| Colonoscopy | Fri Sep 18 16:04:33 2009 MST |
| ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the
Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of
the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all
over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,
because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK
A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes
in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss
MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say
that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's
enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any
solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is
basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of
powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then
you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the
metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you
have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a
mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of
lemon..
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
great sense of humor, state that after you drink it,
'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you
may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic,
here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?
This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the
shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a
seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the
bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate
everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty,
you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at
which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the
future and start eliminating food that you have not
even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very
nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but
I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep
spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How
do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers
would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the
forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy
people, where I went inside a little curtained space
and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments
designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you
put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are
actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left
hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie
was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me
that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
pondered what would happen if you got yourself too
tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in
full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but
to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure
room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew
Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was
seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist
began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song
was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy
that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular
procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least
appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been
dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish,
prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit
detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the
tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room,
waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me
that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying
colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were
quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the
following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately
male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not
up there?'
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