-----------------

poster: Lu
subject: LOL
date: Fri Aug 13 14:05:56 2004

OMG GUYS i heard this today at work, it is hilarious enough for me
to share it with you all.

A mother ask's her little boy, "Would you like to goto a flea market?"
The little boy replies, "No."
The mother asks, "Why not?"
The little boy says, "I don't want fleas."
ROFL LAL

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >LOL
date: Fri Aug 13 18:22:15 2004

On Fri Aug 13 14:05:56 2004 Lu wrote post #1:
> OMG GUYS i heard this today at work, it is hilarious enough for me
> to share it with you all.
> 
> A mother ask's her little boy, "Would you like to goto a flea market?"
> The little boy replies, "No."
> The mother asks, "Why not?"
> The little boy says, "I don't want fleas."
> ROFL LAL
worst joke evar :C
sux

-----------------

poster: Reamus
subject: Musician Joke
date: Sat Aug 14 20:29:49 2004

Little Johnny says to his his mother, "Mommy, when I grow up, I want
to be a drummer!"
His mother looks at him and says, "But Johnny, you know you can't do both!"

(Unkie) Reamus

-----------------

poster: Athena
subject: Why cats were created.
date: Fri Aug 20 00:04:26 2004

Where do pets come from?

       A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided
       the
       answer to "Where do pets come from?"

       Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked
       with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are
       lonesome
       here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love
       us."

       And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that
       will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love
       for
       you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.
       Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be,
       this
       new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I
       do,
       in spite of yourselves."

       And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

       And it was a good animal.

       And God was pleased.

       And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he
       wagged
       his tail.
       And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
       Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

       And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal
       to
       be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection
       of
       my own name, and you will call him
       DOG."

       And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and
       loved them.

       And they were comforted.

       And God was pleased.

       And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

       After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and
       said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They
       strut
       and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of
       adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but
       perhaps too well."

       And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who
       will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The
       companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will
       know
       that they are not always worthy of adoration."

       And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

       And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into
       Cat's
       eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

       And Adam and Eve learned humility.

       And they were greatly improved.

       And God was pleased.

       And Dog was happy.

       And Cat didn't give a damn one way or the other.


-----------------

poster: Athena
subject: Crazy Ethel
date: Fri Aug 20 00:05:44 2004

 Ethel was a bit of a demon in  her wheelchair, and loved to

          charge around

          the nursing home, taking  corners on one wheel and getting up
          to

          maximum speed

          on the long  corridors. Because the poor woman was one
          sandwich

          short of a picnic,  the other residents tolerated her, and
          some

          of the

          males actually  joined in.




          One day, Ethel was speeding up  one corridor when a door
          opened

          and Kooky

          Clarence stepped out with  his arm outstretched. "STOP!", he

          shouted in firm voice.




          "Have you got a license for  that thing?"

          Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit  Kat

          wrapper and

          held it up to him.

          "OK" he said, and way Ethel  sped down the hall.




          As she took the corner near  the TV lounge on one wheel,
          Weird

          Harold

          popped out in front of her  and shouted, "STOP! Have you got

          proof of insurance?"

          Ethel dug into  her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and
          held

          it up to

          him. Harold  nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."




          As Ethel neared the final  corridor before the front door,
          Crazy

          Craig

          stepped out in front of  her, stark naked, holding a very
          sizable

          erection

          in his hand.

          "Oh,Good grief," said Ethel,

          "Not the breathalyzer again!"...



-----------------

poster: erec
subject: funny web site
date: Wed Aug 25 15:46:18 2004

http://www.villainsupply.com

-----------------

poster: Malifix
subject: frogs
date: Wed Aug 25 16:39:31 2004

A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a
swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator
control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby
college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change
in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to
reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to
assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium. It
seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate

-----------------

poster: Tigran
subject: New Priest's Training
date: Wed Aug 25 22:14:16 2004

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the
older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest
asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "When you hear something interesting or
embarrasing, simply cross your arms over your chest, and rub your
chin with one hand...and try saying things like "yes, I see," and
"yes, go on," and "I understand."
Back he goes for the next person to confess. The new priest crosses
his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested
remarks to the old priest.
Later they meet outside again. The old priest says, "THAT was much
more professional. Now, don't you think that's a little better than
slapping your knee and saying, "No shit?..What happened next?"


-----------------

poster: Korthrun
subject: wtf
date: Fri Aug 27 04:53:26 2004

Hi
I work for an isp
Today I received this.
From: finchjsto@webtv.net (Jim Finch)
Date: Thu, 26 Aug 2004 22:23:37 -0400
To: support@turquoise.net
Subject: Searching for Kapu Card Game
Message-ID: <13166-412E9B29-3927@storefull-3316.bay.webtv.net>
Content-Disposition: Inline
Content-Type: Text/Plain; Charset=US-ASCII
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7Bit
MIME-Version: 1.0 (WebTV)
X-Virus-Scanned: OK, scanned by ClamAV
X-Scanned-By: MIMEDefang 2.42
X-Virus-Scanned: by amavisd-new at turquoise.net
X-UIDL: 0#5"!+@e"!>;/!!p>b"!


I have been searching for Kapu, the picture story  card game of Hawaii
(produced by Polynesian Cards, Inc, Honolulu, Hawaii, USA) ever since I
was introduced to it by a charming couple from Hawaii many years ago.  I
would love to obtain sufficient sets that I might pass them on to my
children and grandchildren so they may continue to enjoy them for many
years to come.  My deck has been used so much over the past forty years
it is ready to fall apart. Can you help me?  I Am interested in ordering
about  ten sets if they are still available. I pray that they are.

Sincerely,

Jim Finch
433Morningside Drive
Fayetteville, NC 28311-1519
USA 

E PLURIBUS UNUM


just
wtf

-----------------

poster: Korthrun
subject: >wtf
date: Fri Aug 27 09:25:08 2004

I retract this joke
Kaos informed me that it was not funny.
the guy wants his cards, and emailed me because I am god of the intarweb
sry

-----------------

poster: Kaos
subject: >>wtf
date: Fri Aug 27 10:24:29 2004

On Fri Aug 27 09:25:08 2004 Korthrun wrote post #11:
> I retract this joke
> Kaos informed me that it was not funny.
> the guy wants his cards, and emailed me because I am god of the intarweb
> sry
I'm sorry, it was funny in a special internet way. And you are still god
of the internet, atleast the Kailua Kona part.

And since the mud just rebooted in the middle of my post, you only
get the last part of the joke I was writing...


"Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts. 


Thank you

-----------------

poster: Tantrum
subject: >>>wtf
date: Fri Aug 27 10:25:20 2004

i love that joke kaos.

-----------------

poster: Korthrun
subject: >>>>wtf
date: Fri Aug 27 10:25:56 2004

On Fri Aug 27 10:25:20 2004 Tantrum wrote post #13:
> i love that joke kaos.
AHAHAHAH A STEERING WHEEL
you rokc

-----------------

poster: Rockman
subject: riddle
date: Sat Aug 28 02:15:55 2004

I am the child's best friend,
     always there to play with.
I am the teenager's long forgotten protector,
     always silently watching.
I am the murderers worst enemy,
     always a reminder of past secret deeds.
What am i?

-----------------

poster: Oruk
subject: >riddle
date: Sat Aug 28 07:44:18 2004

On Sat Aug 28 02:15:55 2004 Rockman wrote post #15:
> I am the child's best friend,
>      always there to play with.
> I am the teenager's long forgotten protector,
>      always silently watching.
> I am the murderers worst enemy,
>      always a reminder of past secret deeds.
> What am i?
chrono

-----------------

poster: Kasma
subject: >>riddle
date: Sun Aug 29 02:18:53 2004

the blood stains left after a night of bondange?
*bondage
whatever

-----------------

poster: Kalma
subject: >riddle
date: Sun Aug 29 03:35:24 2004

On Sat Aug 28 02:15:55 2004 Rockman wrote post #15:
> I am the child's best friend,
>      always there to play with.
> I am the teenager's long forgotten protector,
>      always silently watching.
> I am the murderers worst enemy,
>      always a reminder of past secret deeds.
> What am i?
a toothbrush

-----------------

poster: Joseph
subject: casino
date: Sun Aug 29 07:58:10 2004

Yesterday i have lost over 2m gold in casino
after that i managed to win ~8m there
today i'm poor guy again...

Is there anyone around that can lend me some millions so i can get
my money back? ;)

*I hate that casino guy*

-----------------

poster: Rockman
subject: >riddle
date: Sun Aug 29 09:02:33 2004

On Sat Aug 28 02:15:55 2004 Rockman wrote post #15:
> I am the child's best friend,
>      always there to play with.
> I am the teenager's long forgotten protector,
>      always silently watching.
> I am the murderers worst enemy,
>      always a reminder of past secret deeds.
> What am i?
a shadow
=)

-----------------

poster: Tass
subject: Funny stuff
date: Sun Aug 29 10:25:02 2004



-----------------

poster: Shea
subject: >>riddle
date: Sun Aug 29 14:37:55 2004

On Sun Aug 29 03:35:24 2004 Kalma wrote post #18:
> On Sat Aug 28 02:15:55 2004 Rockman wrote post #15:
> > I am the child's best friend,
> >      always there to play with.
> > I am the teenager's long forgotten protector,
> >      always silently watching.
> > I am the murderers worst enemy,
> >      always a reminder of past secret deeds.
> > What am i?
> a toothbrush
Hm...memory?

-----------------

poster: Dojjan
subject: >>>riddle
date: Sun Aug 29 15:38:21 2004

On Sun Aug 29 14:37:55 2004 Shea wrote post #22:
> On Sun Aug 29 03:35:24 2004 Kalma wrote post #18:
> > On Sat Aug 28 02:15:55 2004 Rockman wrote post #15:
> > > I am the child's best friend,
> > >      always there to play with.
> > > I am the teenager's long forgotten protector,
> > >      always silently watching.
> > > I am the murderers worst enemy,
> > >      always a reminder of past secret deeds.
> > > What am i?
> > a toothbrush
> Hm...memory?
Nono U are all wrong..
It's Chrono - The Godfather!

-----------------

poster: Tektor
subject: >riddle
date: Sun Aug 29 17:10:36 2004

On Sat Aug 28 02:15:55 2004 Rockman wrote post #15:
> I am the child's best friend,
>      always there to play with.
> I am the teenager's long forgotten protector,
>      always silently watching.
> I am the murderers worst enemy,
>      always a reminder of past secret deeds.
> What am i?
Innocence or Imagination?

-----------------

poster: auron
subject: Bathroom Joke
date: Mon Aug 30 23:30:32 2004

What do they say when you get into a bathroom club Ur-in

                                                    (Yer in)





                Get it Lol ok its not that funny cause i made it up


-----------------

poster: Tranquil
subject: >Bathroom Joke
date: Tue Aug 31 02:21:16 2004

On Mon Aug 30 23:30:32 2004 auron wrote post #25:
> What do they say when you get into a bathroom club Ur-in

>                                                     (Yer in)

> 

> 

>                 Get it Lol ok its not that funny cause i made it up

would have been a little more amusing without the '(Yer in)' and the
'Get it Lol ok its not that funny cause i made it up' bits, but not
by much

-----------------

poster: Koma
subject: >>Bathroom Joke
date: Tue Aug 31 11:48:37 2004

On Tue Aug 31 02:21:16 2004 Tranquil wrote post #26:
> On Mon Aug 30 23:30:32 2004 auron wrote post #25:
> > What do they say when you get into a bathroom club Ur-in

> >                                                     (Yer in)

> > 

> > 

> >                 Get it Lol ok its not that funny cause i made it up

> would have been a little more amusing without the '(Yer in)' and the
> 'Get it Lol ok its not that funny cause i made it up' bits, but not
> by much

God damnit Tranquil, why do you have to be such a sour pussy. I
lolled at the joke and I thought it was v.funny. Plz post more.
Love, Koma

-----------------

poster: Tranquil
subject: >>>Bathroom Joke
date: Tue Aug 31 13:00:16 2004

On Tue Aug 31 11:48:37 2004 Koma wrote post #27:
> On Tue Aug 31 02:21:16 2004 Tranquil wrote post #26:
> > On Mon Aug 30 23:30:32 2004 auron wrote post #25:
> > > What do they say when you get into a bathroom club Ur-in

> > >                                                     (Yer in)

> > > 

> > > 

> > >                 Get it Lol ok its not that funny cause i made it up

> > would have been a little more amusing without the '(Yer in)' and the
> > 'Get it Lol ok its not that funny cause i made it up' bits, but not
> > by much
> 
> God damnit Tranquil, why do you have to be such a sour pussy. I
> lolled at the joke and I thought it was v.funny. Plz post more.
> Love, Koma

Sry Koam, I didant know you had already rated this article. Sry, sry.
Lub, Tranquil

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: A man goes to the doctors...
date: Sat Sep  4 01:24:00 2004

...with a radish stuck up his nose, bits of a cucumber
in his left ear and pizza smeared over his right cheek.

He tells the doctor that he feels tired all the time
and he's losing weight.  What's wrong?

"You're not eating properly".

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: True story
date: Mon Sep  6 15:06:19 2004

Here in the UK, the authorities appear to have an obsession with
fining drivers for anything they can.

Recently, they fined a Swedish man for illegally parking
his snowmobile in Warwick, in June.

He received a demand at his home, about 200 miles north of
Stockholm.  He hasn't been to England for years and has
never taken his snowmobile there.  Hardly surprising, given
that it doesn't snow much here.  There's no record of it
ever snowing in June in Warwick.

Nyland told the Guardian: "England doesn't have that muchsnow, does
it? Particularly not in June. My snowmobile is parked in my barn. It
has never left Sweden. I use it for recreation locally. If I wanted
to go on holiday with my snowmobile, I think I would go somewhere
else where there is snow, like Finland."

-----------------

poster: Rockman
subject: biker joke
date: Tue Sep  7 02:26:17 2004

A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his
whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the biker
and asked, "Are you 
a real biker?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on Harleys. My momma was
pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy's Harley,
then as a 
little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my
own Harley. I've been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I
am a real 
biker."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I
shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think
of women." Then she got up and left.
The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down
next to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian"

-----------------

poster: Rockman
subject: another biker
date: Tue Sep  7 02:31:14 2004

A man dies & appears at The Pearly Gates. 

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?. Have you
exhibited courage?", St. Peter asks. 

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once I came upon
a group of  Bikers who were bothering a young woman.
I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I
approached the largest and meanest looking one. I smacked him
on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and
threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Now get out of here."
 
St. Peter was visibly impressed. "When did this happen?" 

"Just a few minutes ago."

-----------------

poster: athena
subject: Best of the Olympics :P
date: Fri Sep 10 07:31:13 2004

 Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during

  the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:







  1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I

  saw her snatch this morning during her warm up, and it was amazing."



  2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse, and I speak

  from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."







  3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my

  mother and father."







  4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some

  deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."







  5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we

  can expect the same thing again."







  6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot, and the opposition doesn't

  like it. In fact, you can see it all over their faces."







  7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the

  IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."







  8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've

  got eleven Dicks on the field."





  9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is

  that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses

  them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"


-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >Best of the Olympics :P
date: Fri Sep 10 18:10:03 2004

On Fri Sep 10 07:31:13 2004 athena wrote post #33:
> 

> 

> 

>   8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've

>   got eleven Dicks on the field."

> 

> 

>   9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is

>   that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses

>   them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

This is hilarious Athy... are these quotes for real? I can't believe
so many silly puns
came out of 20 some odd days of coverage.

Malifix should be proud.

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: >>Best of the Olympics :P
date: Sat Sep 11 01:47:34 2004

On Fri Sep 10 18:10:03 2004 Uno wrote post #34:
> On Fri Sep 10 07:31:13 2004 athena wrote post #33:
> > 
> 
> > 
> 
> > 
> 
> >   8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've
> 
> >   got eleven Dicks on the field."
> 
> > 
> 
> > 
> 
> >   9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is
> 
> >   that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
> 
> >   them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
> 
> This is hilarious Athy... are these quotes for real? I can't believe
> so many silly puns
> came out of 20 some odd days of coverage.
> 
> Malifix should be proud.
They aren't all from the same tournament - I've seen most of those
months or years ago.

-----------------

poster: Zag
subject: >>>Best of the Olympics :P
date: Sat Sep 11 01:52:16 2004

We were watching the Olympic male gymnastics, and one announcers was
asking the other about what the other announcer thought made the
athlete special.  He turned to the right and said "So Jim, what does
XXX do that exites you"?  Needless to say we burst out laughing for
a while.

-----------------

poster: Korthrun
subject:  
date: Sat Sep 11 04:15:58 2004

Mom was cleaning the house when she found her son's
hidden stash of S&M and sexual bondage magazines.

Naturally, she was very upset and she didn't know
what to do.  So, she waited until her husband got
home to discuss it with him.

After she showed him the magazines, she asked him,
"Well, what are you going to do about it?"

"I don't know what to do." he told her.  "I really
don't think I should give him a spanking for this!"

-----------------

poster: Nyx
subject: Stupid IRC crap
date: Sun Sep 12 08:06:27 2004

Phoenix> Dude, wanna hear a fucked up story? 
Phoenix> So, Im at the usual weekend frat parties and i've been
talking to this girl for the majority of the night. 
Phoenix> Anyway I ended up going back with her to her dorm. About
another 8shots later, we end up fooling around on her bed. 
Phoenix> So about 10min's into her giving me head, I had to drop the
fattest shit in my life. 
Phoenix> All my meals were followed by 3tsp of metamucil so I could
get lots of fiber in me to combat the carbs a litte. Anyway im
holdin my #2 in and finally it goes away. We both end up passing out
on her bed, she's butt naked and im in my boxers. 
Phoenix> I wake up to piss and I find myself covered in shit. It was
all over the bed,sheets,etc.... Im freakin out so I did the most
horrible thing in the world. 
Phoenix> She's sleeping with her back towards me, so I take my
boxers off, scoop up some shit and gently smear it on the inside of
her butt, her lower back, and a little on the back of her hammies. 
Phoenix> I get dressed and leave... This poor girl is gonna think
she did it. I didnt know what else to do though. I have no clue what
im gonna do when I end up running into her. 

 i don't have hard drives. i just keep 30 chinese teenagers
in my basement and force them to memorize numbers 

Primus521: hey dude the funniest thing happened to me today 
Primus521: im at walmart and this chick is buying a box of tampons
and they are missing the upc and wont ring up 
Primus521: so the cashier tells his buddy to get a price check on tampax 
Primus521: the dude looks at him and says, "the kind u push in, or
the kind you hammer in?" 
Primus521: lol 
Primus521: turns out he misheard him 
Primus521: he thought he said thumbtacs 
Primus521: you should have seen the look on the chicks face 
Primus521: omfg 
Primus521: til the day i die 
Primus521: i will never forget it 

 Has anyone ever logged into dev0n's FTP? 
 ouro: that some kind of sexual innuendo? 
 is that a euphemism? 
 Possibly 
 Shhh 
 I try to be subtle about these things. 
 in that case, i 'log into dev0ns ftp' all the time 
 Yeah, she gave me her "login" but she won't reply to my "/msgs" 
 dude i had 'sex' with her in the 'butt' the other day 
 oh wait 
 we're being subtle 

 Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OS's is
like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on all genders 

 what is the legal age to buy alcoholic in england ? 
 you cant buy alcoholics 
 but if you wink the right way, some of them will follow
you home for free 

 SO U HACKING ME THEN HUH 
 WElL I GOT NEWS FOR U MISTER I GOT MORE FIREWALL POWERS NOW
SO IM SECURE AND IM USING WINDOWS 98 SO IM REALLY SECURE FROM
HACKERS LIKE YOU SO YOU BETTA JUST GIVE UP CUZ U GOT NO HOPE MISTER.

* YuFFie (~mirc@3B942731.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) Quit (Quit: Owned.) 
* YuFFie (~mirc@3B942731.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) has joined # 
 HELP MY MOUSE IS MOVING BY IT SELF 

And one to pwn them all: 
<@maddox> FUCK! 
<@maddox> my mom just found my website 
<+DMTec> isn't she proud? 
<+khoveraki> ha 
<@naken> you've been on tv 2 times, in the newspapers several times,
been banned from a country, has 40 million pageviews 
<@naken> and you didn't tell your mother? 
<@maddox> "what is this? Did you draw this? It looks like a penis."
"No mom, I didn't draw a penis" 
<+DMTec> ROFL 
<+DMTec> "no mom, i didn't draw a penis" thats good 
<@maddox> now she's crying 
 haha, your mom doesn't know about your website? 
<@maddox> (on the phone) 
<+DMTec> maddox: did she see the "suprise - I have a penis"-greeting card? 
<@maddox> dmtec: oh fuck, I forgot about that.. yeah I guess I did
draw a penis. 
 bahahahaha 
<@maddox> hahahahahaha she just said "I wish I would have died and
not raised you" 
<+khoveraki> rofl 
<@maddox> she hung up 
 You are dispwned maddox 

-----------------

poster: Korthrun
subject: only fools are positive
date: Tue Sep 14 22:35:16 2004

Two sodium atoms talking together.

First atom: "Help, somebody has stolen one of my electrons."
Second atom: "Are you sure?"
First atom: "I'm positive!!" 

-----------------

poster: Daran
subject: jokes for the day
date: Tue Sep 21 04:14:53 2004

A guy goes into his proctologist's office for his first rectal exam.
A nurse guides him into the examination room and directs him to get
undressed, put on the gown, and have a seat as the doctor will be a
few minutes. After putting on the gown, the guy sits down and sees a
tube of ky, a rubber glove, and a beer. When the doctor finally
enters the room, the guy asks his doctor, "I'm a little confused
here. I understand what they lube and glove is for, but why in the
world do you need a beer?" The doctor looks at the beer for a
second, storms out of the room, and shouts at the nurse, "Damnit
nurse, I told you I needed a BUTT LIGHT!!"

*************

A lady is at the grocery store picking through the frozen turkeys,
but can't find one big enough for her family. She asks the nearest
stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied,
"No ma'am.....they're dead."

*************

A long-term, regular welfare collector walks into the local welfare
office and marches straight up to the counter. He tells the social
worker, "I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.
Is there anything you can do for me?" The social worker responses
with, "Your timing is excellent sir. We just got an opening this
morning from a very wealthy old man who wants a bodyguard for his
nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive her around in his
Mercedes, work long hours, and even escort her on all her
international holiday trips. You will have your own private
two-bedroom apartment above the garage and food/clothing will be
provided. The starting salary for this difficult job is $100,000 a
year." The guy stammers, "You are totally bullshitting me." The
social worker replies, "Yeah, well you started it."

-----------------

poster: Reamus
subject: CNN Provides:
date: Wed Sep 22 03:40:02 2004

http://www.cnn.com/2004/WORLD/europe/09/20/kalashnikov.vodka.reut/index.html

(Unkie) Reamus

-----------------

poster: Sebastian
subject: eheh
date: Fri Sep 24 16:40:49 2004

It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change
the admittance policy.

The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a
really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at
noon the following day.

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The angel at the gate, promptly asked the man, "before I can let you
in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."

"No problem." said the man. "For some time now, I've thought my wife
was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour,
she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex
with him.

So today I was going to come home too, and catch them.

Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for
this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the
entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him!

Just when I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the
balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his
fingertips!

The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me!

Well I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he
fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some
bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die.

This pissed me off even more so in a rage I went back inside to get
the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly
enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator.

I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side.

It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that, I
had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy
DID Have a bad day and it WAS a crime of passion. So he announced,
"Ok, sir, Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok, here's the rule.
Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."

"Sure thing" the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I
was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily
exercises, when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell
over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my
fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a
sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts
cussing and stomping on my fingers!

Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down
which broke my fall. So I didn't die right away.

As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in
excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all
things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills
me!"

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his
story. "I could get used to this new policy", he thinks to himself.
"Very well", the angel announces. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven",
and lets the man enter.

A few seconds later a third man comes up to gate. "Tell me about the
day you died." said the angel.

"Ok, picture this," says the man. > > "I'm naked, inside a
refrigerator............."

-----------------

poster: Nyx
subject: >eheh
date: Sat Sep 25 10:11:34 2004

Awesome. I laughed good. GOOD JOB!

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: Jokes
date: Sat Sep 25 21:12:32 2004

Two physicists were in a debate. As the debate raged, however, they
came to realize that their competing theories were not actually
incompatible. Having come to this conclusion, each stepped out from
behind his lectern and strode towards the other, across the lecture
hall. They reached out their hands to shake, and--ZAP--a small spark
of static electricity jumped between their fingers.

"Well," one said to the other, "I'm glad we've finally found a common ground."

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: Lord of the Rings...
date: Sat Sep 25 21:14:36 2004


Gandalf: That ring is bad news, Frodo, it must be destroyed.
Frodo: How so?
Gandalf: It must be placed in the fires of Mount Doom.


Frodo: Oh well, I guess that means a lot of walking, camping and then
running away from monsters, lots of death and almost losing all my friends?

Gandalf: Nah, I know some big eagles that can fly us straight to the
mountain and we can drop it in the lava. We'll be home by tea.

Frodo: Nice one!

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >Lord of the Rings...
date: Mon Sep 27 13:54:01 2004

On Sat Sep 25 21:14:36 2004 Tahnval wrote post #45:
> Gandalf: It must be placed in the fires of Mount Doom.
> 
> 
> Frodo: Oh well, I guess that means a lot of walking, camping and then
> running away from monsters, lots of death and almost losing all my friends?
> 
> Gandalf: Nah, I know some big eagles that can fly us straight to the
> mountain and we can drop it in the lava. We'll be home by tea.
> 
> Frodo: Nice one!
ehehe

-----------------

poster: Sebastian
subject: eheh2!
date: Thu Sep 30 12:15:56 2004

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, Please come over here and
help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
it started. He asks, What is it supposed to be when it's finished?
The blonde says, According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread
all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment,
then looks at the box, then turns to  her and says, "First;of all,
no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to;assemble these
pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says,
"Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and
then..." he sighed,...
Lets put all these frost flakes back in the box..

-----------------

poster: Wildchild
subject: an Iowa baby
date: Tue Oct  5 20:26:35 2004

An Iowa farmer is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on
his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a
round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his
wife has just produced a typical Iowa baby boy, weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
the farmer just shrugs, "That's about average down home,
folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Iowa baby boy.

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations
of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy
pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say,
you're the father of that typical Iowa baby that weighed 25 ponds at
birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd
be in two weeks. We were gonna call you; so how much does he weigh
now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already
weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The farmer takes a slow swig from his long-neck beer, wipes his lips
on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had
him circumcised."


-----------------

poster: Korthrun
subject: Commander of the world
date: Thu Oct  7 02:45:34 2004

President Bush was visiting a primary school. One of the classes was
in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the
discussion of the word "tragedy."


So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy."


One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives
on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and
kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a
tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would
call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an
example of tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a
quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying Mr. Bush was struck
by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be
a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident
either." 

-----------------

poster: Korthrun
subject: bad joke
date: Fri Oct  8 03:30:08 2004

In a train car there was a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking
blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.

After several minutes of the trip, the train happens to pass through a
dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.

When they leave the tunnel,the American had a big red slap mark on his
cheek. The blonde thought - "That American son of a bitch wanted to touch
me and by mistake,he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn
must have slapped his face."

The fat lady thought - "That dirty old American laid his hands on the
blonde and she smacked him."

The American thought - "That dumb Canadian put his hand on that blonde and
by mistake she slapped me."

The Canadian thought - "I hope there is another tunnel soon, so I can
smack that stupid American again." 

-----------------

poster: Anlo
subject: Repost from another forum
date: Fri Oct  8 15:04:10 2004

This was on my clan forum in another game :) Just thought I had to share it.
Instructions on how to clean your toilet   

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to
the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the
noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a
\"power-wash\" and rinse\".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there
are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the
bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

-----------------

poster: Anlo
subject: Erm..
date: Fri Oct  8 15:07:07 2004

The end of the last post didn't really get there. It's: Sincerely,

The Dog

-----------------

poster: highpriest
subject: Guess
date: Tue Oct 12 09:56:47 2004

As I was gonna graduate from high school this year and go on to college, I asked one of my friends about the courses/subjects offered in college education (he knows more than I do about things like this), he told us a short story about his tutor when the tutor was still in a college.



(He refers to the tutor in the story)

He took Further Mathematics when he was in college. For the most basic thing one learns (he said), was to write an essay about 'Prove that 1+1=2' (need to use differentiation, integration etc to prove). For such an essay, they are expected to write 4 pages. On a particular exam, there are 6 questions, for each question he wrote an average of 8-10pages. Result --- he got 12 out of 50 marks for that exam, the best student in the class got 22 out of 50 marks. Why? --- that student used about a pad of writing paper (each pad is 50 sheets of paper, each sheet is 2 pages).



Then my friend told me the theme of the whole story, anyone would like to guess what he said? :P



-HP

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >Guess
date: Thu Oct 14 15:27:22 2004

On Tue Oct 12 09:56:47 2004 highpriest wrote post #55:
> 
> He took Further Mathematics when he was in college. For the most basic
thing one learns (he said), was to write an essay about 'Prove that 1+1=2'
(need to use differentiation, integration etc to prove). For such an essay,
they are expected to write 4 pages. On a particular exam, there are 6
questions, for each question he wrote an average of 8-10pages. Result --- he
got 12 out of 50 marks for that exam, the best student in the class got 22
out of 50 marks. Why? --- that student used about a pad of writing paper
(each pad is 50 sheets of paper, each sheet is 2 pages).
> 
> 
> 
> Then my friend told me the theme of the whole story, anyone would like to
guess what he said? :P
> 
> 
> 
> -HP
worst joke EVAR :C

-----------------

poster: Rockman
subject: >>Guess
date: Thu Oct 14 20:13:52 2004

On Thu Oct 14 15:27:22 2004 Uno wrote post #56:
> > 
> > 
> > 
> > Then my friend told me the theme of the whole story, anyone would like to
> guess what he said? :P
> > 
> > 
> > 
> > -HP
> worst joke EVAR :C
what was the answer?

-----------------

poster: Monkey
subject: >>>Guess
date: Fri Oct 15 05:12:30 2004

On Thu Oct 14 20:13:52 2004 Rockman wrote post #57:
> On Thu Oct 14 15:27:22 2004 Uno wrote post #56:
> > > 
> > > 
> > > 
> > > Then my friend told me the theme of the whole story, anyone would like
to
> > guess what he said? :P
> > > 
> > > 
> > > 
> > > -HP
> > worst joke EVAR :C
> what was the answer?
shrug..must have something to do with the number of papers plus 2
dunno just my guess eheheh but im dumb so.

-----------------

poster: Rizzly
subject: >>>>Guess
date: Fri Oct 15 05:57:40 2004

Gonna guess that the theme is: "Don't take Higher Math courses." 
That's what I get from the story at least.

-----------------

poster: Highpriest
subject: >Guess
date: Fri Oct 15 12:22:28 2004

On Tue Oct 12 09:56:47 2004 highpriest wrote post #55 in jokes:

> As I was gonna graduate from high school this year and go on to college, I asked one of my friends about the courses/subjects offered in college education (he knows more than I do about things like this), he told us a short story about his tutor when the tutor was still in a college.

> 

> 

> 

> (He refers to the tutor in the story)

> 

> He took Further Mathematics when he was in college. For the most basic thing one learns (he said), was to write an essay about 'Prove that 1+1=2' (need to use differentiation, integration etc to prove). For such an essay, they are expected to write 4 pages. On a particular exam, there are 6 questions, for each question he wrote an average of 8-10pages. Result --- he got 12 out of 50 marks for that exam, the best student in the class got 22 out of 50 marks. Why? --- that student used about a pad of writing paper (each pad is 50 sheets of paper, each sheet is 2 pages).

> 

> 

> 

> Then my friend told me the theme of the whole story, anyone would like to guess what he said? :P

> 

> 

> 

> -HP



None of you got it totally right...

Answer: If you are good in maths, don't take Further Maths as it is environmentally unfriendly.

That answer that my friend told me stunned me...

-----------------

poster: Highpriest
subject: >Guess
date: Fri Oct 15 12:23:13 2004

On Tue Oct 12 09:56:47 2004 highpriest wrote post #55 in jokes:

> As I was gonna graduate from high school this year and go on to college, I asked one of my friends about the courses/subjects offered in college education (he knows more than I do about things like this), he told us a short story about his tutor when the tutor was still in a college.

> 

> 

> 

> (He refers to the tutor in the story)

> 

> He took Further Mathematics when he was in college. For the most basic thing one learns (he said), was to write an essay about 'Prove that 1+1=2' (need to use differentiation, integration etc to prove). For such an essay, they are expected to write 4 pages. On a particular exam, there are 6 questions, for each question he wrote an average of 8-10pages. Result --- he got 12 out of 50 marks for that exam, the best student in the class got 22 out of 50 marks. Why? --- that student used about a pad of writing paper (each pad is 50 sheets of paper, each sheet is 2 pages).

> 

> 

> 

> Then my friend told me the theme of the whole story, anyone would like to guess what he said? :P

> 

> 

> 

> -HP



None of you got it totally right...

Answer: If you are good in maths, don't take Further Maths as it is environmentally unfriendly.

That answer that my friend told me stunned me...

-----------------

poster: Lu
subject: >>>>Guess
date: Fri Oct 15 14:19:08 2004

On Fri Oct 15 12:53:05 2004 Highpriest wrote post #68:
> On Fri Oct 15 12:27:38 2004 Tranquil wrote post #67 in jokes:

> > why the FUCK are you posting this so much? we got it the first time.

> 

> Sorry, it's bugging: it says bad gateway 502 (or some other number), but i
didn't know it was sent and i kept retrying, someone plz bug rep it...

> 

> Apology to all, -HP
ussually when bugs happen to a person, said person bug reps it, not
the people that aren't experiencing the bug
p.s. tranquil said FUCK, badboy

-----------------

poster: Tektor
subject: >>>>>>Guess
date: Fri Oct 15 14:26:29 2004

On Fri Oct 15 14:22:08 2004 Tranquil wrote post #70:
> On Fri Oct 15 14:19:08 2004 Lu wrote post #69:
> > On Fri Oct 15 12:53:05 2004 Highpriest wrote post #68:
> > > On Fri Oct 15 12:27:38 2004 Tranquil wrote post #67 in jokes:

> > > > why the FUCK are you posting this so much? we got it the first time.

> > > 

> > > Sorry, it's bugging: it says bad gateway 502 (or some other number),
but i
> > didn't know it was sent and i kept retrying, someone plz bug rep it...

> > > 

> > > Apology to all, -HP
> > ussually when bugs happen to a person, said person bug reps it, not
> > the people that aren't experiencing the bug
> > p.s. tranquil said FUCK, badboy
> sry for saying FUCK lu, sry sry. i will try not to say FUCK anymore
> if the word FUCK makes you feel sad. sry, sry.
Well if he is posting from web like he was might be hard to bug
report as it is an ingame command.
could be wrong whooo knows!

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >>Guess
date: Fri Oct 15 15:25:40 2004

On Fri Oct 15 12:26:44 2004 Highpriest wrote post #65:
> > 

> > 

> > 

> > -HP

> 

> None of you got it totally right...

> Answer: If you are good in maths, don't take Further Maths as it is
environmentally unfriendly.

> That answer that my friend told me stunned me...

> 

> -HP
P.s. I think you all missed the REAL point here....

which is this:

suddenly this has gone from the worst joke ever to the FUNNIEST JOKE
IN THE HISTORY OF FUNNINESS IN THIS WEIRD LITTLE UNIVERSE OF WORLDS
WE CALL EARTH!!!1111oneoneone

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: You know what my jokes are like...
date: Sat Oct 16 00:34:06 2004

A rather clumsy person is filling their car up at a petrol station
and gets petrol on the sleeve of their shirt.  Being stupid as
well as clumsy, they don't do anything about it.

A little while later, they're driving down the motorway at 70mph and
decide to have a cigarette.  Unsurprisingly, the petrol-splattered
sleeve catches fire.

Whoa, shit!  Their arm is on fire!  Panic!  The only thing they
can think of is to stick their arm out the window and wave
it about.  At 70mph, maybe the wind will put the fire out.

Fortunately for them, it works.  It's attracted attention, though.
How often do you see someone driving at 70mph with their arm
on fire, waving it around through the window?

A couple of miles down the road, the police pull them over
and arrest them for possessing a firearm.

-----------------

poster: Nyx
subject: >>Guess
date: Sat Oct 16 06:07:43 2004

On Fri Oct 15 12:26:44 2004 Highpriest wrote post #65:
> On Tue Oct 12 09:56:47 2004 highpriest wrote post #55 in jokes:
> 
> > Then my friend told me the theme of the whole story, anyone would like
to guess what he said? :P
> 
> > 
> 
> > 
> 
> > 
> 
> > -HP
> 
> 
> 
> None of you got it totally right...
> 
> Answer: If you are good in maths, don't take Further Maths as it is
environmentally unfriendly.
> 
> That answer that my friend told me stunned me...
> 
> 
> 
> -HP
I know when stunned you are unable to move, but next time take your
damn hand off the enter key.

-----------------

poster: highpriest
subject: RE: Tektor, Lu, Nyx
date: Sat Oct 16 10:05:04 2004

RE: Tektor & Lu

Yes, Tektor got it right, I froze myself so I can't bug-rep it, so someone bug-rep it for me plz...



RE: Nyx

No idea what you meant by the enter key thing, but I guess you meant the spaces between each line in the posts... It has nothing to do with my enter key, it is probably another bug (which happens only when I use reply though)...



-HP

-----------------

poster: Malifix
subject: >You know what my jokes are like...
date: Sat Oct 16 20:50:01 2004

On Sat Oct 16 00:34:06 2004 Tahnval wrote post #75:
> Whoa, shit!  Their arm is on fire!  Panic!  The only thing they
> can think of is to stick their arm out the window and wave
> it about.  At 70mph, maybe the wind will put the fire out.
> 
> Fortunately for them, it works.  It's attracted attention, though.
> How often do you see someone driving at 70mph with their arm
> on fire, waving it around through the window?
> 
> A couple of miles down the road, the police pull them over
> and arrest them for possessing a firearm.
Omigod!  That is too funny.  From one punmeister to an udder, you
milked that one for all it was worth.  :)

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: >>You know what my jokes are like...
date: Sun Oct 17 01:56:35 2004

On Sat Oct 16 20:50:01 2004 Malifix wrote post #78:
> On Sat Oct 16 00:34:06 2004 Tahnval wrote post #75:
> > Whoa, shit!  Their arm is on fire!  Panic!  The only thing they
> > can think of is to stick their arm out the window and wave
> > it about.  At 70mph, maybe the wind will put the fire out.
> > 
> > Fortunately for them, it works.  It's attracted attention, though.
> > How often do you see someone driving at 70mph with their arm
> > on fire, waving it around through the window?
> > 
> > A couple of miles down the road, the police pull them over
> > and arrest them for possessing a firearm.
> Omigod!  That is too funny.  From one punmeister to an udder, you
> milked that one for all it was worth.  :)
You ought to see it IRL, where I do the actions too.

-----------------

poster: Nyx
subject: John Kerry Supports making jokes...
date: Thu Oct 21 09:46:12 2004

...that only one dude knowsi s racist....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Way to funny.
http://www4.ncsu.edu/~drtaylor/kerry/kerry.html

-----------------

poster: Nyx
subject: Eggs, Eggs, Eggs
date: Sat Oct 23 08:13:59 2004

http://www.iloveegg.com/winopen_ani/eggsong.htm

-----------------

poster: Nyx
subject: No, don't turn around!
date: Sat Oct 23 08:30:19 2004

http://www.devincible.com/truth/
Heehee....I liked John Kerry and TERROR!

-----------------

poster: Khosan
subject: voting time
date: Mon Oct 25 23:15:13 2004

http://www.boomchicago.nl/images/Voting_Machine.wmv

-----------------

poster: Rizzly
subject: Bush vs Bush
date: Tue Oct 26 04:47:57 2004

If any of you guys have the time/patience/downloading capabilities,
go to this web site and download the file.  It's pretty hilarious.

http://www.onlisareinsradar.com/archives/001279.php

-----------------

poster: Genesis
subject: 10 Geekiest Hobbies
date: Tue Oct 26 06:39:14 2004

It's teh funny.

http://www.jengajam.com/r/10907

-----------------

poster: Monkey
subject: Monster Slash
date: Wed Oct 27 03:27:52 2004

For those who missed it:
www.monsterslash.com
Very funnay. Perfect Halloween/Election Day music.

-----------------

poster: Monkey
subject: The BIGGEST Pig
date: Fri Oct 29 08:54:04 2004

After loosing the blue ribbon in the 'Biggest Pig" contest for the
tenth year in a row the farmer said; "I'm gonna win 
next year, even if I gotta cheat!" He took his prize pig home, and
thought about it for a couple of weeks. Finally he had 
a plan. He went out to the barn and stuffed a huge cork in his prize
pig's ass. "Now we'll win next year for sure!" Over 
the next couple of months he fed his pig the best slop that he could
find. As each week passed the pig got bigger and 
bigger. After six months the pig was up to 1,865 pounds. The farmer
was sure he was going to win. Five months later at the 
time of the fair, the pig was up to 3,582 pounds. The farmer had to
use a crane to load and get the pig to the fair 
grounds. The next day the pig was awarded the "Blue Ribbon". The
farmer asked if he could leave his pig at the fair 
grounds. He had to find a way to get the cork out of the pigs ass,
and he knew what was going to happen then. While 
reading the want adds one day, he came across an add for a monkey
that could pull a cork out of a bottle at the ring of a 
bell. A light came on in the farmer's head, and he rushed over to
buy the monkey. On his way to the fair grounds he saw 
three kids picking up bottles for refunds. He asked them if they
wanted to make ten dollars each and they agreed. 
He took them to the fair, and placed the first boy 100 yards behind
the pig. He placed another boy 50 yards behind the 
pig, and the third boy directly behind the pig. He had instructed
each boy to simply tell him what they saw. Then he 
placed the monkey on the pigs back and rang a bell. The monkey
reached down and struggled to pull the cork free. 
With a loud "pop!" the cork came out. There was a violent rush of
wind, and a smell that was gut wrenching. Then as the 
dust cleared, the farmer went to the first boy. "What did you see?",
asked the farmer. "Mister, I saw a great big black 
cloud coming at me 100 miles per hour, and the smell made me throw
up!" "OK", the farmer said giving him his ten dollars. 
He asked the second boy what he saw. "CRAP man! thatís all I saw was
CRAP! "Ok", said the farmer giving him his ten 
dollars. Then he went to the third boy and asked him what he saw.
The third boy was shaking his head and said; "All I 
could see was that poor little monkey trying to stuff that cork back
up that pig's ass!"

-----------------

poster: Tranquil
subject: Headlines
date: Mon Nov  1 07:42:55 2004



Here are some of last year's true headlines:

* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
* Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
* Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
* Miners Refuse to Work After Death
* Juvanile Court to Try Shooting Defendants
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetary; Hundreds Dead

And, my personal favorite,

* Astronaught Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft


-----------------

poster: Inside
subject: >No, don't turn around!
date: Mon Nov  1 22:38:34 2004

On Sat Oct 23 08:30:19 2004 Nyx wrote post #82 in jokes:

> http://www.devincible.com/truth/

> Heehee....I liked John Kerry and TERROR!



you find some frighteningly funny sites. you must be a terrorist.

-----------------

poster: Nyx
subject: >>No, don't turn around!
date: Wed Nov  3 08:31:48 2004

On Mon Nov  1 22:38:34 2004 Inside wrote post #89:
> On Sat Oct 23 08:30:19 2004 Nyx wrote post #82 in jokes:
> 
> > http://www.devincible.com/truth/
> 
> > Heehee....I liked John Kerry and TERROR!
> 
> 
> 
> you find some frighteningly funny sites. you must be a terrorist.
Shh...don't turn around...I'm right behind you. No. Don't look. I'm
right behind the couch.

-----------------

poster: Inside
subject: >>>No, don't turn around!
date: Fri Nov  5 04:35:38 2004

On Wed Nov  3 08:31:48 2004 Nyx wrote post #90 in jokes:

> On Mon Nov  1 22:38:34 2004 Inside wrote post #89:

> > On Sat Oct 23 08:30:19 2004 Nyx wrote post #82 in jokes:

> > 

> > > http://www.devincible.com/truth/

> > 

> > > Heehee....I liked John Kerry and TERROR!

> > 

> > 

> > 

> > you find some frighteningly funny sites. you must be a terrorist.

> Shh...don't turn around...I'm right behind you. No. Don't look. I'm

> right behind the couch.

Must... call... FBI...

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: Films in 30 seconds!
date: Sat Nov  6 01:39:36 2004

http://www.angryalien.com/

Hilarious, in a very silly way.  "Remakes" of various
famous films...all finished in 30 seconds and "acted"
by cartoon rabbits.

-----------------

poster: Ronan
subject: Hi
date: Mon Nov  8 17:46:32 2004

A Guy walks into a bar and asks the Bartender for a glass of water.
The bartender pulls out his gun and says "Get the F*ck outta here"
The man looks at the Bartender and say "Thanks"
then he walks out of the bar
Why did the Man thank the Bartender?

-----------------

poster: Ronan
subject: Answer
date: Mon Nov  8 17:47:56 2004

He had hiccups

-----------------

poster: Nyx
subject: Sorry everyone
date: Wed Nov 10 05:44:52 2004

http://72.3.131.10/gallery/1/

-----------------

poster: Wildchild
subject: >Sorry everyone
date: Wed Nov 10 16:30:38 2004

On Wed Nov 10 05:44:52 2004 Nyx wrote post #95:
> http://72.3.131.10/gallery/1/

Why is this a joke again? ;)

-WildChild

-----------------

poster: Nyx
subject: >>Sorry everyone
date: Wed Nov 10 21:21:55 2004

On Wed Nov 10 16:30:38 2004 Wildchild wrote post #96:
> On Wed Nov 10 05:44:52 2004 Nyx wrote post #95:
> > http://72.3.131.10/gallery/1/
> 
> Why is this a joke again? ;)
> 
> -WildChild
Cause I was told it didn't really belong anywhere else. I wanted to
put it in general....but was told it might be better here.
It's here cause I was trying not to spam I guess. I didn't think it
was a joke though....I forwarded it to alot of people actually.

-----------------

poster: Wildchild
subject: The good ol' South
date: Thu Nov 11 04:20:05 2004

To go along with the site that Nyx posted (www.sorryeverybody.com;
the DNS is a little slow in updating), I present another wonderful
site on the futility of living in certain parts of America:

http://www.fuckthesouth.com/


-WildChild

-----------------

poster: Nyx
subject: >The good ol' South
date: Thu Nov 11 08:19:56 2004

On Thu Nov 11 04:20:05 2004 Wildchild wrote post #98:
> To go along with the site that Nyx posted (www.sorryeverybody.com;
> the DNS is a little slow in updating), I present another wonderful
> site on the futility of living in certain parts of America:
> 
> http://www.fuckthesouth.com/
> 
> 
> -WildChild
That's awesome! My bos showed that to me the other day, we were
laughing so hard!
Thanks for posting!
Nyx

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: Start groaning now...
date: Sat Nov 13 03:12:56 2004

Two ur-humans are in a cave many thousands of years ago,
communicating in their crude and primitive fashion

1st ur-human:  "Ugh!"
2nd ur-human: "Ugh!"
1st ur-human:  "Ugh!"
2nd ur-human: "Ugh! Urgh!"
1st ur-human: "Don't change the subject!"

-----------------

poster: Panacea
subject: down under
date: Wed Nov 17 05:58:32 2004

A guy goes to Australia and applies for a Visa.  The Immigration
officer asks him "Do you have a criminal record?"  The guy answers
"Why, do you still need one?"

-----------------

poster: Aetherwynd
subject: eheh silly
date: Wed Nov 17 08:10:17 2004

http://daemlich.net/2736
;)

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: >down under
date: Thu Nov 18 04:14:53 2004

On Wed Nov 17 05:58:32 2004 Panacea wrote post #101:
> A guy goes to Australia and applies for a Visa.  The Immigration
> officer asks him "Do you have a criminal record?"  The guy answers
> "Why, do you still need one?"
Oh man, that is good.

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: A crossword clue...
date: Thu Nov 18 04:23:06 2004


Sea mammal.  5,3.


The answer is:  ship's cat.

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: Remember GeForce FX5800 cooling?
date: Thu Nov 18 04:26:23 2004

Some people from nVidia got together to take the piss out of
FlowFX, the cooling system on the 5800, which was farcically loud.
Here's the "planning session in which the release of the card was approved."
http://www.fileshack.com/file.x?fid=2923

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >A crossword clue...
date: Thu Nov 18 15:05:40 2004

On Thu Nov 18 04:23:06 2004 Tahnval wrote post #104:
> Sea mammal.  5,3.
> 
> 
> The answer is:  ship's cat.
Plz insert more words to make joke.
Tx

Love,
beav

-----------------

poster: Monkey
subject: It's Funny Cuz It's True
date: Thu Nov 18 20:44:12 2004

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/bunny.php
FPFPFFFRSSSSK!
Sorry.
Lub Munkay

-----------------

poster: Korthrun
subject: mmm
date: Thu Nov 18 22:49:49 2004

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a pooodle under one arm and a
two foot salami under the other.
the bartender says, "I guess you don't need a drink" the blonde says
"i forgot my pencil".

-----------------

poster: Bahgtru
subject: >mmm
date: Fri Nov 19 11:22:13 2004

On Thu Nov 18 22:49:49 2004 Korthrun wrote post #108:
> A naked blonde walks into a bar with a pooodle under one arm and a
> two foot salami under the other.
> the bartender says, "I guess you don't need a drink" the blonde says
> "i forgot my pencil".
Am I the only one who doesn't get it?

-----------------

poster: Belgarion
subject: >>mmm
date: Fri Nov 19 22:30:32 2004

On Fri Nov 19 11:22:13 2004 Bahgtru wrote post #109:
> On Thu Nov 18 22:49:49 2004 Korthrun wrote post #108:
> > A naked blonde walks into a bar with a pooodle under one arm and a
> > two foot salami under the other.
> > the bartender says, "I guess you don't need a drink" the blonde says
> > "i forgot my pencil".
> Am I the only one who doesn't get it?
nope

-----------------

poster: Monkey
subject: >>>mmm
date: Fri Nov 19 22:31:00 2004

On Fri Nov 19 22:30:32 2004 Belgarion wrote post #110:
> On Fri Nov 19 11:22:13 2004 Bahgtru wrote post #109:
> > On Thu Nov 18 22:49:49 2004 Korthrun wrote post #108:
> > > A naked blonde walks into a bar with a pooodle under one arm and a
> > > two foot salami under the other.
> > > the bartender says, "I guess you don't need a drink" the blonde says
> > > "i forgot my pencil".
> > Am I the only one who doesn't get it?
> nope
You people have no sense of humor.

-----------------

poster: Apathy
subject: >>mmm
date: Sat Nov 20 01:07:31 2004

On Fri Nov 19 11:22:13 2004 Bahgtru wrote post #109:
> On Thu Nov 18 22:49:49 2004 Korthrun wrote post #108:
> > A naked blonde walks into a bar with a pooodle under one arm and a
> > two foot salami under the other.
> > the bartender says, "I guess you don't need a drink" the blonde says
> > "i forgot my pencil".
> Am I the only one who doesn't get it?

You had to be there.

-----------------

poster: Inside
subject: >>>>mmm
date: Sat Nov 20 08:35:32 2004

On Fri Nov 19 22:31:00 2004 Monkey wrote post #111 in jokes:

> On Fri Nov 19 22:30:32 2004 Belgarion wrote post #110:

> > On Fri Nov 19 11:22:13 2004 Bahgtru wrote post #109:

> > > On Thu Nov 18 22:49:49 2004 Korthrun wrote post #108:

> > > > A naked blonde walks into a bar with a pooodle under one arm and a

> > > > two foot salami under the other.

> > > > the bartender says, "I guess you don't need a drink" the blonde says

> > > > "i forgot my pencil".

> > > Am I the only one who doesn't get it?

> > nope

> You people have no sense of humor.

uncultured swines! it's from 'the breakfast club'. korthrun removed the 'fuck' or 'shit' (can't remember which).

-----------------

poster: Nol
subject: Appraisal
date: Mon Nov 22 20:58:35 2004

For everyone who has ever had an appraisal - just remember, it could
have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from U. K. Government
employee performance appraisals: 
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and
has started to dig." 
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be." 
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
rat in a trap." 
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." 
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them." 
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better." 
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together." 
11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." 
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier." 
13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." 
14. "He's been working with glue too much." 
15. "He would argue with a signpost." 
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." 
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." 
18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one." 
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." 
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection." 
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." 
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." 
23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out
looking for it." 
24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." 
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." 
26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean." 
27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." 
28. "One neuron short of a synapse." 
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." 
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'." 
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

-----------------

poster: Nol
subject: Edinburgh Fringe Festival Jokes
date: Mon Nov 22 21:05:35 2004

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died...  Dido must
be sh*tting herself.

Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

 

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but
I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to
get me to sleep at night.

Susan Murray at the Underbelly

 

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind
people were given pointed sticks?

Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

 

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to  Wolverhampton
when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t

Susan Murray at the Underbelly

 

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She
said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said,
"All right, but we're not going to get much done."

Jimmy Carr at the ICC

 

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

 

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around  him. I can't help
thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

Jimmy Carr at the ICC

 

You have to remember all the trivia that your  girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?". And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening  ..
Self-raising?"

Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

 

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.

Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

 

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for  experimentation.

Jimmy Carr

 

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have
thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

 

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take
the Girl out of Cork ...

Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

 

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station.  Went along.
Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

 

Employee of the month is a good example of how  somebody can be both
a winner and a loser at the same time.

Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

 

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous  than the right to
arm bears.

Chris Addison at the Pleasance 

 

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent
most of our family holidays in Customs.  

Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon 

 

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on
its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to

convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.

Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

 

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like  a job please" 
 The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you
go join the circus?"  The dog replies: "What would the circus want
with a plumber".

Steven Alan Green at C34

 

Hey - you want to feel really handsome?  Go shopping at Asda.

Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

 

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really  loud "I've
already got one!"

Norman Lovett at The Stand

 

It's easy to distract fat people.  It's a piece of  cake

Chris Addison at the Pleasance 

 

I enjoy using the comedy technique of  self-deprecation - but I'm
not very good at it.

Arnold Brown at The Stand 

 

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a
tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of
fire. They're trained for that.

Milton Jones at the Underbelly

 

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week  and I saw this
sign: "This door is alarmed."  I said to myself: "How do  you think
I feel?"

Arnold Brown at The Stand

-----------------

poster: Koma
subject: knock knock
date: Fri Dec  3 18:50:03 2004

These are hilarious, so I took the liberty to dedicating them to Mr.
Tahnval :---)

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Abbey!
Abbey who?
Abbey stung me on the nose!



Knock knock
Who's there?
Wanda
Wanda who?
Wanda door opens, I'll stop da knocking!



Knock knock
Who's there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking on the door all afternoon!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHAHHHHAHHH OMG AHAHHHAH

-----------------

poster: Ranja
subject: >knock knock
date: Fri Dec  3 21:38:33 2004

On Fri Dec  3 18:50:03 2004 Koma wrote post #116:
> These are hilarious, so I took the liberty to dedicating them to Mr.
> Tahnval :---)
> 
> Knock knock.
> Who's there?
> Abbey!
> Abbey who?
> Abbey stung me on the nose!
> 
> 
> 
> Knock knock
> Who's there?
> Wanda
> Wanda who?
> Wanda door opens, I'll stop da knocking!
> 
> 
> 
> Knock knock
> Who's there?
> Ben.
> Ben who?
> Ben knocking on the door all afternoon!
> 
> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHAHHHHAHHH OMG AHAHHHAH
lolilol, i think number 3 is most fun, or maybe number 2 i dont know
but NTO nymber one at least

-----------------

poster: Daran
subject: 2 Jokes
date: Sat Dec  4 01:50:48 2004


Two midgets go into a bar, where they happen to pick up two hookers,
and then take them back to their seperate hotel rooms next to each
other. The first midget, however, cannot get an erection. His
depression is made even worse by the fact that he can hear his
friend shouting from the other room "Here I come again...ONE, TWO,
THREE, UUH!" all night long. The next morning at breakfast, the
vocal midget asks the impotent midget how his night was. The
impotent midget goes, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get
it up at all, all night." Vocal midget shakes his head and goes,
"You think you had it bad. I couldn't even get up on to the bed."


One morning, a typical wife is making fried eggs for her husband.
Just after starting them, her husband bursts into the kitchen.
"Careful..Carefull!!! Put some more butter! Oh my god. You're
cooking too many at once. Too manY! Turn them, turn them now! We
need more butter. Oh my god, where are we going to get more butter?
The eggs are going to stick! Careful damnit! I said be careful!!
Hurry up already! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't
forget to add some salt, since you always forget to add salt. Use
salt damnit! The salt I said!!!" The wife turns to her husband and
asks, "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how
to fry a couple of eggs??" The husband calmly replies, "Oh, I just
wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in
the car.

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: Geek joke!
date: Sat Dec  4 01:51:21 2004

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a pint.  While he's drinking, his
parrot keeps saying "Pieces of nine, pieces of nine!"

The barman is used to pirates, so he knows this is wrong.  He says to the
pirate "Shouldn't your parrot be saying 'Pieces of eight', not
'pieces of nine'?"

The pirate replies "Oh, that's just a parity error."

-----------------

poster: Ant
subject: >>knock knock
date: Sat Dec  4 02:48:10 2004

Oh my god... I didn't remember knock knock jokes could be THAT bad.

-----------------

poster: Apathy
subject: >>>knock knock
date: Sat Dec  4 03:47:08 2004

On Sat Dec  4 02:48:10 2004 Ant wrote post #120:
> Oh my god... I didn't remember knock knock jokes could be THAT bad.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Naked blonde
Naked blonde who?
I forgot my pencil.

-Apathy

-----------------

poster: Monkey
subject: >>>>knock knock
date: Sat Dec  4 07:09:31 2004

On Sat Dec  4 03:47:08 2004 Apathy wrote post #121:
> On Sat Dec  4 02:48:10 2004 Ant wrote post #120:
> > Oh my god... I didn't remember knock knock jokes could be THAT bad.
> 
> Knock Knock!
> Who's there?
> Naked blonde
> Naked blonde who?
> I forgot my pencil.
> 
> -Apathy
ROFL AHAHAH god that never gets old.
except when you hear it a bunch.
then it does.

-----------------

poster: Beranis
subject: Another knock knock
date: Wed Dec  8 20:06:27 2004

Knock knock

Who's there?

Thistle

Thistle who?

Thistle keep you waiting until I think of a better knock knock joke

-----------------

poster: Tigran
subject: Christmas Story for People Having a Bad Day
date: Wed Dec 15 17:41:10 2004


  When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce
the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was  beginning to feel the
pressure of being behind schedule.  Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom
was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

  When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows
where.  More stress.

  Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the
toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

  So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had
hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration,
  he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of
little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found
that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

  Just then the doorbell rang, and  irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree.   The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a
  lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?"

  And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.




-----------------

poster: Tigran
subject: St Nicholas
date: Wed Dec 15 17:46:55 2004

Santa is the patron saint of:
Bakers: That's why he likes cookies.
Brewers: Beer Belly!
Mariners and Sailors,
Pawnbrokers: That's where he gets all the presents.
Merchants: Go figure.  It is a commercial holiday
Thieves: More presents.
Brides
Captives
Children
Coopers
Greece, Russia, Sicily

-----------------

poster: Kresselak
subject: >Christmas Story for People Having a Bad Day
date: Thu Dec 16 13:19:42 2004



>   And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas

> tree.

> 

> 

> 



I thought it was a star and not a angel what is supposed to be on a top of a Christmas tree.

-----------------

poster: Monkey
subject: >>Christmas Story for People Having a Bad Day
date: Thu Dec 16 21:57:09 2004

On Thu Dec 16 13:19:42 2004 Kresselak wrote post #126:
> 

> >   And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas

> > tree.

> > 

> > 

> > 

> 

> I thought it was a star and not a angel what is supposed to be on a top of
a Christmas tree.
It's either one. Like, atm, I have a star on my tree and my grandma
has an angel on hers. (ps it's a joke, if you don't get it, go find
some knock knock jokes)

-----------------

poster: Kresselak
subject: >>>Christmas Story for People Having a Bad Day
date: Fri Dec 17 01:53:47 2004

 (ps it's a joke, if you don't get it, go find

> some knock knock jokes)



I dont get knock knock jokes maybe because english is not my main language but can you explain them to me?

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: Always use the right tool for the job
date: Fri Dec 17 23:49:04 2004

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=6799

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: my new favorite commercial
date: Sat Dec 18 03:51:17 2004


http://www.kernalpanic.org/movies/nextel-dance_party.mov

ooo baby baby... ooo baby baby...

-----------------

poster: Heavenly
subject: re: Fred
date: Sat Jan  1 07:39:21 2005

save
a friend showed this to me, i thought it was cute:

A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster
than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he
decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning
instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.  

"Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the
man responds. 

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that
he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a
nutcase on his hands but plays along with it.


"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies...
"It's a long story so stay with me.

I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to
tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got
good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a
doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship,
residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. 


After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got
my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my
assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.


save

Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took
away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of
the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with
VD. 



Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

The officer let him go without even a warning.


-----------------

poster: Ranja
subject: >re: Fred
date: Sat Jan  1 13:24:25 2005

On Sat Jan  1 07:39:21 2005 Heavenly wrote post #131:
> save
> a friend showed this to me, i thought it was cute:
> 
> A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster
> than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he
> decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning
> instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.  
> 
> "Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the
> man responds. 
> 
> When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that
> he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a
> nutcase on his hands but plays along with it.
> 
> 
> "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies...
> "It's a long story so stay with me.
> 
> I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to
> tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got
> good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a
> doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship,
> residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. 
> 
> 
> After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to
> school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got
> my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.
> 
> Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my
> assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.
> 
> 
> save
> 
> Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took
> away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.
> 
> Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of
> the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with
> VD. 
> 
> 
> 
> Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."
> 
> The officer let him go without even a warning.
> 
I woke up with a vaseline can on the floor and i cant control my
farts gnn i AER PISSAD!


fuck vaseline

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >>re: Fred
date: Mon Jan  3 16:38:31 2005

On Sat Jan  1 13:24:25 2005 Ranja wrote post #132:
> On Sat Jan  1 07:39:21 2005 Heavenly wrote post #131:
> > save
> > a friend showed this to me, i thought it was cute:
> > 
> > A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster
> > than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he
> > decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning
> > instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.  
> > 
> > "Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the
> > man responds. 
> > 
> > When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that
> > he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a
> > nutcase on his hands but plays along with it.
> > 
> > 
> > "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies...
> > "It's a long story so stay with me.
> > 
> > I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to
> > tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got
> > good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a
> > doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship,
> > residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. 
> > 
> > 
> > After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to
> > school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got
> > my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.
> > 
> > Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my
> > assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.
> > 
> > 
> > save
> > 
> > Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took
> > away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.
> > 
> > Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of
> > the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with
> > VD. 
> > 
> > 
> > 
> > Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."
> > 
> > The officer let him go without even a warning.
> > 
> I woke up with a vaseline can on the floor and i cant control my
> farts gnn i AER PISSAD!
> 
> 
> fuck vaseline
tl;dr

-----------------

poster: Einar
subject: HAR HAR HAR
date: Tue Jan 11 12:26:40 2005

http://www.visit4info.com/details.cfm?adid=17352
I got like 2 popups, so just a warning to people who hate em like me.
Funny enough to watch

-----------------

poster: Jaguar
subject: new game
date: Wed Jan 12 21:58:32 2005

This game looks good. We should all try it some time. Maybe.
review: - http://www.gamespot.com/gamespot/features/a
l/gamespotting/071103minusworld/1.html

-----------------

poster: Jaguar
subject: >new game
date: Wed Jan 12 22:05:08 2005

On Wed Jan 12 21:58:32 2005 Jaguar wrote post #135:
> This game looks good. We should all try it some time. Maybe.
> review: - http://www.gamespot.com/gamespot/features/a
> l/gamespotting/071103minusworld/1.html
the link broke.  Try http://www.gamespot.com/gamespot/features/
all/gamespotting/071103minusworld/1.html (without the space)


-----------------

poster: Athena
subject: BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Wed Jan 12 23:16:26 2005

Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented.   It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...  and thus the word GOLF
entered into the English language. 
The first couple to be shown in bed together on 
prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. 
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury 
Men can read smaller print than women can; 
women can hear better. 
Coca-Cola was originally green. 
It is impossible to lick your elbow. 
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:  Alaska 
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% 
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:  $6,400 
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour:  61,000 
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. 
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: 
Tom Sawyer. 
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. 
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents 
a great king from history: 
Spades - King David 
Hearts - Charlemagne 
Clubs -Alexander, the Great 
Diamonds - Julius Caesar 
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse 
has both front legs in the air, 
the person died in battle. 
If the horse has one front leg in the air 
the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. 
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, 
the person died of natural causes. 
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence 
on July 4th, 
John Hancock and CharlesThomson. 
Most of the rest signed on August 2, but 
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. 
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? 
A. Their birthplace 
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. 
What is the most popular boat name requested? 
A. Obsession 
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would 
you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? 
A. One thousand 
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, 
windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? 
A. All invented by women. 
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? 
A. Honey 
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than 

  any other day of the year? 
A. Father's Day 
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on 
bed frames by ropes. 
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, 
making the bed firmer to sleep on. 
Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight." 
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 
years ago that for a month after the wedding, 
the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all 
the mead he could drink. 
Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar 
was lunar based, this period was called the honey month ... 
which we know today as the honeymoon. 
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... 
So in old England, when customers got unruly, 
the bartender would yell at them "Mind yourpints and quarts, and
settle down." 
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's" 
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had 
a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. 
When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 
"Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice. 
AND FINALLY 



  75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow 

-----------------

poster: Athena
subject: Standard railroad gauge 
date: Wed Jan 12 23:19:38 2005

If you live near a railroad track, get a tape measure and check this
out.
The US 
standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5
inches. That's 
an exceedingly odd number.

 Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in
England, and 
English expatriates built the US railroads.

 Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail
lines
were built 
by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's
the
gauge they used.

 Why did "they" use that gauge? Because the people who built the
tramways
used the same 
jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that
wheel
spacing.

 Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well,
if
they tried 
to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of
the
old, long 
distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel
ruts.

 So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first
long
distance roads 
in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used
ever
since. And 
the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts,
which
everyone else 
had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the
chariots were made 
for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel
spacing.

 The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is
derived from the 
original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And may
the
bureaucracies 
live forever.

 So, the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done
it
that way, and 
wonder what horse's butt came up with that, you may be exactly
right,
because the 
Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to
accommodate
the
rear ends of 
two war horses.

 Now the twist of the story...........

 When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are
two
big
booster 
rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid
rocket boosters, 
or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The
Engineers who 
designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter,
but
the
SRBs had 
to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

 The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel
in
the mountains. 
The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly
wider
than the 
railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as
wide
as two 
horses' behinds.

 So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the
world's
most 
advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand
years
ago
by the 
width of a horses' rear.
And you thought being a Horses' Ass was not important??

-----------------

poster: monkey
subject: A Joke
date: Thu Jan 13 16:03:19 2005

Wildchild.

-----------------

poster: Magneto
subject: >BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Thu Jan 13 19:45:46 2005

> 
>   75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow 
Do you have any idea how fun it is to be at a drinking event and
tell everyone 
that they cant lick their own elbow.  I had about 1/2 my friends trying.
Truely a sight to behold

-----------------

poster: Jaguar
subject: >BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Thu Jan 13 20:12:56 2005

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand 


huh, how do you spell 101?


ps nice facts

-----------------

poster: Apathy
subject: >>BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Thu Jan 13 20:16:35 2005

On Thu Jan 13 20:12:56 2005 Jaguar wrote post #141:
> Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
> until you would find the letter "A"?
> 
> A. One thousand 
> 
> 
> huh, how do you spell 101?
> 
> 
> ps nice facts

one hundred one :P

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >>>BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Thu Jan 13 20:26:57 2005

On Thu Jan 13 20:16:35 2005 Apathy wrote post #142:
> > 
> > A. One thousand 
> > 
> > 
> > huh, how do you spell 101?
> > 
> > 
> > ps nice facts
> 
> one hundred one :P
ehehe, one hundred and one would be written 100.1
HARRR WE ARE NERDS

HARRR

also, lick my elbow

-----------------

poster: Tigran
subject: >>>>BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Fri Jan 14 02:25:58 2005

On Thu Jan 13 20:26:57 2005 Uno wrote post #143:
> On Thu Jan 13 20:16:35 2005 Apathy wrote post #142:
> > > 
> > > A. One thousand 
> > > 
> > > 
> > > huh, how do you spell 101?
> > > 
> > > 
> > > ps nice facts
> > 
> > one hundred one :P
> ehehe, one hundred and one would be written 100.1
> HARRR WE ARE NERDS
> 
> HARRR
> 
> also, lick my elbow
I concur, and the easiest number I get to is 1.1 (one and one tenth).

While we are speaking on specifics

'one hundred and one' is not accurate.  100.1 is 'one hundred and one tenth'














Yes I tried to lick my elbow.

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: >BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Fri Jan 14 04:13:42 2005

How many of those are true?  I spotted a fair few that I
know aren't.

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: >>BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Fri Jan 14 04:16:30 2005

On Thu Jan 13 19:45:46 2005 Magneto wrote post #140:
> > 
> >   75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow 
> Do you have any idea how fun it is to be at a drinking event and
> tell everyone 
> that they cant lick their own elbow.  I had about 1/2 my friends trying.
> Truely a sight to behold
I did it at work, the first time I read that.  I fear an outbreak of
dislocated shoulders if people try it when drunk 8-)


You can lick your elbow...on the inside.  Muah!

-----------------

poster: Tranquil
subject: >>>>>BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Fri Jan 14 04:36:57 2005

>> ehehe, one hundred and one would be written 100.1
>> HARRR WE ARE NERDS
>> 
>> HARRR
>> 
>> also, lick my elbow
>I concur, and the easiest number I get to is 1.1 (one and one tenth).
>
>While we are speaking on specifics
>
>'one hundred and one' is not accurate.  100.1 is 'one hundred and one tenth'

Actually, 'one hundred and one' would be the number 101, with no
post-decimal digits. 100.1 would be 'one hundred point one', though
there are other ways of describing the value, as Tigran has shown.

The reason why this is so? Look closely at the word 'and' in the
dictionary. You (hopefully) should notice that 'and' is 'an addition
of', not 'a division of'. If you don't notice this, you should
probably report to Tigran for an immediate chat+newsban, and a
5-year course in proper use of the english language*.

* Sold seperately at a Britain near you.
* Don't be fooled by cheap imitations, Britain does english best.


-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >>>>>>BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Fri Jan 14 06:13:52 2005

On Fri Jan 14 04:36:57 2005 Tranquil wrote post #147:
> 
> The reason why this is so? Look closely at the word 'and' in the
> dictionary. You (hopefully) should notice that 'and' is 'an addition
> of', not 'a division of'. If you don't notice this, you should
> probably report to Tigran for an immediate chat+newsban, and a
> 5-year course in proper use of the english language*.
> 
> * Sold seperately at a Britain near you.
> * Don't be fooled by cheap imitations, Britain does english best.
> 
i forget where we learned that rule about 'and' in school
but i'm pretty sure you're wrong

was it geometry? in any case... the rule in math is that
when you say 'and' you are indicating a decimal point.



l
quit
beav
wtf

-----------------

poster: Apathy
subject: >>>>>>>BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Fri Jan 14 06:24:28 2005

In any case, you're all wrong.  The first number you reach that has
an 'a' in it is: 'zero squared'

-Apathy

-----------------

poster: Mor
subject: >>>>>>>BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Fri Jan 14 08:45:40 2005

On Fri Jan 14 06:13:52 2005 Uno wrote post #148:
> On Fri Jan 14 04:36:57 2005 Tranquil wrote post #147:
> > 
> > The reason why this is so? Look closely at the word 'and' in the
> > dictionary. You (hopefully) should notice that 'and' is 'an addition
> > of', not 'a division of'. If you don't notice this, you should
> > probably report to Tigran for an immediate chat+newsban, and a
> > 5-year course in proper use of the english language*.
> > 
> > * Sold seperately at a Britain near you.
> > * Don't be fooled by cheap imitations, Britain does english best.
> > 
> i forget where we learned that rule about 'and' in school
> but i'm pretty sure you're wrong
> 
> was it geometry? in any case... the rule in math is that
> when you say 'and' you are indicating a decimal point.
> 
> 
> 
> l
> quit
> beav
> wtf
Could have sworn I was told that and was never to be used when
saying numbers such as 101.

-----------------

poster: Tranquil
subject: >>>>>>>>BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Fri Jan 14 09:32:18 2005

Please note:
> * Sold seperately at a Britain near you.
> * Don't be fooled by cheap imitations, Britain does english best.

-----------------

poster: Moridin
subject: >>BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Fri Jan 14 10:15:37 2005

On Fri Jan 14 04:13:42 2005 Tahnval wrote post #145:
> How many of those are true?  I spotted a fair few that I
> know aren't.
quite a few, but fun nontheless

-----------------

poster: Draco
subject: >>>BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Fri Jan 14 20:13:20 2005

On Fri Jan 14 10:15:37 2005 Moridin wrote post #152:
> On Fri Jan 14 04:13:42 2005 Tahnval wrote post #145:
> > How many of those are true?  I spotted a fair few that I
> > know aren't.
> quite a few, but fun nontheless
btw 101 is one hundred one, if the military says it that way, it has
to be right! (and if you go against it watch out, bush might come
for you next!)

-----------------

poster: Khosan
subject: >>>>BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Fri Jan 14 21:05:11 2005

On Fri Jan 14 20:13:20 2005 Draco wrote post #153:
> On Fri Jan 14 10:15:37 2005 Moridin wrote post #152:
> > On Fri Jan 14 04:13:42 2005 Tahnval wrote post #145:
> > > How many of those are true?  I spotted a fair few that I
> > > know aren't.
> > quite a few, but fun nontheless
> btw 101 is one hundred one, if the military says it that way, it has
> to be right! (and if you go against it watch out, bush might come
> for you next!)
Doesn't matter, because the first number with an a would be 0.001
(hint: 1/1000 - one thousand).

Khosan

-----------------

poster: Tigran
subject: >>>>>BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Fri Jan 14 21:09:32 2005

On Fri Jan 14 21:05:11 2005 Khosan wrote post #154:
> On Fri Jan 14 20:13:20 2005 Draco wrote post #153:
> > On Fri Jan 14 10:15:37 2005 Moridin wrote post #152:
> > > On Fri Jan 14 04:13:42 2005 Tahnval wrote post #145:
> > > > How many of those are true?  I spotted a fair few that I
> > > > know aren't.
> > > quite a few, but fun nontheless
> > btw 101 is one hundred one, if the military says it that way, it has
> > to be right! (and if you go against it watch out, bush might come
> > for you next!)
> Doesn't matter, because the first number with an a would be 0.001
> (hint: 1/1000 - one thousand).
> 
> Khosan
I didn't say first :)  I said easiest, and it then depends.
1.1
.001
one and one tenth
one thousandth
Alphabetically .001 is easier, numerically 1.1 is ;)

And the 'and' rule I learned in grade 7 pre-algebra where we had to
write out a ton of those things.

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >>>>>>BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Fri Jan 14 23:10:39 2005

On Fri Jan 14 21:09:32 2005 Tigran wrote post #155:
> > Khosan
> I didn't say first :)  I said easiest, and it then depends.
> 1.1
> .001
> one and one tenth
> one thousandth
> Alphabetically .001 is easier, numerically 1.1 is ;)
> 
> And the 'and' rule I learned in grade 7 pre-algebra where we had to
> write out a ton of those things.

Ahhh! I just remembered....
The 'AND' rule is specifically important for writing checks.

US Banks expect to see no 'and' until you're ready to write the cents out.

-----------------

poster: Apathy
subject: >>>>>>>BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Fri Jan 14 23:17:39 2005

On Fri Jan 14 23:10:39 2005 Uno wrote post #156:
> On Fri Jan 14 21:09:32 2005 Tigran wrote post #155:
> > > Khosan
> > I didn't say first :)  I said easiest, and it then depends.
> > 1.1
> > .001
> > one and one tenth
> > one thousandth
> > Alphabetically .001 is easier, numerically 1.1 is ;)
> > 
> > And the 'and' rule I learned in grade 7 pre-algebra where we had to
> > write out a ton of those things.
> 
> Ahhh! I just remembered....
> The 'AND' rule is specifically important for writing checks.
> 
> US Banks expect to see no 'and' until you're ready to write the cents out.

In my experience, they hardly even look at the written-out version
of the number.  I've had instances where I wrote the amount
numerically in a sloppy fashion, and rather than looking at the
written-out amount they simply cashed the check for an incorrect
amount.

-----------------

poster: Tigran
subject: >>>>>>>>BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Fri Jan 14 23:20:00 2005

On Fri Jan 14 23:17:39 2005 Apathy wrote post #157:
> On Fri Jan 14 23:10:39 2005 Uno wrote post #156:
> > On Fri Jan 14 21:09:32 2005 Tigran wrote post #155:
> > > > Khosan
> > > I didn't say first :)  I said easiest, and it then depends.
> > > 1.1
> > > .001
> > > one and one tenth
> > > one thousandth
> > > Alphabetically .001 is easier, numerically 1.1 is ;)
> > > 
> > > And the 'and' rule I learned in grade 7 pre-algebra where we had to
> > > write out a ton of those things.
> > 
> > Ahhh! I just remembered....
> > The 'AND' rule is specifically important for writing checks.
> > 
> > US Banks expect to see no 'and' until you're ready to write the cents out.
> 
> In my experience, they hardly even look at the written-out version
> of the number.  I've had instances where I wrote the amount
> numerically in a sloppy fashion, and rather than looking at the
> written-out amount they simply cashed the check for an incorrect
> amount.
In these situations the bank is wrong and the law is on your side. 
It is the written out form which carries in a court of law if there
is a dispute between the written number and the numerical number. 
If you point out this error to the bank, they will fix it because
they are required to.

-----------------

poster: Moridin
subject: >>>>>>>>>BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Sun Jan 16 00:14:17 2005

On Fri Jan 14 23:20:00 2005 Tigran wrote post #158:
> > In my experience, they hardly even look at the written-out version
> > of the number.  I've had instances where I wrote the amount
> > numerically in a sloppy fashion, and rather than looking at the
> > written-out amount they simply cashed the check for an incorrect
> > amount.
> In these situations the bank is wrong and the law is on your side. 
> It is the written out form which carries in a court of law if there
> is a dispute between the written number and the numerical number. 
> If you point out this error to the bank, they will fix it because
> they are required to.
just a digression, why do the US still use checks? I dont think I've
seen a single check in use here for the last 10+ years, and I've
never ever used or had one (until I got an account while taking a
year in the US, then for some reason they insisted I have a
checkbook, not that I ever used it)

-----------------

poster: Tigran
subject: >>>>>>>>>>BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Sun Jan 16 00:15:45 2005

On Sun Jan 16 00:14:17 2005 Moridin wrote post #159:
> On Fri Jan 14 23:20:00 2005 Tigran wrote post #158:
> > > In my experience, they hardly even look at the written-out version
> > > of the number.  I've had instances where I wrote the amount
> > > numerically in a sloppy fashion, and rather than looking at the
> > > written-out amount they simply cashed the check for an incorrect
> > > amount.
> > In these situations the bank is wrong and the law is on your side. 
> > It is the written out form which carries in a court of law if there
> > is a dispute between the written number and the numerical number. 
> > If you point out this error to the bank, they will fix it because
> > they are required to.
> just a digression, why do the US still use checks? I dont think I've
> seen a single check in use here for the last 10+ years, and I've
> never ever used or had one (until I got an account while taking a
> year in the US, then for some reason they insisted I have a
> checkbook, not that I ever used it)
I don't for most things.  That's just me.  Just those bills that I
don't have direct online access for.  I don't trust my bank to send
the other checks on time yet (yes, I'll be moving banks in the near
future).  I usually only write 5-6 checks a month (mostly for
daycare which requires one a week).

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: >>>>>>>>BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Sun Jan 16 00:57:54 2005

On Fri Jan 14 08:45:40 2005 Mor wrote post #150:
> On Fri Jan 14 06:13:52 2005 Uno wrote post #148:
> > On Fri Jan 14 04:36:57 2005 Tranquil wrote post #147:
> > > 
> > > The reason why this is so? Look closely at the word 'and' in the
> > > dictionary. You (hopefully) should notice that 'and' is 'an addition
> > > of', not 'a division of'. If you don't notice this, you should
> > > probably report to Tigran for an immediate chat+newsban, and a
> > > 5-year course in proper use of the english language*.
> > > 
> > > * Sold seperately at a Britain near you.
> > > * Don't be fooled by cheap imitations, Britain does english best.
> > > 
> > i forget where we learned that rule about 'and' in school
> > but i'm pretty sure you're wrong
> > 
> > was it geometry? in any case... the rule in math is that
> > when you say 'and' you are indicating a decimal point.
> > 
> > 
> > 
> > l
> > quit
> > beav
> > wtf
> Could have sworn I was told that and was never to be used when
> saying numbers such as 101.
It's one of the differences between English and American English, as
far as I know.

The rule in maths, btw, is that you use the word "point" to
indicate a decimal point.  Which makes sense.  Unless
you are using a mixture of formats, e.g. "One hundred and one
tenth", which wouldn't be using a decimal point anyway.

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: >>>>>>>>>BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Sun Jan 16 00:59:12 2005

On Fri Jan 14 09:32:18 2005 Tranquil wrote post #151:
> Please note:
> > * Sold seperately at a Britain near you.
> > * Don't be fooled by cheap imitations, Britain does english best.
I think "England does English best" would have more impact.  Wales
and Scotland have their own languages, though English is more
common there.

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: >>>BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Sun Jan 16 01:01:24 2005

On Fri Jan 14 10:15:37 2005 Moridin wrote post #152:
> On Fri Jan 14 04:13:42 2005 Tahnval wrote post #145:
> > How many of those are true?  I spotted a fair few that I
> > know aren't.
> quite a few, but fun nontheless
The real etymology for "Golf" is rather more banal.  It's
from either a Scottish dialect word meaning "to hit", a Danish
word meaning "a stick" or (most likely IMO), a combination
of both - "hit with a stick".  Any etymology stating an
acronym before the 20th century and outside of technology is
almost certainly wrong.

-----------------

poster: Monkey
subject: >>>>BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Sun Jan 16 01:03:27 2005

On Sun Jan 16 01:01:24 2005 Tahnval wrote post #163:
> On Fri Jan 14 10:15:37 2005 Moridin wrote post #152:
> > On Fri Jan 14 04:13:42 2005 Tahnval wrote post #145:
> > > How many of those are true?  I spotted a fair few that I
> > > know aren't.
> > quite a few, but fun nontheless
> The real etymology for "Golf" is rather more banal.  It's
> from either a Scottish dialect word meaning "to hit", a Danish
> word meaning "a stick" or (most likely IMO), a combination
> of both - "hit with a stick".  Any etymology stating an
> acronym before the 20th century and outside of technology is
> almost certainly wrong.
oh my god....all this crap because of a joke...wow..you guys take
things WAY to literally

-----------------

poster: Wildchild
subject: >>>>>>>>>>BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Sun Jan 16 01:20:46 2005

On Sun Jan 16 00:14:17 2005 Moridin wrote post #159:
> On Fri Jan 14 23:20:00 2005 Tigran wrote post #158:
> > > In my experience, they hardly even look at the written-out version
> > > of the number.  I've had instances where I wrote the amount
> > > numerically in a sloppy fashion, and rather than looking at the
> > > written-out amount they simply cashed the check for an incorrect
> > > amount.
> > In these situations the bank is wrong and the law is on your side. 
> > It is the written out form which carries in a court of law if there
> > is a dispute between the written number and the numerical number. 
> > If you point out this error to the bank, they will fix it because
> > they are required to.
> just a digression, why do the US still use checks? I dont think I've
> seen a single check in use here for the last 10+ years, and I've
> never ever used or had one (until I got an account while taking a
> year in the US, then for some reason they insisted I have a
> checkbook, not that I ever used it)

When in college a few years back, I had to take a pair of accounting
courses. One of the two professors I had predicted the death of the
check within a decade. Well, it might not hit the mark, but checks
are slowly going away in place of things like atm/debit cards and
online banking.

But yeah, like Tigran, I still have bills each month that require a
check (like my rent).

The best use my checkbook gets is not for writing checks, but for
keeping the balance of my checking account. :)

-WildChild

-----------------

poster: Lurch
subject: 101
date: Sun Jan 16 01:53:43 2005

Technically, one hundred and one is really 101, BUT
you aren't supposed to use the and, because 
one hundred one = 101
one hundred and one = 100 + 1
written properly. So though the meaning is the same, the representation
is not.

-----------------

poster: Tranquil
subject: >>>>>>>>>>>BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Sun Jan 16 07:30:50 2005

1) It's not a check, it's a cheque. Pleez lern to spel propalee 4 wunse.
2) Cheques are far less common nowadays than they used to be, it's
true. However there are still many uses for derivatives of this
system, such as money orders, and some companies still use old style
cheques, such as competitive organisations that write out huge
cheques to the winner(s) of their competition(s).
3) There are other concieved uses for cheques also. The australian
government will send out a tax refund in the form of a cheque if
requested, many companies will do cheque-refunds for credit card
purchases, and pokie bars (both common and popular gambling areas,
in australian pubs) will also award cheques for >$1000 wins (as per
australian laws governing payouts).

In time they'll be phased out, but for now they are required as
infrastructure for a fluid world economy. We'll probably all be
wearing barcodes before we see cheques leave for good. After all,
those giant cheques are a big part of the podium pose ;)

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >>>>>>>>>>>>BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW
date: Sun Jan 16 22:05:39 2005

On Sun Jan 16 07:30:50 2005 Tranquil wrote post #167:
> government will send out a tax refund in the form of a cheque if
> requested, many companies will do cheque-refunds for credit card
> purchases, and pokie bars (both common and popular gambling areas,
> in australian pubs) will also award cheques for >$1000 wins (as per
> australian laws governing payouts).
> 
> In time they'll be phased out, but for now they are required as
> infrastructure for a fluid world economy. We'll probably all be
> wearing barcodes before we see cheques leave for good. After all,
> those giant cheques are a big part of the podium pose ;)
tl;dr

-----------------

poster: Lesk
subject: >101
date: Tue Jan 18 10:36:39 2005

HAHAHAHAHAHAH this ongoing 101 thing is so funny NOT, couldnt we
move it to the 'i'm not going to let it lie' board ??

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >>101
date: Tue Jan 18 17:33:18 2005

On Tue Jan 18 10:36:39 2005 Lesk wrote post #169:
> HAHAHAHAHAHAH this ongoing 101 thing is so funny NOT, couldnt we
> move it to the 'i'm not going to let it lie' board ??
HAHAHA WE ARE DISUCSSING THE EVERCHANGING NATURE OF NUBMERS ADN 

HOW HILIAROUS BRITAIN IS SO GO AWAY FROM THE THREAD BECAUS

WE ARE PRACTICING THE TIME HONORED TARDIOTION OF TEH NEVAR ENDING THREAD

MIRSTAR INTARNET POLEIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111
e
q
q
sucide
quit

-----------------

poster: athena
subject: New Disease warning!!
date: Thu Jan 20 10:57:09 2005

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent 



 strain of sexually transmitted disease. 







This disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior. The 



disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. 





Many victims have contracted it after having been screwed for the past 4 



years, in spite of having taken measures to protect themselves from this 



especially troublesome disease.   







Cognitive sequelae of individuals infected with Gonorrhea Lectim 



include, but are not limited to: 





* Antisocial personality disorder traits; delusions of grandeur with a 



 distinct messianic flavor; chronic mangling of the English language; 





* Extreme cognitive dissonance; inability to incorporate new 



information; pronounced  xenophobia; inability to accept 



responsibility for actions; 





* Exceptional cowardice masked by acts of misplaced bravado; 



uncontrolled facial smirking;   





* Ingorance of geography and history 







  

The disease is sweeping Washington. Naturalists and epidemiologists are 



amazed and baffled that this malignant disease originated only a few 



years  ago in a Texas Bush. 




-----------------

poster: Waz
subject: >New Disease warning!!
date: Fri Jan 21 03:19:29 2005

On Thu Jan 20 10:57:09 2005 athena wrote post #171:
> 

> 

> 

>   

> The disease is sweeping Washington. Naturalists and epidemiologists are 

> 

> amazed and baffled that this malignant disease originated only a few 

> 

> years  ago in a Texas Bush. 

> 

A very funny post! :)

-----------------

poster: Einar
subject: What do you get
date: Fri Jan 21 21:30:20 2005

When people are bored?










News to read! HAR HAR HAR!11
save
quit
exit

-----------------

poster: Moridin
subject: fun stuff
date: Mon Jan 24 22:12:53 2005

http://www.fendahleen.com/nerf/catapult.gif

-----------------

poster: moridin
subject: eric prydz call on me x 2
date: Thu Feb  3 18:37:13 2005

www.collegehumor.com/?movie_id=91110



 http://www.putfile.com/media.php?n=call256



fun, but, heh...

-----------------

poster: Athena
subject: Something for you youngin's to comtemplate.
date: Wed Feb  9 01:12:21 2005

HOW OLD IS GRANDPA? 


One evening, a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. 
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the
shootings at schools, 

the computer age, and just things in general. 

 


The Grandpa replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before
television, penicillin, 

polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill.. 
There were no credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had
not invented pantyhose, 

air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the clothes were
hung out to dry in 

the fresh air and man had yet to walk on the moon.  Your Grandmother
and I got married first 

and then lived together.  Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, 

I called every woman older than I, "Mam"- - and after I turned 25, I
still called policemen 

and every man with a title, "Sir."  We were before gay-rights,
computer-dating, dual careers, 

day-care centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the
Ten Commandments, 

good judgment, and common sense.  We were taught to know the
difference between right and 

wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. 
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a
bigger privilege. 
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. 
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. 
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the
evening breeze started. 
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings
and weekends - not purchasing condominiums. 
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters,
yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. 
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's
speeches on our radios. 

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening
to Tommy Dorsey. 
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. 
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. 
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. 
We had 5&10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5
and 10 cents. 

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were
all a nickel. 
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on
enough stamps to mail one letter and two postcards. 
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? 
Too bad because, gas was 11 cents a gallon. 
In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was
something your mother 

cooked in, and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. 
"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,"chip" meant a piece
of wood, "hardware" was 

found in a hardware store and software" wasn't even a word. 
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady
needed a husband to have a baby. 
No wonder people call us "old and confused" and they say there is a
generation gap. 

And how old do you think grandpa is??? 

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad
at the same time. 

This is something to think about. How time has changed... 

  



Grandpa is ONLY 54 (born 1950) 


p.s. Some of you have probably seen this before but thought I'd post
it for those that haven't.

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >Something for you youngin's to comtemplate.
date: Wed Feb  9 01:54:00 2005

On Wed Feb  9 01:12:21 2005 Athena wrote post #177:
> 
>   
> 
> 
> 
> Grandpa is ONLY 54 (born 1950) 
> 
> 
> p.s. Some of you have probably seen this before but thought I'd post
> it for those that haven't.

I just finished a book called "Devil in the White City"
about the world's fair in chicago in 1893...

Anyway, as I was reading this I was thinking "I wonder if any of
these are wrong..."
(sorry Athy!)

Because, you see, there were a TON of new inventions debuted at the
1893 world's fair.

Anyway, I got to looking and none of them were around in 1893, but
this article,
seems a little fuzzy on the details...

First public usage (not invention) of:



Penicillin - 1941-45 (widespread usage during WW2, Nobel Prize
awarded for powdered form - not Fleming's 1928 research - in 1945)
Frozen Food - 1930 (Birdsey foods, Springfield, MA)
Air conditioning - 1924 (JL Hudson Dept. Store, Detroit, MI)
Ballpoint pens - 1945 (10,000 sold out, Gimbel's, New York City)
Dishwashers - 1930
Clothes Dryers - 1915 
FM Radio - 1947 (142 stations in 33 states)

Having said that... it seems plausible that the average american may
not have had access to these novelties until the 50s...


(hugs)

-----------------

poster: Athena
subject: >>Something for you youngin's to comtemplate.
date: Wed Feb  9 10:39:54 2005

On Wed Feb  9 01:54:00 2005 Uno wrote post #178:
> On Wed Feb  9 01:12:21 2005 Athena wrote post #177:
> > 
> >   
> > 
> > 
> > 
> > Grandpa is ONLY 54 (born 1950) 
> > 
> > 
> > p.s. Some of you have probably seen this before but thought I'd post
> > it for those that haven't.
> 
> I just finished a book called "Devil in the White City"
> about the world's fair in chicago in 1893...
> 
> Anyway, as I was reading this I was thinking "I wonder if any of
> these are wrong..."
> (sorry Athy!)
> 
> Because, you see, there were a TON of new inventions debuted at the
> 1893 world's fair.
> 
> Anyway, I got to looking and none of them were around in 1893, but
> this article,
> seems a little fuzzy on the details...
> 
> First public usage (not invention) of:
> 
> 
> 
> Penicillin - 1941-45 (widespread usage during WW2, Nobel Prize
> awarded for powdered form - not Fleming's 1928 research - in 1945)
> Frozen Food - 1930 (Birdsey foods, Springfield, MA)
> Air conditioning - 1924 (JL Hudson Dept. Store, Detroit, MI)
> Ballpoint pens - 1945 (10,000 sold out, Gimbel's, New York City)
> Dishwashers - 1930
> Clothes Dryers - 1915 
> FM Radio - 1947 (142 stations in 33 states)
> 
> Having said that... it seems plausible that the average american may
> not have had access to these novelties until the 50s...
> 
> 
> (hugs)

Well, this old woman is 60 so this was my time. I think this
joke/article was referring to the "average" american household.
Maybe in NYC or Chicago they had AC in big stores etc but the
average small city or town didn't. I remember when AC was put in the
movie theatre and what a big deal it was. Most ppl didnt even have a
freezer in their fridges cause the price of those was thru the roof,
so frozen foods we not readily available in most grocery stores. The
same with clothes dryers and you can totally forget dishwashers
unless you were wealthy as hell, the same for fm radios, too
expensive. And I remember my doc giving me penicillin for the first
time, I was about 7 or 8 and what a wonder drug it was. This would
have been about 1952-53 and before that I could have used it a few
times but was not given it, so guessing it wasnt available to my doc
at that time. So when reading this you have to keep in mind, Grandpa
was referring to what "he" grew up with and what most "average"
americans at that time had.

hugs back

-----------------

poster: Moridin
subject: >Something for you youngin's to comtemplate.
date: Wed Feb  9 14:07:17 2005

> 

> 

> Grandpa is ONLY 54 (born 1950) 

> 

> 

> p.s. Some of you have probably seen this before but thought I'd post

> it for those that haven't.



makes me glad I was born when I was and not earlier, though being born even later might have been even better (and in some peoples minds, not at all I am sure, eheh)

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: >>Something for you youngin's to comtemplate.
date: Thu Feb 10 05:23:57 2005

While you're right that the first list was wrong, you're
also wrong because you've been looking at "first in the USA"
rather than "first".  The first ballpoint pen, for example, was
in 1938, not 1945.  It was first patented in 1888, but
not developed until independently invented by Lazlo Biro in 1938.

-----------------

poster: Magneto
subject: >>>Something for you youngin's to comtemplate.
date: Thu Feb 10 18:30:55 2005

And the hose thing I know is wrong.  Those were being horded during ww2.

-----------------

poster: Athena
subject: >>>>Something for you youngin's to comtemplate.
date: Thu Feb 10 23:28:53 2005

On Thu Feb 10 18:30:55 2005 Magneto wrote post #182 in jokes:

> And the hose thing I know is wrong.  Those were being horded during ww2.



Look again Magsy, it says "pantyhose", not stockings. Big difference.



Goose

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >>>>>Something for you youngin's to comtemplate.
date: Fri Feb 11 00:02:39 2005

On Thu Feb 10 23:28:53 2005 Athena wrote post #183:
> On Thu Feb 10 18:30:55 2005 Magneto wrote post #182 in jokes:

> > And the hose thing I know is wrong.  Those were being horded during ww2.

> 

> Look again Magsy, it says "pantyhose", not stockings. Big difference.

> 

> Goose
You should well know... pantyhose were invented in 1952 by Dr. Robert Panty,
who, at the time was searching for a viable way to rob banks without
being recognized.

-----------------

poster: Eomer
subject: great website
date: Fri Feb 11 04:42:34 2005

http://www.flat-earth.org/

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: Some funny links
date: Mon Feb 14 01:02:32 2005

http://gprime.net/video.php/reallifevsinternet

Characters from Half Life 2 (I think) explain the
differences between real life and the internet.

http://www.cowswithguns.com/

Click the link to see the flash animation.
Cows unite under the revolutionary leader Cow Tse-Tung
and start an armed rebellion against MacDonalds.
A hilarious song and cartoon.
"He was a scrawny calf
He looked kind of woozy.
No-one suspected he was packing an Uzi!

Cows with guns"

-----------------

poster: Oruk
subject: >Some funny links
date: Mon Feb 14 01:11:32 2005

On Mon Feb 14 01:02:32 2005 Tahnval wrote post #186:
> http://gprime.net/video.php/reallifevsinternet
> 
> Characters from Half Life 2 (I think) explain the
> differences between real life and the internet.
> 
> http://www.cowswithguns.com/
> 
> Click the link to see the flash animation.
> Cows unite under the revolutionary leader Cow Tse-Tung
> and start an armed rebellion against MacDonalds.
> A hilarious song and cartoon.
> "He was a scrawny calf
> He looked kind of woozy.
> No-one suspected he was packing an Uzi!
> 
> Cows with guns"
Not half life 2, its Halo and its "Red vs. Blue" the have a whole
series based on it.
Check out redvsblue.com if you want to see more. That one rocks.
ahahhaha, love the politics on the internet part

-----------------

poster: Apathy
subject: >great website
date: Tue Feb 15 04:00:05 2005

On Fri Feb 11 04:42:34 2005 Eomer wrote post #185:
> http://www.flat-earth.org/

This is the best website I've seen in some time =)

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: Aliases, don't you just love them?
date: Wed Feb 16 13:47:35 2005

13:42:02 Erotica {geek}: some of the local crooks - one bunch had a
cast avatar regeneration and it wouldn't start. They were still
trying to push start it when the police walked around the corner and
arrested them. 
I can't get my spells to start IRL, either 8-)

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: The Llama song!
date: Wed Feb 16 15:02:49 2005

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/llama.php

Funnier than BadgerBadgerBadger.

I was once a treehouse, I lived in a cake
But I never saw the way the orange slayed the rake.

Here's Llama, there's a llama and another little llama!

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: Windows Really Good Edition
date: Wed Feb 16 15:34:10 2005

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/winrg.php

Hilarious!

-----------------

poster: Inside
subject: true story
date: Sun Feb 20 05:52:28 2005

i was talking to someone and the topic of selling souls on ebay came
up. the person said that they weren't sure how they'd mail the soul
out. my reply? send it by astral plane :)

-----------------

poster: wildchild
subject: entries from a contest
date: Tue Feb 22 21:56:03 2005

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second line.......Enjoy!



Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,

But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.



I thought that I could love no other

Until, that is, I met your brother.



Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head



Of loving beauty you float with grace

If only you could hide your face.



Kind, intelligent, loving and hot

This describes everything you are not.



I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don't take that paper bag off of your face.



I love your smile, your face, and your eyes,

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!



My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you screwed up my life.



I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.



My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?



My feelings for you no words can tell

Except for maybe "Go To Hell".



What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

-----------------

poster: wildchild
subject: teaching math
date: Tue Feb 22 21:56:57 2005

The history of teaching math in the US:



Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?



Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?



Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.

His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?



Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.

His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.

Your assignment:

Underline the number 20.



Teaching Math In 1990

By cutting down beautiful forest trees,

the logger makes $20.

What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question:

How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the

trees. (There are no wrong answers.)



Teaching Math In 2005

El hachero vende un camion carga por $100.

La cuesta de production es.............

-----------------

poster: Gallahad
subject: Chemistry
date: Wed Mar  2 18:31:52 2005

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound"
that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One
student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass
of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are
moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can
safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore,
no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at
the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go
to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do
not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change
of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to
expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell wil increase until all Hell
breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my
Freshman year that "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,"
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number
2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A 

-----------------

poster: Einar
subject: You know your hawaiian when...
date: Fri Mar  4 04:07:33 2005

ROFL, I cracked up, dunno if anyone else will.

You Know You're From Hawaii When... 
You can understand and speak PIDGIN english. 

You go to dinner and "make one plate" with all the extra food leftover. 

You automatically take off your shoes in people's homes. 

You wear rubber slippers to the beach. 

You eat rice every single day. 

It's "shave ice" not"snow cones". 

When you know NEVER to turn your back facing the ocean. 

You know what ukus are and have had them at least once before when
you was one little keiki. 

You've been to almost all of the other islands. 

You get impatient with all of those bikers on the road that came
from Haleakala. 

When someone says to "dress up" it means one nice aloha shirt and jeans. 

You eat coconuts straight from the shell - and drink the juice. 

You went to the War Memorial Stadium parking lot to learn how to drive. 

You've worked in the pineapple fields. 

You know where all the creepy places (like burial sites) are in the island 

You know you aren't supposed to whistle at night time, cross your
chopsticks, or stick your fork straight out of your rice. 

You have highlighted hair. 

You eat Arare. 

You know what "tutu" means. 

You learned to play the ukulele in elementary school. 

It's SHOYU, not soy sauce. 

To you, sushi means sushi, not RAW FISH! 

You eat malasadas 

You have a billion pairs of slippers in front your door when your
family gets together 

Your house has residue from the salty ocean air. 

You eat portuguese sausage, eggs, and rice for breakfast. 

You buy large quantities of toilet paper in case thereís a
longshoreman strike. 

You don't understand why anyone would buy less than a 20 lb bag of rice... 

You would serve spam as a meat for dinner... 

You can taste the difference between teriyaki and kal-bi 

You know why there are alphabets on trees on graduation day 

You know what lei day is. 

You know what the "stink eye" is
and how to give it. 

You can correctly pronouce kalanianaole, kalakaua and aiea 

You know what a "Huli Huli Chicken" is. 

You can name 3 varieties of mangos. 

You know the difference between being hapa and being hapai 

You give directions using mauka and makai. 

You know what it takes to get into kamehameha school. 

You say, "Nori" not seaweed paper. 

You say "Brah" not "Bro". 

You know why Sharks Cove is called Sharks Cove. 

Your jokes are about Portugese not Polish. 

You know what "Morgan's Corner " is ... (And it still scares you!) 

You think 70 degrees is freezing cold 

You call it "saimin" not "Top Ramen" 

The surf report is on your speed dial... 

Rainbow Drive-Inn is a special date. 

You know pineapples don't grow in trees. 

When you hear the words "fund raiser", you know it means Zippy's Chili 

You have said "wat, owe you money?", "karang your alas", or "dakine" 

You call public transportation "da BUS" 

You go to Neiman Marcus "jus fo look" 

The mainland people no can understand your language. 

You eat mango with shoyu, vinegar, and pepper 

You like ume, daikon, and kim chee better than pickles. 

You never understood why adding pineapple and ham to a pizza made it
Hawaiian to the rest of the world 

You have a separate circuit breaker for your rice cooker 

You measure the water for the rice by the knuckle of your index finger 

The condiments at the dinner table are shoyu, ketchup, chili peppah
watah, kimchee, takuwan, Hawaiian salt and pickled onion 

You go to Maui and your luggage home includes potato chips, manju,
cream puffs, guri-guri and fresh saimin from Sam Sato's 

A balanced meal has three starches: rice, macaroni and bread 

You call everyone older than you "Aunty" or "Uncle" even though they
aren't related to you 

Your philosophy is "Bumbai" 

You are barefoot in most of you elementary school pictures. 

Your only suit is a bathing suit. 

You drive barefoot. 

You feel guilt leaving a get-together without helping clean up. 

The idea of taking something from a heiau is unthinkable. 

You'd rather drag out the compressor and fill that leaking tire
every single morning than have it fixed. 

The only time you honk your horn is once a year during the safety check. 

You can live and let live with a smile in your heart. 

Nobody is sure exactly where "north" is. 

Your cousin is Japanese-Chinese-French-Filipino-Korea
-Scottish-Portuguese-Hawaiian, plus some stuff too manini to mention


You watch your favorite shows "on top the TV" 

The best cooks all use lots of mayonnaise 

An approaching hurricane means only one thing Ė surf's up, brah! 

"You like beef" has nothing to do with what's for dinner 

Beans are the perfect condiment for ice cream 

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Hawaii

-----------------

poster: Ranja
subject: >You know your hawaiian when...
date: Fri Mar  4 15:53:12 2005

Someone make sure litho gets it too. He's from hawaii.

-----------------

poster: bosh
subject: Bush joke
date: Sun Mar  6 13:10:23 2005

One day president Bush was visiting the queen of England. During his visit, Bush asks the queen "How do you know who is right for leadership and responsibility?"



The queen says "I ask them a thinking question, and if they get it right, they have some intelligence and may be a good leader."



The queen then calls in the prime minister and asks him "If your mother and father had a child that wasn't your brother and sister, who is it?"



The prime minister thinks for a second and says "Well of course, it has to be me."



Upon his arrival back in the U.S., Bush calls Dick Cheaney up on the phone and asks him the same question. Cheaney told Bush "Give me some time to think about it."



So Cheaney then calls up Collin Powel, and asks him the very same question.  Powell thinks for a minute and says "It has to be me you idiot."



With the answer in hand, Cheaney calls Bush back and says "I have the answer to your question, it is Collin Powel."



Bush replies "Nope, Wrong. It is the Prime Minister."

-----------------

poster: Ondo
subject: >Bush joke
date: Tue Mar 15 01:33:32 2005

Am I the only one who finds it even funnier when liberals can't
spell Colin Powell or Cheney properly?

-----------------

poster: Athena
subject: >>Bush joke
date: Tue Mar 15 10:36:46 2005

On Tue Mar 15 01:33:32 2005 Ondo wrote post #199 in jokes:

> Am I the only one who finds it even funnier when liberals can't

> spell Colin Powell or Cheney properly?



Am I the only one who finds it funny when conservatives can't enjoy

a joke and have to reply about someones spelling?

-----------------

poster: Alacor
subject: >>>Bush joke
date: Tue Mar 15 14:07:19 2005

Yeah, I think you are. The rest of us think its just sad. 

-----------------

poster: Wildchild
subject: >>Bush joke
date: Tue Mar 15 14:32:50 2005

On Tue Mar 15 01:33:32 2005 Ondo wrote post #199:
> Am I the only one who finds it even funnier when liberals can't
> spell Colin Powell or Cheney properly?

I dunno.

Are you gonna go all 'nukyular' on us over it?

-WildChild

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >>>Bush joke
date: Tue Mar 15 16:40:52 2005

On Tue Mar 15 14:32:50 2005 Wildchild wrote post #202:
> On Tue Mar 15 01:33:32 2005 Ondo wrote post #199:
> > Am I the only one who finds it even funnier when liberals can't
> > spell Colin Powell or Cheney properly?
> 
> I dunno.
> 
> Are you gonna go all 'nukyular' on us over it?
> 
> -WildChild
Fool me once...

shame on... shame on you...

Fool me a fool muh can't get fooled again...

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: >>>Bush joke
date: Wed Mar 16 14:40:43 2005

On Tue Mar 15 10:36:46 2005 Athena wrote post #200:
> On Tue Mar 15 01:33:32 2005 Ondo wrote post #199 in jokes:

> > Am I the only one who finds it even funnier when liberals can't

> > spell Colin Powell or Cheney properly?

> 

> Am I the only one who finds it funny when conservatives can't enjoy

> a joke and have to reply about someones spelling?
I think Ondo has a point here.  It's like people making
grammar flames in which the flame itself contains grammatical errors.

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >>>>Bush joke
date: Wed Mar 16 15:33:11 2005

On Wed Mar 16 14:40:43 2005 Tahnval wrote post #204:
> On Tue Mar 15 10:36:46 2005 Athena wrote post #200:
> > On Tue Mar 15 01:33:32 2005 Ondo wrote post #199 in jokes:
> > > Am I the only one who finds it even funnier when liberals can't
> > > spell Colin Powell or Cheney properly?
> > 
> > Am I the only one who finds it funny when conservatives can't enjoy
> > a joke and have to reply about someones spelling?
> I think Ondo has a point here.  It's like people making
> grammar flames in which the flame itself contains grammatical errors.

Ondo has no leg to stand on.

First, he was flaming a joke, not a grammar flame.
Second, he makes the bizarre assumption that the poster is a liberal,
that the joke comes from some secret liberal headquarters,
and that liberals can't spell.

(If I had to guess I'd say this is because his head is permanently
inserted in Rush Limbaugh's ass)

Finally, a conservative chucking platitudes about liberals not being
able to spell/speak
is gross hypocrisy, considering his own grand ayatollah (dubya) is
one of the worst
speakers/grammarians in oratorical history.

Try 'bushisms' on google for a few examples.

-----------------

poster: Ondo
subject: >>>>>Bush joke
date: Thu Mar 17 00:18:25 2005

On Wed Mar 16 15:33:11 2005 Uno wrote post #205:
> On Wed Mar 16 14:40:43 2005 Tahnval wrote post #204:
> > On Tue Mar 15 10:36:46 2005 Athena wrote post #200:
> > > On Tue Mar 15 01:33:32 2005 Ondo wrote post #199 in jokes:
> > > > Am I the only one who finds it even funnier when liberals can't
> > > > spell Colin Powell or Cheney properly?
> > > 
> > > Am I the only one who finds it funny when conservatives can't enjoy
> > > a joke and have to reply about someones spelling?
> > I think Ondo has a point here.  It's like people making
> > grammar flames in which the flame itself contains grammatical errors.
> 
> Ondo has no leg to stand on.
> 
> First, he was flaming a joke, not a grammar flame.
> Second, he makes the bizarre assumption that the poster is a liberal,
> that the joke comes from some secret liberal headquarters,
> and that liberals can't spell.
> 
> (If I had to guess I'd say this is because his head is permanently
> inserted in Rush Limbaugh's ass)
> 
> Finally, a conservative chucking platitudes about liberals not being
> able to spell/speak
> is gross hypocrisy, considering his own grand ayatollah (dubya) is
> one of the worst
> speakers/grammarians in oratorical history.
> 
> Try 'bushisms' on google for a few examples.
Wow, I had no idea people were going to get THIS stirred up about my comment.

Yes, I made a leap when I assumed the poster was a liberal. This is
the same leap you and most followup posters made when you assume I
am a conservative.However, you make a much bigger leap rambling
about Rush Limbaugh's ass, secret headquarters, etc.

Bush is hardly my 'ayatollah', I disagree with quite a few things
he's said or done. But I still find it funny when people make jokes
ripping on others, but can't even be bothered to learn to spell
their names properly. Guess it's just Tahnval and I who feel that
way.

Also agreed, Bush is hardly an eloquent speaker--but he'd give the
author of that joke a run for their money ;)


I have no idea if it's true or not, but I heard that the one
election George W. lost (it was back in TX) was to a 'country boy'
who played up his Ivy League education.  Punch line being that he
vowed never to be out-dumbed again and the Democrats haven't
out-smarted him since.

You have one point...please edit 'liberal' to 'people making Bush
and others the butt of jokes' in my original post. While the two are
often related, they are not the same. I stand by the rest.

-----------------

poster: wildchild
subject: Laura Bush in heaven
date: Thu Mar 17 14:49:17 2005

Laura Bush died, and when she got to Heaven, St. Peter gave her a tour, given her celebrity status. She was surprised to see country clubs, but felt right at home in the First Ladies' wing, where tea was served by Jackie O.



At one point, Laura saw many, many clocks, all showing a different time. She asked if they were for all the different time zones in the universe. St. Peter told her that each clock represented a person on earth, and a minute clicked by on a person's clock for every lie he told. He pointed out a clock

that said 12:00 sharp, and told her it was the clock of a saint.



Laura asked St. Peter if her husband, George W. Bush had a clock. "He sure does," said St. Peter. "In fact, Jesus keeps your husband's clock in his room."



Laura was delighted. "Is that because he's a saint?" she asked. "I'm afraid not," said St. Peter, "Jesus likes to use your husband's clock as a ceiling fan."

-----------------

poster: wildchild
subject: Bush gets new nickname
date: Thu Mar 17 14:50:54 2005

George Bush recently gave a speech at an Indian Reservation in the Midwest. W used the speech to tout his new social security reforms, as well as to emphasize America's progress in "winning" the war on terror.



After his speech, the tribal leaders of the reservation performed an elaborate name-giving ceremony, and christened W with the Indian name "Walking Eagle."



W was, as I'm sure you can imagine, very excited about this, what with his penchant for nicknames and all. He went back to Washington and told everybody who would give him more than a second of their time all about the elaborate ceremony, and about his way cool new Indian name, Walking Eagle. He was so excited, in fact, that the name-giving stayed in the news cycle for far longer than it normally would (or should) have.



Finally, a Newsweek reporter tracked down the chief of the tribe from the reservation, and got an exclusive interview to get to the details from the other side. The reporter had the chief describe the various parts of the ceremony and their significance, and, finally, he got to the million-dollar question.



"The name 'Walking Eagle' is a very cool name, and obviously it pleased the President. But can you tell me what it means?"



And the chief said, "Well, you don't really think anybody that full of $hit could actually FLY, do you?"

-----------------

poster: Phil
subject: >Bush gets new nickname
date: Thu Mar 17 15:14:38 2005

On Thu Mar 17 14:50:54 2005 wildchild wrote post #208 in jokes:

> George Bush recently gave a speech at an Indian Reservation in the Midwest. W used the speech to tout his new social security reforms, as well as to emphasize America's progress in "winning" the war on terror.



> 



> After his speech, the tribal leaders of the reservation performed an elaborate name-giving ceremony, and christened W with the Indian name "Walking Eagle."



> 



> W was, as I'm sure you can imagine, very excited about this, what with his penchant for nicknames and all. He went back to Washington and told everybody who would give him more than a second of their time all about the elaborate ceremony, and about his way cool new Indian name, Walking Eagle. He was so excited, in fact, that the name-giving stayed in the news cycle for far longer than it normally would (or should) have.



> 



> Finally, a Newsweek reporter tracked down the chief of the tribe from the reservation, and got an exclusive interview to get to the details from the other side. The reporter had the chief describe the various parts of the ceremony and their significance, and, finally, he got to the million-dollar question.



> 



> "The name 'Walking Eagle' is a very cool name, and obviously it pleased the President. But can you tell me what it means?"



> 



> And the chief said, "Well, you don't really think anybody that full of $hit could actually FLY, do you?"

thats pretty good

-----------------

poster: Bosh
subject: >>>>>>Bush joke
date: Sat Mar 19 06:42:04 2005

Wow, well I certainly didn't expect everyone to get in a big quarrel over a simple joke... although Ondo does serve a point in grammatical errors in jokes. But he, or anyone knows the whole story. When I posted that joke, I was a little drunk, and a lot tired, so I was worn and could care less how a couple names are  spelled in a joke. I certainly didn't think there would be some argument over it. Oh, and by the way, I am not a liberal or conservative, can't remember what they are called, but right in the center... I apoligize for any misspellings that may have affected your lives.

-----------------

poster: Lu
subject: >>>>>>>Bush joke
date: Sat Mar 19 21:21:42 2005

On Sat Mar 19 06:42:04 2005 Bosh wrote post #210:
> Wow, well I certainly didn't expect everyone to get in a big quarrel over
a simple joke... although Ondo does serve a point in grammatical errors in
jokes. But he, or anyone knows the whole story. When I posted that joke, I
was a little drunk, and a lot tired, so I was worn and could care less how a
couple names are  spelled in a joke. I certainly didn't think there would be
some argument over it. Oh, and by the way, I am not a liberal or
conservative, can't remember what they are called, but right in the
center... I apoligize for any misspellings that may have affected your
lives.
thankyou bosh, your apology has drawn me from the black hole that
your joke sent me spiraling down into.

-----------------

poster: Modred
subject: joke for pyro
date: Thu Mar 31 18:56:11 2005

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He
can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

The frog asks, "Miss Whack, I'd like to have a £3,000 loan to take a holiday."

Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says
that his name is Kermit Jagger, that his dad is Mick Jagger and also that
he knows the bank manager.

Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,
about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £3,000. And he wants to
use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant and asks,
"What in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
"It's a knickknack, Pattie Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."

-----------------

poster: sweeterevil
subject: pyro
date: Thu Mar 31 18:59:33 2005

Draco thinks he is the man of my dreams and i couldnt handle him for 10min!







oooo and please forgive me draco but hey! I WIN!

-----------------

poster: Draco
subject: >pyro
date: Thu Mar 31 19:04:47 2005

On Thu Mar 31 18:59:33 2005 sweeterevil wrote post #213:
> Draco thinks he is the man of my dreams and i couldnt handle him for 10min!

> 

> 

> 

> oooo and please forgive me draco but hey! I WIN!
1) i am the man of every woman's dreams.
2) most women cant handle me for 10 mins
 nuf said
 and i aint joking
at all
stop laughing faggorts
ok im done
bye

-----------------

poster: Beranis
subject: For Pyro
date: Thu Mar 31 19:05:02 2005



-----------------

poster: Sweeterevil
subject: >pyro
date: Thu Mar 31 19:05:45 2005

On Thu Mar 31 18:59:33 2005 sweeterevil wrote post #213 in jokes:

> Draco thinks he is the man of my dreams and i couldnt handle him for 10min!



> 

Draco {myth}: sweeterevil 1) i am the man of every woman's dreams, and 2) not many women can handle me for 10 mins



Draco {myth}: this isnt about the money, i was purely being serious 





> 



> 



> oooo and please forgive me draco but hey! I WIN!

-----------------

poster: Draco
subject: >>pyro
date: Thu Mar 31 19:07:20 2005

On Thu Mar 31 19:04:47 2005 Draco wrote post #214:
> On Thu Mar 31 18:59:33 2005 sweeterevil wrote post #213:
> > Draco thinks he is the man of my dreams and i couldnt handle him for
10min!

> > 

> > 

> > 

> > oooo and please forgive me draco but hey! I WIN!
> 1) i am the man of every woman's dreams.
> 2) most women cant handle me for 10 mins
>  nuf said
>  and i aint joking
> at all
> stop laughing faggorts
> ok im done
> bye
btw, i mean they cant handle me for 10 mins cause they are screaming
in pain because they cant take that much, its a asd time really

-----------------

poster: Tektor
subject: >>pyro
date: Fri Apr  1 05:37:02 2005

On Thu Mar 31 19:04:47 2005 Draco wrote post #214:
> On Thu Mar 31 18:59:33 2005 sweeterevil wrote post #213:
> > Draco thinks he is the man of my dreams and i couldnt handle him for
10min!
> 
> > 
> 
> > 
> 
> > 
> 
> > oooo and please forgive me draco but hey! I WIN!
> 1) i am the man of every woman's dreams.
> 2) most women cant handle me for 10 mins
>  nuf said
>  and i aint joking
> at all
> stop laughing faggorts
> ok im done
> bye
Your the man of my wetdreams draco you seksi person you.
After 10 mins you'd be begging for more rah!

-----------------

poster: Apathy
subject: Beware the Unitarian Jihad
date: Sat Apr  9 05:47:04 2005

 The following is the first communique from a group calling itself Unitarian
Jihad. It was sent to me at The Chronicle via an anonymous spam remailer. I
have no idea whether other news organizations have received this communique,
and, if so, why they have not chosen to print it. Perhaps they fear starting
a panic. I feel strongly that the truth, no matter how alarming, trivial or
disgusting, must always be told. I am pleased to report that the words below
are at least not disgusting:

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian
Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our
God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother
Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at
all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your
attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long
have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote,
no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long
have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You
have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use
the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!

People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you??? Whatever
happened to ... you know, everything? Why is the news dominated by nutballs
saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of
every American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to
rid the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them to go live
wherever they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great
idea? Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no
disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to the
committee of the whole for further discussion.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again, nor
have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read,
what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes
for the record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good
person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother
Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in
the minutes.

Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with
brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and
personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like
actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators
and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We
will not try for "balance" by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by
hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require people
to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love suggested that
we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, but her motion was not
formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.) We will require all
lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers to dress like trout in public.
Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists.
Demagogues of all stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in
prisons.

We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." We have
heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just because
you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just because your motives are
pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or comfort someone in a
nursing home, or just feed the birds in the park. Play basketball. Lighten
up. The world is not out to get you, except in the sense that the world is
out to get everyone.

Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the world is out
to get him because everyone laughs when he says he is a Unitarian. There
were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone suggested that we buy
some Congress members and really stick it to the Baptists. But this was
deemed against Revolutionary Principles, and Brother Gatling Gun of Patience
was remanded to the Sunday Flowers and Banners committee.

People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike without
warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from
nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There will be coffee and
cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution. Startling new underground
group spreads lack of panic! Citizens declare themselves "relatively
unafraid" of threats of undeclared rationality. People can still go to
France, terrorist leader says.

-----------------

poster: Mor
subject: >Beware the Unitarian Jihad
date: Sat Apr  9 17:21:43 2005

Thanks you, Apathy, for posting that. its been way to long since
I've read something of this calibre :)

-----------------

poster: Moridin
subject: >>Beware the Unitarian Jihad
date: Mon Apr 11 12:59:36 2005

On Sat Apr  9 17:21:43 2005 Mor wrote post #220 in jokes:

> Thanks you, Apathy, for posting that. its been way to long since

> I've read something of this calibre :)



Agreed, too bad it is all fiction :\

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >>>Beware the Unitarian Jihad
date: Mon Apr 11 14:01:20 2005

On Mon Apr 11 12:59:36 2005 Moridin wrote post #221:
> On Sat Apr  9 17:21:43 2005 Mor wrote post #220 in jokes:

> > Thanks you, Apathy, for posting that. its been way to long since

> > I've read something of this calibre :)

> 

> Agreed, too bad it is all fiction :\
T
Infidel! Do not make spread such lies or you will burn for all eternity!

if that's alright with you?

if not we could discuss alternative punishment, perhaps revoke your
library card?

-----------------

poster: Apathy
subject: >>Beware the Unitarian Jihad
date: Mon Apr 11 16:40:39 2005

On Sat Apr  9 17:21:43 2005 Mor wrote post #220:
> Thanks you, Apathy, for posting that. its been way to long since
> I've read something of this calibre :)

You're welcome.  I've since found the original source:
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle
archive/2005/04/08/DDG27BCFLG1.DTL

-Apathy

-----------------

poster: Apathy
subject: >>>Beware the Unitarian Jihad
date: Mon Apr 11 16:41:57 2005

On Mon Apr 11 16:40:39 2005 Apathy wrote post #223:
> On Sat Apr  9 17:21:43 2005 Mor wrote post #220:
> > Thanks you, Apathy, for posting that. its been way to long since
> > I've read something of this calibre :)
> 
> You're welcome.  I've since found the original source:
> http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle
> archive/2005/04/08/DDG27BCFLG1.DTL
> 
> -Apathy

And as usual, the news editor destroyed the link.  Throw a / in
there between chronicle and archive.

-Apathy

-----------------

poster: Genesis
subject: Ninja!
date: Tue Apr 12 02:16:22 2005

http://three.flash-gear.com/npuz/puz.php?c=v&id=95631&k=5673413

take a minute and put the puzzle together

-----------------

poster: Phil
subject: >Ninja!
date: Tue Apr 12 16:43:49 2005

On Tue Apr 12 02:16:22 2005 Genesis wrote post #225 in jokes:

> http://three.flash-gear.com/npuz/puz.php?c=v&id=95631&k=5673413

> 

> take a minute and put the puzzle together

This is funny Problem is i can see my friends and i doing that to someone

-----------------

poster: wildchild
subject: mother-in-law joke
date: Wed Apr 13 15:22:08 2005

A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.

While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. 



The undertaker told them, "Youcan have her shipped home for $5,000, or

you canbury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."



The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped

home.



The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your

mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and

spend only $150.00?"



The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and

three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that

chance."

-----------------

poster: Zifnab
subject: Living Will
date: Wed Apr 13 20:27:37 2005

Found this amusing.. Perhaps its because I am dealing currently
 with inlaws and stuff they should have taken care of long ago..

I, ___________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be 
kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of
peckerwood ethically challenged politicians who couldn't 
pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and 
ask for a__________ (Stout, Rum & Coke, Scotch, Margarita, 
Screwdriver, Bloody Mary, etc...you get the idea) it should be 
presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my
spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, 
reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the hypocritical members of the
Legislature (State or Federal) enact a special law to keep 
me on life-support machinery.

It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn 
business, and pay attention instead to the health, education 
and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a 
permanent coma.

Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into 
this case. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're 
trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency, it is 
my wish that they play politics with someone else's life and 
leave me alone to die in peace.

I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send 
e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. 
I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized 
them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their 
own business, too.

If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case 
into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from 
the grave and kick his or her dumb ass.

_____________________
Signature 



-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >Living Will
date: Wed Apr 13 20:37:36 2005

On Wed Apr 13 20:27:37 2005 Zifnab wrote post #228:
> own business, too.
> 
> If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case 
> into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from 
> the grave and kick his or her dumb ass.
> 
> _____________________
> Signature 
> 
> 
i need to print this out, sign it and get it notarized...

-----------------

poster: Gabriel
subject: >>>Beware the Unitarian Jihad
date: Wed Apr 20 16:27:48 2005

I have a friend who is an ordained Unitarian minister.
SHe's so going to marry me if i ever find i guy i don't want to
shoot in the head.

-----------------

poster: Tigran
subject: Darth Benedict
date: Wed Apr 20 16:29:54 2005

http://darthbenedict.ytmnd.com/

Actually, I think he looks more like the Emperor, but it's not my site.

-----------------

poster: Elminster
subject: >Darth Benedict
date: Fri Apr 29 15:05:22 2005

On Wed Apr 20 16:29:54 2005 Tigran wrote post #231 in jokes:

> http://darthbenedict.ytmnd.com/

> 

> Actually, I think he looks more like the Emperor, but it's not my site.

is that the new pope?

-----------------

poster: Jaguar
subject: must be love
date: Sat Apr 30 00:35:51 2005

http://viral.lycos.co.uk/pop.html?url=http://www.zen15631.zen.co.uk/bb.mpg

-----------------

poster: Ant
subject: >>Darth Benedict
date: Sat Apr 30 20:37:49 2005

On Fri Apr 29 15:05:22 2005 Elminster wrote post #232:
> On Wed Apr 20 16:29:54 2005 Tigran wrote post #231 in jokes:
> 
> > http://darthbenedict.ytmnd.com/
> 
> > 
> 
> > Actually, I think he looks more like the Emperor, but it's not my site.
> 
> is that the new pope?
[Nerd mode ON] - The Emperor is also called Darth Sidious. Apparently, 
"darth" is some sort of Sith title thingie, as we also have Darth Maul
and, of course, everyone's favorite, Darth Vader. :)

[Nerd mode OFF]

-----------------

poster: Tektor
subject: >>>Darth Benedict
date: Sun May  1 08:07:03 2005

On Sat Apr 30 20:37:49 2005 Ant wrote post #234:
> On Fri Apr 29 15:05:22 2005 Elminster wrote post #232:
> > On Wed Apr 20 16:29:54 2005 Tigran wrote post #231 in jokes:
> > 
> > > http://darthbenedict.ytmnd.com/
> > 
> > > 
> > 
> > > Actually, I think he looks more like the Emperor, but it's not my site.
> > 
> > is that the new pope?
> [Nerd mode ON] - The Emperor is also called Darth Sidious. Apparently, 
> "darth" is some sort of Sith title thingie, as we also have Darth Maul
> and, of course, everyone's favorite, Darth Vader. :)
> 
> [Nerd mode OFF]
Darth is the anti Jedi Knight, like how there are the padowne (no
idea on the spelling atm) apprentices, and then when they are good
enough they become jedi knights, not not sure what the apprenctice
siths are called tho.

-----------------

poster: Ant
subject: >>>>Darth Benedict
date: Sun May  1 13:33:27 2005

Darth Maul was Sidious' apprentice, yet he was a "darth"...
oh, and the spelling is "padawan" :)

Seems I left my nerd more on after all :D

-----------------

poster: Bahgtru
subject: >>>Darth Benedict
date: Tue May 10 10:17:34 2005

On Sat Apr 30 20:37:49 2005 Ant wrote post #234 in jokes:

> On Fri Apr 29 15:05:22 2005 Elminster wrote post #232:

> > On Wed Apr 20 16:29:54 2005 Tigran wrote post #231 in jokes:

> > 

> > > http://darthbenedict.ytmnd.com/

> > 

> > > 

> > 

> > > Actually, I think he looks more like the Emperor, but it's not my site.

> > 

> > is that the new pope?

> [Nerd mode ON] - The Emperor is also called Darth Sidious. Apparently, 

> "darth" is some sort of Sith title thingie, as we also have Darth Maul

> and, of course, everyone's favorite, Darth Vader. :)

> 

> [Nerd mode OFF]



Actually, if my Star Wars nerdiness is correct, the Emperor is Emperor Palpatine, not Darth Sidious (they just seem to have a similar dress code). Having not seen Episode III yet I may be mistaken. The word 'darth' was possibly George Lucas' drunken interpretation of the word 'dark'.



Thanks for reading



PS: I was not here. You _did not_ see me *waves hand like a Jedi*

-----------------

poster: Alacor
subject: >>>>Darth Benedict
date: Wed May 11 00:42:57 2005

Just for the record,
Darth Sidious = Emperor Palpatine
kthx

-----------------

poster: Tranquil
subject: AHAHAHA AWESOEM JOEK!!!11
date: Wed May 11 06:41:29 2005

On Wed May 11 06:02:43 2005 Draco wrote general post #433:
> .. i wouldnt have anything to say and would shut up

'nuff said.

-----------------

poster: Gabriel
subject: southerners
date: Tue May 17 19:01:24 2005

Got this in my email. . . Yes, i'm southern. Yes, it makes me sad.
However, these are so true to the ppl here, and I thought you might
enjoy laughing at us. :)
In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of the
Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person
as they enter a Southern State. 



1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before
breakfast than you do all week at the gym. 



2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're
going to get dust on your Lincoln Navigator. Drive it, or get it out
of the way! 



3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the
color, don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.




4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.
Yeah, we saw that Bambi movie, too. We got over it. 



5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis fly rod. Don't cry to us if a
flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those
little 13-inch trout you fish for:  bait.
6. Pull your pants up! You look like an idiot. 



7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making
their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure
it's not up to your ear at the time. 



8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak.
Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the
two pounds of ham and turkey. 

9. Tea -- yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice, and it's
sweet. You want it hot? Set it in the sun. You want it unsweetened?
Add a lot of water. 



10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and
served over ice! 



11. You have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We
have a quarter of a million-dollar Combine that we only use two
weeks a year. 

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop
when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow. 



13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we
eat--yeah, even breakfast. We go to church on Wednesdays and
Sundays, and we go to high school football games on Friday nights.
We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and
we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and
neighbors. 



14. We don't do "hurry up" 
well.
15. Greens -- yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You
boil them with salty fatback, bacon, or a smoked hog jowl. 



16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp. You really want
sushi and caviar? It's available down at the bait shop. 



17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't
like it? Interstate 75 goes two ways. Interstate 40 goes the other
two. Pick one. 



18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper
on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want
cream of wheat -- go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West. 



19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove
season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and
sausage before daylight at the church on either day. 
20. So every person in every pickup truck waves? Yeah, it's called
being friendly. Understand the concept? 



21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It
spooks the fish and bothers the gators --and, if you hit it in the
rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not
baseball players. 



22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for
driving like an idiot --his name is "Sir," no matter how young he
is. 
23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them.
You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a souvenir on
your hood. 



24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat-up. No
questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all
four of them -- enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50
fine for beating up the flag burner. 



American by Birth. Southern by the Grace of God. 


-----------------

poster: Gabriel
subject: growing up in arkansas
date: Tue May 17 19:13:04 2005

i laughed so hard i choked. very true.


>1. "How 'bout them Hogs" is a common phrase around your house. 
>2. Everyone you know has been on a "Float Trip". 
>3. "Vacation" means driving to Hot Springs or maybe even Branson. 
>4. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years AFTER they were popular. 
>5. You measure distance in minutes rather than miles. For example, Well, 
>Conway's only 20 minutes away." 
>6. Up North to you means Missouri. 
>7. The phrase "I'm going to the Lake this weekend" only means one thing.
>8. You know several people who have hit a deer. 
>9. You think Arkansas is spelled with an "aw" at the end. 
>10.Your school classes were canceled because of cold. 
>11.You consider riding a mechanical bull true entertainment! 
>12.Your school classes were canceled because of heat. 
>13.You instinctively ask someone you've just met, "What High School did 
>you go to?" 
>14.You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. 
>15.You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better." 
>16.You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July. 
>17.You see people wear bib overalls at funerals. 
>18.You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in 
>it, no matter what time of the year. 
>19.You know in your heart that Arkansas can beat Texas in football. 
>20.You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: 
>"Where's my coat at?" 

>21.All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, 
>vegetable, animal or grain. 
>22.You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both 
>unlocked. 
>23.You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, catfish, and 
>Sweet Tea. 
>24.You carry jumper cables in your car and know that everyone else 
>should. 
>25.You went to skating parties as a kid. 
>26.You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ranch and ketchup. 
>27.You eat dinner at noon and supper at night. 
>28.You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a T-shirt. 
>29.The local paper covers national and international headlines in one 
>column, but requires six pages for sports. 
>30.You think I-40 is spelled and pronounced "ah fahty". 
>31.You'll pay for your kids way through college unless they want to go 
>to UT. 
>32.You think that "deer season" is a National Holiday. 
>33.You know that you can't get anywhere without going through Little 
Rock first.
>34.You can't think of anything better than sitting on the porch in the 
>middle of the summer during a thunderstorm. 
>35. You know what time to be home for curfew - not because of the law, 
>but because of the mosquitos! 
>36.You've said, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity." 
>37.You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer and 
>Football. 
>38.You know if another Arkansan is from the Ozarks, Northern, Central, 

>or Southern part of AR as soon as they open their mouth.
>39.You know that Bill Clinton, Ted Danson's wife, and John Grisham are 
>all from Arkansas. 
>40.You failed World Geography in school because you thought Paris, 
>London, Bismark & Nashville were cities in Arkansas (& they are!) 
>41.You think a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. 
>42.You know what "Wooooo Pig Sooie " means. 


Now, I have a bone to pick: Everyone also knows that Billy Bob
Thronton is from Arkansas.
And, in reference to the festivals, we have Peach Fest, pecan fest,
and toad suck daze, to name a few. 
(since none of you would get that otherwise)

-----------------

poster: Inside
subject: >southerners
date: Tue May 17 23:47:48 2005

just so you yankees know, florida is not southern, and new orleans
is not anything.

-----------------

poster: Monkey
subject: >growing up in arkansas
date: Wed May 18 02:13:36 2005

watermelon festival mmmmm

-----------------

poster: Inside
subject: >>growing up in arkansas
date: Wed May 18 02:14:52 2005

On Wed May 18 02:13:36 2005 Monkey wrote post #243:
> watermelon festival mmmmm
we had a strawberries festival in new orleans. it was pretty good.
it may have been in another city that's just connected to new
orleans. come to think of it, i bet it was. oh well, it's all new
orleans, really.

-----------------

poster: Phire
subject: >>>growing up in arkansas
date: Wed May 18 02:48:31 2005

On Wed May 18 02:14:52 2005 Inside wrote post #244:
> On Wed May 18 02:13:36 2005 Monkey wrote post #243:
> > watermelon festival mmmmm
> we had a strawberries festival in new orleans. it was pretty good.
> it may have been in another city that's just connected to new
> orleans. come to think of it, i bet it was. oh well, it's all new
> orleans, really.
Strawberry festival is in Ponchatoula, LA 
It's kinda between New Orleans and Baton Rouge. If you are from New
Orleans, then
Ponchatoula is in the sticks.

Also, it is not unforgiveable to call New Orleanians southerns, but
remember to us "the North" starts
right above Baton Rouge.

-----------------

poster: Inside
subject: >>>>growing up in arkansas
date: Wed May 18 02:50:19 2005

On Wed May 18 02:48:31 2005 Phire wrote post #245:
> On Wed May 18 02:14:52 2005 Inside wrote post #244:
> > On Wed May 18 02:13:36 2005 Monkey wrote post #243:
> > > watermelon festival mmmmm
> > we had a strawberries festival in new orleans. it was pretty good.
> > it may have been in another city that's just connected to new
> > orleans. come to think of it, i bet it was. oh well, it's all new
> > orleans, really.
> Strawberry festival is in Ponchatoula, LA 
> It's kinda between New Orleans and Baton Rouge. If you are from New
> Orleans, then
> Ponchatoula is in the sticks.
> 
> Also, it is not unforgiveable to call New Orleanians southerns, but
> remember to us "the North" starts
> right above Baton Rouge.
it's in ponchatoula? hrm. i thought it was closer. oh well.
here's a good joke. know how mardi gras is rated by the city?
by the number of tons of trash it has.
here's the punchline:
i'm serious.

-----------------

poster: Gabriel
subject: story
date: Wed May 18 16:48:15 2005

i wrote this last night. . . borrowed the idea from tzikas sorta.
Thinking about doing a Survivor one. . . we'll see.
Enjoy.
http://www.angelfire.com/moon2/argonianred/IoMhumor/bachelorette.html

-----------------

poster: Khosan
subject: cats
date: Thu May 19 00:43:20 2005

http://wms.dr.dk/storage/p3/Morten/video/funny_cats.wmv
http://wms.dr.dk/storage/p3/Morten/video/cat_ventilator.wmv

-----------------

poster: Gabriel
subject: inner peace
date: Mon May 30 16:35:54 2005

INNER PEACE
 
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and
we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple
advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show,  I have finally found inner
peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to
finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house
to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the
house this morning I finished
off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, 
a bottle of  Jack Daniels, a bottle of Kahlua, a packet of Oreos,
the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of
the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Chocolates. You have no
idea how freaking good I feel. 

-----------------

poster: Elminster
subject: >inner peace
date: Mon May 30 20:01:40 2005

On Mon May 30 16:35:54 2005 Gabriel wrote post #249 in jokes:

> INNER PEACE

>  

> I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and

> we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple

> advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show,  I have finally found inner

> peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to

> finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house

> to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the

> house this morning I finished

> off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, 

> a bottle of  Jack Daniels, a bottle of Kahlua, a packet of Oreos,

> the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of

> the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Chocolates. You have no

> idea how freaking good I feel. 

you know i think we would all feel pretty good if we followed that advice i'm pretty sure my mom has a bottle of rum from the 60's that would be real good right now

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: Slightly rude
date: Mon Jun 20 04:57:49 2005

A hetero couple go golfing.  They're both crap at it, but it's
fun.  The woman tees off first...thwick!  She's hooked it way
off into the rough.  The man tees off...thwock!  He's sliced it
way off into the rough on the other side.  They laugh and go
looking for their balls.

The woman find hers in a little depression full of buttercups, so
she hacks some of the buttercups down to make some room.
Suddenly, a maternal-looking woman appears in front of her!  Just
appears out of thin air.

"I'm Mother Nature.  I spent ages getting those buttercups just
how I wanted them and you've ruined them.  You've annoyed me and
I'm going to stop you eating butter for a year!  That'll remind you
of the buttercups you ruined!"
With that, she just disappears.

The golfing woman is spooked.  Well, you would be by someone
appearing and disappearing like that, with that strange
speech about butter.  Bleh!  As soon as she thinks about
butter, she feels sick.  Just the idea of a slice of
buttered toast makes her retch!  Damn, maybe that woman
was Mother Nature.  No eating butter (yuck!) for a year.

Totally unsettled, the golfing woman goes looking for
her man and some normality.  She can't see him, so she
calls out, asking him where he is.

"I'm over here, by the trees.  My ball is in this pussy willows."

"Don't swing!  For God's sake, don't swing!"

-----------------

poster: blackjack
subject: Language Barrier
date: Mon Jun 20 19:57:46 2005

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an

animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,

but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the

following:



"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come

once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee

twice. Then I come one lasta time."



"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine", retorted the lady indignantly. "In

this country.......we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex

lives........"



"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."


-----------------

poster: Escense
subject: Qantas
date: Tue Jun 21 20:33:27 2005

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe
sheet, which tells mechanics aboutproblems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. 
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas
pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the
way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

P= The problem logged by the pilot. S= The solution and action taken
by the mechanics.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget


 Someone emailed this to me thought it was cute and desided to share
hope you like :P

*smooches* Escense

-----------------

poster: Communist
subject: >Qantas
date: Wed Jun 22 00:11:38 2005

NASA plans to send a manned mission to the Sun.

"How's that possible? Won't the astronauts burn up?"
"Of course not.  We're going to do it at night."


-----------------

poster: bantum
subject: Ninja Burger
date: Fri Jul  1 02:16:29 2005

http://www.ninjaburger.com/

-----------------

poster: Ronan
subject: Vegas Trip
date: Tue Jul 12 01:07:25 2005

>A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout-looking 
>Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and 
>eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?
>
>"Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job.
>
>"Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job!  Holy crap, no hand-job is 
>worth that kind of money!  The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's 
>on the corner?"
>
>"Yes."
>
>"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
>
>"Yes."
>
>"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
>
>"Yes."
>
>"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I 
>own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.
>
>"Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.
>
>"They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is 
>sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job 
>of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.  He is so amazed, he says, 
>"I suppose a blow-job is $1000?"
>
>The hooker replies, "$1,500."
>
>"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!
>
>"The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you 
>see that casino just across the street?  I own that casino outright. 
>  And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of 
>$1,500."
>
>The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides 
>to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me 
>up.
>
>"Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than 
>before.  He can scarcely believe it but, he feels he truly got his 
>money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one 
>glorious and unforgettable experience.
>
>He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
>
>The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you 
>something
>Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us 
>all, those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?"
>
>"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
>
>"No," the hooker replies, "But I would if I had a pussy.

-----------------

poster: vargh
subject: fury of the pope
date: Fri Jul 15 05:26:45 2005



just check it out ;)

http://furyofthepope.ytmnd.com/

-----------------

poster: Gabriel
subject: heath
date: Tue Aug  2 01:27:32 2005

 CONCERNED  ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
  For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
  nutrition and  health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all
those conflicting medical 
  studies.
  
  1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
  than Americans.


  2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than 
  Americans.
  
  3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
  attacks than Americans.

 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer
  heart attacks than Americans.
  
  5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
  and suffer fewer heart  attacks than Americans.
  

CONCLUSION:
  Eat and  drink what you like.
  Speaking  English is apparently what kills you.  

-----------------

poster: Gabriel
subject: ONLY IN AMERICA
date: Sat Aug  6 19:03:55 2005

Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy
people can buy cigarettes at the front. 




Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke. ! 


Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters. 


Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 


Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
in packages of eight. 


Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'. 


Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering. 



EVER WONDER . 



Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? 



Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? ! 

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? 



Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? 



Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? 

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons? 



Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 



Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? 
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 



Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? 

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! 



Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 



Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? 
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? 



If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 


-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: Best EBAYER EVAR
date: Mon Aug 22 21:40:29 2005

http://tinyurl.com/57wr8

-----------------

poster: Inside
subject: satanism at its worst!
date: Sun Aug 28 02:33:36 2005

http://www.neenerneener.net/article.php?a=74

-----------------

poster: Gabriel
subject: football
date: Sun Sep  4 01:11:08 2005

Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to 
her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's 
bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all 
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each 
other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"


"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the 
game,  all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the 
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!


-----------------

poster: Goroharahad
subject: funny
date: Thu Sep 22 18:18:44 2005

http://gameprogrammer.com/games/scope/scope.jar

enter the url of a site you like and roll ..  if you don't mind the bandwidth

-----------------

poster: Genesis
subject: How to Shower
date: Fri Sep 30 04:34:08 2005

Rarely do I get an email that makes me laugh this hard. It may be funnier to the women here than the men though eheh.



How To Shower like a Woman 



Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. 

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/ leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. 

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. 

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower. 

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. 

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. 

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 



How to Shower Like a Man: 



Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. 

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. 

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass. 

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. 

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them ff.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. 

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. 

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off. 

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again. 

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. 

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed. 

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >How to Shower
date: Fri Sep 30 22:00:50 2005

On Fri Sep 30 04:34:08 2005 Genesis wrote post #267:
> Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

> Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

> Rinse off and get out of shower.

> Partially dry off. 

> Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the
whole time.

> Admire wiener size in mirror again. 

> Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

> Return to bedroom with towel around waist. 

> If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the
'woo-woo' sound again.

> Throw wet towel on bed. 

That sounds about right... 

-----------------

poster: Inside
subject: >>How to Shower
date: Sat Oct  1 00:21:17 2005

On Fri Sep 30 22:00:50 2005 Uno wrote post #268:
> On Fri Sep 30 04:34:08 2005 Genesis wrote post #267:
> > Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

> > Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

> > Rinse off and get out of shower.

> > Partially dry off. 

> > Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the
> whole time.

> > Admire wiener size in mirror again. 

> > Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

> > Return to bedroom with towel around waist. 

> > If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the
> 'woo-woo' sound again.

> > Throw wet towel on bed. 
> 
> That sounds about right... 
uno doesn't have a wife, so he just 'woo-woo's the mirror.

-----------------

poster: Tranquil
subject: >>>How to Shower
date: Sat Oct  1 07:36:10 2005

On Sat Oct  1 00:21:17 2005 Inside wrote post #269:
> On Fri Sep 30 22:00:50 2005 Uno wrote post #268:
> > On Fri Sep 30 04:34:08 2005 Genesis wrote post #267:
> > > Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

> > > Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

> > > Rinse off and get out of shower.

> > > Partially dry off. 

> > > Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the
> > whole time.

> > > Admire wiener size in mirror again. 

> > > Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

> > > Return to bedroom with towel around waist. 

> > > If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the
> > 'woo-woo' sound again.

> > > Throw wet towel on bed. 
> > 
> > That sounds about right... 
> uno doesn't have a wife, so he just 'woo-woo's the mirror.

The real question is this: Why do men carry cocktail sausages (silly
yankees call them weiners) into the shower with them?


-----------------

poster: Inside
subject: Just like you killed Sassy.
date: Wed Oct  5 23:36:57 2005

this is the funniest thing ever. the writer is a person called
Pamie. Everything else will be explained:
Mama Crazy
09 July 2002

The other night I was watching Sinead O'Connor and
realized how much she reminds me of my friend AB.
At first glance you think you're dealing with a tiny 
woman who probably wouldn't cause any harm to anybody.
Then she opens her mouth and you realize you've got a
Banshee on your hands. She's tough, strong, opinionated, 
and you don't even remember you have to look down to 
see her. She's powerful and loud and yes, the perfect 
amount of crazy.

I would have just provided a link for the backstory here,
but AB has gone and deleted her entire webpage just about,
so now I have to do some work.

To put it delicately, Master V, AB's husband, ran over their 
family cat a few months ago. He backed up over the cat, Sassy, 
while Miss Sassy (or was it a Mister?) was taking a nap. 
Master V feels pretty bad about the entire thing, and that's 
exactly why everyone just keeps mocking him about it. In fact,
my last visit to Chao Camp, as it's called around all parts, 
included a solemn memorial in the backyard, when AB's young 
daughter showed me the Sassy Stick, a wooden post that 
represents Sassy's final resting place. The Sassinator left 
this Earth way too soon, apparently, and not a day goes by 
that Master V isn't reminded that his need to drive motor 
vehicles so he can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a 
pan took away their feline companion.

Okay. Backstory finished.

Three weeks ago or so I was on the phone with AB, chatting 
about work, lack of work, boring work and what to do about 
boring work. We must have moved on from work to gossip, 
because AB needed to go out back and have a cigarette while 
we chatted. The rest played like a glorious radio show through 
my telephone as I sat 1500 miles away.

AB
Okay. Now what?

PAMIE
I was saying that I figure I should call her, even though I
know she won't call back.

AB
No. She won't. She never does. OH SHIT!

PAMIE
What's wrong?

AB
Oh, shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

PAMIE
You okay?

AB
Pam? My fish. My fish! Oh, man. My fish! Shit!

PAMIE
What fish?

AB
The fish in my pond. My beautiful fish. My beautiful pond! 
Shit!

PAMIE
I need more words in your sentences.

AB
Dead! All dead!

PAMIE
Your fish are dead?

AB
Yes! They're all dead! Oh, look at them! Every single 
one is dead! Dammit!

PAMIE
How'd that happen? Did the cat kill them?

AB
No, Master V killed the cat. Oh, they're just floating there. 
All of them. Look how dead they are.

PAMIE
What do you think happened?

AB
Well, it's sorta my fault.

PAMIE
Sorta?

AB
Yeah. They need this stuff dumped in the water, but I had 
run out so I just put regular water in there. I didn't know 
it would kill them! I didn't know it would kill them, Pa-am!

(AB is the only person I know who can make my name into two 
syllables. I love it.)

PAMIE
Oh, AB. I'm so sorry. Were they expensive?

AB
About twelve cents each. But you know. I killed the fish!

PAMIE
That's awful. I'm so sorry.

AB
I'm a bad mother.

PAMIE
No, you're not.

AB
I am. I kill fish. I'm so sorry, fish! I didn't know how much 
you needed the special stuff! Oh, this is horrible. They're 
so dead, Pam. I mean, these are some dead fish. That one 
there, my prettiest one, it's the deadest. Oh, what am I going 
to do with all these dead fish?

PAMIE
I'll tell you what you're going to do. You're going to take 
those fish and you're going to put them behind the tires of 
Master V's car and make him think he killed the fish by 
running over them.

(Here is where it was silent for a minute, except for the 
sound of my giggles as I marvelled at how brilliantly funny I was.)

AB
Miss Pam. There is something seriously wrong with you. That is 
sick! You want me to scoop my dead fish and put them behind the 
tires of my husband's car, wake him up and make him drive away 
so I can tell him he killed my fish?

PAMIE
Yeah, isn't it funny?

AB
Pam! It's sick and wrong. You need help. And the worst thing 
is, now I think I just have to go and do that.

PAMIE
Are you serious?

AB
Yeah, why not. It's funny.

PAMIE
I can't believe you're going to do this.

AB
Oh, Pam. He already thinks I'm crazy. What else do I have to lose? 
Okay. So here I am, squatting down in front of my pond with some 
chopsticks and a bowl. Oh, these fish are so dead!

PAMIE
Where's Master V?

AB
He's napping. I hope he doesn't wake up and find me carrying a 
bowl of dead fish through the house. Oh, who'm I kiddin'? He 
wouldn't bat an eye.

PAMIE
I really am sorry about your fish dying. But at least now they've 
died for a reason.

AB
You're still sick in the head.

PAMIE
I know.

AB
Okay, I'm now squatting behind Master V's car. Oh! There are 
four fish, so I'm going to put one behind each wheel. Oh, they're 
so small. You have to see this, Pam. The fish are so small and 
these tires are huge! I wonder if he'll even see the fish?

PAMIE
I wonder how small they'll be after the car runs over them.

AB
I hope he doesn't come out here and see me putting dead fish 
behind his tires like some bad mafia person.

PAMIE
Or your neighbors.

AB
Oh, they already think I'm crazy. They don't let their kids 
play with my daughter.

PAMIE
You can't really blame them.

AB
I KNOW! Okay. Pam? The fish are in position.

PAMIE
Oh, my God.

AB
Okay, I'm gonna go wake up Master V.

PAMIE
I hope he doesn't kill you. I hope he knows this is funny. 
How's his sense of humor after a nap?

AB
Baby! Baby, wake up! I'm hungry. Go get dinner.

MASTER V
(slightly muffled)
How 'bout we order a pizza?

AB
Ooh! Pizza sounds good. Yeah.

PAMIE
No! AB if you order a pizza, then he doesn't have to get in the car.

AB
Right! No, baby, I want something you have to drive to. I want ribs. 
Get up and get me some ribs.

PAMIE
I can't believe you're waking him up.

AB
No, baby, I want it now. Go get dinner. Go out and hunt.

PAMIE
Is he doing it?

AB
Yeah. Pam? My husband loves me.

PAMIE
Yes, he does.

AB
I don't know why I have to be so mean to him all the time. I 
don't know why you're making me do this.

PAMIE
Me?

AB
Ooh! There he is! He's getting in his car. Okay, I wish I could 
take a picture of this, but it's too dark. Okay, he's about to 
back up. OH MY GOD! WAIT! MASTER V! WAIT! OH, MY GOD! LOOK WHAT 
YOU'VE DONE! STOP THE CAR! OH, MY GOD! OH, GOD!

PAMIE
Jesus, you're gonna make the whole neighborhood--

AB
Look what you did!

MASTER V
(slightly muffled)
You scared the hell out of me! What's wrong?

AB
You killed the fish! You killed the fish! They were just napping 
and now you've gone and run over the fish! JUST LIKE YOU KILLED 
SASSY!!!

PAMIE
Is he laughing? Is he laughing?

AB
Baby, you killed the fish.

MASTER V
(slightly muffled)
Did you put dead fish behind my car tires?

AB
They were napping and then you ran them over.

MASTER V
(slightly muffled)
Are these the goldfish from the pond? You put them behind my 
tires so I'd run over them?

AB
Like Sassy.

(Sound of car backing away and leaving.)

PAMIE
Did he laugh?

AB
I'd say no. He just gave me that look. Pam, he thinks I'm a 
crazy drunk woman, that's what he thinks. Oh, man! These fish 
are so squished. You should see this. They were already small, 
but now they're just little fish puddles. Pam! That was so funny!

PAMIE
Maybe later after he's not fresh from his nap, he'll think it's funny.

AB
Maybe. I don't care. That's the funniest thing you've ever done.

PAMIE
I didn't even do it! I would have been like, "You know what funny 
shit I was gonna do? I was gonna put the dead fish behind your tires 
so you'd run over them and then I'd blame you for the fish dying 
instead of me." But you, you go ahead and do it.

AB
Why not? It's funnier than just talkin' about it. Hold on. 
I gotta 'nother call.

PAMIE
I can't believe she made Master V. run over those fish.

AB
Pam? Haaaaaaaaa! That was Master V! The rib place is closed! 
Heeeeee! I told him to just come home. I'm not even hungry; 
I just wanted him to run over the fish.

PAMIE
He's going to hate me. You'll explain to him later why that's 
the funniest thing in the history of funny things?

AB
Pam, I just about gave him a heart attack yelling at him to stop 
the car. Oh, man.

PAMIE
Where are the fish now?

AB
Oh, they're still out there. It's too dark to take pictures. 
I'll do it tomorrow. Oh, man. That was too funny. You are sick 
in the head.

PAMIE
He's never going to think this is funny, is he?

AB
No, probably not. But we know, and that's more important.

PAMIE
Poor Master V.

AB
I know. But that's why he married me.

PAMIE
I suppose he knew what he was getting into.

AB
I killed my fish. I'm a bad mother and a crazy wife.

PAMIE
But we love you very much.

AB
Yeah. I'm pretty funny for a crazy drunk.

 

And this is why I try never to miss my weekly phone call with
AB. If it's not her daughter telling me the difference between
Fashion Polly (the dream of every newly-turned seven-year old) 
and Apartment Molly (the ridiculous absurdity that I thought 
was possibly the name of the doll she wanted), then I'm getting 
to hear the shrieks of Master V slaughtering already dead fish 
on a Texas driveway.

That's when Los Angeles doesn't feel too far away. But far enough 
away that Master V can't come over here and kill me first.

Maybe by now he thinks it's funny.

Maybe.

Hopefully.

Man. Just like he killed Sassy.

http://www.pamie.com/july02/09july02.html (the site, in case you
want to bookmark it)


-----------------

poster: Switchblade
subject: >Just like you killed Sassy.
date: Fri Oct  7 07:49:06 2005

On Wed Oct  5 23:36:57 2005 Inside wrote post #271:
> 
> Maybe.
> 
> Hopefully.
> 
> Man. Just like he killed Sassy.
> 
> http://www.pamie.com/july02/09july02.html (the site, in case you
> want to bookmark it)
> 

That was an utter waste of time

thanks anyway :)

-----------------

poster: Inside
subject: >>Just like you killed Sassy.
date: Fri Oct  7 08:09:19 2005

On Fri Oct  7 07:49:06 2005 Switchblade wrote post #272:
> On Wed Oct  5 23:36:57 2005 Inside wrote post #271:
> > 
> > Maybe.
> > 
> > Hopefully.
> > 
> > Man. Just like he killed Sassy.
> > 
> > http://www.pamie.com/july02/09july02.html (the site, in case you
> > want to bookmark it)
> > 
> 
> That was an utter waste of time
> 
> thanks anyway :)
i'm going to channel maduo for a second.
bleh
your mom.
now i'm going to channel kane.
fuck the drama.
now i'm gonna channel emo.
DONT JUGE ME U ASSHOEL MY WORDS R AN ART FORM FOR THE AGES IAM SORY
IF UR 2 DUM TO UNDARSTADN

-----------------

poster: Henry
subject: A smart little girl
date: Fri Oct  7 19:48:15 2005

A teacher once asked a little girl: "What do you want out of Life?"
The little girl simply replied "Four animals."
Curious, the teacher asked which animals the girl wanted.
The girl replied: "A mink on my back, a jaguar in my garage, a tiger
in bed, and a jackass to pay for it all."

-----------------

poster: Dmitri
subject: NINJA!
date: Fri Oct  7 22:15:15 2005

There was a boy and a girl, (Danny and Ally) around 14 and 15 years old. They were best friends, and were ready to take their friendship to the next level, but too shy to admit it.



*Danny and Ally on phone:*



Danny: hey, so how was your day?



Ally: it was fine, how was yours?



Danny: it was ok



~akward silence~



Danny: sooooo......



Ally: *giggle* sooooo.....



Danny: you doin anything tomorrow?



Ally: nope, why?



Danny: uhh, umm, maybe, uhh, idk, we can, hang out or somethin?



Ally: *blushes* okay, what time?



Danny: *big smile!* uhh, how about around 6:00pm or something?



Ally: Alright! I'll meet you over at the park then...



Danny: great then



Ally: well i gotta go, but i'll see you tomorrow?!



Danny: ok, see u then....



-----next day------



>>>Ally walks over to the park and see's Danny sitting on a bench waiting for her.<<<



Ally: hey, whats up?



Danny: uhh nothin, im happy too see you



Ally: *smiles* me too



Danny: alright, how about we go take a walk



Ally: okay

----------------------------------------------------------------



As they walk she grabs ahold of his hand, Danny *smiles* as they walk through the park.



----starts getting dark----



Ally: brrr, its getting a little cold out



Danny: wanna go sit on the grass



Ally: sure



Danny and Ally: (takes a seat near a tree while Danny holds Ally in his arms keeping her warm)



Ally: thank you, i feel much better now



Danny: me too



Ally: *giggles* why is that?



Danny: cause im with you



Ally: i happy with you too



Danny: uhh, umm, ...nevermind



Ally: no, what is it, you can tell me



Danny: its just....



Ally: yeah?



Danny: i feel different when im with you



Ally: i do too...



Danny: i mean, you make me wanna be with you for the rest of my life, i've never had anyone make me feel the way you make me feel...



Ally: *blushes* i do too



Danny: i, i, love.....



*THWAP*



A ninja jumped out of the sky out of no where and laid danny the hell out.

Danny was gonna say i love u

But Ally's Ex-Boyfriend hired ninja assassins from Kojitsu, Japan to stop other guys from flirting with her

Now Ally has to cry in bed tonight to realize that Danny just got OWNED by a Ninja



NINJA!!!


-----------------

poster: Inside
subject: >NINJA!
date: Fri Oct  7 22:19:00 2005

On Fri Oct  7 22:15:15 2005 Dmitri wrote post #275:
> There was a boy and a girl, (Danny and Ally) around 14 and 15 years old.
They were best friends, and were ready to take their friendship to the next
level, but too shy to admit it.

> 

> *Danny and Ally on phone:*

> 

> Danny: hey, so how was your day?

> 

> Ally: it was fine, how was yours?

> 

> Danny: it was ok

> 

> ~akward silence~

> 

> Danny: sooooo......

> 

> Ally: *giggle* sooooo.....

> 

> Danny: you doin anything tomorrow?

> 

> Ally: nope, why?

> 

> Danny: uhh, umm, maybe, uhh, idk, we can, hang out or somethin?

> 

> Ally: *blushes* okay, what time?

> 

> Danny: *big smile!* uhh, how about around 6:00pm or something?

> 

> Ally: Alright! I'll meet you over at the park then...

> 

> Danny: great then

> 

> Ally: well i gotta go, but i'll see you tomorrow?!

> 

> Danny: ok, see u then....

> 

> -----next day------

> 

> >>>Ally walks over to the park and see's Danny sitting on a bench waiting
for her.<<<

> 

> Ally: hey, whats up?

> 

> Danny: uhh nothin, im happy too see you

> 

> Ally: *smiles* me too

> 

> Danny: alright, how about we go take a walk

> 

> Ally: okay

> ----------------------------------------------------------------

> 

> As they walk she grabs ahold of his hand, Danny *smiles* as they walk
through the park.

> 

> ----starts getting dark----

> 

> Ally: brrr, its getting a little cold out

> 

> Danny: wanna go sit on the grass

> 

> Ally: sure

> 

> Danny and Ally: (takes a seat near a tree while Danny holds Ally in his
arms keeping her warm)

> 

> Ally: thank you, i feel much better now

> 

> Danny: me too

> 

> Ally: *giggles* why is that?

> 

> Danny: cause im with you

> 

> Ally: i happy with you too

> 

> Danny: uhh, umm, ...nevermind

> 

> Ally: no, what is it, you can tell me

> 

> Danny: its just....

> 

> Ally: yeah?

> 

> Danny: i feel different when im with you

> 

> Ally: i do too...

> 

> Danny: i mean, you make me wanna be with you for the rest of my life, i've
never had anyone make me feel the way you make me feel...

> 

> Ally: *blushes* i do too

> 

> Danny: i, i, love.....

> 

> *THWAP*

> 

> A ninja jumped out of the sky out of no where and laid danny the hell out.

> Danny was gonna say i love u

> But Ally's Ex-Boyfriend hired ninja assassins from Kojitsu, Japan to stop
other guys from flirting with her

> Now Ally has to cry in bed tonight to realize that Danny just got OWNED by
a Ninja

> 

> NINJA!!!

best joke ever. a winner is you.
U DONT UNDERSTADN MY EMOSHUNS, ASHOEL. DONT PERSECUTE TEH EMO BECUZ
IT SI JUTS LIEK PERSECUTING TEH GAY PEPUL111

-----------------

poster: Dmitri
subject: >NINJA!
date: Sat Oct  8 01:12:15 2005

uh yeah, as usual i wasnt thinking straight, this really should've gone under junk, but im not going to post it again. so yeah

-Dim Dimtree

-----------------

poster: Mor
subject: >>NINJA!
date: Sun Oct  9 11:48:19 2005

Geeze, I liked to bust a lung. That was the most crack-brained joke
I have ever heard... This week.
 Mor
p.s. Get me the number for the ninjas, I need to get my super replaced

-----------------

poster: Moridin
subject: >>Just like you killed Sassy.
date: Sun Oct  9 16:37:25 2005

On Fri Oct  7 07:49:06 2005 Switchblade wrote post #272:
> > 
> > Man. Just like he killed Sassy.
> > 
> > http://www.pamie.com/july02/09july02.html (the site, in case you
> > want to bookmark it)
> > 
> 
> That was an utter waste of time
> 
> thanks anyway :)
so long and thanks for all the fish?

-----------------

poster: Inside
subject: me being stupid... and it's completely accidental.
date: Sun Oct  9 22:31:50 2005

i'm film_the_dead. the rest should be obvious.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/calvinhobbesurl/32949.html

-----------------

poster: Inside
subject: get fuzzy
date: Mon Oct 10 02:27:41 2005

bucky cat: Why does this guy on Tv keep saying, "Can you hear me now?"

rob: This is a cell phone ad. That's their slogan.

bc: Why? Are their phones so bad [that] no one can ever hear you?

rob: No, they're fine. That's the one I have.

bc: Well, that slogan makes them sound problematic. It ought to be
"Stop yelling into the phone!" or "Do you have a cold? I detect a
slight deviation from the way you usually sound."

rob: How 'bout just "Loud and clear."?

bc: Ooo, that's not bad... I could sell that to them and make a fortune.

rob: I'll call them and pass that along.

bc: Pssh. Good luck getting through. I'll call them myself. Where
are the stamps?


[this is why get fuzzy is worth 2 weeks of stupid comics.]

-----------------

poster: Inside
subject: Are you ready to get nuked?
date: Tue Oct 11 00:03:12 2005

zifnab's fan-based webpage has the following to say:

The Official Zifnab Website!

Hi, this site is all about zifnab, REAL ZIFNAB.  This site is
awesome.    My name is Koma and I can't stop thinking about zifnab. 
This guy is old; and by old, I mean totally ancient.

Facts:

1.    Zifnab is a wizard.
2.    Zifnab naps ALL the time.
3.    The purpose of the Zifnab is to idle and nuke people.


Testimonial:

Zifnab can nuke anyone he wants!  Zifnab ip bans ALL the time and
doesn't even think twice about it.  This guys are so senile and old
that they mumble ALL the time.  I heard that Zifnab was napping at a
retirement village.  And when some whipper-snapper took a peppermint
Zifnab nuked the whole town and ip banned everyone from the funeral.
 My friend Kaos said that he saw Zifnab totally freeze some mortal
just because the mortal misfired a trigger.

And that's what I call REAL Ultimate Power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you don't believe that Zifnab has REAL Ultimate Power you better
get a life right now or he will kick your ass off!!!  It's an easy
choice, if you ask me.  

Zifnab is sooooooooooo old that I want to crap my pants.  I can't
believe it sometimes, but I feel it inside my heart.  This guy is
totally senile and that's a fact.  Zifnab is tired, slow, cranky,
short, bald, and evil.  I can't wait to start building next year.  I
love Zifnab with all of my body (including my tee-pees).


Q and A:.

Q: Why is everyone so obsessed about Zifnab?
A: Zifnab is the ultimate paradox. On the one hand he doesn't give a
crap, but on the other hand, he is very cranky and nutty.

Q: I heard that Zifnab is always cruel or mean.  What's his problem?
A: Whoever told you that is a total liar.  Just like other wizards,
Zifnab can be mean OR totally idle. 

Q: What does Zifnab do when he's not napping or nuking?
A: Most of his free time is spent complaining, but sometimes he
codes.  (Ask Kaos if you don't believe me.)

-----------------

poster: Koma
subject: >Are you ready to get nuked?
date: Tue Oct 11 08:04:57 2005

what the


-----------------

poster: Zifnab
subject: >>Are you ready to get nuked?
date: Tue Oct 11 17:04:35 2005

On Tue Oct 11 08:04:57 2005 Koma wrote post #283:
> what the
> 

I am thinking inside has way too much time on his hands.

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: >>>Are you ready to get nuked?
date: Tue Oct 11 20:54:06 2005

On Tue Oct 11 17:04:35 2005 Zifnab wrote post #284:
> On Tue Oct 11 08:04:57 2005 Koma wrote post #283:
> > what the
> > 
> 
> I am thinking inside has way too much time on his hands.
Also, that they read RealUltimatePower, the website
for ninjas, as that post was based on that website, with
"wizard" instead of "ninja".

-----------------

poster: Daran
subject: >>>Are you ready to get nuked?
date: Wed Oct 12 01:55:03 2005

On Tue Oct 11 17:04:35 2005 Zifnab wrote post #284:
> On Tue Oct 11 08:04:57 2005 Koma wrote post #283:
> > what the
> > 
> 
> I am thinking inside has way too much time on his hands.

It took that post for you to finally come to that conclusion? GEEZ
JOO REALLY ARE AN OLD FOOGIE ZIF!


-----------------

poster: Inside
subject: >>>Are you ready to get nuked?
date: Wed Oct 12 07:24:31 2005

On Tue Oct 11 17:04:35 2005 Zifnab wrote post #284:
> On Tue Oct 11 08:04:57 2005 Koma wrote post #283:
> > what the
> > 
> 
> I am thinking inside has way too much time on his hands.
i must, i build.

-----------------

poster: Kaos
subject: >>>>Are you ready to get nuked?
date: Thu Oct 13 08:58:59 2005

On Tue Oct 11 20:54:06 2005 Tahnval wrote post #285:
> On Tue Oct 11 17:04:35 2005 Zifnab wrote post #284:
> > On Tue Oct 11 08:04:57 2005 Koma wrote post #283:
> > > what the
> > > 
> > 
> > I am thinking inside has way too much time on his hands.
> Also, that they read RealUltimatePower, the website
> for ninjas, as that post was based on that website, with
> "wizard" instead of "ninja".
Oh so that's what he did.

-----------------

poster: Inside
subject: >>>>>Are you ready to get nuked?
date: Fri Oct 14 10:42:25 2005

On Thu Oct 13 08:58:59 2005 Kaos wrote post #289:
> On Tue Oct 11 20:54:06 2005 Tahnval wrote post #285:
> > On Tue Oct 11 17:04:35 2005 Zifnab wrote post #284:
> > > On Tue Oct 11 08:04:57 2005 Koma wrote post #283:
> > > > what the
> > > > 
> > > 
> > > I am thinking inside has way too much time on his hands.
> > Also, that they read RealUltimatePower, the website
> > for ninjas, as that post was based on that website, with
> > "wizard" instead of "ninja".
> Oh so that's what he did.
yea kaos... no need to call mystery inc. :P

-----------------

poster: Parcival
subject: The Flying Spaghetti Monster
date: Fri Oct 14 18:45:00 2005

http://www.venganza.org/index.html

I especially like the current favorite fan letter :-)

-----------------

poster: Inside
subject: >The Flying Spaghetti Monster
date: Fri Oct 14 18:46:00 2005

On Fri Oct 14 18:45:00 2005 Parcival wrote post #291:
> http://www.venganza.org/index.html
> 
> I especially like the current favorite fan letter :-)
you bitch! that's not a joke! IT HAS CHARTS! SERIOUS BUSINESS! DO
NOT MAKE LIGHT OF HIS NOODLY-NESS OF YOU WILL BE SMITTEN WITH A
PLAGUE OF SAUCELESSNESS!

-----------------

poster: Parcival
subject: >>The Flying Spaghetti Monster
date: Fri Oct 14 19:14:01 2005

On Fri Oct 14 18:46:00 2005 Inside wrote post #292:
> On Fri Oct 14 18:45:00 2005 Parcival wrote post #291:
> > http://www.venganza.org/index.html
> > 
> > I especially like the current favorite fan letter :-)
> you bitch! that's not a joke! IT HAS CHARTS! SERIOUS BUSINESS! DO
> NOT MAKE LIGHT OF HIS NOODLY-NESS OF YOU WILL BE SMITTEN WITH A
> PLAGUE OF SAUCELESSNESS!
Of course.  But I can't post on inform.  And the unbelievers 
would nuke me if I put it in General.

Consider it subtle prosletyzation DISGUISED as a joke.

(May you be touched by his noodly appendage!)

-----------------

poster: Communist
subject: disaster at dc
date: Mon Oct 17 07:36:08 2005

A tragic fire this morning destroyed the personal library of
President George W. Bush. The fire began in the presidential
bathroom where the books were kept. Both of his books have been
lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as
he had almost finished coloring the second one.

-----------------

poster: Quillz
subject: >disaster at dc
date: Mon Oct 17 20:45:57 2005

On Mon Oct 17 07:36:08 2005 Communist wrote post #294:
> A tragic fire this morning destroyed the personal library of
> President George W. Bush. The fire began in the presidential
> bathroom where the books were kept. Both of his books have been
> lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as
> he had almost finished coloring the second one.
Last I looked there was still a junk news group. 
Q

-----------------

poster: Inside
subject: a true scam
date: Sun Oct 23 10:57:26 2005

I usually don't send stuff like this, but this one
is a serious threat.  I have checked, and its status
seems to be true!!!

I hate people who forward too many warnings as much
as anyone, but this one is important!  I hope I'm not
too late. Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are
conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your
clothes off and dance around to shake off the ticks, do not
do it!!!    IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.

-----------------

poster: Gabriel
subject: >>Are you ready to get nuked?
date: Tue Oct 25 02:05:04 2005

I think we angered him . . . 
FS: nuke proof suits

-----------------

poster: Lurch
subject: arkansas?
date: Mon Oct 31 08:04:41 2005

Is it bad when you read the list of growing up in arkansas and
you know about half of em are true where you live...
even though you live in Iowa?

-getting really scared, Lurch

-----------------

poster: Monkey
subject: >arkansas?
date: Mon Oct 31 08:05:39 2005

On Mon Oct 31 08:04:41 2005 Lurch wrote post #298:
> Is it bad when you read the list of growing up in arkansas and
> you know about half of em are true where you live...
> even though you live in Iowa?
> 
> -getting really scared, Lurch
that's why only half of them are true

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: Credit card signatures
date: Sun Nov 13 23:13:38 2005

http://www.zug.com/pranks/credit/

-----------------

poster: Amaggot
subject: Chuck Norris
date: Sun Nov 13 23:37:12 2005

http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: Hilarious historians comment on "historical" films.
date: Sun Dec  4 20:58:46 2005

http://www.livejournal.com/users/history_spork/

If you've ever watched a "historical" film and thought it was
inaccurate, this is the site for you.  Or if you know what a 
heap of shit Mel Gibson's films are, visit here to find out that
they're even more inaccurate than you thought.  He'd have to have
the Scots in Braveheart playing on PSPs and listening to ipods while
waiting for a battle in order to make it any more inaccurate.

-----------------

poster: Bluemoon
subject: >Hilarious historians comment on "historical" films.
date: Mon Dec  5 01:38:31 2005

Wow, I must admit, I never knew that half of those films were historical.
Based on has never implied completely accurate, it's called
hollywood taking liberties to sell more tickets.
These guys have entirely too much time on their hands.
This makes me think of ebert and roper when they've given up on
doing actual movie reviews.

-----------------

poster: Alacor
subject: Saddam Hussein
date: Mon Dec  5 01:56:00 2005

My sister is an elementry school teacher, and she gave her students
an assignment requiring them to read a newspaper article and
summarize it. This is one of the papers turned in.
On October 19, a man named Saddam Hussein was being sent to court
for killing people in Iraq. He bombed some cars, and it killed
several people in Iraq. The reason he killed them is because he was
partying.  I think he should not party that much, and that he should
not bomb other cars. Saddam Hussien needs to not drink as much. If
he can do that and not bomb cars he will be a fine fellow.

-----------------

poster: Wagro
subject: Rofl
date: Wed Dec 14 19:51:54 2005

IF WWII WAS FOUGHT BY ONLINE GAMERS.

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got crap to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bull**** u ***s im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bull**** u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in
italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right biznitch im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh **** help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: eisenhower hax hes killing all my ****
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun ****socker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this **** im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: **** now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoylshti!!!111
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all ***s
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o ****!
*paTTon has left the game.*

-----------------

poster: Athena
subject: New Wireless Security System
date: Thu Dec 15 12:45:00 2005

Installing a wireless security system in four easy steps:





       1.  Go to a secondhand store, buy a pair of men's well used work boots, a really big pair, at least a size 13.



       2.  Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of 'Guns and Ammo' magazine.



       3.  Put a dog dish beside it.  A really big dish.



       4. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammo, be back in 1/2 hour. Don't disturb the Pit Bulls, they've just been wormed and are a bit nasty."

-----------------

poster: Tantrum
subject: Hold The Button
date: Thu Dec 15 19:05:49 2005

ok this is uber funny. see how good a score you can get.

www.holdthebutton.com


its super fun

-T

-----------------

poster: Tranquil
subject: >New Wireless Security System
date: Thu Dec 15 23:16:43 2005

On Thu Dec 15 12:45:00 2005 Athena wrote post #306:
> Installing a wireless security system in four easy steps:

> 

> 

>        1.  Go to a secondhand store, buy a pair of men's well used work
boots, a really big pair, at least a size 13.

> 

>        2.  Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of 'Guns and
Ammo' magazine.

> 

>        3.  Put a dog dish beside it.  A really big dish.

> 

>        4. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba,
big Mike and I have gone to get more ammo, be back in 1/2 hour. Don't
disturb the Pit Bulls, they've just been wormed and are a bit nasty."

The note described in step 4 gives this 'security system' away as a
cheap and useless imitation.

Why, I hear you ask?

That's simple. It's a well known fact that people named 'Bubba' can't read.


-----------------

poster: Dorion
subject: >>New Wireless Security System
date: Tue Dec 20 03:18:01 2005

On Thu Dec 15 23:16:43 2005 Tranquil wrote post #308 in jokes:

> On Thu Dec 15 12:45:00 2005 Athena wrote post #306:

> > Installing a wireless security system in four easy steps:

> 

> > 

> 

> > 

> 

> >        1.  Go to a secondhand store, buy a pair of men's well used work

> boots, a really big pair, at least a size 13.

> 

> > 

> 

> >        2.  Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of 'Guns and

> Ammo' magazine.

> 

> > 

> 

> >        3.  Put a dog dish beside it.  A really big dish.

> 

> > 

> 

> >        4. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba,

> big Mike and I have gone to get more ammo, be back in 1/2 hour. Don't

> disturb the Pit Bulls, they've just been wormed and are a bit nasty."

> 

> The note described in step 4 gives this 'security system' away as a

> cheap and useless imitation.

> 

> Why, I hear you ask?

> 

> That's simple. It's a well known fact that people named 'Bubba' can't read.

> 

I have a friend called bubba he can read

You are wrong :)

-----------------

poster: Bluemoon
subject: Plan
date: Thu Dec 22 02:11:49 2005

The Robin Wiliams Solution! 

The Plan! 

You gotta love Robin Williams... Even if he's nuts! Leave it to 
Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is
for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message. 

Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!) 
"I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a
plan for peace. So, here's one plan." 

1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in
their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin,
Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those 'good ole
boys', we will never "interfere" again. 

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting
with Germany,South Korea, the Middle East, and thePhilippines. They
don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one
allowed sneaking through holes in the fence. 

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and
leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder
will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or
where they are. They're illegal! France will welcome them. 

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90
days unless given a special permit! No one from a terrorist nation
will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself
and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We
don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers. 

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the
bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back
home baby. 

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy
wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy
but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan
wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while. 

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel
for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else.  They
can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the
wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.) 

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world,
we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for
seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we
give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it
most get very little, if anything. 

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We
don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the
building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal
aliens. 

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no
one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak
is ENGLISH... learn it... or LEAVE... Now, isn't that a winner of a
plan? 

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your tired, your
poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's
yelling, "you want a piece of me?"   If you agree with the above
forward it to friends...If not, (and I would be amazed) DELETE it!!



-----------------

poster: Inside
subject: >Plan
date: Thu Dec 22 03:54:37 2005

can't delete it.
i tried though :/

-----------------

poster: Inside
subject: >Plan
date: Thu Dec 22 03:58:33 2005

also... most of the people listed there (hitler, tojo, mussolini,
stalin (who was on our side for a while, and afaik we didn't
actually fight much after ww2... we just made threats)) were only
kicked in the face after they attacked us... before they attacked,
we didn't really give a damn. in fact, we actually turned jews away
:)

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >>Plan
date: Thu Dec 22 15:35:17 2005

On Thu Dec 22 03:58:33 2005 Inside wrote post #312:
> also... most of the people listed there (hitler, tojo, mussolini,
> stalin (who was on our side for a while, and afaik we didn't
> actually fight much after ww2... we just made threats)) were only
> kicked in the face after they attacked us... before they attacked,
> we didn't really give a damn. in fact, we actually turned jews away
> :)

ehehe redneck xenophobia is AWESOMELY HILARIOUS!!!!oneone

BUT 1 QUESTION WHERE IS NASCAR IN THIS FIEN PLAN!?!?!?/

p.s. thoughts of patriotic USA benevolent world altruism totally ROCK
unless you're a dead Tutsi, then you're all like WTF JUST HAPPENED LOL?!?!?

-----------------

poster: Jaguar
subject: >>Plan
date: Thu Dec 22 20:43:55 2005

On Thu Dec 22 03:58:33 2005 Inside wrote post #312:
> also... most of the people listed there (hitler, tojo, mussolini,
> stalin (who was on our side for a while, and afaik we didn't
> actually fight much after ww2... we just made threats)) were only
> kicked in the face after they attacked us... before they attacked,
> we didn't really give a damn. in fact, we actually turned jews away
> :)

Futher to this many rich American families provided finance for the
Nazi party, the family of our beloved Mr Bush among them.

-----------------

poster: Xain
subject: bush
date: Wed Dec 28 05:09:47 2005

President Bush was visiting a primary school class; 
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and 
their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like 
to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious 
leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy 
stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is 
playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that 
would be a tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident." 
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children 
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." 
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call 
a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched 
the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a 
tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand... 
In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One, carrying You and Mrs. 
Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, 
that would be a tragedy.
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why 
that would be tragedy?" 
"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly 
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident 
either."

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: Mannequin's leg
date: Thu Jan 12 02:49:31 2006

Someone gets an odd Christmas present - the right leg of a shop
display mannequin.  Just the right leg.

They spend a while pondering it...is there a hidden catch that
opens it up to reveal the real present inside?  Is there some
hidden meaning or obscure joke?

Totally stumped, they ring the person who sent them that present:

"Hi...that leg you sent me...I'm stumped.  What is it?"

"Oh, that's not an important present.  It's just a stocking-filler."

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: A letter of complaint
date: Wed Feb  1 18:58:31 2006

This is allegedly a genuine letter of complaint sent to NTL, a company
so notorious for poor service that there's a thriving website called
NTL Hell.

http://www.geocities.com/antryan2000/ntl.html

I've seen so many versions online that I am inclined to think it's
like Greg Bulmash's famous job application to McDonalds, but I think
it's funny anyway.

-----------------

poster: Flamekrayt
subject: Various
date: Thu Feb  2 15:44:59 2006

the following are links to some vids. (some are funny, some are not.. but all, i deem worth watching)



khosan may like this (cat power!)



http://www.break.com/movies/flyingcat.html



=======================================================



http://www.break.com/movies/goalboom.html

http://www.break.com/movies/luckybuck.html

http://www.break.com/movies/newcellphone.html



=======================================================



ok, these 2 are just extras:



http://www.break.com/movies/sillyputty.html

http://www.break.com/movies/thatway.html (this last one takes some time to load)

-----------------

poster: Flamekrayt
subject: >Various
date: Thu Feb  2 16:23:54 2006

On Thu Feb  2 15:44:59 2006 Flamekrayt wrote post #318 in jokes:

> the following are links to some vids. (some are funny, some are not.. but all, i deem worth watching)



> 



> khosan may like this (cat power!)



> 



> http://www.break.com/movies/flyingcat.html



> 



> =======================================================



> 



> http://www.break.com/movies/goalboom.html



> http://www.break.com/movies/luckybuck.html



> http://www.break.com/movies/newcellphone.html



> 



> =======================================================



> 



> ok, these 2 are just extras:



> 



> http://www.break.com/movies/sillyputty.html



> http://www.break.com/movies/thatway.html (this last one takes some time to load)





=========================================================



just found this one:



http://www.break.com/index/killbilldvd.html

-----------------

poster: Tantrum
subject: greg bumash does it again.
date: Thu Feb  2 23:26:46 2006

A FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THE BED
WAS NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP.  THEN HE SAW AN
ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE BED.  IT WAS
ADDRESSED, "DAD." 

WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE ENVELOPE AND READ THE
LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS:

DEAR DAD:

IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS. I HAD TO
ELOPE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH
MOM AND YOU.

I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE EVEN
WITH ALL HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES.
BUT IT'S NOT ONLY THE PASSION DAD, SHE'S PREGNANT AND BARBARA SAID
THAT WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY TOGETHER 

EVEN THOUGH YOU WON'T CARE FOR HER, AS SHE IS MUCH OLDER THAN I, SHE
ALREADY OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD FOR
THE WHOLE WINTER. SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND
THAT'S NOW ONE OF MY DREAMS TOO.

BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE AND
WE'LL BE GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS
FOR ALL THE COCAINE AND ECSTASY (woo hoo ) WE WANT.   IN THE
MEANTIME, WE'LL PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL FIND A CURE FOR AIDS SO
BARBARA CAN GET BETTER; SHE SURE DESERVES IT!!

DON'T WORRY DAD; I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO VISIT SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR
GRANDCHILDREN 

YOUR SON,

Bill

P.S. DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT THE NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE. I
JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN
MY REPORT CARD.  THAT'S IN MY DESK, CENTER DRAWER. I LOVE YOU!

CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME.

-----------------

poster: Highpriest
subject: Some past memories
date: Sat Feb  4 11:56:08 2006

Not really jokes, but these are some interesting things happened in
the past as I look back...

1) I recall years back in my secondary school ('high school' for you
guys) when we are
needed to construction sentences with a given word or phrase in
semester exams...
The reason is to test our understanding of the word or phrase...
So there was one day, someone did this:

(Some word or phrase given which I can't remember, not important anyway...
we assume it's 'blah' for the example)
My teacher wants me to construct a sentence with the word 'blah'.

The funniest part is that the idiotic marker actually marked him correct...
There was 3 of these questions and each of them is worth 3%.




2) Happened to me in a test recently.. 2 questions in the exam:

Q: What is parameter sweep?
A: To sweep the parameter.

Q: What is a useful function of the analysis setup?
A: Some useful function.


Well, this time I got 0 for these answers =P


3) This was when I asked my mom about the content of an serial
episode, because I wasn't home that day.
She gave me answer like this (M=mom, I = me):

M: That girl was killed..
I: Hrm how was she killed?
M: Dunno...
I: Anything else?
M: That guy secret plan was found out by that guy, so that guy
decided to fire him.


Ok, enough... She basically couldn't recall any of the characters'
name so she just says that girl that guy etc..
I was wondering which girl and guy she was referring to...
And 1 lame thing is that the 'secret plan' only appeared in that episode too,
so I have to wonder what he wanted to do...


Ok, that's some of the lame things that I suddenly recall and feel
like sharing =)

-HP

-----------------

poster: Flamekrayt
subject: >Some past memories
date: Mon Feb  6 01:35:32 2006

On Sat Feb  4 11:56:08 2006 Highpriest wrote post #321 in jokes:

> Not really jokes, but these are some interesting things happened in

> the past as I look back...

> 

> 1) I recall years back in my secondary school ('high school' for you

> guys) when we are

> needed to construction sentences with a given word or phrase in

> semester exams...

> The reason is to test our understanding of the word or phrase...

> So there was one day, someone did this:

> 

> (Some word or phrase given which I can't remember, not important anyway...

> we assume it's 'blah' for the example)

> My teacher wants me to construct a sentence with the word 'blah'.

> 

> The funniest part is that the idiotic marker actually marked him correct...

> There was 3 of these questions and each of them is worth 3%.

> 

> 

> 

> 

> 2) Happened to me in a test recently.. 2 questions in the exam:

> 

> Q: What is parameter sweep?

> A: To sweep the parameter.

> 

> Q: What is a useful function of the analysis setup?

> A: Some useful function.

> 

> 

> Well, this time I got 0 for these answers =P

> 

> 

> 3) This was when I asked my mom about the content of an serial

> episode, because I wasn't home that day.

> She gave me answer like this (M=mom, I = me):

> 

> M: That girl was killed..

> I: Hrm how was she killed?

> M: Dunno...

> I: Anything else?

> M: That guy secret plan was found out by that guy, so that guy

> decided to fire him.

> 

> 

> Ok, enough... She basically couldn't recall any of the characters'

> name so she just says that girl that guy etc..

> I was wondering which girl and guy she was referring to...

> And 1 lame thing is that the 'secret plan' only appeared in that episode too,

> so I have to wonder what he wanted to do...

> 

> 

> Ok, that's some of the lame things that I suddenly recall and feel

> like sharing =)

> 

> -HP



About the sentence, i thought it was 'Teacher wants me to use the word 'blah' to create a sentence.'? We were discussing it that day in class..



About your serial, what's the title? and what day was it?  8Days may have the synopsis.

-----------------

poster: Highpriest
subject: >>Some past memories
date: Mon Feb  6 01:38:29 2006

On Mon Feb  6 01:35:32 2006 Flamekrayt wrote post #322:
> On Sat Feb  4 11:56:08 2006 Highpriest wrote post #321 in jokes:

> > Not really jokes, but these are some interesting things happened in

> > the past as I look back...

> > 

> > 1) I recall years back in my secondary school ('high school' for you

> > guys) when we are

> > needed to construction sentences with a given word or phrase in

> > semester exams...

> > The reason is to test our understanding of the word or phrase...

> > So there was one day, someone did this:

> > 

> > (Some word or phrase given which I can't remember, not important
anyway...

> > we assume it's 'blah' for the example)

> > My teacher wants me to construct a sentence with the word 'blah'.

> > 

> > The funniest part is that the idiotic marker actually marked him
correct...

> > There was 3 of these questions and each of them is worth 3%.

> > 

> > 

> > 

> > 

> > 2) Happened to me in a test recently.. 2 questions in the exam:

> > 

> > Q: What is parameter sweep?

> > A: To sweep the parameter.

> > 

> > Q: What is a useful function of the analysis setup?

> > A: Some useful function.

> > 

> > 

> > Well, this time I got 0 for these answers =P

> > 

> > 

> > 3) This was when I asked my mom about the content of an serial

> > episode, because I wasn't home that day.

> > She gave me answer like this (M=mom, I = me):

> > 

> > M: That girl was killed..

> > I: Hrm how was she killed?

> > M: Dunno...

> > I: Anything else?

> > M: That guy secret plan was found out by that guy, so that guy

> > decided to fire him.

> > 

> > 

> > Ok, enough... She basically couldn't recall any of the characters'

> > name so she just says that girl that guy etc..

> > I was wondering which girl and guy she was referring to...

> > And 1 lame thing is that the 'secret plan' only appeared in that episode
too,

> > so I have to wonder what he wanted to do...

> > 

> > 

> > Ok, that's some of the lame things that I suddenly recall and feel

> > like sharing =)

> > 

> > -HP

> 

> About the sentence, i thought it was 'Teacher wants me to use the word
'blah' to create a sentence.'? We were discussing it that day in class..

> 

> About your serial, what's the title? and what day was it?  8Days may have
the synopsis.
save
Well, I can't figure the exact phrasing of the sentence... The
serial was something years back too LOL

-----------------

poster: Flamekrayt
subject: >>>Some past memories
date: Tue Feb  7 08:01:45 2006

On Mon Feb  6 01:38:29 2006 Highpriest wrote post #323 in jokes:

> On Mon Feb  6 01:35:32 2006 Flamekrayt wrote post #322:

> > On Sat Feb  4 11:56:08 2006 Highpriest wrote post #321 in jokes:



> > > Not really jokes, but these are some interesting things happened in



> > > the past as I look back...



> > > 



> > > 1) I recall years back in my secondary school ('high school' for you



> > > guys) when we are



> > > needed to construction sentences with a given word or phrase in



> > > semester exams...



> > > The reason is to test our understanding of the word or phrase...



> > > So there was one day, someone did this:



> > > 



> > > (Some word or phrase given which I can't remember, not important

> anyway...



> > > we assume it's 'blah' for the example)



> > > My teacher wants me to construct a sentence with the word 'blah'.



> > > 



> > > The funniest part is that the idiotic marker actually marked him

> correct...



> > > There was 3 of these questions and each of them is worth 3%.



> > > 



> > > 



> > > 



> > > 



> > > 2) Happened to me in a test recently.. 2 questions in the exam:



> > > 



> > > Q: What is parameter sweep?



> > > A: To sweep the parameter.



> > > 



> > > Q: What is a useful function of the analysis setup?



> > > A: Some useful function.



> > > 



> > > 



> > > Well, this time I got 0 for these answers =P



> > > 



> > > 



> > > 3) This was when I asked my mom about the content of an serial



> > > episode, because I wasn't home that day.



> > > She gave me answer like this (M=mom, I = me):



> > > 



> > > M: That girl was killed..



> > > I: Hrm how was she killed?



> > > M: Dunno...



> > > I: Anything else?



> > > M: That guy secret plan was found out by that guy, so that guy



> > > decided to fire him.



> > > 



> > > 



> > > Ok, enough... She basically couldn't recall any of the characters'



> > > name so she just says that girl that guy etc..



> > > I was wondering which girl and guy she was referring to...



> > > And 1 lame thing is that the 'secret plan' only appeared in that episode

> too,



> > > so I have to wonder what he wanted to do...



> > > 



> > > 



> > > Ok, that's some of the lame things that I suddenly recall and feel



> > > like sharing =)



> > > 



> > > -HP



> > 



> > About the sentence, i thought it was 'Teacher wants me to use the word

> 'blah' to create a sentence.'? We were discussing it that day in class..



> > 



> > About your serial, what's the title? and what day was it?  8Days may have

> the synopsis.

> save

> Well, I can't figure the exact phrasing of the sentence... The

> serial was something years back too LOL



erm, i have the 8Days from a few years back.. its just.. somewhere in the house..

-----------------

poster: Monkey
subject: >>>>Some past memories
date: Tue Feb  7 08:03:53 2006

ok...wtf
how is this funny?
i fail you
you get a 0

-----------------

poster: Flamekrayt
subject: >>>>>Some past memories
date: Tue Feb  7 14:23:47 2006

On Tue Feb  7 08:03:53 2006 Monkey wrote post #325 in jokes:

> ok...wtf

> how is this funny?

> i fail you

> you get a 0



aww dang! now i must go for a retest!!  argggggg!



===============================================================================



that aside, maybe the joke is too 'local'.. people overseas may not get it..

-----------------

poster: Daran
subject: Ehehehe
date: Tue Feb  7 22:34:46 2006


A guy goes into a store and notices a beautiful woman wave at him
and say hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where
he knows her from, so he replies, "Do you know me?" Her quick
response is, "I think you're the father of one of my children." So
the guy immediately thinks back to the only time he was unfaithful
to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I banged on the pool table while all my buddies watched,
all while your partner whipped me with wet celery and then stuck a
carrot up my ass?" The woman says, "No... I'm your son's math
teacher."


-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: Chuck Norris
date: Thu Feb  9 16:35:09 2006


http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: Koala Tea
date: Mon Feb 20 07:56:59 2006

After obscure tests and visits to erudite specialists, a patient
is diagnosed with an extremely rare and fatal illness.

Fortunately, a cure was recently discovered.  Near the town
of Mercey, in Australia, a wiseman knows an old herbal recipe that
will cure the disease.  It's being studied to find out how it works,
but there isn't much time for this patient.  They'll have to travel to
Mercey and take the old herbal remedy.

They fly to Australia and take a long drive into Mercey, which is in
the middle of nowhere.  The wiseman agrees to heal them and prepares
the cure.  It's made from certain plants, the right kind of dirt and, the
main ingredient, Koala bear dung.  Yuck.

When it's ready, he hands a large mug full of muddy, crappy lukewarm slop
to the patient.  It's full of bits of plants, dirt and koala poo!

Faced with this horrible mess, which smells as bad as it looks, the
patient asks if he can strain the worst of the lumps out.

"No.  The Koala Tea of Mercey is not strained."

-----------------

poster: Tantrum
subject: American State Motto`s
date: Tue Feb 21 06:14:42 2006

State Mottoes

-----------------

poster: Tantrum
subject: hope this one works
date: Tue Feb 21 06:18:11 2006

Alabama:
Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California:
By 30 Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedies Don't Own It Yet.

Delaware:
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia:
We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)

Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes
Sure Are Real Good

Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana:
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine:
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland:
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan:
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana:
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies,& Very Little Else

Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

New Hampshire:
Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey:
You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto RightHere!

New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York:
You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...

North Carolina:
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota:
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio:
At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma:
Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina:
Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee:
The Educashun State

Texas:
Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont:
Yep

Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin:
Come Cut The Cheese


-----------------

poster: Tantrum
subject: guide-lines
date: Tue Feb 21 06:24:01 2006

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup
of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be
almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by
simply peeing in the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for
a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze
button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.

-----------------

poster: Tigran
subject: >hope this one works
date: Thu Feb 23 16:38:34 2006

Not bad, but two states are missing.  One might guess they are too
good for mottos? or in one cae, there just aren't enough people.

-----------------

poster: Fox
subject: FUKITOL! Seriously!
date: Fri Feb 24 07:45:34 2006

http://www.davesdaily.com/pictures/302-fukitol.htm

-----------------

poster: Mordro
subject: The priest and the rabbi
date: Fri Mar 10 11:46:32 2006

A priest and a rabbi were walking down the street when they passed
two 8 yr. old boys. The priest turned the rabbi and said, "Hey,
let's fuck them!"

The rabbi replied, "Out of what?!?"
:)

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: More Foamy!
date: Sat Mar 11 02:10:31 2006

For those of you who like Foamy, there's another website with
more of him:  http://www.drunkensquirrel.net/

-----------------

poster: Lesk
subject: >More Foamy!
date: Mon Mar 13 13:02:16 2006

You rule :D:D been lookin for the older ones for aaaaggeeesss



bring forth the squirrely wrath, and the amityville toaster and the kavorkian scarf of fun



On Sat Mar 11 02:10:31 2006 Tahnval wrote post #336 in jokes:

> For those of you who like Foamy, there's another website with

> more of him:  http://www.drunkensquirrel.net/

-----------------

poster: Dmitri
subject: Answer
date: Mon Apr 17 23:24:56 2006

Bluemoon had an interesting answer to my plan. It's wrong, but it
made me laugh.
Enjoy:
To     : Dmitri
From   : Bluemoon
Date   : Mon Apr 17 21:55:22 2006
Subject: Plan
---------------------------------------
People who have had sex with Zifnab before he got arthritis in his penis?
People who are in your plan
People who can only have 2 shots before they pass out from alcohol poisoning
People who are on a list that does not include Dfalt, Quillz, Ronan,
Daran, Gene
sis, Teego,
Trunks, Arkangyle, Smee, Jimbo the Ent has cure serious at 66% or Athena?
Moonie

-----------------

poster: Mugen
subject: >Answer
date: Tue Apr 18 05:34:45 2006

On Mon Apr 17 23:24:56 2006 Dmitri wrote post #338:
> Bluemoon had an interesting answer to my plan. It's wrong, but it
> made me laugh.
> Enjoy:
> To     : Dmitri
> From   : Bluemoon
> Date   : Mon Apr 17 21:55:22 2006
> Subject: Plan
> ---------------------------------------
> People who have had sex with Zifnab before he got arthritis in his penis?
> People who are in your plan
> People who can only have 2 shots before they pass out from alcohol poisoning
> People who are on a list that does not include Dfalt, Quillz, Ronan,
> Daran, Gene
> sis, Teego,
> Trunks, Arkangyle, Smee, Jimbo the Ent has cure serious at 66% or Athena?
> Moonie
I vote for number 3.

-----------------

poster: Genesis
subject: My Living Will
date: Fri Apr 21 20:53:40 2006

The Living Will...



Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."



She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.





Bitch................


-----------------

poster: Wildchild
subject: Official Government Announcement
date: Wed Apr 26 20:52:54 2006

The US government today announced that it is changing its emblem
from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the
government's political stance.

`A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next
generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of
security while you're actually being screwed.



-----------------

poster: Monkey
subject: >Official Government Announcement
date: Thu Apr 27 01:59:44 2006

Get a life.
kthx
love, dubya

-----------------

poster: Nocolis
subject: History Of Mayo
date: Wed May  3 07:32:40 2006

The History of Mayonaisse

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled
for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call
for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever
delivered to Mexico.

But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.

The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly
awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of
Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known,
of course, as



Sinko de Mayo.

-----------------

poster: Soulleech
subject: >History Of Mayo
date: Sun May  7 04:03:52 2006

To think, the Mexicans have been mispelling their holiday all this time :'(

-----------------

poster: bahgtru
subject: Donkey
date: Tue May 23 16:59:58 2006

What do you call a donkey with one leg? 

A wonky donkey. 

  

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye? 

A winky wonky donkey. 

  

What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg and one eye? 

A dinky winky wonky donkey. 

  

What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye that’s makin’ love? 

A bonky dinky winky wonky donkey. 

  

What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye, makin’ love while farting? 

A stinky bonky dinky winky wonky donkey. 

  

What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye, makin’ love, farting and wearing blue suede shoes? 

A honky tonky stinky bonky dinky winky wonky donkey. 

  

What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye, makin’ love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano? 

A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky dinky winky wonky donkey. 

  

What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye, makin’ love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a bus? 

Fuckin’ talented!

-----------------

poster: Phil
subject: >Donkey
date: Wed May 24 18:34:17 2006

On Tue May 23 16:59:58 2006 bahgtru wrote post #345 in jokes:

> What do you call a donkey with one leg? 

> 

> A wonky donkey. 

> 

>   

> 

> What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye? 

> 

> A winky wonky donkey. 

> 

>   

> 

> What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg and one eye? 

> 

> A dinky winky wonky donkey. 

> 

>   

> 

> What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye that’s makin’ love? 

> 

> A bonky dinky winky wonky donkey. 

> 

>   

> 

> What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye, makin’ love while farting? 

> 

> A stinky bonky dinky winky wonky donkey. 

> 

>   

> 

> What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye, makin’ love, farting and wearing blue suede shoes? 

> 

> A honky tonky stinky bonky dinky winky wonky donkey. 

> 

>   

> 

> What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye, makin’ love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano? 

> 

> A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky dinky winky wonky donkey. 

> 

>   

> 

> What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye, makin’ love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a bus? 

> 

> Fuckin’ talented!





thats awesome 

-----------------

poster: Tranquil
subject: Department of Technical Support
date: Sat May 27 18:26:33 2006

*Tech support:  What kind of computer do you have?*

    *Female customer:  A white one...*

 

    *   ===============*

 

    *Customer:  Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.*

    *Tech support:  Have you tried pushing the button?*

    *Customer:  Yes, sure, it's really stuck.*

    *Tech support:  That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.*

    *Customer:  No . wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's

    still on my desk... sorry....*

 

    *    ===============*

 

    *Tech support:  Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of

    the screen.*

    *Customer:  Your left or my left?*

 

    *    ==== ===========*

 

    *Tech support:  Good day. How may I help you?*

    *Male customer:  Hlo... I can't print.*

    *Tech support:  Would you click on "start"  for me and...*

    *Customer:  Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not

    Bill Gates, dammit!*

 

    *    ===============*

 

    *Customer:  Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every

    time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.  I've even lifted the

    printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer

    still says he can't find it...*

 

    *    ===============*

 

 

    *Customer:  I have problems printing in red...*

    *Tech support:  Do you have a color printer?*

    *Customer:  Aaaah....................thank you.*

 

    *    ===============*

 

    *Tech support:  What's on your monitor now, ma'am?*

    *Customer:  A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.*

 

    *    ===============*

 

    *Customer:  My keyboard is not working anymore.*

    *Tech support:  Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?*

    *Customer:  No. I can't get behind the computer.*

    *Tech support:  Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.*

    *Customer:bsp; OK*

    *Tech support:  Did the keyboard come with you?*

    *Customer:  Yes*


    *Tech support:  That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there

    another keyboard?*

    *Customer:  Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...*

 

    *    ===============*

 

    *Tech support:  Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a

    capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.*

    *Customer:  Is that 7 in capital letters?*

 

    *    ===============*

 

    *Customer:  I can't get on the Internet.*

    *Tech support:  Are you sure you used the right password?*

    *Customer:  Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.*

    *Tech support:  Can you tell me what the password was?*

    *Custom er:  Five stars.*

 

    *    ==! ======== =====*

 

    *Tech support:  What anti-virus program do you use?*

    *Customer:  Netscape.*

    *Tech support:nsp; That's not an anti-virus program.*

    *Customer:  Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.*

 

    *    ===============*

 

    *Customer:   I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen

    saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.*

 

    *    ===============*

 

    *Tech support:  How may I help you?*

    *Customer:  I'm writing my first e-mail.*

    *Tech support:  OK,  and what seems to be the problem?*

    *Customer:  Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I

    get the circle around it?*

 

    *    ===============*

 

    *A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her

    printer.*

    *Tech support:  Are you running it under windows?*

    *Customer:  "No, my desk i s next to the door, but that is a good

    point.  The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window,

    and his printer is working fine."BR*

    *    ===============*

 

    *And last but not least...*

 

    *Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at

    the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the

    screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."*

    *Customer:  I don't have a P.*

    *Tech support:  On your keyboard, Bob.*

    *Customer:  What do you mean?*

    *Tech support:  "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.*

 

    *Customer:  I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!*

-----------------

poster: Daran
subject: Enjoy this short one
date: Sat Jun 10 04:30:00 2006


A guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a
headache."

His girlfriend, who's lying in bed, replies, "I think you'll find
that's a sheep dickhead."

The guy fires back, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."


-----------------

poster: Ronan
subject: Brokeback Spiders
date: Sat Jun 10 09:07:40 2006

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his
eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such
innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to
see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was 
looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked
"They're mating," her father replied
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he
replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment....then 
took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not
having any of;that gay shit in our garden."

-----------------

poster: Ronan
subject: Lipstick in School
date: Thu Jul 20 19:38:01 2006

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and
would put it on in the bathroom.  That was fine, but after they put
on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving
dozens of little lip prints.  Every night the maintenance man would
remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done.  She
called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man.  She explained that all these lip prints were
causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the
mirrors every night.  To demonstrate how difficult it had been to
clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show  the girls
how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it.  Since then, there have been no lip
prints on the mirror. 

-----------------

poster: Ronan
subject: Koala and Lizard
date: Mon Jul 31 02:33:41 2006

A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint 

when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, 

"Hey Koala ! What are you doing?" 

The koala says: 

"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they
have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is
'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little
lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the
river. 

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps
him to the side, 
then asks the little lizard: 

"What's the matter with you?" 

The little lizard explains to the crocodile 
that he was sitting smoking a joint 
with the koala in the tree, 
got too stoned and then fell into the river 
while taking a drink. 

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, 
finds the tree where the koala is sitting 
finishing a joint, and he looks up and says 
"Hey you!" 



So the koala looks down at him and says: 

"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude .. how much
water did you drink?!!"

-----------------

poster: Athena
subject: News alert from Ananova.com!!
date: Fri Aug  4 13:24:27 2006

Deckchair trapped testicles 



A Croatian man got a nasty surprise when he tried to get out of his deck chair and found his testicles had got stuck.



Mario Visnjic had gone swimming naked in the sea at the Valalta beach in western Croatia, reports 24sata.



His testicles had shrunk while in the cool sea and slipped through the wooden slats when he sat back down on his wooden deckchair.



But as he lay in the sun they expanded back to normal size and got stuck between the slats.



He was eventually freed after he called beach maintenance services on his mobile phone and they sent a member of staff to cut the deck chair in half.




-----------------

poster: Vor
subject: why asian guys can't get white girls
date: Mon Aug  7 04:44:37 2006

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63bWYFGBTuE

-----------------

poster: Lokie
subject: Stupid cat!
date: Tue Aug  8 21:00:58 2006

FROM THE DOG ABOUT THE CAT

To: Master of the house

From: Dog

Subject: Cat

Master: 
The cat is despicable. She doesn't do any tricks and never comes
when you call and I've been there and I know she can hear you. We
need to face facts: It is time to get rid of the cat.
Before the cat's arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit
and stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and
drooling.
You would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I
leave the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would
slip me food under the table. Now, though, the cat is allowed to
jump on the table--actually physically walk on the table! You don't
yell at the cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor,
and I know you don't see it but she always gives me a haughty look
as she walks past me.
And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the
gritty pellets of meat by-products you bring home in the giant bags,
right? Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I
find out that the cat is being served lobster and salmon and
crab--and she never consumes all of it!This means there are little
containers of delectable snacks lying around and how can I be blamed
for making sure they get eaten?
Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the pets,
isn't that what is important?
Then there is play time. I think we can clearly see that I am a big
dog, descended from a noble line of hunters accustomed to chasing
prey and attacking it. Haven't I nearly managed to take down a few
cars as they've driven past the house? The cat is about the size of
a squirrel and in my view should behave like one, but when I attempt
to chase her, she hunches up and spits at me! This cannot be
sanitary. And shouldn't she be declawed?
 I'm very concerned about the potential for damage to the furniture
plus my nose
Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the
bathroom in the house? And not in the drinking basins like you do,
but in a sandbox in the basement. What are we going to say if some
woman brings her baby over to play in the sandbox and the cat has
been using it as a toilet? I used to police the thing for you, but
you put it up out of my reach for some reason.
I'm not the only one who feels the cat is an evil person. Here is a
note from the hamster:

To: Master of the house

From: Hamster

Subject: Cat 
Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work.

Signed, Hamster, Department of Rodent Wheels 
I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently it believes
that everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality
TV show.
I don't understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and I'm not.
I am far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds
unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis. And why doesn't she
ever get a bath? She smells like saliva from licking her paws--you'd
never catch me licking such ridiculous places.
I often smell wonderful from rolling in road kill, yet you give me
baths all the time!
And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I will be taking a nap and
she'll come right up and lie down beside me. Usually I'm too tired
to do anything about it, but then later the other dogs smell her on
me and crack a lot of jokes at my expense.
So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the family to
complete ruin. I'm sorry I've got to be the one to bring it to your
attention, but now that I have I think we can all agree that we
should go back to the way it was, when I was the number-one pet.

Yours truly, The Dog 

-----------------

poster: Korthrun
subject: >Stupid cat!
date: Wed Aug  9 09:30:07 2006

You forgot the punchline.

-----------------

poster: Monkey
subject: >>Stupid cat!
date: Thu Aug 10 01:08:54 2006

On Wed Aug  9 09:30:07 2006 Korthrun wrote post #355:
> You forgot the punchline.
*You punch Korthrun in the FAEC.
(i got it for you, lokie)

-----------------

poster: Daran
subject: Car Accident
date: Thu Aug 10 23:47:17 2006


 A guy gets called to the hospital and he is told his wife has been in a
 terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital and finds the doctor.

    "Doc, what's happened to my wife? How is she?"
         "Not good news sir. Your wife's accident has resulted in two
          fractures to her spine."
    "Oh my god. What will be her prognosis be?"
         "Well, she will mostly like be paralized for the rest of her 
          life. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means
          you'll have to do a lot of things for her, including feeding."

 The guy begings to cry as the doctor continues.

         "She'll be bed ridden and you'll have to turn her in bed every
          two hours to prevent pneumonia and bed sores."

 The guy begins to sob loudly as the doctor contonues on some more.

         "Then, of course, you'll have to diaper her, as she'll have no
          control over her bladder. She'll need to be changed at least
          five times a day."

 The guy begins to shake as he cries and wails.

         "You'll also have to clean up her feces on a regular basis, as
          she'll have no control over her sphincter either. Her bowels
          will engorge quite often, I'm afraid, and you must clean her
          immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll
          be emitting regularly."

 The guy begins sobbing uncontrollably and begins to wither to the floor.
 Just then the doctor reaches out to the guy, pats him on the shoulder
 and says,

         "Sir, I'm just fucking with you. Your wife is dead."

-----------------

poster: Genesis
subject: For I am a Princess
date: Fri Aug 11 02:56:19 2006

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. 

 

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." 

 

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather exotic looking woman that hadn't moved a muscle.  "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy poo, so the main man can pity-pat us down on the ground." 

 

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." 

 

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.  Tray Up, Bitch." 

-----------------

poster: Chemosh
subject: UK toilet paper
date: Thu Aug 24 20:13:38 2006


You will appreciate this if you have an english sense of humor: 

http://www.alittlebitrude.co.uk/



chemosh


-----------------

poster: Krankok
subject: great joke
date: Fri Aug 25 14:06:18 2006

inside is cool
that is all

-----------------

poster: Lokie
subject: Bic
date: Sun Sep  3 08:49:11 2006

Olaf & Sven were fishing one day when Sven  pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he  asked Olaf for a light. "Ya, shure, I
tink I haff a lighter," he replied Then reaching into his tackle
box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long. "Yiminy Cricket!"
exclaimed Sven, taking the huge  Bic Lighter in his hands. "Vere dit
yew git dat  monster??"  "Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from my
Genie."  "You haff a Genie" Sven asked. "Ya, shure. It's right here
in my tackle pox,"says Olaf
"Could I see him?"  Olaf opens his tackle box & sure enough, out
pops  the Genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm  a
good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun  vish?" "Yes, I
will," says the Genie . So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting
there, waiting for his million  bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens & is
filled with the sound  of a million ducks...flying overhead. Over
the roar of the million ducks
Sven yells at  Olaf. "Yumpin' Yimminy I asked for a million bucks, 
not a million ducks!"  Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat
DA  Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a
10-inch Bic?"

-----------------

poster: Lokie
subject: stutter
date: Mon Sep  4 08:31:37 2006

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade  students. "Human
beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl
raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who  stuttered", she
volunteered.The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories
could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she 
began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who 
lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the
little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff,  Fffff, Fffff'... and before he
could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate  him!"

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: White and Nerdy
date: Thu Sep 21 17:41:19 2006

If you guys haven't seen this video, go to youtube and check it out:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xEzGIuY7kw

Weird Al's finest work, in my opinion...

Without further ado, here are the lyrics (sheer genius):

White & Nerdy, Weird Al Yankovic (To the Tune of "Ridin' Dirty")

They see me mowiní 
My front lawn 
I know theyíre all thinking Iím so white and nerdy 
Think Iím just too white and nerdy 
Think Iím just too white and nerdy 
Canít you see Iím white and nerdy? 
Look at me, Iím white and nerdy 
I wanna roll with 
The gangstas 
But so far they all think Iím too white and nerdy 
Think Iím just too white and nerdy 
Think Iím just too white and nerdy 
Iím just too white and nerdy. 
Really really white and nerdy. 

First in my class here at MIT 
Got skills, Iím a champion at D&D 
MC Escher - thatís my favorite MC 
Keep your 40, Iíll just have an Earl Grey tea 
My rims never spin, to the contrary 
Youíll find that theyíre quite stationary 
All of my action figures are cherry 
Steven Hawkingís in my library 
My MySpace page is all totally pimped out 
Got people begginí for my top eight spaces 
Yo, I know pi to a thousand places 
Ainít got no grills but I still wear braces 
I order all of my sandwiches with mayonnaise 
Iím a whiz at Minesweeper - I could play for days 
Once you see my sweet moves youíre gonna stay amazed 
My fingersí moviní so fast Iíll set the place ablaze 
Thereís no killer app I havenít run 
At Pascal, well Iím number one 
Do vector calculus just for fun 
I ainít got a gat but I got a soldering gun 
Happy Days is my favorite theme song 
I could sure kick your butt in a game of ping pong 
Iíll ace any trivia quiz you bring on 
Iím fluent in JavaScript as well as Klingon 

They see me roll on 
My Segway 
I know in my heart they think Iím white and nerdy 
Think Iím just too white and nerdy 
Think Iím just too white and nerdy 
Canít you see Iím white and nerdy 
Look at me, Iím white and nerdy 
Iíd like to roll with 
The gangstas 
Although itís apparent Iím too white and nerdy 
Think Iím just too white and nerdy 
Think Iím just too white and nerdy 
Iím just too white and nerdy 
Howíd I get so white and nerdy 

Iíve been browsiní, inspectiní 
X-Men comics, you know I collect Ďem 
The pens in my pocket, I must protect Ďem 
My ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored 
Shopping online for deals on some writable media 
I edit Wikipedia 
I memorized Holy Grail really well 
I can recite it right now and have you ROTFLOL 
I got a business doing websites 
When my friends need some code, who do they call? 
I do HTML for Ďem all 
Even made a homepage for my dog 
Yo, I got myself a fanny pack 
They were haviní a sale down at The Gap 
Spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap 
Pop, pop, hope no one sees me 
Gettiní freaky 
Iím nerdy in the extreme 
And whiter than sour cream 
I was in AV Club and Glee Club and even the Chess Team 
Only question I 
Ever thought was hard 
Was do I like Kirk 
Or do I like Picard 
Spend every weekend at the Renaissance Fair 
Got my name on my underwear 

They see me strolliní 
They laughiní 
And rolliní their eyes Ďcause Iím so white and nerdy 
Just because Iím white and nerdy 
Just because Iím white and nerdy 
All because Iím white and nerdy 
Holy cow, Iím white and nerdy 
I wanna bowl with 
The gangstas 
But, oh well, itís obvious Iím white and nerdy 
Think Iím just too white and nerdy 
Think Iím just too white and nerdy 
Iím just too white and nerdy 
Look at me, Iím white and nerdy

-----------------

poster: Athena
subject: Something for the men of the mud to enjoy :P
date: Wed Oct 18 13:16:23 2006

An Austrian workman who slipped while working on a house nailed his own testicle to the roof with a nail gun.



August Voegl, 59, from Jennersdorf, shot the four-inch nail into his left testicle with the compressed air nail gun.



He was unable to extract it or pull himself away from the roof.



Emergency medics were called in to separate the man from the roof after which he was airlifted to a nearby hospital where he is reportedly recovering well after surgery.



Oooooooooo bet that made ya squirm :P



Love ya!!


-----------------

poster: Fox
subject: What a {BRILLIANT} country we live in.. .. ..
date: Wed Oct 25 19:19:06 2006

Only in america... a pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.

Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we
didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy
people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America... do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.

Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.

Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures.'

Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Only in America... can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard
box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

*****

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

*****

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed
through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer goods:

1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".
[Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair]

2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside".
[Evidently, the shoplifter special]

3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
[And that would be how...?]

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost."
[But it's *just* a suggestion]

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not
turn upside down".
[Oops, too late, you lose!!]

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
[Let's test this theory]

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body".
[But wouldn't this save even more time?]

8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or
operate machinery after taking this medication."
[We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if
we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those
forklifts.]

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness".
[One would hope]

10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".
[As opposed to what?]

11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use".
[I gotta admit, I'm curious].

12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts".
[NEWS FLASH]

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open
packet, eat nuts."
[Step 3: Fly Delta]

14. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly".
[I don't blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!]

15. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your
hands or genitals".
[Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?]

-----------------

poster: Apathy
subject: >What a {BRILLIANT} country we live in.. .. ..
date: Thu Oct 26 02:50:08 2006

> Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
> process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
> 'bloodsucking creatures.'

FYI, the poly- prefix is Greek, not Latin.

-----------------

poster: Vor
subject: >>What a {BRILLIANT} country we live in.. .. ..
date: Thu Oct 26 04:37:54 2006

also, ticks are the creatures. tics are muscle spasms.

-----------------

poster: Fox
subject: >>>What a {BRILLIANT} country we live in.. .. ..
date: Thu Oct 26 06:34:26 2006

On Thu Oct 26 04:37:54 2006 Vor wrote post #367:
> also, ticks are the creatures. tics are muscle spasms.
I apologize, this wasn't from me, it was from a friend, i just
copied and pasted it. Really, thanks for the correction...

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >>>>What a {BRILLIANT} country we live in.. .. ..
date: Thu Oct 26 15:06:55 2006

On Thu Oct 26 06:34:26 2006 Fox wrote post #368:
> On Thu Oct 26 04:37:54 2006 Vor wrote post #367:
> > also, ticks are the creatures. tics are muscle spasms.
> I apologize, this wasn't from me, it was from a friend, i just
> copied and pasted it. Really, thanks for the correction...
poor dead joke ;_;

-----------------

poster: Maduo
subject: >>>>>What a {BRILLIANT} country we live in.. .. ..
date: Fri Oct 27 07:21:29 2006

On Thu Oct 26 15:06:55 2006 Uno wrote post #369:
> On Thu Oct 26 06:34:26 2006 Fox wrote post #368:
> > On Thu Oct 26 04:37:54 2006 Vor wrote post #367:
> > > also, ticks are the creatures. tics are muscle spasms.
> > I apologize, this wasn't from me, it was from a friend, i just
> > copied and pasted it. Really, thanks for the correction...
> poor dead joke ;_;
i dunno, i thought it was kinda punny...