-----------------

poster: Kazulanth
subject: Crossing a river
date: Sat Mar 31 04:28:15 2001

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large
raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no
idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength
to cross this river. Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he
was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost
drowning a couple of times
 Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God,  give
me the strength and the tools to cross this river. Poof ! God gave him a
rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after
almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also
prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the
tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river." And poof! God
turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple
of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.


-----------------

poster: Tranquil
subject: >Crossing a river
date: Sat Mar 31 04:37:57 2001

On Sat Mar 31 04:28:15 2001 Kazulanth wrote post #1:
> One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large
> raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no
> idea of how to do so.
> The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength
> to cross this river. Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he
> was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost
> drowning a couple of times
>  Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God,  give
> me the strength and the tools to cross this river. Poof ! God gave him a
> rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after
> almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
> The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also
> prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the
> tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river." And poof! God
> turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple
> of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
> 
And theres no mention of the man who interpereted the map for that
woman? We all know that women cannot read maps. C'mon, give us the
rest of the joke too =p

-----------------

poster: Kazulanth
subject: >>Crossing a river
date: Sat Mar 31 06:59:51 2001

On Sat Mar 31 04:37:57 2001 Tranquil wrote post #2:
> On Sat Mar 31 04:28:15 2001 Kazulanth wrote post #1:
> > One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large
> > raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no
> > idea of how to do so.
> > The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength
> > to cross this river. Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he
> > was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost
> > drowning a couple of times
> >  Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God,  give
> > me the strength and the tools to cross this river. Poof ! God gave him a
> > rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after
> > almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
> > The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also
> > prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the
> > tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river." And poof! God
> > turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple
> > of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
> > 
> And theres no mention of the man who interpereted the map for that
> woman? We all know that women cannot read maps. C'mon, give us the
> rest of the joke too =p

Well it is true that women are not as good as men at reading maps,
because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling
fifty miles.

-----------------

poster: Nyx
subject: >>>Crossing a river
date: Mon Apr  2 07:37:41 2001

On Sat Mar 31 06:59:51 2001 Kazulanth wrote post #3:
> On Sat Mar 31 04:37:57 2001 Tranquil wrote post #2:
> > On Sat Mar 31 04:28:15 2001 Kazulanth wrote post #1:
> > > One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large
> > > raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no
> > > idea of how to do so.
> > > The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength
> > > to cross this river. Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he
> > > was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost
> > > drowning a couple of times
> > >  Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God,  give
> > > me the strength and the tools to cross this river. Poof ! God gave him a
> > > rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after
> > > almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
> > > The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also
> > > prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the
> > > tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river." And poof! God
> > > turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple
> > > of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
> > > 
> > And theres no mention of the man who interpereted the map for that
> > woman? We all know that women cannot read maps. C'mon, give us the
> > rest of the joke too =p
> 
> Well it is true that women are not as good as men at reading maps,
> because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling
> fifty miles.
HAHAHAHAHAHA. Okay, that was even better then the joke.

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: >>>>Crossing a river
date: Tue Apr  3 01:50:44 2001

On Mon Apr  2 07:37:41 2001 Nyx wrote post #4:
> > On Sat Mar 31 04:37:57 2001 Tranquil wrote post #2:
> > > > One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large
> > > > idea of how to do so.
> > > > to cross this river. Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs,
and he
> > > > drowning a couple of times
> > > > me the strength and the tools to cross this river. Poof ! God gave
him a
> > > > almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
> > > > prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the
> > > > turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a
couple
> > > > 
> > > woman? We all know that women cannot read maps. C'mon, give us the
> > > rest of the joke too =p
> > 
> > Well it is true that women are not as good as men at reading maps,
> > because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling
> > fifty miles.
> HAHAHAHAHAHA. Okay, that was even better then the joke.
The editor really sucks...no wonder massive over-quoting is the norm...
Hmm.....1" = 50 miles...so I'd have to get someone in northern
Scotland to scratch the end of my dick?  I don't think so.  It's a
wierd thought though....how would you prevent them getting
entangled, with 300+mile long dicks all over the place?

-----------------

poster: Tigran
subject: >character names
date: Tue Apr  3 03:40:32 2001

(Originally in ideas)
On Tue Apr  3 03:27:48 2001 Pedron wrote post #12:
> Maybe make it so characters 2k worth under 
> an hour old don't save.  I keep running into 
> names taken by level 1 4 minute old players when I 
> try to name my familiars something humorous. ;>
> Might lso help to keep names clear for people who really 
> want to play on red dragon.
> 
> -pedron
We'll just pwipe and then the first person able to make familiars is
less likely to have a problem with Familiar names conflicting with
player names.

T

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: The Blues
date: Wed Apr  4 00:26:39 2001

The Blues.....

1. Most Blues begin with, "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you
sticksomething nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman, with
themeanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat
it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of: "Got a good woman with
the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she
weigh 500 pound." (Subjects and verbs must not agree.)

4. The Blues are not about choice. "You stuck in a ditch, you stuck
in aditch; ain't no way out."

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues
don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a
Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored
motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in
the blues lifestyle. So does "fixin' to die."

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to
get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any
place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression.
Chicago, St.Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the
Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with
male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the
blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall.
Lighting's wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway; b. jailhouse; c. empty
bed; d.bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places: a. Ashrams; b. gallery
openings; c.Ivy League institutions; d. golf courses.

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, "less you
happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it".

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you're older
than dirt; b. you're blind; c. you shot a man in Memphis; d. you can't
be satisfied. No, if: a. you have all your teeth; b. you were once
blind but now can see; c. the man in Memphis lived; d. you have a
retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger
Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also
got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap red wine; b. whiskey or
bourbon; c.muddy water; and d. black coffee. The following are NOT
Blues beverages: a.mixed drinks; b. kosher wine; c. Snapple; d.
sparkling water.

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to
die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a
broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a
tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie; b. Big Mama; c. Bessie; d.
Fat River Dumpling.

17. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe; b. Willie; c. Little Willie; d.
Big Willie; e. Big Blind Willie; f. Fat Willie.

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow
can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit): a. name of physical
infirmity(Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.); b. first name (see above) plus
name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.); c. last name of President
(Jefferson, Johnson,Fillmore, etc.). For example, Blind Lime Jefferson,
Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: you owns a computer, you can
NOT singthe blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad
Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I
don't care. Jes get rid of it

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Love, Lust, Marriage
date: Wed Apr  4 03:35:10 2001

> > > >LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
> > > >LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
> > > >MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.
> > > >
> > > >LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."'
> > > >LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
> > > >MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.
> > > >
> > > >LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
> > > >LUST - When you argue over who gets on top.
> > > >MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.
> > > >
> > > >LOVE - When you share everything you own.
> > > >LUST - When you steal everything they own.
> > > >MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.
> > > >
> > > >LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
> > > >LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
> > > >MARRIAGE - When ... uh ... what's a climax?
> > > >
> > > >LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
> > > >LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
> > > >MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch about work.
> > > >
> > > >LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
> > > >LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
> > > >MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.
> > > >
> > > >LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
> > > >LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all
> around.
> > > >MARRIAGE - When you're only concern as to what's on TV.
> > > >
> > > >LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your
> partner.
> > > >LUST - When you only see each other naked.
> > > >MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.
> > > >
> > > >LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
> > > >LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
> > > >MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.
> > > >
> > > >LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you
> feel.
> > > >LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
> > > >MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.
> > > >
> > > >LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
> > > >LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think
> about.
> > > >MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only
> thought.
> > > >
> > > >LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your
> partner.
> > > >LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your
> partner.
> > > >MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.
> > > >
> > > >LOVE-When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
> > > >LUST-When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have
> sex.
> > > >MARRIAGE-When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: White Trash
date: Wed Apr  4 03:42:11 2001

Top 10 Signs You Married White Trash

10. He thinks he could be a doctor because he knows how to use a
comb to get rid of hickies.

9. He uses the casting couch for home movies.

8. Your first dance with your husband at your wedding was "To All
The Girls I've Loved Before."

7. The disaster preparedness kit in the shed out back consists of a
jug of water, a flashlight, a radio, a case of
Spam, and the Pam and Tommy Lee video.

6. He's got a shed out back

5. The standard collection of reading material on your coffee table
includes the most recent issue of the Auto
Trader, WCW Weekly, and your husband's high school yearbook.

4. You've ever asked him, "So, how'd you lose your finger?"

3. There's a bumper sticker on his El Camino that says, "Dad's Pad
When Mom's Mad."

2. There's someone on your husband's side of the family who insists
upon being called The Colonel.

1. Your husband owns more belt buckles than he does ties. 

-----------------

poster: Rizzly
subject: Quayludes
date: Wed Apr  4 23:56:10 2001

These are some quotes from Dan Quayle that I found in a book.  I
think they're pretty funny.

I am the future (Dan Quayle campaigning in 1988.)
The real question for 1988 is whether we're going to go forward to
tomorrow or past to the -- to the back! (Dan Quayle Campaigning in
1988.)
Rebublicans understand the importance of bondage between parent and
child. (Dan Quayle in 1988, on bonding between parents and
children.)
Bobby Knight told me, "There is nothing that a good defense cannot
beat a better offense."  In other words, a good offense wins. (Dan
Quayle in 1988, confusing his audience at the City Club of
Chicago.)
I think, unfortunately, I had to be the target, that this bimbo
thing was going to be applied to men someday, and I hate it. (Dan
Quayle in 1988, not long after he said that he had "not lived in
this century.")
You all look like happy campers to me.  Happy campers you are. 
Happy campers you have been.  And, as far as I am concernced, happy
campers you will always be. (Dan Quayle in 1989, addressing a group
of dignitaries from Samoa.)
Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific.  It is
_in_ the Pacific.  It is a part of the United States that is an
island that is right here. (Dan Quayle in 1989, during a visit to
Hawaii.)
The destruction, it just is very heart-rendering. (Dan Quayle in
1989, assessing the damage after the San Francisco earthquake that
year.)
I stand by all the mis-statements. (Dan Quayle in 1989, on his
oratorial slip-ups.)
I love California; I grew up in Phoenix. (Dan Quayle in 1992,
responding to a question about his ability to help the GOP ticket
carry California that year.)
Make no mistake about it: Operation Desert Storm was a victory of
good over evil, of freedom over tyranny, of peace over war. (Dan
Quayle to a Memorial Day audience in 1991.)

Rizzly

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Lexus
date: Thu Apr  5 13:50:56 2001

A successful lawyer parked his new Lexus in front of his
office. As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore
off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately
grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911. Within minutes a cop
pulled up. The lawyer started screaming hysterically. His
Lexus, which he had just picked up, was now ruined. 
When the
lawyer finally calmed down, the cop shook his head in disgust
and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are.
You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else," said the officer. "How can you say such a
thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Your left arm is
missing from the elbow down! It must have been torn off when
the truck hit you." "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's
my Rolex?" 


-----------------

poster: Palenon
subject: Proper Definition of Rank
date: Fri Apr  6 07:56:29 2001

                          Milspeak 101
General
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.

Colonel
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if the sea is calm.
Talks with God.

Lt. Colonel
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water in indoor swimming pools.
Talks with God if special request chit is approved.

Major
Barely clears Quonset huts.
Loses tug of war with a locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.

Captain
Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings.
Is run over by locomotives.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog paddles.
Talks to animals.

First Lieutenant
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times.
Is never issued ammunition.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of a Mae West.
Talks to walls.

Second Lieutenant
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings.
Says, "Look at the Choo-Choo."
Wets himself with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Mumbles to himself.

Sergeant (Any)
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off of the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance and skates over it.
Because.......... HE IS GOD!

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: American Rating System
date: Fri Apr  6 18:14:52 2001

AMERICAN MOVIE RATING SYSTEM EXPLAINED

   G:  Nobody gets the girl.

   PG:  The Good Guy Gets The Girl.

   R:  The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.

   X:  Everybody Gets The Girl.

   XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel.

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Cliches
date: Sat Apr  7 01:28:11 2001

Some popular Movie Cliches:

-All members of alien species wear the same outfits.
-Pedestrians in Hollywood have the world's best reactions, so don't
worry if you have to drive down the sidewalk.
-Whenever anyone knows out anyone else and takes their clothes, it's
always a flawless fit.
-In movieland, there's an abundance of currupt helicopter pilots.
-When bringing home bags of grocers in a film, it's required that
you spill at least one bagful on the kitchen floor.
-Any apartment in Pars will have a view of the Eiffel Tower.
-A kid always knows more than an adult.
-Most homicide detectives are brooding, near-crazed loners.


Javi

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: ex girlfriend
date: Sat Apr  7 16:39:21 2001

www.psychoexgirlfriend.com
Javi

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: God
date: Mon Apr  9 10:52:00 2001

What did God say when he created man?














I can do better then that.
Javi

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Man Beef
date: Tue Apr 10 07:16:05 2001

www.manbeef.com
Javi

-----------------

poster: Alisha
subject: Puppet Cafe
date: Wed Apr 11 05:38:01 2001

http://www.henson.com

Go to the Puppet Cafe... it might take awhile to load and whatnot,
but it's VERY worth it.

I greatly suggest "Last Rites".

-- Lish

-----------------

poster: Zifnab
subject: darwin runner up
date: Thu Apr 12 20:58:59 2001


Kind of sick, but it made me laugh....

(23 January 2001, Pennsylvania) 

Every home needs a handyman for those essential home remodeling tasks. 
But not every homeowner knows how to get the job done, so professionals 
are sometimes called in to help. Enter William, 25, whose employer sent 
him to the home of a Bethlehem man to help renovate the basement.

William was using a portable miter saw that requires quite a bit of 
concentration. When our hero's attention slipped, so did the saw, which 
sliced off his hand at the wrist. As if losing a limb weren't bad enough, 
the injured man proceeded to shoot himself in the head a dozen times with 
a pneumatic nail gun in an attempt to end his misery.

The homeowner ventured downstairs to check on the remodeling, but found 
the basement empty. He was about to leave when his dog discovered William
 whimpering in the corner, nails protruding from his scalp.

               
The owner of the company arrived at the scene, located the missing 
limb, wrapped it in a clean plastic sandwich bag, and sent it with 
William to the hospital.
               

At least a dozen 1-1/2 inch nails were removed from William's head 
at St. Luke's Hospital in Fountain Hill, and the severed hand was
 reattached.

-----------------

poster: Zifnab
subject: darwin 2
date: Thu Apr 12 21:03:31 2001

Sewer Shower
2001 Honorable Mentions
Unconfirmed by Darwin

(January 2001, England) Flooding problems at Tangmere 
gave an opportunistic young vandal a good idea - or so 
it seemed at the time. Expecting to create a spectacular
 fountain of water, he disconnected a drainage pipe -
 only to have his pride drenched with liquefied human 
waste, as the drainage pipe he had selected was 
connected to an overflowing septic tank. Although
 he survived to tell the tale, his malodorous shower
 is an indication that this young man may well find 
a Darwin Award in his future.
          

-----------------

poster: Alisha
subject: Zodiac humor. ;)
date: Fri Apr 13 03:56:14 2001

Scorpios are renowned for their "sting" in bed, which is a mixed
blessing. This reputation can be their downfall if they become
victims of their intense passion. Is it any surprise that this sign
rules the pelvis?

The scorpion is blessed with an incredible sense of imagination,
intuition and sexual passion. 

The kicker?
Squee is a Scorpio. ;)

-- Lishie

-----------------

poster: Palenon
subject: Odd Facts
date: Sat Apr 14 07:35:35 2001

Gonna start posting a few of these each day..some are funny..some
are just damn weird and interesting.


                       Hello.

Just about every national group has it's own way of saying "Hello."
"Rejoice" is the greeting of the Greeks.
The Hebrews say, "Peace." The Dutch traditionally say, "May you have
a hearty dinner." The Germans say, "How goes it?" The Poles say,
"Are you happy?"
The Chinese ask, "Is your stomach in order?" But I like the way the
Moors historically delivered their how-do-you-do's.
The Chinese ask, "Is your stomach in order?" But I like the way the
Moors historically delivered their how-do-you-do's.
They rode full tilt down on you, stopped suddenly, then fired a
pistol over your head. That's class.

-Sorry for the double-tap =P

Coffee - The record shows that Persian Sultan Selim I hanged two
doctors simply because they advised him to stop drinking so much
coffee.

Chimps - Dr. Geoffrey H. Bourne of the Yerkes Primate Research
Center said this: "We once had a chimp who could sort photographs of
apes and human beings into two piles. Apes on one pile, humans on
the other. But peculiarly, every time she got to her own picture,
she put it on the pile with the human beings."

Classified - Ad seen in paper - "Personals: To the party who stole
the unattended lawnmower from my front yard: I hope, when you
arrived home, that your mother ran out from underneath the porch,
barked at you, and bit you on the leg."

Red Scent - Why the perfume makers in the Soviet Union have not yet
successfully competed in the worldwide markets may be suggested by
the fact that one of their recently exported scents was named "Black
Casket."

Best-selling canned soup in the People's Republic of China is
labeled "White Fungus."

Ok nuff for now..lemme now if any of u idle news-readers want more =P

Pal out.

-----------------

poster: Einar
subject: Ever thought a law was dumb?
date: Sun Apr 15 02:40:59 2001

http://www.dumblaws.com

-----------------

poster: Palenon
subject: More Odd Facts from Pal
date: Sun Apr 15 05:42:44 2001

Twins - It is possible for a woman to bear twings, each of whom is
the offspring of a different father: medical men agree to that.

Twins have been born as much as a month apart.

The leader of a wolf pack is always a SHE.

Ants won't cross a white chalk line. 

In railroad lingo, if the train runs south, it's described as
westbound, if it runs north it is called eastbound. .. Curious.

Some computers have been known to catch colds. One in California,
for instance, recently shut itself down until it's operator started
covering it each night with and electric blanket.

What is cataplexy? ..  A rare ailment that paralyzes it's victims
when they try to laugh.

The truth about doves .. Bird authorities claim that the emblem of
peace called the dove can be a vicious little monster. It's
merciless, they say, when pecking an opponent to death.

Man is the only animal that will eat with an enemy.

Although Napoleon bathed daily he insisted his Josephine not do so.

In Rumford, Maine, it is against the law to bite your landlord.

Los Angeles employs proffesional skunk hunters.

1 in 166 people have such bad eyesight they can't read an article in
the newspaper even with glasses.

It has been noted the effect your glasses have on your vision
depends on what you drink out of them.

The bite of a mosquito is potentially more dangerous than that of a Tarantula.

The finest paintbrushes are made from the eyelashes of camels.

One egg of the extinct fowl known as the elephant bird could make an
omelet big enough to feed 90 people.

Amazing the oddball things that will explode .. Freshly mined
diamonds have done so, so have elephant tusks when refridgerated.
And touched off with sparks, the dust of dried milk has blown up
warehouses.

All from me for now..Pal out.

-----------------

poster: Ant
subject: Heed these words...
date: Mon Apr 16 17:44:57 2001

38 Rude & Crude Pick-up Lines


1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.
2. Nice legs...what time do they open?
3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking
   to you.
7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have
   you seen one?
8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
9. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you
    all day long for a quarter.
11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light
    switch away.
15. Are those real?
16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for
    that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
22. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?
23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
28. Hi.  The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we
    could do it in public.
32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?
34. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
35. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
36. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.
37. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this
    cheap motel room.
38. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet
    clothes.

- Ant, the Failed Casanova


-----------------

poster: Palenon
subject: Tired Ramblings from Pal
date: Tue May  1 05:10:43 2001

A priest, a virgin, and a psychic are walking down the street.
The priest and the virgin walk into a bar ...

-----------------

poster: Lizzie
subject: p
date: Tue May  1 05:16:47 2001

a priest, a minister, a rabbi, two blind ducks, a horse, and a blonde
all walk into a bar.  the bartender looks at the collection of people
and says "what is this?  some kind of joke?"

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: Crappy joke
date: Tue May  1 05:18:14 2001

A disembodied brain floats into a bar and telepathically
communicates that they would like a pint of bitter.

The barman replies that they can't serve the brain.

"Why not?"

"You're out of your head already"

-----------------

poster: Palenon
subject: More Tired Ramblings from Pal
date: Tue May  1 05:20:14 2001

Hickory Dickory Dock
3 Mice ran up the Clock
The Clock struck One
Ding Dong
The other 2 escaped with minor injuries

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: Another crappy joke
date: Tue May  1 05:23:23 2001

A pair of glasses walks into a bar and asks for a double whisky....

"I'm sorry, I can't serve you"
"Why not?"
"You're off your face"

-----------------

poster: Palenon
subject: Even More from Pal
date: Tue May  1 05:25:12 2001

This is a poem .. 

I invited Ruth for a ride in my convertable
We skimmed along breezily
We hit a bump at 95per
And I continued on Ruthlessly

-----------------

poster: Jomo
subject: Bad Joke
date: Wed May  2 01:29:18 2001

A one Armed Dog walked into a bar..

He said.. 
"I'm looking for the man that shot my pa'"

-----------------

poster: Bahgtru
subject: Cannibal Jokes
date: Wed May  2 13:03:45 2001

There were 2 cannibals sitting sown to dinner. One said to the
other, "I really don't like your mother in law."

The second nodded, and said, "Push her to the side of the plate and
have some potato instead."

2) Two cannibals sat down to dinner. The second said, "Your
grandmother makes a really nice roast."

The first nodded, sniffled, and said, "Yeah, but I sure will miss her."

3) Two cannibals killed a 6'5" man, and decided they couldn't eat
the whole thing. So, one said to the other, "I'll start at the head,
and work my way down, and you start at the feet, and work your way
up. We'll meet in the middle."

The second agreed, and after about 5 mins, the first said to the
second, "I'm having a whale of a time up here. How about you?"

"I'm having a ball" came his replied.

The first scoffed, and said, "You eat too fast."
(Maybe that shoulda gone on obscene)

- Bahgtru the Cannibal-Wanna-Be

-----------------

poster: Kazulanth
subject: Drug warning
date: Mon May 14 04:32:48 2001

Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl.
Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends.
And girlfriends, take heed.
There is a new drug called beer that is essentially in liquid form. The
drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince
their male victims to have sex with them.
The shocking statistic is that beer is available virtually anywhere!
All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply
ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered
helpless against such attacks.


-----------------

poster: Tranquil
subject: >Drug warning
date: Mon May 14 04:44:25 2001

On Mon May 14 04:32:48 2001 Kazulanth wrote post #34:
> Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl.
> Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends.
> And girlfriends, take heed.
> There is a new drug called beer that is essentially in liquid form. The
> drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince
> their male victims to have sex with them.
> The shocking statistic is that beer is available virtually anywhere!
> All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply
> ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered
> helpless against such attacks.
> 

Eeeeeeeeeek!

- Tranquil


-----------------

poster: Quillz
subject: >Drug warning
date: Tue May 15 23:59:43 2001

On Mon May 14 04:32:48 2001 Kazulanth wrote post #34:
> Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl.
> Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends.
> And girlfriends, take heed.
> There is a new drug called beer that is essentially in liquid form. The
> drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince
> their male victims to have sex with them.
> The shocking statistic is that beer is available virtually anywhere!
> All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply
> ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered
> helpless against such attacks.
> 
think Tick Soonish
since when is beer needed for this? 
Q

-----------------

poster: Mikul
subject: Looney Manifesto
date: Thu May 17 18:08:34 2001

Something from a joke party in the UK

GENERAL ELECTION 2001 MANIFESTO
from the one and only Official Loony Party
ENVIRONMENT, TRANSPORT & REGIONS
ENVIRONMENT
Under a Loony government any prospective home purchaser be issued
with a full description of such dictionary terms as 'floodplain',
'coastal erosion' and 'exposed headland'. This will save time
explaining why they have no house anymore after nature takes charge
of the environment.
In addition to this policy, building on floodplains in future will
be restricted to large houseboats with recoiling tethers like dog
leads. These houses will be able to float up with the floodwater and
land safely again in the same place when the water subsides.
TRANSPORT
Road
To prevent a fuel crisis and help farmers we will work together with
Volkswagen to produce a new car which runs on farmyard effluent. We
propose to call this new car the 'Dung Beetle'.
Every car owner should be given a horse to tow it in case of fuel crises.
On the driving test learners will at least be able to phone one
friend, take a fifty fifty choice of route or ask the other drivers
in the traffic jam for advice.
Under 21 drivers will be restricted to Reliant Robins & 2CVs in a
bid to reduce accidents involving 'boy racers'.
In order to stop motorway congestion - We'll Close Them!
Public Transport
All bus shelters will have central heating. This will be turned on
full in summer and off in the winter, just like the buses.
Shipping
In the interest of safety, all Cross Channel Ferry crews will be
made to wear flares.
REGIONS
We will really do something about the north-south divide. We will
place labels in the extremities of the country, like Lands End, and
John O'Groats, and then fold tab 'K' (Kent) into slot 'M'
(Merseyside), and fold tab 'C' (Cornwall) into slot 'W' (The Wash),
finally, folding tab 'J' (John O'Groats) into slot 'S' (the Severn
Estuary), and end up with an interesting bit of Origami. After
sticking a pin in the middle around Birmingham, we'll make a nice
rosette to wear at party campaign meetings.
Alternative policy: The north / south divide should become a more
complicated mathematical equation rather than a simple division. We
suggest a square root.
Down in the south of Britain there is invariably a water ban during
the three weeks of sunshine. To the north of Britain there is a Loch
which purports to hold an unknown (or possibly known) animal. We'll
drain the Loch ... pipe the water down ... two mysteries solved!
EUROPEAN COMMUNITY & LAW
We'll continue to trade with Europe, but we'll keep our British way
of life. We will Close the Channel Tunnel, Recall all our Euro MPs,
reinstate the Gallon and dispose of the Kilogram. We like our Loony
weights which aren't divisible by ten. If the Europeans can't cope
with anything other than decimal, then let them stay in Europe.
In keeping with the European position on everyone carrying Identity
cards, it's proposed that a law be introduced compelling everyone to
carry very small mirrors so that when asked they can look in the
mirror and identify themselves.
CULTURE, MEDIA & SPORT
CULTURE
The Mayor of London stirred up the nation by suggesting that we
replace statues in more prominent locations with better known
figures. As Screaming Lord Sutch was the longest serving party
leader in British political history, we propose that he take pride
of place atop a new Sutch's Column in the center of Trafalgar
Square. To compliment this we also suggest the square be renamed
Official Monster Raving Loony Square.
We believe that a "Monty Python Ministry of Silly Walks should be
put in place. There will, of course, be a uniform which comprises of
bowler hat, black suit, white shirt, black tie, shiny black shoes
and a black umbrella that never gets used. Oh and don't forget the
black briefcase.
We'll replace the current national anthem with 'Do the Funky Gibbon'
by the Goodies. This is a more lively anthem than our current one.
The Loonies plan to hire Japanese origami experts to fold the
millenium dome roof into the shape of an elephant to reflect this
amazing national phenomena being a white elephant. If we're really
lucky we could even sell it to an American city in Arizona, where it
can be rebuilt alongside the Colorado river under the expectation
that it's really the Millenium Wheel laying on its side.
Hat wearing will be encouraged by abolishing VAT on headwear. This
will also help revive the UK's ailing millinery industry. It will be
illegal for bald people not to wear a hat in public. This will
prevent accidents caused by sunlight reflecting into the eyes of
unsuspecting aircraft pilots. This idea will also be extended into
the Houses of Parliament. The speaker in The Commons will have the
power to make unruly MPs stand in the corner for ten minutes,
wearing a pointy hat with a big 'D' on it.
MEDIA
There should be a national debate on the subject of why there is
only one female Smurf.
SPORT
We intend to pressure the organisers of the Olympics to include: The
Egg and Spoon Race, The Three Legged Race, The Sack Race ... and of
course we could revive that old favourite . . . The Annual
Witchducking Championships. (Which was abandoned 400 years ago due
to contestants drinking too much).
Hunting with dogs will be made fairer by allowing only one dog per
fox. Additionally the dogs used are too agile to give the fox a
fighting chance. The use of Old English Sheepdogs (couldn't really
see the fox properly) and Dachshunds (stubby legs and liable to
grounding) would even the odds considerably.
A committee will be set up to discover why Britain always has
useless sports team. Genetic modification will be used for the
benefit of the country to produce top quality athletes and show all
the ex British colonies how dumb they are.
The problem with football hooligans isn't how to stop them getting
out of the country, it's how to stop them getting back in. We don't
want them anyway.
Supporting Man Utd is to be a criminal offence, if you were born
south of Crewe.
We'll introduce fruit machines where you put a lemon in the slot to
try and line up three of the same coinage, in order to win more
lemons.
EDUCATION & EMPLOYMENT
EDUCATION
We'll make class sizes smaller by standing kids closer together &
giving them smaller desks.
Schools will be instructed to concentrate on the four Rs: Reading,
Writing, Rock & Rave.
Any MP who's constituency sells off a school playing field to
developers will be required to relinquish his/her own back garden as
a replacement sports facility for the school.
We intend to make free university tuition available to all students
named Grant.
Children who bunk off school will be ordered to do community service
as truancy officers.
Due to the decline in educational standards and vocabulary, it will
be made law that every child should make up a new word everyday and
use it when talking to their mother. Potentially, English can
develop 21,900,000,000 words in a single year if everyone follows
this policy, thus enriching our language.
DEPT OF HEALTH
We propose to facilitate free electric chairs for the disabled if
they want them.
Free Viagra will be made available for the over 69s. Under 69s will
get a secondary effect from this policy.
We propose to double the NHS bed capacity by building giant mirrors
alongside every hospital. Duplicate staff to man the new hospitals
will automatically accompany this policy.
Smiling and laughing with patients will be made compulsory by ward
staff, as this will encourage faster recovery (A Laughing Patient Is
A Recovering Patient).
To facilitate a moral uplift for nurses the ridiculous paper
mountain they have to wade through on each patient's admission will
be reduced to a couple of single sheet forms, with unduplicated
questions which only relate to the reason for being there.
Until this polcy can be fully implemented, we'll require a tree to
be planted for evey patient admitted to hospital so that the current
paper usage can be replaced.
Free prescriptions will be made available for all. It shouldn't cost
anyone to be sick.
Happiness is the key to a successful life ... and its the small
things in life that will keep us happy, we therefore feel it's
imperative that sweets, chocolates and small cakes should be made
freely available on the NHS.
We believe that all doctors, whether trained in Britain or overseas,
should be made to take a course in basic spoken English, rather than
their native Medicalese, as well as training in readable
handwriting, as opposed to Scrawlese.
HOME OFFICE + LAW & DISORDER
Our policy on Asylum Seekers is simple, the asylums should be better
sign-posted.
Anyone using a mobile phone in public will be in danger of being
'silly stringed'. Any member of the public will, at their own
convenience and pleasure, be able to carry and use at their
discretion cans of squirty silly string on anyone they hear using a
mobile phone.
The implementation of On-The-Spot penalties on rowdy drinkers should
be implemented with a difference. Instead of marching the pennyless
drunks to a Cashpoint machine, they will be marched to designated
electro-magnetic metal discs in the town square. After dressing the
louts in padlocked metal soled boots, they will be rooted to the
spot a safe distance from each other. At this point they can
verbally release all their aggression until they are suitably
sober.
We have the right to remain silent on the remainder of this issue as
anything we say may be used against us.
TREASURY
The Loonies propose that a minimum requirement of Maths 'O' Level be
made for all government ministers and their treasury advisers,
thereby preventing two different rates of inflation when used to
calculate raises in both state benefits and taxes.
We'll illuminate the Black Economy by shining a light on it.
We'll encourage provision of cash machines with a little flap. From
this flap your money will be passed to you by the hand of a bank
employee, for that personal touch.
All third world debt will be cancelled. They're not going to pay
anyway. You know that. I know that. Don't deny it.
AGRICULTURE, FISHERIES & FOOD
AGRICULTURE
It's proposed that a law be passed making all GM foods illegal. They
should stick to what they do best ... making motor cars.
FISHERIES
We'll clean up the fishing industry because it stinks.
FOOD
Free range chickens will be issued with free range rovers.
Wensleydale cheese will be made a protected species.
MINISTRY OF DEFENCE
All bombs & guns should be kept in the fridge to stop them going off.
MINISTRY OF PETS
All animals will have the same rights to cross the roads as zebras,
pelicans & puffins.
Electronic pets will be allowed a proxy vote by email.
All dogs will be fitted with nappies to stop them pooing all over parks etc.
DEPT OF TRADE & INDUSTRY
All fast food burger outlets will be banned under the trading
standards act. Its not beef in those burgers, it's cardboard.

Mikul, too big to format ;)

-----------------

poster: Kazulanth
subject: Sexual statistics
date: Sat May 19 23:55:56 2001

70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the 
last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none. 
Women who respond to sex surveys in magus like Cosmos may 
have 5 times as many lovers as typical women. 
Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as 
those who don't. 
Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be turned on by 
the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a 
bachelor's degree. 
Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral 
sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts. 
National birthrates rise and fall with the height of 
heels. 
In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of 
unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during 
ovulation. 
Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to 
be less achievement oriented. 
White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% 
more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those 
who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower 
for black girls. 
Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday 
are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who 
don't. 
Atheists, non Christians and Jews are tend to be more 
sexually active than practicing Christians. 
Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more 
likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year 
than women with no criminal record. 
Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first 
date. 
Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or 
Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate. 
Black women are 50% more likely than White women to 
come every time they have sex. 
White women, especially those with a college degree, 
are the most receptive to anal sex. 
20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more 
than one sex partner. 
So, put it all together and: 
A 1/4 Aussie/1/4 Latino/1/4 Black/1/4 White Atheist with 
a Ph.D., wearing a low neckline and high heels during 
happy hour in a swanky bar, smokes, has a criminal 
record, reads Cosmo and Barbara Cartland, and who lived 
with her single mom!  Shouldn't be too hard to find. 

-----------------

poster: Kazulanth
subject: Sexual terms
date: Sun May 20 00:07:18 2001

Acrophilia: arousal from heights or high altitudes 
Bardajes: young gay male lover 
Candaulism: spouse who watches partner having sex with someone else 
Dacryphilia: person who is aroused by seeing their partner cry 
Gymnophilia: arousal from nudity 
Necrophilia: sex with corpses 
Colobosis: mutilation or castration of penis 
Seraglio: the Chinese practice of keeping wives secluded at home from other 
men 
Commasculation: homosexuality 
Compulsive cruising: compulsive search for sex partners 
Gynecomania: compulsive desire for female sex partners

-----------------

poster: Zifnab
subject: joke
date: Fri May 25 00:38:32 2001

A little language at the end but thought you guys would appreciate.


> Subject: Modern Day Fairy Tale
> 
>  
>  
>  ~~~~~~~~
> 
> Once upon a time,
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> in a land far away,
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> a beautiful, independent,
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> self-assured princess
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> happened upon a frog as she sat,
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> contemplating ecological issues
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> on the shores of an unpolluted pond
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> in a verdant meadow near her castle.
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> The frog hopped into the princess' lap
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> and said: Elegant Lady,
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> I was once a handsome prince,
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> One kiss from you, however,
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> and I will turn back
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> into the dapper, young prince that I am
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> and then, my sweet, we can marry
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> and setup housekeeping in your castle
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> with my mother,
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> where you can prepare my meals,
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> 
> clean my clothes, bear my children,
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> and forever
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> feel grateful and happy doing so.
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> That night,
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> as the princess dined sumptuously
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> seasoned in a white wine
> 
> ~~~~~~~
> 
> and onion cream sauce,
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> she chuckled and thought to herself:
> 
> ~~~~~~~~
> 
> I don't fucking think so.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 

-----------------

poster: Kazulanth
subject: All about men
date: Fri May 25 02:10:06 2001

All about men

1.  The nice men are ugly.
2.  The handsome men are not nice.
3.  The handsome and nice men are gay.
4.  The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5.  The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men,
    have no money.
6.  The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men
    with money think  we are only after their money.
7.  The handsome men without money are after our money.
8.  The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat
    heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9.  The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,
    somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have
    some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and
    NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose
    interest in us when we take the initiative.


-----------------

poster: Jomo
subject: Penis_Size
date: Tue May 29 19:23:38 2001

For the definetive guide:
http://thriveonline.oxygen.com/sex/concerns/penis_size.html


-----------------

poster: Golte
subject: http://www.teenagehumor.com/movies.shtml
date: Sat Jun 16 17:26:58 2001

http://www.teenagehumor.com/movies.shtml

-----------------

poster: Palenon
subject: True Story from the Pal-Files
date: Sun Jun 17 06:11:49 2001

This is a story from my high school senior year that makes me laugh
every time i think about it..so i decided to share.

We had a group of German foreign exchange students (about 20) and
they gave a presentation to a small group of interested students
(Myself Included) about their home country.
During the lenghty presentation of slides they were giving us
tourist type information on various cities and were presently
showing tourist pics of Hamburg when the projector went out and the
room was bathed in darkness.

Out of the darkness you could hear a distinctly german (Colonel
Klink style) voice say, "Und zis is Hamburg at night."

Hope you guys appreciate that as much as I did..maybe you had to be
there but it was damn hilarious at the time and a fond memory of
mine =P

Pal

-----------------

poster: Kazulanth
subject: >True Story from the Pal-Files
date: Sun Jun 17 06:13:09 2001


Und zis ist Palehnohn venn he ist baked.


-----------------

poster: Mikul
subject: Prawnsite
date: Thu Jun 21 00:57:48 2001

http://www.prawnography.net/

-----------------

poster: Durin
subject: ballerina
date: Fri Jun 29 09:13:38 2001

This big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a sleeveless sundress
walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big, hairy
armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and
asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" The whole bar goes
dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the
bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The
bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's
completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points
around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, "What man
out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and
says, "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches
the little drunk and says,  "It's your business if you want to buy the
lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg
up that high has got to be a ballerina!"




-----------------

poster: Durin
subject: Rookie Cop
date: Fri Jun 29 09:30:23 2001

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an
experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to
disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street
and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."

No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in
his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned
to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "Especially since this was a bus stop."

-----------------

poster: Durin
subject: farting in restaurant
date: Fri Jun 29 10:14:00 2001

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant
one night.

Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure
everything was perfect.  So, as she bends down in her chair
to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite
loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing
everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and
demands "Stop That!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way
was it headed?"

-----------------

poster: Durin
subject: Toilet paper
date: Fri Jun 29 10:20:10 2001

An indian girl walked into a general store and asked the clerk for some
toilet paper. So the clerk says, "Well, we have two brands of toilet paper:
Toilet Paper Royal and the generic kind which doesn't have a name."

So the indian girl asks, "What's the difference?", to which the clerk
replies, "The generic brand is cheaper." So the indian girl buys the generic
brand and walks home.

The next day she walks into the store with the roll of toilet paper and
says, "I have found a name for this toilet paper." Curious the clerk says,
"Well what is it?" And the girl replies, "John Wayne, because it's rough and
it's tough and it don't take no crap from indians."

-----------------

poster: Durin
subject: Koma getting his eyeglasses
date: Fri Jun 29 14:12:09 2001

Young Koma had to go to the optician's to have his
eyes tested. During the test the optician asked Koma
to put his right hand over his right eye. This caused
a certain amount of confusion in the young boy.
"Well Ok," said the optician. "Put your left hand over
your right eye." It didn't help. Koma was getting
more flustered by the minute. "Put any hand over any
eye," said the optician in exasperation. With this
Koma became so totally confused that he froze in the
chair.

An idea struck the optician and he went into the back
room and cut a hole in an empty cornflakes packet
roughly where he thought young Koma's eye ought to be.
Back in his surgery he slipped the packet over the
boy's head. Koma began to sob uncontrollably.
"What's the matter? the optician asked.
Koma replied through the sobs: "I wanted a gold rimmed
pair like Biorn got!"

-----------------

poster: Einar
subject: Wonderful world of hex...
date: Wed Jul  4 12:13:56 2001

After making sure he had mastered hex, a young student saw a
beautiful woman at the park.
So he walks up and says "Hi, ever heard of 45?"...


Einar - A lame joke after playing around with numbers :P

-----------------

poster: Jomo
subject: Wooden Horse Penis
date: Thu Jul  5 22:35:59 2001

http://rigg.aftenposten.no/english/local/d220419.htm

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: A Bold Knight!
date: Mon Jul  9 02:27:49 2001

A bold knight is fighting for the glory of the King when he is unhorsed.
Crashing to the ground, he knocks himself out inside his helmet.  When
he comes to and laboriously gets to his feet, he takes his helmet off
and can hear the battle still going on....but it has moved some distance
away and he no longer has a horse.  He must return to the fight!

He clumps over to a nearby farm and proclaims to the farmer "Good
farmer, I have need
of a horse, that I may fight for the glory of the King!"

The peasant farmer is overawed by this, but manages to mumble
"Sorry, my Lord, I am
a poor farmer and I can't afford a horse.....but I do have a really big dog".

Looking over by the barn, the knight sees a big dog sprawled on the
ground.  It's huge...for a dog.  It's nowhere near the size of a warhorse and
it's scrawny and a bit mangy.  Times are hard.

The knight points at the dog and says to the farmer:

"You can't send a knight out on a dog like this!"

-----------------

poster: Baer
subject: Graveyard
date: Mon Jul  9 13:13:50 2001

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home late one
night and found themselves on the road which led past the old
graveyard. 

"Come have a look over here", says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's
grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87." 

"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole. It
says here that he was 95 when he died." 

Just then, Shamus yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he
was 145 years old!" 

"What was his name?" asks Paddy. 

Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone
marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin." 



-----------------

poster: Durin
subject: Behold, I come quickly!
date: Tue Jul 10 13:57:29 2001

A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little
nervous and about ten minutes into the talk his mind went
blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in seminary
school when a situation like this arose -- repeat your last
point. Often this will help you remember what should come
next. So he gave it a try.

"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank.
So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still nothing.

He tried once more, this time with so much vehemence that he
tripped over his microphone wire and fell off the stage,
right into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.

The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to apolo-
gize, but the woman replied, "That's all right, young man.
It was my fault...I should have gotten out of the way. You
told me three times you were coming!"

-----------------

poster: Palenon
subject: Phobias
date: Thu Jul 12 21:03:56 2001

This may not belong in jokes but some are funny

From- Uncle John's Second Bathroom Reader, by the Bathroom Reader's Institute

Aulophobia- Fear of Flutes
Neophobia- Fear of Anything New
Bogyphobia- Fear of Demons and Goblins
Triskaidekaphobia- Fear of the Number 13
Gamophobia- Fear of Marriage
Scopophobia- Fear of Being Stared At
Aurophobia- Fear of Gold
Chrematophobia- Fear of Money
Astraphobia- Fear of Thunder and Lightning
Blennophobia- Fear of Slime
Phasmophobia- Fear of Ghosts
Arachnephobia- Fear of Spiders
Hedonophobia- Fear of Pleasure
Chaetophobia- Fear of Hair
Catoptrophobia- Fear of Mirrors
Ombrophobia- Fear of Rain
Isopterpophobia- Fear of Termites
Laliophobia- Fear of Talking
Pogonophobia- Fear of Beards
Theophobia- Fear of God
Ecclesiophobia- Fear of Churches
Taurophobia- Fear of Bulls
Teratophobia- Fear of Monsters
Tapinophobia- Fear of Small Things
say Grithmals Chant down on Your brain
say Grithmals Chant down on Your body
Homichlophobia- Fear of Fog
Geumophobia- Fear of Flavors
Hadephobia- Fear of Hell
Gymnophobia- Fear of Nudity
Levophobia- Fear of Things on the Left Side of the Body
Ichthyophobia- Fear of Fish
Mechanophobia- Fear of Machines
Pteronophobia- Fear of Feathers
Politicophobia- Fear of Politicians
Siderodromophobia- Fear of Trains of Traveling on Them
Symmetrophobia- Fear of Things That Are Symmetrical
Xenophobia- Fear of Foreigners and other Unfamiliar Things
Zoophobia- Fear of Animals
Anthrophobia- Fear of People
Ophidiophobia- Fear of Snakes
Graphophobia- Fear of Writing In Public
Linonophobia- Fear of String
Pantophobia- Fear of Everything

Note- All the aforementioned fears are real including the elusive... 
Zmtriggophobia- The Fear of Having Zmud Triggers You Thought Were
Turned Off Popping Into Your News Posts
I am still seeking treatment...

-----------------

poster: Palenon
subject: W.C. Fields
date: Thu Jul 12 21:55:19 2001

Quotes from Mr. Fields

Never give a sucker an even break.

Women are like elephants, I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want
to own one.

Anyone who hates children and dogs can't be all bad.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and
for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do, you'll have to keep
up that standard for the rest of your life.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband, show me a
great actress, and you've seen the Devil.
I've been asked if I ever get the DT's. I don't know. It's hard to
tell where Hollywood ends and the DT's begin.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I never vote 'for' anyone. I always vote 'against'.

Start every day off with a smile, and get it over with.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink....and I never had the courtesy
to thank her for it.
I always keep a supply of liquor handy in case I see a snake-which I
also keep handy.

All my available funds are completely tied up in ready cash.
I have never struck a woman. Never! Not even my poor old mother.

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a
damn fool about it.

-----------------

poster: Korthrun
subject: Your Mom
date: Fri Jul 13 19:12:24 2001

Your mama's so stank she keeps ice between her legs so the crabs stay fresh.

-----------------

poster: Spiraldancer
subject: Interesting
date: Tue Jul 17 21:07:23 2001

This isn't really a joke, but I thought I would share anyway. =)

Our Senators/Congressmen do not pay into Social Security, and, therefore
they 
do not collect from it. Social Security benefits were not suitable for
them.

They felt they should have a special plan. Many years ago they voted in 
their benefit plan. In more recent years, no congress person has felt
the 
need to change it. After all, it is a great plan. 

For all practical purposes, their plan works like this: When they retire
no 
matter how long they have been in office, they continue to draw their
same 
pay until they die, except it may be increased from time to time by 
cost-of-living adjustments. 
  
For example, former Senator Bill Bradley (New Jersey) and his wife may
be 
expected to draw $7,900,000.00 over an average life span, with Mrs.
Bradley 
drawing $275,000.00 during the last year of her life. Their cost for
this 
excellent plan is "0," nada, zilch. This little perk they voted in for 
themselves is free to them. You and I pick up the tab for this plan. 
  
Our tax dollars at work! Social Security, which you and I pay into every

payday for our own retirement, with an equal amount matched by our
employer,

we can expect to get an average of $1,000 per month. 
  
Or, we would have to collect our benefits for 68 years and 1 month to
equal 
the Bradley's benefits. Imagine for a moment that you could structure a 
retirement plan so desirable, a retirement plan that worked so well,
that 
Railroad Employees, Postal Workers, and others who were not in the plan
would 
clamor to be included. This is how good Social Security could be, if
only
one 
small change was made. That change would be to jerk the Golden Fleece 
Retirement Plan out from under the Senators/Congressmen. Put! them into
the 
Social Security plan with the rest of us. Watch how fast they fix it!!!!


If enough people receive this maybe a seed will be planted, and maybe
good 
changes will evolve. 

Don't forget, our girl, Hillary Rodham Clinton.  Thanks to the infinite 
wisdom of New York State voters, she now comes under this Congressional 
Retirement Plan. 
  
Talking about the Clinton's, it's common knowledge that, in order for
her to

establish NYS residency, they purchased a million + house in upscale 
Chappaqua, NY. Makes sense. Now, they are entitled to Secret Service 
protection for life. Still makes sense. Here is where it becomes
interesting. 
  
A residence had to be built in order to house the Secret Service agents.
The

Clinton's now charge the Secret Service rent for the use of said
residence 
and that rent is just about equal to their mortgage payment, meaning
that
we, 
the tax payers, are paying the Clinton's mortgage and it's all perfectly

legal. 
  

Gotta love our Govt.

-----------------

poster: Spiraldancer
subject: Old but Funny
date: Fri Jul 20 23:39:24 2001

I was going through some old stuff and found that I still have this...
Enjoy =)

DARTH VADER'S THOUGHTS TO THE CLASS OF '99


" Ladies and Gentlemen of the Vassar College class of '99...

embrace the Dark Side.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, the Dark Side would be
it. The long-term benefits of the Dark Side have been proved by the Dark
Lords of The Sith, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more
reliable than my own meadering cruelty and conquests. I will dispense
this advice now...

Enjoy the power and beauty of your planet.

Oh, never mind, you will never understand the power and the beauty of
your planet until after the Empire has destroyed it in a futile attempt
to find a Rebel Base. But trust me, in twenty years, you will look back
at photos of your home and recall, in a way you can't grasp now, how
blissfully ignorant you were, and how fabulous your planet really looked
before it was a pile of burning space rubble. Your planet is not as dull
as you imagine.

Don't worry about the Rebellion - or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as tryng to make the Kessel run in a landspeeder. The real
troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your
twisted mind. The kind that fire a direct hit into your reactor core at 4
PM on some idle Tuesday.

Do in one Death Star officer every day.

Scheme.

Don't disobey the Emperor's orders; don't put up with people who disobey
yours.

Hate.

Don't waste your time on Stormtroopers. They can't hit the broad side of
a barn.

The battle is long and in the end, it's only with yourself. And your
idiot son. Remember the prophecies of the Emperor; ignore the whining of
your bratty upstart farmboy of a son. If you succeed in doing this, tell
me how. 

Keep your old lightsaber, but change your costume slightly with every
sequel.

Destroy. 

Don't feel guilty if you have no misgivings about joining the Dark Side.

The most interesting people I know didn't have any respect at 22 for
their victim's lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year olds I know
still don't.

Have plenty of minions.

Be kind to your right hand, you'll miss it when it's gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe your son will join you, maybe
he won't. Maybe you'll convince your daughter to become a dark Jedi and
assist you in your campaign of hatred and destruction; maybe she'll
become a rebel leader and marry a scruffy-looking nerf herder. Whatever
you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either.
Your destiny is guided by the Force. So is everybody else's.

Enjoy the Force. Exploit it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or
what other people think of your "sorcerer's ways." The ability to destroy
a planet is insignificant next to its power.

Kill. Even if you have no one to kill but a meaningless extra.

Listen to what the Emperor has foreseen, even if you don't follow his
prophecies.

Do not take your mask off, it will only make you feel ugly. And
vulnerable.

Get to know your parents. You'll never know when they'll turn out to be
your arch enemies. Be nice to your siblings. They are your best link to
your Jedi lineage and the ones most likely to become Jedi in the future.
Understand that lackeys come and go. But with a precious few, you should
keep from crushing their tracheas. Work hard to bridge the gaps in
geography and lifestyle, for as the more desperate you become, the more
you will need to send bounty hunters to do your dirty work for you.

Live on Dagobah once, but leave before you get foot rot. Live on Tatooine
once, but leave before you get heat stroke. Travel. Preferably in your
own custom TIE Fighter.

Accept certain inalienable truths: rebellions will rise, the Imperial
Senate will have to be disbanded, you too will get old. And when you do,
you'll fantasize that when you were young, rebels were easily crushed,
the Imperial Senate was subservient, and citizens respected their
Emperor.

Respect your Emperor. Don't expect your son to rule the galaxy with you.
Maybe he'll give in to his anger, maybe he'll strike you down, but you'll
never know when he'll whine pleadingly and you'll find yourself turning
to the Light Side and saving his sorry butt. Don't strike down your old
Jedi Master, or he will become more powerful than you could possibly
imagine. Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who
supply it, or I'll crush your throat. Advice is a form of nostalgia.
Dispensing it is a way of fishing your humanity from the depths of sin,
wiping it off, putting black body armor over the ugly parts and redeeming
it for more than its worth.

But trust me on the Dark Side. "



-----------------

poster: Wik
subject: Reasons why warp and laundry are the same.
date: Sat Jul 21 01:35:57 2001


1. warps - my laundry machine always warps clothes, especially if i
dont take them out for a day or two.
2. bends and folds - when i do my laundry i bend and fold it!
3. which disappears - where have all my socks gone to?

that is all, we return to something more intelligent now.
-Wik

-----------------

poster: Bahgtru
subject: Women's Bumper Stickers...
date: Mon Jul 23 13:04:57 2001

1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
2. God madeus sisters; Prozac made us friends.
3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
4. My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips
5. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
6. Coffee, Chocolate, Men.. Some things are just better rich.
7. Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen.
8. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
9. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
10. I'm out of estrogen - and I have a gun.
11. Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
12. Next mood swing: 6 minutes
13. And your point is...?
14. WARNING: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
15. Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time.
16. Do not start with me. You will not win.
17. You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.
18. All stressed out and no one to choke.
19. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
20. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
21. Sorry if I looked interested, I'm not.
22. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
23. Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

-----------------

poster: Wildchild
subject: Windows 9x
date: Mon Jul 23 23:17:19 2001

Windows 9x: noun

Updated 32-bit add-on to the 16-bit GUI of an 8-bit OS, coded for a
4-bit CPU by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1-bit of competition.


-----------------

poster: Tomten
subject: funny stuff.
date: Fri Jul 27 19:52:22 2001

http://riddleme.com/html/cow.html


-----------------

poster: Kazulanth
subject: Limericks
date: Fri Aug  3 18:55:09 2001

Said Einstein "I have an equation
that science might call 'Rabellaisian'.
Let 'p' be virginity
approaching infinity.
Let 'u' be a constant 'persuasion'

Now if 'u' over 'p' be inverted
and the square root of 'u' be inserted
'x' times over 'p'
the result QED
is a relative" Einstein asserted.


-----------------

poster: Zax
subject: haiku error messages
date: Wed Aug  8 10:31:08 2001

Error messages as rendered by creative Japanese programmers,
adhereing to the Haiku rules of three lines, 17 syllables (five in
the first line, seven in the second, five in the third).

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The website you seek
Cannot be located,
But countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

-----------------

poster: Spiraldancer
subject: Jokes
date: Fri Aug 17 00:02:19 2001

A little farm boy comes down for breakfast; his mother asks him
if he has done his chores.
"Not yet," he replies.
His mother tells him, "No breakfast until your chores are
done!"
Ticked off, he goes and feeds the chickens, and kicks one. He
goes and feeds the pigs, and kicks one. He goes and feeds the cows, and
kicks one. Having done his chores, he goes in for breakfast and his mother
gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon or even any milk on my
cereal?" he asks.

His mother replies, "I saw you kick a chicken, so no eggs for a week,
I saw you kick a pig, so no bacon for a week, and I saw you kick
a cow, so no milk for a week."

Just then the little farm boy's father comes down for breakfast
and kicks the cat as he's walking towards the kitchen. With a smile
on his face, the little farm boy looks at his mother and says, "Are
you going to tell him or can I?"


ne day at lunch little Johnny asked one of the kids at school a
question. 
"If you woke up in the middle of the forest, covered in KY Jelly, naked
in a sleeping bag, and your ass was killing you, would you tell
anybody?" 
"No, I'd be embarrassed." said his friend.
Little Johnny asked "Wanna go camping?" 

-----------------

poster: Petra
subject: S.H.I.T.
date: Fri Aug 17 06:07:26 2001

My friends boss handed these out to all the employee's with their
checks on friday.....
I hope that went in correctly if not i'll post it right, later when
i have time

-----------------

poster: Petra
subject: no shit
date: Fri Aug 17 06:08:14 2001

sorry guys, gotta try posting it later,, but im still laffing so there ;)

-----------------

poster: Apathy
subject: >S.H.I.T.
date: Fri Aug 17 18:02:34 2001

On Fri Aug 17 06:07:26 2001 Petra wrote post #87:
> My friends boss handed these out to all the employee's with their
> checks on friday.....
> I hope that went in correctly if not i'll post it right, later when
> i have time

You know, you can use ~p to preview what you have written.

-Apathy

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: >>S.H.I.T.
date: Sun Aug 19 02:29:35 2001

On Fri Aug 17 18:02:34 2001 Apathy wrote post #89:
> On Fri Aug 17 06:07:26 2001 Petra wrote post #87:
> > My friends boss handed these out to all the employee's with their
> > checks on friday.....
> > I hope that went in correctly if not i'll post it right, later when
> > i have time
> 
> You know, you can use ~p to preview what you have written.
> 
> -Apathy
It's the Special High Intensity Training "memo".  It's funny.

-----------------

poster: Magneto
subject: not really a joke but...
date: Thu Aug 23 21:19:44 2001

this will waste some time
www.liquid.se/pong.html

-----------------

poster: Ada
subject: ultra-cool
date: Sat Aug 25 08:31:39 2001

I watched it and I died laughing, then I pondered for an hour why I
thought it was so funny.

I still don't get it.

www.rathergood.com/blode/

please, don't have any seizures.

-ada, who is up late and really bored and has a computer!

-----------------

poster: Athena
subject: Presidential Pardon
date: Sat Aug 25 11:10:54 2001

One day in the future, George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

    "I don't know what to do here, " says the devil. "You are on my 
list , but i have no room for you. You definately have to stay here,
so I'll tell ya what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here
who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have
to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves. "

     Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the 
first door.

     In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving
in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his
fate in hell.

     "No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and
I don't think I could do that all day long.

     The devil led him to the next room,

     In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledehammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

     "No, I've got a problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if all i could do was break rocks all day. " commented George.

     The devil opened a third door.

     In it, Bush say Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms
staked out over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle 
position. Bent over him was Monica Lewisky, doing what she does best.

     Bush looked on is disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle
this."

     The devil smiled and said.."Ok Monica. You're free to go."


-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >ultra-cool
date: Mon Aug 27 19:43:40 2001

On Sat Aug 25 08:31:39 2001 Ada wrote post #92:
> I watched it and I died laughing, then I pondered for an hour why I
> thought it was so funny.
> 
> I still don't get it.
> 
> www.rathergood.com/blode/
> 
> please, don't have any seizures.
> 
> -ada, who is up late and really bored and has a computer!
i'm afraid of germany.

-----------------

poster: Jomo
subject: Rathergood
date: Mon Aug 27 19:44:19 2001

Man, this site rocks.

I'm so glad someone posted it.

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: This is not funny, but i worked very hard on it
date: Tue Aug 28 22:09:37 2001

To reinc, or not to reinc, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous boredom.
Or to take arms against a sea of reinc tax
And by opposing maybe get into an eq party: To die: to reinc. 

-----------------

poster: Zifnab
subject: joke
date: Tue Sep  4 22:31:44 2001

Thought this was funny

To: 
Subject: attention time travelers and aliens

If you are an alien disguised as human and/or have the technology to 
travel physically through time I need your help!

My life has been severely tampered with and cursed by a very evil 
woman of my past.

I need to be able to:

Travel physically back in time.

Rewind my life including my age.

Be able to remember what I know now so that I can prevent my life 
from being tampered with again after I go back.

I am in great danger and need this immediately!

Only if you are an alien or have this technology please send me a 
separate email to: 

Thanks




-----------------

poster: Unix
subject: pissed?
date: Sat Sep  8 22:18:24 2001

ever get pissed off at your hardware?
here is a simpil way to make it all better
http://us.share.geocities.com/unixrd/death.gif
I feal great now :)

-----------------

poster: Palenon
subject: Real Headlines
date: Wed Sep 12 06:30:54 2001

The following are real headlines from newspapers and zines from all
over...sources are not noted but all are true and intact so see if
you can figure out what the hell is going on =P


Textron Inc. makes offer to screw company stockholders

Squad helps dog bite victim

Man minus ear waives hearing

Iraqi head seeks arms

Man shot, stabbed: death by natural causes ruled

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

Once sagging cloth diaper saved by full dumps

Bills overwhelm Chargers

32 ignorant enough to serve on North Jury

Utah girl does well in dog shows

Local high school dropouts cut in half

Typhoon rips through cemetary: hundreds dead

Pastor aghast at First Lady sex position

Padres hit on Penguins

Death causes loneliness, feelings of isolation

Ski areas close due to snow

Child's stool great for use in garden

Fire officials grilled over kerosene heaters

Woman improving after fatal crash

Stud tires out

Death in the Ring: Most boxers are not the same afterward

FFA proposes name change to FFA

Reagan wins on budget, But Moore lies ahead

Man struck by lightning faces battery charges

British Union finds dwarfs in short supply

Man found dead in cemetary

Legislators Tax Brains to Cut Deficit


Figure those out if you can..I nearly died laughing when I first read this...
Pale

-----------------

poster: Jomo
subject: "We can do nothing about the wooden penis"
date: Thu Sep 20 19:48:31 2001

http://seattlep-i.nwsource.com/local/39627_phallic20ww.shtml

-----------------

poster: Wildchild
subject: various stuff
date: Fri Sep 21 06:08:33 2001

http://www.angelfire.com/ia/TheWildChild/misc/afghan2.jpg
http://www.angelfire.com/ia/TheWildChild/misc/b52bomb.jpg
http://www.angelfire.com/ia/TheWildChild/misc/rebuild.jpg

Hopefully I got the dir correct :)

-WC

-----------------

poster: Wildchild
subject: Monty Python... as legos!
date: Sat Sep 22 03:08:59 2001

Somebody (with entirely too much time on their hands) created a
short movie using Legos.
This particular one is of Monty Pyton's Holy Grail, and it's the
singing of the "Camelot" song.

http://www.lego.com/studios/screening/movie.asp?opt=qtl

That link is for the 3meg Quick Time file. There's preferences in
there for a smaller QT version, and two different Windows Media
player versions if you have broadband connections.

-WC

-----------------

poster: Jomo
subject: PORN!
date: Mon Sep 24 23:17:19 2001

Almost as funny as "furniture porn".

http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/bitchesinheat/default.asp

-----------------

poster: Bahgtru
subject: Dancing Bush
date: Mon Oct  1 11:16:38 2001

www.humor.com/html/diversions/miniclip3.html

George Bush dancing like an idiot.

- Bahgtru found a way to cheer himself up.

-----------------

poster: Smee
subject: Paraqlitos posted this awhile ago
date: Wed Oct  3 03:59:02 2001

It makes me laugh

Enjoy Smeat

-----------------

poster: Smee
subject: >Paraqlitos posted this awhile ago
date: Wed Oct  3 03:59:20 2001

http://yellow5.com/pokey/archive/index157.html

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: Crap joke!
date: Wed Oct  3 05:33:19 2001

A crocodile goes into a bar and says "Oh well, I suppose I'll have a 
pint of beer".

The barman replies "Sure....but why the long face?"

-----------------

poster: Kazulanth
subject: >>Paraqlitos posted this awhile ago
date: Wed Oct  3 05:34:31 2001

On Wed Oct  3 03:59:20 2001 Smee wrote post #106:
> http://yellow5.com/pokey/archive/index157.html

I would like to note that I have acute boogiemania.. it's contagious.

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >>>Paraqlitos posted this awhile ago
date: Wed Oct  3 17:15:15 2001

On Wed Oct  3 05:34:31 2001 Kazulanth wrote post #108:
> On Wed Oct  3 03:59:20 2001 Smee wrote post #106:
> > http://yellow5.com/pokey/archive/index157.html
> 
> I would like to note that I have acute boogiemania.. it's contagious.
Smeat will do that to you

-----------------

poster: Reamus
subject: Joke
date: Fri Oct  5 18:51:24 2001

A Brit, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing around, admiring a painting of
Adam and Eve.

The Brit says, "Look at their Calm, their Repose! They must be British."

The Frenchman says, "No, No, look at their Grace, their Beauty!, they must be
French!"

The Russian says, ""No, No, they have only a figleaf to wear and an
apple to eat,
and they are told this is paradise. They Must be Russian."

-----------------

poster: Dalak
subject: pantyhose
date: Sun Oct  7 00:08:22 2001

How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of
hares, possibly some crabs, and a fish that no one can find

-----------------

poster: Areu
subject: Awful Tech Joke
date: Sun Oct  7 10:34:19 2001


chmod a+x /bin/laden

Areu

-----------------

poster: Fox
subject: Things not to say to PO's
date: Tue Oct  9 01:39:34 2001

1. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
2. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
3. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
4. Are You Andy or Barney?
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.
6. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
7. I pay your salary!
8. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning, too!
9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other
cars around.
That's how far ahead of me they are.
11. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you
been;drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer
your eyes look;glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

-----------------

poster: Erec
subject: >Things not to say to PO's
date: Tue Oct  9 02:43:09 2001

You missed my favorite...
When stoped by a Georgia state trooper, and told, "Son, no one
goes _that_ fast through this state!", you should never respond,
"Sherman did."

-----------------

poster: Tamuli
subject: police jokes
date: Wed Oct 10 01:40:14 2001

an officer pulls you over for speeding he asks "do you know how fast
you were going?"
you say "no, at that speed you have to keep your eyes on the road"

-----------------

poster: Dfalt
subject: AFGHAN TV Guide
date: Thu Oct 11 23:53:47 2001

Subject: AFGHAN TV GUIDE

 MONDAYS: 
7:30 - "I Dream of Fatima" 
7:30 - "I Dream of Fatima" 
8:00 - "Husseinfeld" 
8:30 - "Mad About Everything" 
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions" 
9:30 - "The Conan Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAYS: 
7:30 - "I Love Sheep" 
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror & Misfortune" 
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says Its Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things" 
9:30 - "Afghanistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers" 
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

EDNESDAYS: 
7:30 - "Talibantubbies" 
8:00 - "U.S.*Military Secrets Revealed" 
8:30 - "When Northern Alliances Attack" 
 9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita" 
9:30 - "Just Shoot Someone" 
10:00 - "Turbanwatch" 

THURSDAYS: 
7:30 - "Hanging With Mr. Hijacker" 
8:00 - "Mahatma Loves Chachi" 
8:30 - "M*U*S*L*I*M*" 
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses & Veils" 
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads" 
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Jihad" 

FRIDAYS: 
7:30 - "This Old Tent" 
 8:00 - Movie of the Week "Ali Baba & The 40 Thieves" 
8:30 - "Khalid and his Camel" 
9:00 - "Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darnest Things" 
9:30 - "Achmed's Creek" 
10:00 - "No-Witnesses News"

Thought you might find it funny =)

-----------------

poster: Wildchild
subject: Imminent Threat Alert
date: Fri Oct 12 02:02:57 2001

Imminent Threat Alert

Not a Hoax: Official warning memo from the Department of Defense!

At a hastily called press conference this morning, Taliban Minister
of Emigration, Mohammed Ben Dover, warned the United States that if
any further military action was taken against Afghanistan, Taliban
authorities would not hesitate to cut off America's supply of
convenience store managers.

-----------------

poster: Snoop
subject: asdf
date: Fri Oct 12 13:52:10 2001

> THE WALL....
>
> Three men , a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and
> President Bush are out walking together one day....
>
> They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out
> of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's
> three wishes total," says the Genie.
>
> The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a
> farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land
> to be forever fertile in Canada.   "With a blink of the
> Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever
> made fertile for farming....
>
> Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said,
> "I want a wall around Afganistan, so that no
> infidels and Jews can come into our precious state."
> Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there
> was a huge wall around Afganistan....
>
> "President Bush, asks, "I'm very curious.
> Please tell me more about this wall."
> The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet
> high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the
> country; nothing can get in or out---virtually
> impenetrable."
>
> "President Bush " says, Very impressive,
> "Fill it with water."

-----------------

poster: Tamuli
subject: osama bin donkey
date: Mon Oct 15 05:14:35 2001

go to www.rotton.com and find the osama bin donkey link....kinda
gross but funny ;)
-tam

-----------------

poster: Skie
subject: at 3 in the morning...
date: Tue Oct 16 00:02:08 2001

At 3 in the morning or so, me and Panza were talking and he said
'You know what would be really fun to fight?' 'What?' i said.  'A
giraffe' he said, 'because it's soooo tall!'
Remember, at 3 AM, anything is funny, so if this isnt funny now,
just wait a few hours!

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >at 3 in the morning...
date: Tue Oct 16 03:47:12 2001

On Tue Oct 16 00:02:08 2001 Skie wrote post #120:
> At 3 in the morning or so, me and Panza were talking and he said
> 'You know what would be really fun to fight?' 'What?' i said.  'A
> giraffe' he said, 'because it's soooo tall!'
> Remember, at 3 AM, anything is funny, so if this isnt funny now,
> just wait a few hours!
i want whatever it is that you were smoking.
i'll take 4 grams

-----------------

poster: Santiago
subject: >>at 3 in the morning...
date: Tue Oct 16 03:48:09 2001

On Tue Oct 16 03:47:12 2001 Uno wrote post #121:
> On Tue Oct 16 00:02:08 2001 Skie wrote post #120:
> > At 3 in the morning or so, me and Panza were talking and he said
> > 'You know what would be really fun to fight?' 'What?' i said.  'A
> > giraffe' he said, 'because it's soooo tall!'
> > Remember, at 3 AM, anything is funny, so if this isnt funny now,
> > just wait a few hours!
> i want whatever it is that you were smoking.
> i'll take 4 grams
And I'll have four grams of Uno...
Javi

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >>>at 3 in the morning...
date: Tue Oct 16 03:48:30 2001

On Tue Oct 16 03:48:09 2001 Santiago wrote post #122:
> On Tue Oct 16 03:47:12 2001 Uno wrote post #121:
> > On Tue Oct 16 00:02:08 2001 Skie wrote post #120:
> > > At 3 in the morning or so, me and Panza were talking and he said
> > > 'You know what would be really fun to fight?' 'What?' i said.  'A
> > > giraffe' he said, 'because it's soooo tall!'
> > > Remember, at 3 AM, anything is funny, so if this isnt funny now,
> > > just wait a few hours!
> > i want whatever it is that you were smoking.
> > i'll take 4 grams
> And I'll have four grams of Uno...
> Javi
first hit is free, after that it'll costya

-----------------

poster: Einar
subject: The Raven
date: Tue Oct 16 09:08:29 2001

Heh, I don't know how old this is, or how many people have already
read this, but I think it's pretty funny.

Once upon a midnight dreary,  fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spredsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand,  I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one -
Choose : "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key --
But on the screen what did I see?

I tried to catch the chips of-guard --
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards,
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation,
Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation -

There I sat, distraught, exhausted,  by my own machine accosted
Getting up,  I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight,
A bold and blinding flash of light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed an died,
"Oh no -- my database", I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply,
You'll see your data-- Nevermore!

To this day I do not know
The place to which our data goes
Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity - well,
I fear it has gone straight to Hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell -
Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

                        ---Anonymous.



-----------------

poster: Durin
subject: >>at 3 in the morning...
date: Tue Oct 16 10:13:35 2001

On Tue Oct 16 03:47:12 2001 Uno wrote post #121:
> On Tue Oct 16 00:02:08 2001 Skie wrote post #120:
> > At 3 in the morning or so, me and Panza were talking and he said
> > 'You know what would be really fun to fight?' 'What?' i said.  'A
> > giraffe' he said, 'because it's soooo tall!'
> > Remember, at 3 AM, anything is funny, so if this isnt funny now,
> > just wait a few hours!
> i want whatever it is that you were smoking.
> i'll take 4 grams
Well i read this 'hilarious story' at 1am local time, stayed up til
2am and went to sleep. SLept very very uncomfortably the rest of the
night, woke up (no morning wood) cranky and now im at work. Dunno
what's wrong with me but i haven't got a laugh out of this one yet.

-D-urin3

-----------------

poster: Tarek
subject: SMS
date: Tue Oct 16 12:50:23 2001

for a few days ago i resived an sms it said: 
Hi iam on my way to NY now
The pilot got sick, but a friendly taliban did take over the plane.
he say that he can drop us of in central NY. 

-----------------

poster: Blackthorne
subject: >SMS
date: Tue Oct 16 12:52:01 2001

Am I the only one who can't find humor in this?

-----------------

poster: Tranquil
subject: >>>at 3 in the morning...
date: Tue Oct 16 12:56:34 2001

On Tue Oct 16 10:13:35 2001 Durin wrote post #125:
> On Tue Oct 16 03:47:12 2001 Uno wrote post #121:
> > On Tue Oct 16 00:02:08 2001 Skie wrote post #120:
> > > At 3 in the morning or so, me and Panza were talking and he said
> > > 'You know what would be really fun to fight?' 'What?' i said.  'A
> > > giraffe' he said, 'because it's soooo tall!'
> > > Remember, at 3 AM, anything is funny, so if this isnt funny now,
> > > just wait a few hours!
> > i want whatever it is that you were smoking.
> > i'll take 4 grams
> Well i read this 'hilarious story' at 1am local time, stayed up til
> 2am and went to sleep. SLept very very uncomfortably the rest of the
> night, woke up (no morning wood) cranky and now im at work. Dunno
> what's wrong with me but i haven't got a laugh out of this one yet.
> 
> -D-urin3

I think they forgot to mention the bit about having to be a retard
for it to work...

- Tranquil


-----------------

poster: Tranquil
subject: >>SMS
date: Tue Oct 16 12:57:34 2001

On Tue Oct 16 12:52:01 2001 Blackthorne wrote post #127:
> Am I the only one who can't find humor in this?
No. I believe that reply I made to the last post applies also to this one.

- Tranquil


-----------------

poster: Rockman
subject: >>>SMS
date: Tue Oct 16 22:24:54 2001

On Tue Oct 16 12:57:34 2001 Tranquil wrote post #129:
> On Tue Oct 16 12:52:01 2001 Blackthorne wrote post #127:
> > Am I the only one who can't find humor in this?
> No. I believe that reply I made to the last post applies also to this one.
> 
> - Tranquil
> 
three cheers for tranquil

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: >>SMS
date: Tue Oct 16 23:19:12 2001

On Tue Oct 16 12:52:01 2001 Blackthorne wrote post #127:
> Am I the only one who can't find humor in this?
No

-----------------

poster: Santiago
subject: Hee
date: Thu Oct 18 03:34:44 2001

This was in today's Globe and Mail...it's in response to a statment
made about the US starting to lean AWAY from low fat products:
"In the 21st century, you can't drink, smoke, take drugs or have
sex. There's only one thing left to do: Eat." 
Amen to that ;) 
Javi

-----------------

poster: Santiago
subject: Christina Aguilera
date: Thu Oct 18 12:07:00 2001

Heh heh heh heh...
http://www.geocities.com/anned1140/blech4.html

-----------------

poster: Arkangyle
subject: >Christina Aguilera
date: Fri Oct 19 06:44:03 2001

On Thu Oct 18 12:07:00 2001 Santiago wrote post #133:
> Heh heh heh heh...
> http://www.geocities.com/anned1140/blech4.html

*ahem*

I could care less if she's hispanic or not ... I still think she's cute.

-----------------

poster: Trigon
subject: Day-O
date: Tue Oct 23 23:14:40 2001

http://www.madblast.com/oska/humor_bin.swf
Me say day me say day me say daaaayyooooo

-----------------

poster: Smee
subject: >Day-O
date: Tue Oct 23 23:19:02 2001

On Tue Oct 23 23:14:40 2001 Trigon wrote post #135:
> http://www.madblast.com/oska/humor_bin.swf
> Me say day me say day me say daaaayyooooo
Welll, george bush playing the bongoes is hilarious, especially with
colin powell singing, but each one of those missed missles kills
children who could've grown up to win a nobel prize for curing aids
or cancer.

Smee

-----------------

poster: Santiago
subject: Irish Sports page...
date: Tue Oct 23 23:43:50 2001

"You know what they call the obituaries, don't you? 
The Irish sports page...."
-Danny Coleman

-----------------

poster: Santiago
subject: Kick the crap out of...
date: Thu Oct 25 00:19:44 2001

Bin Laden...
http://www.madblast.com/flash_shows/kick_laden.cfm

-----------------

poster: Santiago
subject: You were right...
date: Thu Oct 25 05:17:26 2001

...if you thought that cat hates you...in fact, most cats probably hate you...
http://www.mycathatesyou.com/othercat.htm
Proof that cats in general are full of hate...that's why I love them ;)
Javi

-----------------

poster: Wildchild
subject: another Bin Laden joke
date: Fri Oct 26 01:13:40 2001

Osama bin-Laden has become increasingly worried about his own
mortality. Out of desperation he calls phone psychic Miss Cleo and
asks her what day he is going to die.

She shuffles the cards and things for a few minutes and then tells
him he will die on an American holiday.

Osama is worried and asks "Which one?  Thanksgiving?  Christmas?"

Miss Cleo says "It doesn't matter.  Any day you die will be an
American holiday."


-----------------

poster: Zifnab
subject: osama joke
date: Sat Oct 27 17:25:13 2001

Three guys
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and President Bush are out
walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie
pops out of it. 

"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total,"
says the Genie. 

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son
will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was
forever made fertile for farming. 

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into
our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF'
there was a huge wall around Afghanistan. 

President Bush asks, "I'm very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about
15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing
can get in or out---virtually impenetrable." 

President Bush says, "Fill it with water."

-----------------

poster: Santiago
subject: Viagra
date: Mon Oct 29 21:03:34 2001

Spokespersons for the comany which produces Viagra announced today
their intentions to manufacture the drug in liquid form, stating
"Now men can pour themselves a stiff one."
Javi*


-----------------

poster: Santiago
subject: Mosquito Repellent
date: Mon Oct 29 21:08:06 2001

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect
repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I
guarantee it." 
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition.
I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug
spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a
whole case from you." 
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped.
The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to
a stake. 
Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and
his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman
was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he
was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one
bite on him. 
The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "now, you don't have a
bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?" 
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For
crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a mother?!!!" 

-----------------

poster: Santiago
subject: Halloween Costumes...
date: Tue Oct 30 21:38:32 2001

This guy has to be a mudder...
www.geocities.com/lonelyvampy/halloween.jpg

-----------------

poster: Baer
subject: >Halloween Costumes...
date: Tue Oct 30 22:06:01 2001

On Tue Oct 30 21:38:32 2001 Santiago wrote post #144:
> This guy has to be a mudder...
> www.geocities.com/lonelyvampy/halloween.jpg
Add 200 pounds, pierce the nose, put a stud through the tongue, take
away some teeth, and give him a mullet and that could be me.

-----------------

poster: Tranquil
subject: >>Halloween Costumes...
date: Tue Oct 30 22:18:38 2001

On Tue Oct 30 22:06:01 2001 Baer wrote post #145:
> On Tue Oct 30 21:38:32 2001 Santiago wrote post #144:
> > This guy has to be a mudder...
> > www.geocities.com/lonelyvampy/halloween.jpg
> Add 200 pounds, pierce the nose, put a stud through the tongue, take
> away some teeth, and give him a mullet and that could be me.
Baer has a mullet? *shudder*

-----------------

poster: Wildchild
subject: Aussie Windows2k
date: Thu Nov  1 01:01:53 2001

http://www.digitalwanderer.com/creation/aussie_win2k.jpg

This rules.

-WC

-----------------

poster: Santiago
subject: American unite
date: Thu Nov  1 03:41:28 2001

i know this isn't really a joke, but I have no where else to post
this...this is an e-mail I recieved...enjoy :P

> I think this is a great idea, we should do what we can for the
> cause!!!...
>
> President Bush has asked that we unite for a common cause.
> Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin
> to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tomorrow night
> at 7:00 all peace-loving women are asked to walk out of their
> house naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
> Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this
> anti-terrorist effort.  All men should position themselves in
> lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they think it's ok
> to see other women nude. (A cold six-pack at your side is
> further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.)
>
> Names and addresses of non- participants should be sent
> to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia.
>
> The United States and Canada appreciate your efforts and
> applaud you.

-----------------

poster: Zifnab
subject: >American unite
date: Thu Nov  1 22:50:37 2001

On Thu Nov  1 03:41:28 2001 Santiago wrote post #148:
> i know this isn't really a joke, but I have no where else to post
> this...this is an e-mail I recieved...enjoy :P
> 
> > I think this is a great idea, we should do what we can for the
> > cause!!!...
> >
> > President Bush has asked that we unite for a common cause.
> > Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin
> > to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tomorrow night
> > at 7:00 all peace-loving women are asked to walk out of their
> > house naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
> > Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this
> > anti-terrorist effort.  All men should position themselves in
> > lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they think it's ok
> > to see other women nude. (A cold six-pack at your side is
> > further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.)
> >
> > Names and addresses of non- participants should be sent
> > to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia.
> >
> > The United States and Canada appreciate your efforts and
> > applaud you.
Are you volunteering........

-----------------

poster: Monkman
subject: joke
date: Sat Nov  3 11:48:57 2001

>  I was a first grade teacher. I had a small number of children gathered
> around a table for a reading group. After the story was read I gave the
> children a work sheet to do. I thought they may have some problems so I
> wanted them to work on it there. I heard a little girl say very softly
> "Jesus Christ!".
>  
>  I leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."
>  
>  She looked at me, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when
> things are all fucked up?" 

-----------------

poster: Monkman
subject: biology lesson
date: Sat Nov  3 11:51:33 2001

In biology class, the Professor at Melbourne University was
discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young first
year female Vet Science student raised her hand and asked "If I
understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in
male semen?" 

"That's correct", responded the Professor, going on to add statistical info. 

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste
sweet?". After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out
laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, as she realised
exactly what she had inadvertently said, or rather implied. 

The Professor's reply was classic…

Totally straight faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste
sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your
tongue, and not at the back of your throat".

-----------------

poster: Santiago
subject: heh heh heh...
date: Wed Nov  7 01:49:39 2001

Bill Gates was just on Entertainment Tonight saying that he's spent
his life "making software better"...hehehehehehehehehehehe...
Javi
*8

-----------------

poster: Tranquil
subject: Those damn trees again
date: Wed Nov  7 03:21:22 2001

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.  Miraculously,
she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and
was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion
that was stomped on by an elephant.  Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped.

" Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as
he surveyed the wrecked. car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began.  "I was
driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE
pops up in front of me.  So I swerved to the right, and there was
another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree!
I swerved to the right and there was another tree!  I swerved to
the left and there was ..."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off ... "there isn't
a tree on this road for 30 miles.  That was your air freshener
swinging back and forth."


-----------------

poster: Santiago
subject: Liberal
date: Mon Nov 12 19:53:38 2001

The definition of a liberal:
Two well dressed executives are walking down a major city street,
sipping on their cappucino when they see a man, badly beaten and
near death, laying by the roadside. As they walked passed, one
remarked to the other: "The man who did that needs help."

-----------------

poster: Durin
subject: Female Genie
date: Tue Nov 13 12:36:04 2001

A man was enjoying a beer in a neighbourhood
tavern when he noticed at the other end of the bar
a man with a head the size of a grape. After trying
for a while not to stare, he went over to the guy
and said, "Sorry to disturb you, but how did you
wind up like that?" The unfortunate fellow turned
to him and explained:

"I was walking on the beach one day when I found
an old lamp. I picked it up, rubbed it, and a genie
came out. This genie was the most beautiful-
looking girl I ever saw. 'I've been locked in that
lamp for 5000 years,' she said. 'What can I do for
you? Just name it.' So I said, 'I'd like a little
head.'"

-----------------

poster: Durin
subject: Cute little critter
date: Tue Nov 13 12:37:38 2001

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded 
skunk on the side of the road.  They stop, the woman gets out, 
picks it up, and  brings it into the car. 
She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
He says, "Put it between your legs." 
She says, "What about the smell?" 
He says, "Hold its nose."

-----------------

poster: Durin
subject: New Fathers
date: Tue Nov 13 12:38:56 2001

Three expectant fathers, a white guy, a black guy, and a Swede, were
in the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces that he
has some good news and some bad news, "The good news is that you each
are the father of a healthy baby boy. The bad news is that we've mixed them
up."

The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The white guy goes right to
the black baby, picks him up and starts rocking him.

"What are you doing?" the black guy asks, "That is obviously my son."

"I know," said the white guy, "but I didn't want to accidentally get the
Swedish kid."

-----------------

poster: Durin
subject: Premature Ejaculation
date: Tue Nov 13 12:51:55 2001

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation,
so he went to see his doctor.

The doctor suggested that the man could solve his
problem by startling himself whenever he thought that
he was going to ejaculate.

So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store
and bought a starter pistol.  Then he went home to
try the doctor's advice.

When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him
on their bed,... naked!  So he ripped off his clothes
and began making love with her.  Eventually, they
wound up in the "69" position and then the man felt
an enormous urge to ejaculate, so he cranked off a
few shots with his new starter pistol.

They next day, he went back to the doctor and reported
his results.  He said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc!
When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face,
bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of
the closet with his hands in the air!"

-----------------

poster: Durin
subject: Deaf Mute buying condomes
date: Tue Nov 13 12:58:29 2001

A deaf mute walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty
communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.
Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on
the counter, and puts down a five-dollar bill next to it.
The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, and
then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated,
the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't
bet."

-----------------

poster: Durin
subject: Blow up whores
date: Tue Nov 13 13:14:43 2001

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for
several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house
for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took
one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste
any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls
in each man's room and left them to their business.
After the two men were finished, they started for home
and got to talking. The first man said, "I think the
girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even
groaned... how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I'm SURE mine was a witch."

The first man asked, "How's that?"

"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her
breast.....she farted and flew out the window!"

-----------------

poster: Durin
subject: Aliens and the gas pump
date: Tue Nov 13 13:23:03 2001

Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens
waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they
see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens
approach. The first one says "Earthling take me to your leader!"

He gets no response. The first Alien looks at his buddy then
addresses the pump again. "Earthling, I said Take me to your
leader!"

Still no response. The first Alien then turns to the second and
says "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect I'm going
to blast him!" . The second Alien replies "O.K. but, I'm just
going to stand down on the next block." The first Alien looks
a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next
block. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling take
me to your leader!"

No response. The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the
pump. After the explosion the Alien gets up dusts himself off
then goes down the block to his buddy, He then says to the
second Alien "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't
you warn me?"

The second replies "I didn't know what was going to happen, but
I'm not going to mess with anyone who's penis can hang to the
ground, wrap around his body twice, and still stick it in his
ear!"


-----------------

poster: Daran
subject: You finish?
date: Wed Nov 14 02:15:34 2001

While drinking beer at a local bar, Hank manages to score with a
Nordic-looking blonde.  15 minutes later, they are both back at his
place ripping each other's clothes off.  Proud of his reputation as
a lady's man, Hank carries her to his bed and makes passionate love
to her, forcing himself to hold out as long as possible.  Finally
rolling off her, he asks, "So, baby... you finish?"
After a slight pause, the blonde replies, "No."
Surprised, but not defeated, Hank climbs back on her and has his way
with her again, this time taking even longer than before.  He
completes his deed, rolls over, and asks again, "Okay, tell me now,
you finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she simply replies, "No."
Stunned, but not acting on a matter of pride, he once again mounts
the blonde.  With all the strength he can muster, he barely manages
to end the task.  Barely able to roll over, he croaks hoarsely, "I
gotta know... you finish?"
To which her dreamy reply is, "No, I'm Swedish."

-----------------

poster: Santiago
subject: Sex
date: Thu Nov 15 21:04:36 2001

which would be worse: 
having sex in front of a huge crowd in a boxing ring 
or 
having sex in front of your parents? 

things to consider: 
1) the humiliation you'd feel if the crowd chanted "boring, boring!" 
2)the humiliation you'd feel if your parents chanted "boring, boring!"



-----------------

poster: Daran
subject: >Sex
date: Thu Nov 15 21:06:51 2001

On Thu Nov 15 21:04:36 2001 Santiago wrote post #163:
> which would be worse: 
> having sex in front of a huge crowd in a boxing ring 
> or 
> having sex in front of your parents? 
> 
> things to consider: 
> 1) the humiliation you'd feel if the crowd chanted "boring, boring!" 
> 2)the humiliation you'd feel if your parents chanted "boring, boring!"
> 
> 
3) The fear that your parents might cheer you on or try and join =(

-----------------

poster: Jomo
subject: >>Sex
date: Thu Nov 15 22:48:52 2001

On Thu Nov 15 21:06:51 2001 Daran wrote post #164:
> On Thu Nov 15 21:04:36 2001 Santiago wrote post #163:
> > which would be worse: 
> > having sex in front of a huge crowd in a boxing ring 
> > or 
> > having sex in front of your parents? 
> > 
> > things to consider: 
> > 1) the humiliation you'd feel if the crowd chanted "boring, boring!" 
> > 2)the humiliation you'd feel if your parents chanted "boring, boring!"
> > 
> > 
> 3) The fear that your parents might cheer you on or try and join =(

4) The fear that your parents might think it's a tag match, and try
to tag your partner out.

-----------------

poster: Blackthorne
subject: >>>Sex
date: Fri Nov 16 00:00:54 2001

On Thu Nov 15 22:48:52 2001 Jomo wrote post #165:
> On Thu Nov 15 21:06:51 2001 Daran wrote post #164:
> > On Thu Nov 15 21:04:36 2001 Santiago wrote post #163:
> > > which would be worse: 
> > > having sex in front of a huge crowd in a boxing ring 
> > > or 
> > > having sex in front of your parents? 
> > > 
> > > things to consider: 
> > > 1) the humiliation you'd feel if the crowd chanted "boring, boring!" 
> > > 2)the humiliation you'd feel if your parents chanted "boring, boring!"
> > > 
> > > 
> > 3) The fear that your parents might cheer you on or try and join =(
> 
> 4) The fear that your parents might think it's a tag match, and try
> to tag your partner out.
5) The fear that your parents might provide color commentary or that
you are interrupted by your rival with a steel chair. Sex is a lot
like pro wrestling, you say things you would never say in public and
those words are always remembered.

-----------------

poster: Spiraldancer
subject: >>>>Sex
date: Fri Nov 16 01:19:18 2001

On Fri Nov 16 00:00:54 2001 Blackthorne wrote post #166:
> On Thu Nov 15 22:48:52 2001 Jomo wrote post #165:
> > On Thu Nov 15 21:06:51 2001 Daran wrote post #164:
> > > On Thu Nov 15 21:04:36 2001 Santiago wrote post #163:
> > > > which would be worse: 
> > > > having sex in front of a huge crowd in a boxing ring 
> > > > or 
> > > > having sex in front of your parents? 
> > > > 
> > > > things to consider: 
> > > > 1) the humiliation you'd feel if the crowd chanted "boring, boring!" 
> > > > 2)the humiliation you'd feel if your parents chanted "boring, boring!"
> > > > 
> > > > 
> > > 3) The fear that your parents might cheer you on or try and join =(
> > 
> > 4) The fear that your parents might think it's a tag match, and try
> > to tag your partner out.
> 5) The fear that your parents might provide color commentary or that
> you are interrupted by your rival with a steel chair. Sex is a lot
> like pro wrestling, you say things you would never say in public and
> those words are always remembered.
Amen to that. I can't count the number of times my wife has dropped
a 'bow on me and then tried to remove my mask, thus revealing my
identity to the world...

-----------------

poster: Blackthorne
subject: >>>>>Sex
date: Fri Nov 16 03:13:18 2001

On Fri Nov 16 01:19:18 2001 Spiraldancer wrote post #167:
> On Fri Nov 16 00:00:54 2001 Blackthorne wrote post #166:
> > On Thu Nov 15 22:48:52 2001 Jomo wrote post #165:
> > > On Thu Nov 15 21:06:51 2001 Daran wrote post #164:
> > > > On Thu Nov 15 21:04:36 2001 Santiago wrote post #163:
> > > > > which would be worse: 
> > > > > having sex in front of a huge crowd in a boxing ring 
> > > > > or 
> > > > > having sex in front of your parents? 
> > > > > 
> > > > > things to consider: 
> > > > > 1) the humiliation you'd feel if the crowd chanted "boring,
boring!" 
> > > > > 2)the humiliation you'd feel if your parents chanted "boring,
boring!"
> > > > > 
> > > > > 
> > > > 3) The fear that your parents might cheer you on or try and join =(
> > > 
> > > 4) The fear that your parents might think it's a tag match, and try
> > > to tag your partner out.
> > 5) The fear that your parents might provide color commentary or that
> > you are interrupted by your rival with a steel chair. Sex is a lot
> > like pro wrestling, you say things you would never say in public and
> > those words are always remembered.
> Amen to that. I can't count the number of times my wife has dropped
> a 'bow on me and then tried to remove my mask, thus revealing my
> identity to the world...
Don't forget the millions and millions of fans chanting "You suck!"
and the big 7 ft guy trying to chokeslam you if he's having a bad
day. Even worse, your partner trying to chokeslam you.

-----------------

poster: Marvin
subject: jokes
date: Mon Nov 19 06:38:59 2001

Bah, make it funny or put it in 'obscene'...

Ok, "revealing my identity to the world" was mildly humorous, but thats it.

-----------------

poster: Santiago
subject: Signs of 2001
date: Mon Nov 19 17:55:51 2001

>25 signs that you live in 2001....!!!! 
> 
> 
>1. You just tried to enter your password on the 
>microwave. 
> 
>2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your 
>family of three. 
> 
>3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's 
>time to eat. He 
>emails 
>you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?" 
> 
>4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web 
>site. 
> 
>5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from 
>South Africa, 
>but you 
>haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this 
>year. 
> 
>6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken 
>noodle soup to see 
>if it 
>contains Echinacea. 
> 
>7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file 
>of your newborn 
>so 
>she can create a screen saver. 
> 
>8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell 
>phone to see if 
>anyone is home. 
> 
>9. Every commercial on television has a web-site 
>address at the 
>bottom of 
>the screen. 
> 
>10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out 
>of date and now 
>sells 
>for half the price you paid. 
> 
>11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which 
>you didn't have 
>the 
>first 20 or 30 (or 40 or 50) years of your life, is 
>cause for panic 
>and 
>turning around to go get it. 
> 
>12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to 
>make a purchase 
>would 
>be a hassle and take planning. 
> 
>13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the 
>fast food bags out 
>of 
>the back seat of your car. 
> 
>14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family 
>is that they do 
>not 
>have e-mail addresses. 
> 
>15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully 
>slow. 
> 
>16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing 
>cabinet. 
> 
>17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored 
>Post-it notes. 
> 
>18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of 
>in person. 
> 
>19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone 
>calls. 
> 
>20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this 
>awful feeling, as 
>if you 
>just pulled the plug on a loved one. 
> 
>21. You get up in morning and go online before 
>getting your coffee. 
> 
>22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and 
>check your E-mail 
>on 
>your way back to bed. 
> 
>23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 
> 
>24. You're reading this. 
> 
>25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone 
>else...... 

-----------------

poster: Santiago
subject: Incriminati!
date: Mon Nov 26 06:25:09 2001

This is WAY too cool a game for everyone not to be playing it at all
possible times: 
http://www.seethru.co.uk/games/incriminati/incriminati.swf 
Javi

-----------------

poster: Santiago
subject: Deep Thoughts
date: Tue Nov 27 07:08:34 2001

I think these may have been posted before, but they're oh so funny
and worth a reprise...

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word
itself: "Mankind".
Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind".
What do these words
mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. 

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the
world spin real fast and
freak everybody out. 

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his
head out when you're coming home his face might burn up. 

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say
you're on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned
into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!,
you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you
on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think
again, bat man." 

I bet when Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would
always end up saying,"Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then
they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the
big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman. 

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite.
Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone.
"Here that?" you say."That's dynamite, baby."

 One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead i drove him to an
old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said. "Disneyland burned down."
He cried and cried, but I think deep down, he thought it was a
pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland,
but it was getting pretty late. 

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then
gets back on you, I think you should buck him off right away. 

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because
maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you
because hey, free dummy. 

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort
of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. 

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash
is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash
stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and
go, "What was THAT?!" 

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. 

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to
keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we
build to that. 

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr.. Brave
man, I guess I am a coward. 

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography, and the dancers hit each other. 

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to
calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the
doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know
what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in
the side of it's head with a note that says "You". After that I
usually feel a
lot better, and no harm done. 

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: uhh
date: Wed Nov 28 17:02:50 2001

http://www.ireland.com/newspaper/breaking/2001/1128/breaking16.htm

-----------------

poster: Onyx
subject: >uhh
date: Wed Nov 28 17:44:21 2001

On Wed Nov 28 17:02:50 2001 Uno wrote post #173:
> http://www.ireland.com/newspaper/breaking/2001/1128/breaking16.htm
New emote: ssp -> $N $vis all over $t like a Spanish soccer player.

-----------------

poster: Blaze
subject: 12 Incher
date: Thu Nov 29 07:41:17 2001

This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a
tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the
piano. This other guy notices it.

"Hey, what's that?"

"A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it,
made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist." 

"Can I try?" The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a
million ducks fill the room. 

"Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!"

"Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

-----------------

poster: Tranquil
subject: Christmas cake
date: Thu Nov 29 13:14:14 2001

This is an excellent recipe (make sure that you read it all)

 Christmas Cake Recipe!!

 Ingredients:
 1 cup of water 1 tsp baking soda
 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp salt
 1 cup of brown sugar lemon juice
 4 large eggs lots of nuts
 1 bottle Vodka 2 cups of dried fruit

 Method:
 Sample the vodka to check quality.
 Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
 To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
 Repeat.
 Turn on the electric mixer.
 Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
 Add one teaspoon of sugar.
 Beat again.
 At this point it's best to make sure the vodka is shtill OK.
 Try another cup .... just in case.
 Turn off the mixerer.
 Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
 Pick fruit off floor.
 Mix on the turner.
 If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a
 sdrewscriver.
 Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.
 Next, snift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a shit.
 Check the vodka.
 Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
 Add one table.
 Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
 Greash the oven and piss in the fridge (or sink).
 Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
 Don't forget to beat off the turner.
 Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the
 cat.
 Fall into bed.

 CHERRY MISTMAS!


-----------------

poster: Santiago
subject: This time of year...
date: Sat Dec  1 23:35:41 2001

At this time of year, many women are tempted to fall into the
"Martha Stewart" trap...but beware, lest they should catch the
"Martha Stewart" Disease...for all the men who fear their wives and
loved ones may have it, here is a run down of the symptoms and a
cure.

MARTHA STEWART DISEASE
by
DONNA LYPCHUK
Here are some early warning signs that you may be suffering from
"Martha Stewart Disease."

You have an obsession with hanging swags of brightly colored fabric
from curtain rods.

Your house is decorated with plaster-cast gremlins and angels.

Every shoebox and empty tin can in the house has been dcoupaged with
flowers cut out from old wrapping paper.

You float candles in the punch bowl at parties.

You use a gold ink pen to sign all your cards and to leave little
notes around the house.

You have glass jars filled with dried rose petals everywhere.

There are pots and pots of herbs on your windowsill, and each herb
is painstakingly labelled, along with a hand-drawn picture of the
herb.

You've made a doormat with a sunflower design on it out of old bottle-caps.

If given the choice, you would rather spend your weekend in Canadian
Tire than be taken out for a good dinner.

DEFINITE SYMPTOMS OF MARTHA STEWART DISEASE
You polish every lettuce leaf with a clean white cloth until each
one shines like a newly waxed car fender before you put it in the
bowl.

You save snowballs from last winter in your fridge, in case you need
them to create an ice-sculpture centrepiece.

You have tie-dyed all of your T-shirts with dyes made from
vegetables grown in your garden.

You've made wind chimes out of old coconut shells.

Your hedges have all been pruned to resemble chess pieces.

Your salads consist mainly of nasturtiums and pansies.

Every chunk of cheese on your cheese tray comes with a toothpick and
a little flag upon which is clearly labeled the cheese's country of
origin.

Your hair looks like a bonsai tree.

You hoard cookie cutters in all sizes, shapes and colors in a
kitchen drawer and nobody is allowed to touch them.

You insist on using ostrich eggs instead of regular-size eggs for
the annual Easter egg hunt.

You put rouge on your children's cheeks so they'll look all fresh
and rosy and apple-cheeked when company comes over.

ACUTE CASE OF MARTHA STEWART DISEASE
All of the grass in your front yard is braided.

You serve entrees in an attractive real bird's nest you found in a
nearby forest.

You make your own Jell-o from calves' hooves rather than buy the
powdered stuff.

You decorate your cakes with pieces of ceramic, bundles of chiffon,
buttons, marbles and other inedible stuff just because "it looks so
pretty."

Each and every flower in the back yard is wrapped in raffia and
sports a shiny red bow.

You serve wine to your guests in conch shells.

You've smeared the walls with yogurt so that over time, a
natural-looking greenish mould will grow, giving your home the
fashionably distressed look of an ancient Greek temple.

You dress all of your children, despite their gender, in white
chiffon dresses and white straw fedoras with white satin ribbons and
haven't fed them for days in case they grow into an awkward, gangly
phase.

You've macramd yourself a computer cozy from hemp and recycled plastic.

Before you go to bed at night, you spend hours on your hobby farm
putting the wool on your sheeps' bodies in hot rollers, so they will
look more fluffy and glamorous than the neighbor's.

You sleep outside the house, in a tent, so that you don't spoil your
perfectly made bed.

THE CURE
Remedy No. 1: Tie the afflicted woman in a chair and brace her head
with slabs of plywood so that she is unable to move her head. Force
her to look at a painting of dogs playing poker for one hour the
first day, two hours the second day, three hours the third day and
so on ...

Remedy No. 2: A night on the town with Don Cherry and his pals.

Remedy No. 3: Buy her a one-way ticket to Bosnia, Bangladesh or any
Third World country so she can appreciate the real meaning of
"lifestyle." 



-----------------

poster: Einar
subject: A Christmas Story Pt. 1
date: Tue Dec  4 06:08:59 2001

At a well, leading into sewers, our story unfolds...
"Heheh, hold your tongue and say apple."
"Shutup Sear."
"C'mon Athol, lighten up a little."
"I should be studying my scrolls now, why has Hag
asked us to come here again?"
"Because the players are getting cock."
"Cock?"
"Oh, coky, you know what I mean :P"
"Shutup already."
"Calm down Schizo, your just pissed off because
nobody visits you."
Athol chuckles slightly.
*Hag walks in*
"Well that's why we're here, aren't we?"
"Finally you come" everyone chimes in.
"I died again, that's why we're here, as I already stated."
"You die constantly, so you bother us by calling
this meeting?"
"Well, I -"
*Kraag walks in late*
"Am I late? What's the plan?"
"And you are here because?"
"Well, I thought we were getting rid of Santa."
"*WE* have a pronoun problem, *YOU* are not a top
slot eq mob, and *I* am, and *YOU* shouldn't be here."
"Exactly."
"And he speaks! It's a miracle!"
"Shutup."
"It's true Blackmon, you're so silent."
"Maybe because I don't want to sound like an idiot, making
remarks and adding my $0.02 to everything, like BOL
some people."
"Ok Ok, enough, settle down, Kragg, you may help if you wish,
now let me start."
"When Santa came last year, people got alot of ticket for
free reincs."
"Only the newbies got 'em."
*Hag gives Sear "the
look"*
"Somehow it ends up in the hands of huge people, willing to
reinc so they can do top-slot eq parties."
"So I thought, it would be a good idea if we stopped Santa
from giving these out."
"How?"
"Let's kill him."
Athol and Sear
both chime in unison "Tried it already."
"Can't kill Santa."
"Than what do we do?"
Blackmon coughs softly "Pronoun Problem".
"We are going to the Christmas Area and stealing all of
Santa's presents."
"Is that all""
"For now."
"Good, can we leave?""
"Yes, we'll have another meeting to work out the finer
details."
"Good, I can't wait until we steal the presents, I want a
Vorpal."
"It's nosace, obviously."
"Oh, never mind then."
Schizo whispers to B
ackmon "Like he'll be doing anything anyway."
"Ok, let's leave, before someone hears us and announces it in
the news or something."
*Everyone gets up slowly and starts to leave*
Sear grabs Athol,
holding him behind everyone else.
"What is it?"
"She's uglier than ever, isn't she?"
Athol grins, and then leaves, with
Sear following, grinning.



***NOTE: I don't expect anyone to think this is any good, I just
wrote it so my Mom thought it looked like homework. Any gratitude
for this small dose of laughter can be payed in the form of exp,
gold, or eq (or any combination). ;)***

-----------------

poster: Arkangyle
subject: >A Christmas Story Pt. 1
date: Tue Dec  4 15:03:03 2001

I dunno about payments, but I got a good laugh.

-----------------

poster: Zax
subject: Graduate Advice
date: Wed Dec  5 11:39:16 2001

Next time your application for a job is rejected ...
Dear [Interviewer's Name]:

Thank you for your letter of [Date of Interview]. After careful
consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your
refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been
particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of
rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of
candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous
experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does
not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate
employment with your firm immediately following graduation.

I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,
[Your Name]


-----------------

poster: Blackthorne
subject: Further signs of "sludding" (sleeping and mudding)
date: Sat Dec  8 15:11:37 2001

Well, it's been a while since I've reported signs of "sludding" (as
Mirrim puts it), so here goes:
1) No matter how many times you type 'pirate', you end up with
'pirtae' and 'priate'.
2) You consider listening to "Barbie Girl" while mudding.
3) You have commands named after the Spice Girls. I use Ginger to
get to RDC :)
4) Blob spelled backwards is bolb and this is a great discovery.
5) You discuss the physics of pigeons with others.
6) You discuss the physics of pigeons with yourself.
7) You still repeat things.
8) You still repeat...oh, I repeated that, didn't I?
9) You might actually want to know what the leftover joke is.
10) You might actually find the leftover joke funny. If that is so,
go to sleep immediately!
Happy "sludding" all.
-BT, the ever-sleepy...but he must watch Port Charles by God.

-----------------

poster: Baer
subject: Surviving the silly season.
date: Mon Dec 10 10:03:59 2001

Surviving the silly season - some pearls of wisdom I found at
http://www.abc.net.au/fly/survival/fullkit/s435959.htm

Roll out the reindeer ears, don the santa suit and prepare for a
time of complete stupidity. What is it about the end of the year
that brings out the dickhead in us all? Why do we all of a sudden
find ourselves attracted to the copy boy? Why is the Managing
Director leading a conga line with a lamp on his head? The answer is
simple - booze.

During this time of year these is a flood of festive drinks and even
people who don't normally drink (and they are the ones to really
watch out for - more on that later) start swigging down and believe
me -- it will all end up in tears and a heap of red faces. Add to
that the pressure of family responsibilities and the over rated New
Years Eve and it can all get a bit too much.

Before you reach for the Valium, never fear, The Minister of Bad
Behaviour is here and I've been there, seen it, done it, held hair
back while work colleagues and friends talk to God on the porceline
phone, given enough charity roots to make Mother Theresa proud and
even photocopied my tits for the hey of it. So here's your guide to
surviving the silly season.

THE WORK PARTY

It's always a toughie - all that free piss, all that pent up anger
at how much overtime you've done and how little you actually know
about 90% of your workmates. Here are some tips to surviving the
office party.

1.Don't buy a new outfit that is a little bit risque or is high
maintenance - you'll only draw attention to yourself and be paranoid
all night - the last thing you want is to end up with your tits or
arse hanging out at the end of the night.

2. Pace - that's what it's all about. It's not a race and there is
never a first prize for getting the most pissed - and if there is,
leave your workplace NOW! Unless your playing for the Australian
Cricket Team then this is totally acceptable behaviour and actually
applauded.

3. Don't drink the champagne unless you see it come directly out of
a Bolle or Moet bottle. It WILL be your downfall and there is
nothing worse that a champagne hangover - apparently it's to do with
bubbles.

4. Keep the beer googles off at all times - that guy/girl in
accounting wasn't good looking this morning and I can gaurentee you
they still aren't and definately won't be the next morning.

5. Don't start telling people exactly what you think of them or
intimate details about your private life.

6. Don't believe the managing director when he tells you he's always
fancied you, his wife doesn't understand him and that your in line
for a BIG promotion in the New Year.

7. Eat - it's always our downfall. All that nibbly food
(canapes,dips et al) are not a meal and we all know, if your going
to drink like Keith Richards you need some tucker to keep you
going.

8. Always remember that cocktails have oodles of booze in them. They
may taste "fruity" and they are, but they are also highly alcoholic
and after a few of those you'll find yourself with those little
umbrellas and swizzle sticks in all kinds of unwanted places.

9. Don't try drugs for the first time - this one is pretty obvious.

THE FAMILY / INLAWS AND YOUR OWN

Family- you can't live with them and you can't live with them but
you got 'em so you just gotta do it. The tricky thing about this
time of year can be the in laws or meeting your partners parents for
the first time, its not that hard you just have to follow a few
simple rules.

1. Always dress neatly - don't rock up in a micro mini or a pair of boardies

2. Try not to meet them for the first time over the family dinner -
it's awkward and the pissed great aunt is always a bit of an
embarassment.

3. Take a small gift that isn't obvious - that is - no soap on a rope!

4. Compliment the chef on their food - have seconds and ask for a
doggy bag - even if it is truly hideous -smile, smile, smile.

5. Don't get toooooo pissed - always make sure you are more sober
than them - water is not an evil thing

NEW YEARS EVE

I personally think this is the most overrated night of the year.
It's like a licence for people to become complete morons and let's
face it - do you really want to pay a huge ammount of money for a
few fireworks? There is so much expectation to have a good time, go
off, party, party, party .. and there are always so many people who
are completely mortified they don't go out again until the silly
season comes around.

1. Get away - grab some mates and head out of town where you can
just do your own thing and not feel as through you really should do
something.

2. If you MUST do New Years try and treat it like any other night
and just have a good time.

3. Don't under any circumstances do the Charity root on New Years -
if you start out that way you'll set a patter and end up being the
RSPCA for Larry Losers for the rest of the year (this applies to
both sexes).

4. Don't buy drugs off anyone you don't know - it will all end on tears

5. If you want to get a pash for the big gong at midnight - eye
someone up at least a few hours earlier and don't get too smashed -
a bit is good but let's face it - 2 people completely off their
chops playing tonsil hockey for the first time is never a good look
and it's even worse on New Years, or as I say, unnecessary.

If you try and stick to these rules, with a bit of moderation thrown
in you should have a wicked time. I'm not saying be virtuous, don't
drink, don't have fun ... get real! It would be like the Pope
telling Catholics to start practising safe sex or to all runout to
Mardi Gras!

It's all about pace, decorum and having mates who'll say "Love, Your
f*%$@ed." But one rule I believe we should all follow and keep as a
universal manifesto is :He Who Buys The Most Beers Wins. That's what
the silly season is all about -Generosity of spirit!

ENJOY AND GO OFF!

PS: It's not He Who Drinks The Most Beer Wins - that's some kind of
frat house party game - a whole other story .......


-----------------

poster: Ant
subject: hur hur hur
date: Tue Dec 11 07:27:56 2001

It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep 

It can buy a Clock
But not Time 

It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge 

It can buy you a Position
But not Respect 

It can buy you Medicine
But not Health 

It can buy you Blood
But not Life 

It can buy you Sex
But not Love 

So you see, money is not everything
And it often causes pain and suffering 

I tell you all this because I am your Friend
And as your Friend, I want to take away all your pain and suffering. 

So send me all your Money and I will suffer for you.

- Ant is waiting for your $$$...


-----------------

poster: Phire
subject: Alternative Christmas songs
date: Tue Dec 18 20:41:16 2001

The great thing about this time of year is that there are songs for all
types of people, even those that hate Christmas.

 Sung to the tune of: "Jingle Bells"


 *Chorus*
 Chistmas sucks
 Chistmas sucks
 I hate Christmas time
 Being so damned cheery
 should be an effin' crime
 Oh!
 Chistmas sucks
 Chistmas sucks
 I hate Christmas time
 It's your favorite season
 but surely isn't mine

 I think Santa sucks
 All his elves are queer
 riding in their sleigh
 with silly pointed ears

 Santa's wife's a slut
 sneaks out when she can
 to meet up with her brand new
 abominable snowman

 Oh!
 *Chorus*

 Rhudolf was a rube
 all he was was used
 exploited for his nose
 beaten and abused
 
 Frosty is a prick
 with his stove pipe hat
 Hope the sun will come out soon
 and liquify his ass
 
 Oh!
 *Chorus*
 
 Spend your hard earned cash
 on people that you hate
 Put yourself in debt
 for worth-less ingrates
 
 Try to fill the list
 While toy makers get rich
 The only thing your children do
 is bitch and bitch and bitch
 
 Oh!
 *Chorus*
 
 Putting up the lights
 Decorating lawns
 Candles, bows, and wreaths
 Singing crappy songs
 
 I can't take that shit
 Makes me want to spew
 Makes me want to lose my lunch
 and hurl all over you
 
 Oh!
 *Chorus*
 

-----------------

poster: Gabrielle
subject: Minnesotans in hell
date: Fri Dec 21 23:35:24 2001

> Two guys from Minnesota die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil 

>stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber 

>hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you 

>doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" 

> 

> The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Minnesota, the land of ice 

>and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you
know." 

> 

> The devil decides that these two arne't miserable enough and turns up the 

>heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed 

>in their parkas, mittens and hats. 

> 

> The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys 

>feel that?" 

> 

> Again the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from 

>Minnesota, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a 

>little bit, you know." 

> 

> The devil gets a little steamed up and decides to fix the two guys. He 

>cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and 

>screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Minnesota 

>and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking
beer. 

> 

> The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in absolute misery, and 

>you seem to be enjoying yourselves." 

> 

> The two Minnesotans reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm 

>weather up there in Minnesota, so we've just got to have a cookout when the 

>weather is nice." 

> 

> The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he 

>comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold 

>all their lives. He decides to turn the heat to hell off. 

> 

> The next morning, the tempurature is below zero, icicles are hanging 

>everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan
or 

>even gnash their teeth. 

> 

> The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Minnesotans. He finds 

>them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down
and 

>cheering. 

> 

> The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, 

>you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with 

>you two?" 

> 

> The Minnesotans look at the devil in surprise. "Well, don't ya know if 

>hell froze over, that must mean the Vikings won the football game!" 

-----------------

poster: Rhino
subject: bin loden
date: Sat Dec 22 01:39:21 2001

Tell me if u herd his on before.  Fay youok.  Joe walkes up to Frank
and says"Hay you Hear we cough Bin ladon?"
Joe says "No."
Joe says "yes we spraied Viraga all over Afganistan and the little
pecker poped right up.:"

-----------------

poster: Onyx
subject: >bin loden
date: Sat Dec 22 02:23:24 2001

I herd dat bin loden yoke befor.  U got mor gud yokes?

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: A panda and a sandwich
date: Sat Dec 22 03:10:07 2001

A panda walks into a sandwich bar in San Francisco and orders a
cheese sandwich.

This is pretty strange even in SF, but the Panda has the money and gets
the sandwich, which they eat.  Then they pull out a gun and shoot
out the lights!
After that, they casually walk towards the door to leave.

The person serving is so surprised that they aren't scared and
call out to the panda: "What is going on?  You ate a sandwich, shot
the lights and
now you are leaving.  Explain yourself!"

The panda replies "I'm a panda.  Look it up" and leaves.

"Panda: large marsupial.  Eats shoots and leaves"

-----------------

poster: Trigon
subject: >A panda and a sandwich
date: Sat Dec 22 04:53:09 2001

I heard something like that.
This koala bear comes into the big city, and he's feeling restless
so he get a prostitute and they go up into her room and do their
business, then the koala races for the door, and the prostitute
yells "Hey, you didn't pay!"  The koala bear yells look up koala in
the dictionary and heads out the door.  So the prostitute gets out
her dictionary and looks up koala and it says "Small bear, grey,
eats bush and leaves."
Haha! yeah, puddle

-----------------

poster: Trance
subject: >bin loden
date: Sun Dec 23 01:05:51 2001

On Sat Dec 22 01:39:21 2001 Rhino wrote post #186:
> Tell me if u herd his on before.  Fay youok.  Joe walkes up to Frank
> and says"Hay you Hear we cough Bin ladon?"
> Joe says "No."
> Joe says "yes we spraied Viraga all over Afganistan and the little
> pecker poped right up.:"
1) learn how to spell.
2) please, put only jokes that are actually humorous in the news.
3) anus.

-----------------

poster: Wildchild
subject: Everquest of the Rings
date: Sun Dec 23 01:12:23 2001

A joke on an Everquest message board that a friend sent me the URL for.
I suppose only really will peeps that have played Everquest will get
all of it, but alas.

---------

SCENE: Rivendell. Elrond is studying.
SCENE: Rivendell. Elrond is studying.

GANDALF: Ach! Damn it!

ELROND: Gandalf! Where did you come from? ... You're naked.

GANDALF: Stupid halflings who can't play their class, that's what happened.

ELROND: What? Where?

GANDALF: Moria. We were in the safe hall at Balin's Tomb and Aragorn
was going to pull some orcs to clear the way to the zoneout. 

ELROND: Which halfling messed it up? Frodo?

GANDALF: No, it was Pippin. I didn't even want to bring him along
but Frodo did insist. Aragorn was going to pull some orcs but out
comes Pippin to 'see what Aragorn was doing' and manages to aggro
half the zone.

ELROND: So you got wiped out by a horde of orcs? Yuck.

GANDALF: Oh, no. They were green to most of us, so we cut through
them all right. I was impressed by Legolas' bow crits. But then the
Cave Troll got aggroed.

ELROND: But there were nine of you, you could have handled the cave troll.

GANDALF: Oh, and we did. Except Frodo didn't know how to manage
aggro properly. The troll started beating on him.

ELROND: Oh, no. Poor Frodo.

GANDALF: No, actually, Frodo was fine. He had a mithril chain tunic on.

ELROND: Jeez, just because he's friends with Bilbo, does Bilbo have
to twink him like that?

GANDALF: Yeah, no kidding. So the troll ran and Pippin of course
forgets to snare.

ELROND: Aragorn's a ranger, why didn't he snare?

GANDALF: He was our main tank and was busy keeping the orcs aggroed
on him. Pippin was just sleeping on the job. So the troll ran, and
before we finally cut him down, he chain aggroed the Balrog.

ELROND: Oh, no. Stupid halfling dr00ds.

GANDALF: Yeah. So naturally, I decided to take it on the chin. I
told everyone to run and I tried to hold off the Balrog by rooting
him.

ELROND: And he got you.

GANDALF: No, actually, I had my shield up, and I just chain-nuked him.

ELROND: You SOLOED the Balrog? Wow.

GANDALF: Yeah, one hell of an XP hit too. But then when he fell, I
turned and slipped off the ledge. I 10Ked when I hit the bottom of
the Balrog pit. Didn't even  have chance to loot his corpse. And
there went the XP from the orcs, the troll, AND the Balrog. Stupid
Verant.

ELROND: Your corpse is in the bottom of the Balrog pit?

GANDALF: Yeah. But no worries, I think I know a way to drag it out of there.

ELROND: That's good.

GANDALF: So, can I bum a SoW off you for a CR? I want to get back
there before the Balrog respawns.

ELROND: This is Rivendell. We're high elves. The wood elves are in Lothlorien.

GANDALF: Nadgers. Which is where we were headed in the first place.
Oh well, I'm a wizard at least, and there's a portal not too far
from there.

GANDALF: Nadgers. Which is where we were headed in the first place.
Oh well, I'm a`                      wizard at least, and there's a
portal not too far from there.`                      ELROND: Good
luck on your CR. Why were you hanging out with those noobs anyway?
fooey...

ELROND: Good luck on your CR. Why were you hanging out with those
noobs anyway?

GANDALF: I promised Frodo I'd powerlevel him in exchange for him
completing the Cracks of Doom quest with me. He has the quest piece
- the One Ring.

ELROND: That's NO DROP, isn't it.

GANDALF: Yeah. 

ELROND: What do you get for completing that quest?

GANDALF: Robe of the White and Staff of the White. Those would be
serious upgrades to my Grey robe and staff. I've had this gear for
way too many levels anyway.

ELROND: Nice. 

GANDALF: Anyway, I'd better go. Do you think you could get someone
to go to the  Moria zone to rez me once I get my corpse pulled
there?

ELROND: I'll try to find a guildie.

GANDALF: Thanks. 

(Exeunt.)


==========

Ohh, suppose I could've started by saying this would have spoilers... oops.

Oh, and to go along with this, I had a friend say to me last night
over a chat:
Elrond: "Welcome to Riverdell, Mr. Andersen" :)

-----------------

poster: Celine
subject: Hrm.. Check this out...
date: Wed Dec 26 07:33:00 2001

www.drunkgamers.com/media/mario.swf

-----------------

poster: Trance
subject: Hey, White boy!
date: Sun Jan  6 15:04:14 2002

Dear white fella, 
Couple things you should know: 
When I was born, I black 
When I grow up, I black, 
When I go in sun, I black 
When I cold, I black 
When I scared, I black 
When I sick, I black, 
And when I die, I still black. 
 
You, white fella, 
When you born, you pink 
When you grow up, you white 
When you go in sun, you red 
When you cold, you blue 
When you scared, you yellow 
When you sick, you green 
And when you die, you grey. 
And you have the fucking nerve to call me colored? 

-----------------

poster: Hymn
subject: obs!!...only fer swedes its in Swedish..:(
date: Wed Jan  9 00:07:58 2002

Julsagan (den muterade varianten);Midvinternattens köld är svår
Tjugofyra små nissar i djupsnö går
Rävsax gömd under täcke vitt
Knipsar nisse av på mitt
Livsandarna för honom tryter
Snart i eget blod han flyter;Tjugotre små nissar i smällkalla natten
Vandra så stilla i spår av katten;Örnen i sitt näste ruva
Då han ser en liten luva
Han dyker ner från grenen där han bor
Och krossar nisse med vassa klor;Tjugotvå små nissar mot bebyggelse
Vandra i långan rad, efter varandra;Över vägen de måste passera
Då en landmina brisera
Nisse skjuts i höjden likt raket
Var han nu är ingen vet;Tjugoen små nissar i midnattstimma
Traskar fram i månljusstrimma
Ugglan hoar i från näste
Istapp faller i från fäste
Nisse spetsas utav tappen
Tomte ligger död på trappen;Tjugo små tomtar på lustigt vis
Kanar på trappan, hal av is
Nisse bevisar att Newton har rätt
När han halkar på komiskt sätt
Tyngdaccelerationen mot marken drar
Utav nisse inget finns kvar;Listig fälla husbon monterat
Detta har nitton nissar intresserat
Offer i fällan är vanligtvis möss
Men trots det blir med nisse adjöss
Nisse kapas i delar åtta
Fast han inte var en råtta;Utanför dörren står grötfat och ångar
Arton nissars intresse det fångar
Med stigande hunger fatet de nalkar
En stackars tomte på kanten halkar
Han sliter, han kämpar, han svettar sig blöt
Men sjunker likväl i kvicksandslik gröt;Sjutton nissar efter ingång leta
Dess placering ingen veta
Upp på väggen stegen hänger
Nisse runt denna ett snöre slänger
Tomten runt halsen snöret vira
Hans död de sexton genast fira;Många springor stugan har
Där sexton tomtar in sig tar
Katten som bak dörren ruva
Slukar nisse med hull och luva
Resterna av tomtehand
Suger kisse bort från tand;En av de femton i köket ränner
För att mata sina vänner
Han i mikrougnen letar
Och bland innehållet petar
Kortslutning i startknapp gör
Att nisse smälter ner till smör;Mikrovågor har nisse kletat
När fjorton tomtar efter ätbart letat
Högfrekvens var ganska illa
Nisse efter spänning pilla
Kilovolt i nisses händer
Ljusbåge så vackert tänder;Efter var husmor maten lagt
Tretton tomtar gå på jakt
Nisse in i frysen kryper
Farenheit i kinden nyper
Luvan blir av kylan vass
Nisse omvandlas till glass;Tolv små tomtar mot julbord ila
Snabbt de uppför bordsben kila
När sista tomten över kanten hasa
Han tappar greppet och nedåt rasa
Faller nedåt likt ett lod
Mattan färgas röd av tomteblod;Elva tomtar vill husmor hjälpa
Med att tallrikar i diskvattnet stjälpa
Kemi som hobby husmor har
Av misstag de flaskan med kungsvatten tar
Nisse dyker i preparerat vatten
Nu han fräser liksom katten;Tomtar tio i väldig iver
Springer runt, ty hungern river
Nisse snubblar på sitt skägg
Faller rätt på knivens egg
Lilla nisse, stackars saten
Rinner ut i sillsallaten;Nio små tomtar har festat på sill
Och nu de törsten släcka vill
De rusar mot glöggen i samlad tropp
Tar för sig av drycken med varsin kopp
Ner faller nisse i glögg hett hav
Likt skållad mandel hans skinn faller av;Åtta nissar på väggen klättra
För att färgen på darttavlan bättra
Husbons grabb med sömnen trasslar
Undrar vad det är som prasslar
Pilen som pojken skickar med snärt
Sätter sig i tomtens stjärt;Sju små nissar sig mot golvet kasta
Och de nu mot julgran hasta
Julgransfoten fylld med vatten
Ser de ej i mörka natten
Nisse vill här bada sig
Drunkna bort från livets stig;Sex små tomtar sig i granen svingar
Mellan ljus och änglavingar
Nisse sig för när våga
Snart han står i ljusan låga
Doftar snart likt vidbränd stek;Ångrar då sin ystra lek
Granen är en farlig plats;Fem små nissar nedåt tar sats
De sakta ner för grenar glider
Barren då i baken svider
Tomtens resa slutar fort
En glasklar kula gör honom till lort;Fyra tomtar runt varandra springer
Då helt plötsligt telefonen ringer;Äldsta dottern i denna svara
Tomte undrar vad detta kan vara
Nisse upp på klykan stretar
Luren läggs på som honom kletar;Tre små tomtar kring sig tittar
Då en smällkaramell de hittar
Ner på denna nisse hoppar
Men för detta den ej stoppar
På golv, i tak, på gardin med frans
Finns nu nisses hjärnsubstans;Två små tomtar dator hittar
Och i denna de nu tittar
Nisse flexskiva vill vara
Då dator fil på honom spara
Nisse inget skrivskydd har
Så nisse slutar sina dar;Husbond stiger upp om natten
För att kasta lite vatten
Under husbonds tunga toffla
Nisse blir till krämig våffla
Snön ligger vit lite här och var
Inte en djävla tomte finns kvar

-----------------

poster: Hymn
subject: Bah have to do it again still only on Swedish..:(
date: Wed Jan  9 00:13:16 2002

Julsagan (den muterade varianten)

Midvinternattens köld är svår
Tjugofyra små nissar i djupsnö går
Rävsax gömd under täcke vitt
Knipsar nisse av på mitt
Livsandarna för honom tryter
Snart i eget blod han flyter

BAH...jag orkar inte sitta å kopiera in varenda rad...den finns på
www.skrattnet.com på roliga historier å på diverse historier..:)
/Hymn

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >Bah have to do it again still only on Swedish..:(
date: Wed Jan  9 05:55:23 2002

On Wed Jan  9 00:13:16 2002 Hymn wrote post #196:
> Julsagan (den muterade varianten)
> 
> Midvinternattens köld är svår
> Tjugofyra små nissar i djupsnö går
> Rävsax gömd under täcke vitt
> Knipsar nisse av på mitt
> Livsandarna för honom tryter
> Snart i eget blod han flyter
> 
> BAH...jag orkar inte sitta å kopiera in varenda rad...den finns på
> www.skrattnet.com på roliga historier å på diverse historier..:)
> /Hymn
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahaha ha
uhh

-----------------

poster: Wildchild
subject: a writer
date: Thu Jan 10 03:39:33 2002

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire
become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that
the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a
truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, and
howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

-----

-WC

-----------------

poster: Baer
subject: uno
date: Thu Jan 17 01:41:49 2002

popsicle

-----------------

poster: Baer
subject: ooh aah
date: Sun Jan 20 12:34:36 2002


AN ELDERLY couple had been dating for some time and decided it was
time to marry. Before the wedding they had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances,
living arrangements and so  on. Finally the old man decided it was
time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do
you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully. "Well, I'd have to
say I like it infrequently," the woman responded. The old guy paused
then asked, "Was that one word or two?"  


-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: Top Tip!
date: Mon Jan 21 04:16:12 2002

Save money on expensive personalised number plates!
Just change your name to the characters on your number plate.

-----------------

poster: Genesis
subject: baby smasher
date: Mon Jan 21 10:54:26 2002

babysmasher.com 
WHEE!

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: SWEET
date: Thu Jan 24 16:28:01 2002

http://www.bol.ucla.edu/~rahjr79/ninja.htm

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: Computer Stupidities
date: Fri Jan 25 01:19:43 2002

A whole website full of them, recently updated.  Helpdesk calls
from people who can't install software...and it takes 5 mins before
they casually mention that they don't have a computer yet.  Stuff like
that.

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: >Computer Stupidities
date: Fri Jan 25 01:21:34 2002

On Fri Jan 25 01:19:43 2002 Tahnval wrote post #204:
> A whole website full of them, recently updated.  Helpdesk calls
> from people who can't install software...and it takes 5 mins before
> they casually mention that they don't have a computer yet.  Stuff like
> that.
Gah!  The URL is http://www.rinkworks.com/stupid/

-----------------

poster: Hymn
subject: Kungasaga...
date: Fri Jan 25 02:10:51 2002

jag varnar er den här är varken kul eller bra...men ni kanske lär er nått...
obs!...har skrivit den själv som ett skolarbete...:p

Kungasaga

Sent på natten är kylan svår
Sex  kungar i skogen går
Gustav Vasa då möter i en backe
Den ettriga Nils Dacke
Men Gustav skida med bara en stav
Senare han själv upp gav å ner i dödens djupa hav

Fem kungar ryssland närma
När Gustav den andra plötsligt härma
Nån snubbe ifrån polen
Som smuttat för mycket på bålen
Sedan lade han sista pytsen
När han sköts till döds i Lützen 

Fyra kungar mot Danmark traska
Men karl den tionde ville inte maska
Tog inte vägen över nått segt fält
Utan gick istället över lilla bält
Å vilken sorg
När han plötsligt dog i Göteborg

Tre kungar mot Poltava tåga
Ser några hus i ljusan låga
En soldat med vapen sikta
På Karls huvud utan att svikta
Sas att han föddes med segerhuva
Men nu en knapp sitta i hans luva

Två kungar till Stockholm skynda
Väl framme Adolf fredrik synda
Över honom hans fru bossa
I en massa semlor han frossa
I sig han kasta alla
Med det hans galla inte palla 

En kung på staden går
Runt en massa folk med låtsas hår
Gustav den tredje på operan vill
Maskeraden där han dras till
Där han står vid matens bord
Skjuts där vilket prakt mord


jaja...gnäll inte jag var trött som fan när jag skrev den plus att
jag skulle försöka härma den om tomtarna för uppgiften gick ut på
att man skulle ta en känd sång eller dyligt å ändra på den....

/Hymn

-----------------

poster: Nightfall
subject: Poor dave
date: Sun Jan 27 08:34:12 2002


At least once per day, without fail, my computer, like every computer I have
ever owned, has some kind of emotional breakdown. It simply stops working --
often when I'm not touching it -- and it puts a message on the screen
informing me that an error has occurred. It does not say what the error is,
nor where it occurred. For all I know, it occurred in New Zealand, and my
computer found out about it via the Internet, and became so upset that it
could not go on.

When this happens, I have to turn my computer off and start it up again. When
I do, my computer puts a snippy note on the screen informing me that it is
scanning its disks for errors, because it was shut down improperly.

''But I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!'' I shout, but my computer ignores me, because it
is busy scanning its disks. You just know that if it finds any errors, it's
going to blame me, even though I don't even know where its disks ARE.

While my computer is busy, I scan my wart. I have a wart on my right leg. It
has been there for many years. I call it Buddy. I keep an eye on Buddy, in
case his appearance changes. I've read that it's a bad thing, medically, when
a wart suddenly changes appearance. If I ever look down and see that Buddy has
turned green, or he's wearing a little pair of Groucho glasses, I'll know it's
time to take some kind of medical action. Such as quit drinking.

But my point is that because of computer weirdness, I regularly see an entire
morning's work -- sometimes as many as 18 words -- get blipped away forever to
the Planet of Lost Data. Needless to say, I use Microsoft Windows. I've been a
loyal Windows man since the first version, which required you to write on the
screen with crayons. Every year or so, Microsoft comes out with a new version,
which Microsoft always swears is better and more reliable, and I always buy
it. I bought Windows 2.0, Windows 3.0, Windows 3.1415926, Windows 95, Windows
98, Windows ME, Windows RSVP, The Best of Windows, Windows Strikes Back,
Windows Does Dallas, and Windows Let's All Buy Bill Gates a House the Size of
Vermont.

My computers keep having seizures, but I keep buying Windows versions, hoping
I'll get lucky. I'm like the loser in the nightclub who keeps hitting on the
hot babe. His shoes are squishing from the pina colada she poured on him, but
he's thinking: ''She's warming up to me!''


I bring this all up because now Microsoft has a new version out, Windows XP,
which according to everybody is the ''most reliable Windows ever.'' To me,
this is like saying that asparagus is ''the most articulate vegetable ever.''
But still, I am tempted. ''Maybe this will be the one,'' I say to Buddy, as
the two of us wait for the disks to be scanned.

If I do get Windows XP, I won't try to install it myself. I no longer mess
with the innards of my computer. The last time I tried was a disaster, even
though I enlisted the aid of my friend Rob Stavis, a medical doctor who is the
most mechanically inclined person I know. Rob can disassemble and successfully
reassemble a live human being. He and I recently spent an entire weekend
trying to solve an allegedly simple computer problem. We wound up at the
computer store, talking to guys who were trained by the Monty Python Institute
of Customer Service:

US: So, what do we need to make it work?

THEM: You need a model FRT-2038 expostulating refrembulator.

US: And that will make it work?

THEM: No.

Finally, I hired a guy named J.C., who is a Microsoft Certified Technician. He
was in my office for the better part of two days, most of it on the phone with
Technical Support. It was fascinating for me, a layperson, to hear the
technical terminology that J.C. used to get the information he needed: ''DO
NOT PUT ME ON HOLD, DO YOU HEAR ME? DO NOT PUT ME ON HO... HELLO? HELLO?? YOU
(very nontechnical term)!''

In the end, J.C. solved the problem. So now I'm thinking about hiring him
again. Because the more I think about this Windows XP, the better it looks,
sitting over there by the bar, drinking a pina colada. All I have to do is
make my move, and I'll have what every guy dreams of: computer reliability!

I worry about who will take care of Buddy.

Dave Barry

  -NF


-----------------

poster: Phire
subject: Social Mathematics
date: Mon Jan 28 19:56:08 2002

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to 
understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that
is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing 
the same thing to them at funerals.



-----------------

poster: Chrono
subject: funny site
date: Wed Jan 30 04:22:02 2002

at least the jokes are funny - http://thisisacryforhelp.com/

-----------------

poster: Grasfer
subject: jooookie
date: Thu Feb  7 20:36:34 2002

cyckelpump

-----------------

poster: Ant
subject: Today...
date: Fri Feb 15 14:23:57 2002

Hearts and roses and kisses galore, 
What the hell is all that shit for? 
People get mushy and start acting queer, 
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year. 
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass, 
Before I shove something up Cupid's ass. 
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak 
And wear black for the rest of the week. 
Guys act all sweet, but soon it will fade, 
For all they are doing is trying to get laid. 
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit, 
Cause I think this love thing is a crock of shit. 
So, here's my story... what else can I say? 
Love bites my ass... Fuck Valentines Day!! 


- A


-----------------

poster: Elendor
subject: Valentines messages
date: Sat Feb 16 02:33:28 2002

Just a few messages i found were sent by friends i thought
id share


Roses are red
Cabbages are green
Open your legs
And ill squirt in the cream



Roses are red
Violets are twisted
Bend over bitch
Your about to get fisted


Hope you enjoy and send them next year to loved ones :)

Elendor.

-----------------

poster: Sumerion
subject: ooga
date: Sat Feb 16 02:38:32 2002

Canada Hockey!

-----------------

poster: Wildchild
subject: >Valentines messages
date: Sat Feb 16 05:13:35 2002

On Sat Feb 16 02:33:28 2002 Elendor wrote post #212:
> Just a few messages i found were sent by friends i thought
> id share
> 
> 
> Roses are red
> Cabbages are green
> Open your legs
> And ill squirt in the cream
> 
> 
> 
> Roses are red
> Violets are twisted
> Bend over bitch
> Your about to get fisted
> 
> 
> Hope you enjoy and send them next year to loved ones :)
> 
> Elendor.

I thought we had an obscene group for these kinds of things? :P

-WC

-----------------

poster: Nyx
subject: Spell Checker
date: Sat Feb 16 20:24:57 2002

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
-Anon 

-----------------

poster: Trigon
subject: Beer stand
date: Sun Feb 17 20:22:11 2002

http://www.robhoran.com/videos/Video_Play.asp?Video_ID=311
It's this kid who was a beer stand, funny stuff.
trigon

-----------------

poster: Pyromaniac
subject: funny....kinda
date: Fri Feb 22 05:48:47 2002

this newgroup has been kinda dead lately so here are some funny
things to bring it back to life.....enjoy


THERAPISTS
Q. How many Freudian therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One to change the lightbulb, and the other to hold the penis...I 
mean ladder.


REC ROOM
Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the rec room of the retirement 
home with her fist clenched above her head. "Anybody that can
guess;what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight." An old man
looked up 
from the pool table and said, "An elephant?" Bessie thought about it 
for a second and said, "Close enough."


THE SAW
A blond guy looks into buying a saw to cut down some trees. He goes 
to a chainsaw shop and the dealer says, "I have a lot of models,
but;why don't you save yourself a lot of time and get the
top-of-the-line;model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of
wood in one day." 
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. 
After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he 
decides to quit. He thinks there's something wrong with the 
chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man 
asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut
all;day," the man tells himself. The next morning, he gets up early
and 
cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords. He 
is convinced this is a bad saw. The next day the man brings the saw 
back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by 
the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer 
says, "It looks fine." Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which 
the man responds, "What's that noise?"


GOVERNMENT WORKERS
GOVERNMENT WORKERS

Q. Why don't government workers look out the window in the morning?
A. Because then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon. 
FACTS OF LIFE
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in the big city. The 
mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several 
scantily dressed women loitering on a nearby street corner. The 
mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which 
point the daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those
ladies;waiting for by that corner?" The mother replies, "Those
ladies are;waiting for their husbands to come home from work." The
cabbie, upon 
hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, c'mon
lady.;Tell your daughter the truth, for crying out loud. They're
hookers!" 
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then 
asks, "Mommy, do the ladies have any children?" The mother 
replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

-----------------

poster: Celine
subject: funny shiz
date: Fri Feb 22 08:59:22 2002


A man piloting a hot-air balloon discovers he has wandered far off
course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower altitude and
locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the balloon to within
hearing distance and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I
am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, about thirty
feet above this field."

"You must work in information technology," says the balloonist.

"Yes, I do," replies the man. "And how did you know that?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "what you told me is technically
correct, but of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're
going, but you expect my immediate help. You're in the same position
you were before we met, but now it's my fault!" 

-----------------

poster: Zavier
subject: funny? 
date: Fri Feb 22 19:27:51 2002

I'm kinda druink atm but I thought this was hillarious.

So there's a bear and a rabbit shitting in the woods. The bear turns to the
rabbit and says, "Hey man, you ever have and kinda problen with shit
sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit thinks a moment and says "...n-no."
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

-----------------

poster: Petra
subject: Enron Voicemail Super Funny
date: Sat Feb 23 00:16:34 2002

dragon HAHA if you have a good longdistance carrier you need to call
1-510-809-4466 its enrons (the scam companies) phone number some guy
changed their info and its funny as hell, like, if you would like to
file a law suit against enron press 1 now, if you would like to
learn how to servive retirement on macaroni and cheese press2,, :)

-----------------

poster: Tantrum
subject: Bumper stickers.
date: Sat Feb 23 03:18:58 2002

BUMPER STICKERS


Go ahead and honk. I'm reloading. 
SUPPORT THE RIGHT TO ARM BEARS 
You can have my guns when you pry them from my kids cold, dead fingers.
This car protected by a pissed off mother with a .45 auto. 

Won't it be nice when schools get all the money they need and the
Air Force has to have a bake sale to buy a bomber? 
i souport publik edekashun 
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of it's students. 
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. 
I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 
I is a college student
Honk if you hate noise pollution 
Clap one hand if you love Budda 
Honk if you don't give a damn 
Horn broken. Watch for finger. 
Honk if you love cheeses. 
Honk if you're illiterate 
Honk if the twins fall out 
Honk if you love peace and quiet 
Honk if parts fall off! 
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do. 
Strike a blow for justice: punch an attorney
Another Dopeless Hope Fiend 
WE HAVE ENOUGH YOUTH, HOW ABOUT A FOUNTAIN OF SMART 
HELP! I've tripped and I can't get down!
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others
The best way to change someone's mind is with a rock
Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway

-----------------

poster: Tantrum
subject: computer error message.
date: Sat Feb 23 03:19:28 2002

On startup: No keyboard detected. Press any key to continue.

-----------------

poster: Tantrum
subject: 100 reasons to be a guy.
date: Sat Feb 23 03:24:51 2002

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Nite Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on
every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere
you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that
everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow, without a whole lot of
acrobatics being involved.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is
coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without
even thinking (He must be mad at me)
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is
about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near you pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look
like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
just to skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's
population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell
your friends that you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might
become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in
the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer
and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice 
  anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.

-----------------

poster: Tantrum
subject: 100 reasons why its good to be a women. (huh?)
date: Sat Feb 23 03:25:44 2002

NOW THE WOMEN!!!!
1. We can get laid anytime we want
2. We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar
3. We piss sitting down so its easier to pass out on the toilet when
you're drunk
4. We get out of speeding tickets by crying
5. We get out of speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage or leg
6. We can sleep our way to the top of the class
7. We get to shop at Victoria's Secret
8. We can marry rich and then not have to work
9. We never have to pay when we go out on dates
10. Men take us on all expense paid trips- all we have to do is sleep
with them
29. Men are like tiles, lay em right the first time ya can walk all
over em forever
30. We can masturbate more in a day than men
31. 2 words- multiple orgasms
32. We don't have to constantly adjust our genitals
33. Sweat is sexy on us
34. We never run out of excuses
35. You guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we could
be having it that often
36. Doggie style- that way we get to watch the game too
37. We get expensive jewelery as gifts that we NEVER have to give back
38. We get candy, flowers and jewelery all the time cuz men mess up so
often
39. We can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in the
corner
40. Women are cleaner
41. Women have more than one erogenous zone (in case you guys didnt
&           know)
42. We're better arguers
43. We don't always have to think with our genitals
44. Massage!!!!
45. We're better parents
46. We never have to sit home alone on a weekend night
47. There's never a shortage of ready, willing and able men
48. We're flexible
49. When women get pissed we don't destroy property or hurt people- we
just take it out on the world in general because we can
50. Menopause- thank god we're not capable of having children after
we're 50
51. Menstruation- just another excuse to use so we can say "no" to sex
52. Men in uniform
53. There is no penis envy
54. We can just roll over and go to sleep after we masturbate because
there's no messy clean-up
55. It generally takes us less to get drunk
56. We have a higher tolerance to pain
57. We often get to cut in line
58. Most women actually look good in short shorts- men DON'T
59. Better tips
60. Women who don't wear underwear are considered sexy and wild, when
men do it, its rather disgusting
61. We have mastered civilized eating- we don't embarass our friends or
make loud bodily noises in public
62. Women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or
smell disgusting- thank god for long pants and perfume!
63. We can connive men into doing our homework, writing our papers or
carrying our books anytime we want
64. We don't have excessive amounts of body hair
65. We don't spend 45 minutes on the toilet
66. Men will pay us for sex
67. Smoking the seeds in marijuana doesnt make us sterile
68. We can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return
69. Men may fantasize about having sex with more than one woman at a
time, but we can have sex with an entire football team at once if
we want
70. Men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so that if
a car hits us, he gets hurt not us
71. Women sweat less
72. Women smell better
73. When women make their boyfriends mad, we don't have to waste money
on flowers or cards- a blowjob and sex fixes all
74. Men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats
75. Women don't get the humor in the three stooges
76. Women have three accessible holes
77. We don't get embarassed when buying tampons
78. We're better gossips
79. We have better fashion sense
80. We're better shoppers
81. We don't have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man
82. Our friends don't pick on us if we arent sleeping with anyone
83. Men don't know what our 'girl talk' is all about (and I'm
notgonna &           tell you)
84. We're all sittin on a gold mine- we know it and use it to our
extreme advantage
85. We don't have to drive when on a date
86. An ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become
presentable- ugly men are just fucked
87. Women can use the old "that mark on my neck is from a
curlingiron burn" line
88. Women know how fake it
89. Women look better naked
90. We know that rhythm doesnt only pertain to dancing
91. When women are short, we're petite, when men are short, they're
just short
92. Women do less time for violent crime
93. Women don't have to worry about not being able to get it up
94. An oblong vegetable is all we need for a good time anynight
95. Womens conversations generally consist of more than just
"uhhuh,&           yep ok then bye"
96. Women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood
97. Women never have to see combat
98. The remote control is not an extension of ourselves
99. Women are sexier

       and the 100th reson its better to be a woman- this one is definitely
worthy of reiteration:

       100. We can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY we want it!

-----------------

poster: Tantrum
subject: minnesotans
date: Sat Feb 23 03:26:54 2002


You Might Be A Minnesotan If...

 1.  You know that everyone has a "city preference"--Minneapolis or
St. Paul
2.  You have gotten frostbitten and sunburned during the same week
3.  You miss Machinery Hill at the State Fair
4.  ...but you still go for those mini-donuts and cheese curds!
5.  You know people who pronounce Duluth, "Doo-loot"
6.  You measure distance in minutes
7.  Weather is 80% of your conversation
8.  "Down south" to you means Iowa
9.  You call highways "freeways"
10. Snow tires come standard on all your vehicles
11. You've seen Rocky Horror Picture Show in Uptown.
12. You have no concept of public transportation.
13. 75% of your graduating high school class went to the University of
Minnesota
14. You've been to Fort Snelling on a field trip at some point in your
school days
15. You know the real state bird is the mosquito
16. You know more than 1 person that has hit a deer.
17. You say that the Megamall is just for tourists, yet go at least
once a month
18. People from other states love to hear you say words with "o"s  in
them.
19. You know what and where Dinkytown is
20. You went to a casino on your 18th birthday
21. Perkins was the only hangout option in high school
22. You have no problem spelling "Minneapolis"
23. You own at least one item that says "I'd rather be fishing"
24. You can list all the "Dales"
25. You used to think Deer Season was an official school holiday

-----------------

poster: Tantrum
subject: beer
date: Sat Feb 23 03:28:53 2002



-----------------

poster: Tantrum
subject: bah
date: Sat Feb 23 03:30:39 2002

okie that one didnt work for some reason :< ill try again.
Employee Performance Evaluations

> These quotes were reportedly taken from actual Federal employee
> performance evaluations:
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
> started to dig.
>
> His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
>
> I would not allow this employee to breed
>
> This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
> definite won't be.
>
> Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in
> a trap.
>
> When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
>
> He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
>
> This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
>
> He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to acheive
> them.
>
> This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
>
> This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
>
> Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together
>
> If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
>
> If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

-----------------

poster: Tantrum
subject: more.
date: Sat Feb 23 03:33:28 2002

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word that you're saying.
10. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don'tgive a damn.
14. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room
26. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
27. It might look like I'm doing nothing but at thelevel I'm really
quite busy.
28. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
29. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject

-----------------

poster: Tantrum
subject: K-mart can be fun!
date: Sat Feb 23 03:34:02 2002


1.  Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling
them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2.  Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the
store.
3.  Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute
intervals throughout the day.
4.  Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get
to join in.
5.  Contaminate the entire auto department by
sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6.  Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift
wrap.
7.  Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8.  Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9.  When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW,
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them
all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi!  I haven't&    
seenyou in so long!..." etc.  See if they play along to
avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask
yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap,&     anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're
taking it for a "test drive."
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about
five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the
department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire
store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner,
look mesmerized and say, "Wow.  Magic!"
20. Put M
M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from

-----------------

poster: Tamuli
subject: joke
date: Sun Feb 24 23:58:41 2002

american hockey!

-----------------

poster: Wildchild
subject: >joke
date: Mon Feb 25 01:44:01 2002

On Sun Feb 24 23:58:41 2002 Tamuli wrote post #230:
> american hockey!

Yeah, you're really fucking funny.

-WC

-----------------

poster: Tamuli
subject: joke
date: Tue Feb 26 03:00:59 2002

ya i thought so

-----------------

poster: Celine
subject: >joke
date: Tue Feb 26 03:02:05 2002

wtf?

-----------------

poster: Goroharahad
subject: speak english !
date: Sat Mar  2 23:18:11 2002

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her
Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5-yearphase-in plan that would be known
as "Euro-English".

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly,this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped
in favor of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan
have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words
like 'fotograf' 20% shorter!

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double leters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e' in the languag
is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th'
with 'z' and 'w' wiz 'v'. During ze fifz year ze unesesary 'o' kan be
dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kurs be
aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After ze fifz yer ve vil hav a rali sensibl ritn styl. Zer vil be no
mor trubl or difikultis and evriun vil find it ezi tu undrstand ech ozer.

Zen Z Drem Vil Finali Kum Tru!!


-----------------

poster: Trance
subject: >speak english !
date: Sun Mar  3 01:33:23 2002

Zis sunds suspisiusly lik Rusian to me...

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: Silly joke
date: Sun Mar  3 06:07:46 2002

A disembodied brain floats into a bar, accompanied by a set of jump
leads inching along like a caterpillar.

As soon as they enter the bar, the barman says "I'm not serving either of you"

They ask why, so the barman explains:

' fevered strength is DOWN
"You're out of your head already, and you look like you're going to
start something"

Chortle

-----------------

poster: Nightfall
subject: pong
date: Sun Mar  3 16:31:32 2002

http://www.euniverselive.com/oska/humor_pong.swf
little long, but decent regen fodder.

  -NF


-----------------

poster: Nightfall
subject: wasting time...
date: Sun Mar  3 16:36:36 2002

www.reallybadwebsites.com
self explanatory
  
  -NF

-----------------

poster: Nightfall
subject: true and sad
date: Sun Mar  3 17:09:03 2002

THE CLASS OF 2006

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change
things.  Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin
puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this
year's incoming freshman.

Here is this year's list:

1.  The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born
in 1984.
2.  They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and
probably did not
know he had ever been shot.
3.  They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
4.  Black Monday, 1987, is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
5.  There has been only one Pope.
6.  They were 9 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold
War.
7.  They have never feared a nuclear war.
8.  They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
9.  Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
10. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
11. Atari predates them, as do vinyl record albums.
12. The expression "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to
them. They
have never owned a record player.
13. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
14. They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced
when they were 1                       year old.
15. They have always had an answering machine.
16. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a
black and white TV.  They have always had cable.
17. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA MAX was.
18. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
19. They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is.
20. They don't know about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up"
commercial.

Feeling old yet? There's more:

21. They were born the year that the Walkman was introduced by Sony.
22. Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
23. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
24. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
25. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
26. They have never seen Larry Bird play.
27. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
28. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil
War.
29. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
30. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
31. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
32. They  never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel,"
or"De plane, de plane!".
33. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.
34. The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was.
35. Michael Jackson has always been white.
36. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not rock bands.
37. McDonalds never came in styrofoam containers.
38. There has always been MTV.
39. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

  -NF


-----------------

poster: Tamuli
subject: >true and sad.
date: Sun Mar  3 19:14:09 2002

my mom thought that was funny as hell :)

-----------------

poster: Zavier
subject: >true and sad
date: Mon Mar  4 05:57:51 2002

-Zav

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Team USA
date: Mon Mar  4 06:25:24 2002

WHAT DOES YOUR DAD DO 

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get 
to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for 
living. 
The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a 
postman." 

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic." 
Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease 
dancer in a cabaret for gay men." 
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later 
in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if 
it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. 
true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. 
He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays hockey for 
Team USA, and I was just too embarrassed to say so." 

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Team USA followup
date: Mon Mar  4 06:28:00 2002

Before everyone eats me...I'd like to point out I recieved that joke
in an e-mail from an American friend ;)

-----------------

poster: Wildchild
subject: >Team USA
date: Mon Mar  4 06:28:18 2002

On Mon Mar  4 06:25:24 2002 Javier wrote post #242:
> WHAT DOES YOUR DAD DO 
> 
> It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get 
> to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for 
> living. 
> The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a 
> postman." 
> 
> The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic." 
> Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease 
> dancer in a cabaret for gay men." 
> The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later 
> in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if 
> it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. 
> true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. 
> He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays hockey for 
> Team USA, and I was just too embarrassed to say so." 

Funny, if we'd won there wouldn't be jokes about your hockey team.
You won and you're still sore about it.
You sure you're not in league with the Russians?

-WC

-----------------

poster: Tamuli
subject: >>Team USA
date: Mon Mar  4 06:34:33 2002

i heard jokes about canadian BEFORE we won.

-----------------

poster: Atreau
subject: Team USA
date: Mon Mar  4 06:42:01 2002

WC, quit your bitching, its just a joke..if you can't take it don't
bother reading it.

-----------------

poster: Bigglesworth
subject: true and sad
date: Mon Mar  4 12:36:38 2002

bog..I applied to Beloit College in Wisconsin in 2001...and was accepted...
But I didn't go..damn that list... reminds me of my childhood..bah

-----------------

poster: Dalak
subject: >Team USA
date: Mon Mar  4 17:37:51 2002

On Mon Mar  4 06:25:24 2002 Javier wrote post #242:
> WHAT DOES YOUR DAD DO 
> 
> It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get 
> to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for 
> living. 
> The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a 
> postman." 
> 
> The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic." 
> Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease 
> dancer in a cabaret for gay men." 
> The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later 
> in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if 
> it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. 
> true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. 
> He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays hockey for 
> Team USA, and I was just too embarrassed to say so." 
Now you have gone too far ;)
Dal-Hoor

-----------------

poster: Magneto
subject: >>Team USA
date: Mon Mar  4 21:25:01 2002

ah let em have it.  It is good for them to win the sport they invented once 
every 30 years or so.  Besides not like they have much else goin for em.  I 
mean, the queen won't accept kick boxing or math challenges.
Mags

-----------------

poster: Uno
subject: >>>Team USA
date: Mon Mar  4 21:26:38 2002

On Mon Mar  4 21:25:01 2002 Magneto wrote post #249:
> ah let em have it.  It is good for them to win the sport they invented once 
> every 30 years or so.  Besides not like they have much else goin for em.  I 
> mean, the queen won't accept kick boxing or math challenges.
> Mags
What if Canada invaded Turkey?
Nobody would see that coming.

-----------------

poster: Dalak
subject: >>>Team USA
date: Mon Mar  4 21:28:56 2002

On Mon Mar  4 21:25:01 2002 Magneto wrote post #249:
> ah let em have it.  It is good for them to win the sport they invented once 
> every 30 years or so.  Besides not like they have much else goin for em.  I 
> mean, the queen won't accept kick boxing or math challenges.
> Mags
good point
Dal

-----------------

poster: Dalak
subject: >>>>Team USA
date: Mon Mar  4 21:29:29 2002

On Mon Mar  4 21:26:38 2002 Uno wrote post #250:
> On Mon Mar  4 21:25:01 2002 Magneto wrote post #249:
> > ah let em have it.  It is good for them to win the sport they invented
once 
> > every 30 years or so.  Besides not like they have much else goin for em.
 I 
> > mean, the queen won't accept kick boxing or math challenges.
> > Mags
> What if Canada invaded Turkey?
> Nobody would see that coming.
I dont think even Canada would see that coming
Dal-Hoor

-----------------

poster: Quillz
subject: >>>>Team USA
date: Mon Mar  4 21:36:49 2002

On Mon Mar  4 21:26:38 2002 Uno wrote post #250:
> On Mon Mar  4 21:25:01 2002 Magneto wrote post #249:
> > ah let em have it.  It is good for them to win the sport they invented
once 
> > every 30 years or so.  Besides not like they have much else goin for em.
 I 
> > mean, the queen won't accept kick boxing or math challenges.
> > Mags
> What if Canada invaded Turkey?
> Nobody would see that coming.
that would be awesome.  
After lying dormant for hundres of years, Canada marches into Turkey
and says, "Thats it, were takin it.  And were gunna name it Chicken,
fuckers!"

-----------------

poster: Zavier
subject: >>>>>Team USA
date: Mon Mar  4 21:52:25 2002

On Mon Mar  4 21:36:49 2002 Quillz wrote post #253:
> On Mon Mar  4 21:26:38 2002 Uno wrote post #250:
> > On Mon Mar  4 21:25:01 2002 Magneto wrote post #249:
> > > ah let em have it.  It is good for them to win the sport they invented
> once 
> > > every 30 years or so.  Besides not like they have much else goin for em.
>  I 
> > > mean, the queen won't accept kick boxing or math challenges.
> > > Mags
> > What if Canada invaded Turkey?
> > Nobody would see that coming.
> that would be awesome.  
> After lying dormant for hundres of years, Canada marches into Turkey
> and says, "Thats it, were takin it.  And were gunna name it Chicken,
> fuckers!"
ROFL! Th at's the funniest shit I've heard in a while! =]
*deep sigh*

-----------------

poster: Magneto
subject: >>>>>>Team USA
date: Tue Mar  5 01:52:21 2002

On Mon Mar  4 21:52:25 2002 Zavier wrote post #254:
> On Mon Mar  4 21:36:49 2002 Quillz wrote post #253:
> > On Mon Mar  4 21:26:38 2002 Uno wrote post #250:
> > > On Mon Mar  4 21:25:01 2002 Magneto wrote post #249:
> > > > ah let em have it.  It is good for them to win the sport they invented
> > once 
> > > > every 30 years or so.  Besides not like they have much else goin for
em.
> >  I 
> > > > mean, the queen won't accept kick boxing or math challenges.
> > > > Mags
> > > What if Canada invaded Turkey?
> > > Nobody would see that coming.
> > that would be awesome.  
> > After lying dormant for hundres of years, Canada marches into Turkey
> > and says, "Thats it, were takin it.  And were gunna name it Chicken,
> > fuckers!"
> ROFL! Th at's the funniest shit I've heard in a while! =]
> *deep sigh*
That would rule, just think.  Flapping heads WITH turbans

-----------------

poster: Reamus
subject: >>>>>Team USA
date: Tue Mar  5 02:23:21 2002

On Mon Mar  4 21:36:49 2002 Quillz wrote post #253:
> On Mon Mar  4 21:26:38 2002 Uno wrote post #250:
> > On Mon Mar  4 21:25:01 2002 Magneto wrote post #249:
> > > ah let em have it.  It is good for them to win the sport they invented
> once 
> > > every 30 years or so.  Besides not like they have much else goin for em.
>  I 
> > > mean, the queen won't accept kick boxing or math challenges.
> > > Mags
> > What if Canada invaded Turkey?
> > Nobody would see that coming.
> that would be awesome.  
> After lying dormant for hundres of years, Canada marches into Turkey
> and says, "Thats it, were takin it.  And were gunna name it Chicken,
> fuckers!"
Hey now, I happen to know for a fact that the Turkish military has a
state of the art fleet of M113 tanks (I ought to know I'm the one
that filed the majority of their engineering drawings)...on the
other hand, Canada does have the combat Bra...
So maybe...

Reamus

-----------------

poster: Kalma
subject: What's wrong with this picture?
date: Tue Mar  5 18:07:40 2002

http://www.jaybill.com/~jaybill/article.php?articleID=49

-k

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Mmmmmm, butter.
date: Tue Mar  5 23:27:47 2002

http://www.reallifecomics.com/d/20020207.html

-----------------

poster: Tamuli
subject: let us?
date: Wed Mar  6 01:23:12 2002

let us take it? we beat your ass DOWN! men and women.

-----------------

poster: Trance
subject: How to keep a healthy level of insanity
date: Wed Mar  6 17:47:51 2002

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity 

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a 
hair dryer at passing cars.  See if they slow down. 

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries 
with that. 

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in" 

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favours". 

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy." 

8. Don't use any punctuation marks 

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer. 

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". 

12. Sing along at the opera. 

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle 
sounds all day. 

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party 
because you're not in the mood. 

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name,** Rock Hard 
Kim***. 

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd
time this week!!!!!" 

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling 
"run for your lives, they're loose!!" 

19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to 
have to let one of you go." 

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....... 

20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, (including in
the news of the mud you play on - Trance) even if they sent 
it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this. 

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Why Newbies Shouldn't Have Communication Abilities
date: Wed Mar 13 01:34:46 2002

Thror tells you: who are you getting married to?
You tell Thror : Not a mudder :P
You tell Thror : A real live marriage.
Thror tells you: oh
Thror tells you: can i do an emote of to cows, the top one will be
you, the ottom will read hiswife
You tell Thror : I'm a girl, fucknut :P
Thror tells you: ok, didn't know that, FUCKNUT!
You tell Thror  (In Combat): ...because it was such an intelligent
thing to ask in the first place :P
Thror tells you: ok whatever

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Britney
date: Wed Mar 13 21:01:10 2002

For anyone who hasn't seen this yet, you need to.
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/020310/140/ctlq5.html 
Here's the story
And here are some pictures: (if the page doesn't work right away,
hit reload, that seems to help) 
http://www.aftonbladet.se/vss/noje/story/0,2789,139610,00.html 


Javi

-----------------

poster: Trance
subject: Still interested?
date: Thu Mar 14 21:36:58 2002

> > An advert found in the Australian Canberra Times, Personals 
> >  Section... 
> >  "WANTED" 
> > 
> >  A tall well-built man with good 
> >  reputation, who can cook frogs 
> >  legs, who appreciates a good fuc- 
> >  schia garden, classic music and tal- 
> >  king without getting too serious. 
> > 
> >  Interested? Then please only read 
> >  lines 1,3 and 5; still interested? 
> >  Call me at...... 8250-0327 


-----------------

poster: Zavier
subject: >Still interested?
date: Sat Mar 16 07:17:26 2002

On Thu Mar 14 21:36:58 2002 Trance wrote post #263:
> > > An advert found in the Australian Canberra Times, Personals 
> > >  Section... 
> > >  "WANTED" 
> > > 
> > >  A tall well-built man with good 
> > >  reputation, who can cook frogs 
> > >  legs, who appreciates a good fuc- 
> > >  schia garden, classic music and tal- 
> > >  king without getting too serious. 
> > > 
> > >  Interested? Then please only read 
> > >  lines 1,3 and 5; still interested? 
> > >  Call me at...... 8250-0327 
> 
Haa haha... ahem... That's great =]

-----------------

poster: Einar
subject: >>Still interested?
date: Sat Mar 16 22:09:52 2002

Umm... uber laf
She should put a pic though
Make more uber-type people interested
save
quit

-----------------

poster: Jimerson
subject: 50th Wedding Aniversary
date: Sun Mar 17 10:32:03 2002

A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
The wife says to her husband, "For our anniversary this year, you
can ask me one question, any question you want to. I will answer it
truthfully."

The husband replies, "Okay, this has been bothering me for a long
time, but I haven't had the courage to ask before...but I have
noticed that all of our eight children look similar to one another
except one. I can't figure out how he got to look so different. Did
he have a different father than the rest?"

The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes.
Slowly she replies, "yes. Yes he did have a different father." Her
husband was taken aback. "Oh! Okay...I must know. Please tell me.
Who was that child's father?" Again she cannot look her husband in
the eyes. She is very distressed, and after a long silence she
slowly said, "YOU."

-----------------

poster: Tahnval
subject: Arnold Schwarzeneggar plays chess...
date: Mon Mar 18 05:26:21 2002

Arnold Schwarzeneggar is playing a few games of chess.  It's
his turn to decide which colour to play.  When his
opponents asks him which colour he wants to play, what
does Arnold Schwarzeneggar reply?

"I'll be black".

-----------------

poster: Nightfall
subject: >Arnold Schwarzeneggar plays chess...
date: Mon Mar 18 17:44:52 2002

On Mon Mar 18 05:26:21 2002 Tahnval wrote post #267:
> Arnold Schwarzeneggar is playing a few games of chess.  It's
> his turn to decide which colour to play.  When his
> opponents asks him which colour he wants to play, what
> does Arnold Schwarzeneggar reply?
> 
> "I'll be black".

  Groan.

  -NF


-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: 10 Good things about a Bad haircut
date: Mon Mar 18 20:38:43 2002

From this month's "Glamour":

1. Hysterical sobbing does wonders for your abs

2. If people will still be seen with you in publid, you must be one
stellar individual.

3. Parting your hair six diffrent ways every day helps you empathize
with men who have comb-overs.

4. You're mor likely to exercise-great muscles cancel out bad hair.
Skeptical? Rent G.I. Jane

5. The whole thing teaches you this truth: Like your character, your
hair is always growing.

6. You won't be as intimidating to others because - at last! - you
have a genuine flaw.

7. Now people at work can give you a nickname.

8. Traffic, cramps and overcooked resturant meals don't seem so
intolerable by comparison.

9. Your grandmother's hat collection will finally come in handy.

10. hey, it's only hair. You realize you're beautiful anyway.

-----------------

poster: Magneto
subject: >>Arnold Schwarzeneggar plays chess...
date: Tue Mar 19 02:46:08 2002

On Mon Mar 18 17:44:52 2002 Nightfall wrote post #268:
> On Mon Mar 18 05:26:21 2002 Tahnval wrote post #267:
> > Arnold Schwarzeneggar is playing a few games of chess.  It's
> > his turn to decide which colour to play.  When his
> > opponents asks him which colour he wants to play, what
> > does Arnold Schwarzeneggar reply?
> > 
> > "I'll be black".
> 
>   Groan.
> 
>   -NF
> 
Magneto's hand wavers over his dest tool as he watches Tahnval carefully.

-----------------

poster: Magneto
subject: amusing website of the day
date: Fri Mar 22 01:49:53 2002


http://www.skippyslist.com/

this sure does remind me of grendel

-----------------

poster: Trigon
subject: Think of the kittens....
date: Fri Mar 22 03:44:00 2002

http://www.zachnorris.net/godkills2.jpg
eeehurhur

-----------------

poster: Miciaih
subject: nerd hunting
date: Sat Mar 23 07:16:59 2002

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops
for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door
saying ''Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!'' He goes in
and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. 
''You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?'' 
''I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling.'' 
''Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,'' he says and serves him a beer. 
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny g
er
guy
walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with
twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too
long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and
blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked. 
''Why did you do that?'' 

''Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are
in season now. You don't even need a license.'' 
The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and
heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an
accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and
computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a
crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. 
. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the
nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole
load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun
and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car
screaming at him to stop. 
''What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver. 
''Well, sure,'' says the patrolman. ''But you can't bait 'em.'' 


-----------------

poster: Nightfall
subject: Ha ha
date: Mon Mar 25 08:40:13 2002

The older priest, speaking to the younger priest said, "I know you were
reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to replace
the first four rows of pews. It worked. We got the front of the church filled
first."
The young priest nodded and the old priest continued, "And, you told me a
little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I
supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir, that packed
us to the balcony."
>
"So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?"
>
"Well," said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the
drive-thru confessional."
>
"But Father," protests the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled
since I started that!"
>
"I know, my son, but that flashing "TOOT 'n TELL or GO TO HELL" neon sign
really has to go.

  -NF


-----------------

poster: Nightfall
subject: don't try this kids...
date: Mon Mar 25 08:47:45 2002

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his
veterinarian and
told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The vet told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix
the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the
doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama),
light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to
10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world,
but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going
to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count: "1". "2". "3". "4". "5". . . at which
point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on
his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi,Tennessee, and West
Virginia.

  -NF


-----------------

poster: Nightfall
subject: skew'd view
date: Mon Mar 25 08:50:48 2002

The world according to Americans.

http://crazy.codetroop.com/randimg/?america.gif

  -NF


-----------------

poster: Nightfall
subject: too true
date: Mon Mar 25 08:52:55 2002

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,
"Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her
life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
 
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why is the groom
wearing black?"

  -NF


-----------------

poster: Nightfall
subject: No apologies will be made..
date: Mon Mar 25 09:06:14 2002


http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0899/jar.html
Only the baptists would come up with this one.

  -NF


-----------------

poster: Nightfall
subject: A test
date: Mon Mar 25 09:14:39 2002

Get a pencil and paper and complete the answers; This test will most likely
determine your age group.
Have fun and no cheating (answers are at the bottom).

THE AGE TEST

1. Name the Beatles.
_________________
_________________
_________________
_________________

2. Finish the line: "Lions and Tigers and Bears, ____ ____ !"

3. "Hey kids, what time is it?" _____ _____ _____ _____.

4. What do M&M's do? ____ ____ ____ ____, ____ ____ ____ ____

5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways?  _____ _____.

6. Long before he was Mohammed Ali, we knew him as _____ _____.

7. You'll wonder where the yellow went, ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ___.

8. Post-baby boomers know Bob Denver as the Skipper's "little buddy."
But we know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie's closest friend,
______G._______.

9. M-I-C: See ya' real soon; K-E-Y: _____? ____ _____ _____ _____!

10. "Brylcream: ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____."

11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone _____ _____.

12. From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish this line:
"I wonder, wonder, wonder...wonder who; ____ ______ _____ _____ _____
____?"

13. And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one:
"War...uh-huh,huh...yea; what is it good for? , ____ _____."

14. Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending
battle for truth, justice, and _____ ____ _____.

15. He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one of the
best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL. He later went on to appear in
a television commercial wearing women's stockings. He is Broadway _____
______.

16. "I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man. I'm strong
to the finish, ____ ____ ____ ___ ____. I'm Popeye the sailor man."

17. Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently played by
Robin Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by
______  ______.

18. I n a movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne'er
do well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the heads of parking
meters with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after an unsuccessful
attempt to escape, the camp commander (played by Strother Martin) used
this experience as a lesson for the other prisoners, and explained, "What
we have here, ____ ____ ____ ____ ___."

19. In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a race
for governor while announcing his retirement from politics."Just think,
you won't have ____ ____ to kick around anymore."

20. "Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He stood six
foot, six, weighed 245. Kinda' broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the
hip.
And everybody knew you didn't give no lip, ____ ____,____ ____ ____."

21. "I found my thrill, ____ ____ ____."

22. ____ ____ said, "Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ____ ____ ____."

23. "Good night, David."  "____ ____,____."

24. "Liar, liar, ____ ____ ____."

25. "When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star today.
        ____! ____ ____ ____ ____."

26. It was Pogo, the comic strip character, who said, "We have met the
enemy, and ____ ____ ____."

ANSWERS:

1. John, Paul, George, Ringo
2. Oh, my
3. It's Howdy Doody Time!
4. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
5. Wonder Bread
6. Cassius Clay
7. when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
8. Maynard G. Krebbs
9. Why? Because we like you.
10. A little dab'll do ya.
11. over 30
12. who wrote the book of love
13. Absolutely nothin'
14. the American way
15. Joe Namath
16. "cause I eats me spinach"
17. Mary Martin
18. is a failure to communicate
19. Richard Nixon
20. Big John, Big Bad John
21. On Blueberry Hill
22. Jimmy Durante - Wherever you are.
23. Good night, Chet.
24. pants on fire
25. Smile you're on Candid Camera
26. he is us

SCORING:
24-26 correct - You're probably 50+ years old
20-23 correct - Most likely in your 40's
15-19 correct - Are we in our 30's?
10-14 correct - Must be in your 20's!!
1- 9 correct - You're, like, sorta a teenage dude?


  -NF


-----------------

poster: Nightfall
subject: racist
date: Mon Mar 25 09:22:15 2002

At the end of a tiny deserted bar sits a huge Mexican.
He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed, and
obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After
three or four beers, the gay fellow finally plucks up the
courage to say something to the big Mexican. Leaning
over towards him, he whispers, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the massive Mexican leaps up with fire in his
eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him
swiftly off his stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way
out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in
the parking lot and returning to his seat. Amazed, the
bartender quickly brings over another beer to the big
Mexican."I've never seen you react like that,he says.
"Just what did he say to you?" "I don't know," the big
Mexican replied. "Something about a job."
 
  -NF


-----------------

poster: Ladyhawk
subject: muah!
date: Wed Mar 27 02:34:31 2002

Well its not a joke but its damn funny. 
http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/world/europe/newsid_1894000/1894775.stm

-----------------

poster: Wagro
subject: Funny
date: Wed Mar 27 05:34:16 2002

This was posted by nyx or someone a long time ago, but thought i
would share it again =)

http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html

-----------------

poster: Mirrim
subject: At Least the Guys'll Love It
date: Fri Mar 29 04:33:37 2002

funny-funny-pictures.com/harley

-----------------

poster: Mirrim
subject: Try again
date: Fri Mar 29 04:34:17 2002

www.funny-funny-pictures.com/harley

-----------------

poster: Einar
subject: rofl lmfao hahaha!!!
date: Sun Mar 31 10:31:35 2002

http://www.annoyances.org/exec/show/article09-129
save
quit

-----------------

poster: Einar
subject: rofl lmfao hahaha!!! umm 2
date: Sun Mar 31 10:52:58 2002

http://www.cs.bgu.ac.il/~omri/Humor/ComputerLab50.html
save
quit

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Mergers
date: Tue Apr  2 06:39:39 2002

A number of years ago there was a proposed merger between
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that
the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild.

There is a merger in the works involving Polygram Records,
Warner Bros. and Keebler. It will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.

There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to
buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge
with the Hale Business Systems. This would result in the new
mega-corporation Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape:
Net'n'Yahoo. It didn't work out because they were afraid they
would have to relocate the headquarters to Tel Aviv.


Others in the works:

3M & Goodyear = mmmGood

John Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere Abi

Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm Home

Denison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine

3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney Opera

Grey Poupon + Dockers Pants = Poupon Pants

Knott's Berry Farm + National Organization of Women = Knott NOW

Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer = Crab Apple

Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = Swisscheese

Zippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi
Do Da

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Bicycle
date: Tue Apr  2 06:44:19 2002

During the Cold War many years ago, a young man would ride his
bicycle every day from Italy up to the check-point at the
Yugoslav border where he would be questioned by the uniformed
border-guard.

"Where are you going today, Capitalist Scumbag?" asked the
guard.

"To visit my mother, Sir."

"Step inside. You will be searched" ordered the guard.

The young man was thoroughly searched and released, but the
guard remained suspicious.

This routine was repeated every day for several years but the
border guard, still convinced that the man was a smuggler, could
find nothing.

Eventually, with the end of the Cold War, the border was opened
and the young man would occasionally stop in a tavern on the
Yugoslav side.

One afternoon, as he sat at the bar, the old border-guard came
over and sat down beside him.

"The War is over now", said the guard "and I am retired, but I
still have nightmares about you. You really were a smuggler,
weren't you."

"Yes, of course" replied the young man.

"But what were you smuggling?"

The young man swallowed a mouthful of beer and smiled.
"Bicycles" he replied.

-----------------

poster: Zifnab
subject: chocolate mathematics
date: Wed Apr  3 05:50:11 2002

CHOCOLATE MATHEMATICS 

 

This is cool chocolate math!!!!!!! 

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! 

 

It takes less than a minute....... 

 

Work this out as you read. 

 

Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not
one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

 

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have
chocolate. (try for more than once but less than 10). 

 

2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold). 

 

3. Add 5. (for Sunday). 

 

4. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the calculator................ 

 

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1752.... If you
haven't, add 1751 .......... 

 

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. 

 

You should have a three digit number ...... 

 

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you
want to have chocolate each week).

 

The next two numbers are ........... 

 

LOOK BELOW..... 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it IS!!!!!) 

 

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2002) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT
LASTS. 

 


-----------------

poster: Ant
subject: Twinkie
date: Wed Apr  3 08:14:15 2002

A young girl is sitting in a barber shop with her mother,
eating a twinkie, and anxiously awaiting her first hair
cut. When her turn comes, she brings her twinkie with
her to the chair, and the barber covers her. Soon, she
pulls the twinkie out for a bite.

"You're getting hair on your twinkie," the barber
playfully warns. 

"Yes, I know," replies the girl. "And I'm getting boobs,
too." 

- Ant's getting boobs too... 


-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Enron
date: Thu Apr 11 02:00:14 2002

I found this pretty amusing...at least SOMEONE's cashing in on this
whole Enron deal.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=1092037947

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Hangover Scale
date: Thu Apr 11 22:09:15 2002

1 star hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco
nap which has given you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you
are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You
can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomb and
a side of gravy fries.

2 star hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have
the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only
exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and
fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. There is some definite havoc being
wreaked upon your bowels.

3 star hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the
random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd
you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with
a dozen donuts and a meatball hero watching the E! fashion
awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a
liter of diet coke-yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you
might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given
you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't
hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it
looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.)
Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a
reject from the class picture of Grover Cleveland HS, class of '84.

5 star hangover,(*****) aka "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell."
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Tequila vapor is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of
your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the
shit fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your
tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely
don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why
there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your otherwise empty
house.

6 star hangover (******)
You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look atthe
ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the
bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your
roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow managed to get up before you. You
try to lift your head. Not an option. Then you inadvertently turn Your
head too quickly and smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair.
Suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights...some jackass
handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full
time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready
to Rock" faintly atop your forehead......the stamp on the back of
your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis.
You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32seconds and the only
thing you can think of wearing is your torn boxers.

And yet drinking SEEMS like a good idea...

**]

-----------------

poster: Nightfall
subject: link
date: Sun Apr 14 06:31:21 2002

http://febrile.org/images/Tiger.jpg
http://www.tekzoned.com/spank/

  -NF


-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Only in Canada
date: Tue Apr 16 05:19:45 2002

http://cgi.canoe.ca/CNEWSLaw0204/14_pimps-cp.html

-----------------

poster: Javier
subject: Sucks to get a speeding ticket in Finland
date: Tue Apr 16 05:42:12 2002

http://cgi.canoe.ca/CNEWSWeirdNews0204/14_speeding-ap.html