-----------------
poster: Javier
subject: Cnn
date: Wed Apr 24 04:53:15 2002
Real CNN headline: Bush, Gore spar over Environment
Personal interpretation of this:
Bush: "We must work to destroy the Environmental Axis of EVIL!"
Gore: "Uh...I invented the Environment"
Javier
-----------------
poster: Athena
subject: For Dog Owners Everywhere.
date: Sat Apr 27 15:00:29 2002
Dog Pet Peeves About Humans
1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg
humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me..not funny.
3. Yelling at me for barking..I'M A FRIGGING DOG YOU IDIOT!
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all
over everything while you're gone..{Have you noticed
that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?}
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff
out. Exaclty who's walk is this anyway?
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose..stop it.
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd
you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guest. Sorry
but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet..idiot.
9. How you act disgusted when i lick myself. Look, we both
know the truth, you're just jealous.
10.Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?
11.Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know
why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
12.When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize
who far behind schedule that puts me?
13.Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised
when i freak out every time we go back.
14.The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. YOu fooled a dog!
What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.
15.Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?
To my knowledge, dogdom hadn't yet solved the visible fence
problem!!
-----------------
poster: Spiraldancer
subject: Cool Website
date: Mon Apr 29 21:17:17 2002
http://age-of-conflict.ath.cx/whatwrong.swf
You have to stare at the picture and the volume must be up some.
Keep looking and you will see it.
-Spiralbanter
-----------------
poster: Prophet
subject: Joke, obviously
date: Wed May 1 00:27:18 2002
http://www.cwru.edu/affil/ansmet/0001/joke.gif
-----------------
poster: Nyx
subject: >For Dog Owners Everywhere.
date: Wed May 1 00:56:31 2002
On Sat Apr 27 15:00:29 2002 Athena wrote post #2:
> Dog Pet Peeves About Humans
>
>
> 1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg
> humping.
> 2. Blaming your farts on me..not funny.
> 3. Yelling at me for barking..I'M A FRIGGING DOG YOU IDIOT!
> 4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all
> over everything while you're gone..{Have you noticed
> that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?}
> 5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff
> out. Exaclty who's walk is this anyway?
> 6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose..stop it.
> 7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd
> you buy carpet?
> 8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guest. Sorry
> but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet..idiot.
> 9. How you act disgusted when i lick myself. Look, we both
> know the truth, you're just jealous.
> 10.Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?
> 11.Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know
> why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
> 12.When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize
> who far behind schedule that puts me?
> 13.Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised
> when i freak out every time we go back.
> 14.The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. YOu fooled a dog!
> What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.
> 15.Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?
> To my knowledge, dogdom hadn't yet solved the visible fence
> problem!!
>
OMG! That was hilarious! Or I am just sleep deprived.
Nyx
-----------------
poster: Ant
subject: Great thruths
date: Fri May 3 09:04:35 2002
Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned:
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
Great Truths About Life That Adults Have Learned:
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.
-----------------
poster: Marvin
subject: DO YOU WANT TO MAKE MORE MONEY???
date: Sun May 5 16:06:52 2002
DO YOU WANT TO MAKE MORE MONEY? Have you ever dreamed about working
from the comfort of your own home? Do you wish you could be your own
boss, working as much or as little as you like?
I know I've had these thoughts, but that kind of success
always seemed out of my reach. After all, what chance do I have of
striking it rich? I'm almost 40 with NO SKILLS, NO COLLEGE
EDUCATION, and NO CREDIT. Well, that's precisely why I developed the
Instant Money Invention Plan. It changed my life... in an instant!
From the very first day, I was able to tell my friends and neighbors
that I made $80,000 a year working from home! It was SO EASY! I
needed NO SPECIAL TRAINING, and there were NO STARTUP COSTS.
With the Instant Money Invention Plan, you, too, can tell
people that you've achieved financial independence without even
breaking a sweat. DO NOT miss out on this amazing opportunity!
To get you started right away, call for our special
informational packet. You'll learn everything you need to know to
convince people you are making more money than you've ever dreamed
possible. Soon, you'll be saying, "It was so easy!" and "It only
took a few minutes a day!" and "Finally, I have the home and car
I've always wanted!"
How does it work, you ask? It's simple! All you have to do is
make up a story about your AMAZING FINANCIAL SUCCESS. Soon, everyone
you know will hear how you made $7,000 in your first month!
Do you own a computer? Do you know the location of a gas
station with a copy machine? If the answer to either question is
yes, you can send letters to thousands of people you don't know and
tell them YOU ARE MAKING YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE! What are you waiting
for?
Wouldn't you like to see your picture in newspapers and
magazine ads? Could you imagine seeing your glowing recommendation
for the Instant Money Invention Plan in a mass e-mail originating
from an untraceable location? Everyone will hear about the fortune
you claim you made!
Why slave away at a job, barely eking out a living, when you
could have any salary you dream of? How much money do you want to
say you make? $25,000? $250,000? $1 MILLION? How about $500
KAZILLION? THE SKY'S THE LIMIT! If you can say the number, you can
tell people that's how much money you make!
Best of all, you will pay NO TAXES. And, because you are not
taking in any money, this plan is 100% legal. The Instant Money
Invention Plan may not be ethical, but it is TOTALLY LEGAL!
This is NOT a multi-level marketing scam. It is not one of
those make-money-at-home schemes that don't work. You will not be
selling term life insurance. You will not be selling a bunch of
worthless products nobody wants. With the amazing Instant Money
Invention Plan, you will not be selling ANYTHING. All you will be
doing is lying. That's all!
Thousands of Americans receive tax-free money from the
government for education, new businesses, and so on. But the problem
with these money-making schemes is YOU DON'T QUALIFY. You would have
to actually go to school or start a business to get a piece of that
pie. But can you lie? YES, YOU CAN! You've done it a million times
in your life, to a million peopleyour ex-wife, your parents, the
departmental supervisor at your former job. With the Instant Money
Invention Plan, all you have to do is lie about something else...
your salary!
Wouldn't it be great to work from the comfort of your own
living-room couch, sitting back and watching the money roll in? Of
course it would. Unfortunately, there's no such thing. But I'm not
talking about some get-rich-quick scheme. I am talking about FOOLING
PEOPLE into THINKING you've gotten rich quick.
Wouldn't you like to call up that pretty girl you've had your
eye on and say, "Let's go on a luxury Caribbean vacation next month,
my treat"? As long as the date for the cruise is far enough in the
future, you've got no problems. Why? Because THE FUTURE IS WIDE
OPEN. After all, no one can call you a liar and confront you about
something that hasn't happened yet.
What do you want? A beach house? A new sports car? Your own
private jet? It could all be yours in the future! It's up to YOU to
start talking about it TODAY!
-----------------
poster: Snotgreen
subject: Wal-Mart Bait
date: Mon May 6 08:13:36 2002
A lady goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her hubbie. She
doesn't know which one to get, so walks over to the register. A
wal-mart associate is standing there with sunglasses on. she says,
"Excuse me sir ... can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you'll drop it on the
counter I can tell you about it."
she didn't believe, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said,
"That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 220 reel and a 10-lb test
line ... It's a good all-around rod and reel, and it's $20.
she says, It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound
of it dropping on the counter, I think it's what I'm looking for, so
I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register. She bends down to get
her purse and farts. At first, she's embarrassed but then realizes
that there's no way he would know it was her because being blind, he
woudln't know she was the only person there.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3,
and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. Thank you for shopping
Wal-Mart."
-----------------
poster: Magneto
subject: hehe
date: Wed May 8 07:28:02 2002
Know-It-All
One morning an exchange student from Japan joins a high school.
After introducing Suzuki to the class, the teacher says, Let s
begin by reviewing some American history. Who said Give me
liberty, or give me death ? Only Suzuki raises his hand.
Yes, Suzuki ? asks the teacher.
Patrick Henry, 1775 , he answers.
Class, you should be ashamed , snaps the teacher. Suzuki is new
to our country and knows more about it than you do .
Screw the Japs , whispers a student.
Who said that ? snaps the teacher.
Suzuki raises his hand, eyes the room, and says, Lee Iacocca, 1982 .
A student in the back quips, I think I m gonna puke .
Who said that ? yells the teacher.
George Bush, 1991 , Suzuki yelps.
Oh, yeah? Suck this ! shouts a frustrated student.
Suzuki stands up and declares, Bill Clinton, 1997 !
Another student screams, You little shit. If you say one more
word, I swear I ll kill you !
Suzuki jumps on the chair and yells, Gary Condit, 2001 !
-----------------
poster: Tantrum
subject: scary children
date: Thu May 9 09:20:40 2002
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.ft. house
4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with
rollerblades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint
on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few time
before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already
too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Leggos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year
old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12 .Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jelly
15. VCR's do not eject Peanut Butter & Jam sandwiches even though TV
commercials show
they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not
like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.
-----------------
poster: Tantrum
subject: DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING!
date: Thu May 9 09:22:13 2002
(This has been printed out and is to pasted on our front door)
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her,
so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you
cannot keep your
eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys
of your age
to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this
issue, so
I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten
sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your
clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my
daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers
securely in
place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you.
Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I
will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to
know each other,we should talk about sports, politics, and other
issues of the
day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my
house, and
the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to
date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her
cry, I will
make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to
be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on
her makeup, a process than can take longer than
painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you
do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding
hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to
introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts,
or anything
other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka-zipped up to
her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which
features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are
better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am
the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the
whole truth
and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind
the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to
mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy
near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head
frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter
home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both
hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice
that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your
car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at
the window
is mine.
-----------------
poster: Tantrum
subject: Nerds rock.
date: Thu May 9 09:23:04 2002
Worthwhile reading for anyone. Love him or hate him, he sure hits
the nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, or
anyone who has ever been a kid, here's some advice Bill Gates recently
dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they did not and will
not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct
teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality
and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
> Rule 1:
> Life is not fair - get used to it.
>
> Rule 2:
> The world won't care about your self-esteem.
> The world will expect you to accomplish something
> BEFORE you feel good about yourself
>
>
> Rule 3:
> You will NOT make $40,000 a year right out of high school.
> You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn
both.
>
> Rule 4:
> If you think your teacher is tough . wait till you get a boss.
>
> Rule 5:
> Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.
> Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping ...
> they called it opportunity.
> Rule 6:
> If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault,
> so don't whine about your mistakes ... learn from them.
>
> Rule 7:
> Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are
now.
> They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes
and
> ... listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you
save
> the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation,
try
> delousing the closet in your own room.
>
> Rule 8:
> Your school may have done away with winners and losers ... but
life
> has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and
> they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right
answer.
> This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real
life.
>
> Rule 9:
> Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and
very
> few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that
on
> your own time.
>
> Rule 10:
> Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to
> leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
>
> Rule 11:
> Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
-----------------
poster: Celine
subject: a bit dark
date: Fri May 10 00:36:54 2002
choppingblock.org
-----------------
poster: Celine
subject: 80yr old man (not zifnab)
date: Fri May 10 21:19:16 2002
rows 27
columns 118
A 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling. The 80-year-old said:
"I've never felt better. I have an 25-year-old bride who is pregnant
with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considered
his question for a minute and then began:
"I have a friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day
when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up
his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a
prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his
umbrella and went: 'Bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do
you think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied ... "My point exactly."
rows 38
columns 118
-----------------
poster: Einar
subject: >80yr old man (not zifnab)
date: Sat May 11 10:24:40 2002
I think the title is funnier than the story
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: bow down and worship him, you godless cretins
date: Tue May 14 18:54:55 2002
www.churchofspongebob.org
-----------------
poster: Wagro
subject: Priest, lawyer, engineer
date: Fri May 17 02:01:52 2002
A priest, a lawyer, and an engineer are about to be beheaded in 16th
century france. The priest goes up, but the blade refuses to fall.
The executioners conclude that it is divive intervention, and let
him go. The lawyer goes up, and it fails again. The executioners
then conclude that some loophole in the law spares his life. The the
engineer goes up, and says, "I know whats wrong!" and fixes the
machine.
-----------------
poster: Tranquil
subject: The newbie priest
date: Fri May 17 15:48:25 2002
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After
mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I
am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next
to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday
he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got
nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return
to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and
the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he
was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and
eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the
grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: A strange theft
date: Sat May 18 14:58:28 2002
A bizarre theft took place last night at the local police station.
A group of thieves stole all the toilets in the police station, leaving
no clues to their identity or motive.
Police admit that it is unlikely that the thieves will be caught, due to
the total lack of clues. The police have nothing to go on.
-----------------
poster: Baer
subject: the man and the nun
date: Sun May 19 08:42:16 2002
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean
REALLY REALLY drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he
tumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he
stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun
was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he
punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to
her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her
against a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't
move very much so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right
next to hers and said "Not very tough tonight, are you Batman".
-----------------
poster: Ant
subject: How to be politically correct...
date: Sat May 25 17:51:44 2002
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AUSTRALIAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED-She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
-----------------
poster: Ant
subject: A poem...
date: Sun May 26 00:21:52 2002
A Little Poem Regarding Computer Spell Checkers . .
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
-----------------
poster: Ant
subject: Vampire bat...
date: Sun May 26 00:28:41 2002
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in
fresh blood and parked
himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all
the other bats smelt the
blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to
piss off and let him get
some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow
me" , he said and flew
out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a
valley they went, across a
river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and
all the other bats
excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you
see that large oak tree
over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in
a frenzy. "Good!" said
the first bat, "Because I bloody didn't"
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: Doctor pun
date: Mon May 27 04:47:03 2002
A man goes to the doc's for a routine checkup and is horrified
when the doctor's diagnosis is that of a terminal disease!
Shaken, he asks for a second opinion. The doctor's
assitant is called in.....
It's a dog. A golden labrador, to be precise. A
fine dog, but a dog none the less.
Obviously, the doctor has cracked under the stress of
the profession. The man decides to go along with it, to
make things easy on the doctor. He's not worried any
more, as the doctor's diagnoses are obviously not
reliable in their current condition.
He remains on the couch while the labrabor sniffs
over him thoroughly, turns to the doctor and woofs, wags
their tail and so on, obviously saying something to the doc.
The doctor turns to the man and solemnly informs him
that the assitant's report confirms the diagnosis.
"I'm sorry to bother you, doctor, but I didn't understand
your assistant's report. Do you have another assistant?"
The doctor does.....in walks a cat.
The cat leaps gracefully onto the couch and stares
intensely at the man's feet before slowly walking
up the couch, staring intensely at the man, right up
to the top of his head, then meows affirmatively to
the doctor.
The man is suddenly worried again.....
He's just realised that the diagnosis has
been confirmed by a lab report and a cat scan!
-----------------
poster: Bluemoon
subject: Alice's Restaurant
date: Wed May 29 11:05:30 2002
Now here is a story about Alice's restaurant.
Well thats not the name of the restaurant, but thats the name of the
story, so thats why I call this the story of alice's restaurant.
One day, my friend and I decided to go visit alice in the
restaurant. Now Alice doesnt live in the restaurant, she lives in
the bell tower of the church near there.
She lives there with her husband and dog, above the cathedral where
all the pieu's used to be, and being that now they removed the
pieu's, there is a lot of room down there.
Alice figured that with all this room...they didnt have to take out
their garbage for awhile.
Well when we got there we saw all the garbage and decided as a
neighborly thing to do, we'd pick up the garbage and take it away
for her. So we loaded up the half ton of garbage in a Red VW
microbus and took our rakes and our shoves, and implements of
DESTRUCTION and headed off to the landfill.
Now when we got to the landfill we we saw a gate with a big chain on
it saying, "Closed for Thanksgiving"
To our dismay we had to turn and leave, with our garbage in the red
VW microbus.
We drove down the road lookin for another landfill but we couldnt
find one until we came ot a side road and on the side of this side
road, we saw a 15 foot cliff, with a pile of garbage on the bottom
of it.
Now we figured that 1 big pile of garbage is better than two little
piles and instead of brining that one up, we'd just throw ours
down.
So we put our garbage there and went back to Alice's and had a
thanksgiving dinner that could not be beat and went to bed and didnt
get up until the next morning when we awoke with a phone call from
officer opi.
Officer Opi said, Kid, we found an envelope here on the bottom of
this pile of garbage with your name on it, and were wondering if you
could shed some light on it.
I said, "Officer, I can not tell a lie.....I put that envelope
underneath that half ton pile of garbage."
Well after talking to Officer Opi for 45 minutes we came to the
truth of the matter, and was told we'd have to pick up the garbage
and go see him at the police officer station.
Well we headed up to the police officer station in our red VW
microbus with our rakes, shoves and implements of DESTRUCTION and
figured on the way there that one of two things would happen.
One, that Officer Opi would give us a medal for being so brave and
honest on the telephone, which was not what we were expecting, or
that we'd be scolded and told not to ever be seen driving garbage
around here again.
Well when we got to the police officer station, a third option that
we had not conisdered happened, when we got there we were both
immediately arrested.
I looked up at Officer Opi and said, "Ya know, I dont think i can
pick up all that garbge with these handcuffs on."
He said, "Shut up Kid."
And told us to get into the back of the patrol car.
Which we did and then headed off to the quote "scene of the crime" unquote.
Now let me tell you about our little town, we have 3 stop signs, 2
police officers and one police car.
But when we got to the "scene of the crime" there were 5 police
officers, 3 police cars with this being the biggest crime of the
last 50 years!
Everyone wanted to get in a nespapaer story about it
Now the officers were using all their little gidgets and gizmos,
taking tire tracks and then 27 8x10 color glossy photographs with
the little circles and the arrows and the paragraph on the back of
each one explaining what it was to be used as evidence against us.
Well then we were taken back to the police officer station and told
to get into the cell.
Officer Opi asked me, "Kid, Im gonna need yere wallet and your belt."
I told him, I can understand ya wanting my wallet so I dont have
money to spend in the cell, but what do you want my belt for?
He said, "So we dont have anything(snort), hangings."
I said, "Opi, did you think I was gonna hang myself over litterin?"
He said he was just being safe....Which he was cause he took out the
toilet seat so I couldnt hit myself over the head with it and drown,
and he took out the toilet paper so I couldnt bend the bars, roll
the roll down the window, climb down it and have myself an escape.
So being the friend that he was, I gave him my wallet and belt and
got into the cell.
About 5 hours later Alice, yes remember alice? This story is about
alice.... showed up and after some unpleasant words with Officer Opi
bailed us out and we went back to her house and had another
thanksgiving dinner that could not be beat and didnt wake up until
the next morning when we had to go to court.
We walked into court and sat down, and watched officer Opi come in
with 27 8x10 color glossy photographs with the little circles and
the arrows and the paragraph on the back of each one explaining what
it was to be used as evidence against us.
Then a man came in and told us to rise, which we did.
Then in walked the judge, with his seeing eye dog.
Officer Opi looking over at the seeing eye dog, then at the 27 8x10
color glossy photographs with the little circles and the arrows and
the paragraph on the back of each one explaining what it was to be
used as evidence against us, then just sat down and cried because he
knew the judge was not going to be looking at the 27 8x10 color
glossy photographs with the little circles and the arrows and the
paragraph on the back of each one explaining what it was to be used
as evidence against us, because this is just another typical case of
AMERICAN BLIND JUSTICE.
We were fined 50 dollars and told to clean up the garbage.
Well, thats not what the real story is about, but I will tell you
what it is about now.
In downtown New York, they have this building called the White Hall,
where you go to get inspected, detected, infected, collected and
tons of other things.
Well I went down here to join the army during the draft, and before
going in for my physical, I got real good and drunk the night before
so I looked and felt my best, and after getting inspected, detected,
infected, collected I was told to go see the psychiatrist in room
604.
I went up there and walked in the door and said, "Shrink....I want
to Kill....KILL....KILL KILL KILL!"
"I want to see blood, guts and veins between my teeth.!"
Then I started jumping up and down screaming, KILL....KILL....KILL!
and he started jumping with me and we were both jumping up and down
screaming KILL! KILL.....KILL!!!!
and then the Sargeant came and, placed a medal on me and said,
"You're our man!"
Then he asked me one question, he said said "Kid, have you ever been
arrested?"
Well I told him about the story of alice's garbage, with the 4 part
harmony and 3 part chorus...and he stopped me and said, "Kid, have
you ever gone to court?"
I then told him about Officer Opi and the 27 8x10 color glossy
photographs with the little circles and the arrows and the paragraph
on the back of each one explaining what it was to be used as
evidence against us, and he sent me down the hall to the "Group
W's"
Now the group w's, are men that just may not be moral enough to join
the army after committing their "crime".
So I sat down on the bench and looked around, and there were mean men here
...
Mother rapers.......
Father stabbers.....
.....
....
Father rapers?!
Here I was sittin in a room with father rapers! mean ugly lookin
father rapers!
Then the biggest, ugliest meanest lookin father raper of them all
came over to me and said, "Kid, what'd ya get??
I told him, "I didn't get nuthin, I had to pay 50 bucks and clean up
the garbage."
He asked, What did ya do?
I told him I littered....
then all the father rapers gave me a mean eye and moved away from me
on the bench, until I said, "and disturbing the peace."
then they all came back, sat down, shook my hand and we started
having a good ole time talking about, stabbing, father raping, and
all the good things we were talking about on the bench until the
sarge came in and started yelling....
"Listen up you kfa...........kna...a.hgwe...a.w.a..a.agh.." He
talked for 45 minutes and no one understood a word he said. But we
filled out the forms he gave us, and had some good fun playing with
the pencils there on the bench.
Then I turned over the form and saw on the back
in paratheses.....
......
dictated......
....
quotated......
in capital letters....
read the question...
"Kid, have you been rehabilitated?"
I walked over to the sarge, and asked him..."Sarge, you got a lot of
gaul coming in here and asking me if IM rehabilitated. Here you
are, asking me if IM moral enough to kill Women, children, and burn
homes after being a litterbug...."
The sarge told me, "You're our guy!" and gave me a medal.
Now folks, here's the moral of the story...
"You can get...anything you want...at Alice's restaurant.
You can get anything at all, at Alice's Restaurant.
Come on in, its right around the block.
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant."
-----------------
poster: Fox
subject: Frog Loan
date: Tue Jun 4 07:32:11 2002
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get
a £30,000 loan to take a holiday." Pattie looks at the frog in
disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger,
his dad is Mick
Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Pattie explains
that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog
says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about
half an inch tall -- bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused,
Pattie explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and
disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's
a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants
to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up
the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a Hoot!)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Pattie
Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
-----------------
poster: Rizzly
subject: Bad Joke
date: Tue Jun 4 22:08:28 2002
What's the similatity between a cow and a fish?
They both go moo, except for the fish.
-----------------
poster: Rizzly
subject: Bad Joke II
date: Tue Jun 4 22:10:20 2002
There are two muffins baking in an oven. The first muffin turns to
the other and says, "Wow, it's a little hot in here, isn't it?" The
second muffin turns and then exclaims, "Holy shit! A talking
muffin!"
-----------------
poster: Rizzly
subject: Bad Joke III
date: Tue Jun 4 22:10:49 2002
A guy walked into a bar and said ouch.
-----------------
poster: Rizzly
subject: Better Joke
date: Tue Jun 4 22:13:50 2002
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders some food. After
finishing his meal, he turns to a guy beside him, pulls out a gun,
shoots him and leaves.
The next day, the panda returns to the restaurant. Again he orders
a meal, and upon finishing it, he turns to the person beside him,
shoots him, and then leaves.
On the third day, the panda walks into the restaurant, and this time
the manager confronts him. He says, "Mr. Panda, I'm afraid I can't
allow you in my restaurant anymore; you've already shot two of my
customers."
To this, the panda replies, "But it's in my nature."
Now curious, the manager goes and looks up panda in the dictionary. It says:
Panda, a type of bear. Eats shoots and leaves.
-----------------
poster: Nyx
subject: >Bad Joke II
date: Wed Jun 5 02:55:31 2002
On Tue Jun 4 22:10:20 2002 Rizzly wrote post #28:
> There are two muffins baking in an oven. The first muffin turns to
> the other and says, "Wow, it's a little hot in here, isn't it?" The
> second muffin turns and then exclaims, "Holy shit! A talking
> muffin!"
www.muffinfilms.com
Not so stupid apperantly...
-----------------
poster: Marvin
subject: >>Bad Joke II
date: Wed Jun 5 16:06:58 2002
On Wed Jun 5 02:55:31 2002 Nyx wrote post #31:
> On Tue Jun 4 22:10:20 2002 Rizzly wrote post #28:
> > There are two muffins baking in an oven. The first muffin turns to
> > the other and says, "Wow, it's a little hot in here, isn't it?" The
> > second muffin turns and then exclaims, "Holy shit! A talking
> > muffin!"
> www.muffinfilms.com
> Not so stupid apperantly...
I will not go to muffinfilms.com...I will not go to m
ffinfilms.com...I will not go to muffinfilms.com...
Wow, some people have a lot of time on their hands...
(sigh)
-----------------
poster: Bremen
subject: HumorFilledURL
date: Tue Jun 11 18:47:56 2002
It's worth reading.. some of the best are C+-, Women Humor.. etc
-----------------
poster: Bremen
subject: grr it didnt do it
date: Tue Jun 11 18:48:26 2002
-----------------
poster: Rizzly
subject: Funny
date: Wed Jun 12 04:06:38 2002
www.realultimatepower.net
-----------------
poster: Ant
subject: >grr it didnt do it
date: Thu Jun 13 17:44:44 2002
On Tue Jun 11 18:48:26 2002 Bremen wrote post #34:
Ph34r Br3m3n'5 1337 uRL-p0571nG 5k1LLz!!! >;P
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: lame ass joke
date: Mon Jun 17 23:21:42 2002
A man appears before the pearly gates.St. Peter asks "Have you ever
done anything of particular merit?"
"Well, I can think of one thing" the man offers. "Once I came;upon a
gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I
approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked
him on the head, kicked his bike over,;ripped out his nose ring and
threw it on the ground, and told;him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll
answer to me."
-----------------
poster: Magneto
subject: socialist MUD
date: Mon Jun 17 23:27:55 2002
by Joe Luchansky
CommieMUD, the world's first truly socialist MUD opened this weekend
to the hundreds of people still interested in text-based gaming.
Attempts to make MUDs, MUSHes, and all the crazy derivatives that
have been achieved more 'for the people' has been a dream of MUD
players everywhere. Once the user obtains his own MUD, however, he
realizes that autocracy really is better now that he's in charge.
Peter Frank, Jim Simmons and Alex Parkinson, three students at the
California Institute of Technology and neo-Marxists, overthrew
several small, oppressed MUDs before creating their own 'classless'
system using DikuMUD source code.
They imported dozens of pre-created levels (careful to remove all
religious areas), designed one or two of their own and locked out
the Unix-based machine with a password that each of them only knew a
certain portion to. In the event of an emergency, It would take all
three to unlock the account and fiddle with the code -- all this to
prevent unwanted dictators from arising out of their reovlution.
The experience system was rehashed to be evenly distributed among
the masses. No one on the MUD could be a higher or lower level than
anyone else, and gold was kept by the 'state' system and also
distributed among the population daily.
The authors then changed the name of every monster to 'Capitalist
Pig', giving every 'Pig' a bag of cash and an American flag that
players could burn for experience. They then gave equipment of equal
power to each starting player and removed all classes from the game.
Hit points were changed to be universal. If the universal hit point
counter ever dropped to 0 - everyone would die at the same time.
Satisfied with their changes to the source code, the trio deleted
their administrator characters and opened the MUD to the public.
Immediately someone got everyone else killed and some other knob ran
around collecting everyone's equipment and storing it in a secret
cave that contained a very powerful, aggressive 'Capitalist Pig.'
Players began to kill each other out of boredom and frustration,
causing the hit point system to collapse repeatedly. Without enough
gold for each individual, starvation soon became an issue and the
'state' started to issue vodka insetad of gold to keep from
collapsing itself.
Disheartened, the three authors pooled their password knowledge,
recreated their administrator characters and created a police state
to keep order. The authors assured players it was only temporary
until they had worked out a few bugs, and borrow gold from other
MUDs.
-----------------------------------------------------
--------------------------
-----------------
poster: Chewba
subject: Please forward this on ...*sob*
date: Wed Jun 19 15:14:14 2002
My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy. My
>mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The
>reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a
>body. It
>doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe. The doctors gave me an
>artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors
>said
>that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or
>insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more
>money.
>
>Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying
>people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag.
>Mommy
>always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it
>makes her
>sneeze and chafes her real bad.
>
>I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this
>email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know,
>too.
>Dr.Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to,
>Bill
>Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that
>funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over
>America
>and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels
>can
>hear them better. Then they will come back to earth and go to the
>Pope,
>and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to
>the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one
>day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third
>base.
>
>Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take
>more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming
>true.
>Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my
>leaves to rot before I turn 10. If you don't forward this email,
>that's
>okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless bastard who doesn't
>care
>about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if
>you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she
>hopes you die a long slow, horrible death and then burn forever in
>hell.What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five
>f***in' minutes
>to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and
>shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy? Please help
>me.
>I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I
>could
>hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me
>and try
>to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very
>much.
>
>Thank You,
>Billy "Smiles" Evans
Chewba
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: knock knock
date: Tue Jun 25 19:51:26 2002
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Shithead.
Shithead who?
That's my name. Shithead.
-----------------------------------------------------
--------------------------
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Janice.
Janice Peters?
Yeah.
Do you know Mike Liebowitz?
We went to high school together.
Really?
Yeah.
Small world.
No kidding.
-----------------------------------------------------
--------------------------
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
As.
As who?
Ass.
-----------------------------------------------------
--------------------------
login: knock, knock
password:
login incorrect
Wait for login retry...
login:
-----------------------------------------------------
--------------------------
Knock, knock.
Who's there? (Pause.) Damn kids. (Returns to couch.)
Knock, knock.
What the heck? (Cocks rifle, opens door.)
(Twig cracks.)
Anyone out there? Look, whoever you are, this ain't funny.
(Steps off porch into moonlit yard. Sounds from television fade.
Notices cat and puts down gun.)
Oh, looky here. Whatcha doin' out so late, litta fella?
(Bushes rustle. Axe swings.)
NOOOOOO!
CUT TO:
Interior - Day
Riverdale High School - Mrs. Biddle's Homeroom Class. MANDY, JOHNNY,
and GREG talk in hushed tones, waiting for class to begin.
Mandy: Did you hear what happened last night at the old Jones place?
-----------------------------------------------------
--------------------------
CHARACTERS:
Steve, a young man - pensive, he's seen the world, perhaps too much of it
Boo Hoo - a woman, age indeterminate, dressed in rags
(The furnishings are minimal. A chair, coffee table, perhaps an
Ansel Adams print. At center stage, there is a door. The light
should remain dim with a scrim backlit in red or dark blue. City
noise. Steve is reading the paper, like he does everyday after
work.)
Boo Hoo: (Approaches door, graceful in her squalor.) Knock, knock.
Steve: (After pause, looks up from paper.) Who's there?
Boo Hoo: (whispering) Boo.
Steve: (Suddenly frightened; or excited. We can' tell.) Boo... who?
(beat)
Boo Hoo: (quietly dignified) Why are you so sad?
(Steve rises from his chair, throws open door. The two regard each
other solemnly. Cautiously, they approach. Touching hands, they
embrace as the lights dim and Ella Fitzgerald filters through the
speakers.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(From Modern Humorist: www.modernhumorist.com)
-----------------
poster: Chewba
subject: Be aware - Scam Going on
date: Fri Jun 28 19:16:23 2002
>Don't get caught out: SEND THIS WARNING TO EVERYONE ON YOUR EMAIL LIST
>
>
>IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR, SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND
>ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR TITS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR TITS.
>
>THIS IS A SCAM, HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR TITS.
>
>
>I wish I'd seen this email yesterday. I feel so stupid.
>
>Signed
>
>A. Blonde
-----------------
poster: Alisha
subject: A Little Golf..
date: Tue Jul 2 06:59:31 2002
Two male friends go out for the day to get in a quick 18 holes. As
they're going along, they notice that the two players ahead of them
are awfully slow. The first man goes up to them to ask if he and his
friend could play through.
Half way there, he turns around and shakes his head, walking back
over to his partner.
"What's wrong?" asks the second man.
"Well, one of those women is my wife, and the other is my
mistress... I can't do it. You try."
So the second man heads over. Half way there, he turns around,
shaking his head. "Small world, isn't it?"
<>
-+ Lishie +-
-----------------
poster: Athena
subject: The Juggler
date: Tue Jul 2 10:03:40 2002
And Alexander County, Missouri Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about
2 miles north of the Missouri-Arkansas state line. When the Deputy
asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he
was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do
a show that night and didnt want to be late.
The Deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the
driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldnt give
him a ticket.
The driver told the deputy that he had sent all his equipment on ahead
and didnt have anything to juggle.
The Deputy told the man that he had some flares in the trunk of his
squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that
he could, so the deputy go three flares, lit them and handed them
to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the
squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly,
he then went over to the squard car, opened the back door and got in.
The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car,
opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied.."Might as well take my ass off to jail, there's
no way in hell I can pass that test.
-----------------
poster: Alisha
subject: Best Read Aloud
date: Tue Jul 2 10:13:09 2002
In Albert High School, a set of twin senior boys (Juan and Amal)
were the hottest things the girls had ever seen walk the earth.
Countless times, the female population of the school tried to get
the two into bed, failing miserably.
Finally, a set of sisters managed to bed the twins. They were
discussing their experiences one day when the first sister said "I
mean, I've only had sex with the one brother... and I'd really like
to get the other one in bed..."
Her sister just shook her head. "See, I've slept with both of them..
and it's not worth it. Once you've slept with Juan, you've slept
with Amal."
Muaha.
-+ Lish +-
-----------------
poster: Celine
subject: Me
date: Mon Jul 8 07:02:58 2002
Funny joke? Sure...
I was at a friends bday party and had nothing better to do after
awhile. So drunken silly me I log on to reddragon. dun dun dun...
after playing for an hour or two i got bored.. automatic reaction to
boredom for me is to consider reincing. only this time i was drunk
(and stoned as things turn out) so my mind didnt automatically react
with "NO! Reincing is baaad!
Sadly, I reinced to a guild that i vowed to not reinc into ever
again. *sigh* Now if i reinc out of it i get to lose 12m exp.
Well thats my not so funny joke.
ps- Any who find this funny/not are welcome to donate to the
C.N.R.G.F. (celine needs reinc gold fund)
-----------------
poster: Genesis
subject: >Me
date: Mon Jul 8 07:13:44 2002
On Mon Jul 8 07:02:58 2002 Celine wrote post #45:
> Funny joke? Sure...
> I was at a friends bday party and had nothing better to do after
> awhile. So drunken silly me I log on to reddragon. dun dun dun...
> after playing for an hour or two i got bored.. automatic reaction to
> boredom for me is to consider reincing. only this time i was drunk
> (and stoned as things turn out) so my mind didnt automatically react
> with "NO! Reincing is baaad!
>
> Sadly, I reinced to a guild that i vowed to not reinc into ever
> again. *sigh* Now if i reinc out of it i get to lose 12m exp.
>
> Well thats my not so funny joke.
>
>
> ps- Any who find this funny/not are welcome to donate to the
> C.N.R.G.F. (celine needs reinc gold fund)
-dances around you saying "Ha ha ha ha ha ha, you got drunk now your
fucked" and scampers away-
-----------------
poster: Einar
subject: >>Me
date: Mon Jul 8 08:11:33 2002
Blah, hate using reply :P
I believe everyone should change their pass to:
IamDRUNKandIshouldntPLAYbecauseEVERYONEwhoPLAYSdrunkE
DSupREINCINGandREGRETTINGitTHEnextDAY
Or something to that effect :P
-----------------
poster: Einar
subject: ROFL
date: Mon Jul 8 08:12:12 2002
About halfway down, look for the picture of a keyboard :P
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: Baaaad Joke
date: Tue Jul 9 03:40:27 2002
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon.. with great
expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it
and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in
the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the
world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
Having completed his passionate sermon, he sat down.
The song leader then stood and announced with a pleasant smile, "For
our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather At the
River.'"
-----------------
poster: Celine
subject: >Baaaad Joke
date: Tue Jul 9 04:36:46 2002
ROFL!
-----------------
poster: Magneto
subject: learning sign language
date: Tue Jul 9 18:44:33 2002
http://www.gapingmaw.com/507411/
-----------------
poster: Tranquil
subject: >Me
date: Wed Jul 10 08:35:17 2002
On Mon Jul 8 07:02:58 2002 Celine wrote post #45:
> Funny joke? Sure...
> I was at a friends bday party and had nothing better to do after
> awhile. So drunken silly me I log on to reddragon. dun dun dun...
> after playing for an hour or two i got bored.. automatic reaction to
> boredom for me is to consider reincing. only this time i was drunk
> (and stoned as things turn out) so my mind didnt automatically react
> with "NO! Reincing is baaad!
>
> Sadly, I reinced to a guild that i vowed to not reinc into ever
> again. *sigh* Now if i reinc out of it i get to lose 12m exp.
>
> Well thats my not so funny joke.
>
>
> ps- Any who find this funny/not are welcome to donate to the
> C.N.R.G.F. (celine needs reinc gold fund)
I saw the joke in there...
-----------------
poster: Kasma
subject: random hilarious
date: Thu Jul 11 21:14:13 2002
http://www.512productions.com/lobstermagnet/lobsmag.swf
god damn funny
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: Things said in courtrooms..
date: Sun Jul 14 02:59:36 2002
http://www.rinkworks.com/said/courtroom.shtml
All true.
Lots of othere sections on that site, too.
-----------------
poster: Nyx
subject: Just like he killed Sassy....
date: Sun Jul 14 04:42:47 2002
http://www.pamie.com
The story is funny. I think. Maybe not you. Maybe your sense of
humor is normal and you like knock knock jokes, but I was crying I
was laughing so hard.
Nyx
-----------------
poster: Krellen
subject: >Just like he killed Sassy....
date: Sun Jul 14 20:17:50 2002
On Sun Jul 14 04:42:47 2002 Nyx wrote post #56:
> http://www.pamie.com
> The story is funny. I think. Maybe not you. Maybe your sense of
> humor is normal and you like knock knock jokes, but I was crying I
> was laughing so hard.
> Nyx
Go read it. It's funny as heck.
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: Court Transcript
date: Mon Jul 15 05:23:09 2002
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere."
Lots more at http://www.rinkworks.com/said/courtroom.shtml
Lots of other categories too...look out for the
"Questions, Suggestions and Complaints" section
-----------------
poster: Athena
subject: Explains alot :P
date: Sat Jul 20 23:18:05 2002
How old is Granpa? Stay with this...the answer is at the end..it
will blow you away.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather bout current
events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about
the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in
general.
The grandad replied, "Well, let me think a minute. I was born before
television, penicillin,polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact
lenses, Frisbees and the pill.
There was no radar, credit cards,laser beams or ball point pens.
Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers,
clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh
air and man hadnt yet walked on the moon.
Your grandmother and I got married first and then lived together.
Every family had a mother and father.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me Sir and after I
turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, Sir.
We were before gay-rights, computer dating, dual careers, daycare
centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten
Commandments, good judment and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and
to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your
country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger
privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a
meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the
evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time with family
spent together in the evenings and weekends, not purchasing
condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters,
yogurt,or guys wearing earrings. WE listened to the Big Bands, Jack
Benny and the Presidents speeches on our radios. And I dont ever
remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with "Made in Japan" on it, it was junk.
The term 'making-out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonalds and instant coffee were unheard of. We had
5 and 10 cent store where you could actually buy things for 5 and
10 cents.
Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar and a Pepsi were
all a nickel. And if you didnt want to splurge, you could spend
your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for
600, but who could afford one?
Too bad, becuase gas was 11 cents a gallon. IN my day, grass was mowed
coke was a cola drink, pot was something you mother cooked in and
rock music was your grandmothers lullaby.
Aids were helpers in the principals office, chip meant piece of wood,
hardware was found in the hardware store and software wasnt even a
word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady
needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder people call us 'old and confused' and say there is a
generation gap. How old do you think I am??
This man would be 58 yrs old.
p.s. thought you all might get a kick out of this. Gives you an idea
of what things were like when the 'old geezers of RD' were born. :P
and if i posted this before, then take it for a senior moment :P
-----------------
poster: Khosan
subject: >Explains alot :P
date: Sun Jul 21 00:07:33 2002
On Sat Jul 20 23:18:05 2002 Athena wrote post #59:
> There was no radar, credit cards,laser beams or ball point pens.
> Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers,
> clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh
> air and man hadnt yet walked on the moon.
Air condition was invented 1902. Radar was invented 1935. Dunno when the
first laser was made, but my point should be made anyway...
Khosan
-----------------
poster: Mixer
subject: >>Explains alot :P
date: Sun Jul 21 02:11:31 2002
On Sun Jul 21 00:07:33 2002 Khosan wrote post #60:
> On Sat Jul 20 23:18:05 2002 Athena wrote post #59:
> > There was no radar, credit cards,laser beams or ball point pens.
> > Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers,
> > clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh
> > air and man hadnt yet walked on the moon.
>
> Air condition was invented 1902. Radar was invented 1935. Dunno when the
> first laser was made, but my point should be made anyway...
>
> Khosan
1950's if I recall.
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: >>Explains alot :P
date: Sun Jul 21 02:54:38 2002
On Sun Jul 21 00:07:33 2002 Khosan wrote post #60:
> On Sat Jul 20 23:18:05 2002 Athena wrote post #59:
> > There was no radar, credit cards,laser beams or ball point pens.
> > Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers,
> > clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh
> > air and man hadnt yet walked on the moon.
>
> Air condition was invented 1902. Radar was invented 1935. Dunno when the
> first laser was made, but my point should be made anyway...
>
> Khosan
1958 for laser, 1959 for pantyhose. 1935 for the ballpoint
pen, by Ladislas Biro, so that's three strikes and out for that
story.
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: Count Dracula's death
date: Sun Jul 21 03:05:27 2002
Count Dracula, dreaded Lord of the evil undead, is walking
down the street when he feels a small impact on the
back of his head. Looking down, he sees a
small sausage role. He smiles, because it's a futile
gesture of powerless anger against him, which pleases him.
He strides on. A few yards later, he feels a slight harder
impact and a wet splat. He looks down and
sees a small pork pie and some avacodo dip.
He hates avocado dip, and now he has the stuff
in his hair and in his ear! How annoying!
Unsettled now, he walks on...only to feel a stinging
pain in his neck. He reaches up and pulls out a cocktail
stick with a cube of cheese on it.
Livid at the gestures of contempt, he isn't
paying attention to what is going on. As he
stamps around a corner, he is greeted with a
stake through his heart!
Aghast at this ignominious end, he gasped to
the young woman who has stabbed him..."who are you?"
She replies "Buffet, the vampire slayer".
-----------------
poster: Tamuli
subject: teenagers and cats
date: Wed Jul 24 10:03:31 2002
For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, you
may want to know why they really have alot in common with cats:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn thier head when you call them by name
2.no matter what you do for them, its not enough.
Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to
compensate for the priviledge of waiting on them hand and foot
3.You rareley see a cat walking outside with an adult huiman being, and
it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind
wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Even if you tell jokes as well as jay leno,
neither your cat or nor your teen will crack a smile.
5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.
6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living room sofa
for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
8. Cats and teenagers yawn in the exactly the same manner,
communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a
sense of complete and utter boredom.
9. Cats and teenagers dont improve anyones' furniture.
10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known
to return in the middle of the night to deposit
a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources
of advice are not other parents, but vetinarians. It is
also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cat on hand at all
times. And remember, above all else, put out the food
and do not make any sudden moves in thier direction.
When they make up thier minds, they will finally come to you for some
affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment
for all concerned.
Heh just a little thing my mom put on the fridge.
i thought it was funny :)
-Tam
-----------------
poster: Nyx
subject: Geeks, a guide.
date: Thu Jul 25 00:35:01 2002
http://www.neystadt.org/john/humor/Girls-Guide-To-Geek-Guys.htm
Nyx
-----------------
poster: Einar
subject: Make Your own car
date: Thu Jul 25 09:18:53 2002
Ever wanted a pimped out ricer?
Don't wanna get laughed at or pay the money?
http://homepage.mac.com/fwywarrior/.cv/fwywarrior/Pub
ic/create-a-ride.swf-link.swf
Make your own G-Ride
-----------------
poster: Nyx
subject: Does this make my ass look huge?
date: Mon Jul 29 23:26:48 2002
http://www.zefrank.com/predate/index.html
-----------------
poster: Samael
subject: Rah rah
date: Thu Aug 1 20:22:49 2002
A Finn and a Swede were arguing which one's mother tongue sounded most
beautifully. Since they could not find any solution, they asked help
from an English linguist.
The linguist asked both of them to translate the following poem by Percy
Shelley into their own respective language:
"Island, island, Grassy island, Grassy island's Bride".
The Finn started and came up with the following translation:
"Saari, saari, Heinäsaari, Heinäsaaren Morsian".
Then the Swede translated the poem:
"Ö, ö, Hö ö, Hö öns Mö".
-----------------
poster: Quillz
subject: Light Bulb
date: Fri Aug 2 02:19:11 2002
How many computer programmers does it take to change a light-bulb?
None, thats hardware.
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: dilbert newsletter excerpt
date: Wed Aug 7 21:01:53 2002
When Dogbert takes over the world, the first thing he'll do is make
it illegal for Induhviduals to make signs. Until then, enjoy these
sightings.
--
here is a sign on a church in Greenfield, MA, that says:
"HOW DO YOU FIND JESUS?"
The next line down says:
"RUMMAGE SALE Saturday 8-2."
-----------------
poster: Malifix
subject: Signs
date: Wed Aug 7 21:12:33 2002
Saw this one in a book. Sign over entrance to building reads
"PLANNED PARENTHOOD"
Sign out front says 'ENTRANCE IN REAR'
-----------------
poster: Malifix
subject: another sign joke
date: Wed Aug 7 21:15:30 2002
Movie marque showing a double feature
9 MONTHS
CLUELESS
-----------------
poster: Reamus
subject: An Old Man.
date: Wed Aug 14 09:03:15 2002
An old man is in confession, the priest asks him, "What sins have
you to confess?'
The old man replies, 'Last night, I had an affair with 2 beautiful
18 year old girls, three times!'
The Priest, somewhat taken aback, then asks, 'And how long has it
been since your last confession?'
The old man says, 'Forever, this is my first one, I'm Jewish.'
The Priest struggling with this, asks, 'Then why are you telling me this?'
The old man responds with, 'What? Are you kidding? I'm telling everyone!'
(Unkie) Reamus
-----------------
poster: Apathy
subject: website
date: Thu Aug 15 20:09:45 2002
http://www.frozendeadguy.com/
-Apathy
-----------------
poster: Reamus
subject: From Bash.org
date: Fri Aug 16 03:54:42 2002
*** Chimerasame is now known as MissScarlet
...
must...
resist...
urge...
*** Foxworth is now known as MrGreen
*** Signoff: MissScarlet (Killed (MrGreen (in the ballroom with the knife)))
(Unkie) Reamus
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: help!
date: Wed Aug 21 22:15:16 2002
This is just for fun... but it's cracking me up at the moment so
i thought i'd toss it out there for help from any math majors
that geek out on this stuff like me.
I've devised a simple formula for determining a mudder's life value
based on a couple of factors.. the initial equation looks like this:
life=real_age/(worth*mud_age)
what i'm interested in is the most convincing additions to this
basic equation: obviously it's a bit unfair as is.
feel free to create variables on the right hand side of the equation
but understand they should be measurable.
the only relative value should be the life value, which is
an index score. constants are acceptable of course.
i'd like this to be more of a thread discussion than a contest
but i'll award a 1m prize if anybody posts/mails me something
that makes my beer shoot out my nose.
-----------------
poster: Apathy
subject: >help!
date: Wed Aug 21 22:41:10 2002
On Wed Aug 21 22:15:16 2002 Uno wrote post #77:
> This is just for fun... but it's cracking me up at the moment so
> i thought i'd toss it out there for help from any math majors
> that geek out on this stuff like me.
>
> I've devised a simple formula for determining a mudder's life value
> based on a couple of factors.. the initial equation looks like this:
>
> life=real_age/(worth*mud_age)
>
> what i'm interested in is the most convincing additions to this
> basic equation: obviously it's a bit unfair as is.
> feel free to create variables on the right hand side of the equation
> but understand they should be measurable.
> the only relative value should be the life value, which is
> an index score. constants are acceptable of course.
> i'd like this to be more of a thread discussion than a contest
> but i'll award a 1m prize if anybody posts/mails me something
> that makes my beer shoot out my nose.
Well, the main issue I see here is that worth and mud age are not
truely independent variables. I propose to replace these with a
three-dimensional vector composed of exp worth, mud age, and
approximate total gold worth, which would be the sum of currently
owned gold, the sale value of all castle stuff, the approximate
total sale value of all eq, and if possible the amount of gold
credited for free training. The equation would then be:
life=real_age/SQRT(exp_worth^2 * mud_age^2 * gold_worth^2)
-----------------
poster: Apathy
subject: >>help!
date: Wed Aug 21 22:42:01 2002
On Wed Aug 21 22:41:10 2002 Apathy wrote post #78:
>
> Well, the main issue I see here is that worth and mud age are not
> truely independent variables. I propose to replace these with a
> three-dimensional vector composed of exp worth, mud age, and
> approximate total gold worth, which would be the sum of currently
> owned gold, the sale value of all castle stuff, the approximate
> total sale value of all eq, and if possible the amount of gold
> credited for free training. The equation would then be:
>
> life=real_age/SQRT(exp_worth^2 * mud_age^2 * gold_worth^2)
Bleh, got my editors mixed up and posted prematurely. That equation
should actually be:
life=real_age/SQRT(exp_worth^2 + mud_age^2 + gold_worth^2)
-Apathy
-----------------
poster: Afkaserious
subject: math
date: Wed Aug 21 22:42:31 2002
hmm about uno's equation thing.
first of all is the annoying conversion you gotta convers your real
age into minutes and your mudage too. i did it and followed his
equation and i got something like
1.829 (etc-etc-etc lotsa decimals) E -5
since i dont know what thats supposed to represent. cause im not all
THAT good in math. i figured maybe i should try it backwards
as in : (worth*mudage)/rl_age
and then i thought real age doesent really have to do with the time
youve been on the mud
so maybe just count the time since you created your character
instead of rl_age. I havent really tried my versions of the equation
yet. but i was posting about em to see if anyone else has comments
about what i was thinking.
anyway try it. it gives big numbers and it works your brain a bit.
--Afka
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: >math
date: Wed Aug 21 22:44:04 2002
On Wed Aug 21 22:42:31 2002 Afkaserious wrote post #80:
> THAT good in math. i figured maybe i should try it backwards
> as in : (worth*mudage)/rl_age
> and then i thought real age doesent really have to do with the time
> youve been on the mud
> so maybe just count the time since you created your character
> instead of rl_age. I havent really tried my versions of the equation
> yet. but i was posting about em to see if anyone else has comments
> about what i was thinking.
> anyway try it. it gives big numbers and it works your brain a bit.
> --Afka
another possible way to deal with numbers in an equation
with vastly different values is to logarithm one of the 2
-----------------
poster: Afkaserious
subject: logarithm.
date: Wed Aug 21 22:44:52 2002
ok. I dropped last year's math class. and i dont even think that was
in the stuff to learn. Uno you lost me there.
-----------------
poster: Afkaserious
subject: math
date: Wed Aug 21 22:53:06 2002
since uno has nfc about what the hell a logarithm does except lower
a number. i beleive the best way to work with this would be to take
the total elapsed time from now(being today) and your born on date.
and calculate how "Old" your char is. instead of rl-age..
If a 15 yeah old and a 45 year old have aproximately the same
mud-age and the approximately the same worth. the rl_age wouldnt
make any sense in the equation.
-----------------
poster: Apathy
subject: >>>help!
date: Wed Aug 21 22:56:21 2002
On Wed Aug 21 22:42:01 2002 Apathy wrote post #79:
> > credited for free training. The equation would then be:
> >
> > life=real_age/SQRT(exp_worth^2 * mud_age^2 * gold_worth^2)
>
> Bleh, got my editors mixed up and posted prematurely. That equation
> should actually be:
>
> life=real_age/SQRT(exp_worth^2 + mud_age^2 + gold_worth^2)
>
> -Apathy
The logarithm issue brings up a good point: exp_worth tends to
increase exponentially over time. Therefore, to even out the units,
I propose the following:
life=real_age/SQRT(C1 * ln(exp_worth)^2 + C2 * mud_age^2 + C3 * gold_worth^2)
where C1, C2, and C3 are constants, although C2 can probably just be
one since it's already in a desirable unit
-Apathy
-----------------
poster: Afkaserious
subject: completely lost.
date: Wed Aug 21 23:00:33 2002
Man. why'd you have to go screw me up like that.
anyway. yeah. I'm lost on the whole equation thing.
sigh
--Afka
-----------------
poster: Magneto
subject: >math
date: Wed Aug 21 23:03:07 2002
On Wed Aug 21 22:53:06 2002 Afkaserious wrote post #83:
> since uno has nfc about what the hell a logarithm does except lower
> a number. i beleive the best way to work with this would be to take
> the total elapsed time from now(being today) and your born on date.
> and calculate how "Old" your char is. instead of rl-age..
>
> If a 15 yeah old and a 45 year old have aproximately the same
> mud-age and the approximately the same worth. the rl_age wouldnt
> make any sense in the equation.
Yeah but if the 15 year old has spent 5 years here that is 1/3 of his life.
So it also reflects your life as a whole, not just at the current moment
-----------------
poster: Apathy
subject: >>>>help!
date: Wed Aug 21 23:20:23 2002
On Wed Aug 21 22:56:21 2002 Apathy wrote post #84:
> The logarithm issue brings up a good point: exp_worth tends to
> increase exponentially over time. Therefore, to even out the units,
> I propose the following:
>
> life=real_age/SQRT(C1 * exp_worth^2 + C2 * mud_age^2 + C3 * gold_worth^2)
>
> where C1, C2, and C3 are constants, although C2 can probably just be
> one since it's already in a desirable unit
>
> -Apathy
Having talked some with Uno and Daneel, the following adjustments
come to mind:
life = [real_age - SQRT(ln(exp_worth)^2 + mud_age^2 + gold_worth^2)
/ 3)] / real_age
where real_age, mud_age, and gold_worth are given as proportions of
the average values, and exp_worth is given as a proportion of the
log of the average value. Under this scheme, a life index of 0 would
be no life, a life index of 1 would be max life, and other values
would fall proportionally in between.
-Apathy
-----------------
poster: Apathy
subject: >>>>>help!
date: Wed Aug 21 23:22:56 2002
On Wed Aug 21 23:20:23 2002 Apathy wrote post #87:
> life = [real_age - SQRT(ln(exp_worth)^2 + mud_age^2 + gold_worth^2)
> / 3)] / real_age
>
> where real_age, mud_age, and gold_worth are given as proportions of
> the average values, and exp_worth is given as a proportion of the
> log of the average value. Under this scheme, a life index of 0 would
> be no life, a life index of 1 would be max life, and other values
> would fall proportionally in between.
>
> -Apathy
I messed up again. That equation should be:
life = [real_age - SQRT((exp_worth^2 + mud_age^2 + gold_worth^2) /
3)] / real_age
-Apathy
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: >>>>>>help!
date: Wed Aug 21 23:31:24 2002
On Wed Aug 21 23:22:56 2002 Apathy wrote post #89:
> > would fall proportionally in between.
> >
> > -Apathy
>
> I messed up again. That equation should be:
>
> life = [real_age - SQRT((exp_worth^2 + mud_age^2 + gold_worth^2) /
> 3)] / real_age
>
> -Apathy
this equation looks real good... the only problem at this point is
working out the specifics of the gold_worth variable...
how do we convert this to a concrete value similar to the way
that mud_age and exp_worth are concrete values?
-----------------
poster: Barkley
subject: >>>>>>>help!
date: Wed Aug 21 23:35:36 2002
On Wed Aug 21 23:31:24 2002 Uno wrote post #90:
> On Wed Aug 21 23:22:56 2002 Apathy wrote post #89:
> > > would fall proportionally in between.
> > >
> > > -Apathy
> >
> > I messed up again. That equation should be:
> >
> > life = [real_age - SQRT((exp_worth^2 + mud_age^2 + gold_worth^2) /
> > 3)] / real_age
> >
> > -Apathy
> this equation looks real good... the only problem at this point is
> working out the specifics of the gold_worth variable...
> how do we convert this to a concrete value similar to the way
> that mud_age and exp_worth are concrete values?
When this formula is finalized, can we have it in our prompts?
-----------------
poster: Lurch
subject: >>>>>>>help!
date: Thu Aug 22 01:36:34 2002
Well, y'all are thinking, and that's good, but you have the idea
a little backwards... 'life' is actually inversely proportional.
You seem to be trying to determine your overall mudding ability.
Which some people may want to know, so keep at it.
The actual value of life could be determined by the following:
Life = real life age - mud age
If you wish, you can calculate you time spent awake (which is
generally 2/3 of your life) and then plug the answer in the
previous equation... or do whatever you like to life... as long
as you subtract total mud age from it last... that way you get
your true Life.
Unless you're a flaming nerd, in which case you use this:
Life = -1 * (((mud age + worth + gold + eq) * 0) + the # of
times you've been in an argument about how pathetic you are +
the # of times you've won an argment about how pathetic you
are * 1000)
There, see it's actually quite simple.
And in case you were wondering, my number on that last one
happens to be -6006.
-----------------
poster: Daneel
subject: >>>>>>>help!
date: Thu Aug 22 02:47:28 2002
Apathy writes:
> life = [real_age - SQRT((exp_worth^2 + mud_age^2 + gold_worth^2) /
> 3)] / real_age
3 should be sqrt(3)
-Daneel :-)
-----------------
poster: Apathy
subject: >>>>>>>>help!
date: Thu Aug 22 02:50:11 2002
On Thu Aug 22 02:47:28 2002 Daneel wrote post #93:
> Apathy writes:
> > life = [real_age - SQRT((exp_worth^2 + mud_age^2 + gold_worth^2) /
> > 3)] / real_age
>
> 3 should be sqrt(3)
>
> -Daneel :-)
The 3 is already inside the sqrt
-Apathy
-----------------
poster: Daneel
subject: >>>>>>>help!
date: Thu Aug 22 02:51:17 2002
Ah, never mind then, I apologize.
You belong writing LISP code, Apathy :-) (Lots of Itty-bitty, Stupid
Parentheses)
-Daneel
-----------------
poster: Apathy
subject: >>>>>>>>help!
date: Thu Aug 22 02:52:20 2002
On Thu Aug 22 01:36:34 2002 Lurch wrote post #92:
> Well, y'all are thinking, and that's good, but you have the idea
> a little backwards... 'life' is actually inversely proportional.
> You seem to be trying to determine your overall mudding ability.
> Which some people may want to know, so keep at it.
>
> The actual value of life could be determined by the following:
> Life = real life age - mud age
>
> If you wish, you can calculate you time spent awake (which is
> generally 2/3 of your life) and then plug the answer in the
> previous equation... or do whatever you like to life... as long
> as you subtract total mud age from it last... that way you get
> your true Life.
>
> Unless you're a flaming nerd, in which case you use this:
> Life = -1 * (((mud age + worth + gold + eq) * 0) + the # of
> times you've been in an argument about how pathetic you are +
> the # of times you've won an argment about how pathetic you
> are * 1000)
>
> There, see it's actually quite simple.
> And in case you were wondering, my number on that last one
> happens to be -6006.
The problem here and the reason I like mine is that there are
various degrees of activity while one is on the mud. For example,
one could be actively hacking and slashing at everything in sight,
or one could be idling on the mud while running outside and mooning
everybody. Obviously (well, maybe not) the latter should count more
towards life than the former.
-Apathy
-----------------
poster: Zifnab
subject: >>help!
date: Thu Aug 22 05:05:53 2002
> Well, the main issue I see here is that worth and mud age are not
> truely independent variables. I propose to replace these with a
> three-dimensional vector composed of exp worth, mud age, and
> approximate total gold worth, which would be the sum of currently
> owned gold, the sale value of all castle stuff, the approximate
> total sale value of all eq, and if possible the amount of gold
> credited for free training. The equation would then be:
>
> life=real_age/SQRT(exp_worth^2 * mud_age^2 * gold_worth^2)
mud age is only valid in the last couple of years.
**
-----------------
poster: Lu
subject: >>>help!
date: Thu Aug 22 07:41:00 2002
On Wed Aug 21 22:42:01 2002 Apathy wrote post #79:
> On Wed Aug 21 22:41:10 2002 Apathy wrote post #78:
> >
> > Well, the main issue I see here is that worth and mud age are not
> > truely independent variables. I propose to replace these with a
> > three-dimensional vector composed of exp worth, mud age, and
> > approximate total gold worth, which would be the sum of currently
> > owned gold, the sale value of all castle stuff, the approximate
> > total sale value of all eq, and if possible the amount of gold
> > credited for free training. The equation would then be:
> >
> > life=real_age/SQRT(exp_worth^2 * mud_age^2 * gold_worth^2)
>
> Bleh, got my editors mixed up and posted prematurely. That equation
> should actually be:
>
> life=real_age/SQRT(exp_worth^2 + mud_age^2 + gold_worth^2)
>
> -Apathy
i see 2 problems apathy, 1 some of us losers sacced a whole poopload
of eq, like upwards of 150m worth of it, also mud age is all goofey,
and a 3rd thing i just thought of, alot of people spend lots of time
idlign here while having a life or just continuing to have no life
playing wc3(go lu!!) ;)
just my buck fitty
-lu
-----------------
poster: Apathy
subject: >>>>help!
date: Thu Aug 22 07:45:36 2002
On Thu Aug 22 07:41:00 2002 Lu wrote post #98:
> On Wed Aug 21 22:42:01 2002 Apathy wrote post #79:
> > On Wed Aug 21 22:41:10 2002 Apathy wrote post #78:
> > >
> > > Well, the main issue I see here is that worth and mud age are not
> > > truely independent variables. I propose to replace these with a
> > > three-dimensional vector composed of exp worth, mud age, and
> > > approximate total gold worth, which would be the sum of currently
> > > owned gold, the sale value of all castle stuff, the approximate
> > > total sale value of all eq, and if possible the amount of gold
> > > credited for free training. The equation would then be:
> > >
> > > life=real_age/SQRT(exp_worth^2 * mud_age^2 * gold_worth^2)
> >
> > Bleh, got my editors mixed up and posted prematurely. That equation
> > should actually be:
> >
> > life=real_age/SQRT(exp_worth^2 + mud_age^2 + gold_worth^2)
> >
> > -Apathy
> i see 2 problems apathy, 1 some of us losers sacced a whole poopload
> of eq, like upwards of 150m worth of it, also mud age is all goofey,
> and a 3rd thing i just thought of, alot of people spend lots of time
> idlign here while having a life or just continuing to have no life
> playing wc3(go lu!!) ;)
> just my buck fitty
> -lu
Yeah, I'm sort of ignoring the whole mud age issue, because there's
really nothing to be done about it. As far as sacced eq, perhaps tps
should be added as a fourth dimension, although that doesn't include
eq sacced to Eje. Your third point is part of the reason that
exp_worth and gold_worth are lumped in with mud_age like that; just
having age doesn't detract from life as much as having age *and*
having worth
-Apathy
-----------------
poster: Einar
subject: Life equation thingy
date: Thu Aug 22 08:33:31 2002
Hehe, not making fun of anybody, but if you spend that much time
working on that question, you already know the answer :P
exit
q
close
end
save
quit
Blah how do I do this?
Ahh, there it is
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: >Life equation thingy
date: Thu Aug 22 17:23:43 2002
On Thu Aug 22 08:33:31 2002 Einar wrote post #100:
> Hehe, not making fun of anybody, but if you spend that much time
> working on that question, you already know the answer :P
>
>
> exit
> q
> close
> end
> save
> quit
> Blah how do I do this?
> Ahh, there it is
why do you think i posted this in jokes?
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: porn patriot
date: Thu Aug 22 17:24:07 2002
http://www.cnn.com/2002/US/08/08/porn.patriot/index.html
this guy is my new hero.
-----------------
poster: Chemosh
subject: the equation
date: Thu Aug 22 19:11:37 2002
the gold/eq sacced to eje helps your reinc tax.. which saves you
xp.. thus it is balanced in my opinion.
maybe some minor factors.... #nukings, mud wife or not, #kills
-----------------
poster: Xerious
subject: >>>>>>>help!
date: Thu Aug 22 19:17:59 2002
On Wed Aug 21 23:31:24 2002 Uno wrote post #90:
> > I messed up again. That equation should be:
> >
> > life = [real_age - SQRT((exp_worth^2 + mud_age^2 + gold_worth^2) /
> > 3)] / real_age
> >
> > -Apathy
> this equation looks real good... the only problem at this point is
> working out the specifics of the gold_worth variable...
> how do we convert this to a concrete value similar to the way
> that mud_age and exp_worth are concrete values?
You need to standardize the values of rl-age with mud-age. Mud age
is shown in values of week/days/hours/mins/sec, whereas rl is
years/months/weeks/days/hours/mins/sec. Without a convertere of one
to the other, the formula is meaningless...
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: >>>>>>>>help!
date: Thu Aug 22 19:54:59 2002
On Thu Aug 22 19:17:59 2002 Xerious wrote post #106:
> > >
> > > -Apathy
> > this equation looks real good... the only problem at this point is
> > working out the specifics of the gold_worth variable...
> > how do we convert this to a concrete value similar to the way
> > that mud_age and exp_worth are concrete values?
> You need to standardize the values of rl-age with mud-age. Mud age
> is shown in values of week/days/hours/mins/sec, whereas rl is
> years/months/weeks/days/hours/mins/sec. Without a convertere of one
> to the other, the formula is meaningless...
that's easy enough to do, and arbitrary which unit you choose
due to the nature of the equation...
-----------------
poster: Darkside
subject: scary joke
date: Fri Aug 23 03:10:12 2002
dc A flaming portal appears
before you and then out steps B_R
DPYROMANIAC
This is pretty neat. Apparently the owners of this house had been
seeing images and hearing voices for quite a while. They did some
research and found that a lady once lived in this house. She lost
her husband during the civil war. Legend says that she used to sit
at the table and look across the fields in anticipation of her loved
one returning home. He never came. So, they say she still waits.
They caught this photo of what they claim to be her. This one is
wild and a little spooky once you find the ghost in the picture. It
took me a minute or so to find it, but when you do it just
stands out. Like one of those optical illusions. To save you some
time, concentrate around the table. Best not to focus too much on
one spot. Look around the table and toward the window. Click on the
link below for the picture. Best to enlarge. For an added touch,
turn up the volume, it'sfaint but you can hear the ghost talking
sometimes in a low murmur. Remember to turn your volume up, and get
! close to the monitor screen, or you may not see or hear anything.
It may take a minute or so before you pick out the ghost so give it
time...
-----------------
poster: Darkside
subject: website to scary story
date: Fri Aug 23 03:12:00 2002
-----------------
poster: Darkside
subject: sorry
date: Fri Aug 23 03:13:48 2002
here it is hopefully http://home.attbi.com/~n9ivo/whatswrong.swf
-----------------
poster: Jomo
subject: The Equation
date: Sat Aug 24 06:49:47 2002
I have thought about this equation long and hard, and although
many factors went into the computation, I am
pretty sure it call be reduced to:
Life = Penis_Size / Number_of_times
Bob_the_janitor_got_laid_in_this_calendar_year *
Jomo's_estimated_underwear_size
Please insert your own Bob and Jomo where applicable.
-----------------
poster: Trigon
subject: Weebl and Bob
date: Sat Aug 24 19:00:53 2002
Lo bob
Lo
Want pie now!
http://www.weebl.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/b3ta/pie.html
eheh
-----------------
poster: Afkaserious
subject: equation thing.
date: Mon Aug 26 19:24:28 2002
You could also add the number of emotes to your name to the equation.
hehehe
Cheers.
--Mike
oops.
--Afka
-----------------
poster: Waz
subject: baseball joke
date: Mon Sep 2 18:47:39 2002
Since September 11, 2001, Americans have come together
as never before in our generation. We have banded together
to overcome tremendous adversity. We have weathered direct
attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate scandal, layoffs,
unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, and a myriad of
economic and physical disasters both great and small. But now,
we must come together once again to overcome our greatest
challenge yet. desperate Hundreds of Major League Baseball players in
our
very own nation are living at, just below, or in most cases far above
the seven-figure salary level. And as if that weren't bad enough
they could be deprived of their life giving pay for several
months, possibly longer, as a result of the upcoming strike
situation. But you can help!
For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the
cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help a MLB player
remain economically viable during his time of need This
contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the
annual minimum salary, but it's a start, and every little bit will
help!
Although $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a baseball
player it could mean the difference between spending the strike
golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven
hundred dollars is nothing more than a month's rent, half a mortgage
payment, or a month of medical insurance, but to a baseball player,
$700 will partially replace his daily salary.
Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy
that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a
new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the
player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds,
401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to
your home. Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive
an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the strike on a
beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include
an additional $150). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind
you of other peoples' suffering.
HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?
> > Your MLB player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just
> wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know
> > your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a
> > special operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen
> > expenses.
> >
> > YES, I WANT TO HELP!
I would like to sponsor a striking MLB player. My preference is
checked below:
[ ] Infielder
[ ] Outfielder
[ ] Starting Pitcher
[ ] Ace Pitcher
[ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a
specific team - $10 per minute)
[ ] Alex Rodriguez (Higher cost: $60,000 per day)
Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for the
player for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of
the player I have sponsored, along with an Alex Rodriguez 2001
Income Statement and my very own Donald Fehr MLB Players Union pin
to wear proudly on my hat (include $80 for hat).
Your Name: _______________________
Telephone Number: _______________________
Account Number: _______________________
Exp.Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover
Signature: _______________________
Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):
Account Number: _______________________
Exp.Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover
Signature: _______________________
Mail completed form to MLB Players Union or to enroll by phone
simply
call 1-900-SCREW-THE-FANS now! ($10 per minute).
-----------------
poster: Kasma
subject: lobster magnet
date: Wed Sep 4 02:55:21 2002
http://www.512productions.com/lobstermagnet/lobsmag.swf
------------------------------------------------------------------------
funny
Kasma
-----------------
poster: Tranquil
subject: A girl's prayer
date: Thu Sep 5 13:01:05 2002
>Lord,
>Before I lay me down to sleep,
>I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
>One who's handsome, smart and strong,
>One who's willy's thick and long.
>One who thinks before he speaks,
>When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
>I pray that he is gainfully employed,
>And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
>Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
>Massages my back and begs to do more.
>Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
>Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
>One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
>In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
>I pray that this man will love me no end,
>And never attempt to shag my best friend.
>And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
>I look at the dickhead you sent me instead.
>Amen.
-----------------
poster: Tranquil
subject: A boy's prayer
date: Thu Sep 5 13:01:41 2002
>Lord,
>I pray for a girl with nice tits.
>Amen.
-----------------
poster: Prophet
subject: Poem
date: Fri Sep 6 16:48:30 2002
> > > First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
> > > Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needin' ". After
> > > casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and
> > > created a girl. Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
> > > Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
> > > Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
> > > And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
> > > Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
> > > Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
> > > Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
> > > And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
> > > Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
> > > And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
> > > 'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
> > > Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole fucking thing.
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: A 50's Private Eye....
date: Sat Sep 7 02:45:20 2002
I was in my office, working on a case. Some day, I'll buy a desk.
There was a tap on the door. I never found out why the plumber did that.
I opened the door. A tall blonde woman walked in, looked at
my office and rolled her eyes at me. I picked them up and rolled
them back to her.
Anyone care to continue?
-----------------
poster: Percival
subject: Beer!
date: Mon Sep 9 13:33:23 2002
TEN REASONS BEER IS BETTER THAN RELIGION
10. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have beer, you don't knock on peoples doors trying to
give it away.
5. Nobody has ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured
over their brand of beer.
4. You don't have to wait over 2000 years for a second beer.
3. There are laws saying beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a beer.
And the number one reason why beer is better than religion...
1. If you've devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you!
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: What number will I have?
date: Wed Sep 11 00:02:51 2002
It's a few years from now, and the Beckhams are having a nice
family evening.
Brooklyn says: "Dad, when I grow up and play for Manchester United,
what number
will I have on my shirt?"
David replies: "Since you're my eldest son, you can have my number - 7"
A short while afterwards, Romeo asks "Dad, when I grow up and play for
Manchester United, what number will I have on my shirt, when I am out on
the pitch at Old Trafford?"
David thinks for a while and replies "Wear four out there, Romeo".
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: Get ready to groan....
date: Sat Sep 14 00:17:58 2002
It's rainy season in the jungle. All the animals are
soaked. It pours down for hours every day. The jungle
is full of sodden, miserable animals....except for one
crafty parrot, who has found a piece of tent that blew
away and got caught in between two plants, making a dry
spot underneath. For days, the dripping, sodden animals
trudge past and the parrot remains dry as a bone under
it's canopy.
What is the parrot's name?
Polly Unsaturated
-----------------
poster: Litho
subject: >Get ready to groan....
date: Sun Sep 15 06:22:48 2002
On Sat Sep 14 00:17:58 2002 Tahnval wrote post #122:
> It's rainy season in the jungle. All the animals are
> soaked. It pours down for hours every day. The jungle
> is full of sodden, miserable animals....except for one
> crafty parrot, who has found a piece of tent that blew
> away and got caught in between two plants, making a dry
> spot underneath. For days, the dripping, sodden animals
> trudge past and the parrot remains dry as a bone under
> it's canopy.
>
> What is the parrot's name?
>
>
>
>
>
> Polly Unsaturated
Dick?
-----------------
poster: Litho
subject: >>Get ready to groan....
date: Sun Sep 15 06:23:00 2002
On Sun Sep 15 06:22:48 2002 Litho wrote post #123:
> > it's canopy.
> >
> > What is the parrot's name?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Polly Unsaturated
> Dick?
err ya gave answer, eheh
-----------------
poster: Xerious
subject: >A 50's Private Eye....
date: Wed Sep 18 18:47:26 2002
On Sat Sep 7 02:45:20 2002 Tahnval wrote post #119:
> I was in my office, working on a case. Some day, I'll buy a desk.
> There was a tap on the door. I never found out why the plumber did that.
> I opened the door. A tall blonde woman walked in, looked at
> my office and rolled her eyes at me. I picked them up and rolled
> them back to her.
>
> Anyone care to continue?
She thanked me in that husky kind of voice that only comes from a 5
pack-a-day habit. Speaking of smoke, it was so thick I could hardly
keep my eyes open. I must find an office that isn't above a cheap
Chinese kitchen. Then maybe I'll be able to get that desk.
I could tell she needed my help. Her eyes were begging me now, and
I had to ask her to put them back in and shut them up. She did, but
did so reluctantly. She said, "Dick? Is that your real name?"
Keep it going...
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: Baaaad
date: Sat Sep 21 22:18:44 2002
At precisely 11:41, a rabbit walks into a butcher's shop and
asks for a pound of carrots.
The butcher is a bit surprised, but politely informs the rabbit
that this is a butchers shop, so they don't sell carrots. The
rabbit leaves.
At precisely 11:41 the next day, the rabbit walks in and asks
for a pound of carrots. The butcher thinks it might be a
different rabbit, so they politely inform the rabbit that it's
a butchers shop, so it doesn't sell carrots.
Every day for the next fortnight, the rabbit walks into
the butcher's shop at precisely 11:41 and asks for a pound of carrots.
Every single day. At precisely 11:41. Exactly the same
request, in exactly the same words - "A pound of carrots, please".
After a while, it starts haunting the butcher's dreams. Every day.
Same time. Same thing. Finally, after 3 weeks of it, he snaps
and yells at the rabbit: "I DO NOT SELL CARROTS! I am a butcher! I
sell meat! I do not sell carrots! If you come in here and ask for carrots
again, I'll nail your blasted ears to the counter!"
The rabbit just sniffs at him and leaves.
The next day, the butcher is getting stressed by 11:30, looking for
the rabbit. The threat should keep the annoying rabbit away....but no!
It's 11:41 and here is the damn rabbit! Gah! Just one word about
carrots and
the butcher will flip!
The rabbit approaches the counter and says........
...."A pound of nails, please"
The butcher flips and rants madly, ending with
shaking the rabbit and yelling " I...AM...A...BUTCHER!"
"I sell MEAT. This is NOT a grocer's. This is NOT a hardware
shop. I DO NOT HAVE ANY NAILS!"
Exhausted, he drops the rabbit and stands there, red-faced and sweating.
The rabbit picks themself up and says "So you don't have any nails?"
The butcher screams madly: "NO! NO FUCKING NAILS!"
So the rabbit says "A pound of carrots, please".
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: Stuck Shift Peotry
date: Thu Sep 26 22:21:49 2002
Found this on the stanford linguistics site
STUCK SHIFT KEY POETRY.
<>!*"#
^@`$$-
\!*'$_
\%*<>#4
&)../
|{~~SYSTEMHALTED
Translated
Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash
Caret at back-tick dollar dollar dash
Bang splat tick dollar underscore
Percent splat waka waka number 4
Percent splat waka waka number 4
Ampersand right-paren dot dot slash
Verticle-Bar curly-bracket tilde tilde CRASH
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: >Stuck Shift Peotry
date: Thu Sep 26 22:23:01 2002
ignore the "\" infornt of the @ and the %, i thought the mud may
parse those but apparently not
-----------------
poster: Bahgtru
subject: Driving
date: Sat Sep 28 16:14:01 2002
www.funnyjunk.com/pages/driving.htm
For all you "good" drivers out there (and I mean car, not Indian
Midget's skateboard there Koma)
- Bag
-----------------
poster: Bahgtru
subject: Texas
date: Sun Sep 29 10:20:42 2002
www.funnyjunk.com/pages/texas.htm
Nuff said
- Bag
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: haxor
date: Tue Oct 1 12:47:45 2002
http://www.somethingawful.com/jeffk
is comedy, not the wierd something awful butt pic of doom!
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: 404!
date: Wed Oct 2 21:17:24 2002
http://www.fandango.net/404
-----------------
poster: Baer
subject: What's brown and sticky?
date: Sun Oct 6 07:43:41 2002
A stick.
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: >What's brown and sticky?
date: Mon Oct 7 04:59:06 2002
On Sun Oct 6 07:43:41 2002 Baer wrote post #133:
> A stick.
Yes! Someone else likes one of my favourite jokes!
What's round and orange?
An orange beachball.
-----------------
poster: Quillz
subject: funny
date: Mon Oct 7 05:01:15 2002
This guy is sitting on his couch and watching tv when he hears a
knock at his door.
He grumbles and gets up, walks to his door and opens it.
He looks out and sees no one. Then he looks down, and sees a little snail.
So he picks up the snail, and throws it way out into his front yard.
--------
2 months later, the guy is sitting in his chair, watching tv when he
hears a knock at his door.
So he grumbles and gets up, goes to his door and again, sees nothing
until he looks down.
Then the snail looks up at him and says, "What the hell was that for?"
-----------------
poster: Tranquil
subject: Young wife
date: Mon Oct 7 06:15:51 2002
A young wife, having tragically lost her husband to a heart attack,
was viewing his body in the casket before the funeral. Admiring how
he looked in the black suit he had been dressed in, so different to
the blue suit he always wore, she was overcome with emotion, and
could not help but make mad passionate love to his deceased form one
last time.
A few hours later, after the burial, she spoke to the funeral
director, 'Thankyou, my husband would have been happy to know his
funeral had gone like this.. But I must ask, where did you find a
black suit to fit him so fast?'
The director replied, 'Actually, it was just one of those
coincidences. We had another young man pass away this morning, and
he arrived wearing a black suit, however the deceased man's family
wished him to be buried in a blue suit. We were quite fortunate that
the two men's measurements were exactly the same,'
To this, the young wife nodded, but let the director finish, 'so we
just switched heads.'
-----------------
poster: Tamuli
subject: funny! :):)
date: Mon Oct 7 06:27:10 2002
knock! knock!
Who's there?
NOBODY!
muah.
-----------------
poster: Koma
subject: >funny! :):)
date: Mon Oct 7 12:26:15 2002
On Mon Oct 7 06:27:10 2002 Tamuli wrote post #137:
> knock! knock!
> Who's there?
>
> NOBODY!
> muah.
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111
omg lol
-----------------
poster: Bahgtru
subject: >>funny! :):)
date: Mon Oct 7 12:27:57 2002
On Mon Oct 7 12:26:15 2002 Koma wrote post #138:
> On Mon Oct 7 06:27:10 2002 Tamuli wrote post #137:
> > knock! knock!
> > Who's there?
> >
> > NOBODY!
> > muah.
>
> HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111
> omg lol
You get in the catnip again KP?
And BTW, if you get a knock on your door, and there's nobody there,
Coal's prolly been playing Knock & Run again... just set him on fire
next time ya see him.
-----------------
poster: Arkangyle
subject: a few trial jokes
date: Tue Oct 8 18:13:42 2002
Here are a few "odd" comments taken from court records to show you
just what you pay for in that lawyer:
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8th.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes
Q: What were you doing at that time?
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A: That is the only kind I know of.
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: Mr. Clark, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And did you take your new wife?
Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Where you present when that picture was taken?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?
Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body
of Mr. Brown?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm.
Q: And Mr. Brown was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No. He was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
-----------------
poster: Ant
subject: stuff
date: Sat Oct 12 11:09:45 2002
Why does the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do"practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid is made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your moneycalled a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowesttraffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
In case you needed further proof that thehuman race is doomed
through stupidity,here are some actual label instructions on
consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how??...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if
we could just get those
5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and... I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American! Airlines packet of nuts:"Instructions: Open packet,
eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
or genitals."
(..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
-----------------
poster: Einar
subject: My hero
date: Mon Oct 14 05:23:42 2002
this guy is hella funny (maddox.xmission.com)
an excerpt (thats probly spelled wrong) from his site:
I was at the theater the other day.. it was one of those 4000 seat
capacity theaters with 50 parking spots. I went to see the movie at
midnight and even then, the theater was packed full of old people
giving me crusty looks and attitude. This one old lady came up to me
and asked me what I was waiting in line for.. when I told her, she
rolled her eyes and walked off. Stupid old hag. Roll your eyes at me
will you? CLOTHES LINE BITCH *POW*. Knock her ass to the floor. She
had nothing on me. Grandma has NO GAME.
-----------------
poster: Daneel
subject: Duct Tape
date: Tue Oct 15 16:28:02 2002
http://www.cnn.com/2002/HEALTH/conditions/10/14/warts.duct.tape.ap/
-----------------
poster: Tantrum
subject: MONKEYS!!!
date: Thu Oct 17 05:30:22 2002
I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought
that odd since they were normally a couple thousand.
I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I
like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact,
none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in
their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals.
I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment.
They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds
and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first,
the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta'
dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five
hours later. Darn
cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over
my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my
bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked
for a while, that is until they began to decompose.
It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead
monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber.
I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.
Unfortunately, there was
only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them
every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the
freezer so it didn't all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had
to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen
monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead,charred monkeys in a
pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to
use the bathroom. I
severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city
was not allowed to dispose of charred primates.
I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I
didn't bother asking about the
frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts.
My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they
like them, but I could tell they were lying.
Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.
-----------------
poster: Einar
subject: Don't you hate it when...
date: Sun Oct 20 10:04:46 2002
When people make fake lists of things they hate
-----------------
poster: Tantrum
subject: He Vs She
date: Mon Oct 21 03:19:26 2002
"Women are from Potpourri - Men are from Battleship Galactica"
-----------------
poster: Tantrum
subject: hrm, ill try again.
date: Mon Oct 21 03:20:44 2002
------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he
felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one
woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth
stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of
Skylon 4. "Congress passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space
Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news
simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,
dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and
carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her
from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around
her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she
pondered wistfully.
------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted
wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament
Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for
the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human
race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the
Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower
to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they
swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile
entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret
Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of
Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized
poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President
slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm
going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts
at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have
chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh
no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele
novels."
------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
Asshole.
------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Bitch.
------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.
**********************************************
(teacher)
A+ - I really liked this one.
------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted
wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament
Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for
the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human
race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the
Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower
to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they
swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile
entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret
Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of
Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized
poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President
slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm
going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts
at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have
chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh
no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele
novels."
------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
Asshole.
------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Bitch.
------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.
**********************************************
(teacher)
A+ - I really liked this one.
-----------------
poster: Trance
subject: Another one of those true stories
date: Mon Oct 21 06:29:37 2002
My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training and
I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick
lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I
checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean. Then I
realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked
him and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had
an accident and I didn't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse.
Sooooo.... I asked one more time,
"Matt, did you have an accident?"
Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his
cheeks and yelled.... "SEE, MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!!"
While 10 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly
pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing
happened.
I was mortified! Some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better
when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever
had!!!
Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were
leaving and said,
"Son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all the time...
I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did."
-----------------
poster: Afkaserious
subject: genie
date: Tue Oct 22 20:10:20 2002
There were three black guys, who ventured into a cave, and found a magic lamp.
The genie decided to Give them all one wish, since they found him together.
The first Man wished to be white, POOF, he turned white.
The second man looked at the first, and since these were the days of
slavery, Decided he wanted the same wish.
POOF! Another white man.
afktrig PFG down on ME
The third man got a evil glint in his eye and said to the genie..
Well, I want these two motherf*ckers To be turned black again!
And, sorry for the trig, I forgot it.
-----------------
poster: Athena
subject: Laughed so hard i almost choked!!
date: Sun Oct 27 14:13:37 2002
You have got to read these!!!!1
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_697762.html?menu=news.quirkies
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_697761.html?menu=news.quirkies
Some of the funniest stuff I've seen in along time...hahahahahha
-----------------
poster: Zifnab
subject: darwin award winner
date: Mon Oct 28 19:01:48 2002
Romanian Trains
2002 Darwin Award Nominee
(July 2002, Romania) Forget posted train schedules! Like an American
Indian listening for horses in an old Western, a Romanian man placed
his ear against the tracks to listen for the arrival of a train
scheduled to stop at his station. Instead, the 46-year-old man was
hit by an express train, and died instantly from head trauma.
-----------------
poster: Einar
subject: Uber inside joke :Owned:
date: Wed Oct 30 06:39:44 2002
ROFL
-----------------
poster: Quillz
subject: Hilarious
date: Fri Nov 1 02:28:30 2002
www.vickysjokes.com/funny/bking.asp
or just this
www.vickysjokes.com/funny
be sure to go through all of them
-----------------
poster: Athena
subject: Only in Australia
date: Tue Nov 5 10:13:27 2002
Ram-raider knocks down building in bungled raid
A ram-raider ended up knocking down a building when he tried to
steal a cash machine in Australia.
The man reversed a mobile crane into the Sydney office block hoping
to dislodge the machine.
However, it stood firm but the building around it collapsed.
He then struck a pole, snapping it in two and bringing down power
lines, as he made his escape in the crane.
P.S. Baer dear, come home, we love you and completely understand.
Athy (da bitch) :P
-----------------
poster: Requiem
subject: Voting..
date: Wed Nov 6 00:56:10 2002
http://www.strangecosmos.com/view.asp?PicID=145
And I hope everyone that can vote, did vote :)
(Even her :P )
Req
-----------------
poster: Tantrum
subject: only in Australia.
date: Thu Nov 7 04:45:22 2002
i dont spose you heard about the gay two weeks ago who also tried to
steal an ATM? he got away with it. supposeddly 750k in it.
-----------------
poster: Bahgtru
subject: >only in Australia.
date: Thu Nov 7 09:27:20 2002
On Thu Nov 7 04:45:22 2002 Tantrum wrote post #157:
> i dont spose you heard about the gay two weeks ago who also tried to
> steal an ATM? he got away with it. supposeddly 750k in it.
That happened at our local shopping centre too. Someone took 500k or
so, then a week later, the same guy took a further 300k.
- Bag
-----------------
poster: Blackthorne
subject: Party FAQ
date: Thu Nov 7 12:01:44 2002
Well, due to lack of sleep, I have compiled an answer list to
situations you may encounter in a party:
Situation 1: Your party leader looks at you and you aren't wearing any eq.
Q: "EQ?"
A: "I refuse to wear pants!"
Situation 2: You have accidentally looted a corpse.
Q: "Did you just loot?"
A: "I feel it is very inapropriate for you to label me a thief. I
want an apology."
Situation 3: Your party leader asks you to report your skills/spells.
Q: "Report skills/spells"
A: "I don't hafta, you're not my *real* daddy."
Situation 4: Your tank, which you were supposed to be healing, died.
Q: "Why weren't you healing?"
A: "Why weren't you killing fast enough?"
Situation 5: Your party has a debate about splitting loot.
Q: "Are we gonna split the loot?"
A: "I hope so. My pimp hates it when I'm late on my payments."
That's it for now...I needs me sleep.
-BT
-----------------
poster: Eomer
subject: some of these scripts are hilarious
date: Fri Nov 8 03:44:37 2002
http://jbullions.topcities.com/abridgedarchive.html
-----------------
poster: Afkaserious
subject: Go here.
date: Fri Nov 8 05:49:33 2002
http://www.angelfire.com/theforce/guidedbyidiocy/trailer.html
Promoting my friends stupid movie thing, (I'm in the next one) And
hell, its all fun.
-----------------
poster: Ant
subject: 100 reasons
date: Fri Nov 8 15:39:45 2002
Probably been posted thousands of times, but it's good remind guys
about these things from time to time... ;)
100 Reasons It's better to be a Guy
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about cars.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on
every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere
you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that
everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If you're 40 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is
coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without
even thinking, "He must be mad at me.".
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover
is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look
like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
just too yucky.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's
population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whip ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't
tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F_ck it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you
might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not
in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer
and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with:
"So, notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere
-----------------
poster: Ant
subject: 38 reasons
date: Fri Nov 8 15:43:42 2002
Okay. Something for the girls aswell... notice how there's a
significant decrease in the amount of reasons...? >;)
38 Reason's Why It's Great To Be A Woman
1.Free drinks.
2.Free dinners.
3.Free movies (you get the point).
4.You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay.
5.You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay.
6.You know The Truth about whether size matters.
7.Speeding ticket? What's that?
8.New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
9.You never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically
positioned in high school.
10.If you have sex with someone and don't call them the next day,
you're not the devil.
11.Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex.
12.If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so,
out loud.
13.It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group
shower.
14.Brad Pitt.
15.You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.
16.If you cheat on your spouse, people assume it's because you're
being emotionally neglected.
17.You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper.
18.No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
19.If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
20.You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her butt.
21.If you have a zit, you can conceal it.
22.You never have to reach down every so often to make sure your
privates are still there.
23.If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
24.You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
25.You have the ability to dress yourself.
26.You have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
27.You can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to
picture them naked.
28.If you're wearing cologne, you don't have to pretend it's aftershave.
29.You'll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley.
30.You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
31.You can quickly end any fight by crying.
32.There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.
33.You've never had a goatee.
34.Gay waiters don't make you uncomfortable.
35.You'll never regret piercing your ears.
36.You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
37.You don't have hair on your back.
38.You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: The Talking Clock....
date: Sun Nov 10 06:37:22 2002
A man goes out to a nightclub and gets off with a woman. They
go back to his place for sex when the club shuts at about 01:30.
In his bedroom, she sees an odd sculpture on the wall, consisting
of a large beaten bronze disc and a bronze funnel, which rests against
the wall.
"That's an intriguing sculpture. Does it have any significance?"
"It's a talking clock."
She looks puzzled, so he demonstrates by picking up a padded mallet
and whacking the bronze disk. It's like a gong with the added
resonance of the funnelling section, which makes the wall vibrate
with the intensity of the noise.
From next door comes the shout "Shut up, you wanker! It's 2 in the morning!"
-----------------
poster: Tantrum
subject: NEWS FLASH
date: Thu Nov 14 03:01:23 2002
> Just something for your info!
>
> >Breaking news - Ferrari in world first!
> >
> >Modena, Italy:
> >Ferrari's F1 Team has fired its entire Pit Crew. The announcement
> >follows Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the Australian
>
> >Government's "Work For the Dole" Scheme and hire unemployed youths from
> >Balga. The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary
>
> >on how unemployed youths in Perth's northern suburbs were able to remove
> >a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment,
>
> >whereas Ferrari's existing crew takes more than 8 seconds. This was
> >thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari Management, and, as
>
> >most races are won & lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage
> >over every other team. However, Ferrari's expectations were exceeded,
>
> >as during the Crew's first practice session
not only were "da boyz from;> >Balga" able to change the tyres in
under 6 seconds, but within 12
>
> >seconds they had resprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle over to the
> >McLaren Team for four dozen VB stubbies and a gram.
>
> Fred
>
>
-----------------
poster: Tantrum
subject: news flahs
date: Thu Nov 14 03:02:20 2002
for those of you who dont know, balga is like a south central/ghetto
typish place in Western Australia.
-----------------
poster: Ant
subject: It's dark in here...
date: Thu Nov 14 13:34:53 2002
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband
is at work. Not knowing that her 9-year-old son is hiding
in the closet, her husband comes home unexpectedly, so
she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The man, remembering the last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball
back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your
friends like that. That is way more than those two
things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little
boy sit in the confessional booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
-----------------
poster: Tranquil
subject: Some handy new stuff
date: Sat Nov 16 12:50:53 2002
A new generation of hardware and software, aimed at new users of
Microsoft products, is currently being developed and tested. This
page shows some tasty snapshots of applications and equipment that
new computer buyers and experienced users alike might find quite
useful. Enjoy =)
http://rita.thegourmet.com/computers.html
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: Quantum Physics Poetry
date: Sun Nov 17 07:26:42 2002
http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_122.html
It's funny, really. "Poetry" is a bit strong though.
"Amusing doggeral", perhaps.
A taster...
For I have been reading of Schroedinger's cat
But none of my cats are at all like that.
This unusual animal (so it is said)
Is simultaneously live and dead!
What I don't understand is just why he
Can't be one or other, unquestionably.
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: this has to be a joke
date: Wed Nov 20 01:54:55 2002
www.mormonchic.com
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: >this has to be a joke
date: Wed Nov 20 07:43:15 2002
ok I swear, I found this site when I was looking for cargo pants. It
was a clothing line! I mustv posted the wrong url or something.
-----------------
poster: Quillz
subject: >>this has to be a joke
date: Wed Nov 20 09:14:32 2002
On Wed Nov 20 07:43:15 2002 Korthrun wrote post #171:
> ok I swear, I found this site when I was looking for cargo pants. It
> was a clothing line! I mustv posted the wrong url or something.
hahahahahahah
I don't get it.
-----------------
poster: Javier
subject: For Film school students/advertisers.
date: Wed Nov 20 19:47:40 2002
This is pretty funny in general, but especially if you've ever been
through film school or work in advertising.
http://zoomazooma.com/timClips/TH_reeltruth1.html
-----------------
poster: Xerious
subject: >>this has to be a joke
date: Fri Nov 22 01:00:09 2002
On Wed Nov 20 07:43:15 2002 Korthrun wrote post #171:
> ok I swear, I found this site when I was looking for cargo pants. It
> was a clothing line! I mustv posted the wrong url or something.
No joke. I know the peeps that own it...
Xeriously from Mormon-towne...
-----------------
poster: Bahgtru
subject: Opera Baby
date: Sat Nov 23 15:22:56 2002
OMG, it's a baby singing opera! OMG, that's so funny!
www.whoohoo.net/operababy/operababy.swf
- Bag
- Bag
OPPS
-----------------
poster: Rancor
subject: Joke
date: Mon Nov 25 10:48:52 2002
A guy stopped at a gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought
a soft drink. He stood by his car drinking his soda and watching two
men working along the side of the road.
One man dug a hole three feet deep and then moved on. The
other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While
the first man was digging a new hole, the second man was 25 feet
behind him filling in the old hole.
The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on
down the road. "I can't stand this," said the guy as he walked down
the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men.
"Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and
refilling?"
"We work for the government and we're just doing our job," the
second man said.
"But one of you digs a hole and the other fills it up. You're not
accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," the first man said, leaning on his
shovel and wiping his brow. "Usually there are three of us: Bubba,
Leroy, and me. I dig the hole, Bubba sticks in the tree, and Leroy,
here, fills up the hole. Bubba's job has been cut, so now it's just
me 'n Leroy".
-----------------
poster: Wildchild
subject: Secret Diaries...
date: Wed Nov 27 05:01:59 2002
Secret Diaries of Cassandra Claire presents:
The Very Secret Diaries of the Fellowship of the Ring
http://diaries.diagon.org/
Some of the funniest shit I've read in a long time :)
-WildChild
-----------------
poster: Reamus
subject: >Secret Diaries...
date: Wed Nov 27 05:46:28 2002
On Wed Nov 27 05:01:59 2002 Wildchild wrote post #178:
> Secret Diaries of Cassandra Claire presents:
>
> The Very Secret Diaries of the Fellowship of the Ring
> http://diaries.diagon.org/
>
> Some of the funniest shit I've read in a long time :)
>
> -WildChild
*laughs* I love those...No one can bring up the movie around me
without the phrase "Pervy Hobbit Fancier" leaping to mind...
(Unkie) Reamus
-----------------
poster: Javier
subject: You know you live in 2002 when...
date: Thu Nov 28 20:08:31 2002
You know you're living in the 02's when:
1. You have 5 passwords, but can only remember one.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in
years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
family of three.
4. You e mail your buddy who works at the desk next to
you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is
that they do not have an e mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still
answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you
accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and
worked for three different companies.
9. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
10. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
11. You can only write on 'sticky pads'.
12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you
lost all of your best jokes.
13. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your
job.
14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more
likely to get long service awards.
15. Board members salaries are higher than all the
Third World countries annual budgets combined.
16. Interviewees, despite not having relevant knowledge
or experience, terminate the interview when told of the
starting salary.
17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple
diet.
18. Your supervisor gets a brand new state of the art
laptop with all the latest features, while you have
time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're
in hospital.
20. There's no money in the budget for the five
permanent staff your department desperately needs, but
they can afford four full time management consultants
advising your boss's boss on strategy.
21. Your relatives and family describe your job as
"works with computers".
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE..
22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and
smiling.
-----------------
poster: Litho
subject: THE BEST JOKE IN THE WORLD
date: Fri Nov 29 03:02:17 2002
Tahnval's sex life.
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: >THE BEST JOKE IN THE WORLD
date: Fri Nov 29 03:02:57 2002
On Fri Nov 29 03:02:17 2002 Litho wrote post #181:
> Tahnval's sex life.
How can something non-existent be a joke?
-----------------
poster: Litho
subject: >>THE BEST JOKE IN THE WORLD
date: Fri Nov 29 03:03:24 2002
On Fri Nov 29 03:02:57 2002 Tahnval wrote post #182:
> On Fri Nov 29 03:02:17 2002 Litho wrote post #181:
> > Tahnval's sex life.
> How can something non-existent be a joke?
think Encourage Regeneration UP
AHAHAHAHAHA (stfu)
-----------------
poster: Magneto
subject: >You know you live in 2002 when...
date: Fri Nov 29 20:05:45 2002
> AND THE CLINCHERS ARE..
>
> 22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and
> smiling.
or nodding and crying ;)
Mags
-----------------
poster: Prophet
subject: Funny Stuff =)
date: Sat Nov 30 06:56:06 2002
http://www.luchau.org/writing/harrypotter.htm
-----------------
poster: Javier
subject: Friendship is like...
date: Sat Nov 30 23:19:00 2002
Friendship
Friendship is like peeing in your pants.......
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it's true warmth.
Thank you for being the pee in my pants.
Javi
-----------------
poster: Quillz
subject: >Friendship is like...
date: Sat Nov 30 23:19:51 2002
On Sat Nov 30 23:19:00 2002 Javier wrote post #186:
> Friendship
>
> Friendship is like peeing in your pants.......
>
> Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it's true warmth.
>
> Thank you for being the pee in my pants.
>
> Javi
It's only warm for like 5 minutes, then it gets cold.
Sheesh
-----------------
poster: Xerious
subject: >>Friendship is like...
date: Sat Nov 30 23:23:18 2002
On Sat Nov 30 23:19:51 2002 Quillz wrote post #187:
> >
> > Friendship is like peeing in your pants.......
> >
> > Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it's true warmth.
> >
> > Thank you for being the pee in my pants.
> >
> > Javi
> It's only warm for like 5 minutes, then it gets cold.
> Sheesh
And it starts to stink when it gets cold and you end up having to go change...
-----------------
poster: Xerious
subject: Origin of the Word : "Shit"
date: Thu Dec 5 18:20:58 2002
Ever wonder where the word SHIT comes from? Well here it is:
Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything was
years ago) by ship. In dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet,
but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the
process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is
methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what
could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and
the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was discovered
what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always
stamped with the term "S.H.I.T" on them which meant to the sailors
to "Ship High In Transit."
In other words, high enough off the lower decks so that any water
that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and
start the production of methane.
Bet you didn't know the history of that word.
Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term.
Now that's some Xerious shit!
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: >Origin of the Word : "Shit"
date: Fri Dec 6 23:50:44 2002
In case anyone wants the real etymology of the word "shit", it's
here:
http://www.takeourword.com/et_temp.html
*very* few English words are acronyms, and most of those
are recent and technical (e.g. RADAR, SONAR, LASER)
The acronym idea is obviously incorrect when you consider
other languages with Indo-European roots - they have similat
words with the same meaning.
Hmm..an odd URL. You might have to go to the homepage
and use the search facility for "shit"
-----------------
poster: Wildchild
subject: amusing emails from work
date: Sat Dec 7 07:00:40 2002
This is the text of two memo-emails that went out to everybody in
the company I work for today from the receptionist:
> To: Everyone@SKLD
> Subject: massage
>
> Hi everyone,
> I just wanted to let you know that I have open slut for massage on
> December 17th
> the times are 12:45, 1:10, and 1:45.
> Please let me know if you are interested.
The followup to that from her was:
> I am soooooooooooooo sorrrrrrrrryyy about the first email. I mean Slot.
-WildChild
-----------------
poster: Tranquil
subject: Night on the piss - Glossary of terms
date: Mon Dec 9 04:23:51 2002
A brief glossary of the terms used when having or speaking about a
night on the town, with descriptions of each.
Starting the night:
DRINK-LINK
A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is
common to visit one before going out on the booze.
BRITNEY SPEARS
Modern Slang for 'beers', ie. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".
NELSON MANDELA
Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
TART FUEL or BITCH PISS
Bottled Alcopops, ie. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.
WYNONA RYDER
Rhyming Slang for 'cider', ie. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a
bottle of Tart Fuel please Doreen".
Meeting new people:
GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
MUMBLER
An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. ie: you can see
her lips moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached or dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive woman.
SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
PICASSO ARSE
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like
she's got four buttocks.
STARFISH TROOPER OR ARSETRONAUT
A homosexual male.
TODGER DODGER
A lesbian.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to
show their level of training.
As the night continues:
BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first piss in the pub, usually after two hours of drinking.
After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the
bathroom will be required every ten or fifteen minutes for the rest
of the night.
MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
bathroom after your tenth pint, and whisks away all the unattractive
people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come
back in.
PEARL HARBOUR
Cold area or weather. An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl
Harbour out here!" Meaning there's a nasty 'nip' in the air.
BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when relocating to a new venue
during a booze cruise at three in the morning.
On your way home:
BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a
booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you
live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
GOING FOR A MCSHIT
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food,
you're just going to the bog.
MCSHIT WITH LIES
What you tell the pimply staff member that may hassle you as you
stumble from the restaraunt entry door to the bathroom.
BEER SCOOTER
The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not
remember it. ie. "I don't even remember getting home last night, I
must have caught the beer scooter".
FUCKSHITFUCKSHITFUCKSHIT
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.
If you were feeling lucky, when you get there:
MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, ie. extremely impressive when viewed
from the outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth
seeing.
BRUCE LEE
Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).
ETCH-A-SKETCH
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her
nipples simultaneously.
RAGMAN'S COAT
Untidy and unkempt pubic hair
BADLY PACKED KEBAB
A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
BUDGIE'S TONGUE
The female erection.
AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
TITANIC
A lady who goes down first time out.
DOUBLE-BASS
A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and
then fiddles with the woman's bruce lees with one hand and her
Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used
when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is
slightly different.
And if you weren't feeling so lucky:
UP ON BLOCKS
Menstruating, ie. out of action. A bit like a car in a garage. ie.
"I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on
blocks".
FLOGGING ON
Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.
HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT
A vigorous masturbation session.
WANK SIANCE
During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being
watched with disgust by your dead relatives.
The morning after:
MYSTERY TAXI
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you
wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a swamp
donkey in your bed instead.
WALLACE AND GROMIT
Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.
MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa !Aa!".
ALCOHOL-INDUCED MEMORY RECOLLECTION
The sudden knowledge you only ever have the day following a night on
the piss, that you have done this many times before, and it gets
worse each time. It is usually accompanied by a decision to never do
it again.
RECOVERY-INDUCED MEMORY LOSS
When you forget your previous resolution to never have another night
on the piss.
-----------------
poster: Jimerson
subject: Game
date: Thu Dec 12 04:49:31 2002
www.kicken.com/funnyfiles/WackoJacko.swf
Go here, it
s funnier than hell, and fun to play to.
Jim
-----------------
poster: Trigon
subject: Christmas, Burger King Style
date: Sat Dec 14 06:12:51 2002
Muah ha ha hah a
eheh burger king christmas
http://sherm.20megsfree.com/burgerking.swf
Trigon
Ding, fries are done
-----------------
poster: Bluemoon
subject: >Christmas, Burger King Style
date: Sun Dec 15 09:52:26 2002
On Sat Dec 14 06:12:51 2002 Trigon wrote post #195:
> Muah ha ha hah a
> eheh burger king christmas
> http://sherm.20megsfree.com/burgerking.swf
> Trigon
> Ding, fries are done
http://www.vickyjokes.com/funny/bking.asp leads to the same thing,
then has the option to browse many funny swf files.
-----------------
poster: Wildchild
subject: comic strip for Two Towers
date: Wed Dec 18 21:58:49 2002
http://www.pvponline.com/archive.php3?archive=20021217
Great strip, makes perfect sense, and all idiots should read it if
they think The Two Towers should have it's named changed because of
the Twin Towers.
-WildChild
-----------------
poster: Mixer
subject: >news flahs
date: Thu Dec 19 03:09:23 2002
On Thu Nov 14 03:02:20 2002 Tantrum wrote post #166:
> for those of you who dont know, balga is like a south central/ghetto
> typish place in Western Australia.
Where Tantrum lives :)
-----------------
poster: Bahgtru
subject: >>news flahs
date: Thu Dec 19 05:16:46 2002
On Thu Dec 19 03:09:23 2002 Mixer wrote post #198:
> On Thu Nov 14 03:02:20 2002 Tantrum wrote post #166:
> > for those of you who dont know, balga is like a south central/ghetto
> > typish place in Western Australia.
> Where Tantrum lives :)
Eheh, Balga is like a hole in the ground with walls around it to
stop things from getting out or in.
-----------------
poster: Zavier
subject: >comic strip for Two Towers
date: Thu Dec 19 06:35:05 2002
On Wed Dec 18 21:58:49 2002 Wildchild wrote post #197:
> http://www.pvponline.com/archive.php3?archive=20021217
>
> Great strip, makes perfect sense, and all idiots should read it if
> they think The Two Towers should have it's named changed because of
> the Twin Towers.
>
> -WildChild
Anyone who thinks the The Two Towers should be changed because of
the World Trade Center is an idiot and clearly not a long time
Tolkein fan,
my 2 cents
zavier
-----------------
poster: Marvin
subject: >>comic strip for Two Towers
date: Thu Dec 19 13:41:42 2002
On Thu Dec 19 06:35:05 2002 Zavier wrote post #200:
> > Great strip, makes perfect sense, and all idiots should read it if
> > they think The Two Towers should have it's named changed because of
> > the Twin Towers.
> >
> > -WildChild
> Anyone who thinks the The Two Towers should be changed because of
> the World Trade Center is an idiot and clearly not a long time
> Tolkein fan,
> my 2 cents
> zavier
I think that "Casablanca" should be changed since every time I hear
the name I think of the moron we have in the White House.
-----------------
poster: Baer
subject: www.mymiserablechristmas.com
date: Wed Dec 25 10:29:01 2002
Well if you don't like Christmas (or even if you do), here's a site
for people who didn't have the best of holidays...
Sample>
The Christmas of 1990, my mom and I went shopping and my car
stalled. The guy behind us honked, and as I rolled down the window
to wave him around us, my mom thought I was rolling it down to give
him the finger. She grabbed my hair and pulled it really hard,
dragging me down to her lap, as she hissed "drive", not realizing we
were stalled. Once we got back to the house, I became irate. We
started screaming and yelling at each other, eventually moving onto
the front lawn as all the neighbors stared. She threw my presents
out the door. Then my uncle came outside and said I was ungrateful,
and that if my grandmother had a heart attack and died, it would be
my fault.
-----------------
poster: Quillz
subject: I laughed my a** off
date: Tue Dec 31 06:34:15 2002
http://cyclone.mospeada.net/
-----------------
poster: Athena
subject: Things to Ponder
date: Thu Jan 2 13:17:13 2003
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it
comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life is sexually transmitted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool
who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error..... ~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For people who like peace and quiet; a phoneless cord.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't be so open-minded, that your brains will fall out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!"...till you can find a
rock.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
-----------------
poster: Athena
subject: Soooooooo Sad :(
date: Thu Jan 2 13:29:11 2003
Dear Friend,
It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join
me in remembering a great icon - the veteran Pillsbury Spokesman. The
Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications
from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,
the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain
Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.
Long time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a
man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked
schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old
man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought
he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and
Jane Dough, plus one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly
father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
-----------------
poster: Xerious
subject: >Soooooooo Sad :(
date: Fri Jan 3 17:56:27 2003
On Thu Jan 2 13:29:11 2003 Athena wrote post #205:
> schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old
> man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought
> he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.
>
> Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and
> Jane Dough, plus one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly
> father, Pop Tart.
>
> The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
>
I have xerious misgivings about a "man" who dies of a yeast infection... :P
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: Poor quality joke...my favourite kind.
date: Sat Jan 4 00:24:59 2003
What do you get hanging from apple trees?
Tired arms.
Usual answers are "apples" and "leaves".
-----------------
poster: Mixer
subject: >>>comic strip for Two Towers
date: Sat Jan 4 13:28:26 2003
On Thu Dec 19 13:41:42 2002 Marvin wrote post #201:
> On Thu Dec 19 06:35:05 2002 Zavier wrote post #200:
> > > Great strip, makes perfect sense, and all idiots should read it if
> > > they think The Two Towers should have it's named changed because of
> > > the Twin Towers.
> > >
> > > -WildChild
> > Anyone who thinks the The Two Towers should be changed because of
> > the World Trade Center is an idiot and clearly not a long time
> > Tolkein fan,
> > my 2 cents
> > zavier
>
> I think that "Casablanca" should be changed since every time I hear
> the name I think of the moron we have in the White House.
Yeah it does rhyme with Wanka doesn't it!
-----------------
poster: Kasma
subject: funny stuff
date: Tue Jan 7 21:11:28 2003
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/yatta.html
i died.
-----------------
poster: Trigon
subject: Eheh, Strong Bad
date: Wed Jan 15 09:47:15 2003
http://homestarrunner.com/sbemail.html
This site rocks
I mean seriously, I laugh hard.
HARD!
I suggest you check out the following clips:
Japanese cartoon
Dragon
Techno
The others are good, but those are my favorite.
Thank you.
Crapfully yours
Trigon
-----------------
poster: Athena
subject: laf, so true
date: Thu Jan 16 12:43:29 2003
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are
hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a
man.... that's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're
unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be
friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My
car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't
break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands
it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I
think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever bitches. Don't trust them.
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: >laf, so true
date: Thu Jan 16 13:33:01 2003
Not a good moral. Most women are not bitches.
So it's basically just sexist crap. Unusual it that
it's antifemale sexism rather than antimale sexism, but
that doesn't stop it being sexist crap.
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: >>laf, so true
date: Thu Jan 16 15:17:07 2003
On Thu Jan 16 13:33:01 2003 Tahnval wrote post #212:
> Not a good moral. Most women are not bitches.
> So it's basically just sexist crap. Unusual it that
> it's antifemale sexism rather than antimale sexism, but
> that doesn't stop it being sexist crap.
that's why it's in jokes ;)
-----------------
poster: Quillz
subject: >Poor quality joke...my favourite kind.
date: Thu Jan 16 22:16:15 2003
On Sat Jan 4 00:24:59 2003 Tahnval wrote post #207:
> What do you get hanging from apple trees?
>
> Tired arms.
>
> Usual answers are "apples" and "leaves".
That is quality.
-----------------
poster: Hyacinth
subject: hours of laughs!
date: Sun Jan 19 03:43:11 2003
Check this out and make sure you read the mud web page with it...hahahahha
Athy/Hyacinth
-----------------
poster: Hyacinth
subject: ack ack trying this again
date: Sun Jan 19 03:45:48 2003
cut and paste didnt work
rinkworks.com/dialect/
funny as hell
-----------------
poster: Quillz
subject: It's that time when...
date: Sun Jan 19 08:35:06 2003
You now your ignore list is getting to long when you have to check
it every time you send a tell, just in case.
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: >ack ack trying this again
date: Sun Jan 19 23:44:28 2003
On Sun Jan 19 03:45:48 2003 Hyacinth wrote post #217:
> cut and paste didnt work
> rinkworks.com/dialect/
> funny as hell
Check out the whole suite of Rinkworks sites for laughs, esp. the
one, the only, the famous...Computer Stupidities!
-----------------
poster: Goroharahad
subject: Hail Blue
date: Tue Jan 21 15:54:44 2003
15:28:26 (25m42s) EXP: 10611950, 408151 xp/min, 17006 xp/min/mbr
======================hp========sp========ep==========================
1. Blue LDR 2139/3710 673/673 1435/1588 | 89 | 1009581
2. Tranquil 0/1833 2017/2017 584/1244 | 94 | 1007388
3. Chrono FOL 422/1378 4327/4360 741/741 | 110 | 1130230
4. Greeder 0/792 1092/1092 380/380 | 28 | 144995
5. Vor 0/564 855/857 260/260 | 15 | 91649
6. Hostility 0/416 660/660 247/247 | 8 | 14696
7. Sirc 0/1226 532/532 813/813 | 40 | 365695
8. Mixedtwist 0/582 308/308 400/400 | 14 | 46350
9. Gallahad 0/582 796/1650 325/325 | 32 | 133876
10. Blizz 0/607 94/1456 323/323 | 27 | 116749
11. Zeemagx 0/616 112/1383 349/349 | 30 | 194099
12. Space DEAD 0/736 1730/2335 429/429 | 50 | 285446
13. Cleo FOL 219/1510 4372/4524 830/830 | 104 | 1098438
14. Dorkboy 0/1579 328/328 148/759 | 36 | 218352
15. Stellerex 105/1207 540/540 818/818 | 40 | 335211
16. Sequoia 0/667 1747/1989 390/390 | 42 | 200109
17. Frodo DEAD 0/2376 457/457 67/1122 | 62 | 459301
18. Kaos FOL 2400/4115 628/686 1716/1716 | 123 | 1059472
19. Goroharahad 358/1474 2179/3929 800/800 | 111 | 976254
20. Palmascay 0/929 1230/1362 498/498 | 33 | 128941
21. Holyman 0/937 1794/2301 472/472 | 51 | 227681
22. Rathidragon 0/842 555/1836 425/425 | 44 | 139616
23. Pagemaster 0/583 445/445 333/333 | 14 | 15713
24. Jant 0/1493 3510/3627 973/973 | 132 | 223546
-----------------
poster: Kasma
subject: >>>FINALS :(
date: Wed Jan 22 13:32:02 2003
Thanks, i hope my geometry teacher doesnt fail me. Shes a ditz.
-----------------
poster: Athena
subject: A poem for you all :)
date: Thu Jan 23 12:35:59 2003
I shave my legs,
I sit down to pee.
And I can justify
any shopping spree.
Don't go to a barber,
but a beauty salon.
I can get a massage
without a hard-on.
I can balance the checkbook,
I can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends,
about the size of my ass.
My beauty's a masterpiece,
and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit,
to others when I'm wrong.
I don't drive in circles,
at any cost.
And I don't have a problem,
admitting I'm lost.
I never forget,
an important date.
You just gotta deal with it,
I'm usually late.
I don't watch movies,
with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay,
to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch.
And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch.
Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her.
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!
Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's best.
Look at me you idiot...
Not at my chest????
I don't have a problem,
With Expressing my feelings.
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling.
DON'T call me a GIRL,
a BABE or a CHICK.
I am a WOMAN.
Get it?, you DICK!?!
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: >A poem for you all :)
date: Fri Jan 24 01:31:42 2003
oh good job.
I M Eqaal!!!!
BE NICE
dont call me girl chick or babe
call me woman
oh btw im not going to call you man
im going to be a hypcryt instead
yes must be woman
-----------------
poster: Blackthorne
subject: >>A poem for you all :)
date: Fri Jan 24 10:39:53 2003
On Fri Jan 24 01:31:42 2003 Korthrun wrote post #224:
> oh good job.
> I M Eqaal!!!!
> BE NICE
> dont call me girl chick or babe
> call me woman
> oh btw im not going to call you man
> im going to be a hypcryt instead
> yes must be woman
I took the poem as a joke. I guess having a sense of humor isn't as
common as it used to be.
-----------------
poster: Tranquil
subject: >A poem for you all :)
date: Fri Jan 24 13:55:53 2003
Chicks. Gotta love em ;)
-----------------
poster: Goroharahad
subject: Driving lessons
date: Fri Jan 24 14:59:02 2003
http://hellsgate.online.ee/~mait/fahrschule.swf
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: >>>A poem for you all :)
date: Fri Jan 24 18:38:50 2003
it is just a joke
I guess having a sense of humor isn't as
common as it used to be.
-----------------
poster: Litho
subject: >>>>A poem for you all :)
date: Fri Jan 24 18:46:30 2003
On Fri Jan 24 18:38:50 2003 Korthrun wrote post #228:
> it is just a joke
> I guess having a sense of humor isn't as
> common as it used to be.
it made me laugh, love you korhole
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: >>>A poem for you all :)
date: Sat Jan 25 00:21:30 2003
On Fri Jan 24 10:39:53 2003 Blackthorne wrote post #225:
> On Fri Jan 24 01:31:42 2003 Korthrun wrote post #224:
> > oh good job.
> > I M Eqaal!!!!
> > BE NICE
> > dont call me girl chick or babe
> > call me woman
> > oh btw im not going to call you man
> > im going to be a hypcryt instead
> > yes must be woman
> I took the poem as a joke. I guess having a sense of humor isn't as
> common as it used to be.
Or maybe considering sexism and hypocrisy funny isn't as
common as it used to be.
I certainly hope so.
-----------------
poster: Krellen
subject: >>>>A poem for you all :)
date: Sat Jan 25 05:48:23 2003
You're the world's biggest killjoy, Tahnval. You make it sound like
men can't do anything because of all the women in the world. Step
off.
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: >>>>>A poem for you all :)
date: Sat Jan 25 15:07:32 2003
oh puuh I'm sorry I made a smart ass comment, lets all get bitter
and in eachothers faces.
alkthough he takes my smart ass comment and says what Im thinking
if i tell a racist joke or if i tell a sexist joke
I get tons of shite
why?
i am a white male
so if a joke contains any racial refernce, i get shit (80% of the
time) for being racist
if it presents any derrogitory comments about a woman I get shit
(90% of the time)
someone can post something that is full of sexism and hypocrisy
(spelling sucks) and its no prob
why?
one athena rocks and every one loves her
two
shes a girl
girls cant be sexist
or something
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: >>>>>A poem for you all :)
date: Sat Jan 25 16:42:09 2003
On Sat Jan 25 05:48:23 2003 Krellen wrote post #231:
> You're the world's biggest killjoy, Tahnval. You make it sound like
> men can't do anything because of all the women in the world. Step
> off.
Please refrain from talkng rubbish about me.
I object to some antifemale sexism.
You say nothing.
I object to some antimale sexism.
You post some silly ad hominem that I don't think you
can actually believe.
Examine your own double-standards, please.
-----------------
poster: Krellen
subject: >>>>>>A poem for you all :)
date: Sat Jan 25 21:16:26 2003
Double-standards? Feel free to point out any double standards. If
I haven't responded to everything you say, it's probably because I
usually ignore you because you have no idea what you're talking
about.
-----------------
poster: Denim
subject: opps
date: Sat Jan 25 21:17:01 2003
ok plz stop fighting this is not a game where ppls fight all the time and such
y'all need to calm down and simma down etc. plz
thx
denim
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: >opps
date: Sat Jan 25 22:22:03 2003
On Sat Jan 25 21:17:01 2003 Denim wrote post #235:
> ok plz stop fighting this is not a game where ppls fight all the time and
such
> y'all need to calm down and simma down etc. plz
>
> thx
>
> denim
I'm fine with that, but I have to address slanderous lies about me.
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: >>>>>>>A poem for you all :)
date: Sat Jan 25 22:23:27 2003
On Sat Jan 25 21:16:26 2003 Krellen wrote post #234:
> Double-standards? Feel free to point out any double standards. If
> I haven't responded to everything you say, it's probably because I
> usually ignore you because you have no idea what you're talking
> about.
I pointed out the double standards. I also pointed out that
you were talking rubbish about me in a particularly nasty
way. If anyone cares, I'm happy to quote post numbers to
prove it.
In short, please refrain from spreading nasty lies about me.
-----------------
poster: Blackthorne
subject: >>>>>>>>A poem for you all :)
date: Sat Jan 25 22:37:04 2003
And Tahnval draws out his gleaming blade to protect his name from
being besmirched...I think this has gone on long enough. A new joke
please!
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: Testing
date: Sun Jan 26 00:13:32 2003
A spic, a nigger, and some white trash are walking down the beach.
They come across a tarnished old lamp, which the spic pics up and
examines as they
walk along the beach. Finally the nigger says, "Rub it man I want to
see if there;is a genie inside. The spic laugh at him, but just to
be sure humors the nigger;and gives the lamp a rub. Sure enough a
genie comes out of the lamp, offering;to give each of them one
wish.
The spic goes first and says that he would like all of his friends,
familily and
fellow spics to be out of america and back living in mexico, and he
wants every
one to be free and happy.
The genie snaps his fingers, says, "It shall be done." and the spic
disappears.
The nigger goes next, and thinks that what the spic had wished for was
a very noble thing, and so requests that all of his familiy and fellow niggers
be back in africa, with every one being free and living a happy full life.
The genie snaps his fingers, says, "It shall be done." and the
nigger disappears.
Now it is the white guys turn, He ponders this for a moment.
idle korthrun
notidle
The man looks at the genie and asks, "Let me get this right. All the
spics are;out of america and in mexico, and all the niggers are out
of america and in africa?"
"That is correct", the genie replies.
"Ill have coke.", says the white man.
ok remember now ITS JUST A JOKE, please forget that I used such
terms in the name of
humor.
-----------------
poster: Switchblade
subject: >Testing
date: Sun Jan 26 05:01:08 2003
On Sun Jan 26 00:13:32 2003 Korthrun wrote post #239:
> A spic, a nigger, and some white trash are walking down the beach.
> They come across a tarnished old lamp, which the spic pics up and
> examines as they
> walk along the beach. Finally the nigger says, "Rub it man I want to
> see if there;is a genie inside. The spic laugh at him, but just to
> be sure humors the nigger;and gives the lamp a rub. Sure enough a
> genie comes out of the lamp, offering;to give each of them one
> wish.
> The spic goes first and says that he would like all of his friends,
> familily and
> fellow spics to be out of america and back living in mexico, and he
> wants every
> one to be free and happy.
> The genie snaps his fingers, says, "It shall be done." and the spic
> disappears.
> The nigger goes next, and thinks that what the spic had wished for was
> a very noble thing, and so requests that all of his familiy and fellow
niggers
> be back in africa, with every one being free and living a happy full life.
> The genie snaps his fingers, says, "It shall be done." and the
> nigger disappears.
> Now it is the white guys turn, He ponders this for a moment.
> idle korthrun
> notidle
> The man looks at the genie and asks, "Let me get this right. All the
> spics are;out of america and in mexico, and all the niggers are out
> of america and in africa?"
> "That is correct", the genie replies.
> "Ill have coke.", says the white man.
> ok remember now ITS JUST A JOKE, please forget that I used such
> terms in the name of
> humor.
that's bs.. you're still left with chinks, kikes, and wops.. wtf coke?!?!
(i'm joking, of course.. if you hadn't figured that out..)
also there are still swedes! fffeeeear
-----------------
poster: Switchblade
subject: racial epithets
date: Sun Jan 26 05:04:45 2003
oh, this is a neat website.. i found it interesting just to see what
creative minds we all have.. a personal favorite is
50's: refers to Canadians, because The favorite beer of choice by
French Canadians in Quebec is Labatts 50
http://rsdb.fuck.org/
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: >>>>A poem for you all :)
date: Sun Jan 26 09:30:01 2003
On Sat Jan 25 00:21:30 2003 Tahnval wrote post #230:
> > > oh btw im not going to call you man
> > > im going to be a hypcryt instead
> > > yes must be woman
> > I took the poem as a joke. I guess having a sense of humor isn't as
> > common as it used to be.
>
> Or maybe considering sexism and hypocrisy funny isn't as
> common as it used to be.
>
> I certainly hope so.
I think sexism and hypocrisy are HILARIOUS
-----------------
poster: Tranquil
subject: >>>>>>A poem for you all :)
date: Mon Jan 27 05:27:09 2003
On Sat Jan 25 16:42:09 2003 Tahnval wrote post #233:
> On Sat Jan 25 05:48:23 2003 Krellen wrote post #231:
> > You're the world's biggest killjoy, Tahnval. You make it sound like
> > men can't do anything because of all the women in the world. Step
> > off.
> Please refrain from talkng rubbish about me.
>
> I object to some antifemale sexism.
>
> You say nothing.
>
> I object to some antimale sexism.
>
> You post some silly ad hominem that I don't think you
> can actually believe.
>
> Examine your own double-standards, please.
As a berdace, i think you're all silly. Try accepting jokes with a
pinch of salt. Who cares if they could be construed as 'derogatory'
against anyone? There are plenty of jokes that can be construed that
way, about anyone and everyone, no matter what race, creed,
religion, gender, nationality, or any other defining factor.
Basically, lighten up. Humor is for fun, and i will make jokes
equally about some group i class myself as belonging to, as i will
about some group i do not. Many other people are the same, so if you
have nothing constructive to say, i suggest you chew on your ankles
before the words come out, rather than afterwards.
Thankyou
-----------------
poster: Tahnval
subject: >>>>>>>A poem for you all :)
date: Mon Jan 27 05:49:55 2003
Thank you...and please read what I was replying to.
Thank you again.
-----------------
poster: Kasma
subject: moan
date: Wed Jan 29 23:01:57 2003
moan
-----------------
poster: Chewba
subject: Fwd: Re: Fwd: zzZ
date: Sat Feb 1 14:41:11 2003
Hello, my name is Kori. I suffer from the guilt of not
forwarding 50 billion f****** chain letters sent to me by people who
actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in
Arkansas with a
breast on her forehead and an ear growing on her arse will
be able to
raise enough money to shi*?
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give
you, and
everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are
you ?
Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a
wish, I'll get laid by every good looking person in the magazine!"
What a load of crap. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come
into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing
a chain that was started by Peter in 5AD and brought to the USA by
midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.
F*** them!
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're
actually contributing to by sending out these forwards.
Chances are, it's your own unpopularity. The point being?
If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you
shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, F*** it off by deleting it.
If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making
them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been
tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5
cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.
Oh, by the way ...
NO COMPANY HAS ANY WAY OF TRACKING E-MAIL OUTSIDE THEIR
SYSTEM - NO, NOT EVEN MICROSOFT!!! THERE IS NO SUCH TECHNOLOGY - YET!!!!!!.
Now forward this to everyone you know.
Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and
will consume your genitals.
-----------------
poster: Zavier
subject: >Fwd: Re: Fwd: zzZ
date: Mon Feb 3 07:38:12 2003
cough Deflect is DOWN
That has to be the most refreshing mudmail in a while. Thanks Chewb =]
-----------------
poster: Tak
subject: >>Fwd: Re: Fwd: zzZ
date: Mon Feb 3 07:39:48 2003
hi, what was the mudmail?
if it was funny, would be nice to see it :)
tak
&&
-----------------
poster: Zavier
subject: >Fwd: Re: Fwd: zzZ
date: Mon Feb 3 07:42:27 2003
On Sat Feb 1 14:41:11 2003 Chewba wrote post #246:
> Hello, my name is Kori. I suffer from the guilt of not
> forwarding 50 billion f****** chain letters sent to me by people who
> actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in
> Arkansas with a
> breast on her forehead and an ear growing on her arse will
> be able to
> raise enough money to shi*?
> Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give
> you, and
> everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are
> you ?
> Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a
> wish, I'll get laid by every good looking person in the magazine!"
> What a load of crap. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come
> into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing
> a chain that was started by Peter in 5AD and brought to the USA by
> midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.
> F*** them!
> Show a little intelligence and think about what you're
> actually contributing to by sending out these forwards.
> Chances are, it's your own unpopularity. The point being?
> If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you
> shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, F*** it off by deleting it.
> If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making
> them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been
> tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5
> cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.
> Oh, by the way ...
> NO COMPANY HAS ANY WAY OF TRACKING E-MAIL OUTSIDE THEIR
> SYSTEM - NO, NOT EVEN MICROSOFT!!! THERE IS NO SUCH TECHNOLOGY - YET!!!!!!.
> Now forward this to everyone you know.
> Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and
> will consume your genitals.
Jokes 246 (leer tak)
-----------------
poster: Tranquil
subject: >>Fwd: Re: Fwd: zzZ
date: Mon Feb 3 08:36:34 2003
I read this yesterday, and this morning, my panties jumped out of my
wardrobe drawer, leaped at my crotch, and to protect myself, I
turned around.. Those panties devoured my ass! So this chain letter
is fake! My genitalia is still in full working order!
Speaking of which, rates are as per usual, with a slight discount
for group booking.
thx k bi
-----------------
poster: Wagro
subject: If You're Happy And You Know It Bomb Iraq (ROFL)
date: Tue Feb 4 04:15:34 2003
Taken from http://www.commondreams.org/views02/1216-06.htm
If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi,
And your alibi is shoddy,
And your tastes remain quite gaudy,
Bomb Iraq.
If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think that SUVs,
Are the best thing since sliced cheese,
And your father you must please,
Bomb Iraq.
If the globe is quickly warming, bomb Iraq.
If the poor will soon be storming, bomb Iraq.
We assert that might makes right,
Burning oil is a delight,
For the empire we will fight,
Bomb Iraq.
If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think that someone's dissed us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.
If corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain’t easy,
And your manhood’s getting queasy,
Bomb Iraq.
Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
For our might now knows no borders, bomb Iraq.
Disagree? We’ll call it treason,
It's the make war not love season,
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.
Hahahahaha
-----------------
poster: Nol
subject: Damn!
date: Wed Feb 5 21:40:31 2003
The funniest video I have ever seen
-----------------
poster: Nol
subject: >Damn!
date: Wed Feb 5 21:41:04 2003
oops
http://www.robhoran.com/videos/Video_Play.asp?Video_ID=358
-----------------
poster: Wildchild
subject: humerous dragonlance site
date: Sat Feb 8 05:00:19 2003
Well, the site claims itself to have been "resurrected" recently,
and I wish I had checked it out more when it was first up and
running, because if you are a Dragonlance fan, this site is just
hilarious.
http://www.dragonlanceunderground.com
-WildChild
-----------------
poster: Malifix
subject: vampires
date: Sun Feb 9 01:32:30 2003
Got this from Reader's Digest. 3 vampires go into a vampire bar to
order drinks. first vampire tells waitress, ill have blood, second
vampire says 'ill have blood too', third vampire says ill have
plasma.
Waitress says, 'lets see if i have this right. That's 2 bloods and
a blood light.
-----------------
poster: Korthrun
subject: Math And Horses
date: Wed Feb 12 05:35:51 2003
There was once a very brilliant horse, who mastered arithmetic,
algebra, plane geometry, and trigonometry.
When presented with problems in analytic geometry however the horse
would kick, neigh, and struggle deperatly.
Apparently you can't put Descartes before the horse.
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH *slaps kneww*
er knee
-----------------
poster: Proxima
subject: Magical Beer.
date: Sat Feb 15 02:30:55 2003
A guy and a girl are talking in a bar, and the guy suddenly realizes
he wants a drink.
So he asks the bartender, "Can I get a magical beer?" Sure, says
the bartender, and he gives
it to him. The man drinks the beer, and says, God damn! that was a
good beer! and gets up,
'Fevered Strength Down.
jumps out the window, and flies around the building, and comes back
in. Then he sits down.
The girl says wow, that is some neat stuff. He then realizes he
wants another, and says
Can you get me another magical beer? coming up says the bartender.
He then drinks the beer,
and says hot momma! that was a great beer! and jumps out the window,
flies around, and comes back in.
The girl says well, I should try one of those! so he orders her a
magical beer, and she drinks it,
jumps out the window, and falls to the ground dead.
The bartender then says, "You sure are a dick when your drunk superman."
-----------------
poster: Tantrum
subject: LISTEN HERE WOMANS!
date: Mon Feb 17 04:52:06 2003
MALE RULES
> >
> >
> >
> > We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
> from
> > the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered
"1"
> > ON PURPOSE! Print this out and remember it. And don't moan.
> >
> >
> >
> > If you're a Man, pass to your partner for a greater understanding.
> >
> > If you're a woman keep it somewhere prominent like on the fridge!
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
> > down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about
> you
> > leaving it down.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we
> can
> > find the perfect present yet again!
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. Saturday 3D sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
> tides.
> > Let it be.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
> short
> > hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married
> women
> > always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that
> > way.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. Crying is blackmail.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not
> > work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
> calendar.
> > Remind us frequently beforehand.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd
> be
> > any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with
your
> > dress?
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what
> > we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. Check your oil! Please.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact,
> > all comments become null and void after 7 days.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
> > answer.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
> > makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway
it's genetic.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done.
> > Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
> > commercials.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. Christopher Columbous did not need directions, and neither do we.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months
> we
> > were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach,
> for
> > example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
mind-reading
> > ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
> nothing's
> > wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you
> > don't want to hear.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
> > Really.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
> discuss
> > such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, or motor bikes.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. You have enough clothes.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. You have too many shoes.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. No you really do have too many shoes.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz
together.
> > No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. Thank you for reading this
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
> > tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
-----------------
poster: Tantrum
subject: AUSSIE ROCK!
date: Mon Feb 17 05:00:40 2003
> > AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE
> >
> > General RULES:
> > * Never take a beer to a job interview.
> > * Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
> > * It's tacky to take an esky to church.
> > * If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the
> > sheets.
> > * Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's
> > rude to
> > take the trailer to the funeral home.
> >
> > DINING OUT:
> > * When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour
> > slowly so as not to "bruise" the wine.
> > * If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with both your
> > hands.
> >
> > ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
> > * A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by
> > a taxidermist.
> > * Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
> > manners.
> >
> > PERSONAL HYGIENE:
> > * While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in
> > private, using one's OWN ute keys.
> > * Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
> > * Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.
> > * Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as they
> > detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of finger
> > foods.
> >
> > DATING (Outside the Family):
> > * Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 1st
> > date.
> > * Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting;> >
to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall;> > 2 years
ago."
> > * Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some
> > will say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is
> > the answer, it's
> > the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
> >
> > THEATER ETIQUETTE:
> > * Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after
> > the movie's ended.
> > * Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
> > proven they can't hear you.
> >
> > WEDDINGS:
> > * Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
> > * Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
> > * For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A track suit with a
> > cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky
> > appearance.
> > * Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the
> > occasion.
> >
> > DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
> > * Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's
> > loaded and the pig's in sight.
> > * When approaching a round-about, the vehicle with the largest
> > tyres doesn't always have the right of way.
> > * Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
> > * Don't burn rubber while travelling in a funeral procession.
> > * When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's
> > impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too.
> >
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: things i wrote
date: Tue Feb 18 06:09:15 2003
http://www.geocities.com/fishtobaskets/poems
send me yer stuff if you'd like... to the email in finger =)
-----------------
poster: Malifix
subject: turnabout
date: Fri Feb 21 03:20:35 2003
Huge football lineman marries a little slip of a woman.
On their honeymoon he takes off his pants and gives them to his new
bride. Tells her to put them on
Honey, she says, i cant wear these, they are way too big.
That's right, he replies, -I- wear the pants in this family. The
sooner you realize that, the better.
She thinks a while, then takes off her panties and hands them to
him. Put these on, she says.
These, are too small honey, he says. I can't get into these.
Thats right, she says. And that's the way its gonna stay until your
attitude changes
-----------------
poster: Malifix
subject: blond joke - skip is such offends
date: Wed Feb 26 05:07:36 2003
Blonde calls her boyfriend. Almost in tears, she asks him to come
over and help her do the puzzle she is working on.
She tells him that the has all the pieces on the table and she cant
even figure out how to get started.
"Do you know what it's supposed to be?" he asks.
"Well," she replies, "from the picture on the box I know its
supposed to be a tiger."
So the boyfriend comes over, takes one look at the table and shakes his head.
The blond says "What? Can't you help me? What should I do"
"Well," he drawls, "what you can do is make me a sandwich while I
put these corn flakes back in the box"
-----------------
poster: Kasma
subject: Funny Joke
date: Thu Feb 27 05:02:47 2003
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
"Damn"
LOLOL
-----------------
poster: Celine
subject: dirRrr...
date: Thu Feb 27 05:45:44 2003
How does a crazy person get through a forest?
They use the psychopath
-----------------
poster: Lorric
subject: jokes
date: Fri Feb 28 22:02:14 2003
How do you make a tissue dance? Ya put a little boogie in it
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: attention please
date: Fri Feb 28 23:54:57 2003
jeffk took over cliff yablonski for this week...
i peed my pants
http://www.somethingawful.com/ihateyou/
-----------------
poster: Kasma
subject: Why did the chicken cross the road?
date: Sun Mar 2 22:18:34 2003
http://www.univox.com/writer/chicken.html
ahaha lol
ehehe
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: my new favorite song
date: Mon Mar 3 07:40:46 2003
http://tlf.cx/dearpenis.swf
omg
-----------------
poster: Tantrum
subject: ICC world cup memorabilia
date: Mon Mar 10 05:03:41 2003
A unique opportunity has arisen to purchase these limited edition pieces
of
memorabilia from the ICC World Cup. There will only be 500 of these
released
worldwide so be in quick. The picture captures Mark Boucher in a
splendid
forward defensive stroke and Lance Klusener happily leaning on his bat
at the
non-strikers end as the last ball of the 45th over of South Africa's
innings is
bowled. It captures perfectly the moment when the South African
management had a
brain melt and assured the batsmen that 229 was enough for victory, when
they
needed 230 to advance to the Super Six. The picture is titled
"Not;a-f**king-gain" and will sell at $1000 + p & p.
For an extra $500 you can also buy "Oh f**k it!", the limited edition
picture
from the 1999 World Cup capturing the sheer confusion of the moment when
Allan
Donald had a brain melt and forgot how to run.
Why not buy the boxed set of "South African Cricket - Why we have
never;won the;f**in World Cup" which includes the previously
unreleased "You've got to;be;f**king joking!", a picture which
captures the looks on the faces of the
South
African batsmen faces after the big screen flashes up that the revised
target
they were chasing for victory vs. England in the 1992 World Cup Semi
-----------------
poster: Tantrum
subject: dont try this at home guys!
date: Mon Mar 10 05:08:23 2003
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
complaining to
her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her its not so, the husband
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece
of;toilet;paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet
paper,
and
stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet
paper;between;my;breasts every day will make my breasts grow over
the years?"
Worked for your butt, didn't it?
He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again
-----------------
poster: Draco
subject: how to decipher those personal ads
date: Mon Mar 10 19:07:30 2003
>40-ish.....................49
>Adventurer..........Slept with all your friends
>Athletic.......................No tits
>Average looking.......Has a face like a basset hound
>Beautiful...................Pathological liar
>Emotionally Secure.......Medicated
>Feminist.................... Ugly ball buster
>Free spirit.................Junkie
>Friendship first.........Trying to live down reputation as a slut
>Fun.............................Annoying
>Gentle...................... Comatose
>Good Listener......... Borderline Autistic
>New-Age..............All body hair, all the time
>Old-fashioned............Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
>Open-minded............Desperate
>Outgoing...................Loud and Embarrassing
>Passionate................Sloppy drunk
>Poet....................Depressive Schizophrenic
>Professional..............Certified Bitch
>Redhead....................Bad dye-job
>Romantic............Looks better by candle light
>Social.........Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray
>Wants Soulmate........Stalker
>Widow.......Drove first husband to shoot himself
>Young at heart............Old bat vv
-----------------
poster: Nol
subject: Eehurhur
date: Thu Mar 13 18:54:52 2003
Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist
lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later
he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms
and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won
a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a
guy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a
train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was
the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United
States."
-----------------
poster: Monkey
subject: The Pink Dog
date: Sat Mar 15 06:09:21 2003
A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says,
Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have
a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.
Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.
Another trip to the yard and when it's finished there are bits of pit-bull
terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, Say what breed
is that anyway?
The owner says, Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the
same breed as every other alligator.
-----------------
poster: Litho
subject: >The Pink Dog
date: Sat Mar 15 07:47:31 2003
On Sat Mar 15 06:09:21 2003 Monkey wrote post #276:
>
> Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.
>
> Another trip to the yard and when it's finished there are bits of pit-bull
> terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, Say what breed
> is that anyway?
>
> The owner says, Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the
> same breed as every other alligator.
>
This made me laugh, tx
-----------------
poster: Fox
subject: >=-)
date: Sun Mar 16 02:54:40 2003
http://isd.usc.edu/~barney/Pics/romance.swf
don't close it... listen to the whole thing... it's kewl!
-----------------
poster: Kasma
subject: OMG LOL
date: Sat Mar 22 06:37:34 2003
http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail58.html
AHAHA
OMG LOL
AHAHA
-----------------
poster: Uno
subject: >OMG LOL
date: Sat Mar 22 07:08:06 2003
On Sat Mar 22 06:37:34 2003 Kasma wrote post #279:
> http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail58.html
> AHAHA
> OMG LOL
> AHAHA
p.s. no offense but for some reason i haven't been able to find
strongbad funny yet...
i think it might have something to do with the fact that i was
dating a desperate girl who liked him only because she thought it
might impress me....
but i tried really hard to like him and i don't
no offense
but i think it's ok that you like him, i just don't know if it's worth an
AHAHA
or an OMG LOL
or even a (wtf beav eheh)
if you think otherwise plz send nude pix to my emale
akeeping@sigecom.net
if you think i'm right then plz stop wearing wrestling masks
and walking around topless you dirty man
yuck
boxing gross
yuk
-----------------
poster: Tranquil
subject: Success?
date: Sun Mar 23 14:53:58 2003
At age 04 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
-----------------
poster: Tranquil
subject: Been drinking?
date: Sun Mar 23 14:55:53 2003
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me I'll just have a Ballygowan
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening Guard, you're doing a great job
Oh, I just couldn't, no one wants to hear me sing
No, I don't want curry sauce with that
Yes I would like you to help me walk
-----------------
poster: Tranquil
subject: Ahh, that great subject; Life
date: Sun Mar 23 14:58:47 2003
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge... Mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the joy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; Growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
-----------------
poster: Reamus
subject: A thought.
date: Tue Mar 25 21:29:59 2003
"I would argue that the Buch Doctrine of the right of America to
engage in pre-emptive wars in order to prevent acts of terrorism in
an age of weapons of mass destruction is, in reality, a logical
extention of the Monroe Doctrine. And god, the Bush Doctrine. Do you
know how horny that makes me? I get all hot and wet just thinking
about the Bush Doctrine." - Glenda Glandz (porn star)
(Unkie) Reamus
-----------------
poster: Aurik
subject: Dedicated to Snoop
date: Tue Mar 25 21:37:45 2003
A beautiful, slim, sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural
pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her
immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face
closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both
hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I
need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard
and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.
"Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a
message," she continued, running her forefinger across the
bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his
mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or
paper towels in the ladies room."
-----------------
poster: Quillz
subject: Trip to the store
date: Wed Mar 26 02:40:21 2003
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about
5 minutes.
When I came out, there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how bout giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket, so I call him a
pencil-necked Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for the car
having worn tires!
So I called him a piece of horse-shit. Still ignoring me, he
finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first.
Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes...the more I insulted and abused
him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a damn!
My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day.
It's important.
Q
-----------------
poster: Pedron
subject: >Trip to the store
date: Wed Mar 26 02:49:54 2003
roflmao. :)
-----------------
poster: Fox
subject: HILARIOUS!!!
date: Fri Mar 28 08:35:51 2003
Visit this site, you'll have a blast and a half!!!
http://www.mostannoyingwebpage.com/v1/index2.html
Enjoy!! >8-)
Foxx
-----------------
poster: Tantrum
subject: Foxxy
date: Sun Mar 30 13:10:02 2003
OMG that is THE COOLEST SITE I HAVE EVER SEEN!!
my face hurts now from laughing so hard.
-----------------
poster: Malifix
subject: >A thought.
date: Sun Mar 30 18:20:15 2003
On Tue Mar 25 21:29:59 2003 Reamus wrote post #285:
> "I would argue that the Buch Doctrine of the right of America to
> engage in pre-emptive wars in order to prevent acts of terrorism in
> an age of weapons of mass destruction is, in reality, a logical
> extention of the Monroe Doctrine. And god, the Bush Doctrine. Do you
> know how horny that makes me? I get all hot and wet just thinking
> about the Bush Doctrine." - Glenda Glandz (porn star)
>
> (Unkie) Reamus
Perhaps Bin Laden knocked down the trade center in an attempt to
prevent us from committing further acts of terrorism against them -
and if you think we haven't been doing that you haven't been paying
attention. I agree with the bumber sticker i saw recently. "Screw
Iraq - Liberate America"
Malifix the Mad
-----------------
poster: Malifix
subject: >Trip to the store
date: Sun Mar 30 18:22:24 2003
On Wed Mar 26 02:40:21 2003 Quillz wrote post #287:
> I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about
> 5 minutes.
> When I came out, there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
> So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how bout giving a guy a
break?"
> He ignored me and continued writing the ticket, so I call him a
> pencil-necked Nazi.
> He glared at me and started writing another ticket for the car
> having worn tires!
> So I called him a piece of horse-shit. Still ignoring me, he
> finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
> first.
> Then he started writing a third ticket!
> This went on for about 20 minutes...the more I insulted and abused
> him, the more tickets he wrote.
> I didn't give a damn!
>
>
> My car was parked around the corner.
>
>
> I try to have a little fun each day.
>
>
> It's important.
>
>
> Q
ROFL
-----------------
poster: Zifnab
subject: funny
date: Sat Apr 5 02:13:17 2003
Thought anyone with kids might enjoy this..
http://www.cutestuf.com/flash_0203/splishsplashbaby.swf
-----------------
poster: Katerina
subject: Men Write Diaries Too!
date: Tue Apr 8 06:40:32 2003
Dear Diary
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women
differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole venus and
mars thing. And, I never figured out why men think with their head
and women think with their heart. And I never yet have figured out
how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when
it hears the words "I do".
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well,
the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me".
I said "WHAT??????" So she says the words that I and every husband
on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with
her emotional needs as a woman. I'm thinking "What was her first
clue?".
I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I
went to sleep. The very next day, we went shopping at a big unnamed
department store.........
I walked around with her while she tried on three different very
expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take so I told
her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants
matching shoes worth $200.00 a pair to which I say ok. And then now
go to the jewellery Dept where she gets a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you........ She was so excited. She must have thought
that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she
cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis
bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I think I threw her
for a loop when I told her that it was ok.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have
seen her face when she said "I'm ready to go to the cash register".
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey I don't
feel like buying all this stuff now."
You should have seen her face ...... it went completely blank. I
then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while". And just when she had this look like she was going to kill
me I added "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a
Man".
I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring of 2008.
-----------------
poster: Pedron
subject: >Men Write Diaries Too!
date: Tue Apr 8 16:27:51 2003
rofl. Excellent. :)
-----------------
poster: Bluemoon
subject: >>Men Write Diaries Too!
date: Wed Apr 9 07:54:58 2003
On Tue Apr 8 16:27:51 2003 Pedron wrote post #295:
> rofl. Excellent. :)
omg, you're my hero kiliana :)
*8
-----------------
poster: Bluemoon
subject: English Vs. French
date: Mon Apr 14 20:58:02 2003
A long time ago, the english and the french were at war.
One day an English Major was captured by the French and was interrogated.
say GRAP IS DOWN FLEEEE
Out of curiosity, the French General asked the English Major, "Why
are all your coats red? Do you not know it makes you easier targets
for us to see?"
The English Major responded by say, "It is so that when we are shot,
the blood will not show and the men we lead wont be afraid."
It is from that day on, that all French officers now wear brown pants.
-----------------
poster: Blizz
subject: Gotta Love the Marines!
date: Wed Apr 16 18:45:36 2003
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other
day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him
concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun
laws you gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines
of all time.
It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a
female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was
about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military
installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going
to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing,canoeing,
archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on
the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly
dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper
rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but
you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!
-----------------
poster: Switchblade
subject: hear hear!
date: Thu Apr 17 16:56:31 2003
A Case for More Beer
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and
when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the
back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the
herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole
group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills
off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain
cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine.
-----------------
poster: Warchief
subject: Day at the Urinal
date: Tue Apr 22 20:48:21 2003
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to
the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking
care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going
to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks
Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure,
I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says,
"OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies,
"Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and
red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks
something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob
points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says,
"No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy
pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't
touching it."
-----------------
poster: Wildchild
subject: fun site
date: Fri Apr 25 03:58:38 2003
http://www.geocities.com/firefop/