------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: IS there a Santa Claus?
date: Thu Dec 23 23:28:43 1999
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help
from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am
pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species
of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are
insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer
which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT
since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378
million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average
(census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes.
One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to
west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with good children,
Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down
the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under
the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney,
get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that
each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth
(which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our
calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per
household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do
what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and
etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest
man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4
miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per
hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds),
the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is
invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can
pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see
point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job
with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the
payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.
Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen
Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of
reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per
second. Each.
In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the
reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a
second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces
17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems
ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015
pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve,
he's dead now.
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Santa on trial
date: Fri Dec 24 10:33:44 1999
You are accused, Mr. Santa Claus, alias Saint Nick, alias Kris Kringle,
age unknown, of no fixed abode, with the following charges:
Failing to apply for landed immigrant status from Finland to the North
Pole;
Crossing the Canadian-USA border illegally on December 25 of each year as
far back as records go;
Failing to operate a union toy shop, and not paying your elves and dwarfs
the minimum wage, provide paid vacations and wages at time and a half for
more than 40 hour work weeks, or meeting the standards of the Worker's
Compensation Boards Failing to transmit unemployment insurance payments,
income tax deductions and Canada Pension payments to the proper
authorities on behalf of your employees;
You are accused of the illegal entry of millions of Canadian homes on
December 25 of each year;
Violating the Federal Anti-Combines Investigation Act by operating a tight
monopoly;
Failing to file a flight plan for your travels;
Failing to equip your vehicle with seat belts or properly fitting your
reindeer with emission control devises;
Not declaring as taxable income the cookies and milk left for you by
millions each year;
Illegally competing with the Canadian Post Office, and possible breaking
drug laws by administering an unauthorized drug to Rudolph to make his
nose light up;
And finally, parking in a no parking zone, namely rooftops, and having no
record of either a driver's or pilot's licence ever being issued to a
Mister Claus in any of the ten provinces and two territories.
Faced with all these accusations and understanding their severity, have
you any statement to make before I . . . wish you a . . Merry Christmas,
a Happy New Year and dismiss these charges?
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Little Johnny strikes again!
date: Fri Dec 24 10:35:05 1999
A few days after Christmas, Little Johnny's mother was
working in the kitchen and listening to him playing with his
new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and Little Johnny said, "All of you
sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now because
this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are
getting on, get your butts on the friggin' train and sit your
butts down because were leaving."
Little Johnny's mother stormed into the living room and
said, "We don't use that kind of language in this house.
Now go to your room for two hours. When you've settled
down, you can play with your trains again, as long as you
use proper language."
Two hours later, Little Johnny came out of his room and
resumed playing with his train. Soon, the train stopped
and the Little Johnny's mother heard, "All passengers who
are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of
your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us
today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those of
you just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage
under that seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those
of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please
see the friggin' bitch in the kitchen..."
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: ...
date: Thu Jan 6 00:40:01 2000
Things NOT to say to a pregnant woman...
17. "I finished the Oreos"
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee
had a baby!"
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl"
12. "Darned if you ain't about 5 pounds away from a surprize visit from that
Richard Simmons fella. '
11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta
hurt!"
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard
Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today!"
5. "Got milk?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
... and...
1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger..........."
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Random ponderings
date: Fri Jan 7 00:55:29 2000
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost
and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the
world's population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by
those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek,
that's a moray!
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of
12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Magneto
subject: >Random ponderings
date: Fri Jan 7 01:10:00 2000
> It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
> someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
>
but if all the cars in the world were lined up passing should be
pretty safe. Barring all the trucks coming the other way
Mags
------------------------------
poster: Zifnab
subject: mudpack
date: Fri Jan 7 20:18:34 2000
I just stumbled on this
http://www.muds.co.uk/
follow the mudpack link, its a comic strip about mudders.
some of it was fairly funny.
------------------------------
poster: Zifnab
subject: >mudpack
date: Fri Jan 7 20:18:58 2000
On Fri Jan 7 20:18:34 2000 Zifnab wrote post #7:
> I just stumbled on this
>
> http://www.muds.co.uk/
>
> follow the mudpack link, its a comic strip about mudders.
> some of it was fairly funny.
actually the mudpack archives link.
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Confession...
date: Fri Jan 7 15:57:04 2000
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate
their 50th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward
and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I
must ask you. It has always bothered me that our fourth
child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now, I
want to assure you that these 50 years have been the most
wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your
answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know,
did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the
eye. She pauses for a moment and then confesses, "I'm
afraid he did have a different father."
The old man is very shaken, and the news was hitting him
harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks,
"Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first.
She musters the courage to tell her husband the truth, and
finally says "You."
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: The Moon
date: Fri Jan 7 20:40:46 2000
I fear the human race:
http://www.reptiles.org/~madrev/Moon/The-Mad-Revisionist.htm
------------------------------
poster: Biorn
subject: Me *flex*
date: Sun Jan 9 12:23:55 2000
That's right, I'm starring in of the MUD comic strips.
http://www.muds.co.uk/media/archives/june99/990610.jpg
------------------------------
poster: Biorn
subject: me again
date: Sun Jan 9 12:24:55 2000
http://www.muds.co.uk/media/archives/june99/990615.jpg
------------------------------
poster: Apathy
subject: How desperate can you get?
date: Sun Jan 9 12:54:23 2000
http://www.denverpost.com/news/news0108g.htm
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Stuff...
date: Thu Jan 13 16:05:16 2000
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from
Holland called Holes?
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would
you get a Philip’s screwdriver?
If a pig loses it’s voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts” and you put
your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invest all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread
to begin with.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano call a pianist, but a person
who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposite things?
If horrific mean to make horrible, doesn’t terrific mean to make
terrible?
Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety-one?
“I am.” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that “I do.” is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, doesn’t it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as 4’s?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars
in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall
has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: The suit...
date: Thu Jan 13 16:12:58 2000
When the store manager returned from lunch, he
noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before
he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he
had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that
terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue
double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never
get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest
suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand
bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit,
his guide dog bit me."
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Canadian
date: Thu Jan 13 16:58:27 2000
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital
to the ground
9. Own-an-eskimo scheme
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in
their skins
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital
to the ground
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity
ratings will rise
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital
to the ground
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital
to the ground
1. It beats being an American
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: hmm...
date: Fri Jan 14 05:49:02 2000
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual
problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me
see what I can do," said the doctor.
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife.
"Please take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," requested the
doctor.
The woman obliged.
"Now, turn all the way around... Lie down please... Uh-huh,
I see... Okay, you can put your clothes back on now."
The doctor took the husband aside and explained, "You're
in perfect health, mister. Your wife didn't give me an erection
either."
- Ant, the pervert
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Contest...
date: Fri Jan 14 14:53:25 2000
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer.
This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold
a contest, with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and began. They typed
furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours
straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of
lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the
power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and
cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well,
then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a
command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an
angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He
stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact!
How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Everybody knows Jesus saves."
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Star Pants
date: Sun Jan 16 14:19:38 2000
Lines From Star Wars That Can Be Improved If You Substitue The Word "Pants"
For Key Words
We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up
or down.
The pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it
where it counts.
I find your lack of pants disturbing.
These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.
Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!
You are unwise to lower your pants.
She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a
detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally,
Commander.
You look strong enough to pull the pants off a gundark.
Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants!
A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the
presence of my old master.
Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants
more heavily guarded than this.
Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness?
Luke, search your pants. You know it to be true.
Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong.
Especially for...your sister!
Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at
the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
Short pants is better than no pants at all.
That blast came from those pants! That thing's operational!
- Pants
------------------------------
poster: Larssi
subject: terrorists & lawayers
date: Mon Jan 17 05:10:14 2000
A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the
Ramada hotel, where the American Bar Association was
holding its annual convention. More than a hundred lawyers
were taken as hostages.
The terrorist leader announced that
unless their demands were met, they would release one
lawyer every half hour.
------------------------------
poster: Larssi
subject: 4 older ladies confessions
date: Mon Jan 17 06:23:09 2000
Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge.
The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a
long time and there is something I must get off my chest.
I am a Kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from
you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."
The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions
here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a Nymphomaniac.
But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest
me and never will; we have been friends for too long."
"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a
Lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type.
We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also.
I am an uncontrolable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: In a bar...
date: Mon Jan 17 16:01:36 2000
A guy goes to a single's bar to find a bedmate for the nite. He sits
at the bar and has a couple of drinks while surveying his possibilities.
He finally decides on a cute redhead that seems to be having a great
time dancing with different guys. So he has another quick drink while
waiting for the music to stop, making sure he is positioned to ask her
for the next dance.
He gets it, but after gyrating madly on the dance floor with the gal,
after the dance he feels a bit woozy from the drinks he'd had.
"How many drinks does it take to get you dizzy?" he asks the perky
redhead.
"Oh, four or five." she answers, adding "And don't call me Dizzy."
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Surgery spookies
date: Mon Jan 17 16:04:18 2000
Things you do NOT want to hear in surgery...
1.) Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2.) Somebody call the janitor--we're going to need a mop.
3.) 'Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.'
4.) Sparky! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
5.) Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
6.) Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.
7.) Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
8.) Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived a full hypo
of this stuff before?
9.) Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
10.) Could you stop that thing from beating; it's
throwing my concentration off.
11.) What's this doing here?
12.) I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
13.) That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?
14.) I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
15.) Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16.) Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
17.) Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
18.) Next, we remove the subject's brain and place
it in the body of the ape.
19.) Now take a picture from this angle. This is
truly a freak of nature.
20.) This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
21.) Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
22.) Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
23.) What do you mean, "You want a divorce?"
24.) She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!
25.) FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out!
26.) Pssst! Cm'on and watch. Pooh's going to goose
the surgeon!
27.) And next week, we'll be learning how to stitch
up a patient.
28.) Your name is Rainy what and you want to do what
to the patient?
29.) Hello, I'm Dr. Squiffy....
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Thrain
subject: Better than green eggs and ham.
date: Mon Jan 17 21:23:09 2000
"President Clinton's Testimony" by Dr. Seuss
I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you've been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her 'round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn't, even with my wife
And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don't remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don't recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy
I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have-once-with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed
It never happened with cigar
I never dated Mrs. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you've caught me
But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, never did inhale.
------------------------------
poster: Wimwam
subject: do you feel luckey?
date: Tue Jan 18 11:07:44 2000
On welfare in Holland, king in Ghana
Jobless construction worker rules region of African nation on visits
By Anthony Deutsch
ASSOCIATED PRESS
AMSTERDAM, Netherlands A middle-age, paunchy, unemployed white man
plops down on the sofa to
watch TV with his children.
Meet King Togbe Korsi Ferdinand Gakpetor II of Ghana.
In Holland, the king is Henk Otte, a Dutch construction worker on
welfare. In West Africa, he
rules part of the lush Volta Region, home to tens of thousands of
Ewes who revere him as Togbe,
or king.
Otte, 43, is as Dutch as the Dutch come, born and raised in
Amsterdam like his parents. He
lives in an Amsterdam housing project with his wife and two
children, and an ordinary life
would have suited him just fine.
But during a 1995 visit to the hometown of his Ghanaian-born wife,
Mamaa Awo Mepeyo Kpui, Otte
was identified as the reincarnation of the late chief, his wife's grandfather.
``My two brothers were there when I was asked to become king,'' Otte
said with a chuckle.
``When I translated for them what had been said, they almost choked
with laughter: `You, a
king? Ha!' ''
Now, when his brothers accompany him to Ghana, Otte is carried by
throne-bearers and surrounded
by cheering crowds. Drummers pound and dancers swirl in a surreal
procession that has been
shown on several Dutch television documentaries.
The region he rules, about 45 miles east of the capital, Accra,
comprises about 40 villages
populated by more than 100,000 people. It was leaderless for almost
17 years until the Dutchman
was proclaimed king.
According to local lore, the Ewes in the Volta Region originate from
the eastern shores of
Togo's Aklakpa River. According to legend, alligators carried their
first king across the dark,
torrential waters to settle their homeland.
When he is in Africa, Otte wears a crown and monarch's garments and
lives in a home built for
him.
Otte's attraction to Ghana began as a child, while reading about the
geography and history of
the region. Later, he says, a Ghanaian fortune-teller predicted he
would obtain a position of
power.
During a visit to his wife's village of Mepe, a spiritual healer
told Otte things about his
life the Dutchman is convinced the healer couldn't have possibly
known. Villagers stared at
him, insisting that his spiritual ``aura'' reminded them of the late
king. He became a magnet
for swarms of children and visitors, who walked for days to see him.
One evening, Mepe's leaders told him he was the chosen one.
``They asked me how I would feel about becoming king,'' he said. ``I
looked at them and
thought: `You've got to be completely insane.' ''
Although he's considering moving to Ghana, Otte is aware that life
as a king isn't all fun and
games. In Mepe, he is prohibited from eating or drinking in public,
he can't shake hands with
the thousands of ``commoners'' who flock to his side, and he is
always escorted, even to the
toilet.
Otte doesn't believe in reincarnation, myths or spiritual healing.
But over the years, he has
overcome his Western skepticism and now agrees with his subjects
that his appointment was
predetermined by a higher being.
``If you think about it, it's pretty weird,'' he said. ``But it's my
destiny.''
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Movie Clichés
date: Tue Jan 18 13:11:24 2000
http://www.moviecliches.com/
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Another Chat warning..
date: Tue Jan 18 14:15:51 2000
From the fine folks at the Weekly World News:
CYBERSPACE WARNING: That cute gal you've been chatting with may
actually be a GHOST!
http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/stories/1693.html
Warning to all guys: That charming, friendly, down-to-earth gal you've
been chatting with on the Internet may not be a flesh and blood female
at all -- she may be a ghost!
Those words of caution comes from top paranormal investigators, who've
learned that spirits of the dead frequently communicate through the
Internet and often pretend to be living people.
"Your e-mail pen pal may in fact be a disembodied spirit," confirms
Alfred Halifcourt, one of England's most respected psychic
researchers.
The Internet has opened up a whole new world for the dead, who often
crave interaction with the living, according to the expert.
"Cyberspace is a place where the spirit world and the material world
overlap and it's easy for spirits to communicate with us there," he
explains. "Using mental energy, they can cause what appears to be an
ordinary Instant Message or an e-mail to appear on your computer
screen. "Occasionally a ghost will reveal his or her true identity in
an Internet chat, but more often they let people assume they are
alive. They are afraid, perhaps rightly, of frightening people off."
Halifcourt says he first became aware of the phenomenon in 1996 when
he was cruising the Internet himself and started up a verbal exchange
with a woman he encountered in a chat room. She identified herself as
Carolyn and started a lively conversation.
"She was very flirtatious and engaging, but I kept noticing that her
language was somewhat out of date," he recalls. "She repeatedly used
antiquated phrases such as 'horseless carriage.'
"I became suspicious and asked if she was a ghost. At first she denied
it, but when I pressed her, she admitted that she had drowned back in
1911 at the age of 21."
The spirit told Halifcourt that she wasn't the only ghost surfing the
Net. Many others -- especially vivacious females who'd died before
having a chance to experience love and marriage -- were also chatting
up a storm with live humans around the world, mostly gullible young
men.
Further research has convinced the investigator that at least 200,000
spirits are logged onto the Web at any given time.
"Most of those are individuals who died in 1868 or later," he
revealed. "Those who lived prior to the invention of the typewriter
don't seem to have the ability to communicate this way."
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: 90's
date: Tue Jan 18 20:23:36 2000
> > Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The 90's:
> >
> > 1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
> >
> > 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
> >
> > 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
> >
> > 4. You e-mail your colleague at the desk next to you to ask "Do you
> wanna
> go
> > out for lunch?" and he replies "Yeah, give me five minutes".
> >
> > 5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America,
> but
> > you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
> >
> > 6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they
> don't
> > have e-mail.
> >
> > 7. Your idea of being organized is multicolored post-its.
> >
> > 8. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
> >
> > 9. When you go home after a long day at the office you still answer
> the
> > phone in a business manner.
> >
> > 10. When you make calls from home, you automatically dial "9" to
> get an
> > outside line.
> >
> > 11. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
> > different companies.
> >
> > 12. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay raise.
> >
> > 13. Your biggest loss from a computer crash is all of your jokes.
> >
> > 14. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
> >
> > 15. You know exactly how many days you've got left until
> retirement.
> >
> > 16. Interviewees, despite not having the knowledge or experience,
> > terminate the interview when told the starting salary.
> >
> > 17. When you see a good looking, smart person, you know it must be
> a
> visitor.
> >
> > 18. Being sick is defined as not being able to walk or being in the
> hospital.
> >
> > 19. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
> >
> > 20. Your boss' favorite lines are:
> > * When you've got a few minutes...
> > * Could you fit this in...?
> > * ...in your spare time...
> > * When you're free...
> > * I know you're busy but...
> >
> > 21. Every week another collection envelope comes around because
> someone
> > you didn't know had started is leaving.
> >
> > 22. You wonder who's going to be left to put money into your
> 'leaving'
> > envelope.
> >
> > 23. Your family and friends describe your job as "works with
> computers".
> >
> > 24. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
> >
> > 25. You read this entire list, nodding and smiling.
> >
> > 26. As you read this list, you thought about forwarding it to your
> "friends
> > you send jokes to" e-mail group.
> >
> > 27. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this
> list
> > already, but you can't be bothered to check, so you forward it
> anyway.
------------------------------
poster: Athena
subject: hehhhheh so damn true
date: Tue Jan 18 21:40:00 2000
EVERYTHING I EVER NEEDED TO KNOW, I LEARNED AT THE MOVIES:
1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the
price range of most people, whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut.
You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you
one by
one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out
their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your
bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world
expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down
three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley
systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow
their captives at least 20 minutes
to escape.
10. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a
strip club at least once.
11. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit
level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
12. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
bread.
13. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in
the control tower to talk you down.
14. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off, even while scuba
diving.
15. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you
make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back
home.
16. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian
officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or
Russian
accent will do.
17. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
18. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating,
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
19. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through it before long.
20. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen, but will always
say: Enter Password Now.
22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary
to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few
moments.
23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
24. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.
25. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet
will know all the steps.
26. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
opposite.
27. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak
to each other in English.
------------------------------
poster: Darkstaff
subject: >In a bar...
date: Tue Jan 18 22:23:14 2000
On Mon Jan 17 16:01:36 2000 Ant wrote post #22:
> A guy goes to a single's bar to find a bedmate for the nite. He sits
> at the bar and has a couple of drinks while surveying his possibilities.
> He finally decides on a cute redhead that seems to be having a great
> time dancing with different guys. So he has another quick drink while
> waiting for the music to stop, making sure he is positioned to ask her
> for the next dance.
> He gets it, but after gyrating madly on the dance floor with the gal,
> after the dance he feels a bit woozy from the drinks he'd had.
> "How many drinks does it take to get you dizzy?" he asks the perky
> redhead.
> "Oh, four or five." she answers, adding "And don't call me Dizzy."
>
> - Ant
>
stupid joke alert!
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: >>In a bar...
date: Wed Jan 19 15:03:35 2000
On Tue Jan 18 22:23:14 2000 Darkstaff wrote post #30:
> On Mon Jan 17 16:01:36 2000 Ant wrote post #22:
> > A guy goes to a single's bar to find a bedmate for the nite. He sits
> > at the bar and has a couple of drinks while surveying his possibilities.
> > He finally decides on a cute redhead that seems to be having a great
> > time dancing with different guys. So he has another quick drink while
> > waiting for the music to stop, making sure he is positioned to ask her
> > for the next dance.
> > He gets it, but after gyrating madly on the dance floor with the gal,
> > after the dance he feels a bit woozy from the drinks he'd had.
> > "How many drinks does it take to get you dizzy?" he asks the perky
> > redhead.
> > "Oh, four or five." she answers, adding "And don't call me Dizzy."
> >
> > - Ant
> >
>
> stupid joke alert!
Just comes to show that even geniuses fail sometimes...
------------------------------
poster: Wildchild
subject: Having a bad day?
date: Sat Jan 22 15:05:14 2000
http://www.neatpage.com/blotto.htm
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Smuggling...
date: Mon Jan 24 16:26:00 2000
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.
He has two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them
out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight
and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing
but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand
into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him
cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks,
"What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan
crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a
Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something.
It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep.
Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Top Ten
date: Tue Jan 25 22:29:03 2000
tell wildchild I had to post something
Top Ten Middle-Of-The-Night Messages
Siegfried Leaves On Roy's Answering
Machine
How about black and orange Spandex bodysuits
for the Halloween show? Get back to me."
"Do you have my turquoise rhinestone-studded
socks?
"I've had five margaritas and I've got to tell
someone how goddamn sick I am of tigers."
"I just had a brainstorm: poodles!"
"Did I leave my whip at your place?"
"That Soloflex commercial is on channel 27,
don't worry--I'm taping it."
"Where do you want me to forward your mail
from the Flamboyant Lion Tamer Society?"
"Stop telling the tigers lies about me."
"I left your tigers in a cardboard box on my
porch, if you want to come get them."
"Snowball got into the rhinestones again."
------------------------------
poster: Larssi
subject: >Top Ten
date: Wed Jan 26 04:39:27 2000
On Tue Jan 25 22:29:03 2000 Javier wrote post #34:
> tell wildchild I had to post something
> Top Ten Middle-Of-The-Night Messages
> Siegfried Leaves On Roy's Answering
> Machine
>
> How about black and orange Spandex bodysuits
> for the Halloween show? Get back to me."
>
> "Do you have my turquoise rhinestone-studded
> socks?
>
> "I've had five margaritas and I've got to tell
> someone how goddamn sick I am of tigers."
>
> "I just had a brainstorm: poodles!"
> "Did I leave my whip at your place?"
>
> "That Soloflex commercial is on channel 27,
> don't worry--I'm taping it."
>
> "Where do you want me to forward your mail
> from the Flamboyant Lion Tamer Society?"
>
> "Stop telling the tigers lies about me."
>
> "I left your tigers in a cardboard box on my
> porch, if you want to come get them."
>
> "Snowball got into the rhinestones again."
>
I think only first line was funny.
*chuckle*
------------------------------
poster: Kazulanth
subject: Japanese Marketing
date: Wed Jan 26 19:30:42 2000
Fear.
http://www.animejump.com/saiyan1big.jpg
--Kazulanth
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: A piece of...
date: Thu Jan 27 16:08:45 2000
Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake
and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I
sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little
Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around
here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Website
date: Thu Jan 27 17:05:59 2000
http://www.plif.com/
Hilarious stuff... They adapt a very Gary Larson-like sense of humor.
Check it out.
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: the BEST quote EVER
date: Fri Jan 28 00:36:58 2000
Here's the first quotable quote of the century.
Monica Lewinsky (on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her miraculous
Jenny Craig weight-loss):
"I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me."
------------------------------
poster: Trancemaster
subject: >the BEST quote EVER
date: Fri Jan 28 07:58:31 2000
On Fri Jan 28 00:36:58 2000 Mixer wrote post #39:
> Here's the first quotable quote of the century.
>
> Monica Lewinsky (on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her miraculous
> Jenny Craig weight-loss):
>
> "I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me."
oh shit, thats given me the best laugh ive had in a LOOOOOOONNG time :)
%^BOLD%^%^BLUE%^Trance%^RESET%^
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Yo Momma
date: Sat Jan 29 11:11:29 2000
Yo Momma's so fat....
...she has to iron her pants on the driveway.
...when she dances she makes the band skip.
...when she was diagnosed with the flesh-eating disease the doctor gave
her 13 years to live.
...she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
...her ass has its own congressman.
...her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
...when she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
...her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
...her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
...the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
...all the restaurants in town have signs that say "Maximum
Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Momma".
...when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk
carton.
...when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
...she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
...she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
...I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good
side.
...they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the
other side to get her through.
...her nickname is "DAAAMN!!"
...she's on BOTH sides of the family.
...when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall.
...she could sell shade.
...when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.
...people jog around her for exercise.
...she gets runs in her jeans.
...her blood type is Ragu.
...when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an
estimate.
...if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it !
...she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
...when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party
...she can't even jump to a conclusion.
...she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
...her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
...she was walking down the street, I swerved to miss her and ran out
of gas
------------------------------
poster: Astarte
subject: sex talk?
date: Sat Jan 29 22:06:00 2000
Killaaz tells you: kinda fun to mud after a pub run;)
Killaaz pats you on the head.
*Killaaz loves you.
Killaaz tells you: is 5.24am at your place too?
You tell Killaaz : noggadoodle
*Killaaz lafs at you.
You tell Killaaz : not really, i did the same yesterday
You tell Killaaz : got up at 5 pm today :P
Killaaz tells you: im just drunk....not that much...but im still drunk;)
Killaaz tells you: hehe..just like snoopie
*You smirk at Killaaz.
Killaaz tells you: i hafta call him at dinner time to wake him up;)
You tell Killaaz : oh dear, mudding drunk usually is a mistake
You tell Killaaz : too many deaths :P
Killaaz tells you: nah....i can still type;)
Killaaz tells you: last time i was drunk and mudded i started some silly
conversation with someone....when i went ld i called im pig mother fucker
and shit,,,and he called me about same
You tell Killaaz : let's start immediately, or...? =:PP
You tell Killaaz : rofl
Killaaz tells you: im kinda fucked up when im drunk...
You tell Killaaz : j/k
Killaaz tells you: im too sober to start killing people;)
You tell Killaaz : hand me some vodka lemon
Killaaz tells you: single malt...12years..thats good stuff;)
You tell Killaaz : i've got a headache and should have got drunk, too :P
*Killaaz nods at you.
You tell Killaaz : nah, whisky doesn't taste
You tell Killaaz : well, neither alc does
Killaaz tells you: nodnod
You tell Killaaz : that's why i usually mix em
*Killaaz looks at you and goes, "Heh."
You tell Killaaz : but no need to put single malt into cherry juice or sumthin
Killaaz tells you: thats why i always drink homemade alc.;)
Killaaz tells you: nods
You tell Killaaz : well, afaik, anything else in your country is unaffordable
Killaaz tells you: ;)
You tell Killaaz : and beer is plainly expensive, isn't it?
Killaaz tells you: nods..beer cant ever be to cheap;)
You tell Killaaz : well, in germany it's about 0.30 to 0.60 $ a bottle
Killaaz tells you: and we got lots of other stupied laws that prevents us from
buying german beer:)
Killaaz tells you: someone told me that you shouldnt ask how old a girl
is....but here it comes...how old are ya?
You tell Killaaz : laf. should i answer with prepare to get killed? :P
*Killaaz smiles at you.
You tell Killaaz : 26 and no cure
Killaaz tells you: eek...as old as my mom...
You tell Killaaz : rofl
Killaaz tells you: hehe
You tell Killaaz : i doubt that
*Killaaz nods at you.
Killaaz tells you: just 20:(
You tell Killaaz : baby
*Killaaz smiles at you.
Killaaz tells you: im to sexy for my car to sexy for my....etc.;)
You tell Killaaz : yeah, sure
Killaaz tells you: :)
You tell Killaaz : so you are blond, square face, hardly 5 feet and wear thick
glasses?
Killaaz tells you: muahahaha
Astarte [deathwish]: i should log this talk with killaaz
Caliban [deathwish]: heh
Killaaz tells you: im not blond im not square faced not 5 feet and i dont use
glasses
Killaaz tells you: i got brown hair...fat like a pig and 2feet tall:P
You tell Killaaz : marry me
Killaaz tells you: sure
You tell Killaaz : i guess i gotta log this and post it to the boards :P
Killaaz tells you: :)
A.
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Meantal Health Hotline
date: Mon Jan 31 09:42:21 2000
UPDATE FOR THE MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE
Hello, and welcome to the "Mental Health Hotline".
* If you are obsessive/compulsive; press 1 over and over and over.
* If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you now.
* If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay
on the line so we can trace your call.
* If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred
to the "mother ship".
* If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will
tell you number to press.
* If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press - no one will answer anyway because no one wants to talk to
you, LOSER!
* If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696969696.
* If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the Star and
Pound keys until a representative comes on the line.
* If you have amnesia, try and remember why you are calling us.
Then press #8 and state your name, address, date of birth, social security
number, and your mother's maiden name ...remember Mother?
* If you have kleptomania, please put the phone back where you
found it.
* If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep,
or before the beep. Or after the beep... please wait for the beep.
* If you have short term memory loss, please press #9.
* If you have short term memory loss, please press #9.
* If you have short term memory loss, please press #9.
* If you have short term memory loss, please press #9.
* If you have low self-esteem. Please hang up now, none of our
operators has any desire to speak to you .
* If you suffer from road rage, take a drive and relax. Call us if
you come back.
* Thank You, and have a "buttercup of a day".
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Fit Old Man
date: Mon Jan 31 14:48:18 2000
"Look at ME!!" boasted the fit old man, pounding a very flat
and firm stomach, having just finished 100 sit-ups before a
group of young people.
"Fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why?? I don't smoke, I
don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after loose
women!!"
He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes aglitter, "And tomorrow,
YAHOO, I'm going to celebrate my *95th* birthday!!!"
"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Apathy
subject: Moral of the day
date: Mon Jan 31 18:37:12 2000
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/aponline/20000130/aponline153939_000.htm
Phire -]-- mystics --[-: moral of the day, marry a greek
-Apathy
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: The Blair Family Circus Project
date: Mon Jan 31 19:37:31 2000
http://www.brunching.com/features/feature-blaircircus.html
------------------------------
poster: Bond
subject: think %^MAGENTA%^9 sec to tock.%^RESET%^
date: Wed Feb 2 08:00:15 2000
boygirltalk
An 8-year old boy walks home from school each day passing an 8 year
old girl's house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football,
he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up his football and
says, "See this
football?
Football is a boys' game, and only boys can have a football."
The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a
football." Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets
her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he
rides up on his bike. She holds up the football and says, "Nah Na
Nah Nah". The little boy angrily points to his bike and says, "Oh
yeah, well this is a boy's bike and only boys get boy's bikes and
you can't have one." She runs into the house for her mom. The next
day the little girl is waiting for the boy on her new boy's bike.
The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his
most private of parts and says "Look, only boys have these and your
mom can't buy you one!"
The next day he walks by and asks her, "Well I guess I showed you," to
which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts.The little girl
proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can
have as many of THOSE as I want!"
------------------------------
poster: Bond
subject: Fu*k.
date: Wed Feb 2 08:02:09 2000
FUCK!
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the
English language today is the word "fuck". It is the magical word
which, just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, love, and
hate.
In language , "fuck" falls into many Grammatical catagories.
It can be used as a verb both transitive (John fucked Mary) and
intransitive (Mary was Fucked by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb
(Mary really doesn't give a fuck), and adverb (Mary is fucking
interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).
It can also be used as an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary).
It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid).
As you can see there are very few words with the overall versitility
of the word fuck.
Aside from its sexual connotations, this word can be used to
describe many situations:
1 Greetings........."How the fuck are ya?"
2 Fraud..............."I got fucked by the car dealer."
3 Resignation......."Oh, fuck it!"
4 Trouble............."I guess I'm fucked now."
5 Agression........."FUCK YOU!"
6 Disgust................"Fuck me."
7 Confusion............." What tha fuck...?"
8 Displeasure............"Fucking shit man..."
9 Lost........................"where the fuck are we?"
10 Disbelief.................."UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!!"
11 Retaliation............."Up your fucking ass!"
12 Apathy................."Who really gives a fuck?"
13 Suspicion............."Who the fuck are you?"
14 Directions.............."Fuck off."
It can be maternal........"MOTHERFUCKER!!"
It can be used to tell time......." It's four fucking twenty!"
It can be used as an anatomical description............."He's a
fucking asshole."
Lastly, it has been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?" ~Mayor of Hiroshima~
"Thats not a real fucking gun." ~John Lennon~
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" ~Captain of the Titanic~
"Who the fuck is gonna find out?" ~Richard Nixon~
"Heads are gonna fucking roll." ~Anne Boleyn~
"Any fucking idiot could answer that." ~Albert Einstein~
"It does so fucking look like her!" ~Picasso~
"You want what on the fucking celiling?" ~Michaelangelo~
"Fuck a duck." ~Walt Disney~
"Houston we Have a big fucking problem." ~the crew of Apollo 13~
------------------------------
poster: Bond
subject: notajokebutniceanyway
date: Wed Feb 2 08:13:54 2000
Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps
You won't admit you love me.
And so how am I ever to know?
You only tell me
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
A million times I ask you,
And then I ask you over again.
You only answer
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
If you can't make your mind up,
We'll never get started.
And I don't wanna wind up
Being parted, broken-hearted.
So if you really love me,
Say yes.
But if you don't, dear, confess.
And please don't tell me
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
If you can't make your mind up,
We'll never get started.
And I don't wanna wind up
Being parted, broken-hearted.
So if you really love me,
Say yes.
But if you don't, dear, confess.
And please don't tell me
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
l
i
lag
hrm...oops.
------------------------------
poster: Trancemaster
subject: >think %^MAGENTA%^9 sec to tock.%^RESET%^
date: Wed Feb 2 15:56:19 2000
On Wed Feb 2 08:00:15 2000 Bond wrote post #47:
> boygirltalk
>
>
> An 8-year old boy walks home from school each day passing an 8 year
> old girl's house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football,
> he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up his football and
> says, "See this
> football?
> Football is a boys' game, and only boys can have a football."
> The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a
> football." Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets
> her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he
> rides up on his bike. She holds up the football and says, "Nah Na
> Nah Nah". The little boy angrily points to his bike and says, "Oh
> yeah, well this is a boy's bike and only boys get boy's bikes and
> you can't have one." She runs into the house for her mom. The next
> day the little girl is waiting for the boy on her new boy's bike.
> The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his
> most private of parts and says "Look, only boys have these and your
> mom can't buy you one!"
> The next day he walks by and asks her, "Well I guess I showed you," to
> which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts.The little girl
> proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can
> have as many of THOSE as I want!"
rofl!!!!
------------------------------
poster: Apathy
subject: >Fu*k.
date: Wed Feb 2 16:05:40 2000
> In language , "fuck" falls into many Grammatical catagories.
> It can be used as a verb both transitive (John fucked Mary) and
> intransitive (Mary was Fucked by John).
> It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb
> (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), and adverb (Mary is fucking
> interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).
I just wanna point out that "John fucked Mary" and "Mary was fucked
by John" are examples of active voice versus passive voice, not
transitive versus intransitive.
Active versus passive is *not* "John really gives a fuck." versus
"Mary really doesn't give a fuck." The verb in those sentences is
give, not fuck.
-Apathy
------------------------------
poster: Apathy
subject: Army Taped Roosevelt Tryst
date: Wed Feb 2 16:12:51 2000
http://dailynews.yahoo.com/h/ao/20000131/cr/20000131011.html
-Apathy
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: rubber on a stick...
date: Thu Feb 3 13:24:56 2000
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a
seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips
on the floor and he falls.
As the old man gets up and composes himself, a young kid,
sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "You know, if you put
a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it won't slip."
The old geezer man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the
same thing seven years ago, I'd have a seat on this here bus."
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: The truth...
date: Thu Feb 3 13:27:37 2000
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding
at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail
them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home
and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he
says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and
greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him
$40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees
the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the
whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then
come give your FATHER a big hug!"
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: The typewriter...
date: Thu Feb 3 13:28:45 2000
A husband and wife decided they needed to use a code word to
indicate that they wanted to have sex, without letting their children in on
the idea, so they decided on the word "typewriter."
One day, the husband told his five year old daughter, "Dear, go tell your
mommy that Daddy needs to type a letter. "
The child went into the next room and told her mom what Daddy had said,and
her mother responded, "Honey, tell your daddy that he can't type a letter
right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her dad what her mom had said. A few days later,
the mother told her daughter, "Honey, go tell Daddy that he can type that
letter now."
The child went into the next room and gave her dad the message. A few
moments later, she returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said
never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Kazulanth
subject: Sadie Hawkins
date: Thu Feb 3 19:03:36 2000
Sadie Hawkins dances are dances in which the girls ask the boys,
instead of the other way around. If you've ever wanted to know who
Sadie Hawkins was..
http://www.ocolly.okstate.edu/issues/1997_Spring/970214/stories/sadie.html
--Kaz
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: What Type Of Dog Are You?
date: Fri Feb 4 13:52:55 2000
This is a cute little test...I was a Pekingese
http://www.emode.com/tests/dog2.html
------------------------------
poster: Phire
subject: >What Type Of Dog Are You?
date: Fri Feb 4 15:45:56 2000
On Fri Feb 4 13:52:55 2000 Javier wrote post #57:
> This is a cute little test...I was a Pekingese
> http://www.emode.com/tests/dog2.html
If you have time, there are some interesting tests on that site,
some serious and others off the wall
------------------------------
poster: Zifnab
subject: fyi
date: Fri Feb 4 19:42:53 2000
> Subject: How Old Are We?
>
> I know that we're not old yet, but something like this makes you think
> twice about how young we thought we were..............
>
> Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change
>
> things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a
> list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's
> incoming
> Freshmen.
>
> Here is this year's list:
Here is this year's list:
>
> The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born
> in 1981/82. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and
> probably did not know he had ever been shot. They were prepubescent when
> the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to
> them as the Great Depression. There has been only one Pope. They were 11
> when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War. They
> have never feared a nuclear war. They are too young to remember the space
> shuttle blowing up. Tianamen Square means nothing to them. Their lifetime
> has always included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw off and
> plastic. Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression you sound
> like a broken record means nothing to them. They have never owned a record
> player.
> They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong. They
> may have never heard of an 8 Track. The Compact Disc was introduced when
> they were 1 year old.
> As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents. They have
> always had an answering machine. Most have never seen a TV set with only
> 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV. They have always had
> cable. There has always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
> They cannot fathom not having a remote control. They were born the year
> that Walkman were introduced by Sony. Roller-skating has always meant
> inline for them. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. They have
> no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool. Popcorn has always been
> cooked in the microwave. They have never seen Larry Bird play. They never
> took a swim and thought about Jaws. The Vietnam War is as ancient history
> to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War. They have no idea that Americans
> were ever held hostage in Iran. They can't imagine what hard contact
> lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never
> heard: Where's the beef? I'd walk a mile for a Camel or de plane, de
> plane. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is. The
> Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was. Michael
> Jackson has always been white. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and
> Alabama are places, not groups. McDonalds never came in Styrofoam
> containers. There has always been MTV. They don't have a clue how to use a
> typewriter. Do you
> feel old yet? Pass this on.........
>
------------------------------
poster: Apathy
subject: >fyi
date: Fri Feb 4 19:46:45 2000
On Fri Feb 4 19:42:53 2000 Zifnab wrote post #60:
> > Subject: How Old Are We?
> >
> > I know that we're not old yet, but something like this makes you think
> > twice about how young we thought we were..............
> >
> > Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change
> >
> > things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a
> > list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's
> > incoming
> > Freshmen.
> >
> > Here is this year's list:
> Here is this year's list:
> >
> > The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born
> > in 1981/82. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and
> > probably did not know he had ever been shot. They were prepubescent when
> > the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to
> > them as the Great Depression. There has been only one Pope. They were 11
> > when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War. They
> > have never feared a nuclear war. They are too young to remember the space
> > shuttle blowing up. Tianamen Square means nothing to them. Their lifetime
> > has always included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw off and
> > plastic. Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression you sound
> > like a broken record means nothing to them. They have never owned a record
> > player.
> > They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong. They
> > may have never heard of an 8 Track. The Compact Disc was introduced when
> > they were 1 year old.
> > As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents. They have
> > always had an answering machine. Most have never seen a TV set with only
> > 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV. They have always had
> > cable. There has always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
> > They cannot fathom not having a remote control. They were born the year
> > that Walkman were introduced by Sony. Roller-skating has always meant
> > inline for them. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. They have
> > no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool. Popcorn has always been
> > cooked in the microwave. They have never seen Larry Bird play. They never
> > took a swim and thought about Jaws. The Vietnam War is as ancient history
> > to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War. They have no idea that Americans
> > were ever held hostage in Iran. They can't imagine what hard contact
> > lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never
> > heard: Where's the beef? I'd walk a mile for a Camel or de plane, de
> > plane. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is. The
> > Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was. Michael
> > Jackson has always been white. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and
> > Alabama are places, not groups. McDonalds never came in Styrofoam
> > containers. There has always been MTV. They don't have a clue how to use a
> > typewriter. Do you
> > feel old yet? Pass this on.........
> >
I resent this. This is written about my class, and half of it is
completely untrue (at least for me).
-Apathy :P
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: 3 little pigs
date: Sat Feb 5 17:06:43 2000
My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at
night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humour, he often ad-libs
parts of the stories for fun. One day his youngest son was
sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading
the story of the Three Little Pigs.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was
trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said
"...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow
full of straw and said "Pardon me sir, but might I have
some of that straw to build my house with?"
Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that
man said?"
My friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know!
He said 'Holy Shit!! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
------------------------------
poster: Alisha
subject: New Pics.
date: Sat Feb 5 19:02:07 2000
New pictures of me!
http://www.geocities.com/athens/pantheon/1250/pics/hkindacute.jpg
Fitting place to post it, huh? ;)
-- Lishie
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: Doctor
date: Sat Feb 5 22:57:21 2000
My family physician told me of an incident that
actually happened to him back in the early days
of his practice.
He said a woman brought her baby to see him,
and he determined right away that the baby had
an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops.
In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right
ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right"
as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the woman returned
with her baby, complaining that the baby still had
an earache, and his little behind was getting really
greasy with all those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and
sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the
following instructions on the label:
"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Payback
date: Sat Feb 5 23:53:59 2000
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in
high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to
each other in 10th grade.
When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same
college but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast,
and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be
faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together. As
time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be
home,and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the
letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his
messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date
around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls,
letters, and emails trying to win back her love. She soon became
very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she
wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this:
She took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's
unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading,
"I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."
Well, needless to say, this guy was broken but, even more so, he was
pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of
the photo the following message:
"Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more
money! I'm getting pretty desperate!" And mailed the picture to her
parents.
(PAYBACK'S A BITCH AIN'T IT!!??)
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Deep Thoughts
date: Sun Feb 6 10:43:30 2000
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and
all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish
and worry about my liver."
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Bush
date: Mon Feb 7 20:50:56 2000
http://www.salon.com/comics/tomo/2000/02/07/tomo/index.html
------------------------------
poster: Nyx
subject: Satan on punctuation
date: Tue Feb 8 12:54:59 2000
Hi, I'm Satan, and I'd like to talk to you about punctuation.
Kids, words are neat and highly useful. But without the right
combination of punctuation marks, they can be confusing, meaningless
and a gateway into Hell.
Let's start with the comma, shall we?
The comma is the one of the most commonly used forms of punctuation,
and the most diabolical. A comma is meant to denote a pause or
change in thought. This is used when the new thought is not an
entire sentence on its own, such as in the sentence "I like to feast
on the tormented souls of the Damned, especially when they're
screaming." The phrase "especially when they're screaming" is not a
complete sentence on its own, and is simply attached to the previous
phrase by the comma.
Commas can also be used to separate items in a list. For example:
"In Hell, many people spend eternity being eaten alive by maggots,
vermin, locusts, and cockroaches." The commas in that sentence
separate the items in the list from one another, much like the
charred bones of the still-conscious Damned are often separated on
the eternal slab of pain, one from another.
Next, let's talk about the question mark.
Question marks are oddly-shaped hooks which denote a question. The
question mark is meant to be used when you are requesting new
information, and in fact the symbol was made to resemble the
razor-sharp hook of my minions who impale and vivisect any and all
who dare ask for knowledge in Hell. Proper uses of the question mark
would be in posing such questions as "Will my boiling eyeballs ever
fully melt out of my skull?" or "Oh my God can someone please make
the fire ants leave my genitals alone?" Or even "What shall I wear
today?" As you see, kids, the question mark can be used in many
ways.
Our final lesson today involves my personal favorite punctuation
mark, the semicolon. Improper use of the semicolon can be confusing,
foolish and can lead you straight to Hell. While this simple
punctuation mark has confounded many an individual, most of you will
be able to go through your lives without full knowledge of this
Satanic symbol. The locals in Hell, however, are not so lucky, and
their tormented wails of misery ring the halls as hordes of demons
spend eternity slowly peeling off their skin while explaining its
many uses.
Remember, Kids, punctuation is important. If you screw it up, you'll
be laughed at, ridiculed and sent straight to Hell.
I'm Satan, see ya later!
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: drinks
date: Tue Feb 8 14:39:55 2000
> Chick Drinks
>
> Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's
> personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they
> concurred on almost all counts.
>
> The results:
>
> Drink: Beer
> Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
> Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
>
> Drink: Blender Drinks
> Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
> Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
>
> Drink: Mixed Drinks
> Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
> Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.
>
> Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
> Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
> Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more
> years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.
>
> Drink: White Zin
> Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no
>
> clue.
> Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...
>
> Drink: Shots
> Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and
> naked.
> Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
>
>
> Then there is the male addendum .... The deal with guys is, as always,
> very simple and clear cut:
>
> Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
>
> Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
>
> Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image
> to help him get laid.
>
> Whiskey: He doesn't give two shits about anything but getting laid.
>
> Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something.
>
> White Zin: He's gay.
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Hehehehehe
date: Wed Feb 9 11:55:13 2000
http://www.kar.elf.stuba.sk/~choma/fun.html
------------------------------
poster: Nyx
subject: Not really a joke, but funny
date: Fri Feb 11 14:11:03 2000
www.hamsterdance.com
Cute as snot I tell you.
Nyx
------------------------------
poster: Kazulanth
subject: The Invincible Button
date: Sun Feb 13 08:57:39 2000
http://www.pixelscapes.com/spatulacity/button.htm
--Kaz
------------------------------
poster: Bond
subject: Men
date: Tue Feb 15 05:14:05 2000
WHY MEN ARE (JUSTIFIABLY) PROUD OF THEMSELVES1. We know stuff about tanks
2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase3. We can open all our own jars
4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group
5. We don't have to learn to spell a new last name
6. We can leave a motel bed unmade7. We can kill our own food
8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
9. Wedding plans take care of themselves
10. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be
our friend
11. Underwear is $10 a three-pack12. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices
13. Everything on our faces stays the original color
14. Three pair of shoes are more than enough
15. We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming
16. Car mechanics tell us the truth
17. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without
thinking, "He must be mad at me."18. Same work -- more pay
19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character
20. We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift
21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit, you just
might become lifelong friends
22. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
23. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors
24. We almost never have a "strap problem" in public
25. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes
26. The same hairstyle lasts for years -- maybe decades
27. We don't have to shave below the neck
28. A few belches are expected and tolerated
29. Our belly usually hides our big hips
30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons
31. We can do our nails with a pocketknife
32. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache
33. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on
the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes
// J.B
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: The End Of The Internet
date: Tue Feb 15 10:53:55 2000
http://www.opaldata.com/the_end/index.html
------------------------------
poster: Basketball
subject: the Magic Dildo
date: Tue Feb 15 14:28:35 2000
A man and his wife go for a vacation.
Unfortunately the man has a lot of meetings to attend.
In hopes his wife will have fun, he goes to buy her a dildo.
He walks in and all the dildo's are $10 each, with the exception of 1.
He asks the store Manager, "Why does this one cost so much?"
He replies, "Watch."
"Magic Dildo, Out." and the dildo pops out.
He says, "Magic Dildo, doorknob." So the Dildo goes to the doorknob
and starts goin at it.
Then the clerk says, "Magic Dildo floor." and it starts on the floor!
The man is just astonished. He buys it and the clerk tells him, "To
make it stop, just say `Magic Dildo, Stop`"
He goes home, shows his wife.
He says, "Magic Dildo, couch."
His wife is amazed. He says, "Magic Dildo, my wife." and it obeys.
He has to leave and so he tells her how to shut it off.
Unfortunately, she's having such a good time, she never hears.
Eventually, she has to go to the store. She never knew how to turn
it off so she just goes with it on.
Soon after starting out, she is stopped by a police officer.
"Why were you swerving on the road ma'am?"
She replies, "It's this Magic Dildo, Sir."
He says, "Magic Dildo my ass!"
------------------------------
poster: Smee
subject: >the Magic Dildo
date: Tue Feb 15 14:29:15 2000
On Tue Feb 15 14:28:35 2000 Basketball wrote post #75:
> A man and his wife go for a vacation.
> Unfortunately the man has a lot of meetings to attend.
> In hopes his wife will have fun, he goes to buy her a dildo.
> He walks in and all the dildo's are $10 each, with the exception of 1.
> He asks the store Manager, "Why does this one cost so much?"
> He replies, "Watch."
> "Magic Dildo, Out." and the dildo pops out.
> He says, "Magic Dildo, doorknob." So the Dildo goes to the doorknob
> and starts goin at it.
> Then the clerk says, "Magic Dildo floor." and it starts on the floor!
> The man is just astonished. He buys it and the clerk tells him, "To
> make it stop, just say `Magic Dildo, Stop`"
> He goes home, shows his wife.
> He says, "Magic Dildo, couch."
> His wife is amazed. He says, "Magic Dildo, my wife." and it obeys.
> He has to leave and so he tells her how to shut it off.
> Unfortunately, she's having such a good time, she never hears.
>
> Eventually, she has to go to the store. She never knew how to turn
> it off so she just goes with it on.
> Soon after starting out, she is stopped by a police officer.
> "Why were you swerving on the road ma'am?"
> She replies, "It's this Magic Dildo, Sir."
> He says, "Magic Dildo my ass!"
I believe its commonly told as "Voodoo Dick."
Smee
------------------------------
poster: Fizgig
subject: >>the Magic Dildo
date: Tue Feb 15 15:06:59 2000
On Tue Feb 15 14:29:15 2000 Smee wrote post #76:
> On Tue Feb 15 14:28:35 2000 Basketball wrote post #75:
> > A man and his wife go for a vacation.
> > Unfortunately the man has a lot of meetings to attend.
> > In hopes his wife will have fun, he goes to buy her a dildo.
> > He walks in and all the dildo's are $10 each, with the exception of 1.
> > He asks the store Manager, "Why does this one cost so much?"
> > He replies, "Watch."
> > "Magic Dildo, Out." and the dildo pops out.
> > He says, "Magic Dildo, doorknob." So the Dildo goes to the doorknob
> > and starts goin at it.
> > Then the clerk says, "Magic Dildo floor." and it starts on the floor!
> > The man is just astonished. He buys it and the clerk tells him, "To
> > make it stop, just say `Magic Dildo, Stop`"
> > He goes home, shows his wife.
> > He says, "Magic Dildo, couch."
> > His wife is amazed. He says, "Magic Dildo, my wife." and it obeys.
> > He has to leave and so he tells her how to shut it off.
> > Unfortunately, she's having such a good time, she never hears.
> >
> > Eventually, she has to go to the store. She never knew how to turn
> > it off so she just goes with it on.
> > Soon after starting out, she is stopped by a police officer.
> > "Why were you swerving on the road ma'am?"
> > She replies, "It's this Magic Dildo, Sir."
> > He says, "Magic Dildo my ass!"
> I believe its commonly told as "Voodoo Dick."
> Smee
Maybe it's just me.. or maybe it's just Hawaii... But I've heard it
commonly told as the "green little fucker man"
You people need some imagination ;)
-Fiz
------------------------------
poster: Racklanim
subject: >>>the Magic Dildo
date: Tue Feb 15 18:30:59 2000
little green fuckerman fiz, haven't me and qwerty/korthru/whatever
told you that enough?
------------------------------
poster: Golte
subject: collector
date: Wed Feb 16 17:18:20 2000
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from
all the private businesses that they were "protecting." Feeling the
heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for
this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to
communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000.
He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe
place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and
sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is.
The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags
the guy to an interpreter.
The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf
collector. "Now ask him where the money is!"
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know
what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to
pull the trigger."
------------------------------
poster: Golte
subject: day after
date: Wed Feb 16 17:34:20 2000
A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't
remember anything he did last night. He picks up his dressing gown
from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one
of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks to himself,
"Uh oh. What happened last night?"
He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket
of his gown. Again he thinks, "What happened last night. What have I
done? It must have been a wild party," making his best attempt to
conclude and accept the evidence.
He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror.
He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only
thought is, "If there's a God, please let this be a tea bag."
------------------------------
poster: Darkstaff
subject: burp
date: Wed Feb 16 23:34:07 2000
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in
court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young
men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want
you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and
get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How
did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...* o
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this
(small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?"(to the 2ndboy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) o O
I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole beforeprison..."
-Darl
------------------------------
poster: Darkstaff
subject: cigarrests
date: Wed Feb 16 23:42:41 2000
Two old ladies are having a smoke outside their nursing home, when it starts
to rain. Lady #2 pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her
cigarette.Lady #1: What's that?Lady #2: A condom.Lady #1: What's it for?
Lady #2: Keeps my cigarette dry.Lady #1: Where'd you get it?
Lady #2: At the drugstore.
The next day, Lady #1 hobbles to the drugstore and announces to the
pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. He looks at her kind of
strangely (she is in her 80's, after all), but politely asks her what brand
she wants."Doesn't matter," she says, "as long as it fits a Camel."
DARK
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: Rev Falwell
date: Thu Feb 17 01:53:37 2000
> "Falwell's New Crusade" -
>
> The Reverend Jerry Falwell recently claimed that Tinky Winky, from
> the Teletubbies children's television show, was "clearly a fount of
> gayness." His reasoning is because the character is purple (a "gay"
> color), has an antenna in a triangle shape (a "gay" symbol), and he
> carries a purse. However, as I see it, Falwell's work is far from
> over.
>
> FRED FLINTSTONE
>
> Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock Bowling Team is "Twinkle-Toes,"
> the show's theme song ends with the phrase, "We'll have a gay old
> time," he wears a little orange dress with triangles on it, and he
> hangs out with Barney more than Wilma.
>
> BUGS BUNNY
>
> Evidence: He often stands with his hand on his hip, he played a
> hairdresser in one episode, he frequently dresses in drag, and he
> loves to throw on a top hat and tails while belting out Broadway show
> tunes with his buddy Daffy, who, it's worth noting, speaks with an
> obvious lisp.
>
> VELMA (of Scooby Doo)
>
> Evidence: She always tries to sit next to Daphne in the van, she
> sports an obvious butch haircut, she has broad shoulders, she is
> always wearing a thick turtleneck sweater and knee socks, and she
> never once attempted to shag Shaggy.
>
> POPEYE
>
> Evidence: He eats lots of salads, wears a sailor suit even though he
> hasn't been on a ship in years, frequently does little sailor dances,
> dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl, and his best
> friend is named Wimpy.
>
> BATMAN & ROBIN
>
> Evidence: Robin's nickname is "Boy Wonder," Batman's real name
> is "Bruce," they both wear tights, and they both in great shape.
>
> PEPPERMINT PATTY
>
> Evidence: She has a deep, gravelly voice, she always wears pants and
> not dresses like all the rest of the Peanuts girls, she plays a mean
> game of football, she is always hanging out with the very androgynous
> Marcie, she always wears comfortable shoes, and her nickname is "Sir."
>
> PINK PANTHER:
>
> Enough said.
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: Bad News
date: Fri Feb 18 17:55:49 2000
A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting
a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look
on their face -- some even look a little frightened -- and
Clinton isn't in the room.
"What's the matter" he asked
"Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse
news"
"What's the bad news?"
"India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground
test site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area;
and China is warning them both that this could lead to regional
war -- that may go nuclear."
"Oh my God, what could be worse than that?"
"Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra"
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: Expectant Fathers
date: Fri Feb 18 17:59:33 2000
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room,
while their wives were in labour.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations
sir, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work
for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man,
"You, sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work
for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this
one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the
nurse came back. This time, she turned to the 3rd man, who had been
quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to
quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.
"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I
work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who
had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side
and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?"
"Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k. now... - I just had a shocking thought
as i work in the 7-11!"
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: And you fear Aussies...
date: Fri Feb 18 19:34:10 2000
With the 70,000 jobs for the Olympics coming up, how apt that
someone should show me a list of letters sent to the Australian
Immigration Office from around the world.
I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true and if
so, can you send me pictures of the available ones? (Italy)
I want to go swimming at Bondi Beach on October 20th. Will I turn
blue?(Germany)
Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on
TV, So how do the plants grow? (UK)
Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth-
to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?
(Sweden)
Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to
contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will
you let her in? (South Africa)
Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in
Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)
Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)
Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors(Italy)
Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA)
Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available on all year round?
(Germany)
Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
What is the meaning of the word "root" in Australia? (USA)
Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
------------------------------
poster: Apathy
subject: Must be something in the water.
date: Sun Feb 20 12:10:36 2000
The pillars of the community probably aren't too happy about it, but
Pleasanton, California is on its way to becoming the
tripper-obsessed high schooler capital of the world. Last year the
town made international news when a local mother hired a stripper
for her teen daughter's party. This year, high school students on a
ski trip raised the ante and hired two strippers: a male for the
girls and a female for the boys. A chaperone caught the male
stripper in the girl's cabin and kicked him out, but he dutifully
snuck back in to complete the show. The local police spokesperson
says no laws were broken this time around since there was no
touching involved.
------------------------------
poster: Apathy
subject: I wanna be an astronaut when I grow up!
date: Tue Feb 22 13:47:53 2000
http://www.abc.net.au/news/newslink/weekly/newsnat-22feb2000-70.htm
------------------------------
poster: Apathy
subject: The Thai Aphrodisiac
date: Fri Feb 25 15:26:53 2000
http://dailynews.yahoo.com/h/ap/20000224/hl/thailand_aphrodisiac_1.html
------------------------------
poster: Apathy
subject: Experience California
date: Fri Feb 25 21:33:43 2000
http://dark.x.dtu.dk/~apathy/California11.htm
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Furious George
date: Sat Feb 26 16:42:39 2000
http://www.snowplow.org/cgi-bin/george.pl
------------------------------
poster: Kalma
subject: Jokes about Men ;)
date: Sat Feb 26 18:41:26 2000
How do you scare a man?
- Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very
moment for their call. Who are these women?
- Women working at 900 numbers.
Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome,
a good lover and a stimulating partner?
- In the pages of a romance novel.
What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
- Exchange him.
Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many
men?
- No phone numbers.
Why do men like smart women?
- Opposites attract.
-K
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: For real....
date: Sun Feb 27 10:45:22 2000
http://www.roadsideamerica.com/attract/MDNEWmum.html
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Heh heh heh
date: Tue Feb 29 11:58:32 2000
Being blond, I don't normally tell these, but this is just tooooo funny
What goes vroom-screech-vroom-screech', etc?
A Blond at a flashing red light
Hehehehehe
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Dead Horse
date: Sat Mar 4 21:10:04 2000
> Circulating in a government department, but of general application:-
>
> Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead
> horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in government or other
> large organisations, we often try other strategies with dead horses,
> including the following:-
>
> - buying a stronger whip
> - changing riders
> - saying things like "this is the way we have always ridden this horse"
> - appointing a committee to study the horse
> - arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses
> - inviting competitive bids to join in a multi-agency partnership to
> revive the dead horse
> - devising a training programme to improve our riding ability
> - examining the state of dead horses in today's environment through a
> focus group of dead and dying horses
> - passing legislation decalring that "this horse is not dead"
> - blaming the horses parents
> - harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed
> - declaring that "no horse is too dead to beat"
> - providing additional funding to enhance the horse's performance
> - carrying out a cost/benefit analysis to see inf contractors could ride
> the horse more cheaply
> - procuring a dead horse from the contractor
> - declaring that the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead
> - forming a quality circle to find uses for dead horses
> - revisting the performance management indicators of dead horses
> - saying this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable
> - placing responsibility on the horse to find alternative transport for
> the rider
> - promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position
------------------------------
poster: Uncle
subject: EXTRA
date: Sat Mar 4 21:11:37 2000
Boy on street corner in New York: Extra! Extra! Read all about it!
Three men
swindled!
Man comes up and buys a paper.
Boy continuing down street: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Four men
swindled!
"Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say"
"Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers"
"After Detour To California, Shuttle Returns To Earth"
"Fried Chicken Cooked In Microwave Wins Trip"
"Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space Shuttle"
"Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter"
"War Dims Hope for Peace"
"Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge"
"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge"
"Woman Improving After Fatal Crash"
"Study Reveals Those Without Insurance Die More Often"
"Lawyer Says Client Is Not 'That' Guilty"
"If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While"
"Kids Make Nutritious Snacks"
"Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty"
"Hospital Sued by 7 Foot Doctors"
"Burglar Steals Clock, Faces Time"
"Burglar found in Stolen Violin Case"
Boy on street corner in New York: Extra! Extra! Read all about it!
Three men
swindled!
Man comes up and buys a paper.
Boy continuing down street: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Four men
swindled!
"Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say"
"Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers"
"After Detour To California, Shuttle Returns To Earth"
"Fried Chicken Cooked In Microwave Wins Trip"
"Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space Shuttle"
"Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter"
"War Dims Hope for Peace"
"Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge"
"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge"
"Woman Improving After Fatal Crash"
"Study Reveals Those Without Insurance Die More Often"
"Lawyer Says Client Is Not 'That' Guilty"
"If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While"
"Kids Make Nutritious Snacks"
"Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty"
"Hospital Sued by 7 Foot Doctors"
"Burglar Steals Clock, Faces Time"
"Burglar found in Stolen Violin Case"
------------------------------
poster: Kazulanth
subject: Today's Sign the World is Ending
date: Sat Mar 4 22:00:46 2000
Graying potheads may want to think twice before lighting up a joint.
New research from Harvard shows that the risk of having a heart attack
is five times higher an hour after smoking marijuana.
The increased risk is nowhere near what is seen with other drugs --
like the 25-fold spike in heart attack risk from cocaine -- and may not
even be as dangerous as taking a jog might be for a sedentary person.
But Dr. Murray Mittleman, a professor at Harvard Medical School and
the director of cardiac epidemiology at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical
Center in Boston, says, "The risk is there. It's real." He and his fellow
researchers estimate pot is about twice as dangerous for some as sex or a
heated argument.
(What I want to know is how they researched the odds of this.
Especially compared to sex and an argument. Did they go home and
shout at their spouses and see how often they fell over dead?)
--Kaz
------------------------------
poster: Warchief
subject: Random2
date: Sun Mar 5 12:56:38 2000
You say: "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my ass, lick me silly and
call me COM boy. Ive been astute in my bed!'
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Hehehehehe
date: Sun Mar 5 23:49:12 2000
I'm working on an essay for my Canadian Litreature class, and I was
picking through it for spelling errors...and I found this one, I
just thought it was funny:
Here she smees to be defending the male chaotic by the “workings of
the male artist - spider poets” (York 78).
goes to show you what's on my mind ;)
Javi
------------------------------
poster: Smee
subject: >Hehehehehe
date: Mon Mar 6 12:40:42 2000
On Sun Mar 5 23:49:12 2000 Javier wrote post #101:
> I'm working on an essay for my Canadian Litreature class, and I was
> picking through it for spelling errors...and I found this one, I
> just thought it was funny:
>
>
> Here she smees to be defending the male chaotic by the “workings of
> the male artist - spider poets” (York 78).
>
>
> goes to show you what's on my mind ;)
> Javi
Muah.
Smee.
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Zipper
date: Tue Mar 7 10:19:25 2000
When the bus arrived at its stop, the gorgeous woman at the head of
the line tried to climb aboard but couldn't because of her tight-
fitting clothes. Thinking quickly, she reached back and undid her
zipper a little to allow more movement. Still, her outfit was too
snug, so she lowered her zipper again. Unable to climb aboard, she
adjusted it a third time, but again it wasn't enough to allow her to
step up.
Tired of waiting, the man behind her gently grabbed her around the
waist and hoisted her onto the bus.
"Who do you think you are to touch me in that way?" the woman asked
him angrily.
"Well, ma'am," the man replied, "after you undid my fly, I thought we
were pretty good friends."
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Aussie in a Confession Booth
date: Tue Mar 7 10:20:34 2000
A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat down in a
confession box, saying nothing.
The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the
man said nothing.
The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to
get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knockin', mate, there's no paper
in this one either."
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Cowgirls
date: Tue Mar 7 10:21:22 2000
Why do Cowgirls walk bow-legged?
Because their boyfriends eat with their hats on.
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Warning!!!
date: Fri Mar 10 12:30:49 2000
Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers
have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
wanker.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head
in.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like
thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-
lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your trousers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
Kung Fu powers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary (whose name and/or species you
can't remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, more attractive, and smarter than some really, really big
guy named Franz.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing with you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space
continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem
to literally disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: I KNEW IT!!!
date: Fri Mar 10 12:32:04 2000
A jewish man is worried that his son is going to convert to Christianity, so
he sends him to the Holy Land to get in touch with this faith.
A few months later the man's son comes back and says with great enthusiasm,
"Guess what Dad, I just converted to Christianity!"
The Jewish man is of course crushed and goes to his rabbi for advice. The
man tells his Rabbi the story and the Rabbi says sympathetically, "funny you
should come to me! The exact same thing happened to me! I was worried about
my sons faith, so
I sent him to the Holy Land and he came back Christian!"
The Rabbi suggests that the two men pray for their sons. While in prayer,
God says to them, "Hmmm..., Funny you should come to me..."
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Muahahahahaha
date: Sat Mar 11 00:38:11 2000
The inevitable....
www.standonguard.com
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: Discipline
date: Sat Mar 11 02:18:27 2000
Mom was cleaning the house when she found her son's
hidden stash of S&M and sexual bondage magazines.
Naturally, she was very upset and she didn't know
what to do. So, she waited until her husband got
home to discuss it with him.
After she showed him the magazines, she asked him,
"Well, what are you going to do about it?"
"I don't know what to do." he told her. "I really
don't think I should give him a spanking for this!"
Mix,
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: Priest and the Rabbi
date: Sat Mar 11 21:58:58 2000
A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane. After a
while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks "Is it
still a requirement of your faith that you not eat
pork?"
The Rabbi responds "Yes that is still one of our beliefs."
The Priest then asks "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the Rabbi replies "Yes on one occasion I did
succumb to temptation and tasted pork."
The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his
reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the
Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church
that you remain celibate?"
The Priest replied "Yes, that is still very much a part of
our faith."
The Rabbi then asked him "Father, have you ever fallen to
the temptations of the flesh?"
The Priest replied "Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak
and broke with my faith."
The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said,
"A lot better than pork isn't it?"
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Shower like a...
date: Sun Mar 12 12:33:52 2000
Shower Like a WOMAN
Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning because
there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below
73ºF.
Carefully fold each item, and place in clothes hamper.
Walk to bathroom. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any
exposed flesh immediately.
Look at your womanly figure in the mirror, and stick out your gut so that
you can complain and whine even more about how you¹re getting fat.
Position the shower nozzle pointing away from you, and turn on the water.
Get into the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.
Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and
pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with Cucumber & Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again with Cucumber & Lamfrey Shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash your hair once again (just to make sure) with Cucumber & Lamfrey
Shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition your hair with Cucumber & Lamfrey Conditioner enhanced with
natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Watch falling hair accumulate around drain strainer, and fret.
Wash your face with Crushed Apricot Facial Scrub until red.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut & Jaffa Cake Body Wash.
Complain bitterly when you realize your husband has once again been eating
your Ginger Nut & Jaffa Cake Body Wash.
Rinse Conditioner of hair, a process which should take at least 15 minutes,
as you must be sure it all comes off.
Shave armpits, and evaluate whether there is enough time and hot water left
to do legs.
Slick hair back, and pretend you¹re like Bo Derek in 10.
Use Pumice Stone to soften rough spots on feet.
Use Massage Mitt to reduce cellulite on thighs.
Use nail brush to clean toenails.
Scream loudly (high F# is an especially effective note to reach for) when
your husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of scalding water.
Cover your entire body with baby oil.
Turn hot water on full, and rinse off, making shower dangerously slippery
for your husband.
Pat yourself dry, then rub briskly all over with a towel the size of a small
African country.
Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot, or new hair in an
uncommon place.
Apply Body Lotion from the neck down. Moisturize, Moisturize, Moisturize!
Return to bedroom wearing your long dressing gown and towel on head,
covering up suddenly if you see your husband.
Blow dry hair using an appliance powerful enough to lift dorothy¹s whole
farm out of Kansas, and deposit it somewhere in the Ukraine.
+
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+
Shower Like a MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed, and leave them in a
pile on the floor.
Walk to bathroom, wearing only a towel. If you see your wife along the way,
flash her.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror, and suck in your gut to see if
you have pecs.
Turn on water, getting jet blast of it in the ear.
Check for pecs again.
Get into shower.
Don¹t bother to look for washcloth, as you never use one.
Wash face (optional).
Wash groin area.
Wash your butt.
Whistle a few bars(!) of the Irish Spring song.
Wash armpits (optional)
Cough up anything that might be lodged in the back of your throat, and hork
it as near the drain as is convenient.
Wash hair with the blue bar of deodorant soap. Conditioner is for sissies.
Make shampoo Mohawk.
Open shower door and look at yourself in mirror. Check for pecs again.
Sample your wife¹s Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake Body Wash bar.
Pee.
Honk both nostrils clear, aiming, more or less for the drain. Wipe hands on
chest.
Rinse, and exit shower.
Return to bedroom, wearing only a towel. If your wife sees you, flash her.
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: A guy walks in to a bar...!!!!
date: Sun Mar 12 12:37:07 2000
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks.
One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them
on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.
The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask
people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he
doesn't mention the ducks.
They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks
has to go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the bar. The
bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward
silence. The bartender decides to try to make some
conversation.
"What's your name?" He says to the first duck.
"Huey" said the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all
day."
"Oh. That's nice," says the bartender.
Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey" came the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all
day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same
again."
So the bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you
must be Louie."
"No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't
ask about my fucking day."
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Ahhaha!
date: Sun Mar 12 12:38:16 2000
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship
with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a
collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a
collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP
IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU
CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES
NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS
SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: Beer, Icecream and Pizza diet
date: Sun Mar 12 16:16:38 2000
A little science is a dangerous thing.....
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree
Celsius.
Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold
dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural
processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during
the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only
available source, your body fat.
For example, a dessert served and eaten near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg.F)
will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37
degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process
takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert
portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic
law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted
from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalised.
Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie
loss is approximately 5,000 calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert
you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if
that is your goal.
This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted
glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts
1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature
normalising process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is
1,020 calories.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories
(12oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of
drinking a can of beer.
Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it
takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an
additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The
results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.
Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza
(loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces
an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have
already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with
pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.
We should all be thin very soon if we adhere religiously to this pizza,
beer, and ice cream diet.
Happy eating,.
------------------------------
poster: Marvin
subject: >Beer, Icecream and Pizza diet
date: Sun Mar 12 18:45:55 2000
Wouldn't that be great? If it weren't that 1 Cal of food == 1000 cal of heat
So you only break even eatting cold celery. =P
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Toys!
date: Mon Mar 13 15:32:56 2000
http://www.goblertoys.com/pages/goblertoys.html
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: Raffle
date: Tue Mar 14 02:11:36 2000
One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices
she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did
you get that necklace?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready
while I start supper."
The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond
bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready
while I start supper."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work
wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a
raffle at work?"
She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath
ready while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices
there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her
husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub!"
He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet!"
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: Pens
date: Tue Mar 14 02:12:21 2000
Why is there never a working ballpoint pen attached to those
chains you see hanging around banks?
Once imprisoned, the ballpoint pen soon loses the will to
write. Even if released, it develops a deep-seated pattern of
skipping and blotching that will soon send it back to the
chain gang. Repeat offender ballpoint pens are sent to the
post office, where they become federal pens. If not watched
carefully, these pens will hang themselves from the writing
desks. To prevent this, postal workers are particularly
attentive, which is why they so often seem to be standing
around staring at the pens. To avoid contributing to this
destructive and unwholesome situation, I use a
high-resolution dot-matrix printer when I write, and I
recommend you do the same.
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Beer Drinking Bet...
date: Tue Mar 14 14:14:41 2000
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his
voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you
Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500
American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10
pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet
and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same
gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on
the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10
pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into
all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya
don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30
minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down
the street to see if I could do it first".
- Ant dares anyone to drink 3 cups of tea back to back!!!
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: You know You're Italian When...
date: Thu Mar 16 14:31:58 2000
> You Know You're Italian When...
> 1. You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and you
> still cry when your Mother yells at you.
>
> 2. Your Father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank and still drives
> a '76 Monte Carlo.
>
> 3. You share a bathroom with your 5 Brothers, have no money and drive a
> $45,000 Camaro or Firebird.
>
> 4. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are
> all blood relatives.
>
> 5. You consider dunking a cannoli in an espresso, a nutritious breakfast.
>
> 6. Your 2 best friends are your cousin and your brother-in-law's
> brother-in-law.
>
> 7. You are a card-carrying V.I.P at more than 3 strip clubs.
>
> 8. Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by
> wearing your, "Just do me" tank top to the beach.
>
> 9. At least 5 of your Cousins live on your street.
>
> 10. All 5 of those Cousins are named after your Grandfather.
>
> 11. A high school diploma and 1 year of Nassau Community College, has
> earned you the title of, "Professor" among your Aunts.
>
> 12. You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
>
> 13. If someone in your family grows beyond 5'6", it is presumed his Mother
> had an affair.
>
> 14. There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.
>
> 15. You netted more than $50,000, on your first Communion.
>
> 16. At some point in your life, you were a D.J.
>
> 17. 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say, "Pronto" when
> answering the phone.
>
> 18. You have ever been in a fight defending Sly Stallone's thespian
> greatness.
>
> 19. Somewhere on your parents' property, there is a bathtub Madonna.
>
> 20. You build your house with 3 materials... brick, brick and wrought
> iron.
>
> 21. You have at least one Sister that went to Beauty School.
>
> 22. Clothes from the Chess King will actually fit you.
>
> 23. It is impossible for you to talk with your hands in your pockets.
>
> 24. Have been to a funeral where talk of the deceased is, "He shoulda kept
> his big yap shut."
>
>
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Flight Attendant
date: Thu Mar 16 14:35:22 2000
<< For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this
one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers
we all love!
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger
who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a
long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger
pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter
and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that
the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone.
"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing
throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES
NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please
come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared
at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F*** you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have
to stand in line for that, too."
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: email
date: Fri Mar 17 01:56:34 2000
This isn't actually a joke but a real email I got...
But I thought it was worth posting!
UNIVERSITY DIPLOMAS
Obtain a prosperous future, money earning power,
and the admiration of all.
Diplomas from prestigious non-accredited
universities based on your present knowledge
and life experience.
No required tests, classes, books, or interviews.
Bachelors, masters, MBA, and doctorate (PhD)
diplomas available in the field of your choice.
No one is turned down.
Confidentiality assured.
CALL NOW to receive your diploma
within days!!!
1-212-465-3248
Call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, including
Sundays and holidays.
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: If AOL made cars...
date: Fri Mar 17 15:16:05 2000
If AOL built cars:
1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH
speedometer.
2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape
player.
3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect
this and try again later.
4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver
from seeing better cars.
5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the
NEW model.
6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up"
for no apparent reason.
7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a
pretty colors and lights.
8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats
for family members.
9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make
payments for 6 months.
10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the
car off of them.
11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls
to other AOL car cell phones.
12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving
near other car dealerships.
13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL
cars stall just for fun.
15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave
worse mileage.
17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder,
M/F/age?
18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry
another AOL car owner.
19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they
really are.
20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no
other cars have them.
21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Musician Jokes
date: Sat Mar 18 16:29:46 2000
Q:What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
>A drummer.
>
>Q: Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
>A: So they can park in the handicapped spot.
>
>Q: What's the last thing a drummer says before getting fired?
>A: ''Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ...''
>
>Q:What's the difference between musicians and government bonds?
>A:Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
>
>Johnny says to his mom: I want to be a drummer when I grow up!
>Mom: But Johnny, you can't do both.
>
>Q: What do you call a musician that breaks up with his
girlfriend?
>A: Homeless.
>
>Q: What's the difference between a guitarist and God?
>A:God doesn't think he's a guitarist.
>
>Q:What does a singer do when he wakes up in the morning?
>A: Puts on his clothes and goes home.
>
>How can you get a musician's car to go faster?
>Take the dominoes pizza sign off the roof.
>
>How do you get a musician off your porch?
>Pay for the pizza.
>
>How many fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
>10,001. 1 to change the bulb & 10,000 to follow it
around till it burns
out.
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: More Musician Jokes...
date: Sat Mar 18 16:30:44 2000
>A man is standing on a street corner with a sign saying, ''Tell me your IQ
>and I'll guess your profession.'' A guy walks up, and
says ''My IQ is 147.''
>''You're a nuclear physicist, eh?'' ''That's right'',
says the guy, and walks
> off. A second guy walks up and says,''My IQ is 189.''
''Wow'', says the
>man. ''Brain surgeon, eh?'' ''Right you are''. A third
guy walks up and says,
>''My IQ is 62.'' The man asks,
> ''Really? What kind of sticks do you use?''
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: And Yet More Musician Jokes
date: Sat Mar 18 16:32:32 2000
>A musician dies and goes to Heaven.
>St. Peter says, So...you're a musician. Well we've got a pretty
>good band up here ourselves. The musician is rushed to a place
> where a band is playing. On guitar is Jimi Hendrix, on bass,
>Jaco Pastorius, drums, Buddy Rich, Dizzy Gillespie is
>on the trumpet,& Charlie Parker on sax.The musician says,
>Wow...this is great! St. Peter says, There's just one
problem.....
>God's got a girlfriend he thinks can sing.
>
>At a convention of scientists one researcher remarks,
>''Did you know that in our lab we have switched from
mice to musicians
>for our experiments?'' ''Really,Why?'' the other
replied, ''Well,we
>found that musicians are far more plentiful, the lab assistants
>don't get so attached to them, and there are some things even a
>rat won't do.
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Last one...
date: Sat Mar 18 16:33:26 2000
>The Pope and a musician find themselves before the Pearly Gates. After
>passing out their wings, the angel flies them to their
lodgings. He takes
>them to a huge estate with lavish trappings. This is
where the musician
will
>be spending eternity. The Pope thinks to himself,
>''If he's getting a place like this, I can't wait to
see what I get!'' The
>angel and the Pope take flight once more, ending up on
a mundane street
lined
>with brick row houses. The Pope is shown to the third
walkup on the left,
and
>the angel turns to leave. ''Wait a minute!'' cries the
Pope ''What's the deal
>here? You put that musician in a beautiful estate and
I, a spiritual leader
>end up with this dive!'' The angel replies, ''Look
here, this street is full
of
>spiritual leaders.You guys are a dime a dozen. The
other guy got the
mansion
>because he's the first musician to ever make it up here!''
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Heheheheheh
date: Tue Mar 21 19:57:05 2000
Hours of endless viewing:
www.sfdt.com
------------------------------
poster: Nyx
subject: Ripoff
date: Tue Mar 21 20:06:20 2000
That last site is a rip off of www.stickdeath.com Though they are both amusing
Nyx
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: Chicken
date: Wed Mar 22 05:24:15 2000
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at
the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all
travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the
windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and
a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the
engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed
into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through
the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and
embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a
bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for
suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo:
"Thaw the chicken."
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: How True...
date: Sat Mar 25 02:43:22 2000
GOOD:
Policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting
many. Then, he discovered the problem -a 10-year old boy was
standing up the road with a
hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a
sign reading "TIPS" and a
bucket full of change.
BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar. A $40
speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police
department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she
said, "I bet you are going to
sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied,
"Highway patrolmen don't
have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and
he realized what he'd just
said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Cat Diary
date: Sat Mar 25 12:37:32 2000
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat
dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape,
and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of
furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the
top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite
chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep
depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to
strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about
what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it
included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds
could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb
still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I
was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the
noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer."
More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power
of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my
advantage....
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
returnee. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has
got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue
(something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am
certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the
metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter
of time.
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: A moral question...
date: Mon Mar 27 15:23:04 2000
A Moral Question
I have a moral question for you. This is an imaginary situation,
but think it is fun to decide what one would do.
The situation: You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood
in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies
compromised, and infrastructure destroyed.
Let's say you're a photographer out getting still photos for a
news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant
scenes.
If you were to stumble across Bill Clinton struggling to keep
from being swept away in a raging river and you had a choice of
rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of
the President being swept away...........
What shutter speed would you use?
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Recycling...
date: Mon Mar 27 15:24:32 2000
An International Recycling Program
An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants,
bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down
next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who,
nevertheless, starts a conversation.
French man: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
French: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we
only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the
states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The American
listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we
put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle
them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used
them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to
France."
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Duh
date: Tue Mar 28 07:20:18 2000
> > >>The Human Race is Doomed (through sheer stupidity)!
> > >>Here are some perfect examples on how your intelligence is being
> >questioned
> > >>by some Manufacturers. The following are some actual label
instructions
> >on
> > >>consumer goods:
> > >>
> > >>a.. On a Sears hair dryer:
> > >>Do not use while sleeping.
> > >>(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
> > >>
> > >>b.. On a bag of Fritos:
> > >>You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
> > >> (The shoplifter special!)
> > >>
> > >>c.. On a bar of Dial soap:
> > >> Directions: Use like regular soap.
> > >>(and that would be... how??)
> > >>
> > >>d.. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
> > >> Serving suggestion: Defrost.
> > >> (But it's "just" a suggestion!)
> > >>
> > >>e.. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
> > >>Fits one head.
> > >> (Duhhh!!! Which one?)
> > >>
> > >>f.. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
> > >>Do not turn upside down. (printed on the bottom of the box)
> > >>(Too late! You lose!)
> > >>
> > >>g.. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
> > >>Product will be hot after heating.
> > >>(Are you sure???)
> > >>
> > >>h.. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
> > >> Do not iron clothes on body.
> > >>(But... wouldn't that save more time???)
> > >>
> > >>i.. On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
> > >>Do not drive car or operate machinery.
> > >>(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
> >just
> > >>kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts!)
> > >>
> > >>j.. On Nytol sleep aid:
> > >>Warning: may cause drowsiness.
> > >>(One would hope!)
> > >>
> > >>k.. On a Korean kitchen knife:
> > >>Warning: keep out of children.
> > >>(...Or pets! What's for dinner?)
> > >>
> > >>l.. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
> > >>For indoor or outdoor use only.
> > >>(As opposed to outer space or underground)
> > >>
> > >>m.. On a Japanese food processor:
> > >>Not to be used for the other use.
> > >>(Hmmmm, now I'm curious... !!!)
> > >>
> > >>n.. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
> > >>Warning: contains nuts.
> > >>(no comment)
> > >>
> > >>o.. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
> > >>Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
> > >>(what is going on here?)
> > >>
> > >>p.. On a Swedish chainsaw:
> > >>Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
> > >>(as if you try to stop *anything* with your genitals...:) )
> > >>
> > >>q.. On a child's superman costume:
> > >>Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
> > >>(Way to destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
> > >>
> > >>r.. On a toothbrush given at the Dentist:
> > >>"Use Fuzzy End"
> > >>(I kid you not... this one says it all!)
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: Adam & Eve
date: Wed Mar 29 02:32:10 2000
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam
stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're
running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on
earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened
by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: Psychiatric Hotline
date: Wed Mar 29 02:32:59 2000
Welcome to the psychiatric hotline.
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask some one to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you want,
just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press.... no one will answer anyways.
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Bar Translations
date: Wed Mar 29 11:50:34 2000
Bar Translations
1. "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.
2. "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU."
(Happy hour is about to end...beers are now a dollar, but by the next
round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)
3. "HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?"
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your
attractive friend into a compromising position.)
4. "WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?"
(What's cheap?)
5. "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF HOUSE WHITE."(FEMALE)
(I'm easy.)
6. "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF HOUSE WHITE (MALE)
I'm gay.)
7. "I'LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN." (FEMALE)
(I'm really easy.)
8. "I'LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN." (MALE)
(I'm really gay.)
9. "DO YOU HAVE ANY SAMBUCA?"
(I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in
the morning.)
10. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick
you.)
11. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (FEMALE TO MALE)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, can you imagine what I'lldo to
you in bed?)
12. "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?"(FEMALE)
(I am really annoying, but cute enough to get away withthis.)
13. "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (MALE)
(It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking 1/2 hour ago. Hell I
probably spent half my paycheck in here last night, it is the least
you can do
for me.)
14. "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (FEMALE)
(You're paying more attention to your friends than to me.)
15. I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (MALE)
(I'm horny.)
16. "WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am anexpert at
diverting attention.)
17. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE)
(Get the hell out of the way.)
18. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.)
19. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of my way.)
20. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You're certainly
not all that, missy, coming in here dressed like a ho... And,get your
eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you like the slut you are, bitch.)
21. "THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)
22. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE)
(I'm 16.)
23. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE)
(I don't have a licence since I got pulled over and blew a .4 after my
last visit here.)
24. "NO, REALLY, I'M OK TO DRIVE."
(I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am
going home with.)
25. "I'M NOT USED TO THESE DARTS."
(I can't throw anything smaller than a pool cue when I am,this
bombed.)
26. "LET'S GO OUT TO MY CAR AND GET SOME CIGARETTES." (MALE TO
FEMALE)
(You would look great face down in my lap.)
27. "I'VE HAD LIKE 10 BEERS ALREADY."
(I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.)
28. "YOU GO AHEAD, I'LL CATCH A CAB."
(I already lined up a ride home with your 'ex'.)
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Test
date: Wed Mar 29 12:08:24 2000
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether
you are truly a "professional."
Scroll down for the answer. The questions are not that
difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the
giraffe
and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend
to do simple things in an
overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ?
Wrong Answer : Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and
close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer : Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe,
put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of
your actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the
animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the
refrigerator.
This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions
correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by
crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across.
All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting! This tests
whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong.
But many preschoolers got several correct answers.
Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory
that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Evolution
date: Thu Mar 30 09:53:08 2000
http://www.geocities.com/gloriana_.geo/evolution.gif
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Modern Dieting
date: Thu Mar 30 13:17:35 2000
o0 REASONABLE DIET RULES 0o
1. If you eat something, and no one sees you eat it,
it has no calories.
2. If you eat a candy bar and drink a diet soda with it,
the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
3. If you fatten-up everyone around you, then you look thinner.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as
hot chocolate, brandy, toast, honey, and cheesecake.
5. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking
a cookie causes calorie leakage.
6. Food licked off spoons and knifes have no calories, if you are
preparing something.
7. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.
i.e. : spinach & pistachio ice cream; mushrooms & mashed potatoes.
8. Chocolate is a universal color, and may be substituted for any
other food color with zero calorie effect.
9. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you
do not eat more than they do.
10. Movie and TV related foods do not contain calories because they
are part of an "entertainment package" and are not part of one's
regular menu. Examples : buttered popcorn, milk duds, tootsie rolls,
Red Hots and non-diet Coke.
11.Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories.
This is due because those calories rightfully belong to the
other person. Right ?
12.Anything consumed while standing has no calories. Science proves
that gravity alters the density of the caloric mass. Right ?
13.When you are stressed, sleepy, nervous or sexy, your body
will Not absorb calories. Right?
14.If you are over 40 you should replace old fat cells by eating more
calories. This diet technique will protect you from " the old
fat cell syndrome ". Right ?
15.Calories don't count. Natural artificial flavoring...Does !...Right ?
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: The Creation...
date: Thu Mar 30 16:45:17 2000
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six
days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the
seventh day. He inquired
of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of
satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said," What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going
to call it Earth and it's
going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example,
Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth
while Southern Europe is
going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.
Over there I've placed a
continent of white people and over there is a continent of black
people," God continued,
pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot
and arid while this one
will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large
land mass in the top corner
and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth.
There are beautiful
mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline.
The people from Canada are
going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to
be found traveling the
world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high
achieving, and they will be
known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.
I'm also going to give them
super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired
and feared by all who come
across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed.
"What about balance, God? You
said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm
putting in the country next to them."
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: woman
date: Sat Apr 1 02:10:42 2000
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is
nothing," on the blackboard and directed the students to
punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Language Barriers
date: Sat Apr 1 12:12:31 2000
From BMW Headquarters
We at BMW feel that members of our UK operation could benefit from
knowing certain auto terminology used by your German
counterparts. This should avoid embarrassment at our
inter-departmental
meetings.
Therefore before the next technical meeting please make the effort
to
read and inwardly digest the following...
INDICATORS Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
SPEEDOMETER Der Egobooster
PUNCTURE Die Phatte mit Bludyfucken
LEARNER Die Twaten mit Elplatt
ESTATE CAR Die Bagsromm fur Shagginkinauto
WINDSCREEN WIPER Die Fippenflappenschittenspredden
FOOTBRAKE Der Edbangenonvindskreen stoppenquik
BREATHALYSER Die Puffintem fur Pistenarsen
SEATBELT Der Klunkenklicken Frauleintrapper
HEADLIGHTS Das Dippendontdazzle ubastud
FOG WARNING Die Puttenfutdownen Fukit
HIGHWAY CODE Der Wipen fur Arsen
TYRES Phlattfarts
TRAFFIC JAM Der Bluddinfukkin damnundblasten
BACKFIRE Der Lowdenbangen mekkenme Fuckenjumpen
JUGGERNAUT Der Fukkengret trucken
ACCIDENT Der Bleedinmess
NEAR ACCIDENT Der Fucken neer schittensel
fen
CYCLIST Pedalpushen pilloken
REAR VIEW MIRROR Der Yokhunter TooKlosen
Helmit Mitspike (Chairman)
------------------------------
poster: Zifnab
subject: parody
date: Sun Apr 2 06:51:45 2000
I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent
to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the
fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend
whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a
rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable,since as
everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which
is why the government made them change their name to KFC).
Anyway, one day this same guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his
bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out
of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN (he knew it was
because he didn't forward that Hawaiian Good Luck Totem ). He saw a note on
his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because
it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer
that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the
crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer
programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in
which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00
Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true -
I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was
also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would
forward
the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing
kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which
unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's
expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an
HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, welcome to
the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital -
the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last
wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the
American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he
receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's
in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10
people, you will
have good luck but for 10 people only you will only have OK luck and if you
send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the
way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he
flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang
initiation.
Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will
receive 4 green M&Ms - if you don't, the CEO of Proctor and Gamble will
report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you
will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your
spouse/mate will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which
clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on
your e-mails forever.
I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.
-- zif
P.S this is especially funny as my wife and her friends have recently
discovered email, and our inbox every day has an email forwarded
by one of her friends that is urgent and has to be read, and turns
out to be an urban legend.
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: A Man's Life...
date: Sun Apr 2 12:58:59 2000
It's a Hard Life!
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race,..you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too much, you're avoiding spending time with her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing lazy bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off
your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a promotion ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain and self absorbed.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're conceited.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If you're totally beat after a hard day's work, you don't give a shit
about other people's needs.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you're a complainer and don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
- Ant ducks to avoid all the female accessories thrown at him...
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Garden of Eden
date: Mon Apr 3 15:25:47 2000
All you women out there will love this, as for the men, read on, and learn
something!
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a
problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and
all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm
just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for
you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie
cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.
But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill
things. He will
look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll
create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will
be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a
ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think
properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's
the catch, Lord?"
"Well... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll
have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our
little secret. You know, woman to woman."
------------------------------
poster: Nyx
subject: >Garden of Eden
date: Mon Apr 3 16:26:04 2000
On Mon Apr 3 15:25:47 2000 Javier wrote post #148:
> All you women out there will love this, as for the men, read on, and learn
> something!
>
> One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a
> problem!"
> "What's the problem, Eve?"
> "Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and
> all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm
> just not happy."
> "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
> "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
> "Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for
> you."
> "What's a man, Lord?"
> "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie
> cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.
> But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill
> things. He will
> look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll
> create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He
will
> be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a
> ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to
think
> properly."
> "Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's
> the catch, Lord?"
> "Well... you can have him on one condition."
> "What's that, Lord?"
> "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll
> have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our
> little secret. You know, woman to woman."
*puts that joke in storage and appaludes. Almost as good as what am
I gonna do with an extra boob joke*
Nyx
------------------------------
poster: Nyx
subject: Eggs
date: Tue Apr 4 16:08:57 2000
Not really a joke, but worth checking out
www.eeggs.com
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Death
date: Wed Apr 5 11:09:06 2000
This is pretty interesting:
http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/death.cgi
I (apparently) will die at the age of 85 from one of the following:
Alcoholism (20%)
Cancer (18%)
Alien Abduction (13%)
Homicide (9%)
Suicide (6%)
Third Degree Burns (5%)
Contagious Disease (5%)
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Not a joke...
date: Wed Apr 5 11:17:02 2000
This isn't a joke, but the fooking thing made me cry, so I had to
post it somewhere:
FRIENDS
1. In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the
person who let you
have the red crayon when all that was left was the ugly black one.
2. In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person
who went to
the
bathroom with you and held your hand as you walked through the scary
halls.
3. In second grade your idea of a good friend was the
person who helped
you
stand up to the class bully.
4. In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person
who shared
their
lunch with you when you forgot yours on the bus.
5. In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who was
willing
to switch square dancing partners in gym so you wouldn't
have to be stuck do-si-do-ing with Nasty Nicky or Smelly Susan.
6. In fifth grade your idea of a friend was the person who
saved a seat
on
the back of the bus for you.
7. In sixth grade your idea of a friend was the person who
went up to
Nick
or Susan, your new crush, and asked them to dance with you,
so that if
they
said no you wouldn't have to be embarrassed.
8. In seventh grade your idea of a friend was the person
who let you copy
the social studies homework from the night before that you had.
9. In eighth grade your idea of a good friend was the
person who helped
you
pack up your stuffed animals and old baseball cards so that
your room
would
be a "high schooler's" room, but didn't laugh at you when
you finished
and
broke out into tears.
10. In ninth grade your idea of a good friend was the
person who went
to
that "cool" party thrown by a senior so you wouldn't wind
up being the
only
freshman there.
11. In tenth grade your idea of a good friend was the
person who changed
their schedule so you would have someone to sit with at lunch.
12. In eleventh grade your idea of a good friend was the
person who gave
you
rides in their new car, convinced your parents that you shouldn't be
grounded, consoled you when you broke up with Nick or
Susan, and found
you a
date to the prom.
13. In twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who
helped
you pick out a college, assured you that you would get into
that college,
helped you deal with your parents who were having a hard
time adjusting
to
the idea of letting you go...
14. At graduation your idea of a good friend was the person who was
crying
on the inside but managed the biggest smile one could give as
they congratulated you.
15. The summer after twelfth grade your idea of a good
friend was the
person
who helped you clean up the bottles from that party, helped
you sneak out of the house when you just couldn't deal with
your parents,
assured you that now that you and Nick or you and Susan were back
for college and just silently hugged you as you looked
through blurry
eyes
at 18 years of memories you were leaving behind, and finally on
those last days of childhood, went out of their way to give you
reassurance
that you would make it in college as well as you had these past
18 years, and most importantly sent you off to college
knowing you were
loved.
16. Now, your idea of a good friend is still the person who
gives you the
better of the two choices, holds your hand when you're
scared, helps you
fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of
you at times
when you are not there, reminds you of what you have
forgotten, helps you put the past behind you but
understands when you
need
to hold on to it a little longer, stays with you so that you have
confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you,
helps you clear
up
your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others,
smiles for you
when
they are sad, helps you become a better person, and most importantly
loves
you!
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: New Scientific Theories
date: Fri Apr 7 06:01:07 2000
4th Runner-Up-- The earth may spin faster on its axis due to
deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when
the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees
may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
3rd Runner-Up- Communist China is technologically underdeveloped
because they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means the
Chinese cannot use "acronyms"; thus, they cannot communicate their
ideas at a faster rate.
2nd Runner-Up- The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory: You yawn to
equalise the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside
your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must
yawn to even it all out.
1st Runner-Up- If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an
infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun
rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually
produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
HONOURABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the English
language is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in one
geographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks"
his "cah", the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to
"warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its
feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered
side facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to
the back of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning
inches above the ground, probably into eternity. A "buttered-cat
array" could replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant
buttered-cat arrays" could easily allow a high-speed monorail
linking New York with Chicago.
------------------------------
poster: Bond
subject: fun
date: Fri Apr 7 08:29:19 2000
1. There's no problem that cannot be overcome with violence. ;2. You
can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters. ;3.
If it moves, KILL IT! ;4. Operating any vehicle or weapon is simple
and requires no training. ;5. "Bosses" always hire henchmen weaker
than they are to do their dirty work. ;6. If you find food lying on
the ground, eat it. ;7. You can smash things and get away with it.
(smashing things doesn't hurt and many nice things are hidden inside
other things) ;8. When someone dies, they disappear! ;9. Money is
frequently found lying in the streets. ;10. All shopkeepers carry
high tech weaponry. ;11. You never run out of bullets, only
grenades. ;12. Ninjas are common and fight in public frequently.
;13. Whenever huge, evil fat men are about to die, they start
flashing. ;14. When you are born, you are invulnerable for a brief
period of time. ;15. Although the enemy always has more aircraft
than you, they fly in predictable patterns which makes it easier to
shoot them all down. ;16. All women wear revealing clothing and have
great bodies. ;17. The enemy always leaves weapons and ammo lying
around for no apparent reason other than to allow their enemies to
pick it up and defeat them with it. ;18. You sustain injury if you
hurt innocents. ;19. Gang members frequently all look the same and
often have the same names. ;20. When driving, don't worry if your
vehicle crashes or explodes. A new one will appear in its place.
Bad texting.. but still fun.
/ J.B
------------------------------
poster: Bond
subject: er..
date: Fri Apr 7 08:30:19 2000
This is if you live like you learn from the computer.
// J.B
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Hehehehe
date: Fri Apr 7 16:28:01 2000
http://www.urban75.com/Mag/bubble.html
Perpetual bubblewrap, what could be better?
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Hehehehe
date: Sat Apr 8 02:23:23 2000
I was digging through some old text files, and thought this was
nostalgic...it's back from a no-save period some time ago:
Top 305 Active Player List
Name Level Experience
1) Antiochus 86 2,000,000,000
2) Hierokliff 107 2,000,000,000
3) Golte 83 1,968,931,074
4) Cale 36 1,791,823,369
5) Xphere 23 1,785,259,505
6) Baer 60 1,731,325,940
7) Wik 23 1,711,476,007
8) Denim 50 1,703,263,640
9) Javier 35 1,698,594,809
10) Fyodor 30 1,615,605,067
I just think it's cool because it'll be the only time I'm ever in
the top ten ;)
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Perfect day...
date: Sat Apr 8 19:42:41 2000
>PERFECT DAY FOR A WOMAN:
>
>815 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
>830 Weigh 5 lbs lighter than yesterday.
>845 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed oj and croissants.
>915 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
>1000 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
>1030 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out.
>1200 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
>245 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
>100 Shopping with friends.
>300 Nap.
>400 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
>415 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
>530 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
>730 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
>1000 Hot shower. Alone.
>1030 Make love.
>1100 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
>1115 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Perfect Day 2
date: Sat Apr 8 19:44:08 2000
>PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN:
>
>600 Alarm.
>615 Blowjob
>630 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
>700 Breakfast. Filiet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
>730 Limo arrives
>745 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
>815 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
>930 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
>945 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.
>1145 Lunch. 2 doz oysters on half shell, 3 Heinekens.
>1215 Blowjob
>1230 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
>215 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
>230 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
>315 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
>430 Catch world record light tackle marlin-1249 lbs.
>500 Jet back home. En route get massage from naked Kathy Ireland.
>700 Watch CNN News Flash....Clinton resigns.
>730 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20oz New York Strip.
>900 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban Cigar.
>1000 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
>1100 Massage and Jacuzzi.
>1145 Go to bed.
>1150 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave
the room.
>1155 Laugh yourself to sleep.
------------------------------
poster: Wik
subject: >Hehehehe
date: Mon Apr 10 00:10:47 2000
On Sat Apr 8 02:23:23 2000 Javier wrote post #157:
> I was digging through some old text files, and thought this was
> nostalgic...it's back from a no-save period some time ago:
>
> Top 305 Active Player List
>
> Name Level Experience
>
> 1) Antiochus 86 2,000,000,000
> 2) Hierokliff 107 2,000,000,000
> 3) Golte 83 1,968,931,074
> 4) Cale 36 1,791,823,369
> 5) Xphere 23 1,785,259,505
> 6) Baer 60 1,731,325,940
> 7) Wik 23 1,711,476,007
> 8) Denim 50 1,703,263,640
> 9) Javier 35 1,698,594,809
> 10) Fyodor 30 1,615,605,067
>
>
> I just think it's cool because it'll be the only time I'm ever in
> the top ten ;)
Ooo, I remember that. I didnt know what to do with all of the exp.
That was fun.
-%^WHITE%^%^B_BLUE%^W%^RESET%^
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: Spiders
date: Mon Apr 10 05:59:55 2000
Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders
mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"
"They're mating, Lucy" he replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked.
"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."
Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a
Mommy Longlegs?"
Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.
"Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!"
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: 80's
date: Tue Apr 11 15:02:52 2000
It's been in here before, but it's SO true...
You know you're an 80's child if....
1.You had a crush on one of the New Kids on the Block members.
2. You wanted to be on StarSearch. (Comee on, we all did)
3. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before he had
4. plastic surgery. (All those early videos) Or even when he had those
freaky eyes in "Thriller" at the end of the video.
5. You wore a banana clip or one of those slap on wrist bands at
some point
during your youth.
6. You were styling with your french rolled pants.
7. You had slouch socks, and puff painted your own shirt at least once.
10Aha, puffy paints!
8. You owned a doll with 'Xavier Roberts' signed on its butt. What is
that, do you know? Cabbage Patch Kids?
9. Your Garbage Pail Kid collection made you rebellious.
10. You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout."
11. You know the profound meaning of"Wax on, Wax off."
12. You were upset when Shera, Princess of Power and He-Man got
cancelled.
13. You can remember watching Full House and Saved By the Bell
for endless
hours.
14. You had a perm.
15. You find yourself making the sound from the Arseno Hall show.
16. You were heartbroken when you found out Millie Vanilli lip-synced.
17. Family Ties?
18. You have seen at least 10 episodes of Fraggle Rock. Astro Boy?!!
19. You went to at least one "Knight Ridder" themed Birthday
party.
20. The words "Nobody puts Baby in a corner" still have special
meaning.
21. You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer."
22. You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to Future."
23. You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your
name."
24. You remember a time when Rainbow Brite wasn't a gay pride symbol.
25. You too wanted to BE Punky Bruster.
26. You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool. (Was there an 80's movie
she WASN'T in?)
27. You know what "Sike" means.
28. You fell victim to 80's fashion: big hair, crimped, combed
over to the
side, shirt ties, and you wore spandex pants.
29. You wanted to be a Goonie ("Goonies never say die.")
30. You remember Madonna in her cone stage.
31. You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called
"Prince."
32. You or your mother took Jazzersize.
33. You actually saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played "Sam" to
be.
34. You cried for hours when you didn't get a Teddy Ruxpin.
35. You ever wore flourescent -neon if you will clothing...(or
nailpolish)
36. Remember the underwear with the name of each day of the week on it!
37. You could breakdance, or wished you could.
38. You know who Max Headroom is. Sounds familiar, do you know?
39. You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.
(Remember Pong?)
40. You know all the words to "ice ice baby".
41. You remember M.C. hammer.
42. You can still sing the rap to "Fresh Prince of Bel Air".
43. You own any cassettes.
44. You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on
the moon.
45. You remember and/or own any of the CareBear Glass
collection from Pizza
Hut.
46. Poltergeist freaked you out.
47. You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
48. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
49. My Little Pony, Gummy Bears, PinWheel with Molly the Mole,
Double Dare,
and Zoobilee Zoo are familiar to you.
50. You know what a Doozer is.
51. You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish.
"Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" was most triumphant.
52. You ever had a Swatch Watch.
53. You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the care-bear
stare.
54. Tubular, Rad, Shaa, Dugh, and Doy were part of your regular
vocabulary.
55. You wanted to live in Muffy the Mouse's house on Today's Special.
56. You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
57. You had WonderWoman or Superman underwear.
58. You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
59. You Believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the
power!"
60. You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
61. You know what a "Whammee" is. ("No Whammy, no
whammy,stop!!")
62. Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
If you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my
friend, are
a "Child of the 80's."
------------------------------
poster: Magneto
subject: >80's
date: Tue Apr 11 16:22:32 2000
>
> If you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my
> friend, are
> a "Child of the 80's."
And probably female.
Mags
p.s. hrm fraggle area anyone?
------------------------------
poster: Mamoru
subject: >>80's
date: Tue Apr 11 18:36:28 2000
On Tue Apr 11 16:22:32 2000 Magneto wrote post #163:
> >
> > If you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my
> > friend, are
> > a "Child of the 80's."
> And probably female.
>
> Mags
> p.s. hrm fraggle area anyone?
>
good idea mags
------------------------------
poster: Sleet
subject: fraggles
date: Tue Apr 11 18:51:45 2000
those things kick ass
lu fraggle rock
------------------------------
poster: Nyx
subject: Quickie
date: Wed Apr 12 02:06:44 2000
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The Swallow.
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Happy Keester
date: Wed Apr 12 21:19:15 2000
http://my.smartbotpro.net/keester/
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: Confessional
date: Thu Apr 13 06:40:40 2000
There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering
the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate
love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven
lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
------------------------------
poster: Nyx
subject: Heh
date: Thu Apr 13 14:37:04 2000
If you stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh',
everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an airplane, everyone joins in.
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: New Technology
date: Wed Apr 19 06:06:22 2000
Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade-name
"BOOK." BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology; no
wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected
or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it.
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere, even sitting in an
armchair by the fire, yet it is powerful enough to hold as much
information as a CD-ROM disc.
Here is how it works: BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered
sheets of recyclable paper, each capable of holding thousands of
bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit
device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct
sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides
of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly
into your brain. A flick of your finger takes you to the next sheet.
BOOK may be taken up at any time and used simply by opening it.
BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting. The Browse feature allows
you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as
you wish. Many come with an Index feature, which pinpoints the exact
location of any selected information for instant retrieval. An
optional "BOOKMARK" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact
place you left it in a previous session, even if the BOOK is
closed. BOOKMARKS fit universal design standards; thus, a single
BOOKMARK can be used in BOOKS by various manufacturers. Conversely,
numerous BOOKMARKS can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants
to store numerous views at once. The number is only limited by the
number of pages in the BOOK.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an
optional programming tool, named: "Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic
Intercommunication Language Stylus"------------------------------
poster: Wik
subject: >New Technology
date: Wed Apr 19 10:49:50 2000
Awesomeness at its best! BOOK is god!
------------------------------
poster: Reamus
subject: Just a Quote
date: Thu Apr 20 14:49:15 2000
"No matter how new age you get, old age is gonna kick your ass" -Utah Philips
I dunno, I just felt like sharing
Reamus
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: Only in California
date: Thu Apr 20 16:51:37 2000
A California policeman pulled a car over and told the driver that
because he had been wearing his seatbelt, he had just won $5,000
dollars in the statewide safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat.
"He's a smartaleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the backseat, who took one look at the cop
and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said,
in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: Lamb
date: Thu Apr 20 18:29:37 2000
Mary had a little lamb
It was always in a hurry
Fell into the cooking pot
Now it's in the curry
------------------------------
poster: Austin
subject: American Driving
date: Fri Apr 21 11:05:05 2000
The following are a sampling of REAL answers recived on exams given
by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.
Q. Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A. What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q. Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop
at the same time?
A. The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,
"Guns don't kill people, I do."
Q. When driving through fog, what should you use?
A. Your car.
Q. How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A. Be too shit-faced to find your keys.
Q. What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A. I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q. What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer
drive lawfully?
A. I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q. What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A. Make eye contact and wave "Hello" if he/she is cute.
Q. What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a
flashing yellow traffic light?
A. The color.
Q. How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A. Heavy psychedelics.
Q. What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A. Carry loaded weapons.
Q. Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A. It would be tough to be a $@#! head all day long.
------------------------------
poster: Trancemaster
subject: >>80's
date: Fri Apr 21 19:36:21 2000
On Tue Apr 11 16:22:32 2000 Magneto wrote post #163:
> >
> > If you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my
> > friend, are
> > a "Child of the 80's."
> And probably female.
>
> Mags
> p.s. hrm fraggle area anyone?
>
ooo, fraggle area :)
%^BOLD%^-- %^BLUE%^Trance%^WHITE%^ --%^RESET%^
------------------------------
poster: Sleet
subject: >>>80's
date: Sat Apr 22 13:15:14 2000
YEAH!
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Sotally Tober
date: Mon Apr 24 21:49:18 2000
SOTALLY TOBER
Starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up.
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Americans and Canadians
date: Tue Apr 25 01:25:57 2000
A Canadian is having his 'petit dejeuner' (coffee, croissants, bread,
butter & jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The Canadian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a
conversation.
American: "You Canada folk eat the whole bread??"
Canadian (in a bad mood): "Of course."
American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In the =
States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a
container, recycle
it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada."
The American has a smirk on his face. The Canadian listens in
silence.
The American persists: "D'ya eat jelly with the bread??"
Canadian: "Of Course."
American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). =
"We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put
=
all the peels, seeds, and left overs in containers, recycle them,
transform =
them into jam and sell the jam to Canada."
The Canadian then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"
American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big
smirk.
Canadian: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used
them?"
American: "We throw them away, of course."
Canadian: "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to
Americans.
------------------------------
poster: Zifnab
subject: purity test
date: Tue Apr 25 20:38:24 2000
I got a kick out of this, some of you people that have never playd
a 2.4.5 or an older lpmud might not, but i thought i woudl post it
anyway.
http://www.frontier.mudservices.com/purity.html
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Hehehehehe
date: Wed Apr 26 17:58:03 2000
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well endowed,
shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have
sex with him. No men either, one would think.
Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him
to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.
Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a
particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there.
"Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5
inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this
sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side,
sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog.
Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he
thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog.
Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit excessive,
he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again,
"Will you marry me?"
Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you? No. No. NO!"
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: Indian
date: Fri Apr 28 19:54:13 2000
An Indian was lying face down on a dessert road with his ear
to the ground, another Indian walked up and said "what are you
doing ?"
He replied "3 Wagons and 15 horses came this way 15 minutes ago"
Clearly astounded the second Indian replied "how do you know that ?"
This one lying down said "They run me over!"
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: Picnic Basket
date: Fri Apr 28 19:57:16 2000
A man was riding on a crowded bus, standing room only.
The bus stopped and an elderly lady got on carrying a
large picnic basket. She stood right in front of the
man and grabbed the overhead rail so the picnic basket
was above the man's head.
Being a gentleman, he offered his seat to her. She
quickly declined as she was only going a short distance.
Soon the picnic basket began to leak. The man felt
something drop on top of his head. As he looked up it
hit beside his nose and ran down across his lips. He
tasted it, looked up at the lady and asked, "Pickles?"
She replied, "No...puppies."
------------------------------
poster: Baer
subject: Zombie players
date: Sun Apr 30 01:22:32 2000
Arkangyle said: shutup your trap Shanus
Arkangyle said: before I pk you on Zombie again
Baer said: dude why are you talking to an npc?
Arkangyle said: he's not an npc
Arkangyle said: Shanus was one of my friends from Zombie
Baer said: well hope you have a nice conversation with him on here
Arkangyle said: yeah, I'm gonna jack his ass
------------------------------
poster: Dalak
subject: >Zombie players
date: Sun Apr 30 05:47:19 2000
On Sun Apr 30 01:22:32 2000 Baer wrote post #184:
> Arkangyle said: shutup your trap Shanus
> Arkangyle said: before I pk you on Zombie again
> Baer said: dude why are you talking to an npc?
> Arkangyle said: he's not an npc
> Arkangyle said: Shanus was one of my friends from Zombie
> Baer said: well hope you have a nice conversation with him on here
> Arkangyle said: yeah, I'm gonna jack his ass
roflmao
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Benjamin
date: Mon May 1 04:06:02 2000
Hehehehe, he may have been a fabulous philosopher, but he couldn't
write poetry:
Sciences is a cow
I listen
I sit in the lecture hall
While it goes moo
-Walter Benjamin
------------------------------
poster: Apathy
subject: >Benjamin
date: Mon May 1 14:02:53 2000
On Mon May 1 04:06:02 2000 Javier wrote post #186:
> Hehehehe, he may have been a fabulous philosopher, but he couldn't
> write poetry:
>
> Sciences is a cow
> I listen
> I sit in the lecture hall
> While it goes moo
> -Walter Benjamin
Hey, I kinda like that.
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Top 10 Ways to Get Your Neighbor to Move
date: Sun May 7 14:13:40 2000
1. Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their
doorstep claiming that you don't have a phone.
2. Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, "I
have your life in my hands, bow down to me!". Then point at each
one and declare them good or bad plants, while watering the bad
ones.
3. Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house.
(i.e., chairs, books, lamps, etc.)
4. Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why
say, "Mine are full of bodies," then stutter and say, "I uh mean
other garbage," walk away laughing hysterically.
5. Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they
come close state that their is a 3 foot neutral area between the two
yards.
6. At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say,
"looks like they're on the move again."
7. When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window.
Sit down with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open
a window so you can hear too.
8. Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbors Each day hack
off a different part of their body.
9. Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from
outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more
educational the program the better.)
10. Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave
patches. Make markers out of household appliances.
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Nyx
subject: >Top 10 Ways to Get Your Neighbor to Move
date: Tue May 9 18:09:55 2000
On Sun May 7 14:13:40 2000 Ant wrote post #188:
> 1. Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their
> doorstep claiming that you don't have a phone.
>
> 2. Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, "I
> have your life in my hands, bow down to me!". Then point at each
> one and declare them good or bad plants, while watering the bad
> ones.
>
> 3. Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house.
> (i.e., chairs, books, lamps, etc.)
>
> 4. Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why
> say, "Mine are full of bodies," then stutter and say, "I uh mean
> other garbage," walk away laughing hysterically.
>
> 5. Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they
> come close state that their is a 3 foot neutral area between the two
> yards.
>
> 6. At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say,
> "looks like they're on the move again."
>
> 7. When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window.
> Sit down with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open
> a window so you can hear too.
>
> 8. Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbors Each day hack
> off a different part of their body.
>
> 9. Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from
> outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more
> educational the program the better.)
>
> 10. Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave
> patches. Make markers out of household appliances.
>
> - Ant
>
*still crying from laughing so hard* Ohh, that was funny.
Nyx
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: The Elbow
date: Wed May 10 02:07:41 2000
>The elbow:
>
>A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
>
>As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps
into a woman beside him and as
he does,
>his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
>
>The man turns to her and says, ''Ma'am, if your heart is
as soft as your breast, I know you'll
forgive me.''
>
>She replies, ''if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm
in room 436.''
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Hmm
date: Wed May 10 10:11:25 2000
Some of these seem a little weird to me, so don't shoot the
messanger if any of them are wrong:
63 Things You Might Not Have Known:
(01) Money isn't made out of paper. It's made out of cotton.
(02) The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of
varieties of pickle the company once had.
(03) A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
(04) Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two
weeks or it will
digest itself.
(05) The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
(06) The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
(07) A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce
up and down
continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
(08) Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
(09) A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot
find a mate.
(10) A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
(11) A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.
(12) 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
(13) Every person has a unique eye & tongue print.
(14) The "spot" on the 7-Up comes from its inventor who had red
eyes. He was an albino.
(15) 315 entries in Webster's 1996 dictionary were misspelled.
(16) During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be
seen in the distance.
(17) On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents
daily.!
(18) John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham
Lincoln's son.
(19) Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine are brother and sister.
(20) Chocolate kills dogs. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and
nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small
sized dog.
(21) Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps.
(22) Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If
captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to
reveal a map for escape.
(23) Most lipstick contains fish scales.
(24) Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedo-ing up into
the shark's stomach
from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
(25) Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he
doesn't wear pants.
(26) Dr. Seuss is actually pronounced Seuss such that it
sounds like Sueice.
(27) Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
(29) During the California gold rush of 1849, miners sent their
laundry to
Honolulu for washing and pressing. Due to the
extremely high costs in
California during these boom years, it was deemed more
feasible to send their shirts
to Hawaii for servicing.
(30) American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one
olive from each salad
served in First Class.
(31) Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during
World War II were made of
wood.
(32) The number of possible ways of playing the first four
moves per side in a game
of chess is 318,979,564,000.
(33) Upper and lower case letters are named "upper" and "lower"
because in the
time when all original print had to be set in
individual letters,the upper case
letters were stored in the case on top of the case that
stored the lower case
letters.
(34) There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
(35) There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with
orange, purple and
silver.
(36) The numbers "172" can be found on the back of the US 5
dollar bill, in the
bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.
(37) The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was
never a recorded Wendy before.
(38) The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in
World War II killed the
only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
(39) There are 4 cars and 11 lightposts on the back on the US
10 dollar bill.
(40) Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. It also took him 10
years to paint Mona
Lisa's lips.
(41) If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it
will instantly go mad
and sting itself to death.
(42) Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film
down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the
norm.
(43) If you have 3 quarters, 4 dimes and 4 pennies, you'd have
$1.19.You would also have the largest amount of money in
coins without being
able to make change for a dollar.
(44) The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's
"Born in the USA".
(45) The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween"
was actually a
Captain Kirk mask painted white.
(46) The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
(47) The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English
law which stated
that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider
than your thumb.
(48) The first product Motorola started to develop was a record
player for
automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the
market was Victrola, so they
called themselves Motorola.
(49) Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
(50) By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you
cannot sink into
quicksand.
(51) Casey Kasem is the voice of Shaggy on Scooby Doo.
(52) Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to
eat a piece of celery
than the celery has in it to begin with.
(53) Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin
look-alike contest.
(54) In Gulliver's Travels, Jonathan Swift described the two
moons of Mars,Phobos
and Deimos, giving their exact size and speeds of
rotation. He did this more than 100
years before either moon was discovered.
(55) Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
(56) Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson".
(57) An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a
woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.
(58) Sharon Stone was the first StarSearch spokesmodel.
(59) The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
(60) The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the
book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
(61) Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into
space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
(62) Back in the mid to late 80s, an IBM compatible computer wasn't
considered 100% compatible unless it could run Microsoft's
Flight Simulator.
(63) Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!!
------------------------------
poster: Nyx
subject: >Hmm
date: Wed May 10 15:03:28 2000
On Wed May 10 10:11:25 2000 Javier wrote post #191:
> Some of these seem a little weird to me, so don't shoot the
> messanger if any of them are wrong:
>
> 63 Things You Might Not Have Known:
>
> (01) Money isn't made out of paper. It's made out of cotton.
> (02) The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of
> varieties of pickle the company once had.
> (03) A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
> (04) Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two
> weeks or it will
> digest itself.
> (05) The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
> (06) The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
> (07) A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce
> up and down
> continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
> (08) Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
> (09) A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot
> find a mate.
> (10) A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
> (11) A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.
> (12) 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
> (13) Every person has a unique eye & tongue print.
> (14) The "spot" on the 7-Up comes from its inventor who had red
> eyes. He was an albino.
> (15) 315 entries in Webster's 1996 dictionary were misspelled.
> (16) During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be
> seen in the distance.
> (17) On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents
> daily.!
> (18) John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham
> Lincoln's son.
> (19) Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine are brother and sister.
> (20) Chocolate kills dogs. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and
> nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small
> sized dog.
> (21) Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps.
> (22) Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If
> captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to
> reveal a map for escape.
> (23) Most lipstick contains fish scales.
> (24) Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedo-ing up into
> the shark's stomach
> from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
> (25) Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he
> doesn't wear pants.
> (26) Dr. Seuss is actually pronounced Seuss such that it
> sounds like Sueice.
> (27) Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
> (29) During the California gold rush of 1849, miners sent their
> laundry to
> Honolulu for washing and pressing. Due to the
> extremely high costs in
> California during these boom years, it was deemed more
> feasible to send their shirts
> to Hawaii for servicing.
> (30) American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one
> olive from each salad
> served in First Class.
> (31) Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during
> World War II were made of
> wood.
> (32) The number of possible ways of playing the first four
> moves per side in a game
> of chess is 318,979,564,000.
> (33) Upper and lower case letters are named "upper" and "lower"
> because in the
> time when all original print had to be set in
> individual letters,the upper case
> letters were stored in the case on top of the case that
> stored the lower case
> letters.
> (34) There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
> (35) There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with
> orange, purple and
> silver.
> (36) The numbers "172" can be found on the back of the US 5
> dollar bill, in the
> bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.
> (37) The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was
> never a recorded Wendy before.
> (38) The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in
> World War II killed the
> only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
> (39) There are 4 cars and 11 lightposts on the back on the US
> 10 dollar bill.
> (40) Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. It also took him 10
> years to paint Mona
> Lisa's lips.
> (41) If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it
> will instantly go mad
> and sting itself to death.
> (42) Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film
> down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the
> norm.
> (43) If you have 3 quarters, 4 dimes and 4 pennies, you'd have
> $1.19.You would also have the largest amount of money in
> coins without being
> able to make change for a dollar.
> (44) The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's
> "Born in the USA".
> (45) The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween"
> was actually a
> Captain Kirk mask painted white.
> (46) The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
> (47) The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English
> law which stated
> that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider
> than your thumb.
> (48) The first product Motorola started to develop was a record
> player for
> automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the
> market was Victrola, so they
> called themselves Motorola.
> (49) Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
> (50) By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you
> cannot sink into
> quicksand.
> (51) Casey Kasem is the voice of Shaggy on Scooby Doo.
> (52) Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to
> eat a piece of celery
> than the celery has in it to begin with.
> (53) Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin
> look-alike contest.
> (54) In Gulliver's Travels, Jonathan Swift described the two
> moons of Mars,Phobos
> and Deimos, giving their exact size and speeds of
> rotation. He did this more than 100
> years before either moon was discovered.
> (55) Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
> (56) Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson".
> (57) An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a
> woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.
> (58) Sharon Stone was the first StarSearch spokesmodel.
> (59) The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
> (60) The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the
> book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
> (61) Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into
> space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
> (62) Back in the mid to late 80s, an IBM compatible computer wasn't
> considered 100% compatible unless it could run Microsoft's
> Flight Simulator.
>
> (63) Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!!
Umm some of those are VERY false. ;) And some are rather interesting. :P
Nyx
------------------------------
poster: Sleet
subject: >>Hmm
date: Wed May 10 15:09:39 2000
On Wed May 10 15:03:28 2000 Nyx wrote post #192:
> On Wed May 10 10:11:25 2000 Javier wrote post #191:
> > Some of these seem a little weird to me, so don't shoot the
> > messanger if any of them are wrong:
> >
> > 63 Things You Might Not Have Known:
> >
> > (01) Money isn't made out of paper. It's made out of cotton.
> > (02) The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of
> > varieties of pickle the company once had.
> > (03) A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
> > (04) Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two
> > weeks or it will
> > digest itself.
> > (05) The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
> > (06) The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
> > (07) A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce
> > up and down
> > continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
> > (08) Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
> > (09) A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot
> > find a mate.
> > (10) A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
> > (11) A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.
> > (12) 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
> > (13) Every person has a unique eye & tongue print.
> > (14) The "spot" on the 7-Up comes from its inventor who had red
> > eyes. He was an albino.
> > (15) 315 entries in Webster's 1996 dictionary were misspelled.
> > (16) During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be
> > seen in the distance.
> > (17) On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents
> > daily.!
> > (18) John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham
> > Lincoln's son.
> > (19) Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine are brother and sister.
> > (20) Chocolate kills dogs. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and
> > nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small
> > sized dog.
> > (21) Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps.
> > (22) Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If
> > captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to
> > reveal a map for escape.
> > (23) Most lipstick contains fish scales.
> > (24) Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedo-ing up into
> > the shark's stomach
> > from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
> > (25) Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he
> > doesn't wear pants.
> > (26) Dr. Seuss is actually pronounced Seuss such that it
> > sounds like Sueice.
> > (27) Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
> > (29) During the California gold rush of 1849, miners sent their
> > laundry to
> > Honolulu for washing and pressing. Due to the
> > extremely high costs in
> > California during these boom years, it was deemed more
> > feasible to send their shirts
> > to Hawaii for servicing.
> > (30) American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one
> > olive from each salad
> > served in First Class.
> > (31) Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during
> > World War II were made of
> > wood.
> > (32) The number of possible ways of playing the first four
> > moves per side in a game
> > of chess is 318,979,564,000.
> > (33) Upper and lower case letters are named "upper" and "lower"
> > because in the
> > time when all original print had to be set in
> > individual letters,the upper case
> > letters were stored in the case on top of the case that
> > stored the lower case
> > letters.
> > (34) There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
> > (35) There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with
> > orange, purple and
> > silver.
> > (36) The numbers "172" can be found on the back of the US 5
> > dollar bill, in the
> > bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.
> > (37) The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was
> > never a recorded Wendy before.
> > (38) The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in
> > World War II killed the
> > only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
> > (39) There are 4 cars and 11 lightposts on the back on the US
> > 10 dollar bill.
> > (40) Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. It also took him 10
> > years to paint Mona
> > Lisa's lips.
> > (41) If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it
> > will instantly go mad
> > and sting itself to death.
> > (42) Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film
> > down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the
> > norm.
> > (43) If you have 3 quarters, 4 dimes and 4 pennies, you'd have
> > $1.19.You would also have the largest amount of money in
> > coins without being
> > able to make change for a dollar.
> > (44) The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's
> > "Born in the USA".
> > (45) The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween"
> > was actually a
> > Captain Kirk mask painted white.
> > (46) The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
> > (47) The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English
> > law which stated
> > that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider
> > than your thumb.
> > (48) The first product Motorola started to develop was a record
> > player for
> > automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the
> > market was Victrola, so they
> > called themselves Motorola.
> > (49) Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
> > (50) By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you
> > cannot sink into
> > quicksand.
> > (51) Casey Kasem is the voice of Shaggy on Scooby Doo.
> > (52) Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to
> > eat a piece of celery
> > than the celery has in it to begin with.
> > (53) Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin
> > look-alike contest.
> > (54) In Gulliver's Travels, Jonathan Swift described the two
> > moons of Mars,Phobos
> > and Deimos, giving their exact size and speeds of
> > rotation. He did this more than 100
> > years before either moon was discovered.
> > (55) Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
> > (56) Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson".
> > (57) An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a
> > woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.
> > (58) Sharon Stone was the first StarSearch spokesmodel.
> > (59) The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
> > (60) The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the
> > book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
> > (61) Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into
> > space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
> > (62) Back in the mid to late 80s, an IBM compatible computer wasn't
> > considered 100% compatible unless it could run Microsoft's
> > Flight Simulator.
> >
> > (63) Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!!
> Umm some of those are VERY false. ;) And some are rather interesting. :P
> Nyx
the word nipple rhyms with purple
sleet
------------------------------
poster: Nyx
subject: >>>Hmm
date: Wed May 10 15:15:44 2000
Nipple and purple sound nothing a like sweetie. :)
Nyx
------------------------------
poster: Marvin
subject: >>>>Hmm
date: Wed May 10 15:16:08 2000
On Wed May 10 15:15:44 2000 Nyx wrote post #194:
> Nipple and purple sound nothing a like sweetie. :)
> Nyx
I think he meant 'Nurple'
------------------------------
poster: Nyx
subject: >>>>>Hmm
date: Wed May 10 15:16:28 2000
On Wed May 10 15:16:08 2000 Marvin wrote post #195:
> On Wed May 10 15:15:44 2000 Nyx wrote post #194:
> > Nipple and purple sound nothing a like sweetie. :)
> > Nyx
>
> I think he meant 'Nurple'
I was just thinking that. :P
Nyx
------------------------------
poster: Sleet
subject: >>>>Hmm
date: Wed May 10 15:29:31 2000
On Wed May 10 15:15:44 2000 Nyx wrote post #194:
> Nipple and purple sound nothing a like sweetie. :)
> Nyx
bah!
------------------------------
poster: Apathy
subject: >>Hmm
date: Wed May 10 19:28:06 2000
> Umm some of those are VERY false. ;) And some are rather interesting. :P
> Nyx
Some are quite true, though, because I already knew them. ;)
-Apathy
------------------------------
poster: Nyx
subject: >>>Hmm
date: Wed May 10 19:29:06 2000
On Wed May 10 19:28:06 2000 Apathy wrote post #198:
> > Umm some of those are VERY false. ;) And some are rather interesting. :P
> > Nyx
>
> Some are quite true, though, because I already knew them. ;)
>
> -Apathy
Nods. :) Actually the Las Vegas no clocks in casino was true...:)
Just wanted to add that. I am rambling...
Nyx
------------------------------
poster: Tantrum
subject: >>Hm
date: Wed May 10 19:30:06 2000
Umm some of those are VERY false. ;) And some are rather interesting. :P
> Nyx
Some are quite true, though, because I already knew them. ;)
-Apathy
You so smart A. ;p
------------------------------
poster: Apathy
subject: >>>Hm
date: Wed May 10 19:30:33 2000
On Wed May 10 19:30:06 2000 Tantrum wrote post #200:
> Umm some of those are VERY false. ;) And some are rather interesting. :P
> > Nyx
>
> Some are quite true, though, because I already knew them. ;)
>
> -Apathy
>
> You so smart A. ;p
I know. =)
-Apathy
------------------------------
poster: Aphazel
subject: >>>>Hm
date: Wed May 10 23:43:36 2000
Hmm... we have Donald Duck comics in Finland, so I kinda think
there's at least one false. :)
(Strange they didn't try to tell that there is no electricity in
Finland...) ;)
-Aph, who hasn't read his weekly Donald Duck yet...
------------------------------
poster: Nyx
subject: Things we sit on
date: Sun May 14 03:12:06 2000
Rocking Chairs
It's wonderful the stupid things we invent to help us deal with
nevous tension: rocking chairs, stress balls, anatomically correct
vibrating devices, so on and so forth. Rocking chairs are fun, no
doubt about it, but they always make me think of grandmothers
sitting and rocking and knitting and humming along the the radio.
Grandmothers must have a LOT of nervous tension to work out. A
Lawn Chairs
Another thing I find amazing is how people so often invent things
that seem to be carefully calculated to fail at their designed task.
Take the lowly lawn chair. It burns your ass on sunny days, moistens
your ass on dewy mornings, pokes little holes in your
carefully-tended lawn, and tips over if you fall asleep. It would be
hard to design a worse outdoor chair without making it irresistably
delicious to squirrels. D+
Movie Theater Seats
Many improvements have been made to movie theater seats over the
past decade or so. Too bad they haven't keep up with the
degeneration in movie theaters themselves. I appreciate the tilting
back and all, but it does me no good if it puts the back of my head
in the popcorn barrel of the person behind me. D
Barstools
At first glance, you might say that these suffer from the same
affliction as lawn chairs, but I think that the unsuitability of
barstools for sitting on while drunk is an obvious boon to society.
First off, falling of your stool and knocking it over when you get
up convinces you that you're drunker than you are, reducing the
number of drunk drivers on our nation's sidewalks. Secondly, they
allow you to recognize the "seasoned wetbrains" (to quote Dorkin) in
the bar: they manage to slump with a perfect sense of balance. B
Bean Bags
The reason these are so popular in dorm rooms and neo-hippy
households is because the encourage contemplation -- profound
thoughts like "If God is omnipowerful and benevolent, why can't I
get out of this bean bag?" and "Nobody's noticed me holding out the
bong and I can't get up; may as well take another hit." B-
High Chairs
Some people think that people like roller coasters because of the
adrenalin rush. I think it's because we have suppressed memories of
when life was novel and exciting and we were always being strapped
into our seats. "Hey, I'm locked in and sitting! That means I'm
either being transported someplace new or they're going to give me
some food to throw!" Add a tray and a bib to your roller coaster and
I bet you'll be breaking attendance records left and right. B+
Nyx
------------------------------
poster: Nyx
subject: Got a cold?
date: Sun May 14 03:16:06 2000
Lozenges
I enjoy the lozenge. I consider lozenge-sucking one of the few good
aspects of a sinus-swelling throat infection. I suck them down like
considerably less-jolly Jolly Ranchers. I made the mistake of
looking at the ingredient list once, though. It said "ACTIVE
INGREDIENT: PECTIN." Pectin? How is pectin an active ingredient in
the war against throat pain? I think they just put that in there
because "ACTIVE INGREDIENT: YOUR OWN SALIVA, ACTUALLY" isn't going
to sell a lot of cough drops. A+
Chicken Soup
Every flu season magazines and newspapers love to run articles about
how chicken soup really is good for a cold, just like they say. One
doctor says that cooked chicken releases anti-respiratory
medication, another says that soup inhibits inflammatory white blood
cells, and so forth. That's all fine and good, but if someone tries
to present me with scientific proof that Chicken Soup for the Soul
actually is good for your soul, I'm leaving the planet. B
Vicks Vapo-Rub
I remember this being very soothing as a child, but I've never been
able to actually work up the will to spread menthol goo on my own
chest as an adult. Lying on my back with globs of jelly in my chest
hair would just make me feel like somebody's fetish. Plus, and this
is the kicker, it makes me smell like some sort of monstrous
irradiated eucalyptus tree. None for me, thanks. C-
Cough Syrup
You'll note that the ultimate low point for booze is tasting like
cough syrup. If the alcohol in question is coming out of a
shatter-proof plastic jug, chances are someone will point out the
similarity to it and Robitussin. Given that I'm not the biggest fan
of cheap booze, the ideal abstraction of cheap booze isn't going to
appeal to me either, cough or no cough. D+
Echinacea
Blech blech blech. Talk about the cure being worse than the disease.
If I were to catch an illness that made the taste of echinacea ooze
down my throat every thirty minutes, I'd be pounding on the triage
counter at the emergency room demanding satisfaction faster than you
can say "FDA approval." Luckily Big Medicine is catching on to this
and releasing items with the echinacea flavor heavily masked. If
they come out with children's chewable echinacea I might give it a
try. D
Nyx who is laughing to hard to type
------------------------------
poster: Nyx
subject: Something to think about
date: Sun May 14 03:29:51 2000
Not really a joke actually. Food and drug guidlines for food and the
amount of nastyness you can have in it.
Peanut Butter: 30 insect fragments per 100 grams (3.5 ounces)
Potato Chips: 6% of pieces with rot
Raisins: 35 fruit fly eggs per 8 oz (225 grams)
Ground Cinnamon: 11 rodent hairs per 50 grams (1.8 ounces)
Canned Mushrooms: 5 fruit fly maggots per 100 grams (3.5 ounces)
Sesame Seeds: 5 mg rodent droppings per pound (455 grams)
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: MS Keyboard
date: Wed May 17 05:50:57 2000
Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard
designed specifically for Windows. {Sources say a Macintosh
variant is in the works.} In addition to the keys found on the
standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys
which will make your Windows computing even more fun! The
final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make
suggestions. The keys proposed so far are:
1) GPF key -- This key will instantly generate a General
Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state
that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by
eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce
a General Protection Fault.
2) $$ key -- When this key is pressed, money is transferred
automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the
need for further action or third party intervention.
3) ZD key -- This key was developed specifically for reviewers
of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative
adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows
within the file being edited.
4) MS key -- This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled
"Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.
5) FUD key -- Some thing to do with the display ... self
explanatory.
6) Chicago key -- Generates do nothing loops for months at a
time.
7) IBM key -- Searches your hard disk for operating systems or
applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.
(Is very effective at removing Netscape).
8) MSN Key -- With a single keystroke you will install and setup the
world's second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you
thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN files from Win 95!
9) RW95 Key -- Stands for Re-install Windows 95. Because it's
usually a weekly ritual for most Win 95 users, why not make it
easier?
10) FDISK Key -- Microsoft's new compression utility gives you 100% data
compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, but we all know what
it really stands for.
- A
------------------------------
poster: Bosotros
subject: Like practical jokes?
date: Wed May 17 06:14:26 2000
Visit www.fakecrap.com (NO I'm not joking). These guys run a
practical joke shop and publish a weekly newletter of ideas and
practical jokes for people to play on others (and give prizes
for new and good ones)...
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: How to tick ppl off...
date: Sat May 20 16:13:35 2000
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark,
17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your
pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather
conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and
"cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with
prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands
over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across
the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green,
and insist
to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their
complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE .
21. type only in lowercase.
22 dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole
streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your
chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a
parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if
they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their
answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
- Ant, the annoying one...
------------------------------
poster: Nightfall
subject: fears men have
date: Sat May 20 16:52:27 2000
The 5 Questions Most Feared by Men Are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers
incorrectly (i.e.,tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service,
each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses:
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been
pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring,intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to
have met you." This response obviously bears no
resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the
following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy,
who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I
would be talking to you!"
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed
answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, shitloads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the
incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about
how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about
how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is
"Buy a Corvette and a Boat")
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an
hour of
follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with
pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed
WOMAN: - - - silence - -
MAN: Oh shit.
------------------------------
poster: Sleet
subject: >fears men have
date: Sat May 20 21:39:46 2000
lol
thats was funny
------------------------------
poster: Apathy
subject: Win Britney Spears' bustier!
date: Sun May 21 12:25:40 2000
http://www.rollingstone.com/sections/special/britney/default.asp
------------------------------
poster: Magneto
subject: smirk
date: Mon May 22 10:17:46 2000
Okey so I am easily amused, it's monday
http://totl.net/InstantMonkeysOnline/
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: 1500's
date: Mon May 22 18:02:26 2000
I doubt any of this is true, but it's cute:
Here are some facts about the 1500s.
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in
May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were
starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the
body odor. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man
of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the
other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of
all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose
someone in it, hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the
bath water".
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw, piled high, with no wood
underneath. it was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the
pet dogs, cats and other small animals: mice, rats & bugs - lived in
the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals
would slip and fall off the roof, hence the saying, "It's raining cats
and dogs".
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a
real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really
mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung
over the top afforded some protection. That is how canopy beds came into
existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt,
hence the saying "dirt poor".
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when
wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As
the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when you opened
the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood
was placed in
the entryway, hence a - "threshold".
They cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the
fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They
mostly ate vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the
stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and
then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had
been in there for a quite a while, hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot,
peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old".
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It
was a sign of wealth and that a man "could bring home the bacon."
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit
around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid
content caused some of the lead to contaminate the food, causing lead
poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for
the next 400 years or so tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Most people did not have pewter plates but had trenchers, a piece of
wood, with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never
washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off
wormy trenchers, one would get "trenchmouth".
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of
the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the
"upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would
sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along
the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They
were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family
would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake
up,hence the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and they started running out of places to bury
people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a
house and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, one out of 25
coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized
they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a
string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the
ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the
graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell,
thus, someone could be "saved by the bell," or was considered a "dead
ringer." Here are some facts about the 1500s.
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in
May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were
starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the
body odor. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man
of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the
other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of
all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose
someone in it, hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the
bath water".
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw, piled high, with no wood
underneath. it was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the
pet dogs, cats and other small animals: mice, rats & bugs - lived in
the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals
would slip and fall off the roof, hence the saying, "It's raining cats
and dogs".
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a
real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really
mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung
over the top afforded some protection. That is how canopy beds came into
existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt,
hence the saying "dirt poor".
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when
wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As
the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when you opened
the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood
was placed in
the entryway, hence a - "threshold".
They cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the
fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They
mostly ate vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the
stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and
then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had
been in there for a quite a while, hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot,
peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old".
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It
was a sign of wealth and that a man "could bring home the bacon."
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit
around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid
content caused some of the lead to contaminate the food, causing lead
poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for
the next 400 years or so tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Most people did not have pewter plates but had trenchers, a piece of
wood, with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never
washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off
wormy trenchers, one would get "trenchmouth".
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of
the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the
"upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would
sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along
the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They
were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family
would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake
up,hence the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and they started running out of places to bury
people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a
house and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, one out of 25
coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized
they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a
string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the
ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the
graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell,
thus, someone could be "saved by the bell," or was considered a "dead
ringer."
------------------------------
poster: Trigon
subject: 1500
date: Mon May 22 18:43:19 2000
Received that same thing in history class. Pretty sure it's
accurate, or else my teacher ran outta stuff to teach....
------------------------------
poster: Nightfall
subject: lil golf humor
date: Mon May 22 23:08:29 2000
Golfing
A fellow has a week off from work and decides to play
a round of golf every day.
First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first
round and soon catches up to the person in front. He
sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her
on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's
interested and suggests that they play the rest of the
round together. She agrees and a very close match
ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer
and she wins their little competition on the last hole.
He congratulates her in the parking lot, then offers to
give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All
in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning.
On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's
company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed
herself so much on the course for a long time. He pulls
up to her house, they kiss and she shows him her
appreciation...
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and
suggests they play together again. He's actually quite
competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the
previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying
each other's company and playing a tight competitive
round of golf. Again she beats him at the last hole,
again he drives her home and again she shows her
appreciation.
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly
every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but,
nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon
round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that
he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy
candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in
the penthouse apartment of a city hotel.
Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't
agree to this. He can't figure out what the fuss is about
but eventually she admits the reason.
"You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite."
He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the
car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with
emotion.
"I'm sorry," she repeats.
"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating
bastard. You've been playing off the women's tees all week!!"
-NF
------------------------------
poster: Nyx
subject: Not a joke, but funny as hell
date: Mon May 22 23:39:13 2000
I read this guy on a regular basis, and he says some of the funniest
stuff. Start from the begining if you can....
http://adam.diaryland.com/
Nyx
------------------------------
poster: Energystar
subject: Facts
date: Tue May 23 22:08:14 2000
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece
has memorized all 158 verses.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
The average secretary's left hand does 56% of the typing.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
Building is an American flag.
All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver
or
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the
back of the $5.00 bill
Almonds are members of the peach family.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de
los Angeles de Porciuncula". And can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its
size,"L.A."
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. Tigers have striped
skin, not just striped fur.
In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a
watch is 10:10.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home,
the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named
after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's
"It's A Wonderful Life"
A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand
corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in
the front upper right-hand corner
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme?
Paul Reiser himself.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the
creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and
O-Z, hence "Oz."
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.~
'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the
left hand.
Didn't know where else to put this one, some of it is kinda funny.
--ES
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: >Facts
date: Wed May 24 07:17:45 2000
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
Building is an American flag.
I'm holding in my hand, a Canadian two dollar bill....and uhmmm,
there's not even a parlement building on it for an American Flag to
be flying over :)
Javi
------------------------------
poster: Marvin
subject: >>Facts
date: Wed May 24 07:18:55 2000
On Wed May 24 07:17:45 2000 Javier wrote post #223:
> On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
> Building is an American flag.
>
>
> I'm holding in my hand, a Canadian two dollar bill....and uhmmm,
> there's not even a parlement building on it for an American Flag to
> be flying over :)
> Javi
Send it to me, I'll show you where it is.
-M
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: >>>Facts
date: Wed May 24 07:44:05 2000
On Wed May 24 07:18:55 2000 Marvin wrote post #224:
> On Wed May 24 07:17:45 2000 Javier wrote post #223:
> > On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
> > Building is an American flag.
> >
> >
> > I'm holding in my hand, a Canadian two dollar bill....and uhmmm,
> > there's not even a parlement building on it for an American Flag to
> > be flying over :)
> > Javi
>
> Send it to me, I'll show you where it is.
> -M
www.geocities.com/SoHo/Village/4785/twodollar.jpg
------------------------------
poster: Apathy
subject: >>Facts
date: Wed May 24 13:46:17 2000
On Wed May 24 07:17:45 2000 Javier wrote post #223:
> On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
> Building is an American flag.
>
>
> I'm holding in my hand, a Canadian two dollar bill....and uhmmm,
> there's not even a parlement building on it for an American Flag to
> be flying over :)
> Javi
I'm a little doubtful about the dragonfly one myself. If they only
lived 24 hours, it seems to me that genetics researchers would use
dragonflies instead of fruit flies.
-Apathy
------------------------------
poster: Kazulanth
subject: >>>Facts
date: Wed May 24 14:07:09 2000
On Wed May 24 13:46:17 2000 Apathy wrote post #226:
> On Wed May 24 07:17:45 2000 Javier wrote post #223:
> > On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
> > Building is an American flag.
> >
> >
> > I'm holding in my hand, a Canadian two dollar bill....and uhmmm,
> > there's not even a parlement building on it for an American Flag to
> > be flying over :)
> > Javi
>
> I'm a little doubtful about the dragonfly one myself. If they only
> lived 24 hours, it seems to me that genetics researchers would use
> dragonflies instead of fruit flies.
>
> -Apathy
The males live 24 hours to mate. The females live on to lay eggs,
and live generally about two months to ten weeks.
(Just like humans, neh? All the men want to do is have sex. And
after they do, they can die happy.)
--Kaz
------------------------------
poster: Dram
subject: tektor
date: Wed May 24 17:14:44 2000
Due to tektor saying he is not reincing again for a long time, i am
now taking bets when tektor reincs again so get your money out
people and lets make a bet.
Dram
------------------------------
------------------------------
Btw, just kidding
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Stoner Jokes
date: Wed May 24 21:04:45 2000
A stoner called the fire department and said "Come quick my house is
on fire!" The fireman asked "How do we
get there?" The stoner says "DUH, the big red truck!"
Two stoners are sitting on a porch. All of a sudden, a fire truck
drives by at about 100mph. about 5 minutes
later, one of the stoners says, "Damn, I thought they'd never leave!!!"
A stoner is standing in front of a pop machine when a man walks up
behind him. The stoner puts his money in
the machine, pushes the button, then takes the pop out and sets it
on the ground. Again, the stoner puts his
money in the machine, pushes the button, and takes the pop out of
the machine to set it on the ground. This
goes on for about 5 minutes before the man waiting to get something
to drink says, "What the HELL are you
doing?!?" The stoner turns around and says, "Duh! I'm WINNING!"
------------------------------
poster: Trancemaster
subject: >>>Facts
date: Thu May 25 02:59:02 2000
On Wed May 24 13:46:17 2000 Apathy wrote post #226:
> On Wed May 24 07:17:45 2000 Javier wrote post #223:
> > On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
> > Building is an American flag.
> >
> >
> > I'm holding in my hand, a Canadian two dollar bill....and uhmmm,
> > there's not even a parlement building on it for an American Flag to
> > be flying over :)
> > Javi
>
> I'm a little doubtful about the dragonfly one myself. If they only
> lived 24 hours, it seems to me that genetics researchers would use
> dragonflies instead of fruit flies.
>
> -Apathy
nah, they use fruitflies because thier gene string/structure is
closest to that of humans.
%^BOLD%^-- %^BLUE%^Trance%^WHITE%^ --%^RESET%^
------------------------------
poster: Wildchild
subject: >>>>Facts
date: Thu May 25 10:20:09 2000
On Thu May 25 02:59:02 2000 Trancemaster wrote post #230:
> On Wed May 24 13:46:17 2000 Apathy wrote post #226:
> > On Wed May 24 07:17:45 2000 Javier wrote post #223:
> > > On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
> > > Building is an American flag.
> > >
> > >
> > > I'm holding in my hand, a Canadian two dollar bill....and uhmmm,
> > > there's not even a parlement building on it for an American Flag to
> > > be flying over :)
> > > Javi
> >
> > I'm a little doubtful about the dragonfly one myself. If they only
> > lived 24 hours, it seems to me that genetics researchers would use
> > dragonflies instead of fruit flies.
> >
> > -Apathy
> nah, they use fruitflies because thier gene string/structure is
> closest to that of humans.
>
> %^BOLD%^-- %^BLUE%^Trance%^WHITE%^ --%^RESET%^
>
Hrm, pointless to drag this thread out, but a fruitfly is close to
humans? I thought it was because they had such a simple gene
structure. *shrug*
-WildChild
------------------------------
poster: Trancemaster
subject: >>>>>Facts
date: Fri May 26 01:16:45 2000
On Thu May 25 10:20:09 2000 Wildchild wrote post #231:
> On Thu May 25 02:59:02 2000 Trancemaster wrote post #230:
> > On Wed May 24 13:46:17 2000 Apathy wrote post #226:
> > > On Wed May 24 07:17:45 2000 Javier wrote post #223:
> > > > On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
> > > > Building is an American flag.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > I'm holding in my hand, a Canadian two dollar bill....and uhmmm,
> > > > there's not even a parlement building on it for an American Flag to
> > > > be flying over :)
> > > > Javi
> > >
> > > I'm a little doubtful about the dragonfly one myself. If they only
> > > lived 24 hours, it seems to me that genetics researchers would use
> > > dragonflies instead of fruit flies.
> > >
> > > -Apathy
> > nah, they use fruitflies because thier gene string/structure is
> > closest to that of humans.
> >
> > %^BOLD%^-- %^BLUE%^Trance%^WHITE%^ --%^RESET%^
> >
>
> Hrm, pointless to drag this thread out, but a fruitfly is close to
> humans? I thought it was because they had such a simple gene
> structure. *shrug*
>
> -WildChild
nods, it does sound wierd, but apparently thats why they are used,
they have the most genes in common with humans out of any known
organism, including chimpanzee's.
%^BOLD%^-- %^BLUE%^Trance%^WHITE%^ --%^RESET%^
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Fear Al Gore
date: Fri May 26 11:22:25 2000
''We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.''
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97
''For NASA, space is still a high priority.''
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93
''Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children.''
-- Vice President Al Gore
''The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I
mean in this century's history. But
we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.''
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95
''I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret
I have was that I didn't study Latin
harder in school so I could converse with those people.''
-- Vice President Al Gore
''It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing
it.''
-- Vice President Al Gore
''[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.''
-- Vice President Al Gore
''We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten
you on the mistakes we may or may
not have made.''
-- Vice President Al Gore
''I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom
and democracy - but that could
change.''
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98
''One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice
president, and that one word is 'to be
prepared.'''
-- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93
''Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.''
-- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96
''I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good
judgments in the future.''
-- Vice President Al Gore
''The future will be better tomorrow.''
-- Vice President Al Gore
''We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world.''
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97
''I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.''
-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
''We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a ''part'' of NATO.
We have a firm commitment to
Europe. We are a ''part'' of Europe.''
-- Vice President Al Gore
''A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to
the polls.''
-- Vice President Al Gore
''Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not
having it.''
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996
''Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts.''
-- Vice President Al Gore
''Mars is essentially in the same orbit ... Mars is somewhat the
same distance from the Sun, which
is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals,
we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is
oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can
breathe.''
-- Vice President Al Gore
''What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind
is being very wasteful. How true that
is.''
-- Vice President Al Gore
''People that are really very weird can get into sensitive
positions and have tremendous impact on
history.''
-- Vice President Al Gore
''The American people would not want to know of any misquotes
that Al Gore may or may not
make.''
-- Vice President Al Gore
------------------------------
poster: Kazulanth
subject: >>>>>>Facts
date: Fri May 26 15:06:52 2000
On Fri May 26 01:16:45 2000 Trancemaster wrote post #232:
> On Thu May 25 10:20:09 2000 Wildchild wrote post #231:
> > On Thu May 25 02:59:02 2000 Trancemaster wrote post #230:
> > > On Wed May 24 13:46:17 2000 Apathy wrote post #226:
> > > > On Wed May 24 07:17:45 2000 Javier wrote post #223:
> > > > > On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
> > > > > Building is an American flag.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > I'm holding in my hand, a Canadian two dollar bill....and uhmmm,
> > > > > there's not even a parlement building on it for an American Flag to
> > > > > be flying over :)
> > > > > Javi
> > > >
> > > > I'm a little doubtful about the dragonfly one myself. If they only
> > > > lived 24 hours, it seems to me that genetics researchers would use
> > > > dragonflies instead of fruit flies.
> > > >
> > > > -Apathy
> > > nah, they use fruitflies because thier gene string/structure is
> > > closest to that of humans.
> > >
> > > %^BOLD%^-- %^BLUE%^Trance%^WHITE%^ --%^RESET%^
> > >
> >
> > Hrm, pointless to drag this thread out, but a fruitfly is close to
> > humans? I thought it was because they had such a simple gene
> > structure. *shrug*
> >
> > -WildChild
>
> nods, it does sound wierd, but apparently thats why they are used,
> they have the most genes in common with humans out of any known
> organism, including chimpanzee's.
>
> %^BOLD%^-- %^BLUE%^Trance%^WHITE%^ --%^RESET%^
>
Fruit flies are used for the exact opposite reason: they only have
about 8 genetically linked traits and one of the shortest DNA
strands in any animal, so they are easy to keep track of mutations
in.
Plus, they will eat horse shit happily, so they're cheap to keep,
unlike rhesus monkeys and two-year-olds.
--Kaz
------------------------------
poster: Trancemaster
subject: >>>>>>>Facts
date: Sat May 27 04:24:37 2000
On Fri May 26 15:06:52 2000 Kazulanth wrote post #234:
> On Fri May 26 01:16:45 2000 Trancemaster wrote post #232:
> > On Thu May 25 10:20:09 2000 Wildchild wrote post #231:
> > > On Thu May 25 02:59:02 2000 Trancemaster wrote post #230:
> > > > On Wed May 24 13:46:17 2000 Apathy wrote post #226:
> > > > > On Wed May 24 07:17:45 2000 Javier wrote post #223:
> > > > > > On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the
Parliament
> > > > > > Building is an American flag.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > > I'm holding in my hand, a Canadian two dollar bill....and uhmmm,
> > > > > > there's not even a parlement building on it for an American Flag
to
> > > > > > be flying over :)
> > > > > > Javi
> > > > >
> > > > > I'm a little doubtful about the dragonfly one myself. If they only
> > > > > lived 24 hours, it seems to me that genetics researchers would use
> > > > > dragonflies instead of fruit flies.
> > > > >
> > > > > -Apathy
> > > > nah, they use fruitflies because thier gene string/structure is
> > > > closest to that of humans.
> > > >
> > > > %^BOLD%^-- %^BLUE%^Trance%^WHITE%^ --%^RESET%^
> > > >
> > >
> > > Hrm, pointless to drag this thread out, but a fruitfly is close to
> > > humans? I thought it was because they had such a simple gene
> > > structure. *shrug*
> > >
> > > -WildChild
> >
> > nods, it does sound wierd, but apparently thats why they are used,
> > they have the most genes in common with humans out of any known
> > organism, including chimpanzee's.
> >
> > %^BOLD%^-- %^BLUE%^Trance%^WHITE%^ --%^RESET%^
> >
>
> Fruit flies are used for the exact opposite reason: they only have
> about 8 genetically linked traits and one of the shortest DNA
> strands in any animal, so they are easy to keep track of mutations
> in.
>
> Plus, they will eat horse shit happily, so they're cheap to keep,
> unlike rhesus monkeys and two-year-olds.
>
> --Kaz
heh, I guess it depends on what you read then
%^BOLD%^-- %^BLUE%^Trance%^WHITE%^ --%^RESET%^
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: 36 things...
date: Sat May 27 05:40:31 2000
36 things women should never say to a naked man
1.Oh, it's so cute.
2.I'm so sorry.
3.I've smoked joints fatter than that.
4.Who circumcised you?
5.Why don't we just cuddle?
6.You know they have surgery to fix that.
7.You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
8.Can I paint a smiley face on that?
9.Wow, and your feet are so big.
10.My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
11.It's OK, we'll work around it.
12.Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
13.Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
14.Oh no, a flash headache!
15.My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
16.Let me go get my tweezers.
17.How sweet, you brought incense!
18.This explains your car.
19.Are you one of those pygmies?
20.All right! A treasure hunt!
21.Why is God punishing you?
22.But it still works, right?
23.Do you take steroids?
24.Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
25.Let me know when you're done.
26.Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
27.Aww, it's hiding.
28.Are you cold?
29.If you get me real drunk first.
30.Is that an optical illusion?
31.Were you neutered?
32.It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
33.Does it come with an air pump?
34.Wow, some place to put my rings.
35.Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
36.So this is why I'm supposed to judge people on personality.
- a
------------------------------
poster: Sleet
subject: >>>>>>>>Facts
date: Sat May 27 21:44:36 2000
On Sat May 27 04:24:37 2000 Trancemaster wrote post #235:
> On Fri May 26 15:06:52 2000 Kazulanth wrote post #234:
> > On Fri May 26 01:16:45 2000 Trancemaster wrote post #232:
> > > On Thu May 25 10:20:09 2000 Wildchild wrote post #231:
> > > > On Thu May 25 02:59:02 2000 Trancemaster wrote post #230:
> > > > > On Wed May 24 13:46:17 2000 Apathy wrote post #226:
> > > > > > On Wed May 24 07:17:45 2000 Javier wrote post #223:
> > > > > > > On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the
> Parliament
> > > > > > > Building is an American flag.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > I'm holding in my hand, a Canadian two dollar bill....and uhmmm,
> > > > > > > there's not even a parlement building on it for an American Flag
> to
> > > > > > > be flying over :)
> > > > > > > Javi
> > > > > >
> > > > > > I'm a little doubtful about the dragonfly one myself. If they
only
> > > > > > lived 24 hours, it seems to me that genetics researchers would use
> > > > > > dragonflies instead of fruit flies.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > -Apathy
> > > > > nah, they use fruitflies because thier gene string/structure is
> > > > > closest to that of humans.
> > > > >
> > > > > %^BOLD%^-- %^BLUE%^Trance%^WHITE%^ --%^RESET%^
> > > > >
> > > >
> > > > Hrm, pointless to drag this thread out, but a fruitfly is close to
> > > > humans? I thought it was because they had such a simple gene
> > > > structure. *shrug*
> > > >
> > > > -WildChild
> > >
> > > nods, it does sound wierd, but apparently thats why they are used,
> > > they have the most genes in common with humans out of any known
> > > organism, including chimpanzee's.
> > >
> > > %^BOLD%^-- %^BLUE%^Trance%^WHITE%^ --%^RESET%^
> > >
> >
> > Fruit flies are used for the exact opposite reason: they only have
> > about 8 genetically linked traits and one of the shortest DNA
> > strands in any animal, so they are easy to keep track of mutations
> > in.
> >
> > Plus, they will eat horse shit happily, so they're cheap to keep,
> > unlike rhesus monkeys and two-year-olds.
> >
> > --Kaz
>
> heh, I guess it depends on what you read then
>
> %^BOLD%^-- %^BLUE%^Trance%^WHITE%^ --%^RESET%^
>
nah you can get a two yearold to eat anything
doesnt matter what the kids read
-sleet
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: >>>>>>>>Facts
date: Sun May 28 19:03:14 2000
On Sat May 27 04:24:37 2000 Trancemaster wrote post #235:
> On Fri May 26 15:06:52 2000 Kazulanth wrote post #234:
> > On Fri May 26 01:16:45 2000 Trancemaster wrote post #232:
> > > On Thu May 25 10:20:09 2000 Wildchild wrote post #231:
> > > > On Thu May 25 02:59:02 2000 Trancemaster wrote post #230:
> > > > > On Wed May 24 13:46:17 2000 Apathy wrote post #226:
> > > > > > On Wed May 24 07:17:45 2000 Javier wrote post #223:
> > > > > > > On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the
> Parliament
> > > > > > > Building is an American flag.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > I'm holding in my hand, a Canadian two dollar bill....and uhmmm,
> > > > > > > there's not even a parlement building on it for an American Flag
> to
> > > > > > > be flying over :)
> > > > > > > Javi
> > > > > >
> > > > > > I'm a little doubtful about the dragonfly one myself. If they
only
> > > > > > lived 24 hours, it seems to me that genetics researchers would use
> > > > > > dragonflies instead of fruit flies.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > -Apathy
> > > > > nah, they use fruitflies because thier gene string/structure is
> > > > > closest to that of humans.
> > > > >
> > > > > %^BOLD%^-- %^BLUE%^Trance%^WHITE%^ --%^RESET%^
> > > > >
> > > >
> > > > Hrm, pointless to drag this thread out, but a fruitfly is close to
> > > > humans? I thought it was because they had such a simple gene
> > > > structure. *shrug*
> > > >
> > > > -WildChild
> > >
> > > nods, it does sound wierd, but apparently thats why they are used,
> > > they have the most genes in common with humans out of any known
> > > organism, including chimpanzee's.
> > >
> > > %^BOLD%^-- %^BLUE%^Trance%^WHITE%^ --%^RESET%^
> > >
> >
> > Fruit flies are used for the exact opposite reason: they only have
> > about 8 genetically linked traits and one of the shortest DNA
> > strands in any animal, so they are easy to keep track of mutations
> > in.
> >
> > Plus, they will eat horse shit happily, so they're cheap to keep,
> > unlike rhesus monkeys and two-year-olds.
> >
> > --Kaz
>
> heh, I guess it depends on what you read then
>
> %^BOLD%^-- %^BLUE%^Trance%^WHITE%^ --%^RESET%^
>
Two year olds will eat horse shit
Mix.
------------------------------
poster: Frogmann
subject: >Ahhaha!
date: Wed May 31 22:49:12 2000
On Sun Mar 12 12:38:16 2000 Ant wrote post #113:
> This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship
> with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
> Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
>
> Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a
> collision.
>
> Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a
> collision.
>
> Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
> South to avoid a collision.
>
> Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
> course.
>
> Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
>
> Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP
> IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
> DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU
> CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES
> NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS
> SHIP.
>
> Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!
>
> - Ant
>
I researched this. Its a myth. If you need me to support
this...please, do 15 sec. of research yourself. IE: Carrier Group
sizes.
MIDN Froggie
------------------------------
poster: Apathy
subject: >>Ahhaha!
date: Wed May 31 22:57:37 2000
On Wed May 31 22:49:12 2000 Frogmann wrote post #239:
> On Sun Mar 12 12:38:16 2000 Ant wrote post #113:
> > This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship
> > with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
> > Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
> >
> > Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a
> > collision.
> >
> > Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to
avoid a
> > collision.
> >
> > Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
> > South to avoid a collision.
> >
> > Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
> > course.
> >
> > Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
> >
> > Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP
> > IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
> > DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU
> > CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES
> > NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS
> > SHIP.
> >
> > Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!
> >
> > - Ant
> >
> I researched this. Its a myth. If you need me to support
> this...please, do 15 sec. of research yourself. IE: Carrier Group
> sizes.
> MIDN Froggie
It took you 2 and a half months to do 15 seconds of research? ;)
-Apathy
------------------------------
poster: Frogmann
subject: >Test
date: Wed May 31 23:09:56 2000
On Wed Mar 29 12:08:24 2000 Javier wrote post #140:
> The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether
> you are truly a "professional."
> Scroll down for the answer. The questions are not that
> difficult.
>
> 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the
> giraffe
> and close the door.
> This question tests whether you tend
> to do simple things in an
> overly complicated way.
>
>
> 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Wrong Answer : Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and
> close the refrigerator.
> Correct Answer : Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe,
> put in the elephant and close the door.
> This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of
> your actions.
>
>
> 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the
> animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the
> refrigerator.
> This tests your memory.
>
>
> OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions
> correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
>
>
>
>
> 4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by
> crocodiles. How do you manage it?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Correct Answer: You swim across.
> All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting! This tests
> whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
>
>
>
>
> According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
> professionals they tested got all questions wrong.
>
>
> But many preschoolers got several correct answers.
>
> Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory
> that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
Hrm, my answers were chainsaw, chainsaw, me, LCM.
Methinks I need to lay off the grunt stuff for a while =)
Froggie
------------------------------
poster: Frogmann
subject: >>>>>>>Facts
date: Thu Jun 1 00:01:50 2000
On Fri May 26 15:06:52 2000 Kazulanth wrote post #234:
> On Fri May 26 01:16:45 2000 Trancemaster wrote post #232:
> > On Thu May 25 10:20:09 2000 Wildchild wrote post #231:
> > > On Thu May 25 02:59:02 2000 Trancemaster wrote post #230:
> > > > On Wed May 24 13:46:17 2000 Apathy wrote post #226:
> > > > > On Wed May 24 07:17:45 2000 Javier wrote post #223:
> > > > > > On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the
Parliament
> > > > > > Building is an American flag.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > > I'm holding in my hand, a Canadian two dollar bill....and uhmmm,
> > > > > > there's not even a parlement building on it for an American Flag
to
> > > > > > be flying over :)
> > > > > > Javi
> > > > >
> > > > > I'm a little doubtful about the dragonfly one myself. If they only
> > > > > lived 24 hours, it seems to me that genetics researchers would use
> > > > > dragonflies instead of fruit flies.
> > > > >
> > > > > -Apathy
> > > > nah, they use fruitflies because thier gene string/structure is
> > > > closest to that of humans.
> > > >
> > > > %^BOLD%^-- %^BLUE%^Trance%^WHITE%^ --%^RESET%^
> > > >
> > >
> > > Hrm, pointless to drag this thread out, but a fruitfly is close to
> > > humans? I thought it was because they had such a simple gene
> > > structure. *shrug*
> > >
> > > -WildChild
> >
> > nods, it does sound wierd, but apparently thats why they are used,
> > they have the most genes in common with humans out of any known
> > organism, including chimpanzee's.
> >
> > %^BOLD%^-- %^BLUE%^Trance%^WHITE%^ --%^RESET%^
> >
>
> Fruit flies are used for the exact opposite reason: they only have
> about 8 genetically linked traits and one of the shortest DNA
> strands in any animal, so they are easy to keep track of mutations
> in.
>
> Plus, they will eat horse shit happily, so they're cheap to keep,
> unlike rhesus monkeys and two-year-olds.
>
> --Kaz
Heh, you and I have different child rearing strategies apparently =)
Froggie
------------------------------
poster: Sleet
subject: >>>Ahhaha!
date: Thu Jun 1 21:51:14 2000
On Wed May 31 22:57:37 2000 Apathy wrote post #240:
> On Wed May 31 22:49:12 2000 Frogmann wrote post #239:
> > On Sun Mar 12 12:38:16 2000 Ant wrote post #113:
> > > This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
ship
> > > with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
> > > Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
> > >
> > > Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a
> > > collision.
> > >
> > > Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to
> avoid a
> > > collision.
> > >
> > > Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the
> > > South to avoid a collision.
> > >
> > > Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR
> > > course.
> > >
> > > Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
> > >
> > > Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
> SHIP
> > > IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
> > > DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU
> > > CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE
DEGREES
> > > NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF
THIS
> > > SHIP.
> > >
> > > Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!
> > >
> > > - Ant
> > >
> > I researched this. Its a myth. If you need me to support
> > this...please, do 15 sec. of research yourself. IE: Carrier Group
> > sizes.
> > MIDN Froggie
>
> It took you 2 and a half months to do 15 seconds of research? ;)
>
> -Apathy
Its a joke who cares?
-sleet
------------------------------
poster: Basketball
subject: Funny Story
date: Thu Jun 1 23:13:33 2000
Me and my friends were filming an action movie today, and I was the
best at kicks so they made me the star.
Well, I began one scene with a jumpkick to my friend Steve's Stomach.
I was supposed to tap in with my toe and twist away, but I messed on
my jump...
and then I heard Steve scream, " MY GOD MY BALLLLLS!!!!!!!!!!!"
------------------------------
poster: Nyx
subject: >Funny Story
date: Fri Jun 2 01:11:06 2000
On Thu Jun 1 23:13:33 2000 Basketball wrote post #244:
> Me and my friends were filming an action movie today, and I was the
> best at kicks so they made me the star.
> Well, I began one scene with a jumpkick to my friend Steve's Stomach.
> I was supposed to tap in with my toe and twist away, but I messed on
> my jump...
> and then I heard Steve scream, " MY GOD MY BALLLLLS!!!!!!!!!!!"
Hmm....so I will laugh when it gets funny....
Nyx
------------------------------
poster: Trigon
subject: Doctor
date: Fri Jun 2 08:51:18 2000
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a
check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt
pocket and tried to 'write' with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with
annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great...
some asshole's got my pen."
------------------------------
poster: Trigon
subject: Heh
date: Fri Jun 2 08:55:33 2000
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the
physician that her husband had developed a penchant for
anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.
The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
She said no.
The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason
that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you
like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get
pregnant from anal sex?"
The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think
lawyers come from?"
------------------------------
poster: Frogmann
subject: >>>>Ahhaha!
date: Fri Jun 2 22:44:26 2000
It wasn't presented as a joke, Sleet, but a funny incident...I was
informing that this was, in fact, a joke, and not an actual event.
Gruntmann
------------------------------
poster: Trigon
subject: Story
date: Sat Jun 3 11:41:20 2000
Peter Johnson loves the All In One restaurant in Brighton, England.
A lot. He not only eats there five days a week, he had the
restaurant's name and phone number tattooed on his forehead. All In
One's owner Nasser Bandar says he doesn't give Johnson free food,
"because he did it on his own free will.
But whenever he comes in, he'll go straight to the front of the
queue." Johnson, 49, says the tattoo is no big deal. "Some people,
including my family, think I am crazy. But I like tattoos, so why
not?"
When you think there is no one out there that are dumber than your
relatives. Think again. :)
When the Tennessee-based Cracker Barrel
restaurant chain ran a promotion to give free books to libraries,
customers thought it was a great idea. The libraries are a little less
enthusiastic. The Gilbert, Ariz., library, for instance, isn't sure
what to do with the 11,796 copies of a preschool book, 1,000 copies of
"Quick and Easy Pasta" and 200 copies of "How To Use Microsoft Windows
95" it received.
"We can find a creative way of doing something with
the children's books," said county library director Harry Courtright,
"but Windows 95 is of no value to anybody." The restaurant chain said
it did not get a chance to review the titles. It didn't say what it
would do to make up for the useless gifts.
Last one
"They are anarchists and they want the royal family
dismantled," warns London's police chief, Sir John Stevens. "I think
one of the royal family could be at risk." Yes, admits the group
Movement Against the Monarchy, they're going to target the queen -- for
a mass public "mooning" outside Buckingham Palace. "We want 2,000 bare
butts" pointed at the queen, a MAM spokesman said, adding that it would
be a "cheeky" way to get publicity.
Just a little post to make you realize there are dumber people out
there than you think.
Be afraid....
Trigon
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: 17 things...
date: Sat Jun 3 12:58:41 2000
THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A TEXAN SAY, NO MATTER
HOW MUCH THEY'VE HAD TO DRINK...
"Honey, we don't need another dog."
"I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex."
"Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
"We don't keep firearms in the house."
"No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe."
"Wrasslin's fake."
"Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace."
"We're vegetarians."
"No, I'll pass on the biscuits and gravy."
"Spittin is such a nasty habit."
"I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today."
"Trim the fat off that steak."
"The tires on that truck are too big."
"I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."
"Checkmate."
"Those shorts outta be a little longer, darlin'"
"Nope, no more for me, I'm drivin'"
- Ant ducks to dodge all the bottles thrown at him
------------------------------
poster: Magneto
subject: >17 things...
date: Sat Jun 3 21:01:59 2000
On Sat Jun 3 12:58:41 2000 Ant wrote post #250:
> THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A TEXAN SAY, NO MATTER
> HOW MUCH THEY'VE HAD TO DRINK...
>
> "Honey, we don't need another dog."
> "I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex."
> "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
> "We don't keep firearms in the house."
> "No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe."
> "Wrasslin's fake."
> "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace."
> "We're vegetarians."
> "No, I'll pass on the biscuits and gravy."
> "Spittin is such a nasty habit."
> "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today."
> "Trim the fat off that steak."
> "The tires on that truck are too big."
> "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."
> "Checkmate."
> "Those shorts outta be a little longer, darlin'"
> "Nope, no more for me, I'm drivin'"
>
> - Ant ducks to dodge all the bottles thrown at him
>
Well the zima one is right anyway.
so as a response:
You will never from a Fin:
We won the hockey game
No vodka, I'll take some water
and last but not least
(female) wow thats big
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: >>17 things...
date: Sun Jun 4 14:50:18 2000
>Well the zima one is right anyway.
>so as a response:
>You will never from a Fin:
>We won the hockey game
>No vodka, I'll take some water
>and last but not least
>(female) wow thats big
We HAVE won quite a bit of hockey games mind you...
and we prefer Koskenkorva instead of vodka...
and as far as the last remark goes, they do
say that, alas, it's usually when they look at
our huge beer bellies... ;)
- Ant grabs his stomach and squishes it a bit...
------------------------------
poster: Nightfall
subject: Bull
date: Mon Jun 5 00:25:31 2000
Since we're on the topic...
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family
ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial
trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette
balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to
another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells
her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact
you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull,
and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it
for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send
her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph
office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that
I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our
pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph
operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99
cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1
left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send
her the word, 'comfortable'."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever
going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck
and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the
word, ' comfortable'"?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow.
Come -- for -- da -- bull."
-NF
------------------------------
poster: Nightfall
subject: Headlines
date: Mon Jun 5 00:32:10 2000
The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers...
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO,
EXCELLENT
CONDITION $6800
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT - $15
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED *************CALL CHUBBIE
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT..BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT. <- Personal Favorite, ded. to Pavs and Dirk
AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND
FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
-NF
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: You know...
date: Wed Jun 7 10:23:52 2000
You know you worked during the 90's if...
You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for 3 different
organizations.
Your resume is in a diskette in your pocket.
You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
You learn about your layoff on the news.
Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the
developing countries' gross national products combined.
It's dark when you drive to and from work.
Communication is something your section is having problems with.
You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
Being sick is defined as "can't walk" or "in the hospital."
You're already late on the work task you just got.
You work 200 hours for a $100 bonus check.
"Vacation" is something you roll over to next year, or a check you get every
January.
Your relatives and family describe your job as "working with computers".
Your business cards are no longer correct just a month after you receive
them.
You have every "Cup-A-Soup" brand known to man in your desk drawer.
You have no hobbies that do not involve an electronic device.
During any outside-of-work event that vaguely resembles a social activity,
your co-workers outnumber your family members.
You must fill in your own job performance evaluations and target goals
because no one else really knows what you do anyway. Besides,
the Human Resources Department was outsourced last month.
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you've lost your best jokes.
You read this entire list and understood it.
- A
------------------------------
poster: Tantrum
subject: bumper stickers for women.
date: Sat Jun 10 04:35:25 2000
> > > WOMAN'S BUMPER STICKERS...> > >
> > > 1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
> > > 2. GOD MADE US SISTERS; PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
> > > 3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
> > > 4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
> > > 5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES,
> > > SEEKS FROG.
> > > 6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. . . SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER> > > RICH.
> > > 7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.
> > > 8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
> > > 9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
> > > 10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN-AND I HAVE A GUN.
> > > 11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?
> > > 12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.> > > 13. AND YOUR POINT IS...?
> > > 14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
> > > 15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST> > > TIME.
> > > 16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
> > > 17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
> > > 18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
> > > 19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
> > > 20. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.
hehe thought that was pretty funny..
Tanty
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: For Aleila - chocolate vs sex
date: Sun Jun 11 02:06:05 2000
You can get chocolate anytime you want it.
Good chocolate is easy to find.
You don't have to beg for chocolate.
With chocolate, you don't have to fake satisfaction.
You can safely have chocolate while driving.
You can have chocolate on your desk without upsetting your work-mates
You can have chocolate any time of the month.
Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty
names
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to
You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle
You can have chocolate all weekend and still walk okay on Monday
Chocolate satisfies, even when it has gone soft
Chocolate doesn't keep you awake talking after you've had it
If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolate doesn't mind
With chocolate, size doesn't matter, it's always good
You are never too old or too young for chocolate
You can have chocolate with little kids and not have to go to jail
You can ask a stranger for chocolate and not get your face slapped
You can have chocolate in front of your mother
The best reason is - chocolate doesn't make you pregnant
------------------------------
poster: Mirrim
subject: The Phone Call
date: Sun Jun 11 02:31:26 2000
A man's wife drives to town to do some shopping. After a long while
he receives a phone call. It's a doctor from the hospital, telling
him his wife has been in a terrible accident. "I have some bad news
and some good news" says the doctor. The man say, "What's the bad
news?" The doctor says, "Your wife will never walk again, you will
have to feed her and she has no control of her bodily functions and
it will probably cost you all the money you make, for the rest of
your life, to care for her." The man says, "My God! What could
possibly be the good news!?" The doctor says, "I was just
kidding!......She's dead!"
------------------------------
poster: Nightfall
subject: I enjoyed it...
date: Wed Jun 14 01:32:27 2000
One of the greatest comeback lines of 2000...
Note: This is an exact reproduction of National Public Radio (NPR) interview
between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to
sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach
these young boys when they visit your base?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and
shooting."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised
on the rifle
range."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly
Dangerous activity
to be teaching children?"
GENERAL REINWALD: " don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "but you're equipping them to become violent killers."
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not
one, are you?"
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
-NF
------------------------------
poster: Amerzar
subject: Demon slicer
date: Thu Jun 15 03:11:19 2000
Wanted: more people to kill jark, because many people want to see
demon slicers for sale.
- amerzar, who wants to get rid of his dagger of phantom -
------------------------------
poster: Amerzar
subject: sorry
date: Thu Jun 15 03:13:12 2000
Sorry, that supposed to go to sales...
- amerzar, who shames what he did...-
------------------------------
poster: Slip
subject: Cats and Dogs
date: Fri Jun 16 01:20:14 2000
The discussion on cats reminded me of this.
What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What is a Dog?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture
in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't
listen to you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a
kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
------------------------------
poster: Slip
subject: Special effort
date: Fri Jun 16 01:29:35 2000
In Melbourne one of the radio stations pay money, ($100-500), for people
to tell their most embarrassing stories. This morning's one netted the
proud owner $300 AUD. As the lady said. I was due later that week for an
appointment with the gynaecologist when early one morning I received a
call from his office that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at
09:30. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was
around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about thirty
five minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do I'm
sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such
visits but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.
So I rushed up stairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the flannel and
gave myself a wash in front of the basin taking extra care to make sure I
was presentable. Threw the flannel in the wash basket, donned some
clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the
waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the
procedure as I'm sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at
the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other
place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he
said, "my.. we have taken a little extra effort this morning haven't we?".
The appointment over I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest
of the day went as normal, some shopping, cleaning the evening meal
etc.... At 8:30 that evening my 18 year old daughter was fixing to go to
a school dance when she called down from the bathroom, "Mum - where's my
flannel?". I called back for her to get another from the linen cupboard,
she called back "No - I need my one that was here by the basin - It had
all my glitter and sparkles in it".
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Something for Snoop
date: Sun Jun 18 18:06:11 2000
http://qrd.tcp.com/qrd/religion/judeochristian/protes
antism/mormon/mormon-masturbation
- Ant laughs demonically
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: goddamnit...
date: Sun Jun 18 18:07:19 2000
http://qrd.tcp.com/qrd/religion/judeochristian
/protestantism/mormon/mormon-masturbation
goddamn linewrap...
- Ant the bad poster
------------------------------
poster: Trigon
subject: >goddamnit...
date: Sun Jun 18 20:40:06 2000
think %^YELLOW%^I got a TOCK%^RESET%^
Hrm, first off I noted that wish was spelled whish, and that certain
words had _bla_ underscored around them. I am a mormon myself, and
while some things mentioned are probably true ideas, there seem to
be some that have been changed. I'm not so sure about the all the
captials. So you can believe this if you want, because everything
you read on the internet is true. And of course, the pages must
have been stuck together.
Puuh
Trigon
------------------------------
poster: Magneto
subject: science
date: Fri Jun 23 10:04:49 2000
Here's another take on scientific logic (allegedly a true story):
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the
University of Copenhagen: "Describe how to determine the height of a
skyscraper with a barometer." One student replied: "You tie a long
piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the
barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length
of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height
of the building." This highly original answer so incensed the
examiner that the student was failed immediately.
The student appealed on the grounds his answer was indisputably
correct, and the university hired an independent arbiter to decide
the case. The arbiter decided that the answer was indeed correct,
but did not display any knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem
it was necessary to call the student in and allow him six minutes in
which to give a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal
familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes
the student in sat silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter
reminded him that time was running out, to which he replied that he
had several extremely relevant answers, but did not make up his mind
which to use.
On being advised to hurry up student replied as follows: "You could
take the barometer up to the roof of the drop it over the edge,
measure the time it takes to hit the ground. The height of the
building can then be worked out the formula H = 0.5g x t squared.
But bad luck on the barometer." "Or if the sun is shining you could
measure the height of the barometer then set it on end and measure
the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the
skyscraper's shadow, and it is a simple matter of proportional
arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper." "If you wanted
to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of
string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at
ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is
worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T
= 2 pi sqr root (l /g)." "Or if the skyscraper has an outside
emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off
the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them
up." "If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of
course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on
the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the
difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the
building." "But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise
independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the
best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If
you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you
tell me the height of this skyscraper'."
The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel Prize for Physics
------------------------------
poster: Trigon
subject: Sin
date: Fri Jun 23 22:17:17 2000
The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me,
Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day
I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how
beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said,
"My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply
a mistake."
------------------------------
poster: Nightfall
subject: Crying Husband
date: Fri Jun 23 23:12:08 2000
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their
bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.
She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband.
Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the
basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.
"What's wrong with you?" she asked him. "Remember when your father caught us
fooling around when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember, he
said, I had two
choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison."
Baffled, she said, "yes, I remember. So?" "I would have gotten out today!!!!
-NF
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: 10 things...
date: Sun Jun 25 06:08:22 2000
10 things only women understand
<
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>
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow - HUH??
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
1. OTHER WOMEN.
- Ant steps off his soapbox, puts it on fire and hurls it at all the
women, while ducking all the tampons thrown at him!
------------------------------
poster: Trigon
subject: Movie Rating
date: Mon Jun 26 09:49:44 2000
Movie Rating System Explained:
G: Nobody Gets The Girl.
PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.
PG-13: The Good Guy Gets The Girl -- Twice.
R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.
NC-17: The Girl Gets a Girl.
X: Everybody Gets The Girl.
Tri
------------------------------
poster: Basketball
subject: Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride
date: Mon Jun 26 20:37:08 2000
I found this funny.
In the opening credits, Sparky (Stan's Gay Dog) is supposed to be
George Clooney.
I find that funny.
Mike
------------------------------
poster: Aleila
subject: You gotta see this
date: Tue Jun 27 06:19:23 2000
www.freeyellow.com/members8/secretcabal
------------------------------
poster: Basketball
subject: What I've got.
date: Tue Jun 27 12:24:43 2000
A man walks into a bar and rushes the bartender for 21 shots of Liqour.
The bartender pours them and the man drinks them just as fast as the
bartender pours them!
The bartender says, "How can you drink so fast?"
The man replies, "You'd drink as fast as me if you knew what I have."
The bartender gasps in astonishment and says, "What do you have?"
The man smiles wrily and replies, "50 cents."
------------------------------
poster: Basketball
subject: Vegas
date: Tue Jun 27 13:10:12 2000
A man wakes up one morning and here's this voice. It says, "Sell
your house, take your money, go to Vegas."
He ignores it, goes to work, then it does the same thing. He ignores it again.
After a week it's there every minute of the day! So he sells his
house, takes all his money, and flies to Vegas.
When he gets there the voice says, "Go to Caesars."
He does.
The voice says, "Go to the Roulette Table"
He does.
The Voice says, "Put all your money on Red 23."
He does.
It lands on Black 17.
The voice says, "Fuck"
------------------------------
poster: Basketball
subject: Vegas and Atlantic City
date: Tue Jun 27 13:12:32 2000
The difference betwwen the 2 is like this.
Would you either get Conned by a Beautiful Call Girl (Vegas) or
Mugged by a Crack Head (Atlantic City)?
------------------------------
poster: Ringmaster
subject: >Vegas
date: Tue Jun 27 13:13:26 2000
Get some good jokes.
------------------------------
poster: Basketball
subject: Flying
date: Tue Jun 27 13:25:27 2000
The Pilot gets on the Comm and announces the regular.
Afterwards, forgetting to turn it off, he turns to his Co-Pilot and
says, "I'm gonna go take a big healthy shit then bang that Pretty
Blonde Stuartess."
The announcement went all over the plane.
The Blond screams, "Oh My God!!!" and runs for the front of the plane.
An old lady stops her and says, "Relax. He's taking a shit beforehand."
------------------------------
poster: Athena
subject: for July 4th
date: Tue Jun 27 14:21:21 2000
I'm glad i had a daughter:P
About 2 weeks ago, I was looking around the Web for the biggest sky
rocket that I could get shipped to me via common freight carrier. I
located a fireworks importer in Wisconsin who had this mondo sky
rocket-biggest thing I had ever seen-called a SkyDragon. These things
are 48 inches tall and are mounted on a 1/2-inch wooden dowel. Pure
aerospace engineering.
I plopped down a bunch of money and had him send me two cases of
these things. They arrived at the freight dock a few days ago and I had
to drive the van over to pick them up. Two boxes each 2 feet by 2 feet
by 4 feet in size containing 80 rockets each. The 'Class 4 Explosives'
sticker on the side of each box was a real bonus. I am gonna have to
save them for the scrapbook.
That night, me and the kiddos had a gen-u-ine rocket launch ceremony.
I placed one of these beauties in a liter-size glass bottle and the
bottle
fell over. Hmmmm- this thing was waaaaay too big. I looked around the
shop for a pipe to set it in, but realized that the only dirt I could
drive
the pipe into was in plain sight of my neighbor's house. I knew he was a
cool guy, but I didn't want him to call the cops. You see,
projectile-type
fireworks are totally illegal in this county. I was surprised that the
Buncombe County Sheriff Department wasn't waiting for me at the
loading dock when I picked these things up.
Anyhow, I finally rigged a launch pad by prying up one of the driveway
drain grates with a crowbar and sitting the stick into the deep pit.
Looked sorta like an ICBM silo with its hardened lid slid aside.
I asked which of my three kids wanted to light the fuse, but all took a
few steps back and politely declined. Chickenshits. Kids just aren't
made
the same nowadays. They fulfill their danger quotient by shooting bad
guys in video games. About as far from real danger as you can get, if
you
ask me. I told the little weenies to stand back as I bent to light the
device with a Bic lighter.
The lady at the fireworks importer promised me that these things would
not make any noise. I told her that they had to be relatively quiet so I
could shoot them off in my neighborhood without causing 'undue alarm'.
She said I wouldn't have any problem. I emphasized the particular legal
problems I would have if there were any type of loud report at apogee. I
emphasized the fact that I lived right next to a National Park and that
any type of firework that was discharged or assumed to be discharged on
that property would get me sent before a federal judge right before I
got
sent to the county judge. She again assured me I would have no
problem.
That lying bitch.
That rocket engine had a burn time about as long as any I had ever
seen, and the ascent echoed off the surrounding trees. Diamond shock
pattern extended from the back end. It kept going and going and going.
When it hit apogee at about 1000 feet, the rocket disintegrated into a
huge shower of silent red sparks. Pretty cool, I thought ... until the
shower of sparks burned out and suddenly transformed into a cloud of
extremely bright and loud explosions. The kids scrambled into the back
door 'Three Stooges' style (ie: where all three try to get through the
same closed door at once) and left me standing in the smoking haze
waiting for the cops to arrive.
The dogs that live along our street were all barking their heads off at
the
apparition they had just witnessed in the night sky.
That ended the fireworks test for the night.
The next day, my oldest son Doug and I decided we were gonna neuter
one of the rockets so it wouldn't make any noise. I took him into the
the
closet where I store the gardening tools and he saw these two huge
cases of fireworks standing there. The kid went nuts. He wanted to open
both boxes so he could see what all 159 rockets looked like lined up
next
to each other. This kid has promise. I told him: "Since mom only thinks
I
have a few of these things lying around, maybe that wasn't such a good
idea." He mulled that over for a few seconds, then gave me a real big
smile in agreement.
We pulled one of the rockets out of the box and re-locked the closet
door. He and I both sat down on the driveway and proceeded to take it
apart.
It was a standard issue big-ass Chinese sky rocket. I bet they used
these to kill people 500 years ago. As I sat there taking layer after
layer
of paper off, his brain was filling with the details of construction.
Tissue, cardboard, plastic, fuses... etc. Realizing that he was mentally
storing the design for some future project sorta made me shudder. All
was thinking was the fact that this thing was probably put together by a
political prisoner in a hellhole somewhere who is probably gonna get
executed so they can sell his internal organs on the transplant
market.
Probably not too far from the facts, but I managed to do a bit of
explaining to him from the standpoint of aerospace engineering regarding
how the thing worked. Doug is probably the only 4th grader in the U.S.
who can now describe the principle of thrust using a control volume
model.
The rocket was pretty simple. It had a very large booster engine topped
with a warhead that contained the red sparkly things that exploded.
Removing the warhead was as simple as giving a quick twist, and I
assumed the neutered rocket would fly higher without the payload.
I was correct.
Doug and I did a daylight 'stealth' test and were able to add about 50%
to the altitude attained the previous night We decided to modify four
more rockets and put them aside in the closet for easy access. When
this was done, Doug had a jar full of stuff that came out of the
warheads
including: 12 fuses about 3-inches long each, some paper, 4 plastic
nosecones and a big handful of these little black balls about the size
of
12-gauge buckshot that turned out to be the 'red sparkly popper
thingies'. It appeared that the outer layer was a simple gunpowder
coating designed to quickly burn off as red shower of sparks. I surmised
that the inner core had some kind of magnesium thermite that gave off
off
an intense white light and a loud bang. Pretty cool if you ask me. Lots
of
energy packed into one teeny little ball.
I didn't want to see the popper thingies go to waste, so I told Doug we
were gonna put them in a hole in the ground and set them off. He gave
me another big smile.
It's amazing how kids think alike...even when separated by 30 years.
As I was digging a shallow hole with my hand, Doug asked if it would be
alright to put an army man next to these things so that "When they go
off, it would look like he was getting shot with a machine gun".
Dang....exactly what I was thinking.
I agreed and he ran off to his room to dig something out of the mess. He
returned in about 3 seconds, out of breath and holding a cheap plastic
imitation of Robert E. Lee on horseback and a Civil War cannon. I
pointed
out that they didn't have true machine guns in the Civil War, but we
would overlook this for the purpose of the demonstration. He handed me
the action figure and I placed it and the cannon next to a rather large
pile of black beads from which a few of the fuses extended.
I figured that three inches of fuse would take 2 seconds to burn, so I
had
at least that amount of time to stand up and take a few steps back. I
neglected to recount the night before... when the warhead ignited
ignited
immediately upon reaching apogee.
Tricky Chinese.
They had installed extremely fast-burning fuse in these things and that
fact totally escaped me. I squatted next to Robert Lee and gave a short
eulogy. Doug laughed. I took the trusty Bic lighter and placed it next
to
the fuse. One flick got the lighter going and THIS IMAGE IS ONE I WILL
REMEMBER FOR A LONG TIME....... my hand holding a lighter next to a pile
of explosives!!!!
There is usually a short but noticeable mental pause that occurs
immediately before something bad or really stupid happens. It is where
that little voice in your head says: You dumbass.
The fuse burn time was in the 1/1000ths of a second range. The pile of
little popper thingies immediately ignited into a tremendously
brilliant ball
of fire. All I could think was... ...th....th.....thermite...
Unfortunately, when they are viewed at ground level, these little popper
thingies become really big popper thingies and have a tendency to jump
up to 15-feet in every direction from their point of ignition. I
instantaneously became engulfed in a ball of fire that sounded a lot
like
being in a half-done bag of Orville Redenbacher's popcorn.
It was all over about as fast as I could can snap my finger.
After the smoke cleared, Doug started laughing his butt off. That meant
I
was still in one piece. Doug does not laugh at dismembered limbs.
He said I jumped about 10-feet, an action that I do not remember. I
checked my clothes for burn marks, and found none. He checked my back
to make sure it was not on fire. No combustion there. The driveway was
peppered with black holes where the concrete had been scarred from
these things.
A close one. Another real close one. My mind ran the tapes again to
re-hash what it had seen. All I remembered was being inside something
akin to a 30-foot diameter ... flaming dandelion. Whew.
We examined Ol' Robert E. at ground, Instead of a machine-gun
peppering, he got nuked. He and the horse he rode in on ... and his
cannon too. One side was untouched, but the other side was
arc-welded. Real warfare. Doug examined it real quiet-like and then
started laughing again.
I assume he will remember the finer points of the lesson as he grows
older. When I now speak of 'almost being burned beyond recognition' he
will have a slightly better understanding of what I mean. I hope that
this
vivid image tempers the knowledge he now has regarding rocket
construction.
Oh, well. After all, if your dad isn't gonna teach you how to get your
ass
blown off, who will?
This is long but worth it hehehhehe Thanks Magneto
------------------------------
poster: Jeckel
subject: Robot Frank
date: Tue Jun 27 19:51:23 2000
you have to check this page out - http:/www.robotfrank.com
------------------------------
poster: Basketball
subject: You know you suck when.....
date: Tue Jun 27 23:03:08 2000
You know you suck when......
A stunning blow is a Nudge to a 136exp monsie.
Your only parties usually involve people who suck even more than you.
You can't stop annoying the wizards.
type "basketball" you suck if that relates to you.
You take the time to write this.
Mike, the Suck Master
------------------------------
poster: Trigon
subject: Suck
date: Wed Jun 28 07:57:34 2000
You know you suck when...
Your jokes aren't funny.
They never are
You still post jokes that suck as much as you.
Your mud name on a fantasy game is a sport.
Tri
------------------------------
poster: Rydia
subject: women
date: Wed Jun 28 13:45:18 2000
Why women talk twice as much as men do:
Woman: Hey honey! i had a great day at work today.
Man: What?
------------------------------
poster: Trigon
subject: Harassment
date: Wed Jun 28 23:01:36 2000
My friend's dad told him this, then he told me.
This drunk happened to wander into a business firm, looking for a
toilet to relieve himself. He stumbled along and ran into a very
attractive female working at the firm. The drunk said "Hey there
good lookin, where's the pot I gotta take a reeel big piss. The
woman was aghast and slapped the man across the face.
The drunk replied, "Hey honey, that's not nice it was just a
question. Now you gotta make up for it." With that the drunk
reached over the woman to cop a quick feel. The woman shrieked and
a male working nearbye came and threw the drunk to the floor.
"That's harassment sir, and we don't take that in this office!" The
drunk replied....
Herassment nothing to me, it was her tits I was after!
:)
Tri
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: child
date: Sat Jul 1 19:15:20 2000
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter
was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point,
she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her
fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring
at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, Honey?"
"Mommy, where's my booger?"
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Golfing Dilemma
date: Sun Jul 2 10:06:49 2000
Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two
terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but
where it's supposed to go.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"
The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back.
The first guy says, "What's wrong?"
He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress."
The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over."
He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.
The second guy says, "What's wrong?"
The first guy says, "Small world."
- A
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: A day in school...
date: Sun Jul 2 10:08:11 2000
The first grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess.
Teacher asks Sarah, "What did you do at recess?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write
'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." She does and gets a
cookie.
Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.
Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on blackboard, I'll give
you a fresh-baked cookie." Morris does, and gets a cookie.
Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at
me." Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial
discrimination!
If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination,' I'll
give you a cookie."
- A again...
------------------------------
poster: Marvin
subject: Ant
date: Mon Jul 3 07:57:05 2000
With the sheer awfulness and lameness of, well, everyone else's jokes,
I must say that Ant truely is a godsend.
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: 10 ways...
date: Mon Jul 3 11:20:03 2000
10 ways to know your co-worker is a hacker...
------------------------------
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->
10 You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000
9 He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running
8 When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex
7 Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down
6 Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work
5 Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"
4 Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments
3 Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons
2 When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
The Number One Sign Your Co-worker Is a Computer Hacker...
1 You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, dumbass."
- A
------------------------------
poster: Nyx
subject: Ten signs you mud too much
date: Wed Jul 5 23:50:11 2000
10) You keep trying to consider people you work with.
9) You are highly disappointed your letter opener has no special.
8) Everytime you talk to people on the internet you put a "say" or a
' in front of your sentence.
7) When you call your friends in reali life ( all two of them)
instead of "Do you wanna hang out?" or "Wanna go do something?" you
ask, "Wanna party?"
6) When you talk to people in real life, you say channel names
before each sentence.
5) You emote. Nuff said.
4) You whine alot to people that the wizards are always idle and
never do anything. ;)
3) You constantly feel the need to pk annoying children.
2) You get arrested for forming EQ parties in your local shopping mall.
And the number one sign:
1) 10 outta 10 times, you damn spells fail.
Nyx
------------------------------
poster: Nyx
subject: More signs you mud too much
date: Wed Jul 5 23:56:45 2000
1) You answer nod, instead of yes.
2) When people ask you, "Like my new boots?" you answer, "Sure, but
what are the stats?"
3) You bid on "sales" items.
4) When you have garage sales, you mark things with gold prices, as
opposed to real money.
5) People thing you are talking about pets when you mention your
friends names.
6) When you say you have an island, people look at you funny.
7) You call downtow, "CS"
8) When you tell people you killed a dragon, they ask what
medication you take.
Ok, thats it.
Nyx
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: >Ten signs you mud too much
date: Thu Jul 6 00:40:56 2000
On Wed Jul 5 23:50:11 2000 Nyx wrote post #292:
> 10) You keep trying to consider people you work with.
> 9) You are highly disappointed your letter opener has no special.
> 8) Everytime you talk to people on the internet you put a "say" or a
> ' in front of your sentence.
> 7) When you call your friends in reali life ( all two of them)
> instead of "Do you wanna hang out?" or "Wanna go do something?" you
> ask, "Wanna party?"
> 6) When you talk to people in real life, you say channel names
> before each sentence.
> 5) You emote. Nuff said.
> 4) You whine alot to people that the wizards are always idle and
> never do anything. ;)
> 3) You constantly feel the need to pk annoying children.
> 2) You get arrested for forming EQ parties in your local shopping mall.
> And the number one sign:
> 1) 10 outta 10 times, you damn spells fail.
> Nyx
Tantrum emotes in real life! Just ask him!
Mix.
------------------------------
poster: Blixa
subject: >>Ten signs you mud too much
date: Thu Jul 6 00:44:05 2000
tantrum does alot of strange things, but yes the emoting thing is true!
BB
------------------------------
poster: Pagan
subject: top ten reasons why sex is better than dance mudic
date: Thu Jul 6 01:06:12 2000
10) less danger if being hit by falling mirror ball or lights
9) less likely that the police will kick the door in and arrest
everyone in the room
8) you dont need to take mind altering drugs to convince yourself
youre having fun
7) less than 500 people contributed to the sweat and grime on your body
6) when your partner screams, it isnt cuz someone just knifed them
in the back and took their wallet
5) the guy in the box doesnt need the constant support of the crowd
4) you can have sex on sunday night and still be able to get up on
monday morning
3) sex is still nice at less than 200 beats ber minute
2) if you have to pay to get in, at least you get tour moneies worth
and the number one reason is:
1) nipples or chuppa chupps, what would you preffer?
------------------------------
poster: Rydia
subject: vagina
date: Thu Jul 6 13:47:49 2000
A woman went to the gynecologist and when he began to examine her he
said "Good lord, ive never in all my thirty years of practice seen
such a huge vagina! huge vagina!
the woman said "doctor, im very self conscious about it and i think
it was rude of you to repeat yourself."
the doctor said " i didn't, it was an echo.
:)
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: Little Johnny and the Pregnant Woman
date: Fri Jul 7 01:37:21 2000
Little Johnny asks an expecting woman,
"what is in your tummy ?"
"My baby!" She answered with a smile.
"Do you love him?" Johnny asked.
"You bet!" She answered with enthusiasm.
Little Johnny then asked, "why did you
eat him then?"
------------------------------
poster: Basketball
subject: Royalty in the Air
date: Fri Jul 7 01:38:51 2000
The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight
attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came
swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers,
" Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the
big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up
your trays that would be super!"
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved
a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines.
I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us
on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country I am called a
Princess. I take orders from noone."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank
you. Put the tray up, Bitch."
------------------------------
poster: Magneto
subject: heheheh
date: Fri Jul 7 16:02:42 2000
This is beauty. It brought a tear to my eye of the good old days...
http://www.aalgar.com/aalcorp/062900/
Mags
------------------------------
poster: Tantrum
subject: My emoting IRL
date: Sun Jul 9 02:00:02 2000
yea okie maybe sometimes i emote in real life *smack Blixa and
Mixer* but i domnt mud too much.
also go check out this web page. its a classic.
www.pulpphantom.com
------------------------------
poster: Baer
subject: Parts of the bible Christians conveniently forget
date: Mon Jul 17 18:36:26 2000
For those of you that are not following the recent controversy that has to
do with Laura Schlessinger: she is a radio personality who dispenses
advice to people who call in to her radio show. Paramount Television Group
is currently producing a "Dr. Laura" television show. Recently she has
become a convert to Judaism, and now she is Ba'al T'shuvah. Recently, she
has made some statements about homosexuals that has caused the Canadian
anti-hate laws to censure her....The following is an open letter to Dr.
Laura which was posted on the Internet....ENJOY.
Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge
with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual
lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly
states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific
laws and how to best follow them.
a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They
claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus
21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for
her?
c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do
I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of
mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill
him myself?
f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
Abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I
don't agree. Can you settle this?
g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my
vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
19:27. How should they die?
i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different
crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two
different kinds of thread. (cotton/polyester blend) He also tends to
curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the
trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16)
Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do
with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you
can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.
Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.
------------------------------
poster: Frogmann
subject: >Parts of the bible Christians conveniently forget
date: Mon Jul 17 23:17:29 2000
Reply to section d)
Damn good question...why CAN'T we own Canadians? Eh?
Froggie ducks the hockey pucks rifled at him
------------------------------
poster: Kayanna
subject: male translations
date: Mon Jul 17 23:30:41 2000
Reply AllForwardDeletePreviousNextClose 1) "I'M GOING FISHING"
Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a
stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete
safety."
2) "IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and
you
have no chance at all of making it logical."
3) "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
4) "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
5) "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
6) "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.
"Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a
bra."
7) "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
8) "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
9) "YOU KNO
9) "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS"
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of
the
first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every
car
I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
10) "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
11) "OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
before
I admit that im hu
12) "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
13) "I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely
clueless."
14) "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
15) "I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am
hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the
next
3
days yelling at me."
16) "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could
be
worse."
17) "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, C'mon, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm
starving."
18) "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
------------------------------
poster: Kayanna
subject: men :P
date: Mon Jul 17 23:38:52 2000
Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and
can keep you up all night long.
Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head
right for your hips.
Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like.....Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them
anywhere.
Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's
about it.
Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in
your hair.
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the
hang of it.
Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are
usually wrong.
Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the poop out of you.
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up
your legs.
Men are like.....Noodles. They're always in hot water, they lack taste,
and they need dough.
Men are like.....Plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware
store or the bathroom.
Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like.....Place mats. They only show up when there's food on the
table.
Men are like.....Used Cars. Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of
them.
------------------------------
poster: Kayanna
subject: drinking
date: Mon Jul 17 23:46:28 2000
TELL-TALE SIGNS THAT YOU'RE A DRUNKEN
BASTARD . . .
You frequently urinate outdoors.
You first wake up and you're afraid you're gonna die
and a half-hour later you're afraid you won't.
You fall asleep taking a dump.
You believe that spilling a beer is alcohol abuse.
You go to the john to hurl, but you take your beer
with you.
You find it's easier to study drunk.
You're on a first name basis at the detoxification
center.
Beer ads make sense.
You wake up to the sound of your dog drinking out of
the toilet and you're so dry that it sounds mighty
thirst quenching.
You wake the next morning and start drinking a few of
the half empties left sitting around the room.
The space on your driver's license that tells your eye
color reads "bloodshot".
You fall down a flight of steps and DON'T spill a drop
of your beer.
You mix your cocktails by the litre.
You grow a beard because it stops beer that's running
down your chin
You put off urinating in hopes of reaching that near
orgasmic Zen-like piss.
You explain to your bank manager that you spent
your overdraft mainly on beer and women; "the rest I
just wasted."
When the bottle says 20 standard drinks but you
only get 5.
You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of
respect.
------------------------------
poster: Kayanna
subject: a cheap excuse to insult americans :P
date: Tue Jul 18 00:08:38 2000
Reply AllForwardDeletePreviousNextClose Once upon a time in
the Kingdom of Heaven, God
went
missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the
archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God
sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly
pointed
downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look
what
I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What
is
it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE
on
it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be
a
great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of
Earth,
"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of
great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe
is
going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be
a
hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of
white
people and over there is a continent of black
people,"
God continued, pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot and arid while
this
one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then
pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and
asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God."That's Canada, the most glorious
place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes,
rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The
people from Canada are going to be modest,
intelligent
and humorous and they're going to be found traveling
the world. They'll be extremely sociable,
hard-working
and high-achieving, and they will be known
throughout
the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm
also
going to give them super-human,
undefeatable ice
hockey players who will be admired and feared by
all
who come across
them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but
then proclaimed. "What about balance,God. You said
there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the
loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."
------------------------------
poster: Kayanna
subject: penis name
date: Tue Jul 18 00:18:54 2000
Penis Names
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay
bar.
"But what the heck", he says, "I really want a drink." When the gay
waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of
your penis?"
The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a
drink"
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you
tell me the
name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the
slogan
'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers,
because 'It really Satisfies."
The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will
give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to
his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your
penis?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer
asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies,"Cause it takes a lickin' and
keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his
right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your
penis?"
The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality
is Job 1."
Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" Even more shaken,
the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name
for his penis.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my
penis is Secret. Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a
puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"
The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT
MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: Doctors and Nurses
date: Tue Jul 18 06:46:33 2000
After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the
neighbour's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and
dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.
"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their
sexuality by playing doctor at their age," the neighbour said.
"Sexuality?!" the mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: 100 reasons...
date: Sat Jul 22 16:46:07 2000
100 Reasons it’s great to be a Guy:
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Nite Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on
every shot of
someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why 'Stripes' is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that
everyone secretly hates
you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
still be you friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championships.
34. None of your co-workers have the power tomake you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If you’re 34 and single, nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without
even thinking.
"He must be mad at me".
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is
about to leave
you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near you pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this
one's just to skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay!
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's
population in 15
tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
79. Sports Center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties kick ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationshipwith your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't
tell your friends
you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you
might become lifelong
buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because your not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a
hammer and throw it
across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So ... notice
anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
- Ant, the man
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Class Humour
date: Sat Jul 22 17:38:28 2000
A college professor had just finished explaining an important
research project to his class.
He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for
passing his class, and that
there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those
were a medically certifiable
illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart ass
student in the back of the
classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme
sexual exhaustion, professor?"
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the
students had finally settled
down, the professor cast the young man a scornful glare.
"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write
with your other hand."
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: A betting lady
date: Sat Jul 22 18:06:38 2000
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a
bag of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to
open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money".
After much himming and harring, the bank staff finally ushered her
into the president's office (the customer is always right).
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "165,000" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this
cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much
cash around.
Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you 25,000 that
your balls are square."
"Haha" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet.
You can never win that kind of bet"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet 25,000 that my balls are not square"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of
money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am
as a witness?"
"Sure" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a
long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side
to side, again and
again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was
absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the
bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00am, the little old lady appeared
with her lawyer at the president's office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet:
"25,000 says the president's balls are squarea"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him
to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if
she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, " 25,000 is a lot of money, so I
guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head
against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with
your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him 100,000 that at 10:00 am
today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Whales
date: Sat Jul 22 19:10:41 2000
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the
coast of Japan, when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had
harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the
female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow
out of our air holes at the same time and it should
cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and
quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the
sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety
of the shore. The male was enraged that they were going
to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and
gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point,
he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job,
but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Baer
subject: To women everywhere
date: Mon Jul 24 18:00:31 2000
TO: WOMEN EVERYWHERE
FROM: A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse
to answer.
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. I never remember
you dropping to the floor in a movie theater where the seat is always
up before you sit down!
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair.One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married
women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
Birthdays, Valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to see if
we can find the perfect present yet again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what
we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as
navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let
it be.
Do you ever notice that we don't argue with you when you are
PMSing?
Why??? Because we know you are PMSing and we let it be!
Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it
that way.
Realize there is girl shopping and boy shopping. What you like is
girl shopping, Boy shopping is focused. We walk into a store and
standing within 5 feet of the front door we can gaze out over the entire
store and
determine if there is something of interest to us. We don't need to walk up
and down every aisle (unless it is a sports or electronics store).
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really!!
You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints
don't work.
Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say
it!
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on
the calendar.
Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes so what makes you think we'd be
any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your
dress?
Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Check your oil.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
No,it doesn't matter which quiz.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All
comments become null and void after 7 days.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do
something, but not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
Stop complaining about not being able to use the remote. Yes, it is
designed to give us control and we can't stand the female channel surfing
technique. You are too slow!
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
What the hell is a doily?
------------------------------
poster: Kalma
subject: Benefits of Being Female
date: Tue Jul 25 09:05:00 2000
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
We never ejaculate prematurely.
We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and
are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
When we buy a vibrator it's glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's
pathetic.
Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like
complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We can cry and get out of speeding fines.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a
computer game.
Taxis stop for us.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when we dance.
Free drinks.
Free dinners.
Free movies (you get the point).
We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
We know the truth about whether size matters.
New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
If we have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, we're not
the devil.
Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.
If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.
We can sleep our way to the top.
Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it's because we're being
emotionally neglected.
WE never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.
If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them
naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an
idiot.
Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in
our teeth.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are
still there.
We're NOT men.
------------------------------
poster: Basketball
subject: >Benefits of Being Female
date: Tue Jul 25 19:21:38 2000
I've seen a frog in a blender. We do not look like a frog in a blender. No.
------------------------------
poster: Kazulanth
subject: >>Benefits of Being Female
date: Tue Jul 25 19:51:17 2000
On Tue Jul 25 19:21:38 2000 Basketball wrote post #316:
> I've seen a frog in a blender. We do not look like a frog in a blender. No.
No, you look like four frogs in a blender. One for each limb.
--kaz
------------------------------
poster: Basketball
subject: >>>Benefits of Being Female
date: Tue Jul 25 19:52:14 2000
Only when we get a cut and start bleeding, and taffy flies out of
our mouths....
------------------------------
poster: Kaos
subject: a joke
date: Tue Jul 25 21:13:45 2000
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of
them are
hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a
man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's
nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign
from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in
peace for
the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at
this,
here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this
bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine
and
celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the
bottle
and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle,
immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. Ithink I'll just wait for the police..."
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Canadian,American....
date: Sun Jul 30 21:56:12 2000
In a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular
looking
blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After
several minutes
of
the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the
unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the
tunnel, the
American had a big slap mark on his cheek.
(1) The blonde thought - "That American son of a bitch
wanted to touch
me
and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady,
who in turn
must
have slapped his face"
(2) The fat lady thought - "This dirty old American laid
his hands on
the
blonde and she smacked him".
(3) The American thought - "That fucking Canadian put his
hand on that
blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
(4) The Canadian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel
soon so I can
smack that stupid American again".
------------------------------
poster: Sleet
subject: >Canadian,American....
date: Sun Jul 30 21:57:42 2000
that hilarious
------------------------------
poster: Nyx
subject: >>Canadian,American....
date: Sun Jul 30 22:00:39 2000
On Sun Jul 30 21:57:42 2000 Sleet wrote post #321:
> that hilarious
I second that.....:)
------------------------------
poster: Racklanim
subject: male versus female jokes
date: Wed Aug 2 23:13:54 2000
reason you can tell racklanim has a girlfriend and has learned how
to shut them up.
for the girls
Yes, you are absolutelly right, there are many reasons why women are
better then men, and many reasons why men are better then women.
which is better? it's a matter of personal preference
for the guys
if they really thought girls were better they would all be fucking lesbians
------------------------------
poster: Racklanim
subject: part 2
date: Wed Aug 2 23:15:12 2000
guys dont think they are better, they are just sick of girls
overcompensating and constantlly arguing this
------------------------------
poster: Sleet
subject: >part 2
date: Thu Aug 3 08:04:50 2000
On Wed Aug 2 23:15:12 2000 Racklanim wrote post #324:
> guys dont think they are better, they are just sick of girls
> overcompensating and constantlly arguing this
thats not it at all, its just too hard to get a goat to shave or do dishes.
------------------------------
poster: Basketball
subject: >male versus female jokes
date: Thu Aug 3 10:08:33 2000
WTF dude. That's not a friggin joke!
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: 100 things...
date: Sat Aug 5 11:27:14 2000
http://minievil.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html
- Ant makes notes...
------------------------------
poster: Basketball
subject: Vasectomy
date: Sun Aug 6 07:36:31 2000
A man tells his doctor, "I think I'm going to get a Vasctomy."
The doctor asks, "Have you talked with your family about it yet?"
The man nods. "They voted for it. 15 to 2."
------------------------------
poster: Nyx
subject: Brad Pitt
date: Tue Aug 8 21:54:58 2000
Ever really wanted to have a good laugh at an actors expense? I know
I have. Ever wanted to smack Mr. Pitt down? I have. If yer like me,
you will like this:
http://bradpitt.diaryland.com/index.html
Trust me.
Nyx
------------------------------
poster: Blixa
subject: joke (duh)
date: Thu Aug 10 07:48:48 2000
a variation on the work joke
Grant me the serenity to accept that women cannot change, thecourage
to change the fact that women hate sport, and the wisdom to hide
thebeer I drink secretly to numb the pain of a nagging wife.Remember
women don't nag they just ask the same f*cking question 12 times.And
also help me to be careful of the toes of a woman I step on today
asthey may be connected to the ass I may have to kick tomorrow.Help
me always give 100% at home....12% on Dishes23% on toilet politics,
whilst reading the sports pages.40% on Going to watch the footy at a
mates house.20% on ordering Chinese takeaway cos I cant be rooted
cooking dinner.5% on my attention span of listening to the wife.And
help me to remember...When I am having a really bad day, and it
seems that women aretrying to piss me off, it takes 42 muscles to
frown and only 2 toextend my middle finger and tell them to piss
off.
BB
------------------------------
poster: Rydia
subject: ewwww!
date: Thu Aug 10 09:55:23 2000
A reporter when up into the hills of West Virginia to research an
article about the area. He met an old man in a small town and asked
him about memorable events in his life.
"Well, one time my favorite sheep got lost. So me and my neighbors
got some moonshine and went looking for it. We finally found the
sheep. Then we drank the moonshine and wound up screwing the sheep.
It was a lot of fun!" ;The reporter knew he couldn't write an
article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another
story. ;;"Well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so me and all
the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We
finally found her. Then we drank the moonshine and screwed her. Now
that was a lot of fun!" ;;The frustrated reporter told the old man
that he couldn't write articles about those stories and asked him if
he had any sad memories he could talk about. ;;The old man paused,
then said, "Well, one time I got lost...... "
ps forgive the grammar.. i copied and pasted and it didnt work too well:)
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Success...
date: Thu Aug 10 14:07:27 2000
At age 4, success is not peeing your pants.
At age 12, success is having friends.
At age 20, success is having sex.
At age 35, success is making money.
At age 60, success is having sex.
At age 70, success is having friends.
At age 80, success is not peeing your pants
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Magneto
subject: funeral
date: Thu Aug 10 15:39:30 2000
A woman was walking in the Hyde Park neighborhood and noticed a very odd
looking funeral procession.
Two caskets were being led the way, followed by a bunch of mourners,
and a woman in black followed
that group with a single rutweiler on a leash by her side, and
behind her was a straight line of
women.
The woman observing the whole situ couldn't contain herself anymore
and approached the woman with
the dog and asked her to explain this very odd looking procession:
"Well, one of the casket contains my late husband and the other one
has his poor dead mother"
"How did this tragedy take place?"
"My husband, who is not fond of my dog, kahlua, was teasing and
pissed him off so much that the dog
started attacking him. When his mother saw that, she jumped in to
intervene and save her only son.
[of course I wasn't around]. The sad part is that the dog fatally
wounded both of them."
"I'm very very sorry to hear that...but is there any way I can
borrow your dog?"
"Sure, but you'll have to stand in line."
------------------------------
poster: Kaos
subject: Baer chase
date: Sat Aug 12 06:14:58 2000
Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.
They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing
up the tree after them.
The first guy gets his sneakers out of his
knapsack and starts putting
them on.
The second guy says, "What are you doing?"
He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to
us, we'll jump down and
make a run for it."
The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't
outrun a bear."
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the
bear... I only have to
outrun you."
------------------------------
poster: Nyx
subject: >Baer chase
date: Sat Aug 12 19:49:37 2000
On Sat Aug 12 06:14:58 2000 Kaos wrote post #335:
> Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.
> They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing
> up the tree after them.
> The first guy gets his sneakers out of his
> knapsack and starts putting
> them on.
>
> The second guy says, "What are you doing?"
>
> He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to
> us, we'll jump down and
> make a run for it."
>
> The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't
> outrun a bear."
>
> The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the
> bear... I only have to
> outrun you."
>
No no no! My dad has been telling this joke since I was a wee little
thing. It goes liek this:
A young lady and an old man are out camping. They are on thier honey
moon. The old guy wakes up, and notices a bear heading towards the
camp site. The guy wakes the gal up and says, we are dead meat!
There is a bear coming to get us! So she wakes up and starts putting
her clothes on. The bear is coming faster. And he is screaming at
her what are you doing? She calming puts her shoes on and looks up
and says, "I am getting ready" "For what?" To run she says.
"What????? Are you dense, you can;t outrun a bear." And she says,
"Nope, I can;t. But i sure as shit can out run you!"
------------------------------
poster: Magneto
subject: lag
date: Mon Aug 14 10:13:30 2000
http://www.gamespy.com/top10/internet_a.shtm
this is the kind of stuff you need to tell your nephews.
------------------------------
poster: Draken
subject: feather
date: Sat Aug 19 15:41:06 2000
A guy walks into a bar and sees this other guy in there who he sees
everyday. And as usual he sees him walk over to a hot chic and say
something to her and her face looks astonished but then he says
something else to her and she calm down and they start talk together
and so hes gonna take another one home for the night. Before the guy
leaves he calls him over and says 'everyday i see you walk out with
another woman, and i can never seem to get one. How do you do it?'
'Well' the guy says 'I go over to her and say "tickle your ass with
a feather" and then when she looks surprised i say, "Particularly
nasty weather" then she thinks that she heard me wrong the first
time. And thats how you do it.' He points to a girl sitting by her
self in the corner 'look over there, go try it on her'. So the guy
gulps and says, 'well ok i guess'. So he goes over to the girl and
askes her if he can sit down, and naturally she nods her head.
So after trying to find his voice for a minute or so he says, jam a
feather up your ass' And she looks very surprised and says,
'WHAT!?!?!', So the guys having trouble and says, 'pretty fucking
cold out huh!?'
------------------------------
poster: Draken
subject: broken rubber
date: Sat Aug 19 15:48:01 2000
Theres this indian family of 2 boys a girl and there parents. The
youngest son is about 6 years and one day he goes up to his dad and
says, 'dad how did we get our names?'. 'Well son i nameed you guys
after the first thing i saw when you were born, like your brother
for example...When he was first born i saw a deer running through
the grass so i named him running deer. and for your sister i saw a
dove flying through the sky so she was named flying dove.'
After a brief pause his dad asked him, 'Why do you ask broken rubber'?
------------------------------
poster: Draken
subject: a horses dick
date: Sat Aug 19 15:58:39 2000
There was a stable with a sign in front of it saying, 'If you can
make my horse laugh i will give you a one million dollar reward.'
So a guy driving by saw this sign and thought that he could do it.
So he went up to the owner and told him that he wanted to try. So he
went over to the horse and whispered something in it ear and
suddenly the horse burst out laughing. The owner was shocked but
gave him the reward.
A couple of months later The same guy was driving buy and there was
another sign out that was saying 'if you can make my horse cry i
will give you a millon dollars. So this same guy went up there and
said 'ok ill give it a try.' So he went over to the same horse again
and did something and the horse started crying. The guy went over to
clain his prize but before the owner would give him the money he
asked him how he did it. The guy said, 'well, the first time to make
him laugh,
I told him that my dick was bigger than his, and wen i was supposed
to make him cry i showed him'
------------------------------
poster: Baer
subject: underwear
date: Mon Aug 21 01:15:39 2000
Here's your weekly safety brief. Be careful what you wear (or don't
wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public.
>From the Sydney Morning Herald comes this story of a central west couple
who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the
parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he
fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked
everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the
hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
------------------------------
poster: Baer
subject: password
date: Mon Aug 21 01:19:39 2000
I was helping someone set up his computer,
and he wanted to log in with a password...
Now you have to understand he's got somewhat of a
rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect...
So when the computer asked him to enter his password,
he keys in "penis"...
I nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard
when the computer replied:
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT *****
------------------------------
poster: Baer
subject: oldie but a goodie
date: Mon Aug 21 01:20:09 2000
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday,
and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he
decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic, but not
too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and
bought a pair of white gloves; The sister purchased a pair of panties for
herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the
gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents,
the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the
following note :
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I
would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones
that are easier to remove.
"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the
pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly
soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see
you again.
"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away
as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. "Just think how many
times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them
for me on friday night.
All my love.
"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing."
------------------------------
poster: Baer
subject: farmer
date: Mon Aug 21 01:20:36 2000
There was a farmer who had four daughters. One night, he heard a knock at
the door and found a young man standing there.
The young man said,
"My name is Freddy.
I've come to pick up Betty.
We're going out for spaghetti.
I hope she's ready."
The farmer thought that this was cute, so he let them go out. Pretty soon
there was another knock at the door and another young man was there.
He said,
"My name is Vance.
I've come for Nance.
We're going to a dance.
Is she ready by chance?"
Again, the farmer thought this was cute and let them go. Soon, another
knock on the door with yet another young man standing there.
He said,
"My name is Moe.
I'm here to get Flo.
We're going to a show.
Is she ready to go?"
Again the farmer was amused and let them go. Once again there was a knock
on the door and a young man was standing there.
He began,
"My name is Chuck."
The farmer shot him.
------------------------------
poster: Baer
subject: pope
date: Mon Aug 21 01:21:34 2000
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all of the Jews had to leave
Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so
the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of
the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would
be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to
leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent
them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the
Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a
"silent" debate.
On the day of the debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each
other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three
fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to
the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and
chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope
stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews
can stay."
Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had
happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the
Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was
still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around
me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the
ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine
and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an
apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What
could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what
happened. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews have three
days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours.' Then he tells me
the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here
Mr. Pope, the Jews... we stay right here!"
"And then?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch."
------------------------------
poster: Baer
subject: Physicist
date: Mon Aug 21 01:34:53 2000
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the
University of Copenhagen:
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."
One student replied:
"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower
the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of
the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the
building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was
failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer
was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent
arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed
correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To
resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him
six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a
minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought.
The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student
replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make
up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied
as follows:
"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper,
drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground.
The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H =
0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."
"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer,
then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure
the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple
matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the
skyscraper."
"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short
piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at
ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked
out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi
sqrroot (l / g)."
"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be
easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in
barometer lengths, then add them up."
"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you
could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the
skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into
feet to give the height of the building."
"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of
mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to
knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new
barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this
skyscraper'."
The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for
Physics.
------------------------------
poster: Baer
subject: Pen's in space.
date: Mon Aug 21 01:36:44 2000
Just a thought to ponder
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National
Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ballpoint pen to
write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After
considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at
a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some
modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union,
faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
------------------------------
poster: Hierokliff
subject: A true story?
date: Sat Aug 26 06:31:56 2000
On a fine day there was this young orcish adventurer trying to
find his peace in another world then this. Then he was getting
some tells from a mighty creature namned as Belannaer:
Belannaer tells you 'have you read name policy'.
You tell Belannaer 'no'.
Belannaer tells you 'you should'.
You tell Belannaer 'why?'.
You tell Belannaer 'used this name in muds since 94 it rocks :)'.
Belannaer tells you 'but its made from word hieroglyph or something
and names like that are illegal here'.
You tell Belannaer 'hiero = holy then all namnes starting with 'bel'
are illegal also?'.
Belannaer tells you 'no'.
Belannaer tells you 'nah, its same to what name you have, because im
not name sheriff here'.
Belannaer tells you 'if you're gonna really start playing this mud i
suggest that you'll change your name'.
//Hierokliff Bloodsbane
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Little Johnny Strikes Again
date: Mon Aug 28 06:23:38 2000
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher
was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on little
Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But,
eventually, his turn came...
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back
down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for
his report or why the dot was exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a
period?"
"Damned if I know", said Johnny, "but, this morning, my sister said she
missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next
door shot himself."
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Javier
subject: Oath
date: Tue Aug 29 10:12:15 2000
So very true
...
MY FRIEND
What are friends for? a different twist......
To all of my dearest friends: MY OATH TO YOU...
When you are sad,........ I will get you drunk and
help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard
who made you sad.
When you are scared,......... I will laugh at you and
tease you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried,.........I will tell you how much
worse it could be and to quit complaining.
When you are confused,........I will use little words
to explain it to your dumb ass.
And when you are lost,........I will answer my cell
phone and give you directions.
When you are sick.........I will hold your hair while
you pay homage to the porcelain god.
When you fall......I will point and laugh at your
clumsy ass.
This is my oath...............I pledge till the end.
Why you may ask?
BECAUSE YOU ARE MY FRIEND
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Circle Flies...
date: Thu Aug 31 15:00:24 2000
An old farmer was hauling a load of manure
when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You
were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to
have to give you a ticket."
"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper
shoo away several flies.
"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.
"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."
"What's a circle fly?"
"Them flies dat circle a horse's tail," answered the
farmer. "Them are circle flies."
"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's butt, would
you?" the trooper angrily asked.
"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But ya just
can't fool 'em flies, can ya?"
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: 'Em lawyers again...
date: Thu Aug 31 15:02:19 2000
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers
Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by
attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by
insightful witnesses.
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
- Ant
------------------------------
poster: Basketball
subject: >'Em lawyers again...
date: Thu Aug 31 16:07:02 2000
Bah. They must've all been blond.
------------------------------
poster: Nyx
subject: >>'Em lawyers again...
date: Fri Sep 1 00:30:55 2000
On Thu Aug 31 16:07:02 2000 Basketball wrote post #353:
> Bah. They must've all been blond.
First off I know blondes whose IQ is ten times yours, and second,
that joke has been posted more times then the word the.
Nyx
------------------------------
poster: Trigon
subject: Brooms
date: Fri Sep 1 13:05:16 2000
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got
to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom. The other, the groom
broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom
broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom
leaned over and said to the groom broom "I think I'm pregnant."
The groom broom gasp and said "That's impossible, we haven't
even Swept together!"
:)
Tri
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: >>>'Em lawyers again...
date: Sun Sep 3 17:31:31 2000
On Fri Sep 1 00:30:55 2000 Nyx wrote post #354:
> On Thu Aug 31 16:07:02 2000 Basketball wrote post #353:
> > Bah. They must've all been blond.
> First off I know blondes whose IQ is ten times yours, and second,
> that joke has been posted more times then the word the.
> Nyx
WHAT?! Oh dear... I've tried being unique when it comes to
posting jokes...
- Ant will never post a joke again... :(
------------------------------
poster: Wagro
subject: >>>>'Em lawyers again...
date: Sun Sep 3 17:32:18 2000
Wagro goes "no, no!" at Ant.
------------------------------
poster: Ant
subject: Okay, okay...
date: Sun Sep 3 17:41:12 2000
I'm posting again it seems... so much for that then...
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man
on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I have no idea..... but every year when we pass, he goes nuts."
- Ant has no self-control...
------------------------------
poster: Magneto
subject: a texas top five
date: Wed Sep 6 13:20:57 2000
My home state of Texas is currently in the middle
of a record-breaking heat wave, with temperatures
over 110 degree Fahrenheit (for you foreigners,
that's close to 70 billion degrees Celsius!).
I placed a call to my sister, Pat, the coolest
Texan I know, to find out what cookin', so to speak.
Here's what I learned...
The Top 14 Things Texans Do to Beat the Heat
14.Fill up your Stetson and invite the neighbors over for a pool
party.
13.Strap on an ice blue Colt .45 and feel that cold steel close to
your skin.
12.Let the dog drive the truck so you can stick your head out the
window.
11.Urban kids open oil wells and play in the gushers.
10.Curl up with George W. in the nice, cool shade of his father's
shadow.
9.Simply turning Ross Perot toward Mexico reduces hot air by
22%.
8.Stand close to the Cowboys, catch the nice breeze from their
free-fall.
7.Wipe your brow with a cool, moist Chihuahua.
6.Still go to the local pro, college, high school, junior high,
elementary, and kindergarten football games, but maybe skip
the local pre-school game -- as long as it's still only preseason
and we're not playing those lil' bastards from Bryan!
5.Imagine Al Gore as president and get a chill down the spine.
4.Head up to Dallas and stand in the shadow of a socialite's hair.
3.Stuff a nice cold Astro bat down your pants.
2.Slip the guard a twenty and have them give you your lethal
injection with a "frosted" needle.
and the Number 1 Thing Texans Do to Beat the Heat...
1.Put a little snow up your nose -- then write it off as a "youthful
indiscretion."
last night I was laughing at the local weather guy on tv as he was
spouting 'it will be much cooler tomorrow as this cool front rolls
in, our highs should be down to 101'
------------------------------
poster: Magneto
subject: 3 lil pigs
date: Thu Sep 7 13:02:31 2000
First Grade..... true story:
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the
Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the
first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of
that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy
Shit! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
>
------------------------------
poster: Magneto
subject: heat
date: Mon Sep 11 09:39:29 2000
IT'S SO HOT IN TEXAS THAT ...
The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of
the ground.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep
them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would rain --not
so much for me, 'cuz I've seen it -- but for my
7-year-old."
A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out
here?" A rancher quickly answered "Yes, it does. Do
you remember that part in the Bible where it rained
for 40 days and 40 nights?" The visitor replied, "Yes,
I'm familiar with Noah's flood." "Well," the rancher
puffed up, we got about two and a half inches of
that."
You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with
water.
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
You can make instant sun tea.
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good
branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to
drive your car.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your
car window.
You notice the best parking place is determined by
shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and
not one person is out on the streets.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30
a.m. before work.
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a
car.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get
knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook
to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
------------------------------
poster: Blixa
subject: thoughts
date: Tue Sep 12 01:53:48 2000
not a joke, but i generally but non-mud related things in jokes
During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop
quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions,
until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who
cleans the school?"
Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several
times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know
her name?
I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class
ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our
quiz grade.
"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many
people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even
if all you do is smile and say 'hello'."
"I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.
Second Important Lesson
Pickup in the Rain
One night, at 11:30 PM, an older African American woman was standing
on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rain storm.
Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet,
she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to
help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took
her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab. She
seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him.
Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise,
a giant console colour TV was delivered to his home. A special note was
attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway
the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my
spirits. Then you came along. because of you, I was able to make it to my
dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for
helping me and unselfishly serving others."
Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole.
Third Important Lesson
Always remember those who serve you
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old
boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a
glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he
asked.
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his
hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a
plain
dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a
table and the waitress was growing impatient.
"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied." The little boy again
counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress
brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy
finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came
back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly
beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies.
You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have
enough left to leave her a tip.
Fourth Important Lesson
The Obstacle in Our Path
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then
he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock.
Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply
walked around it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads
clear. But none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon
approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move
the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he
finally succeeded. Afterthe peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he
noticed a purse
lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many
gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the
person who removed the boulder from the roadway.
The peasant learned what many of us never understand. Every obstacle
presents an opportunity to improve our condition.
Fifth Important Lesson
Giving When it Counts
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got
to know a little girl named Liz, who was suffering from a rare and serious
disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion
from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same
disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness.
The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked
the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his
sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath
and
saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save her."
As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and
smiled, as we all did, seeing the colour returning to her cheeks. Then
his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and
asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?" Being
young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going
to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.
You see understanding and attitude, after all, is everything.
Now you can do something - You have 2 choices now 1. Delete this
e-mail, or 2. Forward it to people you care about. I hope that you will
choose No. 2 and remember to:
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt, and
Dance like you do when nobody's watching.
BB
------------------------------
poster: Chemosh
subject: Knights of the round table
date: Fri Sep 15 00:11:39 2000
>
>Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
>neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved
>by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as
>he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year
>to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he
>would be killed.
>> The question was:
>>
>> "What do women really want?"
>>
>Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to
>young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Since it was better than
>death, however, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an
>answer by year's end.
>>
>He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess,
>the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he
>spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What
>most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would
>know the answer.
>
>The price would be high, since the witch was famous
>throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day
>of the
>year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She
>agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: the
>old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the
>Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she
>was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like
>sewage water, often made obscene noises.. He had never run across such a
>repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and
>have to endure such a burden.
>>
>> Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told
>him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and
>the
>preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed,
>and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is
>to be able to be in charge of her own life.
>>
>> Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and
>that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighbouring
>monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding
>Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.
>Gawain
>was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst
>manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and passed gas, and
>made
>everyone uncomfortable.
>
>The wedding night approached: Gawain, stealing himself for a horrific
>night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful
>woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked
>what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind
>to her when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her
>horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her
>beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day
>and which during the night?
>>
>> What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament:
>during the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night,
>in
>the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer
>having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy
>many intimate moments? What would *you* do?
>>
>> What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made
>your own choice.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>The Answer: Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for
>herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful
>all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in
>charge of her own life.
>
>
>...the moral of this story? The moral is that it doesn't matter if
>your woman is pretty or ugly, smart or dumb. Underneath it all, she's
>still a witch.
>>
>
chemosh
------------------------------
poster: Basketball
subject: >Knights of the Round Table
date: Fri Sep 15 13:33:36 2000
Well, in some cases, "W" should be replaced with "B"
*duck*
------------------------------
poster: Wildchild
subject: Stackpole speaks out
date: Sat Sep 16 17:35:19 2000
I guess this isn't really a joke as much but a series of misfortunes
by FASA against the author. To read his tale, visit h
tp://www.stormwolf.com/essays/mslast2.html
It's definately an interesting read.
I just didn't wanna put this in general as it has nothing to do with the mud.
-WildChild
------------------------------
poster: Mixer
subject: German Technology
date: Mon Sep 18 07:13:39 2000
The abolition of Euro trade barriers in 1996 meant that all cars
will now be of German origin. To this end the following list of
GERMAN MOTORING PHRASES:
1. Die BlinkenLeiten Tickentocken = Signal Indicators
2. Pullknob und KnuckleChoppen = Auto Hood ( Bonnet)
3. Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben = Exhaust
4. Das Kulink mit Schlippenundshaken = Clutch
5. Der Phlatt mit Bloody fukken = Puncture
6. Der Twatten mit Elplatz = Learner driver
7. Das Bagsaroomfurshagginkin = Estate car
8. Der Flippenflappenschitspreader = Windshield wipers
9. Der Klunkenklinkenfrauleinstrappen = Seat belt
10. Das Buch fur Aresewipen = Highway code
11. Die Dippenuntdazzel Eiblinden = Headlights
12. Der Pedalpuschinpilloken = Cyclist
13. Der Fukkengratentrucken = Truck
14. Der Bananwaltzen = Skid
15. Dast Fukkennearenschitzenselfen = Near accident
------------------------------
poster: Magneto
subject: woo
date: Tue Sep 19 17:00:34 2000
1. What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?
Answer: Hair balls.
2. What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
Answer: Come in five flavors
3. What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
Answer: Crust
4. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
Answer: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork
5. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
Answer: If your girlfriend chews before swallowing
6. What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy
together?
Answer: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection
7. How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
Answer: By sticking your finger in his honey
8. What is the ultimate rejection?
Answer: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep
9. What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?
Answer: I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my Election.
10. What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
Answer: Both can smell it but can't eat it
11. What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
Answer: A blow job with handle bars
12. What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
Answer: A mobile sperm bank.
13. What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?
Answer: All you can eat for under a buck.
14. What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?
Answer: A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
15. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
Answer: A cherry float.
16. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
Answer: Beat IT - we're closed.
17. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
Answer: To find a tight seal.
18. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Answer: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
19. What's the difference between sin and shame?
Answer: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
20. What's the speed limit of sex?
Answer: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
21. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
Answer: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
22. Why is air a lot like sex?
Answer: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
23. What's another name for pickled bread?
Answer: Dill-dough
24. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
Answer: He heard the snow blower coming.
25. Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
Answer: She's withholding evidence
26. What's the difference between light and hard?
Answer. You can sleep with a light on.
27. Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
Answer: Because they don't have balls to scratch.
28. Why is sex like a bridge game?
Answer: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
29. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
Answer: Their balls are just for decoration.
------------------------------
poster: Chemosh
subject: flies
date: Wed Sep 20 01:29:46 2000
Flies
There were these three men, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an
Irishman. One day, they all went to a pub, ordered drinks and sat
down at a table. After a while of drinkin and being merry... along
came three flies, each landing in a different man's drink. The
Englishman looked at the fly in his glass and said
"Oh dear.. I can't drink that now"
The Scotsman looks at the fly in his drink, takes it out and says
"Go on.. get out of here you little bugger"
The Irishman see's the fly in his drink and suddenly goes all red in
the face. He picks up the fly.. sits it on the edge of the glass and
starts yelling
"SPIT IT OUT!!! SPIT IT OUT!!!"
_____
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES:
For better or worse, these headlines actually appeared in published
newspapers ...
Include your children when baking cookies
Something went wrong in jet crash, expert says
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Drunk gets nine months in violin case
Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents
Farmer bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Stud tires out
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
British left waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung cancer in women mushrooms
Eye drops off shelf
Teacher strikes idle kids
Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead
Squad helps dog bite victim
Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
Miners refuse to work after death
Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
Stolen painting found by tree
Two Soviet ships collide, one dies
2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
Never withhold Herpes infection from loved one
Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
chemosh
------------------------------
poster: Chemosh
subject: aussie slang
date: Thu Sep 21 00:37:48 2000
for the aussies
Hears a tribute to alf (from home and away) who still practices this flamin
language. What a bloody ding bat.
Muff:- A women's.............
Mintox(Mintocks):- Fu*king wicked or excellent.
Faggot:- Unpolitically correct for homosexual. Often heard around the School
yard in late 80's early 90's.
Shane:- Aussie bloke with a mullet.
Yonks:- A really long time.
Yarn:- Chat.
Paul Hogan:- Apparently an Aussie actor from the 80's.
Fandango:- Fancy.
Flanno:- Shirt, (or a teacher from St Norbert's college).
Bog (Bogan):- Aussie Bloke into heavy metal, usually from the sub order
Dickheadmaximus.
Bonus:- Gaining an advantage.
PO:- Piss off.
Skeg:- Half surfer half Skater.
Honky nut:- A nut from a tree often found in a school yard.
Your dropped (dumped):- Breaking up with the missus.
Pash on:- What you wanted to do to Kylie Minogue (Charlene) when she was
going out with Jason Donovan (Scott) in Neighbours. (kiss).
Toungie:- See "pash on".
Dork (dufus):- Flamin idiot.
------------------------------
poster: Chemosh
subject: aussie slang
date: Thu Sep 21 00:40:39 2000
oo and a few more that come to mind
Boss
Cash Out
Bonza
HJ's sunnies
------------------------------
poster: Chemosh
subject: survey
date: Thu Sep 21 00:42:30 2000
-> SURVEY WITH A TWIST - YOU fill in the blanks about ME and send
> it back to me, but first send a blank one out to all your friends so
> they
> can return the favor to you. Be honest - they're really cool to get
> back,you
> might find out something you missed before. It only takes a few
> minutes, so
> just do it!!
>
> 1st-send this survey to everyone you know to see how well they know
> you...
> 2nd-fill this survey out about the person who sent it to you and
> send back to them... because don't we all enjoy avoiding work?
>
> 1. My name:
>
> 2. Where did we meet?:
>
> 3. Take a stab at my middle name:
>
> 4. How long have you known me?:
>
> 5. How well do you know me?
>
> 6. Do I smoke?:
>
> 7. Do I believe in God?:
>
> 8. When you first saw me what was your impression?:
>
> 9. My age?:
>
> 10. Birthday?:
>
> 11. Color hair?
>
> 12. Color eyes:
>
> 13. Do I have any siblings?:
>
> 14. (If opposite sex) Have you ever had a crush on me?
>
> (If samesex) Have you ever been jealous of me?:
>
> 15. What's one of my favor
ite things to do?:
>
> 16. Do you remember one of the 1st things I said to you?:
>
> 17. What's my favorite type of music?:
>
> 18. What is the best feature about me?:
>
> 19. Am I shy or outgoing?:
>
> 20. Would you say I am funny?:
>
> 21. Am I a rebel or do I follow all the rules?:
>
> 22. Any special talents?:
>
> 23. Would you consider me a friend?:
>
> 24. Would you call me preppy, slutty, a homie, average, sporty,
> punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else?:
>
> 25. Have you ever seen me cry?:
>
> 26. If there were one good nickname for me what would it be?:
>
> 27. Are my parents still together?
>
> 28. What do I
love? (pretty general, huh?!)
>
>**
------------------------------
poster: Chemosh
subject: amended survey
date: Thu Sep 21 00:43:54 2000
and naturally an aussie blokes version
Content-Type: text/plain;
charset="iso-8859-1"
-> AMENDED SURVEY WITH A TWIST - YOU fill in the blanks about ME and send
> it back to me, but first send a blank one out to all your friends so
> they
> can return the favor to you. Be honest - they're really cool to get
> back,you
> might find out something you missed before. It only takes a few
> minutes, so
> just do it!!
>
> 1st-send this survey to everyone you know to see how well they know
> you...
> 2nd-fill this survey out about the person who sent it to you and
> send back to them... because don't we all enjoy avoiding work?
>
> 1. My Cats name:
>
> 2. Where did we first get pissed together?:
>
> 3. Take a stab at my mother(s) name:
>
> 4. How long have you known my sister?:
>
> 5. How well do you know me?
>
> 6. Do I own a 2 stroke?:
>
> 7. Do I believe in Satan?:
>
> 8. When you first saw me naked what was your impression?:
>
> 9. My lovers age?:
>
> 10. Birthday?:
>
> 11. Chest hair?
>
> 12. Color eyes:
>
> 13. Do I have any Children?:
>
> 14. (If opposite sex) Have you ever had a crush on me?
>
> (If samesex) Have you ever been jealous of me?:
>
> 15. What's one of my favorite things to do (non sexual)?:
>
> 16. Do you remember one of the 1st things I said to you whilst we were
drunk?:
>
> 17. What's my favorite type of music?:
>
> 18. What is the best feature about my dog?:
>
> 19. Would I rob the bank or help the old lady?:
>
> 20. Would you say I am a Dennis Cometti type of bloke or Trevor Marmalade
type bloke?:
>
> 21. Am I a Jim Beam and Big macs or a Grants and Whoppers man?:
>
> 22. Any special talents?:
>
> 23. Would you consider me to back you up in a punchup?:
>
> 24. Would you call me idiot, slutty, a homie, average, sporty,
> punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else?:
>
> 25. Have you ever seen me cry?:
>
> 26. If there were one good nickname for me what would it be?:
>
> 27. Are my parents still donating money to the Ahmed Mishta Foundation?
>
> 28. What do I love? (pretty general, huh?!)
>
> 29. Do I own leather Pants?
30. Am I good at Table tennis?
------------------------------
poster: Chemosh
subject: web site
date: Thu Sep 21 01:11:13 2000
this is a classic
http://www.geocities.com/topaussieguide/