:
What makes up 100% in life?
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
However,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and knowledge will get you close,
And, Attitude will get you there,
Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top
LIKE IT?
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: yep
date: Wed Dec 3 15:57:07 2003
http://www.jeffgoldblumiswatchingyoupoop.com
-----------------
poster: Celine
subject: >a bad day
date: Thu Dec 11 18:20:09 2003
this is actually funny? uhm... please paste jokes about RAPE in
obscene or not at all
thanks
-cel
-----------------
poster: Tigran
subject: >>a bad day
date: Thu Dec 11 20:34:28 2003
I concur, and thus have deleted it..
-----------------
poster: Daneel
subject: Squirrels are Messengers from God
date: Mon Dec 15 19:16:42 2003
http://cuagain.manilasites.com/stories/storyReader$287
-----------------
poster: Spiraldancer
subject: Shopping with Spam
date: Mon Dec 15 22:59:28 2003
http://www.thewavemag.com/pagegen.php?pagename=article&articleid=24417
-----------------
poster: Flamestar
subject: The Naked Truth
date: Fri Dec 19 02:55:23 2003
A woman standing naked in front of a bedroom mirror says to her
husband, "Honey, I look fat, ugly, and pale. Give me a compliment
to cheer me up."
The husband thinks for a second and replies, "At least there's
nothing wrong with your eyesight."
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: Never ever ever try to play Isketch
date: Sat Dec 20 00:47:38 2003
Plz don't ever try to play Isketch ever ever never.
or this might happen: (v scarey)
Uno {furd}: HAY ISKETCH DOODS
Koma [furd]: HAYY!!!!!
Kaos (furd): omg isketch sux
Kaos (furd): inkalink plz
Uno {furd}: inkalink?
Koma [furd]: wtf
Kaos (furd): isketch++
Koma [furd]: HATEEEE
Uno {furd}: inkalink.com?
Kaos (furd): actually http://www.shockwave.com/sw/content/inklink15
Uno {furd}: k lets do that instead
Zyz [ajax]: I AM HERE
September [ajax]: where to go?
Kaos (furd): what room?
Koma [furd]: mike's bedroom loloooo
September [ajax]: what? which one?
Kaos (furd): ahaha
Kaos (furd): /j mike's bedroom
Koma [furd]: go jacko go
Kaos (furd): *YOU GET RAPED. -500 POINTS.
Kaos (furd): i lost :/
Koma [furd]: ahahahahaaha
Uno {ajax}: http://www.shockwave.com/sw/content/inklink15
Koma [furd]: *YOU GET SEXUALLY HARRASSED BY A PALE WEIRD LOOKING
EX-BLACK GUY. -438 POINTS.
Koma [furd]: wtf
Kaos (furd): go to Allusers4 - TheFoyer4
Kaos (furd): ahha
Kaos (furd): *TWO FINGERS IN ASS = 10 POINTS LOSS DUDE
Koma [furd]: ahahhahha
[furd]: Koma laughs so hard he chokes.
Uno {furd}: p.s. kaos how to play inkalink?
Uno {furd}: how do we make our own games?
Kaos (furd): p.s. press play on tape
Kaos (furd): are you Guest15175?
Koma [furd]: are you Guest15166???
Kaos (furd): yes!!
September [ajax]: how do i play?
Uno {ajax}: i'm trying to find out
Koma [furd]: woowoo!!!
Zyz [ajax]: I'm totally there tho
Kaos (furd): ahaha
You tell Kaos (Dead), Koma , September , Zyz : plz instruct us on
how to get into the same room together kaos
Koma tells Kaos, September, Zyz and you : jone game
Koma tells Kaos, September, Zyz and you : lol
You tell Kaos (Dead), Koma , September , Zyz : which game?
Zyz tells Kaos, Koma, September and you : ANGRY
Zyz tells Kaos, Koma, September and you : which game GRR
September [ajax]: room allusers, thefoyer4
September [ajax]: ?
Kaos tells Koma, September, Zyz and you : http://www.
hockwave.com/contentPlay/shockwave.jsp?id=inklink15 join room
AllUsers TheFoyer4 lol
Uno {ajax}: that's what i'm trying to join
Koma tells Kaos, September, Zyz and you : allusers4 - thefoyer4
Zyz [ajax]: is that beginner?
Zyz [ajax]: I'm loading
September [ajax]: i'm crashing
You tell Kaos (Dead), Koma , September , Zyz : dude... there are
sucky people in this room
Zyz [ajax]: I may have to go work more
You tell Kaos (Dead), Koma , September , Zyz : if we play isketch
we can at least make a room w/ 4 people max
September tells Kaos, Koma and you : or five
Koma tells Kaos, September and you : yes
Koma tells Kaos, September and you : or six
Kaos tells Koma, September and you : yeah
You tell Kaos (Dead), Koma , September : ok, me/koma/kaos/septy
You tell Kaos (Dead), Koma , September : isketch room omgiomlol
Kaos tells Koma, September and you : more liek se7en am i rite lolo
September tells Kaos, Koma and you : we hate zyz now?
You tell Kaos (Dead), Koma , September : zyz had to work
Koma tells Kaos, September and you : whine
Koma tells Kaos, September and you : those people rushed me :C
You tell Kaos (Dead), Koma , September : ok omgiomlol room is UP
Kaos tells Koma, September and you : omgogomgogmmggmggm
Koma tells Kaos, September and you : omgomgomg what
Kaos tells Koma, September and you : OMGOOGGM SPONSOR
September tells Kaos, Koma and you : are you guys playing in the foyer?
Koma tells Kaos, September and you : the ads are gay
Kaos tells Koma, September and you : nog
Baer [furd]: eheh
Baer [furd]: word from our sponsors
You tell Kaos (Dead), Koma , September : WAAAAIT GO TO ISKETCH AND PLAY IOM2
You tell Kaos (Dead), Koma , September : i had to remake to make it
4 player max
Uno {furd}: sup baer
Uno {furd}: q: are you in heat?
Koma tells Kaos, September and you : lets go to isketch lol
Kaos tells Koma, September and you : k lol
You tell Kaos (Dead), Koma , September : nods isketch room iom2
You tell Kaos (Dead), Koma , September : or maybe it's iom2 opps
Koma tells Kaos, September and you : iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiskths
Kaos tells Koma, September and you : or IS IT???
Kaos tells Koma, September and you : ehhe
Koma tells Kaos, September and you : ahahhha
September tells Kaos, Koma and you : i wonder if those people in
that room hate us now
Kaos tells Koma, September and you : i hope they do
Kaos tells Koma, September and you : i don't like people
September tells Kaos, Koma and you : hee
September tells Kaos, Koma and you : i thought you liked us?
Kaos tells Koma, September and you : the room iom2 doesn't exist
Kaos tells Koma, September and you : you are not people
Koma tells Kaos, September and you : ahahhaha
September tells Kaos, Koma and you : iom2 oops does
Kaos tells Koma, September and you : ops
Kaos tells Koma, September and you : i am drawing boobs on iom2 now
September tells Kaos, Koma and you : join us
Baer [furd]: what room dood
Koma tells Kaos, September and you : iom2
Koma [furd]: iom2
September tells Kaos, Koma and you : iom2 oops
Baer [furd]: ahaha u r not hear!
Kaos tells Koma, September and you : omg no battery
Kaos tells Koma, September and you : afk
Koma tells Kaos, September and you : omg omg
Koma [furd]: wtf
Koma [furd]: im there with kaos
Koma [furd]: and nobody else is there
September tells Kaos, Koma and you : join us kaos and koma
Koma [furd]: and it sucks because we're alone
Koma tells Kaos, September and you : we're in iom2
Koma tells Kaos, September and you : (WTF)
Kaos tells Koma, September and you : no we are
Lu -{furd}-: NAME OF ROOM!? GRR
Kaos tells Koma, September and you : and we have more boobs
Koma tells Kaos, September and you : wear r u
Kaos (furd): IOM"
Kaos (furd): 2
Koma shouts 'ROOM IS IOM2'
Koma tells Kaos, September and you : eheh manboobs
Lu -{furd}-: how the fuck do i join a room :P ANGRY
Koma [furd]: /join iom2
Koma tells Kaos, September and you : /join iom2
Lu -{furd}-: where do i type that ANGRY
Nyx <>: Anyone have a darkthorn NOT from santa?
Koma [furd]: in the prompt
Xphere [sales]: whine, i have to go check that means
Lu -{furd}-: i have no promp GRR
Tranquil -{myth}-: someone does
Water splashes about.
Sudra leaves out.
Koma [furd]: ahahhaha
Baer [furd]: how do i find hot chicks in this game?
Koma [furd]: are you still in inkalink?
Glowing wisps float through the air.
[furd]: Koma ehehs at Lu.
Mantrovant [sales]: is that a crimson oak staff?
Koma [furd]: /join iom2
[furd]: Koma smiles at Lu.
Lu -{furd}-: FUCKU GRR
Lu -{furd}-: i tpye that in a game HATEEEE
Lu -{furd}-: and it doesnt do aNYthing GRR
Lu -{furd}-: and no prompt in lobby HATEEEE
-{furd}-: Lu tells Koma: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! HATEEEE YOU GO
ME ON MY NERVES! IF I SEE YOU I KILL YOU! GRR
Koma [furd]: wtf is going on
Lu -{furd}-: whats ur name? GRR
Koma [furd]: im in gay room fuck
Koma [furd]: GRR
Kaos shouts 'KOMA STOP LEAVING THE ROOM DAMINT'
You shout 'HAY WTF KOULUUUUUUU'
Lu -{hattrick}-: IM GIVING THIS GAME A V.BAD REVIEW IF I DONT FIND
GAYSEX ROOM NOW!!! GRR
Lu -{hattrick}-: wow, total misfire ANGRY
Lu -{furd}-: IM GIVING THIS GAME A V.BAD REVIEW IF I DONT FIND
GAYSEX ROOM NOW!!! GRR
Zyz [ajax]: are we anywhere/
Koma [furd]: AHHAHA
[hattrick]: Koma laughs so hard he chokes.
Lu -{furd}-: god damn prompt, if i ever find it i'm totally kixoring
it in the nutsack HATEEEE
Koma [furd]: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH CHOKE
Koma tells Kaos, September and you : join iom wtf
Lu -{furd}-: i voted 1 star HATEEEE
Lu -{furd}-: TAKE THAT ASSEHOLES GRR
Zyz [hattrick]: www.fag.fi
Kaos tells Koma, September and you : no damnit join koulu
Kaos tells Koma, September and you : it's working
Kaos (furd): join koulu lu
Koma tells Kaos, September and you : wow
Uno {furd}: laf i got muted for inviting koma 6 times
Lu -{furd}-: i cant join anythign kaos, i have no prompt in lobby HATEEEE
Lu -{furd}-: gimme one of your name HATEEEE
Lu -{furd}-: i'll search it GRR
Lu -{furd}-: and join said room GRR
Lu -{furd}-: NO GAY SHANFANAFAGIANS ANGRY
Koma [furd]: Koma
Lu -{furd}-: i searched for koma, it said noway ANGRY
Lu -{furd}-: wtf, what game r u playing HATEEEE
-{furd}-: Lu beams.
Koma [furd]: try Koma with a cap 1st lettar
-{furd}-: Lu rolls on the floor laughing.
Koma [furd]: loloo
Lu -{furd}-: PLAYAR NOT FOUND GRR
Lu -{furd}-: i'm a guest GRR
Lu -{furd}-: GNN GRR
Koma [furd]: Spamming detected: You will be muted for 20 seconds!
Koma [furd]: join the room 'koulu', lu
Lu -{furd}-: dear koma HATEEEE
Lu -{furd}-: I CANT! ANGRY
Kaos (furd): TYPE /JOIN KOULU YOU COMPUTER ILLITERATE BASTARD GOD DAMNIT
Kaos (furd): hi
Lu -{furd}-: WHERE KAOS I HAVE NO PROMPT GRR
Baer [furd]: i think lu is in the wrong game
[furd]: Koma laughs so hard he chokes.
Lu -{furd}-: inkalink GRR
Koma [furd]: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHh
Lu -{furd}-: U SAID PLAY INKALINK HATEEEE
Koma [furd]: ROFL ARGH
Koma [furd]: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH
Lu -{furd}-: DONT TELL ME U BASTARDS R ISKETCHING ANGRY
Kaos (furd): ahahahha
Lu -{furd}-: HOMOS ALL OF U GRR
Koma [furd]: AHAHHAH
[furd]: Koma points at Lu and starts laughing hysterically.
[furd]: Koma points at Lu and starts laughing hysterically.
[furd]: Koma points at Lu and starts laughing hysterically.
[furd]: Koma points at Lu and starts laughing hysterically.
[furd]: Koma points at Lu and starts laughing hysterically.
[furd]: Koma points at Lu and starts laughing hysterically.
[furd]: Koma points at Lu and starts laughing hysterically.
Kaos (furd): AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAH
[furd]: Koma laughs so hard he chokes.
Koma [furd]: ps someone should plan that lu stuff
Koma [furd]: its v.hilarious
Kaos (furd): ahah yeah
Zyz [ajax]: septy?
Kaos (furd): it's funny because lu is stupid
Kaos (furd): eehh
Koma [furd]: ahaha
[furd]: Koma pets Lu!
[furd]: Koma rollerskates around Lu's living room, wearing nothing
but a helmet.
Koma [furd]: by:)
Uno {furd}: plz put furd history in a plan
Uno {furd}: p.s. lu you aren't stupid... just special
Kaos (furd): ok
{furd}: You smile sadly and give Lu a ticket to the short bus.
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: Erage
date: Sat Dec 20 03:42:59 2003
iRage (n) - The quality of the Internet (see World Wide Web) that
causes people to get really pissed off. Related topics: see Road
Rage.
Picture this scenerio if you will:
A group of friends get together for Sunday football. They order some
pizza, drink some beer, and play a round of Madden 2004 on
Playstation during halftime. One of the guys brings along a new
friend who the other guys don't know. He sits on the couch,
listening to the guys talk, getting a feel for the atmosphere.
During the 3rd quarter, the announcer comments on the great game
Peyton Manning is having, and says he's on track to become the
greatest quarterback ever. The newcommer feels welcome enough now to
offer his opinion on the topic. The conversation goes like this:
A: "Manning is good, but I don't think he'll ever be as good as
Elway. He was the greatest ever."
B: "WHAT? YOU FUCKING RETARDED NEWBIE!! You don't know football from
your ass!! DIE MOTHERFUCKER!!"
A: "FUCK YOU! You bunch of ASSHOLES think you're so cool because
you're here all the time. But you don't know SHIT! Why don't you go
bury your heads back in your mother's cunts?"
C: "The newbie is just an attention whore who is trying to get a
rise out of you. Just ignore him."
I do wonder, What on earth causes this.
This would never happen IRL. Someone would chuckle call the newb an
idiot and be over it.
-----------------
poster: Wildchild
subject: >Erage
date: Sat Dec 20 19:05:45 2003
On Sat Dec 20 03:42:59 2003 Korthrun wrote post #108:
> iRage (n) - The quality of the Internet (see World Wide Web) that
> causes people to get really pissed off. Related topics: see Road
> Rage.
>
> Picture this scenerio if you will:
>
> A group of friends get together for Sunday football. They order some
> pizza, drink some beer, and play a round of Madden 2004 on
> Playstation during halftime. One of the guys brings along a new
> friend who the other guys don't know. He sits on the couch,
> listening to the guys talk, getting a feel for the atmosphere.
>
> During the 3rd quarter, the announcer comments on the great game
> Peyton Manning is having, and says he's on track to become the
> greatest quarterback ever. The newcommer feels welcome enough now to
> offer his opinion on the topic. The conversation goes like this:
>
> A: "Manning is good, but I don't think he'll ever be as good as
> Elway. He was the greatest ever."
>
> B: "WHAT? YOU FUCKING RETARDED NEWBIE!! You don't know football from
> your ass!! DIE MOTHERFUCKER!!"
>
> A: "FUCK YOU! You bunch of ASSHOLES think you're so cool because
> you're here all the time. But you don't know SHIT! Why don't you go
> bury your heads back in your mother's cunts?"
>
> C: "The newbie is just an attention whore who is trying to get a
> rise out of you. Just ignore him."
>
> I do wonder, What on earth causes this.
> This would never happen IRL. Someone would chuckle call the newb an
> idiot and be over it.
It's easy to have an opinion and to voice it when you're (for the
most part) nothing but faceless text, when you don't have to
personally own up to your words.
This is why trolls are rampant on the internet, but are put in their
place, physically, in real life. ;)
-WildChild
-----------------
poster: Ant
subject: >Never ever ever try to play Isketch
date: Sun Dec 28 13:46:49 2003
tl;dr
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: Beethoven
date: Sun Jan 4 00:58:18 2004
A couple of years after his death, a medium contacted Beethoven.
To their surprise, Beethoven was busily working backwards through
his work, erasing it from the end backwards.
"What are you doing?"
"Decomposing"
-----------------
poster: Koma
subject: rare exports inc.
date: Sun Jan 4 13:38:57 2004
This was pretty neat, it's 7 mins long but I got a kick out of it.
http://www.woodpeckerfilm.fi/rare/
-----------------
poster: athena (Web)
subject: RX
date: Mon Jan 12 07:38:40 2004
A women walks into the drugstore and tells the pharmacist she wants
to
buy some arsenic.
He says, "What do you want with arsenic?"
She replies, "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by
having sex with another woman."
The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your
husband lady, even if he is having sex with another woman."
So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband
having sex with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
-----------------
poster: afkaserious (Web)
subject: Football
date: Thu Jan 15 20:08:45 2004
An old married couple no sooner hits the pillows when the old man passes
gas and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the
world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha,
I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie
score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field Goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so
he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it
everything he's got, and accidentally craps in the bed.
The wife says "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time,
switch sides."
-----------------
poster: Charity
subject: >Football
date: Fri Jan 16 05:37:57 2004
On Thu Jan 15 20:08:45 2004 afkaserious (Web) wrote post #114:
> Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie
> score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
> "Field Goal, I lead 17 to 14."
>
> Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so
> he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it
> everything he's got, and accidentally craps in the bed.
>
> The wife says "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time,
> switch sides."
Heh, I was waiting for him to try to 'block' one of her field goal attempts
-----------------
poster: Zifnab
subject: priceless
date: Fri Jan 16 18:35:59 2004
http://www.hillsdale.edu/dept/Phil&Rel/pix/humor/PricelessND.html
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: Female Blue Balls
date: Sat Jan 17 03:44:25 2004
As seen on ubersite.com
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women
differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and
Mars thing. And I never figured out why men think with their head
and women think with their heart. And I never yet have figured out
how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when
it hears the words "I do."
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well,
the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't
feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT???"
So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread.
She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as
a woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize
that nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.
The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department
store. I walked around with her while she tried on three different,
very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take, so I
told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants
matching shoes worth $200.00 a pair to which I say OK. And then we
go to the jewelry department where she gets a pair of diamond
earrings.
Let me tell you. She was so excited. She must have thought that I
was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I
think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet
because she does not even play tennis. I think I threw her for a
loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited
from all of this, and you should have seen her face when she said,
"I'm ready to go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, sweetheart, I
don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her
face. It went completely blank. I then said, "Really, babe, I just
want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this
look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in
tune with my financial needs as a man."
I figure that I won't be having sex again until some time after the
spring of 2008
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: Camels
date: Sun Jan 18 23:46:05 2004
Three camels are for sale at a market. The first one has one
hump - a bactrian camel. The second has two humps - a dromedary.
The third has three humps. What are they called?
Humphrey.
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: Hahaha, groan in prearation for the crapness of this joke.
date: Sun Jan 18 23:53:14 2004
The editor of a local newspaper is going frantic trying to get the
paper ready to print on time. 15 minutes to go and it's not ready!
STRESS!
While they are working frantically, a looney walks in off the street
and proclaims "I have the story of the century for you! I have
constructed a time machine in my bathroom."
The editor snaps a curt reply - "I'm busy right now. Come back
yesterday and show me."
-----------------
poster: Zifnab
subject: croc hunter
date: Wed Jan 21 18:36:07 2004
http://www.zipperfish.com/free/games/crochunter.html
-----------------
poster: gallahad (Web)
subject: Bedtime story
date: Wed Jan 21 20:05:23 2004
The husband goes to bed shortly after his wife. After a few minutes he pokes his wife asking "Honey... Are you awake..? ", "Yes dear", she answers... "I wan't you" he says ... "NO - Goto sleep" she answers tiredly.
A few minutes passes and then he pokes his wife again, "Honey?" he whispers - "NO" she replies, adding "I've got an appointment with my gynaecologist tomorrow and I wan't to be clean! - GOOD NIGHT!"...
A few more minutes passes... "Honey?" he says... "WHAT!!???" she shouts... "You are not seeing your dentist tomorrow are you?"...
/Gallahad
-----------------
poster: calderon (Web)
subject: Penguins
date: Fri Jan 23 17:28:27 2004
http://www.damell.net/yp010.swf
my record's are 307.3 yds for a line drive and 206.6 yds on a fly-ball face plant.
i have not seen a more addictive game since, err, Islands of Myth..
-----------------
poster: Energystar
subject: >Penguins
date: Sat Jan 24 01:35:52 2004
On Fri Jan 23 17:28:27 2004 calderon (Web) wrote post #122:
> http://www.damell.net/yp010.swf
>
> my record's are 307.3 yds for a line drive and 206.6 yds on a fly-ball
face plant.
> i have not seen a more addictive game since, err, Islands of Myth..
>
ahahaha
320.9!!
good times
-----------------
poster: Wildchild
subject: >>Penguins
date: Sat Jan 24 03:59:34 2004
On Sat Jan 24 01:35:52 2004 Energystar wrote post #124:
> On Fri Jan 23 17:28:27 2004 calderon (Web) wrote post #122:
> > http://www.damell.net/yp010.swf
> >
> > my record's are 307.3 yds for a line drive and 206.6 yds on a fly-ball
> face plant.
> > i have not seen a more addictive game since, err, Islands of Myth..
> >
> ahahaha
> 320.9!!
> good times
Let me know when you beat 323.5. ;)
I think the highest "line drive" is 207.6. I got that a number of
times. Also managed to hit the thing only 76 once too. :)
-WildChild
-----------------
poster: Roirraw
subject: >>>Penguins
date: Sat Jan 24 04:01:13 2004
On Sat Jan 24 03:59:34 2004 Wildchild wrote post #125:
> On Sat Jan 24 01:35:52 2004 Energystar wrote post #124:
> > On Fri Jan 23 17:28:27 2004 calderon (Web) wrote post #122:
> > > http://www.damell.net/yp010.swf
> > >
> > > my record's are 307.3 yds for a line drive and 206.6 yds on a fly-ball
> > face plant.
> > > i have not seen a more addictive game since, err, Islands of Myth..
> > >
> > ahahaha
> > 320.9!!
> > good times
>
> Let me know when you beat 323.5. ;)
>
> I think the highest "line drive" is 207.6. I got that a number of
> times. Also managed to hit the thing only 76 once too. :)
>
> -WildChild
think i hti 317 or so and line dive i think i got a little higher
-----------------
poster: Energystar
subject: >>>>Penguins
date: Sat Jan 24 04:44:14 2004
On Sat Jan 24 04:01:13 2004 Roirraw wrote post #126:
> On Sat Jan 24 03:59:34 2004 Wildchild wrote post #125:
> > On Sat Jan 24 01:35:52 2004 Energystar wrote post #124:
> > > On Fri Jan 23 17:28:27 2004 calderon (Web) wrote post #122:
> > > > http://www.damell.net/yp010.swf
> > > >
> > > > my record's are 307.3 yds for a line drive and 206.6 yds on a fly-ball
> > > face plant.
> > > > i have not seen a more addictive game since, err, Islands of Myth..
> > > >
> > > ahahaha
> > > 320.9!!
> > > good times
> >
> > Let me know when you beat 323.5. ;)
> >
> > I think the highest "line drive" is 207.6. I got that a number of
> > times. Also managed to hit the thing only 76 once too. :)
> >
> > -WildChild
> think i hti 317 or so and line dive i think i got a little higher
now those are some quality statistics, gj
-----------------
poster: Energystar
subject: >>>>>Penguins
date: Sat Jan 24 05:04:20 2004
w: more fun flash games
thx
-----------------
poster: Eomer
subject: >>>>>>Penguins
date: Sat Jan 24 05:48:43 2004
people on a message board were also talking about the penguins, im
told the record to beat is 577 ;)
-----------------
poster: Ca
subject: >>>>>>>Penguins
date: Sat Jan 24 10:00:31 2004
On Sat Jan 24 05:48:43 2004 Eomer wrote post #129:
> people on a message board were also talking about the penguins, im
> told the record to beat is 577 ;)
Sort of... I got this from a friend earlier today, but the URL is
different (and so are the distances possible):
I got 576.6 on that one...
-----------------
poster: Ca
subject: >>>>>>>>Penguins
date: Sat Jan 24 10:02:43 2004
On Sat Jan 24 10:00:31 2004 Ca wrote post #130:
> On Sat Jan 24 05:48:43 2004 Eomer wrote post #129:
> > people on a message board were also talking about the penguins, im
> > told the record to beat is 577 ;)
> Sort of... I got this from a friend earlier today, but the URL is
> different (and so are the distances possible):
> I got 576.6 on that one...
Oops, silly mud client wouldn't sent the other url:
digitalt.evil-fish.net/mirrored/hit.the.penguin/
-----------------
poster: Moridin
subject: >>>>>>>Penguins
date: Sat Jan 24 11:43:28 2004
On Sat Jan 24 05:48:43 2004 Eomer wrote post #129:
> people on a message board were also talking about the penguins, im
> told the record to beat is 577 ;)
there are at least 2 versions, original I think you cant get over
325.5 or so, the other ones you hit like 50% longer or twice as
long
-----------------
poster: Athena (Web)
subject: >>>>>>>>>Penguins
date: Sat Jan 24 12:53:34 2004
On Sat Jan 24 10:02:43 2004 Ca wrote post #131 in jokes:
> On Sat Jan 24 10:00:31 2004 Ca wrote post #130:
> > On Sat Jan 24 05:48:43 2004 Eomer wrote post #129:
> > > people on a message board were also talking about the penguins, im
> > > told the record to beat is 577 ;)
> > Sort of... I got this from a friend earlier today, but the URL is
> > different (and so are the distances possible):
> > I got 576.6 on that one...
> Oops, silly mud client wouldn't sent the other url:
> digitalt.evil-fish.net/mirrored/hit.the.penguin/
WHEEEEEEEEEEE I tied Ca!!! 576.6
-----------------
poster: Seth
subject: >>>>>>>>>>Penguins
date: Sat Jan 24 12:59:28 2004
On Sat Jan 24 12:53:34 2004 Athena (Web) wrote post #133:
> On Sat Jan 24 10:02:43 2004 Ca wrote post #131 in jokes:
> > On Sat Jan 24 10:00:31 2004 Ca wrote post #130:
> > > On Sat Jan 24 05:48:43 2004 Eomer wrote post #129:
> > > > people on a message board were also talking about the penguins, im
> > > > told the record to beat is 577 ;)
> > > Sort of... I got this from a friend earlier today, but the URL is
> > > different (and so are the distances possible):
> > > I got 576.6 on that one...
> > Oops, silly mud client wouldn't sent the other url:
> > digitalt.evil-fish.net/mirrored/hit.the.penguin/
>
> WHEEEEEEEEEEE I tied Ca!!! 576.6
588.8 here :p
-----------------
poster: Rizzly
subject: >>>>>>>>>>>Penguins
date: Sat Jan 24 16:08:07 2004
On Sat Jan 24 12:59:28 2004 Seth wrote post #134:
> On Sat Jan 24 12:53:34 2004 Athena (Web) wrote post #133:
> > On Sat Jan 24 10:02:43 2004 Ca wrote post #131 in jokes:
> > > On Sat Jan 24 10:00:31 2004 Ca wrote post #130:
> > > > On Sat Jan 24 05:48:43 2004 Eomer wrote post #129:
> > > > > people on a message board were also talking about the penguins, im
> > > > > told the record to beat is 577 ;)
> > > > Sort of... I got this from a friend earlier today, but the URL is
> > > > different (and so are the distances possible):
> > > > I got 576.6 on that one...
> > > Oops, silly mud client wouldn't sent the other url:
> > > digitalt.evil-fish.net/mirrored/hit.the.penguin/
> >
> > WHEEEEEEEEEEE I tied Ca!!! 576.6
> 588.8 here :p
593.5, and I'm done.
-----------------
poster: Bahgtru
subject: >>>>>>>>>>>>Penguins
date: Sat Jan 24 17:30:05 2004
On Sat Jan 24 16:08:07 2004 Rizzly wrote post #136:
> On Sat Jan 24 12:59:28 2004 Seth wrote post #134:
> > On Sat Jan 24 12:53:34 2004 Athena (Web) wrote post #133:
> > > On Sat Jan 24 10:02:43 2004 Ca wrote post #131 in jokes:
> > > > On Sat Jan 24 10:00:31 2004 Ca wrote post #130:
> > > > > On Sat Jan 24 05:48:43 2004 Eomer wrote post #129:
> > > > > > people on a message board were also talking about the penguins,
im
> > > > > > told the record to beat is 577 ;)
> > > > > Sort of... I got this from a friend earlier today, but the URL is
> > > > > different (and so are the distances possible):
> > > > > I got 576.6 on that one...
> > > > Oops, silly mud client wouldn't sent the other url:
> > > > digitalt.evil-fish.net/mirrored/hit.the.penguin/
> > >
> > > WHEEEEEEEEEEE I tied Ca!!! 576.6
> > 588.8 here :p
> 593.5, and I'm done.
492.3 on a face-plant
-----------------
poster: Nocolis
subject: >>>>>>>>>>>>>Penguins
date: Sat Jan 24 17:42:10 2004
On Sat Jan 24 17:30:05 2004 Bahgtru wrote post #137:
> On Sat Jan 24 16:08:07 2004 Rizzly wrote post #136:
> > On Sat Jan 24 12:59:28 2004 Seth wrote post #134:
> > > On Sat Jan 24 12:53:34 2004 Athena (Web) wrote post #133:
> > > > On Sat Jan 24 10:02:43 2004 Ca wrote post #131 in jokes:
> > > > > On Sat Jan 24 10:00:31 2004 Ca wrote post #130:
> > > > > > On Sat Jan 24 05:48:43 2004 Eomer wrote post #129:
> > > > > > > people on a message board were also talking about the penguins,
> im
> > > > > > > told the record to beat is 577 ;)
> > > > > > Sort of... I got this from a friend earlier today, but the URL is
> > > > > > different (and so are the distances possible):
> > > > > > I got 576.6 on that one...
> > > > > Oops, silly mud client wouldn't sent the other url:
> > > > > digitalt.evil-fish.net/mirrored/hit.the.penguin/
> > > >
> > > > WHEEEEEEEEEEE I tied Ca!!! 576.6
> > > 588.8 here :p
> > 593.5, and I'm done.
> 492.3 on a face-plant
593.5 too I sux
Noc
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: Three Little Piggies
date: Sun Jan 25 01:55:50 2004
Three little piggies go to a restaurant. When they are seated, a waiter
comes over and asks them if they would like to order a starter:
1st little piggy: Yes...I'll have a prawn cocktail.
2nd little piggy: I'll have a prawn cocktail too, but I'd like some
melon as well.
3rd little piggy: I'll have a pint of water.
The waiter returns shortly after the piggies have finished their starters and
asks if they would like to order a main course:
1st little piggy: The roast beef dinner for me, please.
2nd little piggy: I'll have the same, it sounds lovely.
3rd little piggy: I'll have a pint of water.
The waiter is curious now...a pint of water for a main course?
The waiter returns shortly after the piggies have finished their main
course and asks if they would like to order a dessert:
1st little piggy: Blackcurrant cheesecake with fresh cream...I'm
not counting calories today!
2nd little piggy: I'll have the blackcurrent cheesecake, but no
fresh cream for me.
3rd little piggy: I'll have a pint of water.
The waiter just has to know...
waiter: Excuse for for intruding, but I couldn't help noticing that
while your friends have had a fine meal, you have just had three
pints of water. Would you mind telling me why?
3rd little piggy: It's a tradition. One of us has to go wee-wee-wee
all the way home!
-----------------
poster: Dojjan
subject: >>>>>>>>>>>>>Penguins
date: Sun Jan 25 18:06:37 2004
593.5 here to.. Now i'm done to!
-----------------
poster: Malifix
subject: surgeons
date: Mon Jan 26 06:24:58 2004
3 surgeons are comparing their skills. the first one says "I had
someone come in who cut off 4 of his fingers. I sewed them back on
and in less than a year he was playing the piano again in concerts"
the second one says "That's nothing, I had someone come in who lost
both legs in an accident and i sewed them back on. 2 years later he
won a medal in the olympics. the third one says "Well, you guys are
pretty good, but not as good as this. A while back this cowboy was
riding his horse and got hit by a truck. the only things left were
the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. I put him back together, and now
he's president!"
-----------------
poster: Indomitus
subject: >>>>>>>>>>>>>>Penguins
date: Mon Jan 26 09:20:26 2004
got 599.3
guess you all have to start playing again :)
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
eheh jk
-----------------
poster: Marvin
subject: >>>>>>Penguins
date: Tue Jan 27 22:40:36 2004
On Sat Jan 24 05:04:20 2004 Energystar wrote post #128:
> w: more fun flash games
> thx
http://www.adultswim.com/games/hm_lookalive/index.html
-----------------
poster: Lurch
subject: >>>>>>Penguins
date: Wed Jan 28 07:23:23 2004
what? cool flash game?
www.battleon.com
All it's missing is a shrubbery
-----------------
poster: Slayn
subject: WARNING
date: Wed Jan 28 19:39:19 2004
got forwarded this by a bloke at work. Normally I hate these hoax
e-mail warnings, but
this one is for real. Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.
If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey
and asks you to show him your cock, DO NOT show him your cock. This
is a scam; he only wants to see your cock.
I wish I'd got this email yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap
slyna acrobat stance down
puuh slayn
-----------------
poster: Waz
subject: funny video
date: Thu Jan 29 03:35:02 2004
Got a real kick out of this, check it out with the sound on
If you're at work or something, it contains cursing, just fyi.
http://patrick.fm/video/www.kicken.com-snowtowcar.wmv
-Waz
-----------------
poster: Wildchild
subject: porn-alize your webpage!
date: Fri Jan 30 05:37:15 2004
http://www.pornolize.com/
Watch as these guys porn-alize any web page you run through them.
Not for viewing on the job or when gramda is around.
-WildChild
-----------------
poster: athena (Web)
subject: Old is when...
date: Fri Jan 30 07:56:28 2004
Old is when...A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
Old is when...Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of you face.
Old is when...You don't care where you spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Old is when...You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
Old is when..."Getting a little action" means there's no need to take your fiber today.
Old is when..."Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
Old is when...An "all-nighter" means not getting up to go to the bathroom.
Old is when...Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you are barefoot.
-----------------
poster: Tigran
subject: Catholic Heart Attack
date: Fri Jan 30 13:36:25 2004
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass
surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care
of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked
him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice,
"No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in
the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said,
"I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not
spinsters! Nuns are married to God!"
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
-----------------
poster: Tigran
subject: Brand New Stereo!
date: Fri Jan 30 18:20:24 2004
I just bought a new state-of-the-art Sony car stereo!
When you shout out "Soul" it plays soul music.
When you shout out "Rock" it plays rock music.
Some kids ran in front of my car this morning and I shouted "Fucking Kids!"
... and it played Michael Jackson.
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: A snooker player?
date: Fri Jan 30 23:46:09 2004
How can you tell if the person you're having sex with is a snooker player?
Snooker players always want the brown before the pink.
-----------------
poster: Kasma
subject: penguin game
date: Sat Jan 31 07:09:11 2004
1083.4
i win
eheh
-----------------
poster: Malifix
subject: Hire the handicapped
date: Sun Feb 1 18:56:04 2004
A boy with no arms goes to the church and applies for the job of bellringer.
The priest tells him that he would like to help the boy, but doesn't
see how the boy can ring the bell since he has no arms.
The boy pleads for a chance and the priest relents. Up to the bell
tower they go.
The boy backs up to the very edge of the tower, gets a running start
and flings himself at the bell, smashing into it with his face!
BONG! BONG! the bell rings nicely.
Seeing that the boy is not very hurt by this and wanting to give the
lad a chance, the priest hires him.
All goes well for several months until one fateful day. Someone has
left a puddle on the floor of the tower. As the boy goes running
for the bell, his foot slips! He misses the bell completely, cannot
stop his momentum in time, and sails right over the edge and falls
to his death.
The priest runs out of the chapel and is kneeling over the dead body
of the armless boy when the police show up.
"Do you know who that is father?" asks the cop.
The priest replies "Well, I never got his name, but his face sure
rings a bell"
--second part coming after i refresh nether spells--
-----------------
poster: Malifix
subject: Hire the handicapped II
date: Sun Feb 1 19:01:38 2004
A few days after the funeral of the poor dead armless boy, another
boy with no arms shows up to apply for the job of bellringer.
The priest is shocked by the resemblence until the boy tells him
that he is the dead boys twin brother.
The priest says he doesn't want to hire him due to what happened to
his brother.
The boy begs and begs, promising to be careful, until finally, the
priest relents and hires him.
Things go well for several months, until, alas, one day the boy
slips, misses the bell and plunges to his death.
Once again the priest is kneeling over the dead body of an armless
boy when the police show up.
"Do you know who this one is father?" asks the cop
"No, I didn't get his name either" replies the priest, "but he's a
dead ringer for his brother"
-----------------
poster: athena (Web)
subject: New Darwin Awards Winner.
date: Thu Feb 5 01:41:46 2004
The Winner of the Darwin Awards!!
Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everett
Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local
golf
course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix,
Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in
the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by
spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus
wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed
his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
Unfortunately
for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher
off
the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum
was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the
fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the
ball
washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was
pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery
inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver
that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance
himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the
remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.
This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die.
But
because he
cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we
have
allowed it.
Ok guys, you can let go now. :P
P.S. Nax, don't try this, ok?
-----------------
poster: Agadorn (Web)
subject: >New Darwin Awards Winner.
date: Thu Feb 5 11:32:48 2004
> This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die.
> But
> because he
> cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we
> have
> allowed it.
OOOOWWWW!! Just how stupid can people get????? *ROFL*
-----------------
poster: Kaos
subject: Tina Turner joke
date: Thu Feb 5 14:38:35 2004
Tina Turner worked on a farm for a while before becoming famous. She
was in charge of chickens and chicken-feed and egg-gathering. Being
an intelligent, efficient woman, it wasn t long before she was bored
with her daily routine, and decided to play mental games to keep
things interesting.
One of these games involved ranking the hens in order of egg
productivity. The number one hen laid two eggs a day, one in the
morning and one at night, without fail. The second hen laid at least
one a day, sometimes two, and the third rarely laid a second egg.
One morning, Tina noticed that one of the hens seemed to be
infatuated with her. The hen followed Tina around the barnyard
making moon-eyes and ignoring her feed. Being off her feed, the hen
didn t lay. This caused her to drop from number 2 to number 3 in the
rankings.
Years later, Tina Turner had the opportunity to ask, in a song,
"What s love got to do with it? What s love but a second hen
demotion?"
LOL :-) I found this joke on the Internet, and I had to post it here
for you guys. I thought it was really funny!
Tahnval
-----------------
poster: Remdar
subject: >> Penguin
date: Thu Feb 5 21:11:22 2004
Guess the penguin is done playing also.
//posttmp.entensity.net/020204//image.php?pic=penguin.jpg
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: >Tina Turner joke
date: Fri Feb 6 02:39:39 2004
Er...why was my name at the bottom of that?
It certainly suits my sense of humour. I'll be telling that
to people at work tomorrow.
-----------------
poster: Kaos
subject: >>Tina Turner joke
date: Fri Feb 6 08:32:49 2004
On Fri Feb 6 02:39:39 2004 Tahnval wrote post #161:
> Er...why was my name at the bottom of that?
> It certainly suits my sense of humour. I'll be telling that
> to people at work tomorrow.
It was dedicated to you! Glad you liked it.
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: >>>Tina Turner joke
date: Sat Feb 7 00:25:03 2004
On Fri Feb 6 08:32:49 2004 Kaos wrote post #162:
> On Fri Feb 6 02:39:39 2004 Tahnval wrote post #161:
> > Er...why was my name at the bottom of that?
> > It certainly suits my sense of humour. I'll be telling that
> > to people at work tomorrow.
> It was dedicated to you! Glad you liked it.
What a lovely gift! I told it to a couple of dozen people
at work today.
-----------------
poster: calderon (Web)
subject: even better Penguins
date: Fri Feb 13 16:17:05 2004
A great twist.
The penguins get flipped into the air and you have to nail them with a snowball. If you are accurate you pin them to a bulleye and score points.
Pure genius
http://mirrored.flabber.nl/hit.the.pinguin.2/
-----------------
poster: Tigran
subject: URL to the entire leaked windows sourcecode!
date: Sat Feb 14 00:16:47 2004
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/source.php
T
-----------------
poster: Wildchild
subject: >even better Penguins
date: Sat Feb 14 04:24:52 2004
On Fri Feb 13 16:17:05 2004 calderon (Web) wrote post #164:
> A great twist.
>
> The penguins get flipped into the air and you have to nail them with a
snowball. If you are accurate you pin them to a bulleye and score points.
>
>
>
> Pure genius
>
> http://mirrored.flabber.
l/hit.the.pinguin.2/
And make sure to take note of the wonderfully advertised wallpaper
on the left side of the page. :)
-WildChild
-----------------
poster: Lurch
subject: Valentine's Day
date: Sat Feb 14 08:26:15 2004
I can't remember where I got this (like if it was here or not)
but it's appropriate, even as a repeat ;)
Hearts and roses and kisses galore,
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer,
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year.
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass,
Before I shove something up Cupid's ass.
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear black for the rest of the week.
Guys act all sweet, but soon it will fade,
For all they are doing is trying to get laid.
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit,
Cause I think this love thing is a crock of shit.
So, here's my story... what else can I say?
Love bites my ass... Fuck Valentines Day!!
Thank you, goodnight.
- Lurch
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: The best gift for Valentine's Day.
date: Sat Feb 14 23:28:59 2004
Since it is Florist's^H^H^H^H^H Valentine's Day, here's an idea
for a perfect gift - a concrete block.
The symbolism is perfect. Flowers....well, they're pretty but they're dying
as soon as you cut them to give and they last a few days. Pretty, but
fleeting. That's good symbolism for a holiday fling. For a long-term
relationship, definitely the concrete block. It's solid, dependable
and enduring. On top of that, it's a foundation for something bigger.
So, give the truest symbol of lasting love for Valentine's Day!
Buy your partner a concrete block!
I found this idea somewhere online, but I have forgotten where.
-----------------
poster: Malifix
subject: The history of the world - Part I
date: Thu Feb 26 07:59:25 2004
The inhabitants of ancient Eqypt were called mummies. They lived in
the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah
is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain
areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians
build the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The
Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
More to follow if you wish.
Malifix the Mad
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: not as funny as the 'dear penis' song... but still mildly grinly
date: Sat Feb 28 19:25:39 2004
http://www.elfrigo.org/flash/chowmein.htm
-----------------
poster: Malifix
subject: The History of the World - Part II
date: Sun Feb 29 02:12:24 2004
The bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of
the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son
of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who
brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to
it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Hope you enjoyed. More to come.
Malifix the Mad
-----------------
poster: nevyn
subject: Shaggy wants a cab ^^
date: Sun Mar 7 14:10:32 2004
http://www.flabba.nu/flabba/arkivet/display.php?id.1183 <-- Press the play button at the mid/bottom of the page ^^
-----------------
poster: Zifnab
subject: How to poop at work
date: Tue Mar 16 19:06:17 2004
"HOW TO POOP AT WORK"
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all
kicked back in our cubicles (or offices) and suddenly felt
something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince
ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival
Guide for pooping at work.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office
so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff
but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do
this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk
an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk
in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the
bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become
a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you
constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the
urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied
by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee,
do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not
hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine
gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.
If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until
everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness
of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: (BT: pay particular attention to this, please) The
act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up
the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the
WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the
door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be
a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you.
As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
exist...... can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and
is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet
Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under
his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of
The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building
where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds
of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in
the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of
the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when
taking a poop at work. If this occurs, try to remain calm in
the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up
a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective
when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential
Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove
all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire,
leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you
feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water..... often accompanied by an
Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or
sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax
while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when
the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other
bathroom attendees.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN):
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to
monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and
identify SAFE HAVENS.
CRACK WHORE:
A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell
tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and
shit streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding
out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't
forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE
HAVEN.
-----------------
poster: athena
subject: Thought for the Day.
date: Sat Mar 20 08:19:35 2004
Never hold your farts in.
They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that's how you get shitty ideas.
-----------------
poster: calderon
subject: more penguins
date: Tue Mar 23 19:13:30 2004
http://www.delirant.com/animation-bloody-yeti-sport.php3
-----------------
poster: Ant
subject: >more penguins
date: Wed Mar 24 10:33:49 2004
863.6! WOOWOO
-----------------
poster: Bahgtru
subject: >>more penguins
date: Wed Mar 24 10:34:28 2004
On Wed Mar 24 10:33:49 2004 Ant wrote post #178:
> 863.6! WOOWOO
Umm, yea, that was so like a month ago
-----------------
poster: Wagro
subject: Puzzle game
date: Sun Mar 28 04:01:50 2004
WARNING: Highly addictive puzzle game, expect to take several hours
to complete.
http://www.albartus.com/motas/
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: Overheard on the way home...
date: Mon Mar 29 02:30:40 2004
I overheard this while walking home from work today, passing through
the city centre, from a woman going out for the night (I work late).
"I have more fucking class. I'm not going to give you a blowjob in
the toilets. I have better things to do, like getting pissed."
Now that's class.
-----------------
poster: Koma
subject: >Overheard on the way home...
date: Mon Mar 29 12:56:58 2004
On Mon Mar 29 02:30:40 2004 Tahnval wrote post #181:
> I overheard this while walking home from work today, passing through
> the city centre, from a woman going out for the night (I work late).
>
> "I have more fucking class. I'm not going to give you a blowjob in
> the toilets. I have better things to do, like getting pissed."
>
> Now that's class.
OMG That is FUNNY!! :-)
The lolling never ends!!
-----------------
poster: Gartogg
subject: Google funnies:
date: Mon Mar 29 17:10:33 2004
try any of these google languages:
http://www.google.com/intl/xx-hacker/
http://www.google.com/intl/xx-elmer/
http://www.google.com/intl/xx-piglatin/
http://www.google.com/intl/xx-bork/
or, for those of use that like star trek (WAAAY too much):
http://www.google.com/intl/xx-klingon/
-----------------
poster: Tamuli
subject: I found it funny
date: Tue Mar 30 11:35:15 2004
An old couple is walking around through a fair when George (the old
man) sees a small airplane with a sign in front of it read rides
10$
He kicks the dirt and mumbles "Wanna ride on the plane"
"Cant" replies Martha(the old woman) "Costs 10$. 10$ is 10$.
So they walk around look at the pigs and the cows and they come past
the plan again.
"Wanna ride the plane" says George as he kicks the dirt.
"Cant" says Martha "Costs 10$. 10$ is 10$.
So they keep walking around looking at the horses and roosters when
they come past the plane once more.
George kicks the dirt and says "Wanna ride the plane"
Like before Martha replies with "Cant. Costs 10$. 10$ is 10$.
The pilot having seen these events comes and says "Look y
..."Look for years you two have been coming here, and its the same
every year. Ill tell ya what, if i give you a ride on this plane and
you dont say a word, not even make a noise. It will be for free. But
if not, its 10$ each."
So Martha agrees and they both get into the plane.
The pilot takes off real fast and starts spinning, shooting up real
high, stalls the plane floats to the ground swoops back up every
trick he knew. Not a peep.
He lands the plane and jumps out baffled
"I swear i coulda made you say somthing. I did every trick I know
and nothing."
He then hears George behind him say "Well I was gonna say somthing
when Martha fell out but, 10$ is 10$"
Hahahah funny :)
-Tam
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: >I found it funny
date: Tue Mar 30 20:46:32 2004
On Tue Mar 30 11:35:15 2004 Tamuli wrote post #184:
> An old couple is walking around through a fair when George (the old
> man) sees a small airplane with a sign in front of it read rides
> 10$
> He kicks the dirt and mumbles "Wanna ride on the plane"
> "Cant" replies Martha(the old woman) "Costs 10$. 10$ is 10$.
> So they walk around look at the pigs and the cows and they come past
> the plan again.
> "Wanna ride the plane" says George as he kicks the dirt.
> "Cant" says Martha "Costs 10$. 10$ is 10$.
> So they keep walking around looking at the horses and roosters when
> they come past the plane once more.
> George kicks the dirt and says "Wanna ride the plane"
> Like before Martha replies with "Cant. Costs 10$. 10$ is 10$.
> The pilot having seen these events comes and says "Look y
> ..."Look for years you two have been coming here, and its the same
> every year. Ill tell ya what, if i give you a ride on this plane and
> you dont say a word, not even make a noise. It will be for free. But
> if not, its 10$ each."
> So Martha agrees and they both get into the plane.
> The pilot takes off real fast and starts spinning, shooting up real
> high, stalls the plane floats to the ground swoops back up every
> trick he knew. Not a peep.
> He lands the plane and jumps out baffled
> "I swear i coulda made you say somthing. I did every trick I know
> and nothing."
> He then hears George behind him say "Well I was gonna say somthing
> when Martha fell out but, 10$ is 10$"
> Hahahah funny :)
> -Tam
is it a euro thing to put the $ after the amount or something?
its $10
-----------------
poster: Mixer
subject: >>I found it funny
date: Wed Mar 31 10:25:25 2004
On Tue Mar 30 20:46:32 2004 Korthrun wrote post #185:
> On Tue Mar 30 11:35:15 2004 Tamuli wrote post #184:
> > An old couple is walking around through a fair when George (the old
> > man) sees a small airplane with a sign in front of it read rides
> > 10$
> > He kicks the dirt and mumbles "Wanna ride on the plane"
> > "Cant" replies Martha(the old woman) "Costs 10$. 10$ is 10$.
> > So they walk around look at the pigs and the cows and they come past
> > the plan again.
> > "Wanna ride the plane" says George as he kicks the dirt.
> > "Cant" says Martha "Costs 10$. 10$ is 10$.
> > So they keep walking around looking at the horses and roosters when
> > they come past the plane once more.
> > George kicks the dirt and says "Wanna ride the plane"
> > Like before Martha replies with "Cant. Costs 10$. 10$ is 10$.
> > The pilot having seen these events comes and says "Look y
> > ..."Look for years you two have been coming here, and its the same
> > every year. Ill tell ya what, if i give you a ride on this plane and
> > you dont say a word, not even make a noise. It will be for free. But
> > if not, its 10$ each."
> > So Martha agrees and they both get into the plane.
> > The pilot takes off real fast and starts spinning, shooting up real
> > high, stalls the plane floats to the ground swoops back up every
> > trick he knew. Not a peep.
> > He lands the plane and jumps out baffled
> > "I swear i coulda made you say somthing. I did every trick I know
> > and nothing."
> > He then hears George behind him say "Well I was gonna say somthing
> > when Martha fell out but, 10$ is 10$"
> > Hahahah funny :)
> > -Tam
> is it a euro thing to put the $ after the amount or something?
> its $10
$10... so that's ten dollars, right??????
-----------------
poster: Malifix
subject: euphemisms
date: Thu Apr 1 03:56:58 2004
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man
called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".
Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and
the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel
my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and
the parents replied "hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he
said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said
it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself,
"Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom
said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives
and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and
titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his
face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
-----------------
poster: Malifix
subject: ouch
date: Thu Apr 1 04:08:04 2004
One day this guy comes to work at a dildo shop. His boss leaves for
the day and puts him in charge of the shop.
About an hour later a black haired lady comes in and asks "How much
for your black dildos?"
The guy says "30 bucks"
"And how much for your white dildos?" asks the lady.
Again the man says "30 bucks for the black and 30 bucks for the white"
So she takes the black one and leaves.
A while later a brunette comes in to the store and asks "How much
for your white dildos?"
The man responds "30 bucks"
She asks "And how much for your black dildos?"
"30 bucks for the white and 30 bucks for the black" replies the man.
So she takes the white one leaves.
About an hour later a blonde walks through the door and asks "How
much are your dildos?"
The guys says "All our dildos are 30 bucks"
Then she looks up behind the man on a shelf and ask "How much for
that plaid one?"
The man responds "Oh, that one is special. That will cost you $250"
The blonde agrees and takes it.
Later that day the boss come back and asks "So what did you sell today?"
The man says "I sold a black dildo, a white dildo , and your
thermous flask for $250!"
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: New drink driving tests
date: Mon Apr 5 03:05:03 2004
The police bring in a new on-the-spot test for people they
pull over on suspicion of being under the influence, to test
their ability to drive. A more complex version of the old
"walk in a straight line and touch your nose" thing.
A couple of weeks later, they pull a man over for something
minor and notice a container full on knives in his car. Highly
suspicious. The man tells the coppers that he's a juggler and
the knives are part of his act, but they are suspicious (they're
coppers, it's their job). So he steps out of the car and puts
on a juggling show on the hard shoulder. 6 knives, under his legs, the
works. The coppers are impressed - this man is good.
Two people drive by. One says to the other "Damn, I hope they never
pull me over. Those new tests look really hard."
-----------------
poster: athena
subject: Eight Words with two Meanings
date: Mon Apr 5 20:01:11 2004
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female.....Any part under a car's hood.
Male..........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..........Playing football without a cup.
3.. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male...........Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with
the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...........Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male..........Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...........A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..........Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5
minutes.
-----------------
poster: Tigran
subject: Best License Plate......EVAR!!
date: Wed Apr 14 23:40:32 2004
http://www.angelfire.com/or2/damian882/images/a55_rgy.jpg
-----------------
poster: athena
subject: Taking Up a Collection for the President
date: Sun Apr 18 16:43:25 2004
A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than usual."
He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"
The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; the press called him on the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger, and now Campbell Brown is threatening to sue him for a sexual innuendo he made at a recent press conference. So we're taking up a collection for him."
The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"
The officer replies, "About 14 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."
-----------------
poster: Maduo
subject: super mario reloaded
date: Mon Apr 19 08:28:24 2004
incase any haven't seen it yet here's the link.
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/157388
nuff said
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: Really poor quality joke
date: Tue Apr 20 03:03:47 2004
A man's beloved hamster dies. Looking online for solace, he
finds the odd suggestion of making jam from hamsters. It seems
a foul idea at first, but he gardually comes round to the point
of view that it's a a fitting memorial to his hamster. He follows
the recipe carefully and tries the jam, made from his dead hamster, one
morning with breakfast.
Bleurghhh! It tastes so foul that he stumbles into the garden,
retching, and drops the jar. By the time he's recovered, he is
running late for work and has to rush off...forgetting the jar.
When he comes home, he's amazed to see a fully grown rose bush
where the jar of jam he made from his dead hamster had dropped!
He goes online, back to the website about making jam from hamsters,
and posts a message in the forum about this startling incident.
A reply is made quickly:
"Yeah, that is surprising. You normally get tulips from hamster jam."
-----------------
poster: Myrddin
subject: ShortMovie
date: Wed Apr 21 01:47:26 2004
Hey a friend of mine made a short movie and got it on ifilm.
its quite funny imho
please check it out
myrddin
-----------------
poster: Myrddin
subject: >ShortMovie
date: Wed Apr 21 01:48:08 2004
http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2536175
i hope that worked
-----------------
poster: Teego
subject: Joke
date: Tue Apr 27 18:09:31 2004
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly
jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware
of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged
from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good
news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since
you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act
displays sound-mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you
saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt
in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied "He
didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go
home?"
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: vegans
date: Wed Apr 28 01:28:03 2004
ZAK:
Hey Kelly, you're vegan, right?
KELLY:
Ya, why?
ZAK:
Oh, just wondering. So wait, that means you would never use an
animal product for your own benefit?
KELLY:
No, never.
ZAK:
Ya, but what if you were stranded in the middle of the forest, and
you had no way to survive but to kill an animal and eat it?
KELLY:
No, I would rather let myself die than kill another living creature.
ZAK:
Ok, but what if the animal had already died, and it was winter so
you knew you would freeze if you didn't use its fur to keep warm?
KELLY:
Sorry, but no, that is still wrong, to take advantage of an animal like that.
ZAK:
What if the animal had died ten years ago? And nothing was left but
the bones, which you could use to make a tool out of to help you
survive?
KELLY:
NO ZAK, I WOULD NEVER, AND I WILL NEVER USE AN ANIMAL'S BODY FOR MY
OWN BENEFITS!!!!
ZAK:
Ok, BUT...what if it had died, say...65 million years ago, and its
body had decomposed and turned into the fossil fuels that are in
your car, heat your house, and are lighting this very room?
-----------------
poster: athena
subject: For Cola and Bigsy
date: Wed Apr 28 21:56:41 2004
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick
of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once
a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quie After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone
knocks on his door. He opens It and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the
road...Having a Christmas party Friday night...Thought you might like to come.
About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna
be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I
can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be
there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the
idea, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the
way, what should I wear?"
"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
-----------------
poster: Quillz
subject: >vegans
date: Thu Apr 29 23:22:15 2004
On Wed Apr 28 01:28:03 2004 Korthrun wrote post #198:
> ZAK:
> Hey Kelly, you're vegan, right?
> KELLY:
> Ya, why?
> ZAK:
> Oh, just wondering. So wait, that means you would never use an
> animal product for your own benefit?
> KELLY:
> No, never.
> ZAK:
> Ya, but what if you were stranded in the middle of the forest, and
> you had no way to survive but to kill an animal and eat it?
> KELLY:
> No, I would rather let myself die than kill another living creature.
> ZAK:
> Ok, but what if the animal had already died, and it was winter so
> you knew you would freeze if you didn't use its fur to keep warm?
> KELLY:
> Sorry, but no, that is still wrong, to take advantage of an animal like
that.
> ZAK:
> What if the animal had died ten years ago? And nothing was left but
> the bones, which you could use to make a tool out of to help you
> survive?
> KELLY:
> NO ZAK, I WOULD NEVER, AND I WILL NEVER USE AN ANIMAL'S BODY FOR MY
> OWN BENEFITS!!!!
> ZAK:
> Ok, BUT...what if it had died, say...65 million years ago, and its
> body had decomposed and turned into the fossil fuels that are in
> your car, heat your house, and are lighting this very room?
HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA
That is one of the funniest damn things I've read in a long ass time.
-----------------
poster: Rancor
subject: Ceck it out,,,,,be patient for the first bit until it gets mud related
date: Sat May 1 08:08:15 2004
www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail94.html
Rancor
-----------------
poster: Teego
subject: good joke, not mine
date: Wed May 5 22:01:56 2004
True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for
over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us
in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a
dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and
that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law
was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant
view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it
when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and
asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be
married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she
wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't
say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you
want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I
was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she
reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the
stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went
straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the
house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was
standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We
are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask
for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
"The moral of this story is:"
"Always keep your condoms in your car."
http://www.big-boys.com/joke.asp?id=2100
-----------------
poster: Teego
subject: old man, could be nax.....
date: Wed May 5 22:04:38 2004
An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor
asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old
bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about
that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you
a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a
season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he
accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor
continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear
appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at
the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?"
the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have
shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
-----------------
poster: Oruk
subject: PPPPOWERBOOK
date: Mon May 17 07:52:30 2004
www.mannequin3d.com/powerbook/
v. hilarious
omg mang
omg
-----------------
poster: Bajumbo
subject: >PPPPOWERBOOK
date: Mon May 17 09:03:31 2004
On Mon May 17 07:52:30 2004 Oruk wrote post #204:
> www.mannequin3d.com/powerbook/
> v. hilarious
> omg mang
> omg
Sooooo what happened?
Bajumbo Sweats waiting for the next episode...
-----------------
poster: Oruk
subject: >>PPPPOWERBOOK
date: Mon May 17 09:13:33 2004
On Mon May 17 09:03:31 2004 Bajumbo wrote post #205:
> On Mon May 17 07:52:30 2004 Oruk wrote post #204:
> > www.mannequin3d.com/powerbook/
> > v. hilarious
> > omg mang
> > omg
>
> Sooooo what happened?
>
> Bajumbo Sweats waiting for the next episode...
>
umm, they were planning on getting a pic of the guy and just mass
mailing his pic to him from everywhere in the world
but i guess they bailed out
and now they are just waiting to see if they reply
and the one english guy wants to go to the police
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: >>>PPPPOWERBOOK
date: Mon May 17 16:05:36 2004
On Mon May 17 09:13:33 2004 Oruk wrote post #206:
> >
> > Sooooo what happened?
> >
> > Bajumbo Sweats waiting for the next episode...
> >
> umm, they were planning on getting a pic of the guy and just mass
> mailing his pic to him from everywhere in the world
> but i guess they bailed out
> and now they are just waiting to see if they reply
> and the one english guy wants to go to the police
He did get the package, opened it... and yelled at some other guy in the shop.
The barber was overheard saying 'is it broken?'
This is a story in development... so there may be more to come in
the next few days.
forums.somethingawful.com has the developing story... oruk's link is
an archived mirror.
-----------------
poster: Nyx
subject: >>>>PPPPOWERBOOK
date: Tue May 18 01:44:43 2004
On Mon May 17 16:05:36 2004 Uno wrote post #207:
> On Mon May 17 09:13:33 2004 Oruk wrote post #206:
> > >
> > > Sooooo what happened?
> > >
> > > Bajumbo Sweats waiting for the next episode...
> > >
> > umm, they were planning on getting a pic of the guy and just mass
> > mailing his pic to him from everywhere in the world
> > but i guess they bailed out
> > and now they are just waiting to see if they reply
> > and the one english guy wants to go to the police
>
> He did get the package, opened it... and yelled at some other guy in the
shop.
>
> The barber was overheard saying 'is it broken?'
>
> This is a story in development... so there may be more to come in
> the next few days.
> forums.somethingawful.com has the developing story... oruk's link is
> an archived mirror.
If someone gets ahold of the P-p-p-powerbook at this point it would
be worth a goldmine I think.
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: Cheesy!
date: Tue Jun 8 03:09:55 2004
What do you call a man who's wearing paper underpants?
Russell
A woman is playing snooker (or pool, billiards, any game of that type).
She's pretty good and wins many of her matches.
Whenever she plays, she balances a pint of beer on her head and
never spills a drop of beer!
What's her name?
Beatrix Potter.
-----------------
poster: Teego
subject: Elephant JoKe
date: Wed Jun 16 22:02:23 2004
How do you make an elephant fly?
Well first you start with a zipper about 1 yard long.......
-----------------
poster: Palmascay
subject: Adam & Eve
date: Mon Jun 21 06:26:26 2004
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.'"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder..
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth.
Ruined the whole damn thing..
sigh
-----------------
poster: Bajumbo
subject: >Adam & Eve
date: Mon Jun 21 07:10:48 2004
On Mon Jun 21 06:26:26 2004 Palmascay wrote post #211:
> First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
> Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.'"
> After casting about for a suitable pearl,
> He kept messing around and created a girl.
> Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
> Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
> Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
> And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
> Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
> Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
> Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
> And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
> Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
> And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder..
>
> 'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
> Then he added a mouth.
>
>
>
> Ruined the whole damn thing..
> sigh
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....
Bajumbo falls off his Chair Laughing....
-----------------
poster: Draco
subject: >>Adam & Eve
date: Tue Jun 22 00:23:50 2004
On Mon Jun 21 07:10:48 2004 Bajumbo wrote post #212:
> On Mon Jun 21 06:26:26 2004 Palmascay wrote post #211:
> > First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
> > Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.'"
> > After casting about for a suitable pearl,
> > He kept messing around and created a girl.
> > Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
> > Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
> > Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
> > And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
> > Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
> > Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
> > Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
> > And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
> > Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
> > And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder..
> >
> > 'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
> > Then he added a mouth.
> >
> >
> >
> > Ruined the whole damn thing..
> > sigh
>
> AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....
> AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....
> AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....
>
> Bajumbo falls off his Chair Laughing....
>
Remember this one important thing:
God made Adam and Eve, NOT Adam and Steve!!!
-----------------
poster: Nyx
subject: Life Lessons from a Masked Killer.
date: Tue Jun 22 07:45:29 2004
1. Never have sex, think about sex, or want sex. This gets you killed.
2. Never be the boyfriend of the heroine. You will end up with your
head crushed (part III) or simply disappear like Paul in part II.
3. If you hear a mysterious rustling in the bushes, it's a cat. Once
you express your relief upon finding the cat, you will be murdered
by the real killer.
4. Surviving an earlier movie does not necessarily mean you're in
the clear. Alice makes it all the way through the first movie only
to bite it five minutes into the second one.
5. LISTEN TO THE CRAZY MAN. He knows what he's talking about.
6. For God's sake, do not go swimming after dark. Also, do not go
walking, jogging, partying, or pottying in the woods after dark. If
you just ate a bunch of tacos and you really have to go, fucking
hold it.
7. Each and every root in the forest is out to trip you.
8. All police officers, camp counselors, and authority figures are retarded.
9. If it's been more than five minutes without a brutal murder, it's
time for you to find all the bodies.
And finally,
10. IF YOU GO TO CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE, YOU DESERVE WHAT YOU GET!
-----------------
poster: Kasma
subject: omg please... this is the funniest thing ever. ever.
date: Fri Jul 2 01:45:39 2004
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/supersonik.html
If there was a highpoint in humanity, this is it. Watch it, and bask
in its glory.
-----------------
poster: Reamus
subject: >omg please... this is the funniest thing ever. ever.
date: Fri Jul 2 20:17:52 2004
On Fri Jul 2 01:45:39 2004 Kasma wrote post #215:
> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/supersonik.html
> If there was a highpoint in humanity, this is it. Watch it, and bask
> in its glory.
I laughed, I cried, I lost 4 minutes I'll never get back.
Oh, and I shot Diet Pepsi out my nose, which probably wasn't too
good for my keyboard.
(Unkie) Reamus
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: >>omg please... this is the funniest thing ever. ever.
date: Sat Jul 3 01:19:45 2004
"Hey, love crusader, I want to be your space invader".
That has to be the worst song and video I have ever seen.
"Above us, there is nothing above us but the stars above".
-----------------
poster: Giarna
subject: >Google funnies:
date: Wed Jul 7 02:12:05 2004
On Mon Mar 29 17:10:33 2004 Gartogg wrote post #183 in jokes:
> try any of these google languages:
> http://www.google.com/intl/xx-hacker/
> http://www.google.com/intl/xx-elmer/
> http://www.google.com/intl/xx-piglatin/
> http://www.google.com/intl/xx-bork/
> or, for those of use that like star trek (WAAAY too much):
> http://www.google.com/intl/xx-klingon/
nice...
-----------------
poster: Teego
subject: A joke
date: Wed Jul 14 19:34:18 2004
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She
figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night,
while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic
session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her
husband was holding a battery-operate pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely
ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could
you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: I'll
explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: er
date: Wed Jul 21 23:30:47 2004
Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for
the following scam:
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to
supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem
reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.
After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under
the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not
wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the
form of a company check.
However, due to the name of the company, few people will present
these checks to their banks. The name of the company: "The Anal Sex
and Fetish Perversion Company."
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: >er
date: Wed Jul 21 23:31:44 2004
On Wed Jul 21 23:30:47 2004 Korthrun wrote post #220:
> A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to
> supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem
> reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.
> After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under
> the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not
> wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the
> form of a company check.
> However, due to the name of the company, few people will present
> these checks to their banks. The name of the company: "The Anal Sex
> and Fetish Perversion Company."
watch 'Lock, Stock & 2 Smoking Barrels'
;)
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: >>er
date: Wed Jul 21 23:32:12 2004
ok I will
I think I did once.
got that off a website
-----------------
poster: ulath
subject: funny stuffness...
date: Thu Jul 22 06:17:24 2004
Avoid Descrimination....Hate everyone!!!
If we're all god's children what makes jesus so special...?
-----------------
poster: ulath
subject: paraplegic
date: Thu Jul 22 07:55:20 2004
Paraplegic
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
just got this thought ppl might wanna see it :)
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poster: Kaos
subject: Posting Borg jokes for Koma
date: Thu Jul 22 11:09:19 2004
Q: What spreadsheet software do the Borg use?
A: Locutus 1-2-3
Q: What software do the Borg use to tally wives of assimilation
victims?
A. Locutus 1-2-3 for Widows
Borg 1: Well, we've assimilated every species in the known
universe... What are we going to do now?
Borg 2: We're goin' to Disneyland
Q: What does a depressed Borg say?
A: Everything's NOT futile.
Q: "What do you call a conceited Borg?"
A: "Average."
Q: What do you get when you cross a Borg with Robbie the Robot?
A: Marvin the Paranoid Android! Bada Boom!
Q: What do you call a Borg with no arms and no legs?
A: An appliance.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Borg with a race of pre-sentient
ocean-based mammals who communicate by sonar?
A: You get a larger Borg.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Borg with a black magic marker?
A: A Borg with a big black X on it.
Q: What do you call a person who becomes a cyborg, is patched up and
made organic, becomes a cyborg again, and gets religion?
A: A Borg again Christian.
Q: Did you hear that the Enterprise is getting married?
A: They have engaged the Borg.
Q: How many Borg does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: All of them.
(or)
Q: How many Borg does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Illumination is irrelevant.
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poster: Daran
subject: Joke for the day
date: Thu Jul 22 21:29:26 2004
A guy walks into a pharmacy and starts wandering up and down the
aisles with a confused look on his face. The sales girl sees him and
asks him if she can help him find something. He tells her that he is
looking for tampons for his wife. She goes of course and directs him
to the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he walks up to the
register and drops a big bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on
the counter. The sales girl asks the man, "I thought you were
looking for some tampons for your wife?" He responds, "You see,
yesterday I asked my wife to get me some cigarettes and she came
back with a tin of tobacco and a pack of rolling papers because it
was sooo much cheaper. So I figure if I have to roll my own, so does
she."
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poster: Korthrun
subject: ehe
date: Thu Jul 22 22:38:45 2004
idiots
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown
Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a
stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line,
waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that
someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before
he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and
crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells
Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors
that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she
could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank
of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a
Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking
somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a
few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of
America.
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poster: Tahnval
subject: The Second Ark
date: Mon Jul 26 23:18:33 2004
Some while after the Flood, God vists Noah and asks for
another ark. God tells Noah to make three levels of decks, each
one containing large tanks of water. In each tank on each
level, Noah is to put carp.
Noah follows his orders and builds an ark, with three levels
of decks and with carp on each level. God, knowing that it
is complete, returns to Noah.
"Thank you, Noah. I always wanted a multi-storey carp ark."
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poster: Kaos
subject: >The Second Ark
date: Tue Jul 27 12:47:11 2004
On Mon Jul 26 23:18:33 2004 Tahnval wrote post #228:
> Some while after the Flood, God vists Noah and asks for
> another ark. God tells Noah to make three levels of decks, each
> one containing large tanks of water. In each tank on each
> level, Noah is to put carp.
>
> Noah follows his orders and builds an ark, with three levels
> of decks and with carp on each level. God, knowing that it
> is complete, returns to Noah.
>
> "Thank you, Noah. I always wanted a multi-storey carp ark."
You just entered something that nobody can understand!
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poster: Rizzly
subject: >>The Second Ark
date: Fri Jul 30 06:58:31 2004
On Tue Jul 27 12:47:11 2004 Kaos wrote post #229:
> On Mon Jul 26 23:18:33 2004 Tahnval wrote post #228:
> > Some while after the Flood, God vists Noah and asks for
> > another ark. God tells Noah to make three levels of decks, each
> > one containing large tanks of water. In each tank on each
> > level, Noah is to put carp.
> >
> > Noah follows his orders and builds an ark, with three levels
> > of decks and with carp on each level. God, knowing that it
> > is complete, returns to Noah.
> >
> > "Thank you, Noah. I always wanted a multi-storey carp ark."
> You just entered something that nobody can understand!
God always wanted a place to park his cars, duh!
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poster: Icingdeath
subject: beer vs religion
date: Wed Aug 4 07:06:40 2004
TEN REASONS BEER IS BETTER THAN RELIGION
10. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have beer, you don't knock on peoples doors trying to
give it away.
5. Nobody has ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured
over their brand of beer.
4. You don't have to wait over 2000 years for a second beer.
3. There are laws saying beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a beer.
And the number one reason why beer is better than religion...
1. If you've devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you!
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poster: gallahad
subject: bush vs kerry
date: Wed Aug 4 14:44:17 2004
http://images2.shockwave.com/afassets/flash/this_land.swf
muahahaha
/Gallahad
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poster: Heavenly
subject: obituary
date: Mon Aug 9 05:00:05 2004
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of
Common Sense who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were
long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as
having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out
of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't
always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not
kids, are in charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when
well intentioned but over-bearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for
kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash
after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student,
only worsened his condition.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer aspirin to a student; but could not inform the
parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments
became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals
received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she placed the cup
between
her legs as she drove her car, and spilled a bit in her lap, and was
awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust,
his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility, and his son,
Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers ~ My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still know him pass this on, if not join the majority and do
nothing.
-----------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------
mom sent this to me, found it cute, thought i'd share.
heavenly
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poster: Magneto
subject: >obituary
date: Mon Aug 9 23:27:43 2004
The coffee cup thing was at least over turned later. But we are all
dumber for the round of even dumber warning labels that it spawn
from paranoid companies.
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: >>obituary
date: Mon Aug 9 23:43:18 2004
On Mon Aug 9 23:27:43 2004 Magneto wrote post #234:
> The coffee cup thing was at least over turned later. But we are all
> dumber for the round of even dumber warning labels that it spawn
> from paranoid companies.
WARNING. This product is hot when heated.
Sadly, I'm not joking.
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poster: moridin
subject: For the lonely girls (WS)
date: Tue Aug 10 13:09:43 2004
http://skorgenes.net/~lothor/bilder/for_ensomme_kvinner.jpg
*nudge nezmaniac*
-----------------
poster: moridin
subject: and for the boys
date: Tue Aug 10 13:12:01 2004
http://skorgenes.net/~lothor/bilder/jp-bed.jpg
just so they dont feel left out (kleenex box not included).